It's Not Me (30/?) Scott/Logan
Title: It's Not Me
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Scott/Logan
Rating: M
Word Count: 4457
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Chapter 21 | Chapter 22 | Chapter 23 | Chapter 24 | Chapter 25 | Chapter 26 | Chapter 27 | Chapter 28 | Chapter 29 |
Breathlessness consumed Scott, taking him from the heavens to the reality that he was still back in Ohio with Logan, feeling the weight of his lover's adamantium laced body extended out over the back of his spine, still caught up in passion's aftermath. Logan's arms were stretched out above Scott's head taking Scott's hands up high with him. Their fingers collided, Scott's palms twisted into loose fists intertwined with Logan's. There was a small squeeze into the sensitive skin between each digit on Scott's hand when Logan's fingers coiled tightly into the carpeting imprinting the moment between them. Logan's teeth were still clasped in Scott's shoulder, marking him in a painfully exquisite form of ownership. Scott's breath was uneven, body covered in a thin layer of sweat with Logan still inside of him, softening and contented in the moments that followed their passion. Exhaling sharply, the side of Scott's face tingled, carrying the undoubtedly noticeable signs of rug burn that weathered upon his otherwise flawless skin. It was an exquisite sting, one Scott knew wouldn't last, but it was one that marked what had been missing in Scott's life for so very long. It was a sign of belonging, of being needed and wanted by someone that had meant the world to him. Together they felt incredible, perfect in so many ways, yet apart with the world between them, it only served to remind Scott about how miserable he'd been before returning to Logan.
"I love you," Logan whispered pressing a heated kiss against the damp fringes of hair at the back of Scott's neck. With a heavy breath, he pulled out of Scott, severing the connection between them much to Scott's dismay. While the pleasures sex had provided them were now simmering down, leaving them satiated and soothed by their physical connection, Scott couldn't help, but revel in just how empty his life had been without Logan. In thinking about the time Scott had spent at the house living in a world that wasn't what he'd wanted, wasn't what he'd longed for in being isolated from the world around him, he felt his heart sink. Keeping his eyes closed he listened to the rustling sounds of Logan attempting to haphazardly clean up the mess they'd made with one another.
"Let it go Logan," Scott mouthed heavily, his words laced with the contentment he'd felt in having Logan beside him, "Don't worry about it. Just come back over here."
"You say that now, but I know later you're going to be angry with me for…" Logan crawled back up the stairs to collect Scott in his embrace.
"I don't care," Scott finally admitted reaching out to wrap his arm around Logan's. Although his body still ached in the quiet buzz of pleasure, causing him to feel weightless, he managed to pull together enough strength to reach for Logan's hand, guiding it to wrap around his still trembling form.
"You will," Logan whispered pressing another tender kiss over Scott's neck, "especially when…"
"I don't and I won't," Scott squeezed Logan's fingers tighter than before, "I just wanted to remember this-to remember you a little longer."
"Funny thing about how important a memory can be," Logan mused lazily, his fingers interlaced with Scott's once again, "you don't realize how much it means to you until you've lost it."
"I don't ever want to lose this or you again Logan," Scott divulged unable to shake the feelings that had consumed him. "If you were gone…"
"Hey," Logan whispered carefully turning Scott in his arms so that they were facing one another. His fingertips pressed over the side of Scott's face, touching the reddened skin covering his cheekbone in a tender press, "I thought we already covered this Scott. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."
"I know," Scott nodded unable to meet Logan's eyes completely, "although I can't blame you for having doubts. Hell, I thought that you'd be better off without me after the trouble I've gotten into lately…"
"We both know that line of thinking is a mistake Scott," Logan warned simply, "We've been there, done that too many times already. You don't want to lose me and I'm certainly not giving you up again. Face it regardless of what happens we're in it for the long haul now."
"So we are," Scott turned his face to the side seeing the ring on Logan's finger, "I just hope that I don't disappoint you too much."
"I wish Jean hadn't done this to you Scott," Logan blurted out thoughtlessly. "Before she stole your powers you didn't doubt yourself so much. You weren't in a constant state of turmoil over how special you are. You knew you had it going on and…"
"I was never that self-confident," Scott opened his mouth to protest.
