Fic: Coming Home 14/?
Author: PABWECG (aka Patricia)
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Katie, Casey, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Disclaimers: I don’t own any of them, zilch, nada…
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
It’s now October 2010. Luke is 22, Ethan is 6.
Thank you Slayerkitty, my terrific beta!
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/
Chapter 14
Luke spent the next week trying to remember who he was.
Things with Reid were moving too fast, or not fast enough - he wasn’t sure which. Sunday night, before Reid had gone home, they’d eaten dinner together. A day that had begun with Noah and shame, and had continued with drinking (more shame), and had moved on to desire (and, of course, shame), had ended with tenderness and quiet. Just he and Reid sharing soup and crackers and a stillness like dusk. The end of the day had come, for better or for worse. You could judge it all you like; it didn’t change the fact that the day had ended, not needing your permission to do so.
When Reid had left that evening, he had laid a gentle hand on Luke’s cheek and kissed him softly. Luke had slept soundly - in the guest room. Noah’s hateful and judgmental presence seemed to linger in Luke’s room, so he stayed away from it for now. Luke seemed to intuitively know that he needed to be kind to himself right now; so yes, he stayed away.
Luke needed - for his very survival, he realized - to remember who he was. He needed to find Luke again. Not Luke of ‘Luke and Noah’; and not Luke who was fast falling for Reid Oliver; but just Luke.
Luke was a social person; he needed to be with others, at least part of the time, to keep himself sane, healthy, and happy. He had lunch with Casey, he got together to chat with both his grandmothers, and after a couple of days his siblings were back at the farm, and he spent lots of time with them in the evenings. He stayed away from the hospital, and Reid; he missed him, God he missed him. But he knew that if he saw him they’d find themselves acting out at least a few of the things that Luke had been fantasizing about. And he just couldn’t go there yet. He was very afraid of losing himself in Reid, the way he’d lost himself in Noah.
Once, as he was having coffee with Lucinda at Java however, Reid came in, apparently on his way to the hospital. Reid had stood at the counter, waiting for his order, and he’d unabashedly looked at Luke. They’d held each other’s gaze for a good 30 seconds - Reid’s not faltering even as the attendant handed him his food - until Lucinda had looked over her shoulder to follow Luke’s eyes. With that one look - with those 30 seconds of Luke’s day - Reid had wordlessly changed his world, again. Reid’s eyes, his small smile, held no judgment; somehow, when Reid looked upon him, Luke knew he was okay, he knew that he didn’t need to be anyone other than himself, Luke Snyder.
Luke spent time with his horses, enjoying - and learning from - the simple relationship he shared with them. Animals were so much easier than people. With animals you knew exactly where you stood. They didn’t pretend, and they didn’t expect you to pretend either. If you just listened to them, you’d know if they wanted to be touched, or if they wanted their space. When they were hungry you fed them; if they needed to run, you let them run. And when they were tired, they went to sleep; they were so easy to figure out.
He Googled his foundation - the Luke Snyder Foundation -he Googled his own foundation; he’d set it up and then somehow, like so many of his dreams and passions, it had gotten lost in the story of ‘following Noah’s dreams’. He called Lucinda again to see if maybe they could talk about some ideas he had for some grants to hospitals.
And one day - Thursday, maybe - Luke cautiously, but excitedly entered the bookstore. His eyes and his hands trailed across the covers and spines of the various journals, taking in the colors and textures, seeing which one called out most strongly to him. He almost walked out without one; he hadn’t written in a long time, and he knew what writing could bring out in him - everything. Writing uncovered his mind, heart, and soul - and that, as anyone who’s ever given it much thought knows, is a scary thing. But, he decided that he was done pretending; he was done living someone else’s life. He was Luke Snyder, and he wanted - scary or not - to live his life; to think his thoughts, feel his emotions, and dream his dreams. So, he picked one out and carried it home.
Reid Oliver spent that same week being confused about who he was.
For the first time in his life, Reid was having visions - yes, that’s what they were - of being someone’s boyfriend. Oh, he’d had dates and lots of hot sex; he’d had friends…sort of, although this thing with Katie, well, that was something else; he’d even go so far as to say he’d had a relationship or two - you know, dates, and friendship, and great sex with one particular guy for an extended period of time. But, underneath all that, at his core, he was Reid Oliver.
