Now and Again (30/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 /
21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 /
Chapter 30: 1. Feed the horses, 2. have lunch, 3. see if Noah’s still breathing
It was the seventh time in sixty-five hours.
He now knew exactly how cold the doorknob was. The temperature in the hall. The name of the shade of green on the door -He’d looked it up. He still couldn’t choose between celadon or viridian-. He knew at what times Alison would come by, looking at him with a sympathetic look he didn’t need and bring him a cup of coffee. He knew how often Bob Hughes wandered the halls. In his seven trips to the hospital, the seven times he’d stood outside of Noah’s room without actually going in, he’d learned a lot.
But there were two things he still didn’t know.
The first thing he didn’t know, was where Reid was. And Luke missed Reid. -God, he missed him.- Luke’s hands, his lips, every part of him missed Reid so much he wanted to scream until the ache would dissipate. Since he’d kissed him, had felt the way Reid’s shoulder blades moved underneath his fingertips and the way Reid had pulled him closer and closer, the ache -now absolutely, undoubtedly and positively related to all things Reid Oliver-, the hunger had multiplied with the force of a tidal wave.
He’d been reduced to one dream and one alone, arguing with Reid after Noah’s surgery one minute only to dissolve into a tangled, lust filled mess of wet lips, auburn curls and bare chests the next and instead of waking up to the sound of his own screams, panicked and breathless, he’d started waking up to the sound of his soft, breathy moans, as beads of salty sweat ran down his chest and his hand made its way to his throbbing hard on.
And after all this time -mere moments became seconds became minutes became hours- Luke had thought he’d run into Reid now that he was Noah’s primary physician. But he hadn’t seen Reid at all since Reid had come to the farm to tell him about Noah.
Which brought him to the second thing he didn’t know.
After sixty-five hours, he still didn’t know whether or not he wanted to go into Noah’s room. Abigail had left town two days ago, urging Luke on to visit Noah, but he couldn’t bring himself to go in just yet. He’d said most of what he’d needed to say to Noah the last time he’d seen him, realizing he did in fact deserve better and he hadn’t changed his mind about that.
But there was just one thing left.
He’d been stuck in the same place for months now, the same guilt ridden limbo he couldn’t escape and he knew he couldn’t go on like this. Reid had told him the accident wasn’t his fault, hadn’t let go of him until he’d said it himself and as powerful as the words had sounded escaping from his lips, he wanted to find a way to believe them too.
********
“Dr. Oliver?”
Reid’s head perked up at the sound of Noah’s raspy voice, when he closed the door behind him. Noah squinted as his dark blue eyes darted across the room and as soon as he seemed to recognize the room as the same one he’d spent a great deal of time in before, he quickly made a move to sit up, panicked and confused, but he found himself unable to find the strength to do so.
When he realized this, Noah gestured to the glass of water just out of his reach next to the bed, his throat feeling dry and a little sore and Reid wordlessly handed it to him, expertly observing him and looking for signs that anything might be wrong. He found none at first sight and he felt the relief course through him, both for Noah’s sake and Luke’s.
It was four days after Noah’s surgery and Reid hadn’t seen Luke since that night at the farm. Or, well, he’d seen Luke several times -Reid had noticed him standing outside Noah’s hospital room eight times in seventy hours, thirty minutes and five seconds, not that Reid was keeping track of course-, but Luke certainly didn’t need to know that.
He’d been trying to avoid Luke ever since he’d had that dream, sending nurses to check on Noah, purposefully checking on him himself outside of visitor hours and at the most unconventional times he could think of and every time he spotted Luke outside of Noah’s room, concentrating as he bit his bottom lip and his dirty blond hair nearly covered his eyes, unsure of whether or not he wanted to go in, Reid was brought back to the moment he’d woken up from it and all but jumped behind the nearest corner before Luke could see him.
It was ridiculous and stupid and terribly immature and he felt like a teenager trying to get away from a bully or perhaps an unrequited crush and the worst part about it was that despite knowing all of this, despite knowing he was making a fool of himself and making the ache he felt even more since kissing Luke worse by staying away, it still didn’t stop him from letting the suffocating fear ignited by his vivid dream take over.
“Mr. Mayer.”
The water was gone within a few seconds, as Noah attempted to bridge four days of thirst and drought by supplying liquid to his dry throat. The water, both a blessing and a curse, smoothed over the roughness, from his chapped lips, his tongue and the roof of his mouth, as his mouth felt like sandpaper and his throat like a desert and what should have been soothing, also felt foreign and exotic and familiar all at once.
“Good to see you awake again.”
“What happened? Why am I here? The last thing I remember is being at Java.”
“That was four days ago… You collapsed at the coffee house, the- The Java and I had to perform surgery on you. You’re lucky to be alive, Noah. I’ll be sure to answer any questions you may or may not have later, but right now I think we should just make sure you’re okay.”
He checked Noah’s vitals, making sure to check for anything that could indicate a relapse later on. He rarely doubted his abilities as a surgeon and he knew he’d done an excellent and exquisite job with the surgery, but the last thing he wanted was another setback and to see the look on Luke’s face if that were to happen.
He still couldn’t get that image out of his head, still couldn’t let go of seeing Luke like that and no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop missing Luke’s scent and taste and the feel of Luke’s fingertips on his scalp and digging into the muscles of his back. Even if he was denying himself of that yet again, playing the superhero in his own life and making the sacrifice to save himself from losing his mind.
