It's Not Me (8/?) Scott/Logan
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: NC-17.
Word Count: 6478
Summary: Sequel to Starting Over. Coming home again is never easy especially when changes and secrets are all around you. Scott and Logan deal with their beginnings and an uncertain future when an old threat
Sunlight filtered in through the window alerting Scott to the fact that it was morning all over again. He let out a small groan, rolling onto his stomach and reaching out across the bed for Logan. Much to his dismay he discovered that he was alone, wrapped up in pillows and blankets on their bed without the man he loved. Raising his head up Scott's blue eyes searched the room, hoping to discover Logan preparing to return to bed again, to join Scott in a lazy morning. A smile tickled over the corners of Scott's mouth, anticipating a day of lazy passion with Logan when suddenly Scott realized it was a school day.
"Shit," he cursed sitting upright on the bed and looking to the time. Discovering that it was almost ten, Scott realized he was very late for his first two classes. The third was halfway over, but if he was able to get moving he could still salvage the situation. Throwing the blankets off of his legs, Scott felt the beginnings of a panic overtake him when he continued to curse, "Shit, shit, shit!"
Rushing into the bathroom, Scott planned on getting his teeth brushed and a quick clean up job done. However, before he could follow through on such an act, he noticed a note taped to the mirror in big, bold, black letters.
"Get back into bed!" he read aloud, immediately recognizing the sloppy handwriting as Logan's. He reached for the note, pulling it off of the mirror and discovering there was writing on the back of the paper.
"I mean it," Scott continued to read to himself, "get back into bed. Class is covered."
"Covered," Scott repeated with confusion at Logan's cryptic words. Still not one to be deterred Scott walked over to the toilet and noticed a note on top of the lid.
"Damn it Scott," he mouthed reading the note and pulling the paper off of the toilet lid, "Get back into bed or else!"
"Lovely," Scott laughed lightly, seeing the tiny teeth that Logan had drawn on the bottom of the page in an attempt to appear menacing. They were scribbled on sloppily, done in a red marker, but they only served to amuse Scott after he'd finished up in the bathroom. Making his way over to the vanity, he spotted another note on the mirror.
"Don't make me kick your ass Summers," a blue post-it note warned over the center of the mirror.
"Please," Scott pulled the note down before noticing an envelope with his name on it on top of the dresser. "Seriously Logan this is a bit much."
Wondering what else Logan had planned, Scott reached for the envelope tearing into it half expecting another threatening letter warning him to get his ass back into bed or else Logan would inflict some kind of bodily harm upon him. However when Scott pulled open the top of the envelope he noticed green writing on the back of the envelope with a smiley face underneath the words.
"Reason enough to make you want to stay in bed the rest of the morning until I return," Scott read aloud, dipping his fingers into the envelope further to discover a few photos neatly tucked inside. Curious Scott began to turn them around, half anticipating to discover Logan's angry face glaring at him with blades distended in warning or even Logan flicking him off, but instead Scott noticed a half naked Logan standing in front of the bathroom mirror with Scott's digital camera in hand.
"What the….?" Scott's eyes widened as he flipped through the photos suddenly discovering the one that Logan had clearly taken after he'd discarded his jeans in the hopes of serving it up as the ultimate distraction for Scott. Gulping down, Scott practically choked at the sight of Logan's explicit photo. Scott had to admit that it had undoubtedly given him plenty of reasons to want to return to bed underneath the blankets. Still surprised by Logan's uncharacteristic move, Scott bit into his lower lip, immediately responding to Logan's brazen attempt at distraction. He stumbled backwards into the dresser, trying to quell his immediate reaction when he felt something fall off of the dresser onto the floor.
Looking down Scott spotted a book before him, a journal of sorts with a black binding. Curiosity carried over Scott wondering if perhaps it was another message from Logan, but before he could investigate it further, he was interrupted by the sound of tapping on the bedroom door. Reaching for his glasses on top of the dresser, Scott secured them in place, hoping to keep his rouse going long enough to pull Logan into the room with him for a little while. Thoughts of what he would do to Logan once inside caused the color to return to his cheeks, the amusement to settle in over his abdomen in realizing that despite all Logan's protests, the post-it notes and the photos were a clear sign that Scott had been rubbing off on Logan after all. Laughter carried up over the back of Scott's throat when he reached for the doorknob before him.
"I saw your notes and I swear Logan if you even think about being a tease after those photos you left me, then so help me I'm going to…" Scott mouthed opening the door in an attempt to deal with Logan's playful means of manipulation, but before he could throw out the indecent proposal that was on the tip of his tongue he realized it wasn't Logan at all. Seeing Charles eye him curiously, Scott gulped harder, his face growing a crimson shade with his mentor before him.
"I take it you were hoping I was someone else," Charles noted fighting to suppress the hint of amusement in his voice. "Is this a bad time Scott?"
"No," Scott replied bringing one hand up through his messy hair. He stepped back inviting Charles into the bedroom with a small gulp, "Sorry it's a bit chaotic in here, but I wasn't really expecting company considering that…"
"You're supposed to be resting," Charles nodded in understanding, "Logan left strict orders for you not to be disturbed this morning."
"He did?" Scott raised a curious brow before tucking the photos into his pajama pants pocket in order to avoid an uneasy situation with Charles in the room.
"He's rather bossy when he wants to be, but for what it's worth I think he made the right decision in allowing you to rest. The color's returned to your face. You look like you're feeling better this morning," Charles noted circling around the room in a moment of contemplation.
"Yeah," Scott continued to run his fingers through his hair nervously, "I am. Much better actually."
"I'm glad to hear it," Charles smiled politely, his blue eyes filled with questions he hadn't been brave enough to ask in the moment between them.
"Look…I'm sorry about yesterday," Scott cleared his throat uneasily, "I didn't mean for…well, you know…"
"There's no need for an apology," Charles waved his hand dismissively, "at least not on your end. When we were talking I wasn't exactly being as supportive as I should've been to what you were saying. You had every right to feel betrayed and…"
"No," Scott shook his head firmly knowing the night before he'd overstepped his boundaries with his mentor, "I was out of line. I know that now and I'm sorry I said what I said. I know you were just trying to protect me."
"Even so I should've told you about Logan," Charles conceded with another breath, "You deserved that much from me. I'm sorry."
"I understand why you were trying to keep me from the memory," Scott sighed taking a seat on the edge of the bed, "Even though I don't necessarily agree with your decision, I know that you've always been looking out for me. You've taken care of me when I had nothing, gave me a reason and purpose, so I was wrong to doubt you. I was out of line yesterday and I'm sorry."
"Scott, again you don't have to," Charles opened his mouth in protest.
"Yes I do," Scott rubbed his hands together nervously, "After all you've done for me over the years, I was out of line. I never, ever should've accused you of all those horrible things. After all the time we lost with one another when I thought you were gone, the last thing I wanted to do was argue with you."
"Scott," Charles began with an uneasiness in his tone.
"When I heard the news of what happened and I thought that Jean destroyed you, that you were dead…," Scott choked up on his words, "it did something to me. I hated myself for bringing this upon everyone. When I thought it was because of me that you were…"
"Scott, you weren't responsible for any of this," Charles frowned sensing the tears threatening to reveal themselves in Scott's eyes behind his glasses.
"It felt that way. You have no idea how many times I found myself wishing I could turn back the hands of time, that I could somehow go back to change things. I thought if only I'd done things differently…" Scott choked up on his emotions, "It doesn't matter now though. You're alive and you're here. That's what matters. That's what everyone needed, what each one of us had been praying for…"
"We were devastated when we believed you were gone as well Scott. Losing you tore our foundation to pieces and…" Charles explained drawing in a breath, "if I ever made you feel like life without you would be any different than that, then I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel as if you didn't belong, as if you weren't a part of our team, of our family."
"Family," Scott repeated with the beginnings of a smile carrying over the corners of his mouth, "you're the closest thing to a father that I've ever known growing up. You've taught me so much, showed me so many things that have shaped the person I've become. If I hadn't had you, then there's no telling where I would've wound up in my life. Everything that's ever meant anything in my life is because of your guidance and support…"
"Scott, this isn't necessary," Charles cleared his throat, unable to remain settled in Scott's declaration.
"Yes it is. I feel horrible for what I did yesterday and even if it was beyond my control, I never, ever should've spoken to you that way. I know better. I was wrong and I realize that," Scott took in a breath, "What happened it wasn't me-not the real me. I know how ridiculous that might sound, but so much has been weighing in upon me. Lately I have been consumed by these thoughts-by everything that's happened to me and in my frustration I've been seeking out answers. I've been trying to understand it all, but I've gotten nowhere with it. For the life of me I can't figure out what's happening to me and it terrifies me."
"Because of what happened with Jean?" Charles questioned already knowing the answer.
Scott nodded, "And because of Stryker-because of the experiments they ran on me. When I lost my powers I started to get flashes of the past, memories of the torture, of what I'd endured. At the time I wasn't certain what they were, but now…"
"There's no hiding from them in your subconscious any longer," Charles frowned when Scott's face twisted with anguish.
"What they did to me…" Scott stopped himself with a shudder, "I know it's nothing compared to the ways they tortured Logan, but at the same time I just feel like…"
"Like what?" Charles questioned.
