Now and Again (34/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 /
21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / 30 / 31 / 32 / 33 /
Chapter 34: If the shoe fits...
Luke kissed the spot just below Reid’s ear and then nuzzled his neck, inhaling his scent as if it was the fix of the drug he couldn’t live without. The clock hanging on the wall ticked on and on, filling and breaking the silence with each passing moment like their heavy breathing and the drumming rhythm of Reid’s heart, as his chest rose and fell underneath Luke’s fingertips. -Reid’s heart. Home.- Luke, mesmerized by the rhythm, rested his forehead against Reid’s with his eyes shut, as he covered Reid’s heart with the palm of his hand, as if he realized he could lose it and as if he didn’t want the world to take it away from him.
As Reid felt Luke’s hand over his heart, he also felt the ache and quiet longing and the same pressure on his chest, the torturous ache and feverish shivers he now felt whenever he woke up. He felt dangerously close to the edge like the ground below could collapse right out from under him. It appeared as though he was about to burst, explode and crumble, shatter into shards of glass and Luke’s touch, the soft, velvety and careful touch on the skin covering his heart like a protective armor, felt like the detonating device to his spontaneous combustion.
But Luke’s touch also rendered him frozen. He couldn’t move or think and his lungs weren’t exactly cooperating and his need for Luke was colliding with his need for peace and serenity and logic and every sound in the room, from the ticking of the clock to Luke’s warm breaths, burst through his ears and the silence as though it matched the need he felt himself. His skin, his muscles, his limbs and nerves all seemed drenched in this collision and it coursed through him, taking ownership of his bones and throbbing flesh and clouding every bit of coherency.
Luke opened his eyes and pulled back slightly, noticing the sudden change in Reid, the way his breathing had become more erratic and shallow and the way he tensed up underneath him, loosening his firm hold on Luke and removing his hand from Luke’s ass.
“Stay, Reid. Stay with me.”, Luke whispered, cradling Reid’s face in his hands and forcing him to look him in the eyes. Their eyes met and Reid saw the same desperation in Luke’s eyes he saw every night in his dreams. Luke slowly leaned in and lightly brushed his lips past Reid’s and feeling Luke’s lips against his own, Reid gave in and responded, faltering in his resistance for a few seconds, before abruptly breaking the kiss with a gasp and pulling away from Luke.
He cast his eyes downward and swallowed, trying to get rid of the constricted, constructed and self-inflicted mass blocking his throat and then, he removed Luke’s hands from his face, as if the touch burned his skin. Luke reluctantly got off his lap and sat down next to Reid and he released a shaky breath, when he realized he could feel Reid slipping away again.
“What are we doing here?” Reid buried his face in his hands and rubbed his temples with the creases of his wrists. “You can’t be here, you’ve got to go.” He glanced at Luke, now silent and frozen himself.
“You’re doing it again.” He answered softly after a while, not taking his eyes off the ongoing rise and fall of Reid’s exposed chest. He missed the drumming rhythm already and his hands were just itching to touch Reid. He put them in his pockets instead.
“I’m not doing anything.” Reid stood up from the couch and stepped back, putting some much needed distance between them to clear his head. Luke made it so difficult for him to breathe, to think, to move or talk. Luke made everything so difficult, so confusing and complicated and Reid had led a life of logic and equations that had made sense. Luke didn’t make sense at all. Luke was a magnet, when he wanted to stand his ground and Luke was oxygen when he was trying to hold his breath.
“Go ahead, Reid, run away.”
“I’m not running away! You shouldn’t have come here! We shouldn’t have done this. We shouldn’t- we can’t- I can’t- and you keep pushing me!”, Reid exclaimed, fidgeting with the first button of his maroon shirt. Noticing that Reid’s hands were shaking too much, Luke stood up as well and moved toward him until he was close enough for his fingertips to find Reid’s heart again if he wanted to.
“It’s okay, Reid, just let me-”
“Stop, Luke!” Luke’s knuckles brushed against Reid’s abdomen, as he grasped the edges of Reid’s shirt and the touch was too much for Reid to take. “Don’t- just don’t touch me! Please.”
