Fic: Coming Home 43/?
Author: PABWECG (aka Patricia)
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Casey, Katie, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/ 14/ 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ 19/ 20/ 21/ 22/ 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ 27/ 28/ 29/ 30/ 31/ 32/ 33/ 34/ 35/ 36/ 37/ 38/ 39/ 40/ 41/ 42/
***Author's note: So sorry it's been so long since I updated. Life has been wonderfully busy with all sorts of summer activities! The next few chapters should be posted much closer together. Anyway, when we last saw Luke and Reid, they had celebrated Christmas Eve together.
Thank you Slayerkitty for being my beta!!!
Chapter 43
Reid and Holden put the chest of drawers down, and Reid arched his back, obviously not used to such heavy lifting. Luke came up behind him and began rubbing his lower back. “I told you to let me carry the heavy ones.” Reid looked offended. “Don’t worry, I still think you’re manly.” When Reid turned around, Luke threw his arms around his neck. “You can rescue me from the next passing dragon, okay? I know how well you wield a sword.”
Reid pulled him close. “I know you do.” He drawled, as he pressed his ‘sword’ up against Luke’s body. “I could give you another demonstration this evening, just in case there are any details you’ve forgotten.”
“Oh, I highly doubt that. You’re usually very thorough.”
“That is true, but a refresher is never a bad idea.”
“That’s also true.” Luke agreed.
Holden cleared his throat. “Um, Sir Lancelot? Could I borrow Luke a moment?” Reid kissed Luke and then released him, and they helped Holden with the boxes that he’d unloaded from his truck, Luke delegating. It didn’t take very long to put the boxes in their proper room, even including the things Noah had sent from California. Pretty shortly, they were finished.
“Luke, sweetheart - there’s one more.” His mother said, handing him a medium sized box. “I’d like you to have these, if you’d like them.” He opened the box and inside were a few carefully wrapped vases, plates, and bowls - some crystal, some pottery, some china - and he gently lifted them out one by one. “They all belonged to mine and your dad’s family - mostly our grandparents. There’s just a few things, but it’s a small reminder that no matter where you are, you’re not far from our hearts.”
“Thank you, Mom.” Luke said, giving her a close hug and then one for his father. “I love you guys.”
“We love you too, Luke.” Holden said.
“Well, we’ll let you get settled in.” Lily said. “Let us know if you need anything.”
“We promised the kids a housewarming party.” Luke said. “How about Saturday?”
“That would be great.” Holden said, knowing Luke would enjoy it just as much as his siblings. “Alright then, we’ll be off.” And with that Lily and Holden left them.
Luke turned around and put his arms around Reid’s neck. “I can’t believe it. My own place. My own kitchen, my own back porch, office, everything. It’s small, but it’s mine.”
Reid laid a hand on Luke’s cheek and kissed him. “I’m so happy for you, Luke.” Then he wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist. “And as much as I’d enjoy giving you that demonstration…” he looked at Luke thoughtfully… “you want to be alone tonight, don’t you?”
Luke thought about it. “I’m not sure if ‘want’ is the right word. It actually makes me a little nervous - having my own space. But I know I need it, and in a way I do want it. So…I hope you don’t mind…”
“Luke” Reid held his chin in his hand, causing their gazes to meet. “You do what you need, for you. Don’t you go being someone else, or pretending you don’t need this…for me, okay?”
“Right.” Luke said, remembering their agreement; he would help Reid with all the ‘being us’ stuff and Reid would help him with the ‘being me’ stuff. “Actually, I think a few days here alone would be…a good thing.”
“Okay. Do you want any help unpacking your stuff?” He looked at Luke and found the answer. “No. Alright.”
“I know it’s only a few days, but I’ll miss you.” Luke was actually starting to feel that nervousness set in. He took a deep breath in and let it out. “How about lunch on Wednesday?”
“Sounds wonderful. And I’ll miss you, too. But remember, you’re stronger than you think. And if the first night or two feels weird…” and he looked at Luke significantly… “or scary…just hold on, it’ll pass, trust me.” And he kissed Luke soundly. “But I hope it won’t be too long before I can give you that demonstration; I don’t want you to go forgetting or anything.”
“How could I?” And he looked warmly at him then. “I love you, Reid.”
“I love you too, Luke.” And he kissed him once more. “Enjoy your space.” He said pointedly. And Luke watched Reid walk out.
He pulled back the flap on the cardboard box and the smell greeted his senses - old, slightly musty, gently perfumed - like his grandma. He took out the folded quilt and glanced at it before gathering it to his chest, his thoughts drifting back ten years or so.
