GL - Movie Night - Part 63
Title: Movie Night
Author: critic2000
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: PG-13 to start, for violence (non-sexual) and language. I am not any kind of a medical expert so if there are some glaring errors, please forgive me.
Disclaimer: I don’t own the Guiding Light characters, they belong to CBS and Proctor and Gamble.
Summary: This is set in the spring of 2009. I’ve taking some liberties with the storyline, mainly Natalia never slept with Frank, hence no engagement etc. So our girls have been just continuing forward raising Emma and getting closer to each other though they are still technically just friends, but that will change… This is a hurt/comfort story so they are headed on a rough ride.
Author’s Note: This is my first fan fiction so please be gentle. This would not have been possible if not for the persistent nudging and awesome editing of my beta/great friend croftlara. Comments are welcome.
( Part 1 ) ( Parts 2 & 3 ) ( Part 4 ) ( Parts 5 & 6 ) ( Part 7 ) ( Part 8 ) ( Part 9 ) ( Part 10 ) ( Part 11 ) ( Part 12 ) ( Part 13 ) ( Parts 14 & 15 ) ( Part 16 ) ( Part 17 ) ( Part 18 ) ( Part 19 ) ( Part 20 ) ( Part 21 ) ( Part 22 ) ( Part 23 ) ( Part 24 ) ( Part 25 ) ( Part 26 ) ( Part 27 ) ( Part 28 ) ( Part 29 ) ( Part 30 ) ( Part 31 ) ( Part 32 ) ( Part 33 ) ( Chapter 34 ) ( Part 35 ) ( Part 36 ) ( Part 37 ) ( Part 38 ) ( Part 39 ) ( Part 40 ) ( Part 41 ) ( Part 42 ) ( Part 43 ) ( Part 44 ) ( Part 45 ) ( Part 46 ) ( Part 47 ) ( Part 48 ) ( Part 49 ) ( Part 50 ) ( Chapter51)( Chapter52) ( Part 53 ) ( Chapter 54 ) ( Part 55 )( Part 56 )( Part 57 ) ( Part 58 ) ( Part 59 ) ( Part 60 A )( Part 60 B ) ( Part 61 ) ( Part 62 )
Chapter 63
Fuck you Rick Bauer! The words resonated in her head as a furious Olivia stalked around Dr. Felicia Boudreau’s office. Felicia simply sat comfortably as she watched Olivia stomp from one end of the room to the other and waited for the upset woman to finally speak.
“He put you up to this, didn’t he?” Olivia turned and yelled at the quiet psychiatrist.
Feigning ignorance Felicia asked, “Who do you mean?”
“Don’t play innocent with me lady. Bauer. Ya know your former son-in-law?”
Trying to get Olivia back on course Felicia ignored the accusation, held out her hand and indicated the chair across from her, “Why don’t you come and sit down?”
Olivia looked at her stunned, somehow this woman actually expected her to go on with this charade. “I don’t think so; I’m going to the park with my kid. She’s waiting.” She turned and just as she reached the door and grabbed the handle she heard the doctor’s voice again.
“Phillip and Natalia have already left with Emma.”
Olivia spun on her heel and glared at the calm looking woman.
“I can’t make you stay Olivia. If you want to talk I have time.”
“You expect me to sit here and talk about my feelings while my daughter might be upset? I think you’ve been taking too many of your own happy pills lady if you actually believe I’m going to do this.”
“I don’t expect anything Olivia; I’m just offering my help for you and your daughter. I know the three of you went through something unimaginable and I think you realize just how much this is affecting Emma. I only want to help you through your feelings… if you’ll let me. ”
“Ya know what pisses me off? How everybody wants to help and they actually think they’re helping…. coming in on their great white horses to rescue the damsels in distress, when all they’re doing is just making it harder!”
Felicia sat back and waited for Olivia to continue, she had a feeling the right nerve had been struck.
Olivia continued to pace as she angrily scrubbed her face with her hands emitting a cross between a growl and a groan. “They go in there and ‘fix’ everything, like that’s going to magically make everything all better…” Olivia threw her arms in the air. “So what we can just go home now like nothing happened, to our freshly bleached house our friends so thoughtfully white washed?” Olivia fought her emotions and stood shaking her head as she pinched the bridge of her nose to hopefully quell the raging storm of emotion she was facing.