"Maybe not, but you knew enough to see that Scott Summers is pretty damn amazing," Logan pointed out in an impassioned tone. "I think it's time you realized that he sure as hell had better be considering that I married him."
"Because he forced you into…" Scott attempted to argue the point with Logan, only to feel Logan's palm press over the center of his lips to silence him.
"Don't go there Scott because I'm fairly certain that you know that isn't the case. We already had this discussion and besides," Logan searched his eyes once again, "I know you were in my head when we were together before, so I'm certain you felt what I was thinking. I know you know the truth."
Scott closed his eyes and sighed, "I know I promised I wouldn't, but I just needed to know…"
"Did you get your answers?" Logan eased his fingers into Scott's damp, dark hair, "Can you finally let go of the notion that you aren't the most important thing in the world to me?"
"Did you feel my thoughts?" Scott reopened his eyes to look up at Logan, "Could you feel what I was feeling?"
"I have a lot of ways to sense what you're feeling Scott," Logan massaged his fingers over Scott's jaw line, "My instincts alone can sense things that most others can't and…"
"Could you feel my thoughts though Logan like I could feel yours?" Scott questioned blinking up at him. "I tried to reveal myself to you completely. I was afraid at first of crossing that boundary, but I thought it only fair to try to let you see what you do for me."
Logan nodded breathlessly, "I just wish there wasn't so much doubt intermingled with the pleasure you were experiencing."
"I don't know what's wrong with me Logan," Scott sighed resting his head against Logan's chest when they relocated to the living room floor with one another, "It's like ever since I was stripped of my powers there's this emptiness inside of me-like a huge chunk of what guided me on is missing. A part of my confidence and sense of security went with it. I thought that I'd found it again, but now…I can't help, but feel like that lost teenager again at times, who doesn't know what to make of the world around him."
"I don't make you feel that way, do I?" Logan questioned leaning back against the carpet and taking Scott over him more completely. Wrapping his arm around Scott's damp skin, he couldn't help, but sigh, "I haven't caused this, have I?"
"No," Scott replied quietly, "this all started a long time ago. It's been building for a while and after I lost my powers, well, first came the nightmares and then the helplessness."
"You aren't helpless Scott," Logan reminded him with a tight squeeze. "You were never helpless. You said it yourself. You're not a victim anymore."
"You didn't see me during that time I was away," Scott divulged raising his head up to meet Logan's eyes again, "Aside from that period in time when you and I came together again, I was far from being centered. I was lost and uncertain about which direction to go in. There was this part of me that felt the huge void in being without you, my powers and without…"
"Without what?" Logan sensed Scott tensing up beneath him.
"I think a part of me knew when Jean died," Scott exhaled slowly, "At least I thought I did at the time. When she was gone I felt it. It opened the void further, but now…"
"What do you mean?" Logan questioned feeling Scott shift in his arms, "How did you know?"
"When Jean and I were younger she forged a bond between us. In some cases it comes naturally between two people in a relationship over time, but with her powers, well, it was easier to enter into," Scott finally confessed with an uneasiness in his voice. "When we first became lovers I didn't ever anticipate a time when I didn't want it there, but eventually I was terrified that it would be the end of life as I knew it."
"Your bond?" Logan asked feeling Scott pull away from him.
"Our psychic link," Scott sat upright on the floor, bringing his fingers through his hair, "When she'd first asked, I didn't mind us having it, but over time I feared it. I tried to shut her out after I realized I had feelings for you, but as we discovered she knew about it anyway."
"Scott…" Logan watched him closely, seeing Scott's eyes fall to a close.
"When Jean stripped me of my powers I lost track of myself. It's those three months that followed after the lake that Ororo wants me remember, but there's only one thing that I can recall from all of that," Scott curled his fingers into the carpeting beneath him, "It's the one thing that I've been thinking about over the last couple of days."
"Which is?" Logan questioned.
"Jean's death," Scott reopened his eyes and turned to look at Logan once again, "I could feel her dying. I could hear her screams when she was trapped inside of Phoenix. She was begging for a reprieve, desperate to escape, but she couldn't. She wanted to, but it was too strong. Up until the point where you…"
"Scott," Logan sat up and touched his shoulder.
