It's Not Me (34/?) Scott/Logan Part 2
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Word Count: 4457
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33 (Part 1) | Chapter 33 (Part 2) | Chapter 34 (Part 1)
Scott rushed into the elevator, finding relief in the doors closing him inside after his confrontation with Emma. Discovering he was alone, he walked into the far side of the elevator away from the console, leaning back and dropping his head against the wall to collect his thoughts. He closed his eyes, trying to still his breath as the confrontation played out in his mind all over again. While he hadn't planned on being unnecessarily cruel to Emma, there was always something about her that got under his skin in ways he wasn't comfortable with. In seeing her today, he hadn't anticipated being blindsided by her arrival, yet when she was before him he knew that there was no avoiding the feeling that lingered inside of him over it. Yes, she'd been a part of the worst moments in his past, a reminder of the madness that Victor and the others had put him through, but he hadn't ever felt threatened by it. On some level he understood Emma, sensed what she'd been about-almost pitied her at times after she'd taken a far different path in life, yet they'd been able to forge a bond with one another when Jean had stripped him of his identity. She was one of the few people who reached out to him when he was lost, offering him something he was certain he wouldn't be able to find anywhere else. She'd been cruel at times, yet honest with him-forcing him to deal with the demons that haunted him.
"You need to let go," she had coached him into the step towards moving on, but Scott had known it was an impossibility. He'd been embarrassed by the changes, fearing what the others would think of him, yet he couldn't let go completely. He hadn't been able to move on, to walk away from his old life when his heart still belonged with Logan. Emma had sensed that early on-had even suggested that he appeal to Logan, but he'd been terrified. He'd feared what Logan would think in seeing Scott in a position of complete helplessness. He hadn't been the man that Logan had loved for so very long, yet Scott had wanted to be. Emma had promised him that together they could find a cure-a way to fix Scott, but it was futile. Nothing worked and Scott realized near the beginning of his association with Emma that it was hopeless. He would've given up on her efforts much sooner, but her telepathic powers were something Scott was drawn to. He couldn't turn away from it in knowing that it was something he'd used to keep him in touch with Logan's life, to learn what was happening in small detail with the man he loved, but now it felt as if those months were a mistake. Scott hiding hadn't helped anything-hadn't brought him any closer to peace nor had it given him and Logan what they'd needed.
"I was an idiot," Scott heard a voice inside of his head reminding him of all the time he'd wasted with Logan. Remembering how Logan had found him again by accident in Ohio was a blessing in disguise. Had Logan not encountered Scott, then Scott might've been spending the rest of his life miserable-waiting for things to turn around, but now with the ring on his finger, Scott found himself in a new place of contentment for the first time in a long time. He was happy-truly happy despite awful circumstances surrounding the lack of control in his thoughts.
"You're still attracted to her, aren't you?" Jean's voice questioned much as it had in the past, entering his mind, pulling him from the moment he'd been experiencing in thinking about Logan. He opened his eyes, feeling a chill in the air that surrounded him. Tipping his head up, he focused on the numbers over the elevator door indicating the floor he was on. "Aren't you?"
"You aren't here," Scott challenged feeling his body tense up at her presence surrounding him, "I'm not really hearing you. Even if you're out there, this isn't happening."
"Of course I'm here Scott," she frowned at him, her voice moving around in the elevator closer to him. "I'm always here."
"Then stop hiding and show yourself," Scott demanded listening to the sound of her voice carrying over the tiny elevator. "If you're still out there Jean, then come home. Come back to us so we can help you."
"Help me?" she repeated with a small laugh, "You want to help me? First you want to forget me and now…"
"You need help Jean," Scott took in a long, slow breath.
"No, you need help Scott. You're the one that's going crazy," Jean taunted him with a rush of sharp laughter, "you're the one that's been giving in to madness in destroying everything and having impossible visions, not me."
"Fine then, if I'm crazy, then I have to accept that you aren't here," Scott pinched his eyes closed tightly, refusing to give in to his hallucinations again. He clenched the bar behind him on the elevator wall and took in a breath, "If this is all in my head, then I'll will you away. I'll banish you from inside of me."
"Banish me? Do you really believe it would be that easy to get rid of me Scott? To will me away?" Jean snapped bitterly, her words hitting him in a loud, thunderous rush, "Open your eyes Scott."
"No," Scott replied sourly knowing only too well he wasn't ready to face a repeat of what had happened at the pub the other day, "not happening."
"Open them," Scott felt a distinct slap of wind across his cheek, hard and biting before his eyes felt tight, wrenching open despite his protests. The overhead light flickered leaving Scott surrounded by darkness. He reached out to the wall behind him again preparing to say something more to make the hallucination go away when he felt the warmth of something brush up against his fingertips, teasing over his uneasy skin.
"You've always had a thing for her because she appealed to that dark side when I wasn't able to," Jean continued to mouth with heavy distain, "You've always been tempted by her."