"Like there are so many unanswered questions. There are so many pieces that are still missing, things that I haven't processed just yet and…Mystique said something to Logan. She told him something about…" Scott paused uncertain in how to approach the subject with Charles.
"About what?" Charles asked patiently.
"About me," Scott divulged at long last, "about what's been happening to all of us. About the reason why we were all taken to that facility to begin with. I know it was a long time ago, but there are so many questions-things that I know you've been wondering about as well. When they had you captive…"
"There are a lot of uncertainties in my mind as well about the experience," Charles explained quietly, "A great many questions that still remain."
"But you know some of the answers, do you not? You were there for longer then I was the last time. Certainly they must've shown you something, they must've revealed their agenda and…" Scott's voice cracked with concern.
"I don't think now is the time to began traveling down that road Scott. In the search for answers it's easy to cloud your mind with the past instead of focusing on what's happening in the present," Charles counseled him. "It's a temptation that one could surrender to and in doing so they lose sight of what's ahead of them."
"I'm not looking to bury myself in the past, but rather I want to understand," Scott sighed heavily, "Things weren't the same after Jean did what she did. Everyone ended up changing. We all were impacted by her madness, by Phoenix…"
"Which we will all have to deal with in healing," Charles added, "the kind of healing that we can only do by focusing on this one day at a time.
"I don't know if I can live that way," Scott blurted out honestly, "given what I remember and what transpired after my last encounter with Jean…"
"There's something you aren't telling me about when you went to her. Something has indeed changed," Charles deduced causing Scott to tense up knowing that things troubling him couldn't be hidden forever especially after his outburst the previous evening.
"I don't know what's happening to me, but I'm different. I'm not the same. At first I thought it was nothing, but then as time goes on, I'm seeing that I'm not me. It's like I've become something that's someone else," Scott finally blurted out realizing that the truth was a burden too heavy to bear for him any longer. He brought his hand up to his glasses preparing to reveal his secret to Charles after weeks of trying to conceal it from his mentor.
"Hank told me you've asked to your medical records sealed," Charles noted in an attempt to keep the conversation going between them, "After the results of your first CAT scan were in he made it evidently clear that you were very specific about not sharing them with…"
"He told you about them against my wishes, didn't he?" Scott frowned knowing of the promise Hank had made to keep Scott's secret. Although it had been asking a lot, Hank had been very sympathetic and understanding to what was troubling Scott given that neither one of them could explain all that had taken place.
"He didn't have to," Charles continued to explain before Scott could get angry with Hank for betraying his wishes, "I saw the truth in his response when I'd questioned it. I was worried about you for a while, but after last night I knew that I couldn't keep skirting around this issue between us Scott."
"How long have you known?" Scott asked taking in a nervous breath.
"Not long," Charles paused giving Scott a long once over, "how about you?"
"I had suspicions about what she might've done to me, but I was too afraid to investigate it further. It wasn't until Victor abducted me that I realized there was a possibility things had changed," Scott exhaled slowly, allowing his fears to take a backseat to the moment. He rubbed his palms together nervously, taking in a long, exaggerated breath knowing that everything would change when the truth finally revealed itself. There would be no more hiding once Scott revealed the secret he'd been holding onto since his return to the school.
With a nervous pinch in the center of his stomach Scott reached up and pulled his glasses away from his face, revealing his deep, blue eyes to his mentor at long last. He braced himself for the surprised reaction from Charles, but when Charles looked to him with the same, sympathetic, controlled, knowing glance he'd been met with before a great many times in the past, Scott felt a momentary ease and continued to reveal his secret, "When Jean took my powers away from me at the lake I'd never anticipated their return. I'd accepted that I was no longer a part of this life. I moved on, even put together another life for myself, trying to rebuild with what was left."
"In Ohio," Charles noted.
Scott nodded, "Yeah, I worked in accounting and was doing rather well. At least that's what I thought before I met up with Logan again. After that everything changed. I realized what I was missing in denying myself the truth about who I am. I knew in my heart that with or without my powers I couldn't escape the truth inside of me."
"That you belonged back here?" Charles inquired, seemingly calm in the wake of Scott's revelation.
"At first I wasn't sure what to expect. When I could see the colors, feel the world around me coming in from a different perspective, I thought I'd imagined it. After a while I realized that I was able to see everything around me like this without fear, without consequences," Scott motioned to his eyes, feeling them adjust to the daylight that filtered in from the window. He peered down at Charles momentarily before focusing on the day outside of the walls of the school. Rising to his feet Scott crossed the room, trying to quell the nervousness inside of him. "I thought that everything was going to be like this forever and I'd accepted it."
"Which is why you ran away," Charles deduced, "why you felt you couldn't come back after the encounter with Jean."
Scott nodded.
"I never anticipated having my powers back again, but then when I was held captive…" Scott shivered at the memory that lingered on his mind, "When Victor had tried to kill me, I knew that something had changed. Something was different, but I didn't want to think about what it would mean. I just wanted to escape, yet…"
"You found yourself met with a new challenge," Charles nodded in an attempt at understanding. "Magneto mentioned he'd found you at the compound. He said that you had been with your powers at the time of the escape. I'd just assumed that…"
"I can control it now," Scott lowered the glasses in his hand to place them on top of the dresser beside him. He turned around to face Charles fully with desperate eyes, "at least that's the impression I'm getting after the CAT scans. The brain damage is no longer an issue. It's as if it never was considering that it's…"
"Something I never anticipated happening," Charles noted in his best business as usual voice, offering support to Scott in his confession, "but after Jean…"
"Do you think she…?" Scott questioned painfully biting back on his fears, "Do you think it's possible that somehow when she stole my powers away from me that she healed me? After all this time of being broken, of not being able to control it…"
"Everything we know dictates that isn't possible, but given that we live a life of impossibilities Scott…" Charles' words tapered off.
"I thought she was trying to destroy me, that she ripped my powers away from me to torture me, to make me suffer for…" Scott's words escaped him. He gazed out the window once again.
"For what?" Charles inquired.
"Logan," Scott breathed shamefully, "because she knew about Logan and I. I didn't realize that it might've come to her at the time before we lost her, but after she started haunting me I knew that she knew."
"Scott," Charles opened his mouth in protest.
"She felt the lust in my heart. She had to have known that he and I felt the connection, that we…" Scott shivered bringing his arms around his body tightly, "she must've felt it, yet when she came to me again-when she took my powers from me I was broken, torn to pieces, but over time I became…"
"Stronger," Charles finished for him.
Scott nodded, "I can't explain it, but it feels like I can turn it on and off. I couldn't do that before, but that's only the beginning. There are other things, other changes that I hadn't anticipated-things that there are no reason for. I never should've been able to do what I can do now, but I'm able to. Every day I'm changing-I know something's inside of me, turning me into someone else, yet…"
"What Scott?" Charles inquired sensing Scott's hesitation.
"I don't know what it's leading to," Scott closed his eyes and let out a long breath, "I don't know whether to be thankful and trust it or be weary and fearful for what could be around the corner. It all seems too good to be true, too far from where Jean should've wanted me to be with what I…"
"I don't know what to think about this," Charles took in a nervous breath before placing his hands on the arms of his wheelchair, "but I'd like to believe that in spite of all the misery Phoenix surrounded herself with that there was something inside of her that was still very much Jean. I'd like to believe that there was good that propelled everyone to returning to what they once were…"
Scott eyes snapped open, his mouth preparing to say something more when he witnessed Charles pulling himself up from the chair, his legs positioned on the ground before him. In a few seconds of shaky contemplation, Charles was on his feet again making a small movement towards Scott.
"There is no other explanation," Charles informed him with a patient, understanding tone, "I wish I had the answers, but…"
"She healed you as well," Scott's eyes widened with surprise, "All this time you've known that…"
"I wasn't sure of anything. When they came for me I had a great many questions much like you do right now, but in finding the answers…" Charles sighed heavily, "it seems that you and I are both in the same situation."
"So you've been pretending that nothing's changed? You've been hiding the truth just as…?" Scott couldn't help, but open his mouth in stunned realization with each step Charles took.
"Just as you have been because like you I've felt it would be easier on everyone if I understood it before I revealed it to them," Charles softened his voice. "I've carried on with the deception in the hopes of protecting them, of keeping them out of harm's way just as you have. Sometimes to protect the ones we love, we must be inclined to deceive them."
"Deceptions," Scott let out an ironic laugh, "It would seem that those were the very things that created this situation to begin with."
"Regardless of their repercussions at times we're forced to make difficult decisions, to submit to choices that aren't optimal to what we want the world to be," Charles continued in a poignant tone, "We are forced to face a painful moment where we can continue down the same path we've been on for most of our lives or we make a sacrifice to save those who mean the most to us."
"Like Jean did," Scott thought back to Jean's attempt to save them all back by the lake. He turned his attention to Charles and sighed, "Out of her sacrifice chaos followed."
"In that chaos we were given a second chance at living again-at becoming something greater than we'd imagined," Charles took another step forward. "Although we mourn the loss of Jean, we both know that the gifts she's given us are beyond anything we'd ever imagined."
"But are they truly from her or…?" Scott's words tapered off.
"I can see you've been weighing this out in your mind for quite some time Scott," Charles pondered aloud, "but in seeing that I'd hoped in time you would at least come to me instead of trying to face this on your own."