"You saved her when you released her," Scott trembled at the memory, unable to shake the chill that surrounded him. "You set her free Logan."
"I only wish I would've done the same for your thoughts before it came to this point," Logan divulged wrapping his arm around Scott's shoulders, "and if Jean's still out there…"
"When she died I was enveloped in darkness," Scott informed him nervously, "It was that blackness that surrounded me for three months, pulling me away from the rest of the world until I emerged as something different. When I wound up here things had changed…"
"Do you think it's possible that…?" Logan pondered the thought for a moment.
"That she emerged as well after those three months?" Scott finished for him. "I honestly don't know Logan, but with the psychic link that we shared with one another, I can't help, but wonder if that's what's been causing all of this. If she is out there caught up in a place of madness, then it stands to reason that the link between us would only intensify my madness and…"
"You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?" Logan questioned curiously.
Scott nodded, "To be inside of someone's mind holds an incredible weight of power. As you saw earlier despite all of my promises to accept our boundaries, even now I find it hard to resist temptation. It's a rush like none other and I never realized it until I was the one doing it. When Jean was inside of me, sometimes it was remarkable-incredible in it's own right, but then at other times it scared the hell out of me. It's a very intense, deep, all consuming penetration that seduces your senses and…"
"I can see the allure associated in it just by our few exchanges with one another," Logan replied seeing Scott's features twisted in his confession. "I can't imagine how hard it could be for someone to hold back on it when it surrounded them all the time. What we felt together was so strong Scott and…"
"It goes beyond sex Logan. It's addictive and the most intimate two people can be with one another. In being able to share each other's thoughts, to be immersed in the most private of exchanges-to unmask every, undisclosed secret thought down to the last detail," Scott's breath grew labored, "It's all consuming and…"
"Do you still feel it like you did before where Jean is concerned?" Logan asked already sensing the answer.
"Sometimes I feel like she's inside of me guiding my thoughts, forcing my hand," Scott let out an ironic laugh, "She tells me as much when I see her in my mind. She says that I'll never be free of her because we're joined as one, linked forever."
"You don't believe that, do you?" Logan questioned with an uneasiness in his voice.
"Sometimes I think that could be the reasoning behind the madness. I often wonder if maybe that's why she's haunting me now because I let her inside the first time. I don't know…" Scott shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe it's all in my head with my subconscious trying to fill that void that she left inside of me. Then again with the way she speaks to me maybe that in itself should've been a sign that she's not dead-that all of this isn't just my imagination."
"For argument's sake, let's roll with the theory that she's out there somewhere taking advantage of the situation. With this link you said she opened it between the two of you a long time ago, yes?" Logan prompted curiously.
Scott nodded, "We were both really young at the time. It was a stupid decision in retrospect, but at the time I'd been blinded by romantic overtures and the idea of being able to share that kind of deep, profound connection with another person felt like an incredible suggestion. In battle we were able to communicate on a level that no one else was capable of. It made us stronger, more indestructible without even trying. We were a step ahead of the game in that respect and it felt good. It was like truly being a part of a team, but it went beyond that. To have Jean and I able to merge together on a spiritual level was very enticing and…"
"Spiritual," Logan repeated with a wrinkled expression on his face.
"I was really into the whole romantic, idealistic fantasy of completion Logan. I craved acceptance, belonging and having someone who wasn't going to leave me. I knew what it was like to feel abandoned, so when someone wanted to share everything with me, I was seduced by the notion-wanting to feel that kind of bond," Scott divulged taking in an uneasy breath. He twisted on the floor, keeping his eyes away from Logan when he sighed, "I couldn't fathom anything more intimate than being able to know what my lover was thinking and finding ways to please her-to make her happy in every way imaginable so she'd want to stay unlike the others I lost."
"So you used the link as a how to guide in learning what Jean liked and disliked?" Logan couldn't help, but let out an uneasy laugh. "That in itself says a lot about the relationship Scott."