He’d never had too much trouble seeing himself as an individual beyond his career. Yes, he was more than just Reid Oliver, the world-class neurosurgeon. He was Reid Oliver, a man. But an individual; never - ever - did he define himself as somebody’s anything. He supposed that as a child he probably did define himself partially as the son of his parents, and later as Uncle Angus’s nephew…maybe…but after that, no. He was Reid Oliver - belonging to no one. So he was shocked, and worried, that he might even contemplate calling himself Luke Snyder’s boyfriend. Not that he was Luke’s boyfriend. No, that’s not what he was saying. But just the thought that he’d caught himself wishing that he was - well, anyone’s boyfriend, really - well, that kinda freaked him out; and it definitely confused him.
So, as pleasant as it was to think about Luke - and it was, and he did - it was much safer to spend his energy in his work. So he worked, and he enjoyed his work; he enjoyed his professional relationship with Bob; he began to see that behind the small-town hospital façade was an institution that was well run and staffed by mostly professionals who really cared. Perhaps not on top of every bit of the latest research, but each patient really knew that they weren’t a number in anyone’s book.
Try as he might, however - not that he tried too hard - thoughts of Luke were never far from his mind. He remembered the look in his eyes as he spoke about the joy he found in writing; he remembered the feeling of his hands in Luke’s hair as he slept on the couch beside him; he remembered - oh he remembered, all right - the sound of Luke’s voice when he was aroused; he woke - after dreaming of that voice - hard in his bed, and taking his dick in his hand, was shocked by the intense orgasm that had him quickly spilling over his hand.
Unfortunately, there was another voice that he remembered even more clearly: Luke’s voice, filled with shame, as he spoke about his drinking. And he remembered Luke’s shame-filled eyes after their encounter on the couch, as he kept saying the words ‘Noah was right, Noah was right.’ He remembered feeling so angry towards Noah, whom he hardly knew; but he knew enough, just by hearing how Luke said Noah’s name. Reid smiled remembering being able to witness some of that shame leave Luke’s face as they’d spent the evening quietly together; actually, he felt honored - that Luke would let him in so far, to such a vulnerable place, to be able to look right into Luke’s heart. No one had ever let him in that far before.
He wondered how Luke had been doing this week, but he didn’t call him. Luke hadn’t called either. Perhaps if he needed sometime to process this whirlwind of a week, then Luke did too. Still, he wished he knew how Luke was; wished he knew that Luke wasn’t alone, felling like the bottle was his only friend. But no, he had Casey, and his family; Luke would be okay. He’d had a particularly hard day - one that Luke had never told Reid the details of - but that didn’t mean that every day tempted Luke to drink, or that Luke wasn’t strong enough to fight it most of the time. We all had days where we just couldn’t deal, and off the wagon (whatever our wagon may be) we’d fall; Luke wasn’t alone there. He wondered if Luke knew that, or if Noah had thoroughly convinced Luke that he was alone in his weaknesses.
There was that moment, just yesterday, when he’d wandered into Java on his way to work, and at that corner table - where he’d first seen Luke with Casey - was Luke again. He was with an older woman Reid remembered from the wedding, perhaps his grandmother. Luke had seen him immediately, and they’d held each other’s gaze for a good long time - only it wasn’t long enough. Luke looked beautiful…gorgeous…edible…but most importantly, he looked okay. He looked okay, and Reid was surprised by how much that meant to him; how much he’d needed to know that Luke was okay. Eventually, the woman with Luke turned and looked at him as well. Luke had lowered his gaze, with a blush that went straight to Reid’s heart. He heard her speak quietly to Luke, who looked up and flashed him a brief smile before turning to answer her. Reid smiled to himself, happier than he could imagine feeling after such a brief encounter, and continued on his way to the hospital.
By the end of the week, Luke was feeling much stronger and happier. He’d done a little bit of writing each of the last couple of days; he’d actually gotten into a little routine, doing small bits at a time, feeling it out, stretching his writer’s muscles again. And between that and time spent with his horses, his siblings, and taking long walks, enjoying some cooking, he was feeling pretty good. He was feeling a lot better than he’d felt in a long time; it was like he was on a retreat - not a retreat from the world, but a retreat from the life he’d been pretending to enjoy. It had been so long since he’d even asked himself the question, ‘Luke, what do you want?’ He was rediscovering the answer, at least the simple answers: he wanted to take care of himself; he wanted to spend time with the people he cared about; he wanted to write; he wanted to laugh and smile. He wanted to be happy.
And as he allowed himself to take that question with him into the bedroom (still the guest room) at night, he was discovering interesting answers. He wanted Reid, yes he did. But more than that, he wanted to enjoy sex. Of course he did! Who didn’t? Well, Noah didn’t, he realized. He’d been in a three-year relationship with a man who almost hated the fact that he enjoyed sex; and Noah’s neuroses, Luke was now realizing, had been passed on to him.
