Now and Again (14/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. I have been working on this since... September(?) and I've finally written enough chapters to start posting. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 /
Chapter 14: Have I rendered the great Dr. Oliver speechless?
The flight to Oakdale had been silent and awkward, with Noah basically ignoring him, keeping an angry frown on his face. And, while he knew he had done the right thing, that their conversation had been necessary and that he really had nothing to apologize for, he still felt a tinge of guilt and sadness at the turn their relationship had taken.
And Channing wasn’t of much help, either.
He ignored the both of them pointedly, doing crossword puzzles and pretending like he didn’t notice the change in the air, the new layer of tension that hung over each spoken word and every minute spent in silence. And with being left with nothing but his thoughts, Luke couldn’t help but think about Reid, who now had somehow found his way into the real world, his world.
Because, in his dreams, he just knew.
Everything made sense in his dreams and apart from the crude, painful awakenings, Luke still enjoyed the dreams and the comfort in them, which he couldn’t seem to find in his everyday life. And now, what had first been a relatively clear line, a border, between his state of mind when he was awake and that of when he slept, was starting to fade into a melting pot of colliding worlds.
He just couldn’t keep his mind off Reid and what it could mean that he had actually seen him. And especially since he’d gone to find Reid, getting as close as his apartment door, only to find out he had just missed him by a hair. He had been this close, so close to confirming everything he wanted to know.
And the near misses, maybe even more than just the two times he was aware of, had made him think. And, added to that, the fact that Reid had left Dallas indefinitely, without any indication as to where he’d gone… Both had triggered this great amount of self doubt.
A part of him wanted to keep looking, move heaven and earth, so to speak. He wanted to know so much if Reid felt that same ache he couldn’t get rid of. But another part of him, the bigger part in fact, wanted to let go. Because there was a huge difference between dreaming of Reid and actually finding Reid. And Luke didn’t know if he wanted that. If he wanted to put himself out there like that, lose himself even more in something he wasn’t familiar with.
And what if he wasn’t supposed to find him? What if there was a reason why he couldn’t seem to catch up with him, couldn’t get to him? And what if finding Reid would be the biggest mistake of his life? For all he knew, Reid wasn’t the safe haven Luke had made him out to be and finding Reid would only lead to more heartache, confusion, exhaustion and more feelings he couldn’t explain.
He didn’t even know him, after all.
********
“Luke! You’re back!”
Luke opened the door to his mother’s house and was immediately greeted by his bouncy five-year-old brother and his younger sister, rolling her eyes at their youngest sibling. He pulled Ethan into a hug and planted a kiss on Faith’s cheek, which almost elicited a smile from her. Almost.
“Did you bring me anything?” Ethan looked up at him, stared at him with his own puppy dog eyes and a grin on his face and Luke ruffled his hair, before letting himself get dragged to the couch by Ethan.
“Ethan! You can’t just ambush Luke like that…” Faith glared at him and narrowed her eyes, when he stuck out his tongue. She turned to face Luke again and forced a smile on her face that was just a little too perky to be real. “But did you?”
“Of course I did.” He rummaged through his bag, until his fingers came in contact with the velvet and glass. He gently got the items out of his bag and gave them to his siblings. He’d gotten Ethan a light brown cowboy hat, which was still a little too big for him and mostly covered his eyes, making him giggle. Faith immediately put on her new designer sunglasses, twirling around and running her fingers through her hair.
“Thanks, Luke. I love them, they’re just to die for! All the girls at school are gonna be so jealous!” She let out a high pitched squeal that made his ears twitch and made Ethan cover his own on top of his cowboy hat. “What did you get Natalie?”
“I got her that book she’s been asking for. I sent it to her summer camp, so she’ll get it one of these days. But, guys, what did I miss, while I was gone?”
“Molly and dad set a date for the wedding! It’s three weeks from now and I have to wear a monkey, Luke!” Ethan furrowed his brow in confusion and Luke grinned and gently pushed down his hat, covering his eyes again. He looked over to where Faith was standing, who just shook her head and took a seat next to her older brother.
“A monkey suit… A tuxedo, Ethan.” Ethan’s lips formed a small ‘o’ and he nodded, scrunching up his nose. Then, deciding that he was done talking, he narrowed his eyes at Luke, suddenly turning dead serious.
“I’ve got things to do, Luke, horses to save and town’s people to defend!”
“Well, giddy up and get to it then, cowboy!” Luke saluted his youngest sibling, who steadied his cowboy hat and grinned at him, before running upstairs. He turned his attention toward Faith again, her long hair falling in front of her eyes and her voice softer than she’d probably intended.
“But, yeah, Molly and dad are actually going through with it.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“Yeah, I guess. Molly’s great, she is, but…” Faith’s voice trailed off and Luke put his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. As much as his sister had grown up in the past few months, there were still moments like this, where he saw that little girl in her, crying at the top of the stairs, after yet another bump in the road of Lily and Holden’s love story.
“But she’s not mom. I get it, Faith.”
“I know. But it’s- it’s always just so fucked- messed up. It- Love shouldn’t be this complicated, right? It should be amazing and make you feel safe and wanted and make you feel the ache in your heart, when you’re not with that person… But in a healthy way, not like our parents…” The little crying girl at the top of the stairs was in every word she spoke and Luke couldn’t help but feel like he also hadn’t done enough to shield Faith from their parents, like he felt whenever he saw the sadness in Natalie’s eyes.
“I mean, when you know what you want, who you want, you should go after it, find them and just- find them and make them understand that you love them. Love, not- not dance around each other and yell and fight and latch on and hurt each other all the time…” She buried her head in her hands, her elbows propped up on her knees and a frustrated groan escaping from her. “But, God, listen to me, I’m being way too dramatic. Reminds me too much of mom.”
