Now and Again (36/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 /
21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / 30 / 31 / 32 / 33 / 34 / 35 /
Chapter 36: Pretty much halfway there
“There. I said it.”
Falling for you.
Luke appeared speechless, shell shocked by Reid’s confession. Reid hadn’t meant to throw it out there like that, being well aware of how contradictory his acts had been toward Luke, but he’d seen Luke walking away and out of his life and he knew he couldn’t let that happen. Not when he was starting to allow himself to think about it, to come to a possible conclusion where loving Luke was the better choice. Where being with Luke was the better option to the alternative of losing Luke by hurting him like Noah had done.
Reid’s eyes flickered to Luke’s lips, lingering unabashedly before darting back to the tip of his nose and his long eyelashes, adorning his widened eyes. He felt a familiar feeling coiling in his lower abdomen, the beginning sparks and traces of a hunger for Luke, making him want to scream and howl and fuck and relish in the surge of heat coursing through him. Luke’s mouth opened and closed several times in his shocked state, letting out hitched sighs and wetting his lips each time. There was an innocence in the small, instinctive move, a freedom Reid longed for and a purity he wanted to violate more than he wanted to leave intact by staying away.
He signed his death warrant the moment Luke licked his lips the third time.
Up until that moment, his fears had overruled his feelings, the all consuming and overwhelming feelings creating a new motivation behind his every move. For a while, his fears had suppressed the desire he felt around Luke, paralyzing him and clouding everything. But now… The fear was subduing, the sun was beginning to shine through the clouds in his mind and although the fear was still there, it was now colliding and fighting with the need to prove Luke wrong. -Not him; nothing like him.- It was an uphill battle, a violent skirmish, a civil war and a moshpit in his brain and heart and limbs all at once. All’s fair in love and war.
“What?! Wait, you’re… What?! No- No, you’re not. You can’t be- You’re not.” Luke stumbled through his words, as he tried to make sense of what he’d just heard. Falling for you. Reid had said what Luke had wanted from him days ago and it felt like both music to his ears and a promise of something bound to be ripped away. He searched Reid’s eyes, looking for any traces of doubt or betrayal or deceit, anything to indicate he was only fooling himself. He frowned when he found absolutely nothing to confirm his insecure suspicions, nothing that could lead to an embarrassing case of ‘I told you so’ later on.
“I am.” Reid’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked so confident, so, so sure, as if it was the one piece of truth he could rely on and the one thing that would never change. It felt like a Reid he somehow knew, as though this was the real Reid, his Reid, putting it out there like it was no big deal, when it in fact meant the world.
“You are… You think you’re falling for me?”
“Correction- I may… or may not… be in the process of falling for you.”
“In the process?!”
“Pretty much halfway there.”
“You’re halfway there?!” Luke’s eyebrows almost rose up to his hairline.
“Would you stop repeating everything I say?”
“No, not until you’re making sense.” Luke’s nose scrunched up and he crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant child, leaning back a bit as if daring Reid to do something about it. Reid rolled his eyes, sighing loudly to make his point.
“What more do you want me to say? Do you want a big, dramatic speech on how you had me at ‘hello’? Or, better yet, Mr. Snyder, would you like bright neon lights, serenading men with sombreros and me on my knees with flowers and candy? No, forget it. I’m falling for you. Deal with it.”
Now it was Luke’s turn to roll his eyes. “Golly, doctor, that’s about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” The corners of Reid’s mouth curled up slightly, but he contained the impending smirk before Luke could notice. “But Reid… You pushed me away, because you didn’t want to be with me. And now you’re saying… What are you saying exactly? You do want to be with me?”
“That seems to be the general consensus.” Reid mumbled, followed by a somewhat nervous chuckle. He felt awkward and much more like an idiot he’d ever wanted to be and incredibly out of place, like a shy, dorky teenager checking out the jocks in the locker room. “Shit- I’ve never-” Reid cleared his throat, choking on his words as he babbled. He seemed to choke on a lot of words when thinking of Luke, biting back insults and refraining from verbal smack downs in favor of staring at Luke or resisting him, resisting the- those urges. But when had he become that guy?
“Look- This heart-on-my-sleeve stuff, it’s not me. I can’t do this, the- the soapy, dramatic speech thing.”
Luke shook his head to reassure him. “No, you’re doing alright. Really.” He then stepped closer toward him, slowly nodding and urging him on to continue. “Go on, tell me.” He saw a warmth in Luke’s eyes, reminding him of what he would have associated with pity before seeing it in front of him like this, like something which appeared to be the farthest thing from pity and as though it was actually something he could use in his life. Luke was starting to change his perception on everything in his life and everything he’d made his world out to be and he still wasn’t sure he liked it or how he could not like it.