"I'm not on my own. I have Logan," Scott answered simply, a smile of relief carrying over him in the moment at the thought of his lover.
"Logan," Charles nodded quietly, "then I anticipate he knows everything you've been dealing with?"
"He's been here for me from the beginning of the change. When I was powerless he stood by me, pulled me out of my comfort zone to realize where I belonged," Scott took a step in closer to Charles, his blue eyes filled with questions and curiosities.
"There are a great many answers we're all seeking out Scott," Charles informed him with a sudden seriousness, "stemming from questions that may lead us to places we aren't ready to go."
"With Jean," Scott lowered his eyes, feeling a nagging guilt at the mention of his former flame.
"Jean's descent into madness doesn't erase the woman she once was," Charles reached out to place his hand on Scott's shoulder supportively. "There was a lot of good in her, a lot of wonderful things that stemmed from the both of you being together-things that might not make sense just yet, but with some clarity and time they will."
"It still doesn't explain this," Scott motioned between them, "If this was because of her, then how did this happen? Was she truly the key to bringing these changes or was it something darker? Did it have to do with that place you were being held? Where Logan and I were all those years ago?"
"Scott, I know that you have questions right now, but…" Charles opened his mouth to attempt to soothe Scott's concerns.
"Are we supposed to just accept that this is what we're meant for in starting over? Do we embrace it readily? Reject it?" Scott continued to ponder aloud. "Are we wrong to consider trusting it? Should we simply accept it or challenge everything that's happening, fight to understand it?"
"I think you already know the answer to your questions Scott," Charles met his eyes again, "You know the path that you must take on this quest for information."
"I have to go back there," Scott bit back on his words, "I have to return to where it all began. I need to see…"
"Going down that path will bring up new questions, leading to other answers," Charles couldn't help, but frown. "in doing that you may rediscover things that you aren't prepared for-things that aren't desirable."
"If it's the only way to find clarity and peace of mind, then who am I to reject it?" Scott couldn't help, but turn his attention to Charles again, "Unless of course you already know the answers."
"Even I do not have all the answers Scott. I can merely provide you with support and encouragement in hoping to bring reason into the situation, but…" Charles added quickly.
"You won't stop me from seeking out the truth," Scott half questioned, "you won't try to stop me from taking that journey into the past?"
"Once you open the door, you need to be certain that you're ready for what may lay ahead. To gain the insight you're longing for, you may uncover a darkness you weren't prepared for," Charles took a step back, his gaze returning to the wheelchair he'd been seated in previously. "Once you know the truth, it will be harder to shut it out."
"I don't want to shut it out. I want to know what's happening to me, what will become of me," Scott continued with a small sigh, "What I'll be capable of."
"You know in your heart what you are capable of Scott. Accept the gift that Jean has given you in offering you a second chance. Most aren't as lucky as we've been in being granted that," Charles returned to his chair, settling into it reluctantly, "We can work together to unlock the secrets of what's happened if you would like, but in doing so we'll have to dedicate everything to the discovery process."
"Then let's do it," Scott decided eagerly, "Let's get started on going back to where this began-to seeing what's happening and…"
"There will be no room for distractions," Charles explained motioning to Logan's leather jacket draped over the bottom of the bed. "If you are going to immerse yourself in understanding and clarity, then you're going to need to do this all the way Scott. You'll have to let go of the things that you think you know about the man you are and…"
"And what?" Scott couldn't help but frown, "Are you trying to say that I have to give up Logan?"
"I'm saying that if you make the choice to return to the truth, then you may find that other things in your life as it stands may not fit into that journey," Charles explained cryptically before turning to Scott again, "You must decide what it is you value more in the discovery process the life you left behind or the one that's readily available to you ready to have you begin again."
XXXXX
Logan looked to the book sitting on top of the desk, staring at it as if it would leap up and bite him if he held it for far too long. Although he'd hated to admit it, he wasn't prepared for this situation at all. Yes, he'd promised himself he would get through it for Scott's benefit, but it wasn't him. He could easily tear an entire army to shreds with minimal effort, could send buildings crashing down to the ground around him in a matter of minutes, yet two and a half hours into teaching Scott's classes, he found himself completely out of his element. Now seated in front of the advanced English class, he couldn't help, but feel slightly intimidated in the moment. It was something that the mighty Wolverine would never admit to, but with scrutinizing eyes and whispers carrying over the unusually silent room, Logan couldn't help, but wish for some kind of reprieve. Raising his chin ever so slightly, he noticed the way that the students were watching him expectantly, looking even more eager for instruction than the last class had been. Yes, before it had been early and the other classes seemed happy not to have Scott in for the morning, but this class-Scott's honor students seemed to be hanging on bated breath waiting for him to screw up somehow.
Clearing his throat, Logan attempted to sound calm and authoritative in the moment, "So what is it exactly you were all working on before today?"
"We were constructing the beginnings of our thesis papers for the semester," one of the students explained pointedly. Her cheeks puffed up in a smug expression, making Logan really regret even bothering to cover for Scott in the first place. That was his first mistake. Then again, why had he allowed Marie to leave earlier as well? She had offered to help him get through the day, to easily make the transition for him into classroom instructor while Scott was in bed.
"Bed," he thought to himself, suddenly very envious of the position he'd left Scott in wrapped up in blankets and pillows, savoring whatever deliciously wonderful dream that had him smiling this morning. When Logan had awakened to that stupid alarm clock Scott kept at the side of their bed, guiding him up each and every morning with a jump start and a skip to the showers, Logan had thought of the many times he'd wanted to slice it in half. Yes, it sounded like a wonderful fantasy, one that he'd come close to making a reality this morning when Scott hadn't awakened. At first Logan thought of nudging Scott, of making him turn the damned thing off and appease Logan's return to sleep, but in remembering the night Scott had, Logan had opted a different approach. He'd held back on destroying the alarm clock, instead opting to unplug it before climbing out of bed. He'd gotten cleaned up, left a bunch of warning notes for Scott and headed down to class. It had been completely uncharacteristic for Logan, but it was manageable-at least it had been before A.P. English began.
"Sounds fascinating," Logan managed to get out, returning to the conversation he'd opened up with the class. While he didn't care a thing about thesis papers or anything else that followed down that line of discussion, he knew he had to think fast. He still had about a half an hour to fill with something, anything to keep the interest of the students who were more interested in theology and great classic literature instead of battles and defensive strategies. Damn Scott for having a meltdown the night before. Though at this rate Logan was going to have one before the day was over.
"Sure," the girl who had responded rolled her eyes. She eyed him with heavy scrutiny, her nails tapping on the top of her desk as Logan cleared his throat.
"So what else has everyone been working on?" Logan questioned looking away from the student who'd spoken up. "See any good movies lately?"
"Movies?" the girl frowned back at him, "Seriously?"
"What?" Logan shrugged his shoulders, "Works of fiction can make great movies."
"Like what?" another student questioned from the other side of the room.
"Like this one," Logan reached for the book on the desk. He held it up, waving it around in the air for a moment or two. "Anyone see this movie?"
"Have you?" the stubborn, impossible girl before him had questioned.
"Actually as a matter of fact I have," Logan stood up, hoping to convey a presence of authority in the room. He circled around the desk, hoping to prove himself. It seemed to do the trick when half of the students sat up straighter in fear, the other half intrigued by his approach, "and I must say it was pretty good. Although when I read the book years ago I found it to be a bit boring."
"You? Read books?" the girl before him questioned with a huff, "And here I thought all you knew how to do was fight."
"Combat is important to master, but it all begins in here," Logan brought his hand up to his head, "If you aren't able to process everything inside with knowledge, then you're always going to be two steps behind everyone else. Reading is important."
"What's the last book you read?" another student inquired, smiling up at him curiously.
"Honestly," he paused leaning back against the desk and seeing the way all eyes were upon him. Yes, it had been uncomfortable, but for a brief, flickering moment of ease, Logan found that he'd captured the attention of almost everyone in the room, gaining their curiosities over their scrutiny, "I believe it was The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud. Perhaps you've all heard of him."
"You've read Freud?" another student asked with wide eyes.
"Sure, who hasn't?" Logan shrugged his shoulders before redirecting his attention to his biggest critic now that she'd grown unusually silent, "Have you?"
"Freud's horribly overrated," she waved her hand dismissively.
"Overrated or not, he certainly put a lot of food for thought out there," Logan circled around Scott's desk to take a seat once again, "but then again, isn't that what learning is all about? Taking ideas that others have, learning from them, expanding on the knowledge and forming your own opinions on the material?"
"So what other books have you read?" another student questioned, leaning forward across the front of her desk with obvious interest.
"Plenty of them," Logan confessed with the beginnings of a smile carrying over his features, "they're good for keeping you entertained especially on winter nights up north in Canada when the last thing you want to do is go outside."
It didn't take long before discussion picked up in the classroom, bringing it to life with bristling conversation about books and their value versus the impact of Hollywood and it's eagerness to transform a classic into a big budget film. While it was a simple conversation, one that Logan hadn't really given much thought to, things had picked up, transforming from a tough crowd, to a relaxed environment where the students all offered their opinions and let go of seriousness for a while. Each one of them contributed, even the girl who had been ready to shred him to pieces at the beginning of class. Before Logan knew it the class was over, sending the students laughing and smiling out into the hallway to enjoy the rest of their afternoon. Circling around to the board behind him, Logan couldn't help, but savor the small victory, appreciating it for all it was worth when he heard a voice from behind him.
