It's Not Me (34/?) Scott/Logan Part 1
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Word Count: 4457
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 | Chapter 30 | Chapter 31 | Chapter 32 | Chapter 33 (Part 1) | Chapter 33 (Part 2)
"Now what?" Logan muttered under his breath thinking about Scott's deceptive retreat in ditching him. Although Scott had grudgingly agreed to having them go together to the office, Logan knew that there was something Scott was holding back on about his motivation. Unfortunately the more Logan thought about it, the more he hated to admit his worries were mounting fearing that the time apart would undoubtedly unleash another kind of hell upon Scott. Then again given that Logan was prone to nightmares all over again, it was beginning to make Logan wonder if whomever was behind Scott's torture was ready to take it to the next level in an effort to destroy the both of them. The longer Scott was away, the more potential for danger lingered and Logan couldn't help, but be worried knowing that nothing good could come out of it.
"I don't ever want to lose you. Just the idea of being without you terrifies me Logan," he could hear Scott's voice whisper the night before, caught up in their passionate aftermath with one another.
"It's not going to happen Scott," Logan had promised knowing only too well that the idea of walking out on Scott hadn't even entered his mind after all they'd experienced in the last few years with one another. Life without Scott had been hell and it was clear by Scott's behavior that he'd felt it as well in their absence from one another.
"So why rush out like you did?" Logan pondered aloud, unable to shake the feeling that something had changed after Logan had drifted off to an unwelcome sleep. The fact that Scott had been so insistent upon going out on his own should have been enough to keep Logan focused, but Scott hadn't been playing fair. He'd clearly entered into Logan's mind again without permission, pushing all the right buttons to make Logan complacent for the time being. Logan had foolishly let his guard down when he tried to chalk up their debate as Scott's need for independence-to prove that he wasn't beyond maintaining an air of normalcy in his life despite the chaos that had surrounded him the last few weeks. Of course now that Scott had ditched Logan in a desperate attempt at a retreat, Logan knew full well there was only going to be one way to seek out the answer in what was the guiding force when Scott had been researching on his own the night before. Perhaps in his research Logan could find the key to what had sparked Scott's sudden need to go out on his own without Logan-to see what had kept Scott from bed the previous evening.
"If you aren't going to give me answers, then maybe it's time to do a little research on my own," Logan decided opting to take full advantage of the fact that he was alone in the house. Taking in a breath and trying to tell himself that Scott would be alright on his own for a few minutes longer, Logan continued to search the study hoping to find the spare set of car keys that Scott had hidden from him along with any other clues Logan could uncover about Scott's mood shift. Now, however, after coming up empty in his search, Logan weighed out his options. Yes, perhaps Logan could've hotwired Scott's car and gone after him, but before he took such an extreme approach to dealing with Scott, Logan decided it was time to take a new approach in uncovering what Scott was keeping from him.
Discarding the contents of the drawer Logan had been rummaging through earlier, he moved to the opposite side of the office searching for clues to help decipher the source of Scott's sudden cryptic retreat and dubious behavior. The last thing they'd talked about the night before Logan had gone to bed was Stryker's facility and how Alkali Lake had only been one of the many places where Stryker had set up his experiments. Stryker's history and resources had afforded him the luxury of going to extremes in seeking out mutants and exploiting them. The government had backed up his projects, no questions asked for a very long time and it had left the door wide open to chaos. Knowing that, Logan couldn't help, but wonder just what else beyond numbers had Scott wrapped up the discovery process after Logan had gone to bed the night before. Research had been Scott's excuse, but Logan had the feeling that there was something more happening. Granted they'd both wanted to get a jump start on looking into Stryker's madness along with trying to track Victor so that they could gain a deeper understanding of what secrets were still surrounding their lives. It was the objective, yet there was something Logan was certain he was missing from the puzzle pieces. Stryker's insanity had reached out into all of their lives, but this didn't feel like it was due to uncovering Stryker's shady history. This was more personal when Logan was convinced that something felt off in Scott's behavior.
Looking to the papers in front of him, Logan thought to the pages Scott had provided him with earlier about the background on the facility where they'd all been held. While a simple set of numbers and an account with Scott's old firm might've seemed like a good lead to start with before their return to the school, Logan knew only too well that they would need something deeper to run with. Then again judging by Scott's cryptic behavior, Logan was guessing that Scott had discovered the key to just that.