He was surrounded by his family and the evidence of opened birthday presents was at his feet, where he sat on the couch. A box in his lap was almost opened; lifting the flap, he pulled out a beautiful quilt and then looked at his grandma.
“Did you make it?”
“Of course.”
“It's so beautiful.” He studied the lines, colors, and cloths. There was no regular pattern; it must be one of those...
“It's a patchwork quilt,” she said, reading his thoughts, and he smiled. “There are bits and pieces from the thirteen years of your life - baseball uniforms, christening gown, baby blankets.” he looked at it again, searching for familiar swatches. “There's also material from your mother's wedding dress, your dad's honeymoon shirt I made, some of your siblings' favorite outfits, the blanket we always used to sit on for fireworks. And many more, of course.” She stood and took him in her arms. “You're a teenager now, but no matter how old you get, you'll always be a part of this family - a son, a brother, a grandson.”
He held her tight. “Thank you, Gramma.”
Luke opened it slightly and sat on the bed, running his hand over it, the different textures and stitches playing under his skin. He ran a finger over the top edge, the edge he used to always feel under his hands and his chin as he fell asleep night after night. He shook his head, his memory taking him back only eighteen months or so.
Luke filled in the smaller holes in the box of Noah’s textbooks with his favorite classics, occasionally stopping to look at a spine with a fond smile or a laugh.
“We’re not bringing all those are we?” Noah asked, as he taped closed another box with DVDs and placed it on the floor.
“Um…” Luke hesitated with a copy of Wuthering Heights in his hand. “Well, I thought…”
“Luke, you’ve read that…so many times.” He pulled out a few that Luke had packed and looked at them. “These ones too. Don’t you think it’s time you read something new?”
If Noah had been looking he would have seen Luke’s bitch face. “I have read new things, Noah. Lots of new things. What about the two I was telling you about…just last week?”
“Which ones were those?” Noah asked distractedly, pulling some shirts out of a drawer and placing them in a new box.
“Oh, forget it.” Luke said quietly.
Noah didn’t seem to hear and he went on packing his things.
Luke dug some old t-shirts out of his drawer and began removing framed pictures from the wall and the shelves, wrapping each one carefully.
“Um, how many pictures are you planning on bringing, Luke?”
“I don’t know, Noah. How many will you let me bring?”
“I’m sorry, Luke. As many as you like.” Noah said patronizingly. “I just want to make sure the apartment feels like it’s ours.”
“What do you mean, Noah? You’re bringing your things, as well.”
“That’s not what I mean…I’m bringing my things, not my family’s things.” Again Noah adopted that patronizing tone that made Luke cringe. “You’ve got to let go of home someday, Luke…stand on your own two feet, you know?” He said sweetly.
Luke inhaled and let it out through a closed mouth and gritted teeth. He looked around the room to see what else he wanted to bring. His eyes landed on the old quilt his grandma had made for him, years ago - and he smiled, breathing easier. He lifted up two of the corners, studying his favorite places, the worn spots - and then he gently folded it.
“Um…Luke…please tell me that’s not coming.” Luke turned to face him. “It’s so old, Luke. It’s practically falling apart.” He did get to see Luke’s bitch face after all. “Luke,” Noah began to sweet-talk, sitting Luke down. “This is about new beginnings, for us. We’ll buy a new quilt, Luke, one that’s ours, that we chose together.”
“This is really special to me, Noah.”
“I know, Luke. But it belongs here. Wouldn’t it be nice for it to be here when you come to visit?” Again Luke thought Noah sounded like he was talking to a three year old, but he gave in because he didn’t want fight with Noah again.
“Can we stop packing for tonight, Noah?” Luke flopped down on the bed. “It’s hot and I’m beat.”
“Sure. I’ll just go brush my teeth.” Noah left the room, and Luke got undressed and laid down without the covers, in his boxers. He wondered if this move was a good idea. It had always been their dream - well, Noah’s dream, but his dream was to be happy with Noah, right? He was twenty-one now, time for his own life, away from his family. That’s what grown-ups did. Perhaps the change of scenery would make them both happier.
Luke stood up and shook out the quilt; then he spread over his bed - his bed. Looking down at it he shook his head, marveling at how he'd allowed Noah to decide his life for him, for so long. He picked up a smaller, heavier box and carried out tot the living room. Then he began unpacking all of his classics - all those books Noah had said he'd read enough - and he put them, one at a time, on the shelf near the fireplace. He found another box of things that had stayed in Oakdale, unwrapping a few family photos. Finding his hammer and some nails, he hung some up and placed a few on a shelf. One, a photo of him and all his younger siblings piled on top of him - everybody laughing - taken shortly before the L.A. Move - this one he carried back to his bedroom and placed it on his bureau, looking at it with a smile and half a laugh, remembering the day it had been taken.
