It's Not Me (6/?) Scott/Logan
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: NC-17.
Word Count: 6085
Summary: Sequel to Starting Over. Coming home again is never easy especially when changes and secrets are all around you. Scott and Logan deal with their beginnings and an uncertain future when an old threat
"I know it's been a while since we've been able to have a real conversation with one another Scott," Charles sighed motioning for Scott to take a seat across from the desk in his office. "I do apologize for that given that I realize we both have a great many questions for one another."
"I won't argue that point," Scott noted with a simple shake of his head. His eyes surveyed the office, remembering only too well the great many hours he'd spent in this very room seeking out council from Charles in the past. Their bond had been strengthened by their ability to be candid and honest with one another. They'd been able to embrace their ideals, their thoughts about the future with one another during a time when everyone else had created chaos for the team, but now it seemed as if the battle was much closer to home buried within the secrets the walls of the school still held over them.
"Where shall we start?" Charles inquired, his blue eyes finding their way to Scott again with a moment of intense scrutiny and curiosity. "Perhaps we should go back to what was happening when I discovered you outside of the door to your old room."
"I'd rather not talk about that right now," Scott stiffened at the mention of the madness that had prompted him to return to his past. Even now he could still feel the hold Jean had on him from back before Logan's arrival, could recall a time when he'd believed they would live happily ever after, but Scott knew it was only an illusion, an idealistic notion that had become far from the truth for them. He'd fought like hell during their relationship to be perfect, to be the man that Jean had needed, but he'd blown it, sending their lives into an uproar when he found himself unable to ignore his feelings for Logan. Yes, they'd been muted for a very long time, but Scott had always felt them driving him forward, further away from Jean and his promises. His need had consumed him, taking him to a moment of compromise, turning away from all the ideals he'd vowed to live by when lust had overtaken him. That thought in itself brought him to feeling weighed down by guilt, feeling dirty and horrible over hurting Jean when he'd simply been following his heart, allowing it to lead him to where he'd truly longed to be.
"Scott?" Charles questioned, speaking his name and pulling him from the conflicting thoughts inside of his head.
"I don't regret the choices I've made," Scott blurted out catching Charles off guard with his cryptic tone.
"I wouldn't imagine you should," Charles tipped his head to the side and eyed Scott for a long, ponderous moment, "What would make you feel as if you should question the decisions you've made Scott? Did it have something to do with what was happening in being so close to Jean's memory?"
"I shouldn't have been over there," Scott sighed heavily, feeling as if the breath was escaping from his lungs in a desperate pinch. He brought one hand up through his hair before clearing his throat, "We shouldn't be having this conversation. I don't want to talk about Jean, not now."
"Alright," Charles nodded simply, "then perhaps we should return to what it is that you do want to discuss."
"Fine," Scott began stubbornly before sinking down into the chair as Charles had requested. "Why didn't you tell me about Logan?"
"What about Logan?" Charles asked curiously, his hands moving across his desk to reach for the mug of coffee he'd placed there earlier in the day. Raising it to his lips, he took a long sip before setting the mug down again, "Is this about his quest to seek out Victor Creed? I realize it's important to him and…"
"No," Scott shook his head adamantly, "this isn't about Victor. This is about Logan and the fact that you inadvertently lied to me about him. This is about what you should've told me a long time ago, but refused. Now that we both know there's no more hiding it, how about we start with the truth for a change?"
"We've always been truthful with one another Scott," Charles answered evasively, "and I'm certain whatever is bothering you is…"
"We haven't been telling one another the truth for a very long time," Scott moved forward, feeling a strong sensation of distrust pouring out over his body, soaking into his every synapse until finally Scott feared he may erupt in the moment. "Why didn't you say anything about Logan?"
"Scott I'm not following," Charles offered up apologetically, his lips curving downward in the beginnings of a scowl.
"Stop lying!" Scott snapped balling his fists up at his side in a moment of thunderous rage. "I want the truth damn it and I want it now!"
"Excuse me?" Charles blinked back at him, surprise registering behind his eyes.
"Logan," Scott repeated behind gritted teeth unable to mask his discomfort in the moment with Charles, "Why was it you failed to mention who he was to me when you sent Storm and I out to retrieve him and Rogue?"
"At the time I hadn't really thought much about anything aside from uncovering Magneto's plot and…" Charles began after an awkward silence built between them.
"No, I don't believe that," Scott shook his head stubbornly, his own uneasiness revealing itself in the moment, "there was a reason you purposely withheld the information about Logan's role in saving me."
"Scott I…" Charles frowned, a crease forming in his brow with the movement.
"Why didn't you tell me that I knew him from before? Why didn't you say that he was the one who rescued me?" Scott questioned aggressively, thinking about the issue that had been troubling him for quite some time.
Charles hesitated, clearing his throat for a moment before speaking up in a smooth, even tone, "I didn't think at the time it was relevant to the mission at hand."
"Not relevant?" Scott raised his voice with increasing agitation. "How could it not be relevant? The man saved my life! If it wasn't for him, then I might not even be alive right now. That should count for something, should it not?"
"Be that as it may, you were traumatized when you first came here Scott. We both know that the nightmares were consuming you, so…" Charles attempted to defend his actions now that Scott was confronting them.
"So what?" Scott questioned seeing Charles' arms shift uncomfortably on his chair.
"So I did what was necessary to help you get through the experience Scott. You know as well I as I do that your well being is important to me so in helping you…" Charles offered up with a long sigh, his words coming out in a tired, uneasy breath.
"Just like you helped Jean?" Scott questioned in an accusatory tone remembering only too well the disastrous results of Jean's instability. While Charles couldn't be blamed for what happened, it was a ticking time bomb that no one saw coming especially Scott after he'd fallen for Logan. Still feeling anger and resentment over all the things he'd lost Scott channeled his anger on the one man he'd always turned to for support and guidance, "Did you do to her what you did to me in trying to ease my mind? Was that really for our well being or because you wanted to control what could happen with us? What we could do to you or the world around us should we embrace that part of who we were?"
"Scott, that's not what I…" Charles frowned at Scott's words, his brow wrinkling at Scott's insinuation. "You needed help Scott. You were traumatized and…"
"It sure as hell didn't work for Jean, so why should I believe any of it worked for me?" Scott questioned throwing his hands up in the air. Unable to hold back on his frustration Scott continued to lash out at Charles furiously. "I don't understand why in all of what you did that you felt you had to keep Logan buried deep inside my subconscious. Was it so wrong to let me know that he was someone important in my life? Would it have really pushed me over the edge to see that he was the person who gave me a second chance at life again?"
