Now and again (3/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. I have been working on this since... September(?) and I've finally written enough chapters to start posting. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta, slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 /
Chapter 3: You mean a lot to me
Luke aimlessly wandered through the halls of Memorial Hospital, trying to remember where he had agreed to meet up with Noah. They’d gotten off the phone about thirty minutes ago and after the phone call, Luke had immediately jumped out of his bed and made his way to his car, nearly stumbling over his own two feet as he fumbled with his clothes and shoes and belt and hair and attempted to do a thousand different things at once.
Noah’s news about needing a new doctor had left him feeling distraught and a little gutted, knowing this was yet another setback, just another thing that prolonged the aftermath of the very event -They’re not always somebody’s fault, Luke-, he desperately wished had never occurred and perhaps felt an lingering urge to atone for.
And now, wandering around, he didn’t want to call Noah yet again, to hear the sighs, the groans, the angry tone on the other end of the phone, at yet another thing Luke hadn’t done the exact way Noah had wanted him too. Luke knew Noah was just having a hard time dealing with being blind and all the setbacks since his accident and therefore overly took it out on him, the person closest to him and the one he loved the most.
But Luke couldn’t help but feel like every time Noah pushed him away or got angry at him, he took away a part of Luke Snyder, that he didn’t know how to get back. And the more Noah took from him, took from the little bit he had left, the more Luke felt himself being pulled in another direction, towards the comfort, the warmth, the safety of a guy he had never even met.
A guy who wasn’t even real.
Somehow, lost in his trail of thought, Luke ended up standing in the doorway of an empty room, unable to step away, unable to take his eyes off the gurney in the center of it. He took one, two, three big steps forward, towards the gurney and the next thing he knew, his fingertips softly brushed past the sheet, all the air left the room and he felt a lump in his throat he hadn’t even noticed before.
Both of his hands gripped the edges of the white sheet, his knuckles whitening at the strength collected in his clenched fists. He exhaled over and over and over again through his gritted teeth, the dizzying feeling of blood coursing from his head to the veins gracing the back of his hand eliciting a stealth in his knees that made it hard for him to stand.
We haven’t had enough days. We haven-
“Sir, you’re not supposed to be here…”
The high pitched voice of a woman snapped him out of it. Luke turned around and saw the nurse, Gretchen, looking at him from head to toe, arms crossed over her chest, as if she was trying to convey some sort of authority over him, despite her watery eyes and timid demeanor. “You- You’re not allowed to be in here.” Luke let out a shaky breath he didn’t even know he was holding, as he tried to compose himself, tried to make sure she didn’t notice the extent of the effect the room had had on him, despite himself.
“Right, sorry. I’ll just leave, then.”
********
Seven minutes later, Luke finally found him, ruffled dark hair, bright blue eyes, sitting in one of the light brown chairs near the room Luke finally remembered he was supposed to be in. He was clutching his white cane so hard his knuckles whitened and the frown on his face was an all too familiar one to Luke.
“Luke? Is that you?”
“Yeah… Hi, Noah. How are you? What happened with Dr. Shepherd, why do you need a new doctor? Are you okay? Oh, God, some- something went wrong, didn’t it? I’m sorry, I never should have let you come alone today, I- I knew this was more than just a check up and I-”
“No, no, Luke, I’m fine.”
Luke exhaled, letting out a sigh of relief, which didn’t seem to go unnoticed by the man in front of him. He still felt a tremendous amount of guilt over what had happened to Noah and he knew he’d never be able to forgive himself, let it go, if anything else happened to Noah, if he wouldn’t be able to get sight back. If only he hadn’t distracted him, if only he hadn’t-
“It’s just… Dr. Shepherd decided not to go through with my surgery after all.”
“But he’s been treating you for months, trying to get you ready and strong for that surgery. I flew him in from Seattle! You- We were really counting on it…” Luke’s voice trailed off and he looked down at his fidgeting hands, as his voice grew soft. “How can he just give up on you?”
