Dear Diary~ [Page 57 - Changmin]
Title: Dear Diary~
Author: k_chan91
Disclaimer: ....Yep....it's disclaimed...xD
Parts: [57/never ending~]
Pairings: So far Yoosu...Yunjae...Jaemin...Jaesu...Jaechun...Jaechul...xDDD
Genre: crack....with a tiny smidgeon of angst in the middle. o.o *runs*
Rating: PG/PG-13
Summary: A collection of journal entries from the boys of DBSK. Let's get inside their heads. ^.~
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Changmin's Diary~
Dear...Diary...
I SAW A ZOMBIE HO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was...it was...so real and Yunho-like and dead...
I'll never be the same again.
It all started with KY jelly...
I was in the kitchen eating a sandwich Jaejoong had just made for me before going out somewhere with Junsu (mostly to keep him away from Yoochun, I think).
And it was the probably the best sandwich in the world. I didn't even have to hit Jaejoong or get hit back with a spatula to get him to make me that sandwich. He was just feeling all generous and stuff. He's like that when he's not complaining about being sore.
I just...I don't know how or when or WHY it happened, but in the middle of my sandwich, Yoochun walked in and told me that Yunho died.
DIED.
D-E-A-D.
x.x
D.E.C.E.A.S.E.D.
DE-CEASED TO EXIST.
NOT ALIVE.
NOT BEING MY FAVORITE ALIVE HYUNG.
FOREVER ASLEEP BUT NOT IN A YOOCHUN WAY THAT SEEMS LIKE HE'LL NEVER WAKE UP BUT EVENTUALLY HE DOES AND THEN HE THROWS CHERRIOS IN MY FACE.
NO.
ASLEEP LIKE SLEEPING BEAUTY. BUT MORE DEAD.
PLUS, NEITHER ME NOR JAEJOONG WILL BE KISSING HIM BACK TO LIFE BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I LOVE AND RESPECT MY HYUNG, MAKING OUT WITH DEAD GUYS IS KINDA CREEPY AND YUNHO DIDN'T EVEN PRICK HIS FINGER LIKE THE CHICK IN SLEEPING BEAUTY DID.
SO, HE'D JUST STAY DEAD.
I hate writing in all caps.
So, of course I cried. I can feel the tears even now.
I...I think I can continue writing, Diary... Let's both try to be strong.
So...I dropped the sandwich and let the tears flow. Almost ten minutes went by with just me sitting there with my head in my hands and Yoochun patting my back and saying soothing things like, "It's gonna be okay." and "At least we're probably in his will."
You know, Yoochun is actually a good hyung sometimes. If only Yunho didn't have to...die with his last impression of Yoochun being an idiot.
Jaejoong and Junsu weren't in the apartment at the time but I can only imagine their initial reactions when they found out later.
I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to hear Junsu's reaction because he would've started screaming at a high frequency above the pitch threshold of normal humans. Bats and dogs would've attacked and mauled him or something.
Oh, Jaejoong.
I don't even want to imagine his reaction to hyung's death. Much...much too painful.
And so I was just about to go call my mom and cry to her about the loss of one of my best friends when Yoochun suddenly pointed and yelled, "Yo! What's that?!" and ruined all previous thoughts I might have had about him being a decent human being.
He threw pepper in my eyes.
Oh yeah.
And don't forget the KY jelly.
Really, Diary??? Really??
That crap hurt! And there I was trying to mourn over Yunho's spirit. How can a guy mourn with pepper and lubricant in his eyes? It's a BIT distracting.
Then Yoochun apologized and claimed he was going to take me to the hospital, but that was lie because even with painful substances in my eyes I knew he just dragged me from the kitchen and down the hallway.
I knew right away that he took me to Yunho and Jaejoong's room because I calculated the approximate distance Yoochun dragged me down the hallway and the number of creaks I heard in the floor boards using the quadratic equation and the Pythagorean theorem.
That room made me cry even harder. For Jaejoong. I just thought, after taking all the effort to move out of Yoochun's freezing room and re-establish himself in Yunho's room who we soon found out was his lover, he's going to have to sleep all alone now.
But I didn't have much time to further throw myself into mind-numbing depression like I'd planned to. For a while, Yoochun just mumbled more to himself than to me things like, "I'll console you, Min. It's okay. Shhhhh. Yeah. Just stuff your head in Jaejoong's sexy shirt."
And at the last part, of course I became quite confused.
But I couldn't see anything and my eyes were BURNING so I couldn't really fight back when Yoochun practically ripped my shirt off my back and shoved my head into what I presumed was Jaejoong's sexy shirt.
I admit, it did smell sexy. It smelled like honey.
Anyway, I was screaming, Yunho was dead, Yoochun had lost his mind, and then he stripped me of my pants and tried to force me into one of Jaejoong's sexy pants.