"You made your own second chances Scott. What you endured is something that I won't pretend to understand. Given all you've suffered, I simply wanted to see you emerge from the situation in a new light, embracing your powers without fear or doubt…" Charles explained in a smooth, calm voice clearly making an attempt at reasoning with the irrational feelings inside of Scott.
"Doubt?" Scott repeated with a small laugh, "That's ironic because it feels like all these years that's all I've had poured into my head. I've been overtaken by guilt, consumed by things that were beyond my control, feeling as if I should've been different-that if I could only live by your ideals that life would suddenly be as it should be."
"You're a man with a great moral character and…" Charles explained hoping to reason with Scott in the moment of Scott's heightened emotions.
"But not strong enough to recognize a face from the past? I wasn't able to process that Logan was someone who saved me because my moral character couldn't keep it together if the truth revealed itself, right?" Scott folded his arms in front of his chest defiantly. "I wouldn't be able to allow one trigger inside because if that happened, what? Would it all come crashing down around me like it did with Jean?"
"Scott, that's not what I was trying to do with either one of you. You were both so lost and troubled in the beginning that we all felt it best to…" Charles sighed realizing there was no more avoiding their conversations.
"Withhold my connection to Logan because you felt I was weak?" Scott frowned down at him, testing out a hypothesis that had been lingering on his mind for quite some time. While Charles had always pushed Scott to believe in himself, there was an inner voice nagging at the back of his mind, telling Scott not to feel content in their discussion.
"He's lying to you," Scott could hear someone whispering into the back of his ear, "He can't be trusted."
Scott tried to shake the muted whispers, to ignore the voice, but it was there inside of him, pounding it's warning message into Scott's head. He let out a long breath struggling to find a way to argue with the thought that consumed him, but the more it pushed itself into his mind, the harder it became to focus.
"Charles had always thought you were inadequate…never like the rest of them. You were merely there to placate him, to run with as his trusty sidekick for a while until he no longer had any real use for you. He took pity on you because you weren't as great as the others. You couldn't perform at their level and they all knew it," the voice cajoled Scott into tuning Charles out in the moment.
"No," Scott mouthed under his breath realizing that couldn't be true. His thoughts had to be betraying him. Even in his rage Charles was someone he could count on, someone he could turn to for guidance and…
"He thinks you're pathetic, in need of being put down after he believed that you lost your mind. You were right to stay away because without your powers you would've been irrelevant to him, to all of them. They would have no need for you…," the voice continued to taunt, causing Scott's headache to return. He brought one hand up through his dark hair again and tried to focus on anything other than the sound of doubts that surrounded him. "If he had his way, he would've had you stay dead. He hoped that you would have allowed yourself to be truly destroyed before you could return to challenge him and his ideals."
Scott shook his head again, attempting to banish the lingering thoughts with a dull, pained breath. It was no use. They still surrounded him, consumed him, drawing him deep into their warped perception of the world when Scott raised his chin defiantly, his mouth curving into a tight, impossible scowl.
"You think I'm vulnerable, defenseless and even pathetic in my own way," Scott mouthed bitterly unable to hold back on the madness that consumed him any longer, "You've always felt that way about me."
"No, Scott, that's not at all what I'm…" Charles opened his mouth in protest while trying to comprehend what was Scott was saying to him.
"Isn't it? I mean really isn't this your way of saying that I couldn't handle the truth in knowing that Logan rescued me? That I wasn't strong enough to manage that information? Then again perhaps you feared what allowing this to come out would do for your plans to keep me subservient after all this time," Scott pointed to his head and let out an ironic laugh.
"That's not at all what you are to me Scott or to the team. We need you to help lead us and…" Charles began worriedly when Scott's nostrils began to flare with momentarily bitterness.
"Lead?" Scott couldn't help, but laugh, "Wow, so now you want me to play leader when just a short while ago you deemed me incapable of such a task."
"There were special circumstances Scott with your grieving and…" Charles replied without hesitation, "A choice needed to be made and…"
"You made the wrong one, but then again it really shouldn't surprise me now that I know what you truly think of me," Scott snarled, his fingers digging into his palms in a moment of anger. "It's funny how your opinion of me really hasn't changed through the years. I always thought that you believed in me, that you believed that one day I would be a great leader-someone you took under your wing to mentor. You made it sound so wonderful, so filled with purpose and meaning. You lead me to believe that in our fight we'd be able to somehow make peace with the others out there who judged us, who couldn't understand what we were. You made me want to believe that one day we'd all find a way to coexist in a world where we could all be on the same playing field, but that was all lies."
"No, it wasn't Scott. You and I both know that peace can be an option when we work together. Together we're stronger, the better men who can change the world. We can still show them that…" Charles opened his mouth in protest, attempting to reach out into Scott's thoughts in the moment. Scott felt the attempt at invasion and he snarled.
"No!," Scott snapped back at him, "You don't mean that. You don't believe that especially not with me. Now I realize that you never saw me as a part of that world. You felt I needed to have my hand held, to have the truth about my troubles buried deep in my subconscious so I wouldn't crumble to pieces right before your eyes and compromise your path. You wanted to maintain control, to keep me on a leash for your own agenda by first erasing my past. Then when Jean died you all thought I was weak, that I couldn't control myself…"
"Scott, that's not at all what we thought about you. I don't know where you're getting these notions, but they couldn't be further from the truth where I'm concerned. We all knew you were suffering, in great agony," Charles sighed.
"So much so that no one took the time to see what was really happening right before their very eyes," Scott couldn't help, but roll his eyes from behind his glasses. "No one sought out the source of my torment. They just assumed that I was lost."
"You were never lost. Perhaps misguided in the moment, but that never changed the fact that you're a very gifted young man. You always have been. You've been one of my best students through years…the closest thing I've had to a son in my life," Charles interrupted with a shake of his head refusing to give into Scott's outburst with his own emotional uproar.
"If you truly believed in me…if you felt that that was really how things have been, then why not allow me the luxury of the truth?" Scott questioned with a wounded expression on his face.
"I did what I did to protect you, to keep you safe from the demons Stryker had pushed into your mind and I would do it again in a heartbeat given the circumstances," Charles informed him pointedly, refusing to regret the actions he'd taken to help Scott through the years. "The nightmares were so strong-too powerful for your subconscious to allow them to progress in a natural fashion. They wouldn't leave your subconscious or set you free from the horrors. You were lost inside yourself overtaken by terror at every twist and turn."
"So you decided to do me the favor in making them go away," Scott noted thinking back to his troubled youth, struggling to find the reason why he'd needed to journey back to that period in his life again. Although his encounter with Victor had brought back a great, many, horrible memories, there were still things from that time, more specifically Logan, that Scott had wanted to keep with him. Now he'd wished he would've seen Logan's place in his life despite the pain associated with the tormenting memories.