“Why not?!” Luke cried out, raising his voice more than he’d intended. He couldn’t believe what was happening, how he couldn’t seem to get through to Reid the way he wanted to and he couldn’t understand what was still holding Reid back. Reid was still only mere inches away and he could feel Reid’s breaths on his swollen lips and one of his hands was still clutching the edge of his maroon shirt without him even being aware of it.
“Because you keep forcing something on me that I don’t need in my life and looking at me like I just ran over your goddamn puppy, that’s why!” He’d been too close to breaking his resilience and giving in and losing himself and those few seconds with Luke had clouded everything. His cock was still throbbing, his heart was still racing and he still felt like a starving man with a five course meal right in front of him.
Those few seconds with Luke, those few seconds of tasting him and feeling him and hearing those sounds of ecstasy escape from his lips as he neared the edge of madness and came undone, those few seconds had ruined him. He’d thought he was fine for the past few days, without Luke’s influence, without hearing his name or seeing him, but being around Luke and kissing him had ruined whatever he’d been trying to achieve since he’d decided to stay away from him.
Luke let out a bitter, nearly delirious laugh and let go of Reid’s shirt. “A puppy doesn’t compare to this,” Reid sighed and tried to step back, but Luke wouldn’t let him, grabbing a hold of his wrist despite his earlier protests, in a similar manner as Reid had done when he’d wanted Luke to understand Noah’s accident wasn’t his fault.
“Damn it, Luke, let go.”
“No. Look, you can blame what just happened on me forcing you if that’s what makes you feel better-”
“This is not about me feeling better-”
“But we both know something’s been brewing between us and, deep down, you wanted it to happen just as much as I did. And I think it’s stupid to try to avoid it- the mere possibility of something more, of love, just because it scares you.”
“This isn’t love, Luke!”
“Then what is it?” ‘Madness’, Reid thought. ‘All consuming madness with a dash of insanity.’ “You just get a kick out of messing with me?!”
“No, I-”
“Because I’ve had enough of that from Noah.” Luke’s voice broke in the midst of his words and he abruptly let go of Reid’s wrist. Luke moved away from him, turning his back to Reid and he ran his hands through his hair, now needing distance himself when he’d wanted quite the opposite a few minutes ago. His bottom lip quivered and he bit it forcefully in an attempt to control himself.
The words hit Reid like a punch in the gut, like a sudden infection invading his body from head to toe. It might as well have been a bullet or acid in his face. Noah. He couldn’t… He wasn’t… The thought of hurting Luke like Noah, causing the look in his eyes he’d seen at the farm or while Luke was waiting for Noah to recover after both of his surgeries… That thought and the words escaping Luke’s pretty, pouty lips hurt him more than losing Luke himself and weighing up that fear against the fear of being hurt himself seemed like the biggest clusterfuck he’d ever come across.
Luke was standing right there like a cure for Reid’s madness, as if latching on to Luke with the risk of experiencing only a fraction of the things- the pain he felt and heard and saw at night was worth it. As if loving him would be worth the risk and would be better than protecting himself.
And Reid realized that he was damned if he let himself love Luke and damned if he didn’t. Strategically and logically and what not, letting himself love Luke now struck Reid as the better option.
“You’re comparing me to Mr. Mayer? That’s rich.”
“Well, if the shoe fits…” Luke choked out, as his vision blurred, before turning to face Reid again. Reid stepped closer until he was only a few inches away from Luke again and he reached out and cupped Luke’s cheek, unable to resist even in the midst of the turmoil. Luke looked away from him, but didn’t stop him, as his bottom lip continued to quiver against the palm of Reid’s hand.
Luke’s skin was soft and warm and flawless against his fingertips and the thought crossed his mind that it had to be cherished, treated like porcelain or kept in a museum for him alone. He’d spent time with Noah, unable to understand how he could ever do anything to tarnish any part of Luke, to cause scars he didn’t need, but in his own need for protection or an escape, he’d caused a scar himself and that was one too many.