Luke had long wondered why it had taken them so long to first have sex; but thinking about it now, it was starting to make sense. Noah was always most comfortable with their relationship when it was all about romance and cuddling and friendship; not that there was anything wrong with those things, and they certainly belonged in a relationship. But whenever they crossed the line into sex, where Luke had always imagined he’d feel most close to him, Noah would retreat. It’s like a part of him would shut down, or close down, keeping Luke out. Luke thought now, that Noah was keeping himself out as well.
He supposed that, honestly, it wasn’t always like that. There were times, when they’d been feeling particularly close - like on their anniversary, or after a really nice night out together - when Noah’s guard would be down and he’d let Luke make love to him without hiding. Even during those times, however, afterward, Noah’s face would slowly darken with shame, or he’d get up quickly to shower, or he’d turn away and go right to sleep. Luke rarely saw Noah enjoy his own sexual desire, and Noah had a particularly difficult time with Luke’s enjoyment of it.
Luke knew he was a very vocal person - in and out of bed; most of the time, Luke kept himself pretty quiet, because he knew it upset Noah, but sometimes he couldn’t control it and he would moan or chant Noah’s name, or tell Noah what he wanted. Noah would react almost instantly; sometimes he’d turn away and say he was tired; sometimes he’d tell Luke that he shouldn’t say things like that because it made him sound like a whore; and sometimes, it would turn Noah on so much that he would take Luke roughly. Luke really liked that, but then he hated it because of the looks Noah would later give him - looks that said he plainly though Luke was a whore. Noah would later be all sweet, feeling guilty for having made Luke feel so bad, when it was obviously - he would be too ashamed to admit - something he also wanted. But still, underneath it all was an unspoken agreement that if Luke would simply not voice such things, then neither of them would go down that unwholesome, unsavory path.
Luke realized now, that he was tired of living like that; he was tired of feeling ashamed of his own feelings. He’d felt ashamed of his feelings before he’d come out; then when he and Noah were first together, he had finally been able to embrace what his heart wanted. But he hadn’t realized, until now, that with Noah he’d embraced a new shame, not so much of his heart’s desires but his body’s. But how do you separate your heart from your body?
He remembered what happened with Reid on the couch on Sunday - drinking or not, his memory was clear on this. Noah would certainly say he’d thrown himself at Reid. Noah would also say that Reid had taken advantage of him because he’d been drinking. Noah would say a lot of things that Luke didn’t want to think about right now. But what had actually happened?
Reid had kissed him; he had lain down on top of Reid. They’d held each other and come. God, Luke was getting hard again just thinking about it. But it was more than that. There was so much tenderness in Reid’s kisses and in the way he’d said Luke’s name; and for Luke, it wasn’t just about reaching his climax - he’d felt like he needed to be as close as possible to Reid. And he’d felt safe there. Safe enough to say the words he’d said. Was it just the alcohol that had loosened his lips, or was there something about Reid that allowed Luke to let out those words - words he’d hardly ever let escape his lips with Noah. Words like fuck. Reid hadn’t pulled back when he’d uttered that word, he’d pulled Luke closer; Luke blushed remembering…he’d unbuttoned my pants, oh Jesus…he closed his eyes, and allowed his hand now to caress himself. Later, Luke, later, he thought, removing his hand. He wanted to understand this. Reid hadn’t flinched when Luke had said it, or when he had moaned. Even afterward, there’d been no shame on Reid’s face. Even as I was falling apart, feeling angry and embarrassed, Reid didn’t seem to be.
Being alone at the farm every day gave Luke plenty of time and space to think about all this; he wrote about it - everything from his feelings and experiences with Noah, to (he blushed) stories of what he imagined sex could really be like; he talked out loud to himself about it - a very good thing that he was alone at the farm; he masturbated a lot. This was new. Masturbation - his most consistently reliable sexual outlet for the last three years - was certainly not new; what was new was doing it without guilt. He’d always wanted sex so much more often than Noah; reason told him (and Noah would have also told him, had he any clue how often Luke jerked off), that there must be something wrong with him. So when he wasn’t feeling guilty he was at least feeling embarrassed. Not anymore. He tried most of the rooms, many surfaces…and lots of fantasies. By the end of the week, his wrist and his dick were pretty tired, but Luke was feeling a lot better.