Don’t stop now. Dr. Boudreau silently prayed. She didn’t understand exactly what Olivia was talking about but she was sure the picture would be fully painted soon enough. “So the house is ready for you but you’re not ready for it.” It wasn’t so much a question as an observation; Olivia had allowed herself to open up enough to show Dr. Boudreau at least one of the challenges she was facing.
Olivia stared at the doctor for a moment, stunned at how easily Felicia had summed up the issue. Wow hit that nail right on the head, didn’t you? Olivia solemnly nodded, walked over to the chair across from the doctor and dropped heavily into it feeling that sick pit in stomach as she always did at the mention of home. “Jeffrey, Josh, Billy, Shane… I don’t know who else all fixed up the farmhouse.” Olivia could barely keep her voice steady. “I think it’s almost ready for us.” Her mouth now dry Olivia licked her lips and swallowed. The action did not go unnoticed.
“Would you like some water?”
Olivia whispered a ‘Please’ though sticky lips.
Felicia rose from her chair went over to the clear pitcher of water she kept on a shelf along the wall, poured a glass, walked back to Olivia to hand it to her.
Olivia willed her hand not to shake as she took the glass and thirstily drank the cool liquid until it was gone.
Dr. Boudreau waited until Olivia had finished her drink before she asked, “Why are you afraid to go home Olivia?”
Olivia sat shaking her head as though if she said it out loud her fears would all come true. “I can’t.” She whispered. “I just can’t.” Tears filled her eyes but she was powerless to stop them from falling. “I mean it was my first real home with Emma. It represented a safe place away from the stress and craziness of work and ‘life’… where we could just be, and… Emma, Natalia and I, that’s where we became a family,” Olivia paused before adding, “I loved that house.”
Dr. Boudreau noted how Olivia spoke in the past tense, as though it was all gone. “What does it represent now?”
Olivia’s face crumbled and she struggled to speak, “Blood… pain… shame… they took it, they took everything that house was and turned it into something horrible.” Olivia clutched the arms of the chair until her knuckles were white, she could feel her blood pressure rising in concert with her anger, “ They hurt us, they scared us, they could have killed my baby… Natalia. Oh God.” Olivia sniffled and gulped in air, losing her already loosely held control again at the sick notion someone could have hurt her little Jellybean. “They nearly did kill her. I couldn’t stop it, I let it happen… all of it… I couldn’t…” Her tears flowed freely now, her head bowed. “I was weak and I couldn’t stop them. I tried, I promise but I couldn’t.” Olivia began rocking, “It’s my fault, all my fault…”
Felicia sat across from the distraught woman waiting for her to get back her composure enough to be able to continue. We have a lot of work to do Olivia, a lot of work…
***
“Daddy can we have ice cream first?” Emma asked as Phillip held her hand while they left the hospital and started toward his car.
“Sure kiddo, ice cream then the park.”
“Natalia how many scoops can I have?” Emma asked hopefully, “Can I have three?”
“Sure, whatever you like…” Natalia answered absently as she continued to walk obviously deep in thought.
Phillip looked at Natalia, who was visibly distracted, before he bent down to Emma, “I think what Natalia meant was two scoops of ice cream, as it is you’ll probably ruin your dinner.”
Natalia looked up as she heard her name, suddenly embarrassed for not having been paying attention. “I’m sorry Emma, your father’s right.”
“It’s okay Natalia, I usually only get one scoop so I thought if I asked for three then maybe I’d get two.”
Both adults looked down at Emma who mouthed, ‘oops’ at realizing her secret plan was out.
“Wow, you are so much like your mother it’s scary. Little negotiator, eh?” Phillip was slightly in awe.
Natalia just smiled, she had already assumed Emma had an angle. “Well today is special so two scoops.”
“Yay! Do we have to tell mommy?”
Natalia’s face fell, “Umm… no we don’t.”
When they arrived at the car, Phillip opened the door for Emma who climbed in and belted up without having to be asked. Natalia went to walk around the back of the car to go to the passenger side when Phillip closed the door leaving Emma inside and grabbed Natalia’s elbow. “Stop worrying, Olivia’s going to be fine; she’s just having a session with Dr. Boudreau.”