"No, I haven't," Scott cleared his throat and he stood up taller, realizing that if he was truly losing his mind, then he was going to have to double his efforts in fighting for his sanity. Fear settled in the pit of his stomach in knowing how far his previous incarnations of Jean had driven him to madness, yet with the hope of controlling it guiding him on, he tried to stay focused. Tipping his head to the side, he saw an iridescent glow beside him, transparent and rose colored, yet when he felt the warmth spill over his hand, guiding over his wrist it began to manifest bringing to life Jean's wounded features before him.
"Yes, you have," Jean's voice softened, her lip curling in disappointment as she stood before him, "You've always had a soft spot for her."
"I was never tempted by Emma when I was with you not even after," Scott argued with what he was certain was a phantom in his imagination. "She wasn't at all what I wanted Jean. You know that."
"You claimed to love me Scott, but I know you strayed," Jean mouthed sourly, "I knew it was a matter of time given that temptation was always waiting around the corner…"
"You aren't real," Scott repeated tensing up when her fingers curled around his wrist, "Even if you're still out there, you can't be…"
"I always thought if anyone could make you succumb to temptation it would be her," Jean let out an ironic laugh, her left hand reaching out through the darkness to touch the side of Scott's face. "Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate that Logan would be our downfall. I didn't believe in all of his attempts to seduce me that he was only working his way into our bed to take you from me."
"Logan wasn't our downfall," Scott stiffened against her embrace. He felt a tightness in his chest, an uneasiness in his stomach when her fingers traveled lazily into his dark hair, "Neither was Emma. We were our own downfall."
"I don't believe that," she shook her head in refusal, "Scott, what we had was so strong. Even knowing what I did about when you disappeared, I never anticipated it being him. I just thought that you'd move beyond what happened. That it was something that you'd pushed out of your system and it wouldn't touch us again…"
"I'm sorry that I deceived you. If I had known…" Scott's words tapered off.
"You knew. You just didn't want to hold onto it. You asked Charles to help you forget," she caressed his skin, her words laced with sadness, "You wanted that part of your life to go away in order to make room for what we had. We were happy Scott. We started over fresh with one another."
"We had good times together," he conceded with a small sigh, "You were my best friend for so long Jean."
"I thought you loved me Scott," Jean's gaze dipped down to his mouth, her eyes darkening in the moment, "That we meant something to each other."
"We did mean something to each other," Scott's voice trembled, cracking with emotion, "We used to mean everything to one another Jean at a time when we needed each other. When we were lost we had a purpose in being together."
"We still need each other Scott," her thumbs brushed over the hollow of his cheekbones, "more and more each day."
"Then let me help you," Scott pleaded with her, "if you're still out there, come back to me."
"Because you want us to be together again?" she questioned with a hopefulness behind her dark eyes, "Because you want to love me again?"
"I'll always love you Jean," Scott promised somberly knowing there was no denying the truth in his heart, "but I'm in love with Logan."
"You were in love with me once. I was the world to you Scott. I can be the world to you again," she coaxed her fingers through his hair, "We can go back to what we once were with one another. We can be a family and…"
"No," he closed his eyes, feeling the weight of guilt overtake him, "Jean, I care about you so very much, but what we had is gone. This isn't real. You aren't here. We aren't…"
"We could be," Jean's voice echoed in his mind, chilling him to the bone, "We could return to what we once were Scott. We can erase Logan again so that we could be better than before."
"No," he replied somberly feeling her lips against the side of his neck in a tender press, creating a warmth over his skin, "we can't. We weren't meant to be."
"Yes we were. I have proof of that Scott," Jean's hurt echoed in his mind, drawing out memories he'd buried deep inside of him. In an instant he was presented with their first kiss, to the first time he told her he loved her moving forward through all the beautiful moments they'd shared as younger, less jaded versions of themselves in love. Unlike the other times she'd taunted him, she was trying to force his mind to recall the good times they shared-to feel the joys that once surrounded their lives, "We were so good together Scott."
"We were," he agreed with a lump forming in the back of his throat, his body overtaken by the emotion he was feeling in the moment. Despite her hold on him, his thoughts shifted returning to the few weeks he'd been away from the school, to a time his subconscious had kept from him until recently where he was surrounded by Logan, "but as with all good things at that age, we weren't meant to last. I loved you with all that I was Jean. I wanted to share my life with you, but we changed. I changed. You deserved more. I wasn't the man you needed. So many times I wished I could be, but I was far from it. You deserved real love from someone who could've given you the world-from someone who wasn't living a lie and hurting you by facilitating it along the way."
"Our love wasn't a lie Scott," she argued with him, "You of all people know how real what we felt for one another was."
"I didn't say it wasn't real Jean, but at the end, we both wanted different things. We were both ready to move on," Scott sighed heavily, "Deep down we knew it was time, but we were just delaying the inevitable in pretending that things were still the same."
"It wasn't pretend Scott. Yes, we made mistakes, but it was real. Everything we shared was so real…" she whispered, her breath pressing in against his skin.