"What did you find Scott?" Logan mouthed to himself trying to piece together the things that they'd come up with one another since the search for the truth began. Scott had seemingly followed the paper trail, going into financial records, but Logan found that there was another link they hadn't touched upon. Remembering Bert's confession of putting adamantium on the black market, Logan opted for a different approach. Seeing Scott's computer set up before him, Logan prepared to delve into the situation on his own, to see what he could come up with, but before he could take the first step in figuring out Scott's computer, he noticed the familiar leather, black binding of Jean's journal before him.
"What the…?" Logan questioned, feeling a gnawing sensation in his abdomen, alerting him to the fact that everything about Scott's behavior was starting to make sense. He'd been distant, devious, secretive, a bit closed off and distracted in their discussion with one another. Even when they'd made love before Scott left, it had been violent, physically driven in a more intense, highly sexual coupling devoid of the sentiment Scott usually carried with him in their encounters and with Jean's journal on the desktop before him, the reasoning behind it was becoming clearer. Logan couldn't help, but revel in the surprise of it's presence knowing only too well that he'd urged Scott to leave it behind at the school before they'd gone off to get married. Logan had almost tossed it in the trash himself, but when Scott had agreed to push it out of his mind for a while, Logan had believed he would. However, with it laying on the desk, underneath the morning's newspaper, Logan knew Scott hadn't listened. He must've hidden it in his suitcase before they'd left the school, clearly unable to let go of the torture Scott had put upon himself over Jean's words. Despite Scott's haphazard effort to hide it, it was visible, plain as day in the moment when Logan stepped forward pulling it off of the desk all the while wondering if Scott had been reading it in the hopes of seeking out clues to Jean's whereabouts.
"This has been nothing, but disaster," Logan's lip curled downward, his uneasiness returning to the pit of his stomach in remembering the trouble the book had caused for them. His first instinct was to slash it, to destroy it so that it couldn't cause anymore damage, but remembering Scott's urgency to return to the office to follow another new lead, Logan hesitated wondering if the book had played a hand in Scott wanting to go it alone this time around. He ran his fingers over the binding, sensing Scott had been touching it, been absorbed in it not long ago with his scent saturating the book before him. Taking in a breath, Logan opened up the cover, wishing he could turn away, but instead he thumbed through the book wondering what purpose it could hold in their search for the truth about Jean.
"I love Scott," he read aloud, eyes skimming the page before him. He read a few more sentences, sensing Scott had been lost in them, seeing the words that Jean had printed about the way she'd felt for the man Logan loved. When she spoke of nightmares that had consumed her, how struggling with her powers was weighing upon her mind, she noted that Scott's presence in her life was the only thing keeping her grounded. She went on about how Scott had been her rock, steady and strong doing all that he could to protect her from her nightmares. They had haunted her, terrorized her in great detail, but Scott's love had pulled her from them, giving her the strength to keep moving forward towards understanding. While Logan knew it wasn't any of his business, he could almost feel Scott's guilt, sense it in the way that Scott's fingers must've touched the corners of the page, torturing himself with Jean's thoughts all over again in taking on the brunt of the blame for her madness.
"Damn it," Logan cursed under his breath, preparing to close the book knowing no good could come from it. He would simply shut it and rid them of it forever. They could find another means of locating Jean if she was still out there, Logan rationalized. However, when Logan noticed one of the pages was protruding from the book beyond the others, he couldn't help, but be filled with a curiosity. Carefully shifting the book in his hands, he opened it to the page, seeing it was one of the last entries, written on the same day as the one that Logan had previously read about Jean's discovery in the Danger Room between Scott and Logan. The page before that was still in tact charted in detail what Jean had witnessed between Scott and Logan, but the one that was now falling from the book told a very different story, one that Logan was certain he shouldn't have encountered.
"Scott, this isn't…" Logan began allowing the page to fall from the binding into his palm. Unlike the other pages in the book, this one only carried Jean's scent upon it. Scott hadn't seen it, hadn't touched it and as Logan found himself skimming the bright, red lines of ink charting Jean's anger, he felt relieved for that simple truth. She'd been angry, furious at Scott and Logan's betrayal, yet as Logan went to crumble up the page, discarding it in the trash bin once and for all, he was stopped by one very surprising word.