Even though this was his first day in his new home, he was already beginning to feel a sense of ownership of the space. He moved to the kitchen and opened one of the boxes Noah had sent. He had, miraculously, managed to pack some things without Noah's scrutiny; he'd brought to LA some things of sentimental value from the kitchen at Snyder farm - things that reminded him of his times as a child with his grandmother in the kitchen - a small copper jello mold; a pottery bowl she'd always served her homemade applesauce in; his silver baby spoon.
“Why did you bring this?” Noah asked, holding up the shiny jello mold.
“The jello mold? Why not?” He took it from Noah's hand as if it was sacred. “It reminds me of my gramma.”
“It's not like she'd dead.” Noah said, picking out another piece from the box and looking at it sideways.
“Noah.” Luke scowled.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Luke began roughly putting things away. “It's just...It's a long way from home. I know I'm going to miss her.” He turned around and leaned against the counter. “All of them.”
Noah stepped up to him and put his arms around his waist. “This is our home now, Luke. Give it time, you'll see.”
Luke put his arms around his neck and prayed that his boyfriend was right. Perhaps a new place, a fresh start, wold be just what they needed right now. Maybe he and Noah could find - could build - that sense of home here in L.A.
“Hey. How 'bout I take you out to dinner.” Noah suggested. “Celebrate our first night here?” Luke smiled. Maybe it would be okay.
Two hours later he was flat on his back, his knees pulled up and spread wide, his hands on Noah's shoulders, the new comforter pushed out of the way - to stay clean - and Noah was thrusting into his ass. It felt good; Noah was able to go deep, deeper than usual, and he was hitting that spot. They'd never done it this way, facing each other, and Noah had been reluctant; he liked it the way they usually did it, he was comfortable in that position. But Luke had asked if they could please try it this way and Noah had agreed.
And now, he appeared to be enjoying the sensations as much as Luke. “Noah.” Luke ran a hand through his boyfriend's hair and he opened his blue eyes. “It feels good, doesn't it?”
“Yeah.” Noah smiled a bit. “It's pretty intense.”
“I'm so glad.” He pulled him down and kissed him. “I love you, Noah.”
“I love you too, Luke.” Noah said, his eyes closing again.
“Noah.”
“Hmmm.”
“I hope we're happy here.”
Noah opened his eyes. “Can we not talk, Luke...please.”
“Sorry.” Luke said. He knew that Noah had a difficult time focusing when he talked during sex.
“That's alright...I just wanna...do you mind if I...um, speed up?”
“No, go ahead. It feels good.” He ran a hand through Noah's hair again. “Will you look at me, Noah?”
Noah opened his eyes briefly and sped up his thrusts. As he got closer, Luke could tell that he was approaching orgasm, and he reached in between his own bodies to stroke his own cock. “Yes, yes...” he said.
“Luke, please...” Noah said, and Luke silenced himself.
Noah closed his eyes, his brow furrowed in concentration, and in another minute he came, biting his lips. He rolled off of Luke and lay on his back. Luke curled up against him and ran a hand across his chest. After a minute or so, he spoke softly. “That was nice, Noah. I like being able to watch you, see your face...feel closer to you.”
Noah was silent.
“Did you like it, Noah?”
“Yes.” His brow was furrowed. “I don't know. I like it better the other way, but if want I suppose...we could...sometimes.”
Luke bit his lip and nodded, feeling deflated.
“I just find it easier to focus, you know, to...come, the other way. It's just distracting, I guess, seeing you.”
“Kinda like when I talk?”
“I guess, yeah. I don't know why. It's just easier if I can, I don't know...”
But Luke did - he knew. When they made love, it was like Noah was off somewhere else - alone? With someone else? In a fantasy? Luke wasn't sure where. During the romance and cuddles, Noah was present, but when it became sexual, part of him switched off. And Luke's voice and face - his thoughts and expression - pulled Noah in to a place which was too intimate somehow.
“I guess I'd like to do it the old way, I mean most of the time.” Noah said quietly. “But we can do it that way sometimes, too.” He nodded, distant. “If you want.”
And as they fell asleep that night, Luke again prayed that somehow this new place, this new life, would bring some new energy and happiness to their relationship.
Luke stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, filling his glass from the tap and looking out the window at the snow-covered trees in the field. Sex had always been so much work with Noah. For Noah himself, the work had been in the form of concentration - distractions could cause him to lose interest or to become angry at himself for wanting sex in the first place. For Luke, the work had come in the form of walking on egg shells, keeping himself quiet in bed, not suggesting anything that would seem too daring and make Noah uncomfortable. So much work, for so little pleasure.
