It's Not Me (35/?) Scott/Logan
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33 (Part 1) | Chapter 33 (Part 2) | Chapter 34 (Part 1) | Chapter 34 (Part 2)
"Scott isn't here," Logan remarked stiffly in response to Xavier's abrasive tone, grudgingly inviting Charles into Scott's home. Stepping aside, he watched Charles move around on his own two feet into the foyer of the living room effortlessly. His stride was firm and determined when he began to survey the living room, giving it a long once over. It was then that Logan finally understood what Scott had meant about the changes in Charles. Closing the door behind Charles, Logan took in a small breath attempting to be polite when he entered the living room behind Charles, "but you're more then welcome to wait for him if you'd like."
"I was planning on it," Charles inspected the room surrounding them, giving everything intense scrutiny when he perused the bookshelves over by the television.
"There's a photo of you and Scott fishing with one another if you're interested in taking a stroll down memory lane," Logan mouthed standing up taller, doing his best to be casual and polite in the conversation, "It's behind that vase if you want to take a look at it. Normally he keeps it out on the table, but I think it got moved around in the shuffle when Scott was taking things back to the school."
Charles followed Logan's instructions, leaning down to retrieve the framed photo. Logan watched silently, seeing the beginnings of a smile that carried over Xavier's lips in the moment of contemplation. While Logan knew that it was probably irrelevant to whatever conversation was ahead, he could sense the fondness Charles still felt for Scott. Despite their growing tension with one another, Logan knew full well that the photograph served as a reminder of a time when Scott had trusted in Charles implicitly, when Scott was ready to do everything in his power to make Charles happy. At times Logan had almost envied Scott's ability to have such blind faith in one person. It had been an unconditional admiration, one that truly defined the man Scott had become, yet with the growing tension within the group Logan couldn't help, but wonder if they would all be able to get back to a place of simplicity and ease with one another. Judging by the way Charles had entered the house, Logan had sincerely doubted it.
"Did you know when Scott was a boy, he'd always dreamt of adventure?" Charles pondered aloud, not really speaking directly to Logan. "He had always hoped to move beyond the world that he'd been brought into. To see such violence and terror at such a young age changes a boy you see. It brings them to a place where they aren't at ease in their element. It works to destroy their subconscious, leaving them with so much rage…"
Logan remained silent watching as Charles touched the framed photo once again.
"Scott was so lost when he came to us," Charles continued with a heaviness in his words, "I tried everything in my power to protect him. I tried to save him, to help him discover the best in himself, but with Scott's anguish it proved to be a challenge. I wanted to help him."
"You did in a great many ways," Logan divulged thinking about all his lover had endured through the years.
"I tried my best," Charles raised his head up, giving Logan another long look, "but unfortunately that wasn't good enough for Scott. I wasn't able to shield him from the horrors of the world as I'd intended. Don't get me wrong I'd wanted to be a realist, but I'd also hoped that he'd be able to achieve the peace in his life that had been denied to him at such a tentative age. Whether you agree with my methods or not…"
"I'm not judging you for the choice you and Scott made back then," Logan replied simply, "it's not my place."
"No, it's not, but at the same time there are a great many things about Scott you couldn't possibly understand," Charles met his eyes in a challenge, "He was a very emotional young man when he came to us. There were so many things happening to him, things that he didn't dare speak a word about. He was troubled, tormented and fearful of the world around him. In some cases fear can breed contempt and hatred for the world around a person, but not with Scott. He internalized, taking it in deeper until finally I feared he would burst apart at the seams. I wanted to spare him that fate Logan. I wanted him to find a new purpose and reason in his life…something to push forward with and believe in."
"I get it," Logan rolled his shoulders back, "you wiped his mind taking out the horrors in the process. Scott's told me about that."
"Then I trust he also told you about the mission he went on shortly after he was made a squad leader? About the second time he asked me to banish the nightmares in his life?" Charles searched Logan's eyes before letting out an ironic laugh, "I'll take that as a no."
Logan remained silent watching Charles look around the room, surveying it lost in his contemplations. Logan anticipated the conversation was done, but before long Charles spoke up again.