"Pregnant," Logan read aloud, feeling his heart stop in his chest. He hadn't been looking for the word, hadn't been seeking it out when he'd thought to discard the page, but now that it stood out in the scribbled rant before him, loud and blatant in it's meaning, Logan felt an uneasiness coil out through his body, realization settling in over the pit of his stomach.
"No," Logan shook his head firmly, "that's not what she meant. This is…"
Logan set the journal down on the desk. Dropping into the desk chair and bringing the page with him, he felt a lump forming in his throat when he began to read the words Jean had written in a frenzy on the page.
"What am I going to do now? How can I possibly pretend that this is alright when tonight changes everything? Seeing Scott with Logan, watching him and sensing how happy he was…it brings me back to what I saw when he returned from that mission all wound up and upset those years ago. I didn't understand it back then because it was scattered, but now…" Logan read aloud, caught up in what he was seeing, "He was so wrapped up in Logan that he couldn't feel me inside of him, couldn't see me trying to read his thoughts, to pull him out from within-to remember what we have together. I wanted to turn away, to walk out of the room and pretend it was some kind of fluke, but for those few seconds when I was inside of Scott, feeling his wants, his desires and knowing that he wanted Logan just as much as Logan wanted him…oh God, where have I failed him? Why wasn't I enough? We were supposed to have forever! He promised me forever, but he wants Logan. He's lusting over Logan in ways he stopped wanting me months ago. I can sense a different side of Scott, one that he had taken from him years ago. It's one that wants Logan-one that he thinks he needs, yet I just thought that…"
Logan forced himself to stop knowing that reading Jean's words was wrong. He should've discarded the page, but the one out of place word he'd caught out of the corner of his eye still haunted him, pushing him on to read the rest of the passage.
"Tonight should've been a new beginning for us. I was ready to put what I felt for Logan in our flirtations behind me, to finally accept that fate had me where I was meant to be with Scott, with the one man who has loved me unconditionally from the start. Sure, maybe we have had problems since Logan arrived, but we always loved each other. We've overcome so much worse and through it all Scott always believed that we belonged together. He was dedicated to our future together and this child is proof of that. Knowing that I'm pregnant, that Scott's going to be a father I thought it was a sign. I was certain it would settle things for us. When Scott and I talked about our pasts, about how lost we'd felt, we'd always spoke of children. He'd felt they brought with them a new sense of belonging. Even now when I think back to that time we thought I might've been pregnant when we were younger, I was terrified. I was so afraid what a child would mean for us, to our futures, but Scott had embraced it. More than anything he'd told me that having a child was right for us. He felt it would complete our union to one another. At the time I'd been too terrified to want it, but Scott hadn't held back. Even in our youth he was prepared to be a father. He was ready even though it hadn't panned out for us. I was relieved then that we weren't having a child, yet after our scare we both talked about a family, about the possibility of what if after we were married, but now…how can I tell him about this now that his heart is no longer with me? How can I look him in the eye and say to him that we're bound to one another through a child-through a life that I know he no longer wants or needs…how can I…?"