With renewed energy, he dug out the new supplies he'd bought yesterday at the pharmacy, and he carried them back to his bedroom, placing them in the bedside table - licking his lips, anticipating his and Reid's next time together. God, how would he wait a whole week? But he needed this space - and the time apart would only make it that much more intense.
Adjusting himself in his pants, he sat down to his laptop and began a search; he'd searched such things before - even when he and Noah had been together - but he'd never purchased anything, ever. God, there was a lot of variety. He tilted his head at some of the pictures, wondering how two people would use such a thing. And where does that go? He blushed and became aroused all at the same time - but mostly he smiled and finally chose something, a rather tame something, but still more than he'd ever tried before. And as he pressed the 'purchase now' button, he felt the exhilaration of the freedom to express himself sexually - his expressive face and voice were free, and his expressive choices and experimentation were set loose.
Beside the computer, on his desk he saw the envelope containing the gift certificate from Reid. He typed in the address for their site and, again, glanced at the different retreat options they had for the next year or so. Did he want to attend one with a particular focus? There were also some which were open-ended - mostly time and space alone to take off in your own direction.
Luke held the certificate in the light of the Christmas tree, Reid's arms around him, both feeling tired in the late, or actually very early, hour.
“There's no date on this, Reid.”
Reid turned his head, humming against Luke's temple.
“I mean, it doesn't say when the retreat is happening.”
“Well no, that's because you have to choose.”
“Oh.” Luke said, snuggling closer.
“And if you don't want to go,” Reid said, his eyes closed, “that's fine, too.”
Luke was silent, trying to identify his own wants. “In the past I'd never have gone, because my family needed me too much.” he said. “And now...”
“Now you're not sure you want to, but you don't want to disappoint me?”
Luke licked his lips, smiling; he turned his head towards Reid who was smiling down at him. “Yeah, maybe.” he kissed Reid's lower lip. “Actually, I do want to go, I just want to wait a bit, I think.”
“That's fine, Luke. And if you'd rather go somewhere else, that's okay too. It's totally your decision.” he ran a hand over Luke's hair. “I just wanted to...I guess let you know...that taking time for yourself, for your needs and wants...is important and perfectly okay. However you want to do it.”
They were quiet for a time, gazing silently at the tree and its colors. “I guess it's like the opposite of your present to me.” Reid said, and Luke looked at him questioningly. “With that stone, so like my grandmother's, you gave me a reminder of my connection to others - as much as I try to avoid it - and a reminder that it's okay to let myself need that connection.”
“Thank you,” Luke said.
Reid held his face and kissed him softly. Luke pulled him closer and kissed him deeply. Reid pushed him slowly back, running a hand through his hair, kissing him slowly, repeatedly, until he was flat on his back on the couch, Reid laying on top of him. Luke's hand traveled down his back, cupping his ass.
They were both tired - it was after two a.m. They'd left the church an hour ago. And even that tired, the desire built quickly.
“Will you be my Christmas present, Reid?”
“Yes.” Reid whispered, pressing down against him.
“Oh good.” Luke panted, one hand in Reid's curls, kissing him deeply, the other pulling Reid's hips closer, feeling Reid's erection rubbing alongside his own. “So good.”
And it didn't take long; that's the way it was with them. So easy; sometimes quick, sometimes lingering; always beautiful, simple, and intense. Before long they were clinging to each other, rutting against each other, fully clothed, faces just slightly apart, eyes upon each other, mouths panting and sighing, softly claiming each other's lips, coming with soft sounds.
“Fuck Reid..so good.” Luke whispered, Reid's silent expression pouring love down on him.
Luke stood and tucked the certificate into its envelope, smiling and putting it aside for now. He'd know when the time was right for going; there was no hurry. For so long he'd felt as if he was waiting for his life to start. Now he felt content to be in the present moment. Right here, right now.
He spent the week alone; not totally alone. He met Reid for a couple of meals, and he saw his family once or twice. He took trips into town - once to buy color paint for his office, and a couple times for food. And those were nice times; but mostly he spent his time alone. Reading and writing; thinking and snowshoeing; rearranging and decorating; cooking and eating; sleeping under his grandmother's quilt; beside the photos of the people he loved; hearing Reid's voice through the phone at bedtime; thinking about his dreams and beliefs, his life as an individual. He felt like he was taking his first steps towards finding the balance between being 'Luke alone' and being 'Luke in relationship' - he needed to be both, and having this space, his space, for the first time, was like a brand new chapter, and he could feel the changes - the shift beginning.
next part/
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Casey, Katie, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/ 14/ 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ 19/ 20/ 21/ 22/ 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ 27/ 28/ 29/ 30/ 31/ 32/ 33/ 34/ 35/ 36/ 37/ 38/ 39/ 40/ 41/ 42/
***Author's note: So sorry it's been so long since I updated. Life has been wonderfully busy with all sorts of summer activities! The next few chapters should be posted much closer together. Anyway, when we last saw Luke and Reid, they had celebrated Christmas Eve together.