"It was something we mutually agreed to," Charles stated simply pulling Scott out of his silent contemplations, "something that you wanted at the time. I wouldn't have done it without your permission and despite your sudden outburst, deep down you know that to be true."
"Yes perhaps, but I was young and confused. I know I didn't want to linger on what they did to me, but…" Scott paused feeling the hiss of the whispers leaving his mind, taking his anger that had gotten the best of him in the moment to offer him a small few seconds of reprieve from doubt. Taking in a breath, he started to speak up again with a different approach softening his tone, "What I don't understand is why when Logan was here that you didn't just say to me that he was the one who saved me."
"I didn't want to risk the memories returning to you at the time," Charles answered with a sigh, "As selfish as you may feel that my withholding that information from you might have been, I felt it was in everyone's best interest if we didn't go digging into that part of the past again. I wanted you to be able to embrace the man you'd become without looking back onto a time when your world was full of terror and pain."
"Yet in my redemption, you shut Logan out," Scott eyed Charles suspiciously from behind his glasses. "You never thought in all those moments when I complained about Logan that maybe just maybe I should know the weight of the sacrifice he made for me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be sitting here today and…"
"I understand that you feel a great deal of loyalty to Logan," Charles conceded in the same smooth, even tone he carried with him. Although Scott could sense Charles was shaken, he tried to bury that with his words, keeping things simple in the moment. "I know when you lost Jean he played a great impact on your life through the grieving process and…"
"It runs deeper than that," Scott blurted out simply, "but you've known that for a while, haven't you?"
"There's no mistaking the impact that Logan has made on everyone around him," Charles conceded turning his attention to the window outside of his office. "He's surprised each of us all in a great many ways yourself included. I understand why you could come to admire him and…"
"Logan's never given up on me," Scott mouthed thinking about his time away from the school, "Even when I was consumed by madness, he was still fighting for me and…"
"There's no mistaking Logan's loyalty to you and yours to him," Charles began with a small sigh, "It's only natural that in losing Jean you'd both feel drawn to one another, doing what you felt you could to lend support to one another."
"What I feel for Logan runs deeper than my grief over losing Jean," Scott defended feeling an uneasiness bristling in his skin when the room grew suddenly cooler. He looked around, seeing Charles focused on the window still, yet Scott's own mind was reeling with a million and one thoughts in the moment.
"Often people are drawn to one another in instances of great tragedy. We seek out others who can reach us on a deeper, more profound level-others who can feel our pain and empathize," Charles continued keeping his eyes on the world outside the walls of the school. The winds were starting to pick up outside of the estate, sending the trees swinging in the moment, whipping up a few leaves in the process before thunder cracked through the afternoon. "Logan represents stability for you in a time when chaos ensued and…"
"He saved me from myself, from Victor," Scott replied bringing his hand up through his hair. He felt goose bumps forming on his flesh when Charles spoke up once more.
"I won't argue that Scott," Charles finally turned his focus to Scott again, "it's in those experiences that naturally you would feel gratitude, loyalty and kinship. Much like when you and I first met, you and Logan were able to bond over a horrible ordeal. When tragedy struck again with Jean's sacrifice it triggered those feelings and…"
"It began long before Jean and had I known that, then perhaps I wouldn't have…" Scott bit back on his words, his mind consumed with the truth behind the betrayal he'd pushed upon Jean. It hadn't been his intentions, but in his attachment to Logan, it now made sense as to why they'd been drawn together. It was clear that something more profound was inevitable, yet with Scott unaware of the past, it had blinded him from the truth for much too long.
"What?" Charles inquired, "Turned to Logan for consult? Listened to what he had to say to you about the world around him?"
"Logan and I are…" Scott opened his mouth in protest.
"Both learning to live again after experiencing the grieving process. You're both dealing with strong, conflicting emotions that undoubtedly feel as if they are something else, but deep down I think you know what it is you've been meant for Scott. I believe that you've found your way back and in doing so you'll be able to emerge from this nightmare stronger than before."
"I'm in love with him," Scott blurted out in an impassioned tone, "I have been for a very long time."
"Love," Charles noted with a neutral tone revealing nothing in his thoughts, "Is that what you really feel it is?"
"Of course I do. He makes me happy," Scott frowned, "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."
"Just like the way you felt when you and Jean were together?" Charles questioned giving Scott another long, scrutinizing look. "You said it to her as well."
"I loved Jean very much," Scott spoke up defensively, "She was an important part of my life, but with Logan…"
"You believe that you love him as well," Charles finished in the same business as usual tone that Scott had grown to admire over the years in times of tension, but now with Scott feeling as if he was under some kind of microscope, he couldn't help, but be defensive. "Do you believe that you've reached that point in your life where you're able to fully embrace that sentiment with someone new?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Scott questioned impatiently.
"Why couldn't you go into that room Scott? Why were you standing outside of the door surrounded by thoughts of Jean?" Charles asked.
"I wasn't," Scott shook his head, "I was just…"
"What?" Charles raised a speculative brow.
"I took a wrong turn," Scott spat out, opting to ignore the truth behind his answer.
"Then or now?" Charles inquired hinting beyond what he'd witnessed today in the hallway. "You say that you're in love Scott, but what I see before me is someone who appears to be confused about what he's feeling and…"
"Not where Logan is concerned," Scott answered readily, "Never about Logan."
"Then why were you so eager to lash out at me about the past? If you truly felt secure in your relationship, then would you really have to find an explanation for it?" Charles continued with a crease in his brow, "Would you really have to be standing here wanting to condemn me over what slipped through the cracks of your mind? Do you believe that if somehow you had remembered Logan that it would've made the guilt you're feeling any less over how the situation ended with Jean? That it would give you a pass to ignore that nagging voice inside of you that's telling you something's wrong? If somehow it would make things with Logan acceptable without question?"
"Are we really doing this?" Scott couldn't help, but frown at the implication Charles was throwing at him. "Are we really having a discussion where I have to defend the way I feel for Logan?"