“Where’s Luke?”, Noah asked after a while, just as Reid was flashing his penlight in his left eye and Reid exhaled when he saw Noah’s iris reacting normally to the sudden illumination. Just one more thing to rule out.
Reid hesitated, not quite sure how to discuss Luke without giving anything away. Noah just stared at him with a frown and blinked repeatedly, before Reid opened his mouth and spoke.
“Mr. Snyder isn’t here, but-”
“Of course he isn’t… He claims to want to be my friend, yet he’s not here when I could actually use one.”
It was the first time Reid felt the urge to punch one of his patients.
Standing next to Noah’s bed, he resisted the urge by counting to ten in his mind and taking a deep breath, not wanting to ruin his hands, the livelihood he’d just gotten it back a little over a month ago and instead, he clutched the pen in his right hand with a grip so tight he almost felt sorry for it. He heard Noah’s deep sighs, reminding him of the first time they’d met, how Reid had felt as though there was something familiar about him he couldn’t put his finger on, something that rubbed him the wrong way.
And reminded of that, he couldn’t help but wonder if that something had been Luke. Luke had been worming his way into every aspect of Reid’s life since they’d met and apparently before that, as Luke had been in Dallas with Noah and the ache he’d felt for what seemed like forever now appeared to have a direct correlation with Luke, a deep connection that was both invigorating and paralyzing and the possibility that Luke had been that ache, that missing link, found confirmation everywhere he looked. Including right here with Noah, as he heard the tone in his voice and decided that he didn’t like the way Luke’s name sounded on Noah’s lips or the association of that tone with Luke.
“You know, Mr. Mayer, Luke is here every day.”
That made an impact, as Noah’s eyes widened and a flash of regret washed over his features. For a second, anyway. “He is? For what? What- Am I on his daily check list now?”, Noah scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “1. Feed the horses, 2. have lunch, 3. see if Noah’s still breathing, so he doesn’t have to feel guilty?”
That was the second time Reid felt the urge to hit one of his patients. “I hardly think he would look at it that way.”, Reid said, taking a seat next to Noah’s bed and writing down some notes on his chart. It didn’t sound like the Luke who had kissed him or the Luke he’d seen at the farm or even the Luke whose tears he’d tasted in his dream.
He suddenly felt fiercely protective of all three of them.
He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, not really. The door had been open when he’d gotten there, only an inch or so. Enough for him to hear the voices inside the room, but not enough for the voices to hear him and stop. He couldn’t see them, didn’t dare to look through the small window next to the door out of fear they’d catch him. But he knew them, the both of them, one through a past life and one through past dreams.
“You don’t know how Luke can be sometimes… He’s not the selfless guy everyone makes him out to be.”
He recognized the first voice, the one he knew the sound of by heart, the one he’d heard each and every tone of, from loving to angry to guilty and pleading. But the first voice wasn’t the one which caught his attention.
“And you do know who he really is? The guy who apparently made you go blind?”
Reid. Reid was there. He hadn’t seen him in four days. Four. Days. Four days, in which he’d stood outside of this same room numerous times until he was ready to go in. And each time, he’d felt Reid’s presence close by and had turned around to see if Reid was there, only to discover empty, hollow space.
“Well… Luke distracted me… If he hadn’t done that-”
“That makes Mr. Snyder as much to blame as the wind or a bird flying by.” The flash of regret that had washed over Noah’s features moments earlier was back, accompanied by guilt and Noah pointedly looked away from him. “But something tells me you already know that.”
Those were the first words he clearly heard. -Does he? Does he know? Does he want me to atone for what wasn’t my fault at all?- A part of him wished he hadn’t heard it, another part was relieved he had.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, you don’t even know him.”
“What I do know, Noah, is that, when I told him what happened to you, he kept beating himself up for supposedly causing your accident.” Reid stood up and walked to the foot of Noah’s bed, placing the chart in the chart holder attached to the top iron bar. He curled his fingers around the bar on both sides of the chart holder and continued to blur the lines between him and his patient. Reid’s teeth grinded, as his jaw clenched and his body tensed up, but Noah didn’t notice, his dark blue eyes still avoiding Reid’s clear blue stare. “Now, I’ve read your file and you were there when it happened. We both know it wasn’t Luke’s fault. When are you going to let him in on that dirty little secret?”
He heard the familiar clicking of heels, the sways in her steps, the way her manicured fingernails tapped a steady rhythm on her small, leathered purse. He quickly moved away from the door, trying to make it seem like she hadn’t just caught him eavesdropping.
“What would that change?”, Noah asked, looking down at his fidgeting hands. His voice was barely audible and he suddenly looked much younger, almost childlike, as if he was the bullied child on the playground everyone ignored.
“Luke still wouldn’t want me back.”
“You could be right about that. But if you really love him so much, then why would you want to him to walk around with that much guilt over something he didn’t do?”
He shrugged like that time she’d caught him with his hands in the cookie jar, gave her a sheepish smile and a hug, but that didn’t stop her from looking at him like he was still the same little boy eating cookies just before dinner. Then, she heard the voices too, one familiar, one not and she moved past him to open the door.
The door swung open and without even looking, Reid could sense Luke’s presence.
NEXT
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A/N: 1) There's been a lot more of Noah in this fic than I'd originally intended, but I'm somewhat pleased to "announce" that the end is in sight. 2) My exams are this week (Yes, again, I seriously have them all the time), but after that I'll hopefully finally have the time to sit down and write more. Let's hope RL agrees with me, because writing this story is one of my favorite things in the world and I feel gutted that I'm unable to write every single day.
Thank you for reading<3!