By the end of the week, Reid was feeling…well, Reid was feeling even more confused. Not only had he been entertaining thoughts of being someone’s boyfriend, but he was noticing all sorts of signs of becoming willingly attached to this town. He’d had lunch with Bob…lunch with his temporary Chief of Staff; and they’d talked - Reid realized he’d almost let slip that he’d love the opportunity to move permanently to this backwoods town and take up the position Bob was offering him. Bob mentioned something about there maybe being other, more personal, reasons to stay in Oakdale; he said something about he and a certain Snyder not having been exactly subtle at the wedding. Reid left that lunch feeling just a little too accurately scrutinized.
Reid had taken Jacob for walks - as a favor to Katie, when her babysitter left her hanging; and then later, after trying to teach the kid chess (God, Reid, he could choke on those!) Katie had caught him singing the kid to sleep. He found himself talking to Katie - like, really talking, you know, about feelings and stuff. He’d told her about some of his patients he’d lost; about losing his own parents when he was just a kid; about his difficult relationship with his uncle.
Reid didn’t do attached, that’s why he didn’t stay put, or if he did, it was in a big city where you could stay anonymous for years and years. That’s why he didn’t do friends, with one exception, and he didn’t become too acquainted with colleagues, and he didn’t have boyfriends. But here he was considering all of these things. Heck, he wasn’t really considering any of them. He was already becoming quite familiar with Bob, Katie was already his friend, and he wanted…oh he knew wanted…to be Luke Snyder’s boyfriend.
These thoughts floated through Reid’s brain as he and Katie watched Jacob toddle around the lobby of the Lakeview. “The Lakeview, Reid. Really? This is where you want to take us out to dinner. He you not seen Jacob at the dinner table?”
“He’ll be fine. Don’t underestimate him.” She tilted her head at him. “Okay, so it was a little too soon for chess. But just because he’s one, doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate a little fine food.” Looking towards the sound coming from the door, he saw a gaggle of Snyder’s entering the building. Oh boy.
Lily and Natalie strolled hand-in-hand, leading the group into the lobby. Close behind them was Holden and his mother, Emma. Ethan was tugging on Luke, trying to get him to continue their tickling game that Ethan had begun in the car. Pulling up the rear was Lucinda and a sulking Faith, doing her best “I’m a teenager, why do I have to do these family dinner things” impression.
It was Saturday night; Lily and Holden had arrived back from their trip late the previous night. Luke had stepped out of the bathroom, surprised to see them home already, wondering if they’d heard him in the shower. Having already been sure that his siblings were long asleep, he’d taken his time - and hadn’t even tried to keep himself from saying Reid’s name aloud. Anyway, here it was Saturday night, and the family was in a celebratory mood.
Luke was actually giggling at his little brother when Reid saw him - every wrong thing that had happened that day, from the cafeteria running out of the tomato soup to the nurse who had given him the wrong chart (twice), was instantly forgotten. It was all swallowed up by the ray of sunshine that was Luke. The corners of Reid’s mouth lifted and his eyes definitely smiled. Luke looked up and Reid opened his mouth and just breathed.
Luke smiled; not his big, light-up-a-room smile, but his smaller, more intimate smile. He ducked his head just slightly, biting his bottom lip. Reid could see Luke’s chest rising and falling rapidly - in his blue oxford.
“Lily! Holden! You’re back. How was your trip?” Katie said.
“It was good.” Holden smiled at Lily. “Very good. And it’s good to be home.”
Reid watched as Luke politely turned towards the rest of the group again. He continued to look at Luke, and eventually was rewarded with a blush and a quick glance. Just then the maitre de came over to tell Lily that their table was ready. “Oh, but Katie was here before us.” Lily offered.
“That’s okay, you guys. We don’t have a reservation. This was sort of a spur of the moment thing. She told us it would only be a few more minutes before a small table opened up.”
Holden couldn’t help but notice that his son was captivated by Reid’s presence - again; this is becoming a pattern. “Why don’t you three join us? There’s plenty of room, and we’d love the company.” He smiled knowingly at Katie, tilting his head towards Reid and Luke, who were sort of oblivious to the whole conversation.
“Thanks Holden, we’d love to join you.” Katie said. “Wouldn’t we, Reid?” Reid was staring and smiling at Luke. “Reid.” She poked him gently with her elbow.
“Hmm?” He looked up at her. He looked at her questioningly.
“We’d love to join Holden and Lily for dinner, wouldn’t we?” It slowly dawned on him what that meant, and he turned to Luke and then back to Katie, and nodded his head. “Okay, it’s settled then. Only remember, when Jacob gets wiggly, you’re on kid-duty.” And she then winked at Luke.
next part/
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Katie, Casey, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Disclaimers: I don’t own any of them, zilch, nada…
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
It’s now October 2010. Luke is 22, Ethan is 6.