Jean's words continued on, recounting her confusion and enthusiasm in discovering that she and Scott had finally created a life together. It had been a different feeling for her from the first time she'd been terrified that they were going to be far too young parents with a baby on the way. This time she had suspected for some time that something was wrong-had sensed it was the cause of her nightmares. She'd been conflicted, overtaken with new powers-powers that she couldn't control. Her thoughts were scattered, shifting with an uneasiness. It had been overwhelming, taking her from her normal ease to a much darker place. With each new nightmare she had sensed that the way she'd been feeling wasn't right. It had left her uneasy and worried about her powers fearing that she'd become consumed with something darker, but in reality she'd merely discovered that she was pregnant with Scott's child. The pregnancy was changing her, turning her into something else that she'd been ready to explain in another fashion until she remembered the night she and Scott had recklessly made love to one another. She wrote of how Scott had been possessed by a new driving force that night-how he hadn't been cautious or careful in his approach after he'd fought with Logan earlier in the evening. At the time she hadn't thought anything of it, but rather gave in to the moment enjoying the new, impulsive side of Scott, but it was in their time together they had created a new life. She might've had doubts before, but with that new life she believed it had brought a new hope, a new promise for the future and…
"She was pregnant," Logan mouthed to himself, overcome with an uneasiness in the pit of his stomach at the realization that Jean had kept that truth from Scott. She'd been prepared to tell him he was going to be a father when he and Logan had been together. Her seeking out Scott had been about…
"The baby," Logan mouthed to himself feeling an uncomfortable tightness in his chest. Closing his eyes, he felt reality hit him hard in knowing there had been a child involved in their twisted triangle. That had never factored into Logan's mind when Scott was with Jean. Logan had simply wanted Scott, found himself ready to claim ownership without thought of consequence to Scott's relationship with Jean. At the time it seemed simple enough, but now in knowing that another life was a part of the situation, Logan let the words sink in, "Scott was going to be a father before we…"
A shudder carried over Logan in remembering the chain of events that had followed. It seemed the situation had become increasingly complicated when Logan had made a move on Scott. It had been Logan doing what he did best in giving in to his instincts, in taking what he wanted-giving in to the most primitive of desires with the most alluring temptation he'd ever faced. Scott Summers was the last thing Logan had anticipated finding in his life, yet after one taste he simply couldn't walk away. He'd tried and failed to do so knowing that regardless of what kind of ramifications would follow, he needed Scott. At first he'd thought it was brought on by lust, by the overwhelming need to immerse himself in sex with the most resistant of subjects, but soon after when he'd sensed Scott's desire it became an obsession. He not only craved Scott, but he'd needed to consume him in order to curb his appetite. There was no holding back, yet in knowing now that Jean was pregnant when she died, it changed everything. Remembering her sacrifice at Alkali Lake, in thinking back to how she'd risked herself to save everyone on the plane, it had been poignant, horrible in it's own right, but now with the reality that she'd been carrying Scott's child at the time overtaking him, Logan was surrounded by a new feeling of anger.
"She murdered his child," Logan mouthed to himself.
"On the contrary Jimmy," Victor's voice taunted in the back of his mind, "you murdered his child."
"No," Logan shook his head in refusal to accept those words when he could hear Victor's voice taunting, beckoning him from places unknown, "I didn't know. I had no idea that…"
"You caused this. You stole that away from him," Victor howled with delight, "and here I thought you were losing your edge Jimmy, but this…well, this beats anything I could've come up with. That's a good one."
"Jean made the choice to sacrifice herself," Logan argued allowing the thought to sink in deeper, building an agonizing throb in his mind.
"Yes, but you jumping her little lover boy all, but gave her the ammunition to be pushed over the edge," Victor taunted further, his words swirling around in Logan's mind, causing his temple to throb. "Hell, I wish I could've gotten to know her. I think I might've liked her. Such rage…such passion at being sickened by the two of you together…someone I can relate to."
"It wasn't like that. If we would've known…" Logan opened his mouth to protest, wondering what the outcome might've been had things played out differently. He closed his eyes remembering Jean's death and the sorrow that had robbed Scott of logic and joy for weeks to follow. He could recall how truly devastated Scott was over Jean's ending. Scott was miserable, yet in realizing that Scott had not only lost a woman he'd spent most of his life loving, but his unborn child as well, Logan was certain that Scott would've been lost completely.
"This will break him," Victor mused with delight, "no matter how much progress you've made with your little pet, he will despise you. He'll see your relationship as the key to his child's undoing. You'll be the face of betrayal and…"
"No," Logan shook his head firmly, "that's not at all how it is. Scott and I knew nothing about a child. Jean never gave any indication that…"
"When you were kissing her she had a part of him growing inside of her?" Victor wiggled his brow suggestively, "Kind of a sick turn on for you I'd imagine. Interesting Jimmy…"
"If I would've known about that baby…" Logan struggled to get his words out.
"Don't try to be politically correct and say it would've stopped you. I know your hunger," Victor's words grew louder, approaching him in the moment, "I've seen what can happens when you don't give into it. It cages you, buries you within yourself and the only solution is to take. You have to consume yourself with it, bury yourself completely in it until it takes you under. That's what he's done time and time again Jimmy. He's sucking you into his web of drama, trying to domesticate you, but then again maybe on some level you were aware of it long before you wanted to admit it to yourself. Perhaps that's why you ignored all the signs."