"Scott was still a teenager when he'd been promoted to squad leader. He was a brilliant youth," Charles continued leaning forward to place the framed photo down on the table again. "He never gave himself near enough credit, but he was a natural born leader. He had all the tools at his disposal, but all he needed was a little encouragement. Even with all he'd endured, it taught him survival. It gave him an edge that he was able to channel into battle. He was stronger because of it once we worked to suppress the worst of the memories."
"So you turned him into a perfect, little soldier?" Logan couldn't help, but roll his eyes. "What kind of life is that for a kid?"
"Scott entered into the situation knowingly. He wanted to help protect our kind, to keep them safe. I've never condoned war. It's never been what I've wanted for any of us, but there have been threats to our civilization that we've had to respond to in order to bring about peace within the world we live in. Scott wasn't a soldier. He's always been my protégé working with me to bring our ideals to life. He wanted to bring peace into our community, to have us find a way to work towards the end of the prejudices that have spun so many battles and hatred…"
"Why are you telling me this?" Logan couldn't help, but ask.
"Because you want an understanding and now I'm giving you just that Logan," Charles answered with tension carrying over his features. "You claim to know and love Scott, but to do so it's time you start understanding him."
"I do understand him," Logan frowned.
"Then you know of how with the slightest push he can find himself falling to madness again?" Charles raised a curious brow, "Or how when he went on the particular mission I spoke of, he found himself facing the worst of the worst in bitter conditions? He was separated from his team and was tormented in the aftermath of what had taken place. That mission shaped his future Logan. It made him the man he is today. He was young and impressionable and made some bad choices at the time."
"How?" Logan questioned wearily, sensing something was off in Xavier's tone.
"He found himself at odds with his environment, fighting both internal and external battles until he found reprieve in an unlikely source," Charles searched Logan's features once again. "He opened himself to trust again, to seek solace in another who ultimately destroyed him. The level of betrayal he'd felt after that experience damn near broke him, took him from all the progress I'd made back to questioning everything about himself. He lost sight of what he'd done for himself in order to return to the misery that he'd immersed himself in time and time again."
"Why are you telling me this?" Logan tipped his head to the side and frowned.
"Because it took Scott a very long time to trust anyone again after that and knowing what I do about the situation, the last thing I want is for him to get hurt when his expectations don't meet reality. He's already been down that road far too many times for my liking Logan and I don't want to see him hurt again," Charles explained in a firm, warning tone. "He's come too far to be taken back to that kind of disappointment in his life all over again."
"Then perhaps you should've thought about that before you started screwing with his head and trying to chase away his happiness," Logan scoffed in response, folding his arms in front of his chest.
"You were always planning on leaving Logan. It was only a matter of time," Charles challenged taking a step in closer to Logan, "Scott's always known that about you, so in delaying the inevitable conclusion in all of this, it's only prolonging his misery."
"Misery?" Logan repeated thinking of a few choice words to deliver Charles. However, instead he opted to take the high road in ignoring the baiting words from Charles.
"Abandonment is the worst kind of pain for Scott. He fears it and envelops himself in the belief that with each time it happens that it makes him less of a person-that it takes away from who he is. It makes him feel inadequate in a great many ways that not even my assistance can truly sweep away from his subconscious," Charles offered up with a cryptic expression on his face. "It's in your nature to leave Logan and when you do regardless of the situation that surrounds you, it ultimately tears him to pieces all over again."
"I'm not leaving him this time," Logan countered with the beginnings of a snarl.
"As much as I appreciate all you've done for us Logan, I truly believe you never should've had the opportunity to do so in the first place," Charles informed him bluntly, "Scott deserves better than everything you've given him. He still does. He's meant for so many great things that you can't even begin to understand right now."
"You know what? I really don't think you're the person to be saying this to me considering that…on second thought can I get you a drink?" Logan questioned clearing his throat. He shuffled on his feet turning his attention to Scott's impressive kitchen knowing that he could certainly find a way to keep himself busy for a while instead of blurting out what he'd been thinking upon Xavier's arrival.