"You weren't at all what I'd anticipated when I walked in here today, but I guess you're not that bad," the girl who had been ragging Logan on most of the class finally admitted giving him that same, scrutinizing look she'd carried with her earlier in the class. "I suppose it wouldn't be completely awful if you were here again another day or so."
"Thanks for the support," Logan fought to contain his amusement in his personal teaching victory for the day, "I appreciate it."
"Sure," the girl gave him another look before exiting the classroom and leaving Logan to finish up.
"Bravo," Scott's voice caught Logan off guard when Logan looked up to see his lover standing before him dressed in a prim and proper black and white pinstriped button down shirt with a black turtleneck underneath and khaki slacks.
"How long have you been out there?" Logan questioned curiously, seeing the amusement overtaking Scott.
"Long enough to see you talk one hell of a good game Logan. They were actually listening to you and learning," Scott smiled back at him, "although I don't ever recall you mentioning reading War and Peace before."
"I saw it on your bookshelves once," Logan shrugged simply. He circled around the desk bringing his thick arms across his oversized chest, "I noticed it was collecting dust and I opened the front cover. That should count for something."
"I suppose," Scott conceded making a small movement into the room, "although the way you worked over this crowd, I'm starting to think you're a natural."
"Are you feeling feverish?" Logan questioned bridging the distance between them and reaching out to touch Scott's forehead. "I thought I left explicit orders for you to stay in bed."
"I received them," Scott couldn't help, but offer up with a crooked smirk, "and then some. I found your photos."
"Photos?" Logan questioned feigning innocence while adjusting the rolled up sleeves on his burgundy colored shirt. A low growl built up in the back of his throat, a sexy, cryptic smirk carrying over his lips in an upward press, "What photos?"
"You know what photos I'm referring to," Scott wiggled his brow suggestively from behind his glasses, "They were a real eye opener this morning."
"You were supposed to be in bed," Logan reminded him simply, "I told you that…"
"I know what you told me, but at the same time I couldn't let go of this sudden curiosity to see how you were holding up in the classroom. When I ran into Marie on the way down here, I figured you'd be in over your head," Scott divulged reaching out to slide his arms around Logan's shoulders eagerly, "but I must admit I was very impressed. Do you know that student who just left has yet to say something nice to me?"
"It is the first week," Logan shrugged bringing his arm around Scott's lean, muscular torso, "maybe it takes her a while to warm up to new things."
"She told me my methods were sophomoric at best on the first day," Scott couldn't help, but laugh, "I suppose that stems from the fact that her IQ is twice what mine is, but still…."
"Wow twice the size of yours," Logan's eyes widened, feigning surprise, "Now I am impressed."
"Very funny," Scott poked him in the ribs. Detangling himself from Logan's arms, he moved to the door again, bringing it to a close behind him, "though I have to admit that right now I really didn't come down here to discuss the size of my…IQ."
"What's on your mind?" Logan questioned seeing Scott reach down to carefully lock the classroom door. He reached up to twist the blinds on the window to a close before facing Logan once again.
"If you really have to ask, then perhaps I haven't been living up to your expectations in the spontaneous lover department," Scott reached up to tear the glasses from his face. His blue eyes beckoned Logan, drawing him out from within when Scott winked at him, "We did after all only touch on the surface of that detention fantasy you've had going the other day."
"Detention fantasy," Logan repeated with a hard gulp. His eyes issued Scott a long once over, unable to take him in fast enough in the moment. In an instant, Logan stepped back sitting on the corner of Scott's sturdy desk all the while revealing his teeth in a slow, building smirk, "Hmm…I vaguely recall something along those lines."
"Vaguely," Scott shook his head feigning insult, "that's not very encouraging."
"So enlighten me," Logan leaned back ever so slightly. He stretched his legs out across the classroom floor, his jean clad thighs parting to invite Scott to step in closer to him. With lust pumping his blood harder through his veins Logan wiggled his brow suggestively and smirked wider then before.
"I'm sure Marie told you that now begins my prep hour," Scott set his glasses down on one of the desktops. Bringing his hands up over the front of his button down shirt, Scott kept his eager eyes on Logan's, hoping to entice Logan into taking the bait he was offering.
"Prep hour," Logan repeated tossing out another long perusal in Scott's direction. He leaned back on the desk further, propping himself up on his elbows when Scott discarded the far too proper pinstriped shirt he'd donned for such an occasion. Logan licked his lips, unable to repress the sudden thoughts consuming him when Scott turned around to place the black and white material on the desk beside his glasses. Logan's gaze dipped down, taking an involuntary glance at Scott's perfectly toned bottom, remembering only too well how much he enjoyed watching it flex and contract, moving with the same grace and fluidity that Scott put into everything he touched. Yes, it was certainly a distraction, Logan reasoned when Scott seemed to feel Logan's eyes upon him. Scott stood upright, wrinkling his nose when he turned around to face Logan fully.
"Like what you see?" Scott couldn't help, but question at Logan's response.
"So far," Logan stretched out across the desk, leaning back a bit further, "So what about this prep hour?"
"It's where I take the time for preparations in lesson planning before my next class," Scott informed him with a simple shrug of his shoulders and took a step forward.
"Which is when?" Logan's tongue ran over the tip of his tooth, thinking of how Scott was still dressed in far too many layers to even begin indulging the fantasy that had played out in his mind for the last few weeks.
"It's been cancelled," Scott explained simply, "I figured you've been through enough today, so you deserved the rest of the afternoon off."
"Off," Logan repeated clearing his throat and eyeing Scott intently.
Although Logan knew he should make a move, he found himself eager to see how far Scott would push the envelope first. He felt the first wave of Scott's desire come crashing down over him, hanging in the air with a thick, enticing aroma. Granted it was a far cry from the man Scott had been when they'd first started fooling around with one another at the school, but Logan liked it. A few days ago they'd experimented in role playing, having Logan in the submissive, naughty fantasy, but now perched upon Scott's desk, thinking of all the ways he'd like to reverse their roles, Logan couldn't help but feel enthralled. He cleared his throat, shifted on the desk, feeling his jeans far too restrictive when Scott's hands settled in on his thighs.
"I thought maybe we could share a few lesson plans with one another, or maybe…" Scott leaned forward, breath hovering over the side of Logan's neck. Scott's fingers fanned out over Logan's powerful thigh, curving inward with naughty intentions.
"Yes?" Logan asked lazily, taking in a labored breath. He closed his eyes, losing himself to the sensations of Scott bristling over his skin, enveloping him in desire all over again.
"We could stick to a rigid, structured lesson plan or we could improvise," Scott's tongue traced over the side of Logan's neck, nipping and suckling the skin when Scott's hand settled in over the center of Logan's lap. "Your choice."
"My choice?" Logan took in a deep, intoxicating inhale, savoring the mark he'd made upon Scott since they'd reunited. There was no mistaking that Scott was his in every way imaginable. Yes, they'd started out lusting one another, but beyond the lust even now Logan knew it ran so much deeper between them. Their connection was one of the most intense things Logan had experienced in his life and there was no denying that every time Scott was near him he couldn't stop wanting more.
"That's right," Scott pulled back ever so slightly, "Just say the word and we'll make it happen."
"You'll do anything I ask of you?" Logan wiggled his brow suggestively, his hand pressing into the desk beneath him, thinking about all the times Scott had shunned the idea of christening it in the past. Yes the other day they'd engaged in some enthralling activities with one another in the classroom, but the desk was off limits. Scott hadn't wanted to chance things when they'd immersed themselves in fantasy. Today however, Logan found himself wanting to fling the books to the ground, strip the desktop of everything else upon it completely and then do the same with Scott. Once Scott was naked and ready, Logan would toss him over the top of the sacred desk and show him a whole new meaning of passion and dominance.
"Give me an order Logan," Scott mouthed, biting down on Logan's earlobe. One hand rose to the center of Logan's chest, the other connecting with the zipper on his pants in a possessive grasp, "Tell me what you want me to do."
"I think you know what I like," Logan arched backwards. He tipped his head to the side, feeling Scott's mouth hovering over his in a teasing press.
"Say it and I won't refuse," Scott slurred dipping down to kiss Logan eagerly.
Logan reached out securing his fingers through Scott's hair, tangling it tightly. Biting down on Scott's lip, he felt the first taste of blood skimming through the surface. Scott winced slightly, his body tensing up with the flicker of pain before Logan's tongue traced over the wound, knowing it had already sealed itself. Still in having the taste of Scott on his lips, Logan pushed himself upon Scott roughly forcing Scott's mouth open wider to accommodate Logan's thirst for him. Logan's tongue thrust inside taking a greedy, lingering taste of the wet heat the surrounded him. Returning the intensity, Scott's fingers scraped over Logan's chest roughly. Logan growled, body brought to life by Scott's other hand working down the zipper on his jeans, by Scott's fingers sliding in underneath the material.
"You'd better not because I've got big plans for you," Logan growled, reaching out to seize Scott possessively now that Scott had managed to break the day away from the mundane to offer up temptation in it's sweetest form on top of Scott's simple, otherwise boring wooden desk.
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: NC-17.