"You're the one that invited this conversation to the foreground by addressing the fact that you felt betrayed in having your first encounter stolen from your mind," Charles noted taking in a breath. "Clearly this topic was one that you'd felt we shouldn't avoid, so I'm merely questioning the motivation behind this-the reasoning for why you might be feeling as if…"
"As if everyone around me except Logan thinks I'm some kind of charity case," Scott threw his hands up in the air, "like if they don't continue to discard my thoughts and feelings that somehow they're going to find that I break. When Jean died everyone around here pretended like I was unapproachable, that I was inconsolable…"
"You were Scott," Charles let out a long sigh hoping to soothe Scott with his words, "We all tried to reach you, but…"
"But nothing," Scott refused to accept Charles or his words to touch the sudden fury in his heart, "Everyone just went on pretending I was irrelevant. Never once did anyone ask what was going on inside of my head. With all of your powers you couldn't see that Jean was invading my thoughts, that she was twisting my mind, playing with it for her own pleasures, using me to provide her with what she needed to return. She was past the point of no return, but no one was even aware of her lingering presence."
"Jean had lost herself to Phoenix, which was something I'd tried very hard to avoid having happen for her," Charles explained with a wounded expression on his face. "She deserved so much more…"
"We all did," Scott snapped back at him, clenching his fists at his side, "I did. Instead of you doing what you could to seek out the truth, you simply let me slip through the cracks. You replaced me with Storm, giving her control of the school and…"
"Scott, it wasn't a decision I'd taken lightly considering that I'd always believed that you would be my predecessor, taking on everything that I'd tried to embody here. I knew in my heart that you would always be the one to embrace the foundation I've laid out here and…" Charles continued in an impassioned tone.
"Always," Scott mocked his tone, "that is until a real problem arose and you felt that the poor, wounded orphan couldn't cut it when push came to shove. You felt that because of what Stryker did to me that I was incapable of living up to your expectations, that because I was manipulated by Jean, dragged down into hell within my head that I couldn't cut it…"
"No Scott. I was thinking about what was best for the school at the time and for you," Charles stopped himself knowing only too well the conversation had taken a twisted turn, one he hadn't been prepared to handle with Scott, "I can also understand how you're feeling in the moment given how things played out around here, but…"
"But nothing," Scott let out a pinched laugh feeling anger settle in over his abdomen once again, "You don't have the first clue what it is I've been going through and…"
"I'd like to understand Scott," Charles spoke smoothly, his words reaching out to Scott, attempting to make their way into Scott's subconscious to sooth the younger man's worries and bring about an end to the conflict in Scott's tortured mind.
"Don't," Scott snapped in warning, bringing his hand up over the side of his head to try to shield himself from the invasion, "don't try to read me right now."
"I'm sorry. I should've asked first," Charles apologized folding his hands on top of his desk, "I was merely trying to…"
"I know what you were doing, but it won't change the way I feel," Scott decided rising to his feet and walking across the room to look out the window. "I realize what I am to all of you. I know what my role is and how when push came to shove where I truly ranked in the grand scheme of things."
"Your perception is a bit skewed right now Scott," Charles attempted to reach out to him again, "It's been jaded by the chain of events leading to this moment, but I can assure you that no one feels you're irrelevant. The team needs you, we all have turned to you when our lives were on the line. You're someone we've depended on, someone we still depend on to guide us and…"
"Are you sure about that?" Scott questioned looking over his shoulder at Charles for a brief moment before turning away.
"There's so much anger inside of you Scott. There are so many things that I know you're dealing with and if you stop fighting me…if you let me inside perhaps together we can find the source of what's really troubling you. If we can smooth it out together, then…" Charles suggested softening his tone.
"What will it accomplish?" Scott asked with a frown, his voice cold and distant in the moment. "It's not going to change what happened. It won't turn back the hands of time nor will it bring Jean back."
"I know that losing her has put a heavy burden on your soul. I can feel it Scott," Charles asserted seeing Scott tense up before him. "I realize that what you experienced in your final exchange with her was something that was a contradiction to the love you'd felt for one another. It was an uninvited moment where Phoenix took control and…"
"Jean needed our help," Scott shivered at the memory of his former lover, "She needed us to be there for her, but we failed her. She was at war with herself, but…"
"It doesn't mean you have to be at war with yourself Scott. We can look inside and try to find a way to sooth the ache that's tearing you to pieces," Charles appealed to him once again, "If we just start from the beginning together…"
"Why bother?" Scott's frown intensified. "It won't change anything that happened before."
"Because it will help you heal," Charles coaxed Scott into trusting him, into inviting him within to soothe the rage twisting Scott apart from within.
"I don't want to heal," Scott glanced over his shoulder at Charles, "I just want to understand."
"Then let me help you," Charles pushed his wheelchair away from the desk, making his way across the room towards Scott in an attempt to bridge the distances between them.
"I don't think you can," Scott shivered folding his arms in front of his chest to close himself off. The chill intensified, surrounding Scott, slipping into his lungs with each breath he took. His headache returned, pulse quickening when his senses told him that something was happening. Speaking with Charles had turned out differently then he'd hoped, but now, well now something else was brewing underneath the surface.
"At least allow me the opportunity to try," Charles appealed to Scott again, his voice worried and comforting in his attempt to understand.
"You can't," Scott shook his head in refusal.
"I'd like to try," Charles offered up soothingly, "If you just…"
"You don't understand," Scott groaned reaching up to touch the side of his own face. His head was throbbing, mind overtaken by conflicting thoughts, but it wouldn't erase the tension in the room. It wouldn't make Scott any more certain of anything involving himself or Charles, he realized thinking about Logan's pleas to end the deceptions he'd carried with him since his return. "No one can considering that…"
"Scott please," Charles appealed to him once again, his voice rolling into Scott's temple, sliding into Scott's mind when there was an infuriated reaction to the invasion upon Scott's skin, a silent warning to keep Charles at arm's length. Spinning around Scott faced Charles fully, feeling his body shaken with a sudden anger. He dropped his arms down at his sides, his jaw flexing with tension, mind reeling with rage when he snarled at Charles.
"Don't!" Scott snapped, the word spilling from his lips in a rush of electricity and darkness, foreign sounding in contrast to Scott's usual tone. The word spiraled across the room with a hiss, stealing the momentary ease between the two men when the mug on the desk began to spin and bounce near the edge catching them both off guard.
"Scott?" Charles questioned turning his attention to the mug, seeing it whirl off of the desk onto the floor in a shattering explosion.
"I can't do this," Scott blurted out, feeling his hands shaking at what had happened. He looked to the spilled coffee on the floor and suddenly Scott felt as if he'd stepped out of his own skin, possessed by a force that wasn't his own. His hands were shaking, lips trembling when he gasped for breath, eyes seeing the situation in ways that were foreign to Scott. It was as if he was on the outside looking down on himself, witnessing things as another immersed in the situation. Panic washed over Scott when he focused his attention to the broken glass of the mug again before turning away.
"Scott wait," Charles called out to him, watching as Scott rushed to exit the office, "Scott!"
Worriedly Charles took in a breath before trying a different approach to the situation, "Jean?"
