Now and Again (19/??)
Title: Now and Again
Author: alissablue
Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
Prologue / 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 /
Chapter 19: Don’t worry, Mr. Snyder, your boyfriend will be fine
“Don't you even care if your patient dies?”
He’d gotten a patient, a young boy, after leaving Channing and Noah and… him and he’d spent the last few hours working on this boy, who had crashed on his way to an OR. It had taken Reid a long time until the patient was stable enough to make it through the night. But, quite honestly, he had no idea how he’d done that. No idea how his skilled hands had done whatever they’d needed to do to save the redheaded boy.
“You can't stand the fact that I haven't fallen at your feet.”
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this way, this desperate, this affected and out of control. Control was his thing, always had been, inside and outside the operating room and failure had never been an option in his book. Not during the chess matches of his childhood, not during his internship later on and not now as a surgeon.
And yet, affected and desperate and uncontrolled were the only things that came to mind to define and describe whatever he was feeling. Each color he took in, each scent he inhaled and each person he passed as he wandered through the halls of Memorial, made him want to crawl out of his skin even more. None of it was or came close to what he needed and what he did need, he couldn’t even acknowledge, let alone touch or take or feel or want.
“You don't understand it, because you get whatever you want, whenever you want, and the fact that you haven't gotten me is driving you insane.”
He couldn’t and shouldn’t and wouldn’t want that- him. It, whatever it had been, whatever he’d felt, it had been too much and too strong and too tempting and too seductive to give in to it and the thought alone overwhelmed him at every turn.
Because, fuck, he wanted it.
But he couldn’t let himself be consumed by it, the way he was already starting to crave for it like he needed it to breathe or to feel alive.
After all, it had made him feel more alive than he’d felt since January.
“You didn't realize that. Not consciously, because that would mean that you would have to admit that you have feelings, and that goes against how you live your life.”
His muscles were sore, his fingertips ached and he felt strained to the limit, but all he wanted to do at the moment was run. Run until his lungs couldn’t take it, until he collapsed out of pure exhaustion, until the tangled mess of feelings and thoughts and heartbeats replaced itself with something he could comprehend. And run until the animalistic, one-track mind he’d developed since laying eyes on the blond haired, doe eyed young man went away.
And for that to happen, he needed to go away, get the hell out of Oakdale, pretend he’d never gotten on that plane in the first place and convince himself that Oakdale wasn’t for him, wasn’t what he needed and that none of it had anything to do with meeting Lu- Mr. Snyder.
No, nothing at all.
“Because we're not talking about medicine or about how flawless and perfect you are? Because you’ve got to believe that, don't you?”
But when Reid walked into the waiting room and was met by the sight of him sitting in a chair, he couldn’t help but pause, frozen on the spot. He wanted to get away, to run the other way and make an honest effort not to devour him in a blind surge of hunger and sheer need. But his feet wouldn’t let him. They moved on their own, leading him toward Lu- Mr. Snyder and they didn’t stop until he was almost hovering over him, dangerously close, so close, too close, watching him.
“You can't have feelings, because feelings aren't perfect, but you did have feelings about this, and those feelings messed you up.”
********
“You think I want Noah to die?”
Luke sat in the waiting room with his head buried in his hands, running his fingers through the strands of his dirty blond hair, as his cold fingertips came in contact with his scalp. He’d been sitting there for hours, going out of his mind with worry and fear and confusion and he was exhausted and probably a little shell shocked as well.
“After all the time that you've spent with me, the care that I've given to the man that you told me that you loved, whether you're with him or not, you really think I have an investment in seeing him harmed or dead?”
He’d just woken up in his chair with a gasp, ripped out of another dream he wasn’t ready to leave yet and after the pain had overwhelmed him again, after he’d been able to catch his breath, he had realized that he could remember everything about his dream, from the hurt look on Reid’s face, the tears he had felt streaming down his own and the scripted words they’d exchanged.
Seeing him and feeling Reid’s palm pressed into his own had completely unraveled everything. It had changed everything, affected him more than he’d ever imagined and hours later, nothing seemed to make sense anymore, like it had the initial moment they’d locked eyes. It had become a big, tangled mess of feelings and thoughts and heartbeats, as though he was coming down from an intense high, strong like the liquid that had invaded his innocence at one point in his life.
“That's who you think I am?”
And that- that was dangerous. Wanting something, someone, this much was dangerous. But he did and he couldn’t deny it, as much as it scared him. He wanted more, everything, all of it. He wanted every inch of it.
Every damn molecule of Reid Oliver and more.
