Title: Now and Again
Author:
alissablue Rating: PG-13/R, will be NC-17 eventually.
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Noah, other Oakdale characters and an OC here or there.
Category: Fix it-fic, AU
Summary: “If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”- W.I. Thomas
Warnings: Angsty Angst, some mindfuckery
Disclaimer: Do not own. Wish I did, though. I could make them do all sorts of kinky stuff.
A/N: Keywords for this fic are ‘patience’ and ‘payoff’. Title credit goes to my epically awesome beta
slayerkitty, who deserves a round of applause for sitting through my long rants, freak outs, smut-related giggles and posting hesitation.
A/N: Me + comments is like... Reid + Sandwiches<3.
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Chapter 32: Misery loves company
Reid sat in his office with stacks of paperwork sprawled out all over his desk. He’d neglected the bulk of it for the past few weeks, always having disliked the amount of paperwork that went into being a high profile surgeon -after all, he hadn’t become a surgeon because he liked his own handwriting so much-, but it was getting to the point where he could barely have lunch in his office without worrying about getting blobs of mayo on a patient’s file.
But as he worked through the stacks of printed paper, his mind kept drifting back to his encounter with Luke. He knew he shouldn’t have shut him out like that, when Luke was the one person he felt drawn to and when he longed to be around him, but the risk… It had to stop, all of it. He couldn’t take the risk of letting Luke in more than he’d had so far, only to have his nightmare become a reality.
A knock interrupted his thoughts. Reid didn’t say a word, as he suspected it would be someone he didn‘t want to talk to anyway, but the knocking persisted.
“Dr. Oliver, I know you’re in there…” Bob freakin’ Hughes. He rolled his eyes, as if Bob could see right through the wooden door and he heard a deep sigh from the other side. “Don’t even think I don’t know you’re rolling your eyes in there.”
“What is it?”
“Could you at least unlock the door? I’d much rather discuss this to your face.”
“Don’t hurt the door’s feelings, Bob-o.”
He got up anyway, walked over to the door and opened it for his boss. Bob looked at him with a smirk and a twinkle in his eyes, as he walked into Reid’s office and promptly took the seat across Reid’s, sitting down as if Reid’s office was his home away from home.
“What brings you here, Dr. Hughes?”, Reid asked as he sat down in front of his desk, staring at Bob with a frown. Bob took in all the paperwork on Reid’s desk and shook his head and chuckled.
“I’m afraid I’ve come bearing bad news. I’ve been looking for an investor for the new neurological wing for the past few weeks- the board won’t agree to any of your demands, unless we have the money to back them up- but, as it turns out, it’s proven quite a challenge to find someone with a stack of cash as high as the stack currently residing on your desk.”
“Are you saying it’s not going to happen?”
“I’m saying that in order for us to convince the board to let us build the wing, we have to cut down on a lot of things and make a few drastic changes to all of your plans.”
“No. No, you lured me here with sweet, romantic promises of eternal access to the hospital chef and a lifetime supply of scalpels and now you’re telling me it’s not happening? All the changes I’ve proposed have only been to ensure that this will be the best damn neurological wing in the country-hell, the world and I refuse to cut down on what could potentially save thousands of lives.”
“Dr. Oliver…”
“Just how much money are we talking about here? I’ll even back it up myself if I have to.”
“I can’t let you do that…. Millions, Reid, we need millions.”
He sighed and leaned back in his chair. He’d been in Oakdale for about a month now, but he easily felt like it had been ten years. He certainly felt ten years older, exhausted all the time and under constant strain from getting hit with that blow to the heart called Luke Snyder and all that it had brought into his life.
That neurological wing was the one thing he could control, the one thing in his life he was sure he wanted and the primary perk -aside those pretty, pouty lips- of moving to Podunk, Illinois. If he lost that, if that one thing he could direct slipped through his fingers… He’d never been powerless, he’d never felt so out of control before 2010, before losing his medical license and before meeting Luke. He was already forcing himself to let go of the idea of Luke, to lose Luke and he couldn’t lose this too.
“Give me two weeks.”
********
Luke carefully shut the door behind him, hesitating when he felt the coldness of the doorknob in the palm of his hand. He knew he had to do this, but he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready for it. He turned around to face his former love, who was sitting up in bed with his arms crossed over his chest and a squint in his dark blue eyes.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d want me here.”
“I’m still not sure.”
“Oh. Then why did you ask me to stay?”
He didn’t approach Noah, just stayed by the door and leaned against it. The weight of their past relationship and the issues and the faded love filled the room, hanging over each spoken word like a thundercloud.
“I don’t know, I guess I just wanted you around… It’s weird not to have you around, it doesn’t feel right… You’ve always been there, Luke. And I finally had my sight back and I wanted to share that with you and you weren’t there.”
“Yes, but… Do you remember why? Why I made the choice not to be there?”
“You said I kept pushing you away, stringing you along. You said it wasn’t supposed to hurt to have me in your life.” He looked at Luke, really looked at him, as if it was the first time he saw him and something changed in his expression. His features softened inexplicably and Luke thought he saw things in Noah’s eyes he’d wanted to see for months now, tinges of regret and concern and maybe even guilt and fear. “But why are you here now?”
“Because the thought of you dying…” One minute with Noah was enough to make him feel like the person he was before he’d vowed not to apologize to him anymore. “I was so scared when Re- Dr. Oliver told me about what had happened to you. I was mostly scared for you, because I still care about you and that doesn’t just go away. But there was this other part… Noah, I want to let go, I need to, because I’ve been stuck in the same place for months now and I need to hear it from you.”
“What do you want from me?”
Luke hesitated for a second and took a deep breath. “Did you push me away on purpose?”