“I’m not him.”, Reid murmured, brushing his thumb against Luke’s cheekbone, back and forth. Luke shut his eyes, leaning into the touch, as he took a shuddering breath, inhaling deeply until it hurt his lungs. Luke felt Reid stepping closer to him, close enough for him to feel Reid’s knees against his own, but he stepped back before Reid could pull him closer, gently releasing himself from Reid’s grasp.
“No, don’t. I told myself I wasn’t going to let anyone- not you, not Noah- string me along anymore and- maybe you’re right, maybe I shouldn’t have come here, because I’m letting you do just that.”
“I’m not stringing you along, I’m-”
“You’re what? What, oh, great Dr. Oliver? Please, enlighten me, as I’m clearly an idiot for not seeing your truth.”
“You’re not an idiot, you’re just jumping to conclusions-”
“Screw you, Reid!” Luke spat out, as his eyes blazed with anger and he held up his hand like some sort of warning sign. He sneered and clenched his jaw, before continuing. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. You know, you’re a real piece of work yourself.”
“It takes one to know one. And I don’t have to stand here and listen to this in my own apartment.”
Luke’s brown eyes darted across the room, as if he’d forgotten where they were and it gave Reid some time to take in Luke’s appearance. His lips were still swollen, his cheeks were reddened and his shoulders were hunched as if he carried the weight of the world on them. His dirty blond hair looked tangled and tousled and disheveled and his shirt was still scrunched up from when Reid’s hands had snaked underneath the thin fabric. The beginning of the scar he’d felt on Luke’s side was visible from where he was standing and Reid’s eyes lingered on it.
He could immediately tell what kind of scar it was, what it had to mean and the thought of Luke being that sick made Reid’s heart clench. His dreams were terrifying and the thought of dying like that and leaving Luke when he’d already let him in was paralyzing. But that, his own death, that he could take. His own mortality wasn’t questionable or an impossibility, but a fact he could accept when the time would come. But Luke’s… He didn’t want to have to accept Luke’s mortality and being with Luke made him do just that, face the reality that Luke was someone he could love and need and want, but also lose.
He didn’t notice Luke looking at him again, until Luke’s voice, now soft and shaky, filled the room. “You kiss me back, you comfort me and you’ve just kissed me again and now you’re pretending it doesn’t mean anything.”
“I don ‘t pretend-”
“Then just admit it.”
“Which part?! That I’m just like your precious Noah? Or that kissing you meant more to me than it did?”
“How about the truth?! Do you have feelings for me? Do you want me like-”
Luke stopped mid-sentence, when he saw the door swing open. Reid noticed and followed his gaze and the door revealed Katie, as she stepped into the apartment, carrying three grocery bags. She grinned when she took in the sight in front of her, Reid’s state of undress and Luke’s disheveled appearance.
“Hi there, boys.” She closed the door behind her with her left foot, as she saw Luke and Reid stepping away from each other and Luke straightening his shirt. “I’d say ‘get a room’, but I wouldn’t want to miss this.”
“Now’s really not a good time.” Reid said, not taking his eyes off Luke, who was keeping himself together by focusing on his shirt.
Katie’s eyes darted from Reid to Luke, sweeping over Luke’s form. “Are you alright, Luke?” She asked, concerned as she noticed the shaky breaths escaping from him. Luke nearly flinched at the sound of Katie’s voice and it wasn’t until he looked up and saw both Katie and Reid staring at him, one with concern and the latter with an expression he couldn’t decipher, that he realized he was supposed to say something.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine.” He faked a smile at her and nodded. “Sorry, just- I think I’m gonna go.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?”
Luke shot a glance at Reid. “No, I don’t think your roommate would want me to.”
Katie’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Don’t be ridiculous. Now that Reid’s actually eating like a normal human being instead of his food hogging former self, there’s actually enough for all of us. C’mon, Reid, don’t be rude. Tell Luke you want him to stay.”
Katie looked from Reid to Luke again, her mind going over hundreds of possible scenarios as she tried to figure out what on Earth had happened to cause the tension that made her almost afraid to take a breath. She saw Luke’s eyes finally meeting Reid’s and noticed a relief in Reid’s as Luke did.