“Where is mom, anyway?”
“Upstairs in her room, talking to grandmother, who just found out about the wedding. Grandmother’s not happy.” Faith released herself from Luke’s grip and rolled her eyes, obviously tired of her mother and grandmother’s meddling ways.
“But, Luke, how was your trip, by the way? And how’s Noah?”
“It was great…” No, it wasn’t. “And Noah’s fine…”No, he isn’t.
Faith laughed and then stopped herself, when she saw Luke’s confused expression. She gave him a sincere smile, one he hadn’t seen in seemingly ages and one that made him see that she didn’t believe a word of what he had just said.
“Yeah, yeah, sounds real convincing, Luke.”
********
Katie had given him directions to the hospital, Reid not at all surprised that the majority of Oakdale was at walking distance and finding the hospital had proven to be a piece of cake. He looked around, bewildered and somewhat confused, wondering how on earth this hospital was still up and running. Oakdale Memorial Hospital was quite possibly the polar opposite of Parkland Memorial, smaller, less chaotic, more colorful and exactly the kind of hospital Reid had ridiculed in the past.
Why did I get on that plane again?
He followed the signs and found himself on the 3rd floor of the hospital, in the waiting area of the neurological department, his blue eyes darting across the hall, taking in the space.
He was about to turn around and see if he could find a competent nurse -which he doubted he would-, when he saw the old man to his right, saying goodbye to a woman, probably his wife, who passed Reid on her way.
“Hey, you look important…” Reid clasped his hands together, his voice trailing off, as the man shook his head and chuckled. The older man turned his head to face him and raised his left eyebrow in amusement, his eyes glistening with delight. “I’m looking for Dr. Bob Hughes.”
“You’re looking at him… Dr. Oliver?” Bob flashed him a smile and Reid politely nodded and shook his hand.
“How was your flight?”
“Decent… So, this is that hospital I’ve heard so much about?”
“It’s not up to your standards, doctor?”
“Holding any standards to this facility would be a grave mistake.” Reid muttered, knowing full well dr. Hughes could hear every word coming out of his mouth. Dr. Hughes crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at him in a way that made Reid feel strangely exposed, as though the man could read the fine print in his words, could scarily see right through his shield of arrogance.
“Oh, really? Then why in heavens did you agree to it? You don’t strike me as the kind of doctor that would just pack up his things at the mention of first dibs, parking space and a hospital chef.”
Home. It felt like home.
“That’s beside the point. But… It’ll do, for the time being. Look, if I’m going to be running this-”
“Which, mind you, isn’t a sure thing yet.”
“If I’m going to be running this wing, we’re going to have to make some changes.”
“My, my, Dr. Oliver, I’m already working on that title “with the word genius in it” for you.” Bob added the quotation marks, not missing the eye rolling of the surgeon in front of him. “We also agreed on that raise and I talked to the hospital board about perhaps remodeling the neurological wing, which I actually think, with or without your involvement, is a brilliant idea. If you take the job, you’ll get to make all the important decisions… You’re getting everything you demanded. What more could you possibly want?”
Bob stared at him with a surprised look on his face, the amusement in his eyes still unwavering and Reid opened his mouth, but no words actually came out. Dr. Hughes made him feel unsettled, the way he didn’t back down in the slightest, showed no hesitation and didn’t even seem slightly fazed by Reid’s demeanor.
“You actually… Wow, I wasn’t expecting- I mean, you’re willing to go to such great lengths and no one has… Thank you, I don’t-”
“Have I rendered the great Dr. Oliver speechless?”
“As if…” Reid made a face in disgust. “No, it’s just- I needed a change, in my life. And I don’t know why and I don’t know if I even want to stay here, if it doesn’t turn out to- to be what I need. But I do realize, Dr. Hughes, that I’m probably not…” Reid cleared his throat, sighed and looked down at his twitching hand, slightly bouncing on his thigh. “The easiest guy to deal with.”
“You know what? Why don’t we put drawing up the official paperwork on hold for a few weeks? And in the mean time, I’ll grant you temporary privileges and you can decide whether or not you want the job.”
“Aren’t there a dozen other surgeons waiting in line for this position?”
“Hardly. I’ve heard wonderful things about you and the job is yours, if you want it. However, I do encourage you to make up your mind quickly. I might feel inclined to call Dr. Channing one of these days.”
“Understood. Thank you.”
“Then, I’ll see you in two days, first thing in the morning.” Bob’s expression turned serious for a moment, the amusement gone as if it hadn’t been there in the first place. His hand found Reid’s shoulder and he squeezed it lightly, before walking away, his voice and final words lingering.
“I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for, Dr. Oliver.”
********
At night, he lay in his bed, twisting and turning and feeling restless because of his doubts. Faith’s words -safe and wanted and the ache in your heart- echoed in his mind, latching on to his nerve endings, as he thought about letting go.
“Just let go and move on”, he whispered in the darkness, “Walk away and forget” , Luke went on, the sudden thickness in his voice not lost upon him, “And hope the dreams will stop”, he added, closing his eyes in an attempt to fall into a deep slumber. But he couldn’t sleep.
He knew she’d been right. And he knew what he felt, the ache he’d feel when he’d wake up and the safety and want he felt in his dreams. And although he didn’t know if it was love, he knew he felt something, that there was a reason why Reid affected him in the way he did.
The next morning, as the exhaustion still oozed out of his every molecule, he started searching.
NEXT
********
A/N: 1) RE: Medical stuff/Temporary privileges - I have no idea how all of that works, but let's pretend I do. I mean, it's not like I could do a worse job than the Atwt writers XD. 2) The next two chapters will be a lot shorter, but the chapters after that, ahem, more than make up for that.
Thanks for reading!