“He said something about tissue damage and mumbled something else about my optic nerve and how he wasn’t in any way optimistic about my case and that a surgical procedure would probably only make things worse. But, how much worse can it get? I’m already blind.”
“Oh, Noah, I’m so sorry. I wanted this to work out for you, more than anything… ” He took the seat next to Noah and covered Noah’s left hand with his own, giving it a light squeeze and brushing his thumb against Noah’s wrist. To his surprise, for the first time in what seemed like ages, an eternity, Noah didn’t flinch, nor did he pull back, as he had done so many times in the last few months. “So, he just… He left you here, all alone?”
“No, not really. He wanted to stay-”
“Why didn’t he?”
“I asked him to leave, since he wasn’t going to be of much help anyway. I told him you were on your way and he was free to go. But before he left, he gave me a few names of other surgeons, who he figured might be a bit more optimistic.”
“Okay, well, then I’ll help you find a new doctor... Whatever you need, I’m here for you. We’ll just get someone else, someone better.”
“Thanks, Luke. That means a lot to me.” Noah took a deep breath and entwined their fingers. “You mean a lot to me.”
“You mean a lot to me as well.”
And he did. Up until a few months prior, Noah had meant the world to him, hell, Noah had been his entire world. Luke had loved him for a long time and he thought that a part of him probably always would. But the constant push and pull, the setbacks, the parade of not being good enough and at other times being too much, had worn him out and as much as he tried to fight it, he knew that feeling of doubts and a different kind of love towards Noah, were starting to burst, seep and hammer through the surface of their once unbreakable bond.
Something had changed, was still changing and he couldn’t stop it, couldn’t stop himself from going along with it.
“You’ve been a great friend throughout all this and I never expected us to get to that point, after we broke up and-”
“Come on, Noah, stranger things have happened.”
“I know, I know, but- Considering everything that happened between us, could still happen…”
“Let’s not talk about ‘us’ right now, okay? Right now… We should just focus on getting you a better doctor, one who will actually help you see again… Now, what are the names Dr. Shepherd gave you?”
“He gave me three names. Dr. McNulty, from L.A…. He has a good reputation and I talked to him on the phone just now, but he told me he’s booked solid for a year. And I don’t want to wait another year, Luke. I can’t stay blind for another year.”
“Alright. And the second one?”
“Well, there were two doctors from Dallas...” Luke let go of Noah’s hand, as Noah pinched the bridge of his nose and squinted as if it would help him remember the names on the tip of his tongue. “Dr. Channing, who has a really great reputation and is apparently recommended by a lot of others. And Dr. Oli- No, wait, the other one had some things to take care of, regarding his medical license, so he wasn’t available.”
“Dr. Channing, then? Do you think he’ll be good enough?”
“He has to be, Luke. It’s worth a try. I just want my sight back. For my films, for myself. And for you.”
“Look, Noah…”
“I know, I know, you don’t want to talk about it right now.” Not now, not ever. Not right. Not right. Not. Right. Wait, what?
“So tell me more about this Channing guy.”
“Dr. Channing has successfully performed several surgeries like mine. Not the exact same as mine, but he has a very high success rate and I have a really good feeling about him. Please, Luke, can you do this one thing for me?” Luke forcefully bit his bottom lip, biting back the gasp and several words that were threatening to escape from him. He sighed and shut his eyes and faked a smile, even though he knew Noah wouldn’t see it.
“Okay, we’ll go with Channing.”
NEXT
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Notes:
1) It's (almost) tomorrow over here, so Happy Birthday to stl29tide!
2) So, yes, we still have a, erm, pesky Nuke situation to deal with, seeing as Luke doesn't have Reid in his life. But Rooftop!Luke is definitely on his way.
3) Thanks for reading, comments/rants/questions/theories/whatnot are love<3333!