“I… I’ve never felt powerless and you make me feel just that.”, Reid continued. There was a slight tilt of Luke’s head, as his expression softened considerably. He raised his hand and reached out, as if to fix Reid’s collar, but he decided against it in his hesitation. The thought had occurred to him that Reid might need the touch, but Luke didn’t want to risk crossing the line and alienating him all over again.
“Powerless?”, he asked instead.
“Weak. In the knees, in the brain. Hungry.”, Reid answered, his eyes darting back to Luke’s lips before he could stop himself. His hand sought out Luke’s bottom lip and he briefly touched it, brushing past it for a split second before removing his hand so quickly Luke had to wonder whether he’d imagined it or not. “Like it’s normal to want you around.”
“You want me around?”
“Somewhat. Above average.”
“Above average?”
“You’re still repeating everything I say.”
“Well, you’re still not making sense.” There was a gleam in Luke’s eyes and a hint of a smile on his cheeks and his lips. “What happened? What changed?”
“You happened.” Reid said, before adding in a low voice, “Turns out you’re pretty intimidating after all.”
Luke, whose eyes had stayed on Reid since the moment he’d turned around to hear Reid’s admission, quickly cast his eyes downward at his words, as a blush began to violently spread on his cheeks. He tugged his right ear twice, before rubbing the back of his neck to calm his nerves. The only sounds he could hear for the next few moments, were the sounds of his rapidly thumping heart echoing through the secluded alley and their shallow breathing. Luke inhaled as Reid exhaled and the thought crossed Luke’s mind that he wanted Reid’s oxygen and exhalations until his last, dying breath.
“I was right, wasn’t I? I scare you.”
Reid’s breath hitched, as he looked away from Luke for a second even though Luke wasn’t looking at him. “You scare the shit out of me.”, Reid said, tapping his left hand against his thigh in a steady rhythm to reassure himself it was real, that he wasn’t dreaming and about to die and wake up.
He’d felt like a ghost since January, when he’d still been under the impression that it was the imbalance of sex, surgery and sandwiches brought to him by losing his medical license, that had him on edge and aching with each passing day. But he’d come to the realization since then, that the ache had nothing to do with that, with what he’d thought were the main components of his life, the ingredients to the main course that was his own personal contentment.
He’d known the moment he’d laid eyes on him, the very moment he’d met Luke and felt overcome with the strong, primal and raw need to be around him, as he felt as though he was on the verge of collapsing and about to crumble. And touching Luke, feeling him and kissing him and, ultimately, feeling his warm, strong hand covering his heart had only served to confirm what Reid already knew. Despite not knowing anything about Luke, he knew that Luke was in fact the cure for his ache and disentanglement.
But he also knew that there was more to all of it.
And everything in his mind had always been part of some equation. A led to B and B led to C and attacking the king led to checkmate. Action to consequence, hunger to food and now, from Luke to fears and dreams he couldn’t ignore.
Dreams in which he died. Dreams that told him how much it would hurt to lose Luke. And dreams he woke up from in pain. Was Luke the cure for that too? Medicine to get through the night? A drug which could soothe the pain or the antidote to madness and sickness and the darkness brought upon him by images that couldn’t be real?
But more. Luke was more.
Luke’s eyes were still cast downward, as if his shoes were the most fascinating ones walking the face of the Earth and his cheeks were still flushed as though he’d ran a marathon. His hands were now in his pockets, trembling just a little against his upper legs and mirroring Reid’s own shaking hands.
“I know… And like I said, before we… Before. You scare me too.”
Reid stepped closer to him, so much closer, until Luke saw Reid’s shoes only inches away from his own, felt Reid’s warmth and palpable heat colliding with his own and found himself leaning in to Reid’s fingers caressing his jaw line. Luke felt familiar shivers running down his spine, as if Reid’s touch ignited something he’d missed for centuries and as if it was the fix of the drug he’d gone cold turkey from.
He exhaled shakily, closed his eyes and planted a kiss on the palm of Reid’s hand, before looking back up at him. Their eyes met again, focusing on nothing else but the pupils staring back at them and allowing the building tension to gain momentum it didn’t previously have. “But I think it will only get worse, not better, if you keep shutting me out.”
If I let you in, I’ll lose you.
“You’re losing me like this, too.” Luke said softly, responding to what Reid hadn’t even realized he’d uttered out loud. “Look, Reid, I- I just… Where do we go from here? What happens next time I try to touch you?”
“I have no idea where we go from here. I have no idea where I stand in my professional life or my personal life, but I know I want you in it.”
“Wait- your professional life? What are you talking about?”
“It’s nothing, it’s not important right now. You are. You’re important. And, as for next time you try to touch me…” Reid paused and quickly swiped his tongue past his bottom lip, a beginning anticipation forming in his gut and the base of his spine. Luke’s eyes followed Reid’s tongue as if they were glued to it, wanting nothing more than to taste it and be reminded of the sweet taste of coffee and chocolate and Reid he’d tasted the last time.