"I didn't know," Logan sighed thinking back to how Scott had allowed Logan to console him, to comfort him in his grief and bring him back to love again, yet…
"Perhaps you're finally seeing that this wasn't meant to last," Victor suggested with a sudden seriousness in his tone. "You gave it a try more times than either one of us want to think about, but now…now you've driven the final nail in the coffin. The death of his child will undoubtedly tear you to pieces. He'll never forgive this."
"I didn't know," Logan snapped his head up, seeking out the source of the voice that surrounded him. Much to his relief he discovered he was alone, but it didn't do anything to quell his thoughts.
"How could you let this happen?" a voice inside Logan's head questioned bitterly knowing only too well that the truth about the baby would undoubtedly be the key to Scott finally going over the edge completely. In learning his child died with Jean's sacrifice at the lake, Logan was certain it would be just the shove Scott needed to let go of his desperate grip on reality. It would lead to an all consuming guilt and…
"You kept trying to be something you aren't. You aren't one of them! It's time to accept that Jimmy."
Victor's words echoed in Logan's mind over and over, reminding him that yet again he hadn't been part of the master plan for Scott's life. He'd been different-the outsider who shook Scott's world up in ways that neither had anticipated. As it stood Scott was doing everything in his power to fight for their future happiness in searching for the truth in his madness, yet with Jean's journal in hand Logan was dealt with the proof of just how much he'd eliminated Scott's opportunity for a normal life. Deep down Logan knew that Scott was all about domestic bliss. It guided a great many things that he did in life. Scott had wanted a marriage, a family and that happily ever after that men like Logan weren't capable of. Even in their union, Logan knew he hadn't made that dream easy for Scott.
With the truth weighing upon him, Logan realized that he'd made Scott feel as if deep down Logan had initially relented and entered into their marriage to pacify Scott, to placate his guilt. It had been an obstacle to work through given Logan's attitude at the time, but in knowing that Jean would've offered it up readily, eager and willing to embrace every romantic fantasy Scott carried with him, it only made Logan feel worse. Yes, he loved Scott with all that he was, needed him more than anything, but he was no where near the kind of flowery, dream lover that someone like Scott needed. Logan had always known that Scott deserved more. Hell, he'd tried to convince Scott of that time and time again, yet Scott was pushy and determined, never willing to give up on Logan when Logan was in essence the one thing that had prevented Scott and Jean from living out the dreams they once shared with one another.
"She could've given him a future. They loved each other once until you tore that away from them. They had a family ahead of them…" his subconscious taunted, tearing into the guilt that now weighed heavily upon his chest. Knowing that Logan's thirst for Scott had lead to a distance between Scott, Jean and their child, Logan felt like bad guy for the first time in a very long time.
"It should've been different," Logan mouthed to himself, his words a small hint of a whisper as he released the page. It fell to the floor, crashing down at his feet when the sound of the bell pulled him from the moment. Suddenly on edge, Logan feared Scott had returned, that he'd made his way home with an apology over his earlier exit in ditching Logan. Logan was certain that Scott would bring back new information on how they could work to save their future with one another. However, presented with proof that Logan had destroyed Scott's life in the past, Logan looked to the ring on his finger knowing he didn't deserve it. He wasn't worthy of Scott's love now that their union had cost Scott his child.
A shiver carried over Logan, chilling him to the bone when he bent down reaching for the page. Unable to help himself, he tucked it into his pocket, not sure on what he was going to say when he saw Scott again. There were so many things he'd wanted to say, so many apologies that Logan knew would never be enough, but given the commitment he and Scott had just made to one another, an out wouldn't be so simple. Walking away would be what most would suggest. They'd tell him to leave Scott be-to allow Scott the chance at a real future with someone who was more worthy. However, deep down Logan knew that wouldn't be an option, taking the coward's way out wouldn't provide Scott with peace, nor would it allow Logan to fulfill his promise to Scott in never letting go of what they had, yet the truth…
"Damn it," Logan cursed under his breath hearing the bell again. He pushed the page deeper into his pocket, still weighing out his options when he opened the door to discover Charles standing before him with disapproving eyes.
"I hope this isn't a bad time," Charles announced taking a surprising step forward into the foyer, "If it is, I don't really care because I want to see Scott now."
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