Thank you Slayerkitty for being my beta!!!
Chapter 43
Reid and Holden put the chest of drawers down, and Reid arched his back, obviously not used to such heavy lifting. Luke came up behind him and began rubbing his lower back. “I told you to let me carry the heavy ones.” Reid looked offended. “Don’t worry, I still think you’re manly.” When Reid turned around, Luke threw his arms around his neck. “You can rescue me from the next passing dragon, okay? I know how well you wield a sword.”
Reid pulled him close. “I know you do.” He drawled, as he pressed his ‘sword’ up against Luke’s body. “I could give you another demonstration this evening, just in case there are any details you’ve forgotten.”
“Oh, I highly doubt that. You’re usually very thorough.”
“That is true, but a refresher is never a bad idea.”
“That’s also true.” Luke agreed.
Holden cleared his throat. “Um, Sir Lancelot? Could I borrow Luke a moment?” Reid kissed Luke and then released him, and they helped Holden with the boxes that he’d unloaded from his truck, Luke delegating. It didn’t take very long to put the boxes in their proper room, even including the things Noah had sent from California. Pretty shortly, they were finished.
“Luke, sweetheart - there’s one more.” His mother said, handing him a medium sized box. “I’d like you to have these, if you’d like them.” He opened the box and inside were a few carefully wrapped vases, plates, and bowls - some crystal, some pottery, some china - and he gently lifted them out one by one. “They all belonged to mine and your dad’s family - mostly our grandparents. There’s just a few things, but it’s a small reminder that no matter where you are, you’re not far from our hearts.”
“Thank you, Mom.” Luke said, giving her a close hug and then one for his father. “I love you guys.”
“We love you too, Luke.” Holden said.
“Well, we’ll let you get settled in.” Lily said. “Let us know if you need anything.”
“We promised the kids a housewarming party.” Luke said. “How about Saturday?”
“That would be great.” Holden said, knowing Luke would enjoy it just as much as his siblings. “Alright then, we’ll be off.” And with that Lily and Holden left them.
Luke turned around and put his arms around Reid’s neck. “I can’t believe it. My own place. My own kitchen, my own back porch, office, everything. It’s small, but it’s mine.”
Reid laid a hand on Luke’s cheek and kissed him. “I’m so happy for you, Luke.” Then he wrapped his arms around Luke’s waist. “And as much as I’d enjoy giving you that demonstration…” he looked at Luke thoughtfully… “you want to be alone tonight, don’t you?”
Luke thought about it. “I’m not sure if ‘want’ is the right word. It actually makes me a little nervous - having my own space. But I know I need it, and in a way I do want it. So…I hope you don’t mind…”
“Luke” Reid held his chin in his hand, causing their gazes to meet. “You do what you need, for you. Don’t you go being someone else, or pretending you don’t need this…for me, okay?”
“Right.” Luke said, remembering their agreement; he would help Reid with all the ‘being us’ stuff and Reid would help him with the ‘being me’ stuff. “Actually, I think a few days here alone would be…a good thing.”
“Okay. Do you want any help unpacking your stuff?” He looked at Luke and found the answer. “No. Alright.”
“I know it’s only a few days, but I’ll miss you.” Luke was actually starting to feel that nervousness set in. He took a deep breath in and let it out. “How about lunch on Wednesday?”
“Sounds wonderful. And I’ll miss you, too. But remember, you’re stronger than you think. And if the first night or two feels weird…” and he looked at Luke significantly… “or scary…just hold on, it’ll pass, trust me.” And he kissed Luke soundly. “But I hope it won’t be too long before I can give you that demonstration; I don’t want you to go forgetting or anything.”
“How could I?” And he looked warmly at him then. “I love you, Reid.”
“I love you too, Luke.” And he kissed him once more. “Enjoy your space.” He said pointedly. And Luke watched Reid walk out.
He pulled back the flap on the cardboard box and the smell greeted his senses - old, slightly musty, gently perfumed - like his grandma. He took out the folded quilt and glanced at it before gathering it to his chest, his thoughts drifting back ten years or so.