He covered Reid’s hand on his jaw line with his own and used his other hand to reach out and find Reid’s wrist, still resting against his thigh. Luke curled his fingers around Reid’s wrist and pulled, tugged at his hand until it was on his own waist, Reid’s fingers crawling toward the small of his back, and his face was only inches away. “Try me.” Reid said, breathlessly, as he tried to keep the heat out of his voice.
Luke hesitated, still unsure, waiting and holding Reid’s stare as a million different thoughts raced through his mind. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, if he was pushing and prodding and poking when he shouldn’t.
Reid saw the uncertainty in Luke’s eyes, the tempting puddles of chocolate brown and he decided to reassure him. As Reid leaned in, it was slow, like a slow burn, or a never-ending hourglass releasing one grain of sand at a time. He brushed his nose past Luke’s, before using the hand now on the small of Luke’s back to pull him even closer and meeting his lips. He pressed, tentatively pushing through the barriers of fear and letting the taste of Luke’s bottom lip introduce him to the sense of freedom he’d longed for.
Luke closed his eyes and whimpered as he felt Reid’s lips against his own, but he quickly recovered, as his knees buckled and he felt as if his feet were about to give up on him. He brought one hand up to the back of Reid’s neck, holding on to him, and his left hand roamed with reckless abandon over Reid’s shoulders and biceps, down to his hipbone and spine. He felt shivers and heightened nerves as Reid pushed and they stumbled and he felt his back hitting the cold, brick wall, a shot of something bordering on both pain and desire coursing through him.
His hand snaked underneath Reid’s shirt, needing more warmth and more skin and more of Reid and- everything. Needing everything, as he guided Reid through the madness as though he was on the verge of combustion himself, completely and utterly starved and in need of fulfillment.
His fingertips grazed past the downward trail of hair on Reid’s lower abdomen and his hand settled right above Reid’s navel, his fingertips close to Reid’s heart, just as the need for air hit Reid. Reid broke the kiss with a choked gasp, burying his face in the crook of Luke’s neck and inhaling as if it was the first breath of his life. He panted, breathing harshly as if the kiss had been too much to take, but to his own surprise the fear didn’t instantly paralyze him like the last time. It was still there, just below the surface, but he wanted Luke more.
“See? I’m still here.” After a while, Luke heard the words coming from Reid’s muffled voice on his collarbone. He smiled, running his hands through Reid’s curls and tightening his grip on Reid’s shirt just to be sure. “I meant what I said, I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you want time.” It was more a question that a statement. Luke was used to time, so used to a man he loved needing distance and time to think without being around him.
This man, however, proved him wrong.
“No, just you.” Reid pulled away from him, removing his head from Luke’s neck in order to rest his forehead against Luke’s instead in a moment of silence. Reid leaned in and planted a soft, sweet kiss on his lips, lingering a bit before pulling back once again. “I’ve never let fear run my life, take control of me and I’m not about to let it now.”
“Good. Because I don’t like being mad at you.”
“Are you? Still mad at me.”
Luke shook his head and cast his eyes downward and he felt Reid’s thumb against his cheekbone. “I don’t want to be. I really don’t, but…”
“I hurt you.” Reid sighed.
“Yeah… But I can’t help but want you in my life.”
“I’ll tell you what...” Reid reached into his pockets, fumbling around until he found what he was looking for. Smirking, he grabbed Luke’s hand, putting a small piece of paper in it, before letting go. “Here. Consider it. Then use it. But don’t… Don’t take forever.”
Luke’s face scrunched up in confusion, as he looked at the card, skimming the numbers and letters before letting his face break out in a grin. “I make out with you, let you feel me up and all I get is your business card?”
“Oh, don’t get cute… Look at the back. It has my pager number on it and no one has this number but the hospital.”
“So, it’s like the ‘Bat signal’?”
Reid rolled his eyes and Luke snorted. “Consider it. ”
“I’ll be sure to do that.” Luke smiled a smile Reid wanted to dislike but couldn’t and Reid couldn’t help but smile back at him. “At work. Which I’m running late for.”
“By all means, Mr. Snyder, get to it then. Don’t let me hold you from whatever important thing you need to do.”
“Reid, I…” Luke sighed, unsure of what he wanted to tell Reid, but Reid understood him anyway, nodding slightly, as Luke pulled away from him. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“You better.”
Luke stepped away from Reid, opening a wound and igniting a familiar ache in Reid as he did. Luke took a few steps, almost stepping out of the shadow and into the light of day, before stopping dead in his tracks. Reid was just about to approach him, when Luke turned around with a determined look on his face, approached Reid in a split second and grabbed his face, crashing Reid’s lips into his own and breaking it off just as quickly as it had started.
“What the-”
“That was me, in the process of considering it. Bye, Reid.”
He lightly slapped Reid’s cheek before he left.
NEXT