"It wasn't just about sex," Scott scoffed with a huff before shaking his head, "It was about a deeper understanding of one another. It set us apart from everyone else in the sense that we were always connected. It wasn't as trivial as a how to guide to Jean's desires. It was far more complicated."
"Scott, hey, I didn't mean to imply that…" Logan attempted to recover from his last statement.
"Unless you experience it, it's hard to explain," Scott interrupted with a tiny shiver overtaking his naked form. "You and I have had a small taste of what it's like, but we haven't taken it to that level."
"Level?" Logan repeated.
Scott nodded again, "We haven't tried experiencing it continuously. Sure, we've sparingly used it during sex for fantasy, but that's only a small percentage of what can be done with that kind of link. If I had the control and focus to establish something that powerful with us, then we could always see one another, always reach out to the other even when it seemed that we were a million miles away. It's very complex, but…"
"So you're saying that this link is always open," Logan questioned curiously, "or can it be shut off with practice?"
"Maybe a little bit of both. With Jean I wasn't the one that initiated it, so at first I never really fully understood everything it entailed. Eventually when it felt like it was out of control, I stopped seeing it as an intimate exchange. While it was nice in the beginning, it escalated to what felt like an invasion and I worked to close her out of my mind. The more uncomfortable I became, the more I struggled to keep her from getting inside," Scott let out an ironic laugh, "I know she felt it, but I'm not sure I was really ever able to close it off. Even now in knowing what we do about how much she saw with you and I…"
"She sounded surprised in the journal," Logan pondered aloud, "which tends to imply that perhaps she wasn't constantly immersed in your thoughts. It wasn't until she saw things confirmed with her own eyes that…"
"I don't know. There were times when I thought I'd effectively kept her out and moments where I know she was blocking me…especially when you came around," Scott let out an ironic laugh. "That was a huge sign that things were changing."
"That she started shutting you out?" Logan couldn't help, but ask.
"That we were both trying to keep the other in the dark about what we wanted," Scott bit back on the laughter that built in his throat, "Ironic that we both wanted the same thing now, isn't it?"
"Considering you were both sharing thoughts for so long, I suppose it's possible that over time you both started to…have similar tastes," Logan cleared his throat while taking in Scott's words.
"So what? You think that I wanted you because she did and vice versa?" Scott couldn't help, but groan outwardly, his blue eyes filled with hurt and insult. "Are you saying that you believe I'm only attracted to you because Jean was?"
"Do you believe that?" Logan countered watching Scott tense up beside him.
"No, not at all. She liked a lot of things that I couldn't stand for the longest time," Scott divulged quietly before shrugging his shoulders.
"Gee thanks for letting me know what category I fell into," Logan couldn't help, but laugh.
"That's not what I mean," Scott couldn't help, but roll his eyes at Logan, "With Jean we were very different even with the link between us. As for you I knew I was attracted to you almost immediately even if I didn't understand it at the time. Jean wasn't around when Ororo and I found you and our link, well, it wasn't guiding either one of us at the time. On that ride back to the school after I rescued you, there was something about you I couldn't quite shake-that familiarity that I didn't quite understand at the time."
"Because it was taken from our minds," Logan nodded quietly.
"More so than I'd imagined," Scott sighed poignantly, his face overtaken with a shadow of contemplation.
"Scott?" Logan touched his shoulder, feeling Scott tense up at the touch.
"It doesn't matter. That still really has no relevance on the link that Jean and I had before. I wish I understood the dynamics to a greater degree, but I wasn't the one controlling them with Jean. Now that I have those powers growing inside of me, evolving on my own instead of her sharing them with me I'm still not completely versed on what can be done with them," Scott tipped his head to the side to look at Logan.
"But it's possible with concentration and some work at it, that you could channel them into forging another bond if need be, yes?" Logan inquired eyeing Scott with heavy scrutiny.
"I suppose if I put some work into it I could go beyond what we've dabbled in with one another," Scott shrugged his shoulders and nodded, "why?"