Wtf, Diary? What kind of psycho PANTS RAPES one of his best friends? Huh? Actually, what kind of psycho irritates, degrades, annoys, picks on, throws debris at, pinches, bites, laughs at, steals from, glares at and terrorizes his friends like this?
YOOCHUN. That's who.
WHY does Yoochun choose to treat ME like this? He annoys everyone else to some extent by WHY me? WHY like this? Anyway...
It was failed PANTS RAPE because my luscious legs are too long for Jaejoong's pants.
...But then it was successful PANTS RAPE because Yoochun just yanked poor blind me to Yunho's closet and stuffed me in some of his "less sexy but do-able" pants. Yoochun's words. Not mine.
So I was left wearing one of Jaejoong's shirts now stained with my tears and dead Yunho's pants. My eyes had kind of stopped burning with pepper and KY jelly by this point, so I was able to look at Yoochun through tear-stained eyes and give him my best depressed "WTFF" look.
What does "WTFF" mean, Diary? Let me educate you. It means "WHAT THE F*CKING F*CK!?" Just "WTF" doesn't apply to Yoochun. It's scientifically impossible to apply "WTF" to Park Yoochun. Only "WTFF." It's complete. Like covalent chemical bonds.
So, he just looked back at me smiling this stupid goofy smile and told me he'd make me feel better by taking me to the mall. Okay, so by this point, I had ZERO trust in Park Yoochun, but I let him guide me back down the hallway anyway.
What?
I was in pain. Both emotionally and physically. I would've followed that guy to the rainbow muffins behind the moon if he'd asked me. Don't judge me.
But then...
Omo...
We passed by the living room to get to the front door.
And...
And...
And...
Yunho
Was
There.
At first I thought that that was where he had died. Sitting on the couch in the living room only one room away from the kitchen where I must have been during his untimely death.
I started crying again, thinking of all the things I could've done to help him if only I had known. He was so close...yet...
Okay, this time, I didn't actually cry. I completely went into hysterics.
I howled and bawled and scratched at Yoochun's neck. Hah...I admit. I lost control of myself.
Yunho was just lying there on the couch, eyes all peacefully closed and stuff. Not a muscle was moving. I just couldn't handle seeing the proof of his departure from this world right before my eyes.
But then...
...
.......
Yunho...opened his eyes.
He looked at me.
Yoochun looked at me.
I stared back at Yunho.
He...he spoke to me.
He said...
"Changmin...aren't those...my pants...?"
I could've died right there in that living room. Right along with Yunho.
YUNHO IS A ZOMBIE.
He sat up and looked at me while I flailed and screamed like a little girl. Yoochun was of absolutely no help, because he just stared at Yunho and shook his head making 'tsk tsk' sounds. I keep telling this to Jaejoong. Yoochun is not a normal person.
Before I could run to the kitchen and try throwing lots of garlic at Zombie Yunho (Oh, wait...that's for vampires...Aren't zombies and vampires from the same species or something...?) Yoochun threw more KY jelly in my eyes and dragged poor, shocked, blind, abused me to the car and drove me to the mall.
Yoochun is a horrible driver.
So the first person we saw when we got to the mall was Leeteuk hyung. And Yoochun wasn't even polite enough to greet his hyung. He just wiggled his eyebrows at me with this weird, semi-lewd smile and walked off.
Not normal...
Leeteuk looked just as confused as me. Then I told him that Yunho died. Then he looked just as abused and upset as me. Then I told him that Yunho was a zombie. Then he went back to looking confused.
I'm sure we would've sat there at the big fountain and discussed how Yunho could have possibly died and gotten himself turned into a zombie, but suddenly Kangin popped around the corner, pointed at me and shouted something like, "HOMEWRECKING HUSSIE," and then chased me.
Why was Kangin chasing after me in the middle of the mall, thirsty for my young flesh?
I don't know, Diary...I simply don't know.
So as I was running, I passed by Yoochun who had apparently found a hat that looked like something out of Sherlock Holms. He looked at me and looked at Kangin charging after me and told me to turn left at the pretzel store.
So I did. At the time, I thought I could trust him. And I kinda could. For about a second.
Once I rounded the corner, I found Yesung standing there looking kinda lost. This wasn't unusual. So I ran up to him and just as I was about to decide whether or not I should tell him about Kangin's death sentence written to me or Yunho's passing on into zombie land, Yesung glared at me and walked away.
Somehow, I feel that Yoochun had something to do with that.
Ever since he told Yesung that Jaejoong said that Heechul said that Onew said that Yunho said that Eunhyuk said that Donghae said that Kibum said that I think that his head is too big, he's been giving me dirty looks. Why would Yoochun do that?? Everyone knows that Yesung's head is huge. WHY would Yoochun blame it all on me, though??
Actually, that whole day was all Yoochun's fault. I bet I can mathematically prove that all evil is less than or equal to Yoochun. I'll work out the math later.