“What? A ‘session’?” Something didn’t seem right. “When did she decide to see Dr. Boudreau?”
“Well hopefully about five minutes after we left.” Phillip smiled at the stealthily crafted scheme to help Olivia.
Phillip let go of her arm and turned just about to open his car door before Natalia stopped him. “Wait, Phillip, what? I don’t understand.”
“Rick thought she needed to talk to someone so he asked Felicia to clear her schedule after Emma.”
“Oh Phillip,” Natalia put her hand over her mouth. “You didn’t trick Olivia, did you?”
“Well technically it was Rick and the good doctor but yeah, I suppose we did trick her.” Phillip took in the look of disdain on Natalia’s face and assured her, “It was for her own good.”
“That’s not right.”
“Look she doesn’t have to stay and talk if she doesn’t want to, it’s not like anyone is forcing her but the option is there.” Phillip comforted.
“She’s going to be angry.”
Phillip chuckled, “Well that’s why you, me and Emma are heading to the park. Didn’t think Emma should hear her yelling in case Olivia didn’t think it was a good idea.”
“Oh how thoughtful of you.” Natalia said sarcastically.
“Natalia, it’ll be okay.”
Natalia turned back toward the hospital, “I should be there.”
“No, right now, she needs someone objective.” Phillip lay his hand on Natalia’s arm, “Just let her do this. She’ll be okay.”
Natalia’s eyes look wistfully back toward the entrance to the hospital for another moment before she lowered her head and sighed. I should be there but she would want me with Emma. Natalia nodded her acquiescence toward Phillip then reluctantly walked to the passenger side and hopped in the car knowing Olivia was not going to be happy at all.
***
Dr. Boudreau leaned toward Olivia, “Why do you say it was your fault?”
Olivia sat back and pressed the heels of her hands over her eyes, shook her head slowly and sighed, “I didn’t lock the door. I’ve taken that as my job because Natalia never thinks of it for some reason… but I failed. Such a little job and I failed.”
“And that would have prevented everything that happened? They wouldn’t have forced the door?”
Frustrated, Olivia stood suddenly and began pacing the room again. Nobody understands this! “Maybe they would have forced the door but maybe it would have given me time to get my family out of harm’s way and grab my gun.” Olivia marched up to Dr. Boudreau, “I’m not crazy, ya know? You can sit there and judge me and think I’m nuts for thinking I could have done something but you don’t get it! They’re my family, they count on me to protect them, I could have sent them upstairs even if I couldn’t get to my gun, I could have faced the men, I could have taken the brunt with them safely hidden away!” Olivia’s face crumbled, “I could have…” Olivia gasped for air, “I could have…”
Dr. Boudreau willed her patient to calm down, she knew of Olivia’s physical condition and the more she got worked up the more concerned Felicia became. “Wait! Olivia as much as we’d like to, we cannot change past events and there are always going to be variables beyond our control. Do you think a lock would have stopped them?”
Olivia only looked at Dr. Boudreau unsure she was capable of conceding this point yet.
“Did you invite them in?”
“Of course not!” Olivia shot back, offended.
“Did you put a sign on the door saying ‘unlocked’?”
“Don’t be absurd.”
“Whose choice was it to break into your house?”
“Danny’s.”
“Whose decision was it to rob then murder the grocery store clerk?”
Olivia considered briefly, finally understanding what Felicia was trying to get her to understand, “Theirs.”
“The point Olivia is that you can’t change the reality of what happened and you can’t take ownership of someone else’s decisions. So how is it your fault Olivia if they put themselves on that path?”
Olivia shook her head still not willing to give up the belief she had options that night which may have changed the outcome. “Okay, so I didn’t invite them in, I didn’t make it happen but I should have done things differently, I should have stood up more.” I should have been stronger. Olivia sighed as she walked over to a shelf and absently picked up and toyed with a wooden statue she found.
Olivia placed the statue back on the shelf and turned back to the doctor, “You don’t understand, It shouldn’t have been up to Natalia to get my gun and take matters into her own hands.” Olivia shuddered suddenly cold, “The blood on her hands… it’ll never wash off. What if this changes her? How could it not?”