Thank you Slayerkitty, my terrific beta!
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/
Chapter 14
Luke spent the next week trying to remember who he was.
Things with Reid were moving too fast, or not fast enough - he wasn’t sure which. Sunday night, before Reid had gone home, they’d eaten dinner together. A day that had begun with Noah and shame, and had continued with drinking (more shame), and had moved on to desire (and, of course, shame), had ended with tenderness and quiet. Just he and Reid sharing soup and crackers and a stillness like dusk. The end of the day had come, for better or for worse. You could judge it all you like; it didn’t change the fact that the day had ended, not needing your permission to do so.
When Reid had left that evening, he had laid a gentle hand on Luke’s cheek and kissed him softly. Luke had slept soundly - in the guest room. Noah’s hateful and judgmental presence seemed to linger in Luke’s room, so he stayed away from it for now. Luke seemed to intuitively know that he needed to be kind to himself right now; so yes, he stayed away.
Luke needed - for his very survival, he realized - to remember who he was. He needed to find Luke again. Not Luke of ‘Luke and Noah’; and not Luke who was fast falling for Reid Oliver; but just Luke.
Luke was a social person; he needed to be with others, at least part of the time, to keep himself sane, healthy, and happy. He had lunch with Casey, he got together to chat with both his grandmothers, and after a couple of days his siblings were back at the farm, and he spent lots of time with them in the evenings. He stayed away from the hospital, and Reid; he missed him, God he missed him. But he knew that if he saw him they’d find themselves acting out at least a few of the things that Luke had been fantasizing about. And he just couldn’t go there yet. He was very afraid of losing himself in Reid, the way he’d lost himself in Noah.
Once, as he was having coffee with Lucinda at Java however, Reid came in, apparently on his way to the hospital. Reid had stood at the counter, waiting for his order, and he’d unabashedly looked at Luke. They’d held each other’s gaze for a good 30 seconds - Reid’s not faltering even as the attendant handed him his food - until Lucinda had looked over her shoulder to follow Luke’s eyes. With that one look - with those 30 seconds of Luke’s day - Reid had wordlessly changed his world, again. Reid’s eyes, his small smile, held no judgment; somehow, when Reid looked upon him, Luke knew he was okay, he knew that he didn’t need to be anyone other than himself, Luke Snyder.
Luke spent time with his horses, enjoying - and learning from - the simple relationship he shared with them. Animals were so much easier than people. With animals you knew exactly where you stood. They didn’t pretend, and they didn’t expect you to pretend either. If you just listened to them, you’d know if they wanted to be touched, or if they wanted their space. When they were hungry you fed them; if they needed to run, you let them run. And when they were tired, they went to sleep; they were so easy to figure out.
He Googled his foundation - the Luke Snyder Foundation -he Googled his own foundation; he’d set it up and then somehow, like so many of his dreams and passions, it had gotten lost in the story of ‘following Noah’s dreams’. He called Lucinda again to see if maybe they could talk about some ideas he had for some grants to hospitals.
And one day - Thursday, maybe - Luke cautiously, but excitedly entered the bookstore. His eyes and his hands trailed across the covers and spines of the various journals, taking in the colors and textures, seeing which one called out most strongly to him. He almost walked out without one; he hadn’t written in a long time, and he knew what writing could bring out in him - everything. Writing uncovered his mind, heart, and soul - and that, as anyone who’s ever given it much thought knows, is a scary thing. But, he decided that he was done pretending; he was done living someone else’s life. He was Luke Snyder, and he wanted - scary or not - to live his life; to think his thoughts, feel his emotions, and dream his dreams. So, he picked one out and carried it home.
Reid Oliver spent that same week being confused about who he was.
For the first time in his life, Reid was having visions - yes, that’s what they were - of being someone’s boyfriend. Oh, he’d had dates and lots of hot sex; he’d had friends…sort of, although this thing with Katie, well, that was something else; he’d even go so far as to say he’d had a relationship or two - you know, dates, and friendship, and great sex with one particular guy for an extended period of time. But, underneath all that, at his core, he was Reid Oliver.