"Because if she's out there and you can channel it-if that piece of the link between the two of you isn't severed completely, then it stands to reason with your new powers that you could find her," Logan deduced pondering what Scott had said to him. "With a little practice and training you could seek her out. You could try to appeal to her if she's still waiting and…"
"I've thought of that, but I'm afraid Logan. I wasn't always comfortable experiencing it with her especially at the end of our relationship. When her thoughts grew darker, I was terrified. Even now after the visions I've been having, it scares the hell out of me to willingly invite that into my subconscious all over again. It might be our only chance at stopping this, but I have to wonder if I go for it in trying that I might not find my way back the next time. I've already had so many close encounters with madness that to willingly push the envelope for results feels like suicide. I feel like a coward, but if I lose all control in seeking her out, then I've lost in essence the one thing I've always held onto through the years. It's part of what defined who I am and without it…," Scott stopped himself and let out an ironic laugh, "I'll bet you never thought you'd live to see the day that I'd be so readily admitting to all of my fears, allowing them to pour out to you so freely."
"We're all afraid of something Slim. I know it's a lot to ask of you and if you don't want to do it, then you're well within your rights to refuse. Finding Jean may be a priority for everyone, but not at the risk of you losing your sanity," Logan embraced Scott again, "And you're not a coward for having doubts about this."
"I feel like it at times especially lately," Scott admitted with a painful sigh. "I'm not supposed to immerse myself in fear and hesitation. That's how people end up dying or worse Logan."
"Hey," Logan smoothed his fingers over Scott's spine, hoping to soothe his worries, "just because we have the fears, it doesn't mean we have to succumb to them."
"That's exactly what I've been doing Logan. I've been hiding from my responsibilities because of them. I've been running away from duty and ignoring what needs to be done. It's given me an excuse to bury myself beneath them so that I don't have to face what I know is expected of me," Scott tipped his head to the side, his jaw clenched with uneasiness. "How many times have I simply found a reason to put things off because it was easier than the inevitable confrontations that would follow?"
"You needed a break Scott. For a while there you weren't even taking the time to breathe…" Logan opened his mouth in protest.
"What I need is to get my head together. I need to realize that this sudden procrastination has been brought on by whatever it is that's overwhelming me. Fear has been an easy place to hide in, but it's done nothing for me in regaining my life again. It's done nothing for us Logan," Scott sat up straighter, a look of determination crossing over his twisted features. "I've hesitated in taking action, which tells me that I've either truly fallen over the edge in losing myself to my fears or that this link between Jean and I is being used to manipulate me into holding back."
"To keep from finding her?" Logan realized watching Scott nod again.
"If she's out there, she's been doing a damn good job of hiding herself if no one has been able to locate her. The mere fact that she's been reaching out to me, no matter how horrible it's been to endure says that perhaps a part of her wants to be found. Maybe she wants to be reached and…" Scott's mind began to turn with possibilities.
"And what?" Logan questioned seeing something pass over Scott's features.
"We've been going about this all wrong," Scott finally decided after a moment's contemplation, "We shouldn't be focusing on me and those three months, but rather that time Jean was at Alkali Lake waiting to remerge."
"Why do you say that?" Logan inquired bringing a hand up through his dark, unruly hair.
"Because that's when I think everything changed. If we can pinpoint exactly what happened to Jean, then we can figure out everything that's followed," Scott snapped his fingers together, "Logan, Jean's the key in all of this. Something tells me we were wrong in believing that she'd simply cocooned herself for all that time."
"Scott, you said before when you found her that…" Logan opened his mouth to speak up.
"There was a lot happening Logan and considering that we were at Stryker's compound at the time, I'm going to take a guess that something more was happening. Stryker might've died that day, but his associates still remained. If they somehow found Jean when she was out there…"
"You don't think that…" Logan's eyes widened with surprise, "They couldn't have…"
"I wouldn't put it past them," Scott finally decided armed with a new determination to search for the past, "and something tells me whatever it is that they did to her is something that Xavier knows."
"Xavier," Logan blinked back at him, "why would he…?"
"Because he didn't tell us that Jean was the one that invaded the school. He didn't mention that she was there the night I almost died. Granted I know he wasn't in a good place himself at the time, but eventually he had to have figured it out. He knows more than he's letting on Logan. I'm certain that he's hiding something," Scott finished in an impassioned tone, "and it's about high time that we find out what it is."
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