“Katie, could you leave us alone for a minute?” Reid asked.
“Sure... I’m just going to call Margo to check on Jacob.” She answered, putting her groceries on the kitchen counter. She grabbed the phone and quietly walked toward her bedroom.
“Luke, I-”, Reid began when he heard Katie’s bedroom door closing. He wasn’t even sure about what he was going to say, but he just knew he shouldn’t let him go. He took a step toward Luke, but Luke stepped back and away from him, making Reid sigh in defeat. “You shouldn’t leave like this. Take Katie up on her offer and I’ll drive you home afterwards.”
“That’s just it, Reid. It’s Katie’s offer, not yours. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t want me here.”
Luke’s words stung more than he could admit to himself.
“I know what I said, but-”
“I don’t want to hear it.” Luke interrupted, as he sadly took one final look at Reid. “The gentle letdown, the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ crap.”
“That’s not what I was going to say-”
“I don’t care anymore...” Luke said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I have to get out of here, I’ve got to go.”
“No, you don’t. Stay, Luke. You could stay, so we can finish this damn conversation.”
Luke shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. His bottom lip quivered and he covered his mouth with the back of his hand, stopping the quivers and breathing harshly through his nose, as he tried to regain the control he’d just had. The room seemed larger than when he’d entered it, as if every inch between him and Reid was a mile and as if it was a distance they couldn’t close.
“Tell Katie I’m sorry I couldn’t stay.” The words didn’t even register until the door closed behind Luke and Reid was forced to release a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He finished buttoning his shirt, pretending his hands didn’t shake and his breaths weren’t blocked by the mass in his throat and he went into the kitchen. Grabbing a beer from the fridge, he then sat down at the dinner table and started reading the paper, as if nothing had happened.
“So, are you gonna tell me what the hell happened just now?”
He heard Katie’s voice behind him, as she walked back into the living room and spotted Reid sitting there. Reid ignored her and flipped the pages until he found the sport section. His eyes scanned the section, but none of it registered.
All he could see was the look on Luke’s face when he’d compared Reid to Noah and had accused Reid of stringing him along and Reid didn’t know what to make of it. He’d hated the way Luke had been under the impression that Noah’s accident was his fault and he’d loathed Noah for making Luke feel that way, but it hadn’t occurred to him that he’d now played a part in hurting Luke as well, just because he couldn’t tell him the truth. That he dreamed of dying, that kissing him had felt like all he’d ever need in life, that he was in fact running away and that he was falling for him, even if he didn’t want to be.
“Reid?! Why does Luke think you don’t want him around?”
He laid his newspaper down and took a sip of his beer. “Because I don’t. How’s the kid?”
“He’s great, Margo’s loving spending time with him. And that’s bull and you know it. Look, Reid, something obviously happened.” She took a seat next to him, foregoing the groceries still on the counter and making Reid groan in annoyance. “I take it your shirt didn’t unbutton itself and while, yes, Luke’s messy hair is just part of who he is, he had ‘I just did something dirty’-hair and I’m thinking you had something to do with that.”
“You really want to know what happened?” She nodded and covered his hand with her own. Her hand was warm and comfortable with the amount of care he’d last felt around his mother, yet it wasn’t what he wanted. He imagined Luke’s hand over his heart, Luke’s long fingers treading through his curls and pressing into his skin and the only thought that crossed his mind was that he’d bought a ticket to Idiotville and he now wanted his money back. “I screwed up, that’s what happened.” Reid said, standing up from his chair and leaving her behind.
NEXT
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A/N: 1) The fixing starts next chapter. All I'm going to say about it, is that we're not dragging it out and next chapter is all LuRe with a little Katie thrown in. 2) I apologize for the delay in updates. Uni just likes to kick me when I'm down. I also wanted to offer you all a happier chapter on my birthday, but unfortunately it didn't work out that way. However, the next update will be this weekend. 3) Thank you for reading, I appreciate it!