Word Count: 6478
Summary: Sequel to Starting Over. Coming home again is never easy especially when changes and secrets are all around you. Scott and Logan deal with their beginnings and an uncertain future when an old threat
Sunlight filtered in through the window alerting Scott to the fact that it was morning all over again. He let out a small groan, rolling onto his stomach and reaching out across the bed for Logan. Much to his dismay he discovered that he was alone, wrapped up in pillows and blankets on their bed without the man he loved. Raising his head up Scott's blue eyes searched the room, hoping to discover Logan preparing to return to bed again, to join Scott in a lazy morning. A smile tickled over the corners of Scott's mouth, anticipating a day of lazy passion with Logan when suddenly Scott realized it was a school day.
"Shit," he cursed sitting upright on the bed and looking to the time. Discovering that it was almost ten, Scott realized he was very late for his first two classes. The third was halfway over, but if he was able to get moving he could still salvage the situation. Throwing the blankets off of his legs, Scott felt the beginnings of a panic overtake him when he continued to curse, "Shit, shit, shit!"
Rushing into the bathroom, Scott planned on getting his teeth brushed and a quick clean up job done. However, before he could follow through on such an act, he noticed a note taped to the mirror in big, bold, black letters.
"Get back into bed!" he read aloud, immediately recognizing the sloppy handwriting as Logan's. He reached for the note, pulling it off of the mirror and discovering there was writing on the back of the paper.
"I mean it," Scott continued to read to himself, "get back into bed. Class is covered."
"Covered," Scott repeated with confusion at Logan's cryptic words. Still not one to be deterred Scott walked over to the toilet and noticed a note on top of the lid.
"Damn it Scott," he mouthed reading the note and pulling the paper off of the toilet lid, "Get back into bed or else!"
"Lovely," Scott laughed lightly, seeing the tiny teeth that Logan had drawn on the bottom of the page in an attempt to appear menacing. They were scribbled on sloppily, done in a red marker, but they only served to amuse Scott after he'd finished up in the bathroom. Making his way over to the vanity, he spotted another note on the mirror.
"Don't make me kick your ass Summers," a blue post-it note warned over the center of the mirror.
"Please," Scott pulled the note down before noticing an envelope with his name on it on top of the dresser. "Seriously Logan this is a bit much."
Wondering what else Logan had planned, Scott reached for the envelope tearing into it half expecting another threatening letter warning him to get his ass back into bed or else Logan would inflict some kind of bodily harm upon him. However when Scott pulled open the top of the envelope he noticed green writing on the back of the envelope with a smiley face underneath the words.
"Reason enough to make you want to stay in bed the rest of the morning until I return," Scott read aloud, dipping his fingers into the envelope further to discover a few photos neatly tucked inside. Curious Scott began to turn them around, half anticipating to discover Logan's angry face glaring at him with blades distended in warning or even Logan flicking him off, but instead Scott noticed a half naked Logan standing in front of the bathroom mirror with Scott's digital camera in hand.
"What the….?" Scott's eyes widened as he flipped through the photos suddenly discovering the one that Logan had clearly taken after he'd discarded his jeans in the hopes of serving it up as the ultimate distraction for Scott. Gulping down, Scott practically choked at the sight of Logan's explicit photo. Scott had to admit that it had undoubtedly given him plenty of reasons to want to return to bed underneath the blankets. Still surprised by Logan's uncharacteristic move, Scott bit into his lower lip, immediately responding to Logan's brazen attempt at distraction. He stumbled backwards into the dresser, trying to quell his immediate reaction when he felt something fall off of the dresser onto the floor.
Looking down Scott spotted a book before him, a journal of sorts with a black binding. Curiosity carried over Scott wondering if perhaps it was another message from Logan, but before he could investigate it further, he was interrupted by the sound of tapping on the bedroom door. Reaching for his glasses on top of the dresser, Scott secured them in place, hoping to keep his rouse going long enough to pull Logan into the room with him for a little while. Thoughts of what he would do to Logan once inside caused the color to return to his cheeks, the amusement to settle in over his abdomen in realizing that despite all Logan's protests, the post-it notes and the photos were a clear sign that Scott had been rubbing off on Logan after all. Laughter carried up over the back of Scott's throat when he reached for the doorknob before him.
"I saw your notes and I swear Logan if you even think about being a tease after those photos you left me, then so help me I'm going to…" Scott mouthed opening the door in an attempt to deal with Logan's playful means of manipulation, but before he could throw out the indecent proposal that was on the tip of his tongue he realized it wasn't Logan at all. Seeing Charles eye him curiously, Scott gulped harder, his face growing a crimson shade with his mentor before him.
"I take it you were hoping I was someone else," Charles noted fighting to suppress the hint of amusement in his voice. "Is this a bad time Scott?"
"No," Scott replied bringing one hand up through his messy hair. He stepped back inviting Charles into the bedroom with a small gulp, "Sorry it's a bit chaotic in here, but I wasn't really expecting company considering that…"
"You're supposed to be resting," Charles nodded in understanding, "Logan left strict orders for you not to be disturbed this morning."
"He did?" Scott raised a curious brow before tucking the photos into his pajama pants pocket in order to avoid an uneasy situation with Charles in the room.
"He's rather bossy when he wants to be, but for what it's worth I think he made the right decision in allowing you to rest. The color's returned to your face. You look like you're feeling better this morning," Charles noted circling around the room in a moment of contemplation.
"Yeah," Scott continued to run his fingers through his hair nervously, "I am. Much better actually."
"I'm glad to hear it," Charles smiled politely, his blue eyes filled with questions he hadn't been brave enough to ask in the moment between them.
"Look…I'm sorry about yesterday," Scott cleared his throat uneasily, "I didn't mean for…well, you know…"
"There's no need for an apology," Charles waved his hand dismissively, "at least not on your end. When we were talking I wasn't exactly being as supportive as I should've been to what you were saying. You had every right to feel betrayed and…"
"No," Scott shook his head firmly knowing the night before he'd overstepped his boundaries with his mentor, "I was out of line. I know that now and I'm sorry I said what I said. I know you were just trying to protect me."
"Even so I should've told you about Logan," Charles conceded with another breath, "You deserved that much from me. I'm sorry."
"I understand why you were trying to keep me from the memory," Scott sighed taking a seat on the edge of the bed, "Even though I don't necessarily agree with your decision, I know that you've always been looking out for me. You've taken care of me when I had nothing, gave me a reason and purpose, so I was wrong to doubt you. I was out of line yesterday and I'm sorry."
"Scott, again you don't have to," Charles opened his mouth in protest.
"Yes I do," Scott rubbed his hands together nervously, "After all you've done for me over the years, I was out of line. I never, ever should've accused you of all those horrible things. After all the time we lost with one another when I thought you were gone, the last thing I wanted to do was argue with you."
"Scott," Charles began with an uneasiness in his tone.
"When I heard the news of what happened and I thought that Jean destroyed you, that you were dead…," Scott choked up on his words, "it did something to me. I hated myself for bringing this upon everyone. When I thought it was because of me that you were…"
"Scott, you weren't responsible for any of this," Charles frowned sensing the tears threatening to reveal themselves in Scott's eyes behind his glasses.
"It felt that way. You have no idea how many times I found myself wishing I could turn back the hands of time, that I could somehow go back to change things. I thought if only I'd done things differently…" Scott choked up on his emotions, "It doesn't matter now though. You're alive and you're here. That's what matters. That's what everyone needed, what each one of us had been praying for…"
"We were devastated when we believed you were gone as well Scott. Losing you tore our foundation to pieces and…" Charles explained drawing in a breath, "if I ever made you feel like life without you would be any different than that, then I'm sorry. I never wanted you to feel as if you didn't belong, as if you weren't a part of our team, of our family."
"Family," Scott repeated with the beginnings of a smile carrying over the corners of his mouth, "you're the closest thing to a father that I've ever known growing up. You've taught me so much, showed me so many things that have shaped the person I've become. If I hadn't had you, then there's no telling where I would've wound up in my life. Everything that's ever meant anything in my life is because of your guidance and support…"
"Scott, this isn't necessary," Charles cleared his throat, unable to remain settled in Scott's declaration.
"Yes it is. I feel horrible for what I did yesterday and even if it was beyond my control, I never, ever should've spoken to you that way. I know better. I was wrong and I realize that," Scott took in a breath, "What happened it wasn't me-not the real me. I know how ridiculous that might sound, but so much has been weighing in upon me. Lately I have been consumed by these thoughts-by everything that's happened to me and in my frustration I've been seeking out answers. I've been trying to understand it all, but I've gotten nowhere with it. For the life of me I can't figure out what's happening to me and it terrifies me."
"Because of what happened with Jean?" Charles questioned already knowing the answer.
Scott nodded, "And because of Stryker-because of the experiments they ran on me. When I lost my powers I started to get flashes of the past, memories of the torture, of what I'd endured. At the time I wasn't certain what they were, but now…"
"There's no hiding from them in your subconscious any longer," Charles frowned when Scott's face twisted with anguish.
"What they did to me…" Scott stopped himself with a shudder, "I know it's nothing compared to the ways they tortured Logan, but at the same time I just feel like…"
"Like what?" Charles questioned.