XXXXX
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: NC-17.
Word Count: 6085
Summary: Sequel to Starting Over. Coming home again is never easy especially when changes and secrets are all around you. Scott and Logan deal with their beginnings and an uncertain future when an old threat
"I know it's been a while since we've been able to have a real conversation with one another Scott," Charles sighed motioning for Scott to take a seat across from the desk in his office. "I do apologize for that given that I realize we both have a great many questions for one another."
"I won't argue that point," Scott noted with a simple shake of his head. His eyes surveyed the office, remembering only too well the great many hours he'd spent in this very room seeking out council from Charles in the past. Their bond had been strengthened by their ability to be candid and honest with one another. They'd been able to embrace their ideals, their thoughts about the future with one another during a time when everyone else had created chaos for the team, but now it seemed as if the battle was much closer to home buried within the secrets the walls of the school still held over them.
"Where shall we start?" Charles inquired, his blue eyes finding their way to Scott again with a moment of intense scrutiny and curiosity. "Perhaps we should go back to what was happening when I discovered you outside of the door to your old room."
"I'd rather not talk about that right now," Scott stiffened at the mention of the madness that had prompted him to return to his past. Even now he could still feel the hold Jean had on him from back before Logan's arrival, could recall a time when he'd believed they would live happily ever after, but Scott knew it was only an illusion, an idealistic notion that had become far from the truth for them. He'd fought like hell during their relationship to be perfect, to be the man that Jean had needed, but he'd blown it, sending their lives into an uproar when he found himself unable to ignore his feelings for Logan. Yes, they'd been muted for a very long time, but Scott had always felt them driving him forward, further away from Jean and his promises. His need had consumed him, taking him to a moment of compromise, turning away from all the ideals he'd vowed to live by when lust had overtaken him. That thought in itself brought him to feeling weighed down by guilt, feeling dirty and horrible over hurting Jean when he'd simply been following his heart, allowing it to lead him to where he'd truly longed to be.
"Scott?" Charles questioned, speaking his name and pulling him from the conflicting thoughts inside of his head.
"I don't regret the choices I've made," Scott blurted out catching Charles off guard with his cryptic tone.
"I wouldn't imagine you should," Charles tipped his head to the side and eyed Scott for a long, ponderous moment, "What would make you feel as if you should question the decisions you've made Scott? Did it have something to do with what was happening in being so close to Jean's memory?"
"I shouldn't have been over there," Scott sighed heavily, feeling as if the breath was escaping from his lungs in a desperate pinch. He brought one hand up through his hair before clearing his throat, "We shouldn't be having this conversation. I don't want to talk about Jean, not now."
"Alright," Charles nodded simply, "then perhaps we should return to what it is that you do want to discuss."
"Fine," Scott began stubbornly before sinking down into the chair as Charles had requested. "Why didn't you tell me about Logan?"
"What about Logan?" Charles asked curiously, his hands moving across his desk to reach for the mug of coffee he'd placed there earlier in the day. Raising it to his lips, he took a long sip before setting the mug down again, "Is this about his quest to seek out Victor Creed? I realize it's important to him and…"
"No," Scott shook his head adamantly, "this isn't about Victor. This is about Logan and the fact that you inadvertently lied to me about him. This is about what you should've told me a long time ago, but refused. Now that we both know there's no more hiding it, how about we start with the truth for a change?"
"We've always been truthful with one another Scott," Charles answered evasively, "and I'm certain whatever is bothering you is…"
"We haven't been telling one another the truth for a very long time," Scott moved forward, feeling a strong sensation of distrust pouring out over his body, soaking into his every synapse until finally Scott feared he may erupt in the moment. "Why didn't you say anything about Logan?"
"Scott I'm not following," Charles offered up apologetically, his lips curving downward in the beginnings of a scowl.
"Stop lying!" Scott snapped balling his fists up at his side in a moment of thunderous rage. "I want the truth damn it and I want it now!"
"Excuse me?" Charles blinked back at him, surprise registering behind his eyes.
"Logan," Scott repeated behind gritted teeth unable to mask his discomfort in the moment with Charles, "Why was it you failed to mention who he was to me when you sent Storm and I out to retrieve him and Rogue?"
"At the time I hadn't really thought much about anything aside from uncovering Magneto's plot and…" Charles began after an awkward silence built between them.
"No, I don't believe that," Scott shook his head stubbornly, his own uneasiness revealing itself in the moment, "there was a reason you purposely withheld the information about Logan's role in saving me."
"Scott I…" Charles frowned, a crease forming in his brow with the movement.
"Why didn't you tell me that I knew him from before? Why didn't you say that he was the one who rescued me?" Scott questioned aggressively, thinking about the issue that had been troubling him for quite some time.
Charles hesitated, clearing his throat for a moment before speaking up in a smooth, even tone, "I didn't think at the time it was relevant to the mission at hand."
"Not relevant?" Scott raised his voice with increasing agitation. "How could it not be relevant? The man saved my life! If it wasn't for him, then I might not even be alive right now. That should count for something, should it not?"
"Be that as it may, you were traumatized when you first came here Scott. We both know that the nightmares were consuming you, so…" Charles attempted to defend his actions now that Scott was confronting them.
"So what?" Scott questioned seeing Charles' arms shift uncomfortably on his chair.
"So I did what was necessary to help you get through the experience Scott. You know as well I as I do that your well being is important to me so in helping you…" Charles offered up with a long sigh, his words coming out in a tired, uneasy breath.
"Just like you helped Jean?" Scott questioned in an accusatory tone remembering only too well the disastrous results of Jean's instability. While Charles couldn't be blamed for what happened, it was a ticking time bomb that no one saw coming especially Scott after he'd fallen for Logan. Still feeling anger and resentment over all the things he'd lost Scott channeled his anger on the one man he'd always turned to for support and guidance, "Did you do to her what you did to me in trying to ease my mind? Was that really for our well being or because you wanted to control what could happen with us? What we could do to you or the world around us should we embrace that part of who we were?"
"Scott, that's not what I…" Charles frowned at Scott's words, his brow wrinkling at Scott's insinuation. "You needed help Scott. You were traumatized and…"
"It sure as hell didn't work for Jean, so why should I believe any of it worked for me?" Scott questioned throwing his hands up in the air. Unable to hold back on his frustration Scott continued to lash out at Charles furiously. "I don't understand why in all of what you did that you felt you had to keep Logan buried deep inside my subconscious. Was it so wrong to let me know that he was someone important in my life? Would it have really pushed me over the edge to see that he was the person who gave me a second chance at life again?"