Then Kangin appeared around the corner screaming something along the lines of, "DON'T TOUCH MY TEUKIE!!" and I had to start running again. (Wtf is a Teukie?)
I almost died while I accidentally ran down the up escalator. Good thing I have long legs or else I never would've been able to leap over that little girl with the mint chocolate chip ice cream cone in her hand. I knew it was mint chocolate chip and it was the really, really good kind, too. I just know these things.
But my legs weren't long enough to clear Kyuhyun who magically appeared at the bottom of the escalator. Kangin was still stumbling behind me because he was stupid enough to follow me down the up escalator when he could've just taken the down escalator, but as the prey, I wasn't going to be picky.
So me and Kyuhyun landed in a heap on the floor. He didn't seem very surprised to see me. In fact, he said earlier Yoochun had arranged to meet him at the mall and was wondering where he was.
Anyway, I didn't have much time to think, "Hey. Why am I seeing everyone I know at the mall today?" or "Why does Kangin think I'm taking his 'Teukie?'" since I was all preoccupied with Yunho's memories and Kangin all pissed and violent behind me.
I was such an emotional wreck and I didn't know what else to do and I was this close to just pouring everything that had happened that day to Kyuhyun even with Kangin close behind still killing himself on the wrong escalator when a pair of shoes fell from the sky.
Stupid shoes hit me in the head. And then I looked up and Yesung was standing there and he was wearing a hat that he surely wasn't wearing earlier. He glared at me, said something in the general vicinity of, "I spit in your general direction," grabbed Kyuhyun and marched off.
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS HIS HEAD IS BIG! I'M NOT!
And then a security guard appeared and I thought it was going to be for Kangin who was creating quite a ruckus on the wrong escalator but he just threw a confused look up at him and then confronted me instead.
He accused me of stealing a pair of shoes and a hat both worth over 500,000 won and took out a pair of handcuffs. That Yesung...
I'd only seen handcuffs on TV and my computer screen. And there's usually yelling and moaning involved in some way and I wasn't totally cool with being in that whole scenario and the cop seemed kinda pissed so I ran again.
God bless these long luscious legs of mine.
So then I ran into Tablo.
Four familiar people in a row, Diary. All in one place. How did that even happen? I'd lost Yoochun way back at the pretzel store. He was probably entertaining himself by not buying Junsu some pants.
But all was okay because Tablo took me out to drink and I haven't seen that cop since.
Even with my adrenaline up, of course I was still upset about Yunho turning into a zombie. Over several bottles of soju (most of which were consumed by Tablo), I explained to him about dead Yunho.
He started crying with me. Or maybe it was just the soju. In any case, he promptly stood up on to of the bar and performed a rap in honor of our dear Yunho. It went a little something like this:
Yo, yo, my Yunho
You know it's too low
To forego that tuna roll.
Yunho my main ho
You're dead, no,
You're here, so,
I want to give you my memo
Cuz I know it's true, oh,
Changmin, yo
Yo' bro, yo
Is missing you like a gigolo.
Hidalgo is hot, Ho
But I know that you know
We miss you, so don't go
Like a tinglin' twinge in my elbow.
We grow, we blow, we mow, hello
And we put on like an ice show
Yo, Ho, Ho
Say hey, ho.
This is Tablo
A long distance mo-fo.
And the Min, his depressin' dongsaengin'
Singin' a demo at a down up tempo beat
up outta my my seat
at the bar across the creek
Yo, Ho. Yo...Yo...
It's the Zombie Ho Beat.
Yeah...
Wasn't exactly what I expected but it summed up my emotions towards Yunho's death...somewhat...
And then Tablo kept trying to make me come up on top of the bar and get me to do the horizon dance, which of course I wasn't drunk enough or in the state of mind to do, so I resisted the best I could, but Tablo's strong when he's wasted.
And then he insisted that I take shots off his stomach and I definitely knew I had to get out of there.
Luckily Kibum was there, too, or else my life would've become a very dark and scary place with my mouth hovering over Tablo's bare stomach.
He helped sneak me out of Tablo's drunken grasp and we just sat at a booth with Siwon and talked.
We mostly talked about Yunho and how to deal with it.
Siwon said we should pray.
Kibum said we should accept the new Zombie Yunho into our society like the good friends we are.
Siwon said we should accept the new Zombie Yunho into our society like the good friends we are and then pray. A lot.
I think I'll definitely do that after I'm finished writing, Diary. I know Zombie Yunho is in the apartment somewhere right now so I should give him a cup of Holy Water to drink or something. I think that'd be nice.
I'm sure he's just as surprised that he's no longer among the living or dead as the rest of us are. It's our job to make him more comfortable. Okay, I gotta go, Diary. Gotta visit Sungmin, Siwon and Shindong's place to get Siwon to pray over a cup of tap water.
~Min, yo
Next diary coming soon~ Page 56 - Yoochun || Page 58 - Yunho
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Let us all pray for Zombie Yunho... Get out your tap water, please....xD
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