He was surrounded by his family and the evidence of opened birthday presents was at his feet, where he sat on the couch. A box in his lap was almost opened; lifting the flap, he pulled out a beautiful quilt and then looked at his grandma.
“Did you make it?”
“Of course.”
“It's so beautiful.” He studied the lines, colors, and cloths. There was no regular pattern; it must be one of those...
“It's a patchwork quilt,” she said, reading his thoughts, and he smiled. “There are bits and pieces from the thirteen years of your life - baseball uniforms, christening gown, baby blankets.” he looked at it again, searching for familiar swatches. “There's also material from your mother's wedding dress, your dad's honeymoon shirt I made, some of your siblings' favorite outfits, the blanket we always used to sit on for fireworks. And many more, of course.” She stood and took him in her arms. “You're a teenager now, but no matter how old you get, you'll always be a part of this family - a son, a brother, a grandson.”
He held her tight. “Thank you, Gramma.”
Luke opened it slightly and sat on the bed, running his hand over it, the different textures and stitches playing under his skin. He ran a finger over the top edge, the edge he used to always feel under his hands and his chin as he fell asleep night after night. He shook his head, his memory taking him back only eighteen months or so.
Luke filled in the smaller holes in the box of Noah’s textbooks with his favorite classics, occasionally stopping to look at a spine with a fond smile or a laugh.
“We’re not bringing all those are we?” Noah asked, as he taped closed another box with DVDs and placed it on the floor.
“Um…” Luke hesitated with a copy of Wuthering Heights in his hand. “Well, I thought…”
“Luke, you’ve read that…so many times.” He pulled out a few that Luke had packed and looked at them. “These ones too. Don’t you think it’s time you read something new?”
If Noah had been looking he would have seen Luke’s bitch face. “I have read new things, Noah. Lots of new things. What about the two I was telling you about…just last week?”
“Which ones were those?” Noah asked distractedly, pulling some shirts out of a drawer and placing them in a new box.
“Oh, forget it.” Luke said quietly.
Noah didn’t seem to hear and he went on packing his things.
Luke dug some old t-shirts out of his drawer and began removing framed pictures from the wall and the shelves, wrapping each one carefully.
“Um, how many pictures are you planning on bringing, Luke?”
“I don’t know, Noah. How many will you let me bring?”
“I’m sorry, Luke. As many as you like.” Noah said patronizingly. “I just want to make sure the apartment feels like it’s ours.”
“What do you mean, Noah? You’re bringing your things, as well.”
“That’s not what I mean…I’m bringing my things, not my family’s things.” Again Noah adopted that patronizing tone that made Luke cringe. “You’ve got to let go of home someday, Luke…stand on your own two feet, you know?” He said sweetly.
Luke inhaled and let it out through a closed mouth and gritted teeth. He looked around the room to see what else he wanted to bring. His eyes landed on the old quilt his grandma had made for him, years ago - and he smiled, breathing easier. He lifted up two of the corners, studying his favorite places, the worn spots - and then he gently folded it.
“Um…Luke…please tell me that’s not coming.” Luke turned to face him. “It’s so old, Luke. It’s practically falling apart.” He did get to see Luke’s bitch face after all. “Luke,” Noah began to sweet-talk, sitting Luke down. “This is about new beginnings, for us. We’ll buy a new quilt, Luke, one that’s ours, that we chose together.”
“This is really special to me, Noah.”
“I know, Luke. But it belongs here. Wouldn’t it be nice for it to be here when you come to visit?” Again Luke thought Noah sounded like he was talking to a three year old, but he gave in because he didn’t want fight with Noah again.
“Can we stop packing for tonight, Noah?” Luke flopped down on the bed. “It’s hot and I’m beat.”
“Sure. I’ll just go brush my teeth.” Noah left the room, and Luke got undressed and laid down without the covers, in his boxers. He wondered if this move was a good idea. It had always been their dream - well, Noah’s dream, but his dream was to be happy with Noah, right? He was twenty-one now, time for his own life, away from his family. That’s what grown-ups did. Perhaps the change of scenery would make them both happier.
Luke stood up and shook out the quilt; then he spread over his bed - his bed. Looking down at it he shook his head, marveling at how he'd allowed Noah to decide his life for him, for so long. He picked up a smaller, heavier box and carried out tot the living room. Then he began unpacking all of his classics - all those books Noah had said he'd read enough - and he put them, one at a time, on the shelf near the fireplace. He found another box of things that had stayed in Oakdale, unwrapping a few family photos. Finding his hammer and some nails, he hung some up and placed a few on a shelf. One, a photo of him and all his younger siblings piled on top of him - everybody laughing - taken shortly before the L.A. Move - this one he carried back to his bedroom and placed it on his bureau, looking at it with a smile and half a laugh, remembering the day it had been taken.