"You made your own second chances Scott. What you endured is something that I won't pretend to understand. Given all you've suffered, I simply wanted to see you emerge from the situation in a new light, embracing your powers without fear or doubt…" Charles explained in a smooth, calm voice clearly making an attempt at reasoning with the irrational feelings inside of Scott.
"Doubt?" Scott repeated with a small laugh, "That's ironic because it feels like all these years that's all I've had poured into my head. I've been overtaken by guilt, consumed by things that were beyond my control, feeling as if I should've been different-that if I could only live by your ideals that life would suddenly be as it should be."
"You're a man with a great moral character and…" Charles explained hoping to reason with Scott in the moment of Scott's heightened emotions.
"But not strong enough to recognize a face from the past? I wasn't able to process that Logan was someone who saved me because my moral character couldn't keep it together if the truth revealed itself, right?" Scott folded his arms in front of his chest defiantly. "I wouldn't be able to allow one trigger inside because if that happened, what? Would it all come crashing down around me like it did with Jean?"
"Scott, that's not what I was trying to do with either one of you. You were both so lost and troubled in the beginning that we all felt it best to…" Charles sighed realizing there was no more avoiding their conversations.
"Withhold my connection to Logan because you felt I was weak?" Scott frowned down at him, testing out a hypothesis that had been lingering on his mind for quite some time. While Charles had always pushed Scott to believe in himself, there was an inner voice nagging at the back of his mind, telling Scott not to feel content in their discussion.
"He's lying to you," Scott could hear someone whispering into the back of his ear, "He can't be trusted."
Scott tried to shake the muted whispers, to ignore the voice, but it was there inside of him, pounding it's warning message into Scott's head. He let out a long breath struggling to find a way to argue with the thought that consumed him, but the more it pushed itself into his mind, the harder it became to focus.
"Charles had always thought you were inadequate…never like the rest of them. You were merely there to placate him, to run with as his trusty sidekick for a while until he no longer had any real use for you. He took pity on you because you weren't as great as the others. You couldn't perform at their level and they all knew it," the voice cajoled Scott into tuning Charles out in the moment.
"No," Scott mouthed under his breath realizing that couldn't be true. His thoughts had to be betraying him. Even in his rage Charles was someone he could count on, someone he could turn to for guidance and…
"He thinks you're pathetic, in need of being put down after he believed that you lost your mind. You were right to stay away because without your powers you would've been irrelevant to him, to all of them. They would have no need for you…," the voice continued to taunt, causing Scott's headache to return. He brought one hand up through his dark hair again and tried to focus on anything other than the sound of doubts that surrounded him. "If he had his way, he would've had you stay dead. He hoped that you would have allowed yourself to be truly destroyed before you could return to challenge him and his ideals."
Scott shook his head again, attempting to banish the lingering thoughts with a dull, pained breath. It was no use. They still surrounded him, consumed him, drawing him deep into their warped perception of the world when Scott raised his chin defiantly, his mouth curving into a tight, impossible scowl.
"You think I'm vulnerable, defenseless and even pathetic in my own way," Scott mouthed bitterly unable to hold back on the madness that consumed him any longer, "You've always felt that way about me."
"No, Scott, that's not at all what I'm…" Charles opened his mouth in protest while trying to comprehend what was Scott was saying to him.
"Isn't it? I mean really isn't this your way of saying that I couldn't handle the truth in knowing that Logan rescued me? That I wasn't strong enough to manage that information? Then again perhaps you feared what allowing this to come out would do for your plans to keep me subservient after all this time," Scott pointed to his head and let out an ironic laugh.
"That's not at all what you are to me Scott or to the team. We need you to help lead us and…" Charles began worriedly when Scott's nostrils began to flare with momentarily bitterness.
"Lead?" Scott couldn't help, but laugh, "Wow, so now you want me to play leader when just a short while ago you deemed me incapable of such a task."
"There were special circumstances Scott with your grieving and…" Charles replied without hesitation, "A choice needed to be made and…"
"You made the wrong one, but then again it really shouldn't surprise me now that I know what you truly think of me," Scott snarled, his fingers digging into his palms in a moment of anger. "It's funny how your opinion of me really hasn't changed through the years. I always thought that you believed in me, that you believed that one day I would be a great leader-someone you took under your wing to mentor. You made it sound so wonderful, so filled with purpose and meaning. You lead me to believe that in our fight we'd be able to somehow make peace with the others out there who judged us, who couldn't understand what we were. You made me want to believe that one day we'd all find a way to coexist in a world where we could all be on the same playing field, but that was all lies."
"No, it wasn't Scott. You and I both know that peace can be an option when we work together. Together we're stronger, the better men who can change the world. We can still show them that…" Charles opened his mouth in protest, attempting to reach out into Scott's thoughts in the moment. Scott felt the attempt at invasion and he snarled.
"No!," Scott snapped back at him, "You don't mean that. You don't believe that especially not with me. Now I realize that you never saw me as a part of that world. You felt I needed to have my hand held, to have the truth about my troubles buried deep in my subconscious so I wouldn't crumble to pieces right before your eyes and compromise your path. You wanted to maintain control, to keep me on a leash for your own agenda by first erasing my past. Then when Jean died you all thought I was weak, that I couldn't control myself…"
"Scott, that's not at all what we thought about you. I don't know where you're getting these notions, but they couldn't be further from the truth where I'm concerned. We all knew you were suffering, in great agony," Charles sighed.
"So much so that no one took the time to see what was really happening right before their very eyes," Scott couldn't help, but roll his eyes from behind his glasses. "No one sought out the source of my torment. They just assumed that I was lost."
"You were never lost. Perhaps misguided in the moment, but that never changed the fact that you're a very gifted young man. You always have been. You've been one of my best students through years…the closest thing I've had to a son in my life," Charles interrupted with a shake of his head refusing to give into Scott's outburst with his own emotional uproar.
"If you truly believed in me…if you felt that that was really how things have been, then why not allow me the luxury of the truth?" Scott questioned with a wounded expression on his face.
"I did what I did to protect you, to keep you safe from the demons Stryker had pushed into your mind and I would do it again in a heartbeat given the circumstances," Charles informed him pointedly, refusing to regret the actions he'd taken to help Scott through the years. "The nightmares were so strong-too powerful for your subconscious to allow them to progress in a natural fashion. They wouldn't leave your subconscious or set you free from the horrors. You were lost inside yourself overtaken by terror at every twist and turn."
"So you decided to do me the favor in making them go away," Scott noted thinking back to his troubled youth, struggling to find the reason why he'd needed to journey back to that period in his life again. Although his encounter with Victor had brought back a great, many, horrible memories, there were still things from that time, more specifically Logan, that Scott had wanted to keep with him. Now he'd wished he would've seen Logan's place in his life despite the pain associated with the tormenting memories.