"Like there are so many unanswered questions. There are so many pieces that are still missing, things that I haven't processed just yet and…Mystique said something to Logan. She told him something about…" Scott paused uncertain in how to approach the subject with Charles.
"About what?" Charles asked patiently.
"About me," Scott divulged at long last, "about what's been happening to all of us. About the reason why we were all taken to that facility to begin with. I know it was a long time ago, but there are so many questions-things that I know you've been wondering about as well. When they had you captive…"
"There are a lot of uncertainties in my mind as well about the experience," Charles explained quietly, "A great many questions that still remain."
"But you know some of the answers, do you not? You were there for longer then I was the last time. Certainly they must've shown you something, they must've revealed their agenda and…" Scott's voice cracked with concern.
"I don't think now is the time to began traveling down that road Scott. In the search for answers it's easy to cloud your mind with the past instead of focusing on what's happening in the present," Charles counseled him. "It's a temptation that one could surrender to and in doing so they lose sight of what's ahead of them."
"I'm not looking to bury myself in the past, but rather I want to understand," Scott sighed heavily, "Things weren't the same after Jean did what she did. Everyone ended up changing. We all were impacted by her madness, by Phoenix…"
"Which we will all have to deal with in healing," Charles added, "the kind of healing that we can only do by focusing on this one day at a time.
"I don't know if I can live that way," Scott blurted out honestly, "given what I remember and what transpired after my last encounter with Jean…"
"There's something you aren't telling me about when you went to her. Something has indeed changed," Charles deduced causing Scott to tense up knowing that things troubling him couldn't be hidden forever especially after his outburst the previous evening.
"I don't know what's happening to me, but I'm different. I'm not the same. At first I thought it was nothing, but then as time goes on, I'm seeing that I'm not me. It's like I've become something that's someone else," Scott finally blurted out realizing that the truth was a burden too heavy to bear for him any longer. He brought his hand up to his glasses preparing to reveal his secret to Charles after weeks of trying to conceal it from his mentor.
"Hank told me you've asked to your medical records sealed," Charles noted in an attempt to keep the conversation going between them, "After the results of your first CAT scan were in he made it evidently clear that you were very specific about not sharing them with…"
"He told you about them against my wishes, didn't he?" Scott frowned knowing of the promise Hank had made to keep Scott's secret. Although it had been asking a lot, Hank had been very sympathetic and understanding to what was troubling Scott given that neither one of them could explain all that had taken place.
"He didn't have to," Charles continued to explain before Scott could get angry with Hank for betraying his wishes, "I saw the truth in his response when I'd questioned it. I was worried about you for a while, but after last night I knew that I couldn't keep skirting around this issue between us Scott."
"How long have you known?" Scott asked taking in a nervous breath.
"Not long," Charles paused giving Scott a long once over, "how about you?"
"I had suspicions about what she might've done to me, but I was too afraid to investigate it further. It wasn't until Victor abducted me that I realized there was a possibility things had changed," Scott exhaled slowly, allowing his fears to take a backseat to the moment. He rubbed his palms together nervously, taking in a long, exaggerated breath knowing that everything would change when the truth finally revealed itself. There would be no more hiding once Scott revealed the secret he'd been holding onto since his return to the school.
With a nervous pinch in the center of his stomach Scott reached up and pulled his glasses away from his face, revealing his deep, blue eyes to his mentor at long last. He braced himself for the surprised reaction from Charles, but when Charles looked to him with the same, sympathetic, controlled, knowing glance he'd been met with before a great many times in the past, Scott felt a momentary ease and continued to reveal his secret, "When Jean took my powers away from me at the lake I'd never anticipated their return. I'd accepted that I was no longer a part of this life. I moved on, even put together another life for myself, trying to rebuild with what was left."
"In Ohio," Charles noted.
Scott nodded, "Yeah, I worked in accounting and was doing rather well. At least that's what I thought before I met up with Logan again. After that everything changed. I realized what I was missing in denying myself the truth about who I am. I knew in my heart that with or without my powers I couldn't escape the truth inside of me."
"That you belonged back here?" Charles inquired, seemingly calm in the wake of Scott's revelation.
"At first I wasn't sure what to expect. When I could see the colors, feel the world around me coming in from a different perspective, I thought I'd imagined it. After a while I realized that I was able to see everything around me like this without fear, without consequences," Scott motioned to his eyes, feeling them adjust to the daylight that filtered in from the window. He peered down at Charles momentarily before focusing on the day outside of the walls of the school. Rising to his feet Scott crossed the room, trying to quell the nervousness inside of him. "I thought that everything was going to be like this forever and I'd accepted it."
"Which is why you ran away," Charles deduced, "why you felt you couldn't come back after the encounter with Jean."
Scott nodded.
"I never anticipated having my powers back again, but then when I was held captive…" Scott shivered at the memory that lingered on his mind, "When Victor had tried to kill me, I knew that something had changed. Something was different, but I didn't want to think about what it would mean. I just wanted to escape, yet…"
"You found yourself met with a new challenge," Charles nodded in an attempt at understanding. "Magneto mentioned he'd found you at the compound. He said that you had been with your powers at the time of the escape. I'd just assumed that…"
"I can control it now," Scott lowered the glasses in his hand to place them on top of the dresser beside him. He turned around to face Charles fully with desperate eyes, "at least that's the impression I'm getting after the CAT scans. The brain damage is no longer an issue. It's as if it never was considering that it's…"
"Something I never anticipated happening," Charles noted in his best business as usual voice, offering support to Scott in his confession, "but after Jean…"
"Do you think she…?" Scott questioned painfully biting back on his fears, "Do you think it's possible that somehow when she stole my powers away from me that she healed me? After all this time of being broken, of not being able to control it…"
"Everything we know dictates that isn't possible, but given that we live a life of impossibilities Scott…" Charles' words tapered off.
"I thought she was trying to destroy me, that she ripped my powers away from me to torture me, to make me suffer for…" Scott's words escaped him. He gazed out the window once again.
"For what?" Charles inquired.
"Logan," Scott breathed shamefully, "because she knew about Logan and I. I didn't realize that it might've come to her at the time before we lost her, but after she started haunting me I knew that she knew."
"Scott," Charles opened his mouth in protest.
"She felt the lust in my heart. She had to have known that he and I felt the connection, that we…" Scott shivered bringing his arms around his body tightly, "she must've felt it, yet when she came to me again-when she took my powers from me I was broken, torn to pieces, but over time I became…"
"Stronger," Charles finished for him.
Scott nodded, "I can't explain it, but it feels like I can turn it on and off. I couldn't do that before, but that's only the beginning. There are other things, other changes that I hadn't anticipated-things that there are no reason for. I never should've been able to do what I can do now, but I'm able to. Every day I'm changing-I know something's inside of me, turning me into someone else, yet…"
"What Scott?" Charles inquired sensing Scott's hesitation.
"I don't know what it's leading to," Scott closed his eyes and let out a long breath, "I don't know whether to be thankful and trust it or be weary and fearful for what could be around the corner. It all seems too good to be true, too far from where Jean should've wanted me to be with what I…"
"I don't know what to think about this," Charles took in a nervous breath before placing his hands on the arms of his wheelchair, "but I'd like to believe that in spite of all the misery Phoenix surrounded herself with that there was something inside of her that was still very much Jean. I'd like to believe that there was good that propelled everyone to returning to what they once were…"
Scott eyes snapped open, his mouth preparing to say something more when he witnessed Charles pulling himself up from the chair, his legs positioned on the ground before him. In a few seconds of shaky contemplation, Charles was on his feet again making a small movement towards Scott.
"There is no other explanation," Charles informed him with a patient, understanding tone, "I wish I had the answers, but…"
"She healed you as well," Scott's eyes widened with surprise, "All this time you've known that…"
"I wasn't sure of anything. When they came for me I had a great many questions much like you do right now, but in finding the answers…" Charles sighed heavily, "it seems that you and I are both in the same situation."
"So you've been pretending that nothing's changed? You've been hiding the truth just as…?" Scott couldn't help, but open his mouth in stunned realization with each step Charles took.
"Just as you have been because like you I've felt it would be easier on everyone if I understood it before I revealed it to them," Charles softened his voice. "I've carried on with the deception in the hopes of protecting them, of keeping them out of harm's way just as you have. Sometimes to protect the ones we love, we must be inclined to deceive them."
"Deceptions," Scott let out an ironic laugh, "It would seem that those were the very things that created this situation to begin with."
"Regardless of their repercussions at times we're forced to make difficult decisions, to submit to choices that aren't optimal to what we want the world to be," Charles continued in a poignant tone, "We are forced to face a painful moment where we can continue down the same path we've been on for most of our lives or we make a sacrifice to save those who mean the most to us."
"Like Jean did," Scott thought back to Jean's attempt to save them all back by the lake. He turned his attention to Charles and sighed, "Out of her sacrifice chaos followed."
"In that chaos we were given a second chance at living again-at becoming something greater than we'd imagined," Charles took another step forward. "Although we mourn the loss of Jean, we both know that the gifts she's given us are beyond anything we'd ever imagined."
"But are they truly from her or…?" Scott's words tapered off.
"I can see you've been weighing this out in your mind for quite some time Scott," Charles pondered aloud, "but in seeing that I'd hoped in time you would at least come to me instead of trying to face this on your own."