"It was time to move on. I only wish I hadn't been such a coward in admitting to that. I'm sorry," Scott lowered his head somberly, "You deserved better."
"I don't care what I deserved. I want you," Jean half pleaded, her words reaching down deep into his chest, "Haven't I shown you that by the gifts I've given you Scott?"
"Jean," he whispered her name feeling himself on the brink of sanity when he opened his eyes again to see her still before him, a tear falling down her cheek. She stepped forward coaxing him to wrap her up in his arms.
"I've given you a second chance-given you the means of bringing this all together for us. I saved you Scott. I took you away from the life that they forced upon us. I gave you freedom to begin again without worrying about keeping a tight reign on control," Jean continued in an impassioned tone. "Together we can break away. We can reclaim what's ours. We can take back what they stole from us…"
"No," Scott shook his head firmly, unable to lose himself to his delusions a second longer, "Jean, I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't let you haunt my mind no matter how much I hate how I hurt you. I know it was wrong and maybe you'll never be able to forgive me, but I am truly sorry."
"I know you are," she reached for him again, "I know that you wouldn't have done those things unless you were pushed into it. Even if you thought you felt something for Logan…"
"I love Logan," Scott explained unwilling to keep lying to her even if she was merely a ghost embedded in his twisted subconscious, "Maybe a part of me always did. Jean, I'm so sorry…"
"Not as sorry as you're going to be," her voice shifted, darkening when her eyes turned black. Her skin began to glow, rippling with bubbles when Scott felt a sudden heat surround him. It vibrated over his body, penetrating his brain and caused him to drop down to the ground clenching his head tightly. He could hear the click of footsteps on the floor of the elevator, making time stand still when a hot press of a hand dropped down onto his shoulder. Nails curled down into his body, biting into his flesh when a loud screeching wail surrounded him.
"If you think that her death opened the door to you and Logan living happily ever after, you're wrong," her voice was a seething hiss, wild and furious when her fingers continued to twist into his flesh, bringing with it a throbbing, burning impulse. "She doesn't want that. I won't allow it and now it's time to pay."
"Phoenix," Scott breathed heavily, feeling a twisting pull upon his chest, squeezing him tighter, harder with each passing second until he found it difficult to breathe. He flopped down onto the floor, struggling to gain control of his senses when a bright light surrounded him.
"I'm tired of you not listening to me Scott. Time and time again I've tried to get you to come to me willingly, but your stubborn refusal is only causing torment in your life. It could've been so much easier if you'd stop fighting me, but given that you're trying to cling to a life that no longer welcomes you, you've made this increasingly difficult for me. Now it's time to take what's mine one way or the other," her voice haunted him, cutting him to the core when a loud, explosive, screeching sound shot out from overhead beyond the elevator. For a minute Scott thought that it was crashing, that the world was coming to pieces around him, but in the blink of an eye he was standing at the back of the elevator watching the doors open to reveal the lobby before him. With a racing pulse and his heart pounding in his chest, Scott couldn't ignore the layer of sweat that caused his shirt to stick to his body like a second skin. He couldn't discard the lingering fear that had consumed him. For a moment he'd believed the threat was real-that Phoenix was with him as she'd been back at the pub, but almost as soon as the delusion had haunted him, it faded, giving way to the reality he'd surrounded himself with. Still with a warmth carrying over him, a pain radiating in his shoulder, he wondered how far his subconscious was allowing him to sink.
"Scott," one of the receptionists from his office greeted him with an uneasy expression. She took a tentative step forward into the elevator, "going up?"
"Actually I was just leaving," Scott explained realizing he'd dropped his envelope in the midst of his hallucination. He bent down to pick it up, preparing to collect his things and leave when the smaller, rounded woman before him gasped.
"Scott you're bleeding," the woman pointed over at his shoulder, "You look like you cut yourself…"
"What?" he stood upright, taking notice of the traces of blood on his shirt. He turned to look at his reflection in the mirror on the wall behind him in the elevator. While he was certain the wound had already begun to heal itself, the blood was a sign-proof that there was more to his hallucination he'd experienced. In the past his marks had faded, but this time his shirt carried the unmistakable proof that he hadn't inflicted the pain upon himself. It was something to work with, he realized when he moved his hand up to the side of his neck discovering the smeared stain of lipstick against his flesh. Suddenly everything started to become clearer for him. Someone else was there with him, taunting him.
"Are you alright?" the receptionist moved forward, attempting to see the source of his injury.
"I'm fine," Scott promised bringing his hand up over his shoulder to cover the blood, "It's nothing."
"It doesn't look like nothing," she pried further.
"I was just on my way out," Scott answered evasively in an attempt to carefully make his way out of the elevator. Keeping his hand over his shoulder, he offered up a few quick pleasantries before rushing out into the lobby knowing that whatever just happened couldn't have been good. Although he had plenty of questions, right now he wanted to return home to Logan-to tell him about what was happening now that his hallucinations had become external, stepping outside of his mind so that they could both figure it out together. Only then could he make sense of it. That much he was certain of.
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