"It was something we mutually agreed to," Charles stated simply pulling Scott out of his silent contemplations, "something that you wanted at the time. I wouldn't have done it without your permission and despite your sudden outburst, deep down you know that to be true."
"Yes perhaps, but I was young and confused. I know I didn't want to linger on what they did to me, but…" Scott paused feeling the hiss of the whispers leaving his mind, taking his anger that had gotten the best of him in the moment to offer him a small few seconds of reprieve from doubt. Taking in a breath, he started to speak up again with a different approach softening his tone, "What I don't understand is why when Logan was here that you didn't just say to me that he was the one who saved me."
"I didn't want to risk the memories returning to you at the time," Charles answered with a sigh, "As selfish as you may feel that my withholding that information from you might have been, I felt it was in everyone's best interest if we didn't go digging into that part of the past again. I wanted you to be able to embrace the man you'd become without looking back onto a time when your world was full of terror and pain."
"Yet in my redemption, you shut Logan out," Scott eyed Charles suspiciously from behind his glasses. "You never thought in all those moments when I complained about Logan that maybe just maybe I should know the weight of the sacrifice he made for me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be sitting here today and…"
"I understand that you feel a great deal of loyalty to Logan," Charles conceded in the same smooth, even tone he carried with him. Although Scott could sense Charles was shaken, he tried to bury that with his words, keeping things simple in the moment. "I know when you lost Jean he played a great impact on your life through the grieving process and…"
"It runs deeper than that," Scott blurted out simply, "but you've known that for a while, haven't you?"
"There's no mistaking the impact that Logan has made on everyone around him," Charles conceded turning his attention to the window outside of his office. "He's surprised each of us all in a great many ways yourself included. I understand why you could come to admire him and…"
"Logan's never given up on me," Scott mouthed thinking about his time away from the school, "Even when I was consumed by madness, he was still fighting for me and…"
"There's no mistaking Logan's loyalty to you and yours to him," Charles began with a small sigh, "It's only natural that in losing Jean you'd both feel drawn to one another, doing what you felt you could to lend support to one another."
"What I feel for Logan runs deeper than my grief over losing Jean," Scott defended feeling an uneasiness bristling in his skin when the room grew suddenly cooler. He looked around, seeing Charles focused on the window still, yet Scott's own mind was reeling with a million and one thoughts in the moment.
"Often people are drawn to one another in instances of great tragedy. We seek out others who can reach us on a deeper, more profound level-others who can feel our pain and empathize," Charles continued keeping his eyes on the world outside the walls of the school. The winds were starting to pick up outside of the estate, sending the trees swinging in the moment, whipping up a few leaves in the process before thunder cracked through the afternoon. "Logan represents stability for you in a time when chaos ensued and…"
"He saved me from myself, from Victor," Scott replied bringing his hand up through his hair. He felt goose bumps forming on his flesh when Charles spoke up once more.
"I won't argue that Scott," Charles finally turned his focus to Scott again, "it's in those experiences that naturally you would feel gratitude, loyalty and kinship. Much like when you and I first met, you and Logan were able to bond over a horrible ordeal. When tragedy struck again with Jean's sacrifice it triggered those feelings and…"
"It began long before Jean and had I known that, then perhaps I wouldn't have…" Scott bit back on his words, his mind consumed with the truth behind the betrayal he'd pushed upon Jean. It hadn't been his intentions, but in his attachment to Logan, it now made sense as to why they'd been drawn together. It was clear that something more profound was inevitable, yet with Scott unaware of the past, it had blinded him from the truth for much too long.
"What?" Charles inquired, "Turned to Logan for consult? Listened to what he had to say to you about the world around him?"
"Logan and I are…" Scott opened his mouth in protest.
"Both learning to live again after experiencing the grieving process. You're both dealing with strong, conflicting emotions that undoubtedly feel as if they are something else, but deep down I think you know what it is you've been meant for Scott. I believe that you've found your way back and in doing so you'll be able to emerge from this nightmare stronger than before."
"I'm in love with him," Scott blurted out in an impassioned tone, "I have been for a very long time."
"Love," Charles noted with a neutral tone revealing nothing in his thoughts, "Is that what you really feel it is?"
"Of course I do. He makes me happy," Scott frowned, "I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."
"Just like the way you felt when you and Jean were together?" Charles questioned giving Scott another long, scrutinizing look. "You said it to her as well."
"I loved Jean very much," Scott spoke up defensively, "She was an important part of my life, but with Logan…"
"You believe that you love him as well," Charles finished in the same business as usual tone that Scott had grown to admire over the years in times of tension, but now with Scott feeling as if he was under some kind of microscope, he couldn't help, but be defensive. "Do you believe that you've reached that point in your life where you're able to fully embrace that sentiment with someone new?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Scott questioned impatiently.
"Why couldn't you go into that room Scott? Why were you standing outside of the door surrounded by thoughts of Jean?" Charles asked.
"I wasn't," Scott shook his head, "I was just…"
"What?" Charles raised a speculative brow.
"I took a wrong turn," Scott spat out, opting to ignore the truth behind his answer.
"Then or now?" Charles inquired hinting beyond what he'd witnessed today in the hallway. "You say that you're in love Scott, but what I see before me is someone who appears to be confused about what he's feeling and…"
"Not where Logan is concerned," Scott answered readily, "Never about Logan."
"Then why were you so eager to lash out at me about the past? If you truly felt secure in your relationship, then would you really have to find an explanation for it?" Charles continued with a crease in his brow, "Would you really have to be standing here wanting to condemn me over what slipped through the cracks of your mind? Do you believe that if somehow you had remembered Logan that it would've made the guilt you're feeling any less over how the situation ended with Jean? That it would give you a pass to ignore that nagging voice inside of you that's telling you something's wrong? If somehow it would make things with Logan acceptable without question?"
"Are we really doing this?" Scott couldn't help, but frown at the implication Charles was throwing at him. "Are we really having a discussion where I have to defend the way I feel for Logan?"