“Reid…” He whispered, the name escaping from his lips as if saying it and exhaling it and sharing it with the world would make him want it less.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Snyder, your boyfriend will be fine.”
It didn’t.
He definitely didn’t want it any less.
********
Luke whispered something he couldn’t hear, Reid answered anyway.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Snyder, your boyfriend will be fine.”
Luke’s head snapped up, his eyes wide and wild and furious and pained, almost desperate, looking as out of control as Reid felt, but his expression softened within the blink of an eye at the sight of Reid hovering over him. Reid saw him taking a deep, unsteady breath through his slightly quivering lips, as deep as the one Reid was currently holding himself.
He took a seat next to Luke, not knowing why, as his limbs decided on their own whatever his next move would be. Reid could almost feel the heat radiating from Luke, swore Luke would be able to hear his heart pounding out of his chest if he came a little closer and their knees were as close to touching without actually touching that he almost wished that he could feel the hard friction of Luke’s jeans against his scrubs just to get it over with.
But Reid kept his distance, unsure whether he’d be able to withstand the touch.
“Noah’s not- He’s not my boyfriend… Not anymore.” Luke sighed and leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes for a moment, recollecting his thoughts and trying to lessen some of the thirst that had hit him at Reid’s close proximity. It didn’t work.
“What are you doing here?”
"Here in Oakdale or here with you?"
All of it, everything. "Memorial."
“I work here.”
"So I’ve noticed.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah...” He felt the faint, feverish blush rise up in his cheeks. “But that’s- That’s not what I meant. What made you decide to come here, Dr. Oliver?”
“I was lured and trapped here by something unknown.” He answered, his eyes focusing on the space between their knees and on how he couldn’t under any circumstance, none whatsoever, touch Luke Snyder. Touching Luke Snyder would ruin him, burn him and make him melt like a piece of plastic, he was sure of it. A handshake had been enough the first time.
Luke attempted to define what the unknown had been. A part of him hoped for the same ache he’d felt himself, the rest had high hopes for pure coincidence. Random counterproof to convince him that Reid finding him had nothing to do with him at all. There weren’t gravitational forces at play, greater and stronger than themselves or nature fixing something that had been broken. Heaven above wasn’t stitching up its’ perfection, nor was the impact a single meeting, a touch, a chance encounter and his skin within reach, had had on him anything other than a fabrication.
Except that the impact was still there, persistent and unwavering and his heart was telling him otherwise.
Luke opened his eyes, but kept his head resting against the light green wall behind him. He didn’t want to look at Reid, not just yet, not while his heart was still pounding like this, so loud, so hard, like a comet crashing into the core of the earth, of him, of Reid.
Reid’s own eyes darted from the space between their knees to the rise and fall of Luke’s chest underneath the flimsy fabric of his shirt and as Luke’s breathing mesmerized him, Reid was sure he saw Luke’s breath hitching in his throat when he noticed Reid studying him.
“How long have you been in Oakdale?”
“Too long. Almost two weeks.” Reid’s fingers felt slightly sore and irritated, practically itching from the urge to reach out and touch him. It was almost scientific, the way he wanted to methodically touch and examine every inch of Luke to see what it would do. How every inch revealed and touched and exposed to him would unravel Luke. And that thought-so, so tempting- that frightening tidbit of what would surely become a constant, inner struggle… That was too much science, too much chemistry, too many layers to cut through, even for him.
“Okay, well, how long are you in town for? You're staying, right?”
“Are we playing twenty questions, Mr. Snyder?”
“Are you staying?” Luke wasn’t in the mood for games. He glanced at Reid, his thirst contained, right as Reid looked away, increasing the distance between them by mere inches, although it seemed like two acres. A dream he’d had two months ago popped up into his overactive brain. The guy in his dreams had assured him he wasn’t the guy to play games and Luke had believed him instantly, the Reid that felt so safe, so warm. But this one… Danger lurked from every corner of this one’s blue eyes.
“I’ve considered it... But I don’t think Oakdale’s for me.”
“I think you’re wrong, doctor.”
“I’m a genius, I never am.” Luke chuckled and shook his head, his shoulders shaking a little and his nose scrunching up a bit and the lighthearted sound escaping from him elicited a smile from Reid before he knew it.
“You should give it some time. I think you’ll end up fitting right in.”
“Not sure if that’s a good thing, though, fitting in in Podunk, in the middle of- nowhere, in… the town that time forgot, in-”
“Come on, I’m sure Oakdale has its… attractions.”