He’d never had too much trouble seeing himself as an individual beyond his career. Yes, he was more than just Reid Oliver, the world-class neurosurgeon. He was Reid Oliver, a man. But an individual; never - ever - did he define himself as somebody’s anything. He supposed that as a child he probably did define himself partially as the son of his parents, and later as Uncle Angus’s nephew…maybe…but after that, no. He was Reid Oliver - belonging to no one. So he was shocked, and worried, that he might even contemplate calling himself Luke Snyder’s boyfriend. Not that he was Luke’s boyfriend. No, that’s not what he was saying. But just the thought that he’d caught himself wishing that he was - well, anyone’s boyfriend, really - well, that kinda freaked him out; and it definitely confused him.
So, as pleasant as it was to think about Luke - and it was, and he did - it was much safer to spend his energy in his work. So he worked, and he enjoyed his work; he enjoyed his professional relationship with Bob; he began to see that behind the small-town hospital façade was an institution that was well run and staffed by mostly professionals who really cared. Perhaps not on top of every bit of the latest research, but each patient really knew that they weren’t a number in anyone’s book.
Try as he might, however - not that he tried too hard - thoughts of Luke were never far from his mind. He remembered the look in his eyes as he spoke about the joy he found in writing; he remembered the feeling of his hands in Luke’s hair as he slept on the couch beside him; he remembered - oh he remembered, all right - the sound of Luke’s voice when he was aroused; he woke - after dreaming of that voice - hard in his bed, and taking his dick in his hand, was shocked by the intense orgasm that had him quickly spilling over his hand.
Unfortunately, there was another voice that he remembered even more clearly: Luke’s voice, filled with shame, as he spoke about his drinking. And he remembered Luke’s shame-filled eyes after their encounter on the couch, as he kept saying the words ‘Noah was right, Noah was right.’ He remembered feeling so angry towards Noah, whom he hardly knew; but he knew enough, just by hearing how Luke said Noah’s name. Reid smiled remembering being able to witness some of that shame leave Luke’s face as they’d spent the evening quietly together; actually, he felt honored - that Luke would let him in so far, to such a vulnerable place, to be able to look right into Luke’s heart. No one had ever let him in that far before.
He wondered how Luke had been doing this week, but he didn’t call him. Luke hadn’t called either. Perhaps if he needed sometime to process this whirlwind of a week, then Luke did too. Still, he wished he knew how Luke was; wished he knew that Luke wasn’t alone, felling like the bottle was his only friend. But no, he had Casey, and his family; Luke would be okay. He’d had a particularly hard day - one that Luke had never told Reid the details of - but that didn’t mean that every day tempted Luke to drink, or that Luke wasn’t strong enough to fight it most of the time. We all had days where we just couldn’t deal, and off the wagon (whatever our wagon may be) we’d fall; Luke wasn’t alone there. He wondered if Luke knew that, or if Noah had thoroughly convinced Luke that he was alone in his weaknesses.
There was that moment, just yesterday, when he’d wandered into Java on his way to work, and at that corner table - where he’d first seen Luke with Casey - was Luke again. He was with an older woman Reid remembered from the wedding, perhaps his grandmother. Luke had seen him immediately, and they’d held each other’s gaze for a good long time - only it wasn’t long enough. Luke looked beautiful…gorgeous…edible…but most importantly, he looked okay. He looked okay, and Reid was surprised by how much that meant to him; how much he’d needed to know that Luke was okay. Eventually, the woman with Luke turned and looked at him as well. Luke had lowered his gaze, with a blush that went straight to Reid’s heart. He heard her speak quietly to Luke, who looked up and flashed him a brief smile before turning to answer her. Reid smiled to himself, happier than he could imagine feeling after such a brief encounter, and continued on his way to the hospital.
By the end of the week, Luke was feeling much stronger and happier. He’d done a little bit of writing each of the last couple of days; he’d actually gotten into a little routine, doing small bits at a time, feeling it out, stretching his writer’s muscles again. And between that and time spent with his horses, his siblings, and taking long walks, enjoying some cooking, he was feeling pretty good. He was feeling a lot better than he’d felt in a long time; it was like he was on a retreat - not a retreat from the world, but a retreat from the life he’d been pretending to enjoy. It had been so long since he’d even asked himself the question, ‘Luke, what do you want?’ He was rediscovering the answer, at least the simple answers: he wanted to take care of himself; he wanted to spend time with the people he cared about; he wanted to write; he wanted to laugh and smile. He wanted to be happy.
And as he allowed himself to take that question with him into the bedroom (still the guest room) at night, he was discovering interesting answers. He wanted Reid, yes he did. But more than that, he wanted to enjoy sex. Of course he did! Who didn’t? Well, Noah didn’t, he realized. He’d been in a three-year relationship with a man who almost hated the fact that he enjoyed sex; and Noah’s neuroses, Luke was now realizing, had been passed on to him.