"Logan, let's dispose of the pleasantries and get to the point," Charles turned around to face him fully. His brow was creased with tension, blue eyes mounted with pending concerns as Logan kept a safe distance away from him, "I didn't come all the way out here to argue with you. I realize that's what you're anticipating, but…"
"Who's arguing? You'd laid it out on the line and told me what you think of me. I get it. There's no questioning the subject matter," Logan folded his arms in front of his chest defensively. Raising a curious brow, Logan gave Charles another long look, "although I've got plenty of questions for you. Given that Scott explained you'd both gone through changes, I wasn't quite sure what he meant until now when I see you standing there before me. So tell me is this a product of Jean's interference or merely one of Stryker's experiments just like I was?"
"My condition has changed dramatically just as Scott's did in our time away from everyone," Charles informed Logan in a neutral tone, his blue eyes seeking out Logan's in the moment. "I've chosen to keep this from the others at the school because…"
"It's easier to deal with secrets and deceptions, then to just be honest with one another, right?" Logan threw his hands up in the air, unable to mask the heavy sarcasm in his tone. "Honestly I don't understand how you can be so hypocritical. You were all so full of ideals when I first arrived, but now it's like everything leads to another lie. Instead of helping one another it's as if we're at war with ourselves each trying to keep the truth from the other. The unity is gone and…"
"It wasn't supposed to be like this. Believe me it's the last thing that I wanted, but unfortunately situations have arisen that have backed us all into a corner," Charles stated plainly his voice unapologetic and devoid of the stoic reasonability that he'd often carried with him. This time Logan could sense an apprehension, a darkness guiding his actions and while Logan had known in the past not to question it, today he wasn't above pushing the envelope a bit.
"You mean like Scott and I being together?" Logan mouthed sourly, unable to hold back on the defensive tendencies inside of him. He caught the curious expression on Charles' face before adding, "Yeah before you arrived to let me know what you think Scott mentioned your views on that particular subject to me as well. I realize it's undoubtedly an inconvenience to whatever it is that you've been planning, but we wouldn't have it any other way."
"Scott's in a very tentative position in his life Logan. What he's experienced in the last few years alone is something that neither one of us can understand fully," Charles spoke up smoothly.
"Yet you think you're the one who can put the pieces together for him, yes?" Logan challenged taking a step forward. "Given that you both were torn to shreds both metaphorically and literally, you think that if you have a tight grip on him that what? That he'll return to that uptight, rigid control that he's pushed upon himself for years?"
"Scott needs to be in control of his powers," Charles insisted firmly, "It's in essence what defines him because if he can't control it, then we all know what the outcome can be. Just because he believes that he's able to take the reigns of his powers doesn't mean that's truly how it is. There are a great many things happening inside of him Logan-things that we're only going to understand if you take a step back and allow him the self discovery."
"Just like you wanted me to step away and do the same about my past?" Logan let out an ironic laugh, "You know Chuck for a while there I thought that you actually were going to help me when you promised to give me the answers I was seeking out, but it was one wild goose chase after another…"
"You needed to discover your past on your own-at your own pace," Charles frowned back at him. "The brain can only endure so much torture before…"
"It erupts," Logan snapped back at him, "and that's exactly what Scott did when he realized what had happened to him. He'd been dealing with nightmares for months before we lost him. We all saw what he was experiencing after Jean's death yet…"
"I tried to reach him, but I couldn't," Charles argued with him, "You of all people know that I did my best to…"
"Maybe your best wasn't good enough because we still lost him," Logan snarled defensively, unable to hold back on the pent up frustrations he'd carried with him over losing Scott to begin with. "We all failed him and when you sent us out to the lake to retrieve Jean you never once indicated that Scott was still out there."
"I didn't know," Charles answered simply, "If I had known…"
"Would you have told us?" Logan questioned cynically, "Better yet would you have let me know considering that it's clear you don't feel I have any rights to a position in his life?"
"Logan, this isn't about you and Scott. It's about…" Charles began impatiently.
"It's about the time we all lost. You could've looked harder, could've sought him out before Jean damn near destroyed us all. Sure, we all wanted to save Jean, but what about Scott? What about the hell he went through in thinking we all abandoned him?" Logan's voice raised with anger. "Had I known…"
"It wouldn't have mattered at the time," Charles sighed heavily, "we can't change the past Logan."