Even though this was his first day in his new home, he was already beginning to feel a sense of ownership of the space. He moved to the kitchen and opened one of the boxes Noah had sent. He had, miraculously, managed to pack some things without Noah's scrutiny; he'd brought to LA some things of sentimental value from the kitchen at Snyder farm - things that reminded him of his times as a child with his grandmother in the kitchen - a small copper jello mold; a pottery bowl she'd always served her homemade applesauce in; his silver baby spoon.
“Why did you bring this?” Noah asked, holding up the shiny jello mold.
“The jello mold? Why not?” He took it from Noah's hand as if it was sacred. “It reminds me of my gramma.”
“It's not like she'd dead.” Noah said, picking out another piece from the box and looking at it sideways.
“Noah.” Luke scowled.
“What?”
“Nothing.” Luke began roughly putting things away. “It's just...It's a long way from home. I know I'm going to miss her.” He turned around and leaned against the counter. “All of them.”
Noah stepped up to him and put his arms around his waist. “This is our home now, Luke. Give it time, you'll see.”
Luke put his arms around his neck and prayed that his boyfriend was right. Perhaps a new place, a fresh start, wold be just what they needed right now. Maybe he and Noah could find - could build - that sense of home here in L.A.
“Hey. How 'bout I take you out to dinner.” Noah suggested. “Celebrate our first night here?” Luke smiled. Maybe it would be okay.
Two hours later he was flat on his back, his knees pulled up and spread wide, his hands on Noah's shoulders, the new comforter pushed out of the way - to stay clean - and Noah was thrusting into his ass. It felt good; Noah was able to go deep, deeper than usual, and he was hitting that spot. They'd never done it this way, facing each other, and Noah had been reluctant; he liked it the way they usually did it, he was comfortable in that position. But Luke had asked if they could please try it this way and Noah had agreed.
And now, he appeared to be enjoying the sensations as much as Luke. “Noah.” Luke ran a hand through his boyfriend's hair and he opened his blue eyes. “It feels good, doesn't it?”
“Yeah.” Noah smiled a bit. “It's pretty intense.”
“I'm so glad.” He pulled him down and kissed him. “I love you, Noah.”
“I love you too, Luke.” Noah said, his eyes closing again.
“Noah.”
“Hmmm.”
“I hope we're happy here.”
Noah opened his eyes. “Can we not talk, Luke...please.”
“Sorry.” Luke said. He knew that Noah had a difficult time focusing when he talked during sex.
“That's alright...I just wanna...do you mind if I...um, speed up?”
“No, go ahead. It feels good.” He ran a hand through Noah's hair again. “Will you look at me, Noah?”
Noah opened his eyes briefly and sped up his thrusts. As he got closer, Luke could tell that he was approaching orgasm, and he reached in between his own bodies to stroke his own cock. “Yes, yes...” he said.
“Luke, please...” Noah said, and Luke silenced himself.
Noah closed his eyes, his brow furrowed in concentration, and in another minute he came, biting his lips. He rolled off of Luke and lay on his back. Luke curled up against him and ran a hand across his chest. After a minute or so, he spoke softly. “That was nice, Noah. I like being able to watch you, see your face...feel closer to you.”
Noah was silent.
“Did you like it, Noah?”
“Yes.” His brow was furrowed. “I don't know. I like it better the other way, but if want I suppose...we could...sometimes.”
Luke bit his lip and nodded, feeling deflated.
“I just find it easier to focus, you know, to...come, the other way. It's just distracting, I guess, seeing you.”
“Kinda like when I talk?”
“I guess, yeah. I don't know why. It's just easier if I can, I don't know...”
But Luke did - he knew. When they made love, it was like Noah was off somewhere else - alone? With someone else? In a fantasy? Luke wasn't sure where. During the romance and cuddles, Noah was present, but when it became sexual, part of him switched off. And Luke's voice and face - his thoughts and expression - pulled Noah in to a place which was too intimate somehow.
“I guess I'd like to do it the old way, I mean most of the time.” Noah said quietly. “But we can do it that way sometimes, too.” He nodded, distant. “If you want.”
And as they fell asleep that night, Luke again prayed that somehow this new place, this new life, would bring some new energy and happiness to their relationship.
Luke stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, filling his glass from the tap and looking out the window at the snow-covered trees in the field. Sex had always been so much work with Noah. For Noah himself, the work had been in the form of concentration - distractions could cause him to lose interest or to become angry at himself for wanting sex in the first place. For Luke, the work had come in the form of walking on egg shells, keeping himself quiet in bed, not suggesting anything that would seem too daring and make Noah uncomfortable. So much work, for so little pleasure.