Luke had long wondered why it had taken them so long to first have sex; but thinking about it now, it was starting to make sense. Noah was always most comfortable with their relationship when it was all about romance and cuddling and friendship; not that there was anything wrong with those things, and they certainly belonged in a relationship. But whenever they crossed the line into sex, where Luke had always imagined he’d feel most close to him, Noah would retreat. It’s like a part of him would shut down, or close down, keeping Luke out. Luke thought now, that Noah was keeping himself out as well.
He supposed that, honestly, it wasn’t always like that. There were times, when they’d been feeling particularly close - like on their anniversary, or after a really nice night out together - when Noah’s guard would be down and he’d let Luke make love to him without hiding. Even during those times, however, afterward, Noah’s face would slowly darken with shame, or he’d get up quickly to shower, or he’d turn away and go right to sleep. Luke rarely saw Noah enjoy his own sexual desire, and Noah had a particularly difficult time with Luke’s enjoyment of it.
Luke knew he was a very vocal person - in and out of bed; most of the time, Luke kept himself pretty quiet, because he knew it upset Noah, but sometimes he couldn’t control it and he would moan or chant Noah’s name, or tell Noah what he wanted. Noah would react almost instantly; sometimes he’d turn away and say he was tired; sometimes he’d tell Luke that he shouldn’t say things like that because it made him sound like a whore; and sometimes, it would turn Noah on so much that he would take Luke roughly. Luke really liked that, but then he hated it because of the looks Noah would later give him - looks that said he plainly though Luke was a whore. Noah would later be all sweet, feeling guilty for having made Luke feel so bad, when it was obviously - he would be too ashamed to admit - something he also wanted. But still, underneath it all was an unspoken agreement that if Luke would simply not voice such things, then neither of them would go down that unwholesome, unsavory path.
Luke realized now, that he was tired of living like that; he was tired of feeling ashamed of his own feelings. He’d felt ashamed of his feelings before he’d come out; then when he and Noah were first together, he had finally been able to embrace what his heart wanted. But he hadn’t realized, until now, that with Noah he’d embraced a new shame, not so much of his heart’s desires but his body’s. But how do you separate your heart from your body?
He remembered what happened with Reid on the couch on Sunday - drinking or not, his memory was clear on this. Noah would certainly say he’d thrown himself at Reid. Noah would also say that Reid had taken advantage of him because he’d been drinking. Noah would say a lot of things that Luke didn’t want to think about right now. But what had actually happened?
Reid had kissed him; he had lain down on top of Reid. They’d held each other and come. God, Luke was getting hard again just thinking about it. But it was more than that. There was so much tenderness in Reid’s kisses and in the way he’d said Luke’s name; and for Luke, it wasn’t just about reaching his climax - he’d felt like he needed to be as close as possible to Reid. And he’d felt safe there. Safe enough to say the words he’d said. Was it just the alcohol that had loosened his lips, or was there something about Reid that allowed Luke to let out those words - words he’d hardly ever let escape his lips with Noah. Words like fuck. Reid hadn’t pulled back when he’d uttered that word, he’d pulled Luke closer; Luke blushed remembering…he’d unbuttoned my pants, oh Jesus…he closed his eyes, and allowed his hand now to caress himself. Later, Luke, later, he thought, removing his hand. He wanted to understand this. Reid hadn’t flinched when Luke had said it, or when he had moaned. Even afterward, there’d been no shame on Reid’s face. Even as I was falling apart, feeling angry and embarrassed, Reid didn’t seem to be.
Being alone at the farm every day gave Luke plenty of time and space to think about all this; he wrote about it - everything from his feelings and experiences with Noah, to (he blushed) stories of what he imagined sex could really be like; he talked out loud to himself about it - a very good thing that he was alone at the farm; he masturbated a lot. This was new. Masturbation - his most consistently reliable sexual outlet for the last three years - was certainly not new; what was new was doing it without guilt. He’d always wanted sex so much more often than Noah; reason told him (and Noah would have also told him, had he any clue how often Luke jerked off), that there must be something wrong with him. So when he wasn’t feeling guilty he was at least feeling embarrassed. Not anymore. He tried most of the rooms, many surfaces…and lots of fantasies. By the end of the week, his wrist and his dick were pretty tired, but Luke was feeling a lot better.