“Yeah…” His blue eyes slid over Luke’s body, from his moving chest to his exposed throat to the corner of his lips, slightly curling upwards. It made his stomach turn a bit and he felt a twitch in his groin, which he immediately banished to the far, deep corners of his mind. Luke felt Reid’s eyes on him, filling the air between them with something neither of them wanted to acknowledge. Acknowledgement of the unknown had a habit of leading to scary things. “That it does.”
Luke turned to face him again, catching Reid completely off guard. Fuck. “Re- Dr. Oliver… Could I ask you something?” Reid didn’t even hear him as he unexpectedly met Luke’s eyes and Reid felt himself slipping as if he was standing in quicksand, engulfed by the puddles of chocolate brown reeling him in. He opened his mouth to speak, to express himself as coherently as he’d always presented himself to be, but he found it difficult to even breathe, let alone utter a few words.
Luke swallowed as his brown eyes took in Reid’s blues and for a split second it was as though he saw more in them, as if he was looking into his own eyes and saw the same unnerved expression he could see whenever he caught his own in a window or his bathroom mirror.
“What?” He choked out, the question sounding more like a gasping breath he tried to conceal. Luke kept his eyes on Reid, as though he was searching for something in his eyes he couldn’t seem to find, no matter how long he tried and after a few moments spent in deafening silence, Reid tore his eyes away from Luke and he felt like he could breathe again.
“Could I ask you something?” Luke kept his eyes on Reid, despite Reid looking away and despite the distance Reid had created by doing so, Luke’s voice growing soft like a whisper. Reid nodded as he leaned back and looked down at the space between their knees, which now seemed like the safest place in the world, compared to the brown eyes he still felt on him. “Do you know-”
“Mr. Snyder, there you are!”
********
William Channing knew he had horrible timing.
He’d always had a knack for interrupting people in the midst of conversations, heated moments, arguments and fist fights and stepping out of the elevator and into the waiting room, he knew this time would be no different.
He saw Luke Snyder sitting in a chair with Oliver right next to him and Oliver was looking at Luke like he’d never seen Oliver look at anyone and Channing almost thought there was more to the surgeon than the egotistical bastard he’d always appeared to be. Almost.
“Mr. Snyder, there you are!”
The two men both jumped at the sound of his voice and Luke immediately rose to his feet and gave him that same hopeful look that always reminded him of his daughter. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”
“How’s Noah?” Luke looked at Noah’s doctor, but the green eyes gave nothing away and Luke imagined that the surgeon looked just as stoic as Dr. Oliver would probably appear in a situation like this. He heard Reid rising to his feet behind him and it made the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stand up, when Reid’s exhalations proved just how close he was.
“Dr. Oliver, this does not concern you, so I’d like to speak to Mr. Snyder in private… ” Reid glared at William, who narrowed his eyes in return, which made Reid want to roll his eyes so much, he was afraid to out of fear that they’d get stuck that way.
“No, it’s fine.” Luke’s sudden move startled him, as Luke reached out and grabbed Reid’s wrist and gripped it tightly, as if Reid would suddenly float away if he let go. “He can stay.” Stay, please stay.
Luke’s touch proved him wrong. He didn’t burn or melt like the witch of that cartoon he’d secretly watched as a kid and maybe it did ruin him, maybe it destroyed everything he thought made him who he was, but right then he felt anything but ruined. Reid looked down at where Luke’s hand met his arm and the warmth of Luke’s grip felt more comfortable and safe than he was willing to admit. “Stay,” Luke softly said, his eyes focusing on Reid, piercing through him as Reid refused to meet his eyes.
“No, he’s right, I should go.”
********
“How’s Noah? Will he be able to see again?”
“The surgery went splendidly, Luke. I’ve got the upmost confidence that Mr. Mayer will eventually make a full recovery.”, Reid heard the words, but didn’t believe them, as he walked away, stepped out of the waiting room and made his way to the elevator.
He had to pay Bob Hughes a visit.
NEXT
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A/N: 1) My exams aren't over yet, so if I'm a little late replying to comments, then it's because of that. Next week we'll go back to regular updates^^! 2) The parts in italics in the beginning of the chapter are pieces of dialogue from Noah's canon surgery day. Luke's canon lines are part of the Reid-section and vice versa and it's also the dream Luke had before Reid arrived. I love that scene and the hot hot make out session so much and I think it fits nicely in between Luke and Reid's thoughts after meeting each other for the first time. 3) After all those chapters apart, it's a little weird to write Luke/Reid interacting and invading each other's personal space. Especially because they don't have that "I don't like you" foundation here, but an "I'm in awe of you and you make me very very nervous" foundation, lol. I hope you enjoyed it. =) 4) HAPPY REIDIVERSARY!!!! And thank you for reading<3! Long author's note is looooong!