"You're the one that invited this conversation to the foreground by addressing the fact that you felt betrayed in having your first encounter stolen from your mind," Charles noted taking in a breath. "Clearly this topic was one that you'd felt we shouldn't avoid, so I'm merely questioning the motivation behind this-the reasoning for why you might be feeling as if…"
"As if everyone around me except Logan thinks I'm some kind of charity case," Scott threw his hands up in the air, "like if they don't continue to discard my thoughts and feelings that somehow they're going to find that I break. When Jean died everyone around here pretended like I was unapproachable, that I was inconsolable…"
"You were Scott," Charles let out a long sigh hoping to soothe Scott with his words, "We all tried to reach you, but…"
"But nothing," Scott refused to accept Charles or his words to touch the sudden fury in his heart, "Everyone just went on pretending I was irrelevant. Never once did anyone ask what was going on inside of my head. With all of your powers you couldn't see that Jean was invading my thoughts, that she was twisting my mind, playing with it for her own pleasures, using me to provide her with what she needed to return. She was past the point of no return, but no one was even aware of her lingering presence."
"Jean had lost herself to Phoenix, which was something I'd tried very hard to avoid having happen for her," Charles explained with a wounded expression on his face. "She deserved so much more…"
"We all did," Scott snapped back at him, clenching his fists at his side, "I did. Instead of you doing what you could to seek out the truth, you simply let me slip through the cracks. You replaced me with Storm, giving her control of the school and…"
"Scott, it wasn't a decision I'd taken lightly considering that I'd always believed that you would be my predecessor, taking on everything that I'd tried to embody here. I knew in my heart that you would always be the one to embrace the foundation I've laid out here and…" Charles continued in an impassioned tone.
"Always," Scott mocked his tone, "that is until a real problem arose and you felt that the poor, wounded orphan couldn't cut it when push came to shove. You felt that because of what Stryker did to me that I was incapable of living up to your expectations, that because I was manipulated by Jean, dragged down into hell within my head that I couldn't cut it…"
"No Scott. I was thinking about what was best for the school at the time and for you," Charles stopped himself knowing only too well the conversation had taken a twisted turn, one he hadn't been prepared to handle with Scott, "I can also understand how you're feeling in the moment given how things played out around here, but…"
"But nothing," Scott let out a pinched laugh feeling anger settle in over his abdomen once again, "You don't have the first clue what it is I've been going through and…"
"I'd like to understand Scott," Charles spoke smoothly, his words reaching out to Scott, attempting to make their way into Scott's subconscious to sooth the younger man's worries and bring about an end to the conflict in Scott's tortured mind.
"Don't," Scott snapped in warning, bringing his hand up over the side of his head to try to shield himself from the invasion, "don't try to read me right now."
"I'm sorry. I should've asked first," Charles apologized folding his hands on top of his desk, "I was merely trying to…"
"I know what you were doing, but it won't change the way I feel," Scott decided rising to his feet and walking across the room to look out the window. "I realize what I am to all of you. I know what my role is and how when push came to shove where I truly ranked in the grand scheme of things."
"Your perception is a bit skewed right now Scott," Charles attempted to reach out to him again, "It's been jaded by the chain of events leading to this moment, but I can assure you that no one feels you're irrelevant. The team needs you, we all have turned to you when our lives were on the line. You're someone we've depended on, someone we still depend on to guide us and…"
"Are you sure about that?" Scott questioned looking over his shoulder at Charles for a brief moment before turning away.
"There's so much anger inside of you Scott. There are so many things that I know you're dealing with and if you stop fighting me…if you let me inside perhaps together we can find the source of what's really troubling you. If we can smooth it out together, then…" Charles suggested softening his tone.
"What will it accomplish?" Scott asked with a frown, his voice cold and distant in the moment. "It's not going to change what happened. It won't turn back the hands of time nor will it bring Jean back."
"I know that losing her has put a heavy burden on your soul. I can feel it Scott," Charles asserted seeing Scott tense up before him. "I realize that what you experienced in your final exchange with her was something that was a contradiction to the love you'd felt for one another. It was an uninvited moment where Phoenix took control and…"
"Jean needed our help," Scott shivered at the memory of his former lover, "She needed us to be there for her, but we failed her. She was at war with herself, but…"
"It doesn't mean you have to be at war with yourself Scott. We can look inside and try to find a way to sooth the ache that's tearing you to pieces," Charles appealed to him once again, "If we just start from the beginning together…"
"Why bother?" Scott's frown intensified. "It won't change anything that happened before."
"Because it will help you heal," Charles coaxed Scott into trusting him, into inviting him within to soothe the rage twisting Scott apart from within.
"I don't want to heal," Scott glanced over his shoulder at Charles, "I just want to understand."
"Then let me help you," Charles pushed his wheelchair away from the desk, making his way across the room towards Scott in an attempt to bridge the distances between them.
"I don't think you can," Scott shivered folding his arms in front of his chest to close himself off. The chill intensified, surrounding Scott, slipping into his lungs with each breath he took. His headache returned, pulse quickening when his senses told him that something was happening. Speaking with Charles had turned out differently then he'd hoped, but now, well now something else was brewing underneath the surface.
"At least allow me the opportunity to try," Charles appealed to Scott again, his voice worried and comforting in his attempt to understand.
"You can't," Scott shook his head in refusal.
"I'd like to try," Charles offered up soothingly, "If you just…"
"You don't understand," Scott groaned reaching up to touch the side of his own face. His head was throbbing, mind overtaken by conflicting thoughts, but it wouldn't erase the tension in the room. It wouldn't make Scott any more certain of anything involving himself or Charles, he realized thinking about Logan's pleas to end the deceptions he'd carried with him since his return. "No one can considering that…"
"Scott please," Charles appealed to him once again, his voice rolling into Scott's temple, sliding into Scott's mind when there was an infuriated reaction to the invasion upon Scott's skin, a silent warning to keep Charles at arm's length. Spinning around Scott faced Charles fully, feeling his body shaken with a sudden anger. He dropped his arms down at his sides, his jaw flexing with tension, mind reeling with rage when he snarled at Charles.
"Don't!" Scott snapped, the word spilling from his lips in a rush of electricity and darkness, foreign sounding in contrast to Scott's usual tone. The word spiraled across the room with a hiss, stealing the momentary ease between the two men when the mug on the desk began to spin and bounce near the edge catching them both off guard.
"Scott?" Charles questioned turning his attention to the mug, seeing it whirl off of the desk onto the floor in a shattering explosion.
"I can't do this," Scott blurted out, feeling his hands shaking at what had happened. He looked to the spilled coffee on the floor and suddenly Scott felt as if he'd stepped out of his own skin, possessed by a force that wasn't his own. His hands were shaking, lips trembling when he gasped for breath, eyes seeing the situation in ways that were foreign to Scott. It was as if he was on the outside looking down on himself, witnessing things as another immersed in the situation. Panic washed over Scott when he focused his attention to the broken glass of the mug again before turning away.
"Scott wait," Charles called out to him, watching as Scott rushed to exit the office, "Scott!"
Worriedly Charles took in a breath before trying a different approach to the situation, "Jean?"
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