By the end of the week, Reid was feeling…well, Reid was feeling even more confused. Not only had he been entertaining thoughts of being someone’s boyfriend, but he was noticing all sorts of signs of becoming willingly attached to this town. He’d had lunch with Bob…lunch with his temporary Chief of Staff; and they’d talked - Reid realized he’d almost let slip that he’d love the opportunity to move permanently to this backwoods town and take up the position Bob was offering him. Bob mentioned something about there maybe being other, more personal, reasons to stay in Oakdale; he said something about he and a certain Snyder not having been exactly subtle at the wedding. Reid left that lunch feeling just a little too accurately scrutinized.
Reid had taken Jacob for walks - as a favor to Katie, when her babysitter left her hanging; and then later, after trying to teach the kid chess (God, Reid, he could choke on those!) Katie had caught him singing the kid to sleep. He found himself talking to Katie - like, really talking, you know, about feelings and stuff. He’d told her about some of his patients he’d lost; about losing his own parents when he was just a kid; about his difficult relationship with his uncle.
Reid didn’t do attached, that’s why he didn’t stay put, or if he did, it was in a big city where you could stay anonymous for years and years. That’s why he didn’t do friends, with one exception, and he didn’t become too acquainted with colleagues, and he didn’t have boyfriends. But here he was considering all of these things. Heck, he wasn’t really considering any of them. He was already becoming quite familiar with Bob, Katie was already his friend, and he wanted…oh he knew wanted…to be Luke Snyder’s boyfriend.
These thoughts floated through Reid’s brain as he and Katie watched Jacob toddle around the lobby of the Lakeview. “The Lakeview, Reid. Really? This is where you want to take us out to dinner. He you not seen Jacob at the dinner table?”
“He’ll be fine. Don’t underestimate him.” She tilted her head at him. “Okay, so it was a little too soon for chess. But just because he’s one, doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate a little fine food.” Looking towards the sound coming from the door, he saw a gaggle of Snyder’s entering the building. Oh boy.
Lily and Natalie strolled hand-in-hand, leading the group into the lobby. Close behind them was Holden and his mother, Emma. Ethan was tugging on Luke, trying to get him to continue their tickling game that Ethan had begun in the car. Pulling up the rear was Lucinda and a sulking Faith, doing her best “I’m a teenager, why do I have to do these family dinner things” impression.
It was Saturday night; Lily and Holden had arrived back from their trip late the previous night. Luke had stepped out of the bathroom, surprised to see them home already, wondering if they’d heard him in the shower. Having already been sure that his siblings were long asleep, he’d taken his time - and hadn’t even tried to keep himself from saying Reid’s name aloud. Anyway, here it was Saturday night, and the family was in a celebratory mood.
Luke was actually giggling at his little brother when Reid saw him - every wrong thing that had happened that day, from the cafeteria running out of the tomato soup to the nurse who had given him the wrong chart (twice), was instantly forgotten. It was all swallowed up by the ray of sunshine that was Luke. The corners of Reid’s mouth lifted and his eyes definitely smiled. Luke looked up and Reid opened his mouth and just breathed.
Luke smiled; not his big, light-up-a-room smile, but his smaller, more intimate smile. He ducked his head just slightly, biting his bottom lip. Reid could see Luke’s chest rising and falling rapidly - in his blue oxford.
“Lily! Holden! You’re back. How was your trip?” Katie said.
“It was good.” Holden smiled at Lily. “Very good. And it’s good to be home.”
Reid watched as Luke politely turned towards the rest of the group again. He continued to look at Luke, and eventually was rewarded with a blush and a quick glance. Just then the maitre de came over to tell Lily that their table was ready. “Oh, but Katie was here before us.” Lily offered.
“That’s okay, you guys. We don’t have a reservation. This was sort of a spur of the moment thing. She told us it would only be a few more minutes before a small table opened up.”
Holden couldn’t help but notice that his son was captivated by Reid’s presence - again; this is becoming a pattern. “Why don’t you three join us? There’s plenty of room, and we’d love the company.” He smiled knowingly at Katie, tilting his head towards Reid and Luke, who were sort of oblivious to the whole conversation.
“Thanks Holden, we’d love to join you.” Katie said. “Wouldn’t we, Reid?” Reid was staring and smiling at Luke. “Reid.” She poked him gently with her elbow.
“Hmm?” He looked up at her. He looked at her questioningly.
“We’d love to join Holden and Lily for dinner, wouldn’t we?” It slowly dawned on him what that meant, and he turned to Luke and then back to Katie, and nodded his head. “Okay, it’s settled then. Only remember, when Jacob gets wiggly, you’re on kid-duty.” And she then winked at Luke.
next part/