"I'm not on my own. I have Logan," Scott answered simply, a smile of relief carrying over him in the moment at the thought of his lover.
"Logan," Charles nodded quietly, "then I anticipate he knows everything you've been dealing with?"
"He's been here for me from the beginning of the change. When I was powerless he stood by me, pulled me out of my comfort zone to realize where I belonged," Scott took a step in closer to Charles, his blue eyes filled with questions and curiosities.
"There are a great many answers we're all seeking out Scott," Charles informed him with a sudden seriousness, "stemming from questions that may lead us to places we aren't ready to go."
"With Jean," Scott lowered his eyes, feeling a nagging guilt at the mention of his former flame.
"Jean's descent into madness doesn't erase the woman she once was," Charles reached out to place his hand on Scott's shoulder supportively. "There was a lot of good in her, a lot of wonderful things that stemmed from the both of you being together-things that might not make sense just yet, but with some clarity and time they will."
"It still doesn't explain this," Scott motioned between them, "If this was because of her, then how did this happen? Was she truly the key to bringing these changes or was it something darker? Did it have to do with that place you were being held? Where Logan and I were all those years ago?"
"Scott, I know that you have questions right now, but…" Charles opened his mouth to attempt to soothe Scott's concerns.
"Are we supposed to just accept that this is what we're meant for in starting over? Do we embrace it readily? Reject it?" Scott continued to ponder aloud. "Are we wrong to consider trusting it? Should we simply accept it or challenge everything that's happening, fight to understand it?"
"I think you already know the answer to your questions Scott," Charles met his eyes again, "You know the path that you must take on this quest for information."
"I have to go back there," Scott bit back on his words, "I have to return to where it all began. I need to see…"
"Going down that path will bring up new questions, leading to other answers," Charles couldn't help, but frown. "in doing that you may rediscover things that you aren't prepared for-things that aren't desirable."
"If it's the only way to find clarity and peace of mind, then who am I to reject it?" Scott couldn't help, but turn his attention to Charles again, "Unless of course you already know the answers."
"Even I do not have all the answers Scott. I can merely provide you with support and encouragement in hoping to bring reason into the situation, but…" Charles added quickly.
"You won't stop me from seeking out the truth," Scott half questioned, "you won't try to stop me from taking that journey into the past?"
"Once you open the door, you need to be certain that you're ready for what may lay ahead. To gain the insight you're longing for, you may uncover a darkness you weren't prepared for," Charles took a step back, his gaze returning to the wheelchair he'd been seated in previously. "Once you know the truth, it will be harder to shut it out."
"I don't want to shut it out. I want to know what's happening to me, what will become of me," Scott continued with a small sigh, "What I'll be capable of."
"You know in your heart what you are capable of Scott. Accept the gift that Jean has given you in offering you a second chance. Most aren't as lucky as we've been in being granted that," Charles returned to his chair, settling into it reluctantly, "We can work together to unlock the secrets of what's happened if you would like, but in doing so we'll have to dedicate everything to the discovery process."
"Then let's do it," Scott decided eagerly, "Let's get started on going back to where this began-to seeing what's happening and…"
"There will be no room for distractions," Charles explained motioning to Logan's leather jacket draped over the bottom of the bed. "If you are going to immerse yourself in understanding and clarity, then you're going to need to do this all the way Scott. You'll have to let go of the things that you think you know about the man you are and…"
"And what?" Scott couldn't help but frown, "Are you trying to say that I have to give up Logan?"
"I'm saying that if you make the choice to return to the truth, then you may find that other things in your life as it stands may not fit into that journey," Charles explained cryptically before turning to Scott again, "You must decide what it is you value more in the discovery process the life you left behind or the one that's readily available to you ready to have you begin again."
XXXXX
Logan looked to the book sitting on top of the desk, staring at it as if it would leap up and bite him if he held it for far too long. Although he'd hated to admit it, he wasn't prepared for this situation at all. Yes, he'd promised himself he would get through it for Scott's benefit, but it wasn't him. He could easily tear an entire army to shreds with minimal effort, could send buildings crashing down to the ground around him in a matter of minutes, yet two and a half hours into teaching Scott's classes, he found himself completely out of his element. Now seated in front of the advanced English class, he couldn't help, but feel slightly intimidated in the moment. It was something that the mighty Wolverine would never admit to, but with scrutinizing eyes and whispers carrying over the unusually silent room, Logan couldn't help, but wish for some kind of reprieve. Raising his chin ever so slightly, he noticed the way that the students were watching him expectantly, looking even more eager for instruction than the last class had been. Yes, before it had been early and the other classes seemed happy not to have Scott in for the morning, but this class-Scott's honor students seemed to be hanging on bated breath waiting for him to screw up somehow.
Clearing his throat, Logan attempted to sound calm and authoritative in the moment, "So what is it exactly you were all working on before today?"
"We were constructing the beginnings of our thesis papers for the semester," one of the students explained pointedly. Her cheeks puffed up in a smug expression, making Logan really regret even bothering to cover for Scott in the first place. That was his first mistake. Then again, why had he allowed Marie to leave earlier as well? She had offered to help him get through the day, to easily make the transition for him into classroom instructor while Scott was in bed.
"Bed," he thought to himself, suddenly very envious of the position he'd left Scott in wrapped up in blankets and pillows, savoring whatever deliciously wonderful dream that had him smiling this morning. When Logan had awakened to that stupid alarm clock Scott kept at the side of their bed, guiding him up each and every morning with a jump start and a skip to the showers, Logan had thought of the many times he'd wanted to slice it in half. Yes, it sounded like a wonderful fantasy, one that he'd come close to making a reality this morning when Scott hadn't awakened. At first Logan thought of nudging Scott, of making him turn the damned thing off and appease Logan's return to sleep, but in remembering the night Scott had, Logan had opted a different approach. He'd held back on destroying the alarm clock, instead opting to unplug it before climbing out of bed. He'd gotten cleaned up, left a bunch of warning notes for Scott and headed down to class. It had been completely uncharacteristic for Logan, but it was manageable-at least it had been before A.P. English began.
"Sounds fascinating," Logan managed to get out, returning to the conversation he'd opened up with the class. While he didn't care a thing about thesis papers or anything else that followed down that line of discussion, he knew he had to think fast. He still had about a half an hour to fill with something, anything to keep the interest of the students who were more interested in theology and great classic literature instead of battles and defensive strategies. Damn Scott for having a meltdown the night before. Though at this rate Logan was going to have one before the day was over.
"Sure," the girl who had responded rolled her eyes. She eyed him with heavy scrutiny, her nails tapping on the top of her desk as Logan cleared his throat.
"So what else has everyone been working on?" Logan questioned looking away from the student who'd spoken up. "See any good movies lately?"
"Movies?" the girl frowned back at him, "Seriously?"
"What?" Logan shrugged his shoulders, "Works of fiction can make great movies."
"Like what?" another student questioned from the other side of the room.
"Like this one," Logan reached for the book on the desk. He held it up, waving it around in the air for a moment or two. "Anyone see this movie?"
"Have you?" the stubborn, impossible girl before him had questioned.
"Actually as a matter of fact I have," Logan stood up, hoping to convey a presence of authority in the room. He circled around the desk, hoping to prove himself. It seemed to do the trick when half of the students sat up straighter in fear, the other half intrigued by his approach, "and I must say it was pretty good. Although when I read the book years ago I found it to be a bit boring."
"You? Read books?" the girl before him questioned with a huff, "And here I thought all you knew how to do was fight."
"Combat is important to master, but it all begins in here," Logan brought his hand up to his head, "If you aren't able to process everything inside with knowledge, then you're always going to be two steps behind everyone else. Reading is important."
"What's the last book you read?" another student inquired, smiling up at him curiously.
"Honestly," he paused leaning back against the desk and seeing the way all eyes were upon him. Yes, it had been uncomfortable, but for a brief, flickering moment of ease, Logan found that he'd captured the attention of almost everyone in the room, gaining their curiosities over their scrutiny, "I believe it was The Interpretation of Dreams by Sigmund Freud. Perhaps you've all heard of him."
"You've read Freud?" another student asked with wide eyes.
"Sure, who hasn't?" Logan shrugged his shoulders before redirecting his attention to his biggest critic now that she'd grown unusually silent, "Have you?"
"Freud's horribly overrated," she waved her hand dismissively.
"Overrated or not, he certainly put a lot of food for thought out there," Logan circled around Scott's desk to take a seat once again, "but then again, isn't that what learning is all about? Taking ideas that others have, learning from them, expanding on the knowledge and forming your own opinions on the material?"
"So what other books have you read?" another student questioned, leaning forward across the front of her desk with obvious interest.
"Plenty of them," Logan confessed with the beginnings of a smile carrying over his features, "they're good for keeping you entertained especially on winter nights up north in Canada when the last thing you want to do is go outside."
It didn't take long before discussion picked up in the classroom, bringing it to life with bristling conversation about books and their value versus the impact of Hollywood and it's eagerness to transform a classic into a big budget film. While it was a simple conversation, one that Logan hadn't really given much thought to, things had picked up, transforming from a tough crowd, to a relaxed environment where the students all offered their opinions and let go of seriousness for a while. Each one of them contributed, even the girl who had been ready to shred him to pieces at the beginning of class. Before Logan knew it the class was over, sending the students laughing and smiling out into the hallway to enjoy the rest of their afternoon. Circling around to the board behind him, Logan couldn't help, but savor the small victory, appreciating it for all it was worth when he heard a voice from behind him.