“I don’t…” Noah shook his head, as if it would shake away Luke’s words, wipe off the stain of blood Luke had just caused by asking the question. He couldn’t answer him- that. Noah couldn’t answer that without changing everything, without changing everything he’d made his life out to be for the past year.
“Did you?” Luke looked at Noah as though he hadn’t for years, examining and exploring every line and curve of Noah’s face, the features he knew by heart, before looking into his dark blue eyes and discovering the truth without Noah uttering a single word.
“You say that you love me, but if you did you’d give me the decency to…” Luke’s voice trailed off and he drew in a shaky breath as his voice broke, his vision blurred and his hands closed into clenched fists.
“Luke, let’s not talk about this right now.”
“Noah, I-”
“Not now, Luke! God, I- I just woke up. Why don’t you get that?!”
“I do get that, but I-”
“Why?! Why now, Luke?!”
“Because I gave you three years of my life and now I just want five short minutes of yours! So, yes, now.”
Noah opened his mouth to speak and immediately closed it as he saw the look in Luke’s brown eyes, his own lips still chapped from four days of drought. Luke wanted the truth from him, the godforsaken, painful and bloody truth he’d never uttered out loud and he wasn’t sure he could give it. How could he tell him that he’d needed him to feel it, the hurt and pain like he did, to be blind to something, anything like he himself had been blind to everything?
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Was it something I did? Wasn’t I good enough?”
“No, you were.” Noah sighed. Countless doubts ran through his mind. He’d loved Luke for years, but he knew deep down, that Luke had always given him more than the other way around. Luke had always stood by him, had supported him and after growing up with the Colonel, he’d been surprised to learn what it was like to be loved unconditionally, with such fierce loyalty and without restrictions. Both by Luke and by the Snyders.
His father had always been strict, disciplinary and dominating and while he’d loved Noah in his own way, Noah had always felt like his father had only loved the parts he could control. He hadn’t loved any part of Noah that reminded him of his mother and as it had turned out, he hadn’t loved the part of Noah that loved Luke.
He’d expected Noah to grow up and be like him, the younger clone of Winston Mayer, his successor in every way. But he’d always failed to live up to his father’s expectations and since falling in love with Luke, he’d vowed to be his polar opposite in every way. But now, Luke was standing in front of him, demanding the truth he claimed he deserved and the look in Luke’s eyes told him he’d become more like his father than he’d ever intended, loving the parts of Luke he could control.
He’d never wanted that, to see that look in Luke’s face or to not love all of him.
“You were more than enough. And Dr. Oliver told me you’re here every day and-”
“What? Dr. Oliver?”
“I just- I never meant to be that guy, I never wanted to be that person. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and if you don’t want that anymore, but still stand there every day because you can’t let go… I’m starting to realize how much I hurt you.”
“But why? Did you push me away, because you were scared of losing me anyway? You still had me, I wasn’t going anywhere. Did you feel like I was slipping away from you? Did I make you feel that way?”
“No, it wasn’t you. I was just hurting too much and I…”
“You what? You had to protect yourself? Because I was ‘Big, bad Luke’ who was trying to ruin your life yet again by helping you? Like how I ruined your relationship with Maddie? And your father, your marriage to Ameera and your career by being honest about Mason?”
“No, it wasn’t like that, Luke, I-”
“Tell me… Do you think that little of me?”
“No. No, Luke… I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be alone in this.”
“So, misery loves company?” With that, whatever part of Noah that was still on that pedestal in the back of Luke’s mind, whatever part could draw out apologies from Luke’s quivering lips with reckless abandon, fell from grace -heart, my heart- and shattered. He moved closer to Noah’s bed, walking toward him until his thighs hit the edge of it. He closed his eyes and reached out, cradling Noah’s face in his hands like he’d done countless times before.
“But you weren’t, you weren’t alone at all. I was hurting too, because you kept making sure I knew it was my fault that you couldn’t see anymore. I’ve been stuck for months, because I thought it was my fault. And you never corrected me, not even once. And that hurt.”
“I know, I realize that now, I do. And I’m sorry.” Noah swallowed thickly and cast his eyes downward, avoiding Luke’s gaze and pulling back from the warmth of Luke’s hands on the sides of his face. Luke’s fault, Luke’s fault. Luke’s. Fault. It had been the thought that got him out of bed in the morning, the light he couldn’t see that had guided him through his days. And it had been the soothing mantra as he’d prepared to fall asleep at night, because the focus on those two words instead of reality were all he’d been able to take.
“I’m sorry, Luke, I really am.”
Luke thought of the constant push and pull, the setbacks, the parade of not being good enough and at other times being too much and as he stepped back from Noah, stepped away from his former love and let go, he knew it was over.
“Thank you.” He took a deep breath and for the first time in ages it wasn’t shallow or guarded or shaky or hesitant. He felt free, so, so free, liberated from his chains and the anchor and the chokehold of guilt and Noah and the love they’d once shared and professed.
He walked over to the door, curled his fingers around the handle and turned around. “Luke, where are you going? You’re just going to leave like this?”
“I am. But, remember this, okay? Remember what it felt like to kiss me, to have me and to love me. Because that’s all you’ll have from now on. Because this is the last you’ll see of me.”
“Luke, don’t-”
“Take care and good luck in L.A.. I know you’re gonna be great out there and I wouldn’t want it any other way... Good bye.”
The last thing Noah saw of Luke, was the blinding smile he hadn’t seen in months.
NEXT *********
A/N: 1) Happy birthday to
gradgirl_07 ! I hope you're having a wonderful birthday! =) 2) Yes, this is the last you'll see of Noah, I'm 99% sure of that. If he shows up anyway, it won't be more than a short appearance, I promise. 3) Also, I'm trying to make sure this is the last chapter without Luke/Reid interaction^^! Let's just hope my outline agrees with me. ;)
Thank you for reading<3!