"No, we can't, but we can work on improving the future," Logan conceded drawing in a breath, "starting with Scott and I being together. Despite your best efforts to put an end to it, he and I are rather close and that's not changing anytime soon."
"I didn't anticipate it would be that simple given that you both raced off into matrimony not that long ago," Charles met Logan's eyes in a challenge, "Although one would infer that the haste on your end was to cover up something deeper you're hoping won't cause a wedge between the both of you."
"Spare me the sermon," Logan couldn't help, but roll his eyes. "I know the lead you gave me on Victor was bullshit. That was merely a tactic to get me away from Scott, admit it."
"Scott needs to be surrounded by those who can help him right now. Neither one of us have any idea what's happening to him and being out here vulnerable can only mean…" Charles offered up with a worried crease in his brow, his blue eyes full of distain.
"Scott's finding himself. For the first time in a very long time he's happy. He's finally letting go of the guilt he's been carrying around with him for years, so why would you want to take that from him?" Logan questioned with an uneasiness in his voice.
"I'm not the one taking that from him," Charles hesitated, his blue eyes reaching into Logan, pushing past Logan's comfort zone to study him, "but you feel that you have, don't you?"
"Stop it," Logan warned with a snarl, feeling his impulses on edge when he glared at Charles. "Don't try to read me."
"Your physical signs are shouting it from the rooftop right now," Charles shrugged, moving fluidly across the room to take a seat in one of the chairs, "I don't have to read anything to know that you're feeling remorseful over what Scott's lost in his life."
"So then you know," Logan's eyes widened with surprise when he was met by the solemn expression on Xavier's face.
"About the child," Charles remarked somberly. He nodded, "yes."
"Yet you've never told him," Logan replied with an accusatory tone sensing there was far more to the story then anyone had realized.
"Would you have done so if you were in my position?" Charles raised his head up to see the anger behind Logan's features. "Before you draw the wrong conclusion about any of this, I should preface this by saying that I wasn't aware of the truth until Jean was out there trying to save us. It was only then that I felt it inside of her…"
"Why didn't you try to stop her?" Logan softened his tone, moving across the room to take a seat across from Charles. The memory of Jean's sacrifice overtook Logan, pulling him back to the moment when her seemingly inevitable ending shattered everyone, "Why didn't you convince her to return?"
"She'd already decided to give Scott a second chance at happiness…with you," Charles sighed with a small shake of his head. "I'd tried to convince her otherwise, but she was determined…"
"She was pregnant with his child," Logan snapped back at him unable to hold back on his rage, "there was an innocent life on the line."
"She wouldn't let me inside to fix this Logan. You were there when it happened. She closed me out of what was happening with her. As much as I tried to reach her, I couldn't change her mind. You saw how she'd shut us all out in those moments," Charles admitted honestly, his voice pained with the truth, "I tried to plead with her, but she was so stubborn. She was determined and…"
"Why?" Logan couldn't help, but ask with confusion settling in upon him. "Why sacrifice the child? Why would she do that when she realized what this would mean to her? To Scott?"
Charles remained silent, turning his eyes away from Logan.
"Because of what Scott and I have with each other? That's what you're going to say, isn't it? That it's because of what I did to destroy them?" Logan questioned somberly allowing the numbing sensation of guilt to return to the front burner of his mind, reminding him of all the times he'd sworn to Scott that he wouldn't hurt him willingly. In all those moments of doubt, in the self loathing he'd believed he hadn't been good enough for Scott, but now he had proof that validated that fear in Jean's sacrifice, "Is that why she did it? Her act of selflessness wasn't selfless at all, but rather means of punishing him for loving me? For what we shared? That's why she's still haunting him, isn't it? Torturing him by murdering their child wasn't enough when she wants to dig the knife deeper. She's trying to tear him to pieces completely to punish him for…"
"There are things you don't understand Logan," Charles attempted to explain to him.
"I understand cold blooded murder and that's exactly what Jean did when she made the decision to take Scott's child down under with her. Even if she was furious with me or Scott, she had no right to steal that child's life away like she did. What she did was…" Logan felt sickened by the thought of what Jean had done to hurt Scott.