"You weren't at all what I'd anticipated when I walked in here today, but I guess you're not that bad," the girl who had been ragging Logan on most of the class finally admitted giving him that same, scrutinizing look she'd carried with her earlier in the class. "I suppose it wouldn't be completely awful if you were here again another day or so."
"Thanks for the support," Logan fought to contain his amusement in his personal teaching victory for the day, "I appreciate it."
"Sure," the girl gave him another look before exiting the classroom and leaving Logan to finish up.
"Bravo," Scott's voice caught Logan off guard when Logan looked up to see his lover standing before him dressed in a prim and proper black and white pinstriped button down shirt with a black turtleneck underneath and khaki slacks.
"How long have you been out there?" Logan questioned curiously, seeing the amusement overtaking Scott.
"Long enough to see you talk one hell of a good game Logan. They were actually listening to you and learning," Scott smiled back at him, "although I don't ever recall you mentioning reading War and Peace before."
"I saw it on your bookshelves once," Logan shrugged simply. He circled around the desk bringing his thick arms across his oversized chest, "I noticed it was collecting dust and I opened the front cover. That should count for something."
"I suppose," Scott conceded making a small movement into the room, "although the way you worked over this crowd, I'm starting to think you're a natural."
"Are you feeling feverish?" Logan questioned bridging the distance between them and reaching out to touch Scott's forehead. "I thought I left explicit orders for you to stay in bed."
"I received them," Scott couldn't help, but offer up with a crooked smirk, "and then some. I found your photos."
"Photos?" Logan questioned feigning innocence while adjusting the rolled up sleeves on his burgundy colored shirt. A low growl built up in the back of his throat, a sexy, cryptic smirk carrying over his lips in an upward press, "What photos?"
"You know what photos I'm referring to," Scott wiggled his brow suggestively from behind his glasses, "They were a real eye opener this morning."
"You were supposed to be in bed," Logan reminded him simply, "I told you that…"
"I know what you told me, but at the same time I couldn't let go of this sudden curiosity to see how you were holding up in the classroom. When I ran into Marie on the way down here, I figured you'd be in over your head," Scott divulged reaching out to slide his arms around Logan's shoulders eagerly, "but I must admit I was very impressed. Do you know that student who just left has yet to say something nice to me?"
"It is the first week," Logan shrugged bringing his arm around Scott's lean, muscular torso, "maybe it takes her a while to warm up to new things."
"She told me my methods were sophomoric at best on the first day," Scott couldn't help, but laugh, "I suppose that stems from the fact that her IQ is twice what mine is, but still…."
"Wow twice the size of yours," Logan's eyes widened, feigning surprise, "Now I am impressed."
"Very funny," Scott poked him in the ribs. Detangling himself from Logan's arms, he moved to the door again, bringing it to a close behind him, "though I have to admit that right now I really didn't come down here to discuss the size of my…IQ."
"What's on your mind?" Logan questioned seeing Scott reach down to carefully lock the classroom door. He reached up to twist the blinds on the window to a close before facing Logan once again.
"If you really have to ask, then perhaps I haven't been living up to your expectations in the spontaneous lover department," Scott reached up to tear the glasses from his face. His blue eyes beckoned Logan, drawing him out from within when Scott winked at him, "We did after all only touch on the surface of that detention fantasy you've had going the other day."
"Detention fantasy," Logan repeated with a hard gulp. His eyes issued Scott a long once over, unable to take him in fast enough in the moment. In an instant, Logan stepped back sitting on the corner of Scott's sturdy desk all the while revealing his teeth in a slow, building smirk, "Hmm…I vaguely recall something along those lines."
"Vaguely," Scott shook his head feigning insult, "that's not very encouraging."
"So enlighten me," Logan leaned back ever so slightly. He stretched his legs out across the classroom floor, his jean clad thighs parting to invite Scott to step in closer to him. With lust pumping his blood harder through his veins Logan wiggled his brow suggestively and smirked wider then before.
"I'm sure Marie told you that now begins my prep hour," Scott set his glasses down on one of the desktops. Bringing his hands up over the front of his button down shirt, Scott kept his eager eyes on Logan's, hoping to entice Logan into taking the bait he was offering.
"Prep hour," Logan repeated tossing out another long perusal in Scott's direction. He leaned back on the desk further, propping himself up on his elbows when Scott discarded the far too proper pinstriped shirt he'd donned for such an occasion. Logan licked his lips, unable to repress the sudden thoughts consuming him when Scott turned around to place the black and white material on the desk beside his glasses. Logan's gaze dipped down, taking an involuntary glance at Scott's perfectly toned bottom, remembering only too well how much he enjoyed watching it flex and contract, moving with the same grace and fluidity that Scott put into everything he touched. Yes, it was certainly a distraction, Logan reasoned when Scott seemed to feel Logan's eyes upon him. Scott stood upright, wrinkling his nose when he turned around to face Logan fully.
"Like what you see?" Scott couldn't help, but question at Logan's response.
"So far," Logan stretched out across the desk, leaning back a bit further, "So what about this prep hour?"
"It's where I take the time for preparations in lesson planning before my next class," Scott informed him with a simple shrug of his shoulders and took a step forward.
"Which is when?" Logan's tongue ran over the tip of his tooth, thinking of how Scott was still dressed in far too many layers to even begin indulging the fantasy that had played out in his mind for the last few weeks.
"It's been cancelled," Scott explained simply, "I figured you've been through enough today, so you deserved the rest of the afternoon off."
"Off," Logan repeated clearing his throat and eyeing Scott intently.
Although Logan knew he should make a move, he found himself eager to see how far Scott would push the envelope first. He felt the first wave of Scott's desire come crashing down over him, hanging in the air with a thick, enticing aroma. Granted it was a far cry from the man Scott had been when they'd first started fooling around with one another at the school, but Logan liked it. A few days ago they'd experimented in role playing, having Logan in the submissive, naughty fantasy, but now perched upon Scott's desk, thinking of all the ways he'd like to reverse their roles, Logan couldn't help but feel enthralled. He cleared his throat, shifted on the desk, feeling his jeans far too restrictive when Scott's hands settled in on his thighs.
"I thought maybe we could share a few lesson plans with one another, or maybe…" Scott leaned forward, breath hovering over the side of Logan's neck. Scott's fingers fanned out over Logan's powerful thigh, curving inward with naughty intentions.
"Yes?" Logan asked lazily, taking in a labored breath. He closed his eyes, losing himself to the sensations of Scott bristling over his skin, enveloping him in desire all over again.
"We could stick to a rigid, structured lesson plan or we could improvise," Scott's tongue traced over the side of Logan's neck, nipping and suckling the skin when Scott's hand settled in over the center of Logan's lap. "Your choice."
"My choice?" Logan took in a deep, intoxicating inhale, savoring the mark he'd made upon Scott since they'd reunited. There was no mistaking that Scott was his in every way imaginable. Yes, they'd started out lusting one another, but beyond the lust even now Logan knew it ran so much deeper between them. Their connection was one of the most intense things Logan had experienced in his life and there was no denying that every time Scott was near him he couldn't stop wanting more.
"That's right," Scott pulled back ever so slightly, "Just say the word and we'll make it happen."
"You'll do anything I ask of you?" Logan wiggled his brow suggestively, his hand pressing into the desk beneath him, thinking about all the times Scott had shunned the idea of christening it in the past. Yes the other day they'd engaged in some enthralling activities with one another in the classroom, but the desk was off limits. Scott hadn't wanted to chance things when they'd immersed themselves in fantasy. Today however, Logan found himself wanting to fling the books to the ground, strip the desktop of everything else upon it completely and then do the same with Scott. Once Scott was naked and ready, Logan would toss him over the top of the sacred desk and show him a whole new meaning of passion and dominance.
"Give me an order Logan," Scott mouthed, biting down on Logan's earlobe. One hand rose to the center of Logan's chest, the other connecting with the zipper on his pants in a possessive grasp, "Tell me what you want me to do."
"I think you know what I like," Logan arched backwards. He tipped his head to the side, feeling Scott's mouth hovering over his in a teasing press.
"Say it and I won't refuse," Scott slurred dipping down to kiss Logan eagerly.
Logan reached out securing his fingers through Scott's hair, tangling it tightly. Biting down on Scott's lip, he felt the first taste of blood skimming through the surface. Scott winced slightly, his body tensing up with the flicker of pain before Logan's tongue traced over the wound, knowing it had already sealed itself. Still in having the taste of Scott on his lips, Logan pushed himself upon Scott roughly forcing Scott's mouth open wider to accommodate Logan's thirst for him. Logan's tongue thrust inside taking a greedy, lingering taste of the wet heat the surrounded him. Returning the intensity, Scott's fingers scraped over Logan's chest roughly. Logan growled, body brought to life by Scott's other hand working down the zipper on his jeans, by Scott's fingers sliding in underneath the material.
"You'd better not because I've got big plans for you," Logan growled, reaching out to seize Scott possessively now that Scott had managed to break the day away from the mundane to offer up temptation in it's sweetest form on top of Scott's simple, otherwise boring wooden desk.