With renewed energy, he dug out the new supplies he'd bought yesterday at the pharmacy, and he carried them back to his bedroom, placing them in the bedside table - licking his lips, anticipating his and Reid's next time together. God, how would he wait a whole week? But he needed this space - and the time apart would only make it that much more intense.
Adjusting himself in his pants, he sat down to his laptop and began a search; he'd searched such things before - even when he and Noah had been together - but he'd never purchased anything, ever. God, there was a lot of variety. He tilted his head at some of the pictures, wondering how two people would use such a thing. And where does that go? He blushed and became aroused all at the same time - but mostly he smiled and finally chose something, a rather tame something, but still more than he'd ever tried before. And as he pressed the 'purchase now' button, he felt the exhilaration of the freedom to express himself sexually - his expressive face and voice were free, and his expressive choices and experimentation were set loose.
Beside the computer, on his desk he saw the envelope containing the gift certificate from Reid. He typed in the address for their site and, again, glanced at the different retreat options they had for the next year or so. Did he want to attend one with a particular focus? There were also some which were open-ended - mostly time and space alone to take off in your own direction.
Luke held the certificate in the light of the Christmas tree, Reid's arms around him, both feeling tired in the late, or actually very early, hour.
“There's no date on this, Reid.”
Reid turned his head, humming against Luke's temple.
“I mean, it doesn't say when the retreat is happening.”
“Well no, that's because you have to choose.”
“Oh.” Luke said, snuggling closer.
“And if you don't want to go,” Reid said, his eyes closed, “that's fine, too.”
Luke was silent, trying to identify his own wants. “In the past I'd never have gone, because my family needed me too much.” he said. “And now...”
“Now you're not sure you want to, but you don't want to disappoint me?”
Luke licked his lips, smiling; he turned his head towards Reid who was smiling down at him. “Yeah, maybe.” he kissed Reid's lower lip. “Actually, I do want to go, I just want to wait a bit, I think.”
“That's fine, Luke. And if you'd rather go somewhere else, that's okay too. It's totally your decision.” he ran a hand over Luke's hair. “I just wanted to...I guess let you know...that taking time for yourself, for your needs and wants...is important and perfectly okay. However you want to do it.”
They were quiet for a time, gazing silently at the tree and its colors. “I guess it's like the opposite of your present to me.” Reid said, and Luke looked at him questioningly. “With that stone, so like my grandmother's, you gave me a reminder of my connection to others - as much as I try to avoid it - and a reminder that it's okay to let myself need that connection.”
“Thank you,” Luke said.
Reid held his face and kissed him softly. Luke pulled him closer and kissed him deeply. Reid pushed him slowly back, running a hand through his hair, kissing him slowly, repeatedly, until he was flat on his back on the couch, Reid laying on top of him. Luke's hand traveled down his back, cupping his ass.
They were both tired - it was after two a.m. They'd left the church an hour ago. And even that tired, the desire built quickly.
“Will you be my Christmas present, Reid?”
“Yes.” Reid whispered, pressing down against him.
“Oh good.” Luke panted, one hand in Reid's curls, kissing him deeply, the other pulling Reid's hips closer, feeling Reid's erection rubbing alongside his own. “So good.”
And it didn't take long; that's the way it was with them. So easy; sometimes quick, sometimes lingering; always beautiful, simple, and intense. Before long they were clinging to each other, rutting against each other, fully clothed, faces just slightly apart, eyes upon each other, mouths panting and sighing, softly claiming each other's lips, coming with soft sounds.
“Fuck Reid..so good.” Luke whispered, Reid's silent expression pouring love down on him.
Luke stood and tucked the certificate into its envelope, smiling and putting it aside for now. He'd know when the time was right for going; there was no hurry. For so long he'd felt as if he was waiting for his life to start. Now he felt content to be in the present moment. Right here, right now.
He spent the week alone; not totally alone. He met Reid for a couple of meals, and he saw his family once or twice. He took trips into town - once to buy color paint for his office, and a couple times for food. And those were nice times; but mostly he spent his time alone. Reading and writing; thinking and snowshoeing; rearranging and decorating; cooking and eating; sleeping under his grandmother's quilt; beside the photos of the people he loved; hearing Reid's voice through the phone at bedtime; thinking about his dreams and beliefs, his life as an individual. He felt like he was taking his first steps towards finding the balance between being 'Luke alone' and being 'Luke in relationship' - he needed to be both, and having this space, his space, for the first time, was like a brand new chapter, and he could feel the changes - the shift beginning.
next part/