"Jean's sacrifice was made out of the purest of intentions. She felt there was no other way at the time. She knew the inevitable outcome that we would all face should the situation take us under," Charles announced firmly hoping to dispel some of Logan's anger, "She was following her instincts, yet…"
"What?" Logan asked almost afraid to know the answer to his question.
"When Phoenix fully emerged, she was full of the most primitive of instincts. Passion, rage, vengeance," Charles took in an uneasy breath recounting the past, "You saw first hand what she was capable of…"
"Phoenix," Logan repeated remembering the last version of Jean he'd brought to her painful ending. He'd known at the time that she wasn't the woman he'd been fond of, wasn't the same person that Scott had loved, yet in her wrath and suffering, he knew there was no other way…
"She surrounded herself with the weight of the betrayal. It ate away at her, crawling deep under the surface, simmering to a boil until the fury unleashed itself breaking the woman we knew apart from within," Charles blurted out with raw honesty in his voice, "Unlike Jean she wasn't capable of forgiveness. She was in essence every bit as much a part of Jean as Jean was herself. She was the dark half, the voice that ignored reason and logic. Jean feared for her child, wishing to find another way, but Phoenix was full of vengeance wanting the both of you to suffer for causing her to feel lust, then betrayal."
"So you're saying that she…?" Logan's jaw dropped in horror knowing only too well the truth behind the realization.
"Phoenix guided Jean to the sacrifice, to take a stand, but in those final moments when Jean realized what she was doing-when Jean feared for her child's future, Phoenix took control of Jean guiding her actions in the hopes of hurting the both of you like she'd been hurt," Charles revealed somberly. "It was too much for her to take, so she channeled her rage into what happened at the lake."
"She took Jean and the baby from Scott because we had…" Logan slumped over in his seat when the weight of the moment hung over him. "She took away his child because…"
"She was out of her mind Logan," Charles added with a heaviness in his voice. "She was so lost inside of herself that she didn't realize what she was doing was wrong. She'd made a decision and…"
"You've known since that night, yet you've never said anything about it," Logan mouthed weakly, "Even now you would've kept it from Scott forever if you could've."
"Scott's in a very tentative place in his life right now," Charles noted with a small breath, "Given all that he's endured-all he was experiencing at the time, how could I tell him that not only had he lost Jean, but his child as well? He'd already been through so much in his young life…"
"He had fatherhood taken away from him…" Logan dropped his head shamefully, "because of what we have. Because I was weak and couldn't resist giving in to my wants, my desires…"
"Logan," Charles opened his mouth to say something more, but hesitated, "right now Scott needs to heal. He needs to be strong enough to experience his grief, to realize the weight of the decisions without going over the edge. I'd intended on helping ease him into that when you were away, but…"
"Once again you think that I stole that from him," Logan added with a heaviness in his heart. "I didn't allow him the opportunity to have a family…to…"
"Logan," Charles began shifting on the chair before him, "as it stands right now there are a lot of truths we're all dealing with. Each one holds meaning and importance, yet…"
"What?" Logan questioned.
"For Scott his journey is about to take him on a far different path, then yours will. There are things that he needs to understand, that he needs to process while you seek out Victor. Yes, he may want to join you-to have you take part in the quest for the truth about Jean, but when it gets down to it, he's not ready for that. He can't face that now in knowing what's still out there. He needs to have clarity and focus before…" Charles continued in a smooth, even tone.
"You're about to ask me to leave again, aren't you?" Logan let out an ironic laugh, "After all the times you begged me to stay…"
"It's in Scott's best interest if he's not distracted right now. He needs to focus on the things I must share with him. He needs to see that…" Charles attempted to explain the situation when there was a loud booming sound from the foyer.
"Logan's not going anywhere," Scott's voice announced his overwhelming presence. With it Logan noticed that the vase that had been on the pillar beside the door was floating around in the air. It spun recklessly, spiraling faster beside Scott until finally it was slammed to the ground by an invisible force causing both men to be on edge in the moment, "and there's no point in trying to make him leave because right now the only person I want gone is you Charles."
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