Felicia watched as Olivia looked thoughtfully out the window and wiped a stray tear from her cheek before she continued, “She doesn’t talk about it but she’s really religious and so sweet and gentle, I’m afraid this will destroy her eventually. She’s an ‘innocent’ she should never have been tainted by violence... never…”
“What about you Olivia? Aren’t you an ‘innocent’ as you put it?”
Olivia snorted, instantly amused, as she turned toward Dr. Boudreau, “Not for a very long time.”
“Oh I think we’re all meant to be innocent from that kind of violence Olivia.”
Olivia thought about this, “You’re right.” Olivia lowered her head shyly, “I just… she didn’t deserve the burden she has to carry now. I don’t want this to change her or god forbid, dim that light in her eyes. I couldn’t bear that knowing I might have prevented it.”
“Do you deserve that burden?”
Olivia looked into Felicia’s eyes and sincerely answered, “I’ve done things… Some things I regret, some things I don’t… what’s one more ‘thing’ thrown on top of that pile?”
Felicia wondered what she meant but decided to leave it for another time choosing instead to go back to an earlier point, “Tell me, how could you have stood up more?”
Olivia took in a deep breath and considered the question as she had hundreds of times in her mind before, reevaluating what she might have done differently, the moment she thought she had an opportunity and how she had blown it.
She shrugged at the patiently waiting doctor and shook her head as her gaze carried to the far wall as if to see back in time. Sighing out a heavy breath Olivia unconsciously raised a hand to her head and rubbed at the area where she had connected with the wall.
“I don’t know, moved faster? Ducked?” She allowed herself a wry smile.
Felicia’s face remained unchanged as she watched as her patient continued to massage around her hairline, “What happened?” she said indicating with her eyes Olivia’s actions and drawing attention to what she was doing.
Olivia stopped and looked down before admitting, “I thought I had an opportunity and I took it. Danny was panicking as his brother had passed out and he grabbed Natalia…” she paused, remembering with vivid clarity the sudden increase in noise as Danny yelled at Natalia to make Brian wake up and Emma’s scream as she pushed her away so she could tackle Danny. She pulled her mouth, swallowing, “He backhanded me against the wall.”
“So you were overpowered.”
Olivia flicked her eyes in renewed annoyance and though disgusted with herself admitted. “Yes, I was overpowered.”
“That must have been frightening.”
Olivia snorted at the absurdity of the comment, “Ya think?” Olivia walked over to the window and looked out, her family was out there, somewhere. Playing, eating ice cream and she was stuck here answering stupid questions. I was terrified; I’ve never been so scared in my life. Olivia turned her back to the window and noticed Felicia patiently waiting for her to continue. “Fine, yes, it was scary. Damn it!” Olivia felt like she was revealing too much, she was losing control. She moved over to the corner of the room, absently searching for a place to hide from the barrage of questions, each one tearing off another strip of armour she had built up. But no matter where she went, the questions followed.
“They threatened you, threatened Emma.”
She glared and tight-lipped forced out, “They held a gun on me.”
“Seems to me Olivia, you didn’t have much choice but to comply.”
Olivia let out a guttural moan and slammed her hand against the wall creating a loud slap then yelled, “It wasn’t enough!”
“Do you think yourself some kind of ‘superhuman’?”
Olivia stepped out of the corner, hands fisted, ready for battle, “What the fuck do you want from me? I’m not stupid, I know what you’re saying and I want so much to believe it but I needed to stop what was happening… It should have been me!” Squeezing her eyes shut Olivia tried to steady her breathing, her words came out in a whisper while she fought a torrent of impending tears, “They could have died… and I couldn’t stop it.” Her fisted hand thumped her chest, “I should have been the one with the gun if anyone were to be shot it should have been me.”
“Why is it okay for you to be shot and not Natalia?”
The words burst out before she could stop them, “Because I love her! She’s never done anything in her entire life to deserve this!”
“And you have? You deserve to be shot in front of your daughter?”
Olivia shook her head furiously, “You still don’t get it…”
“Yes I do Olivia. You need to be the hero… her hero more specifically.”
Olivia looked stricken. How the hell did she keep doing this? Disgusted with herself, Olivia continued, “Well my big moment of action didn’t even happen until Natalia got my kid out of the room and got to my gun, so so much for being the hero.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I finally jumped Danny and smashed his head into the ground until he was unconscious… I couldn’t stop… I just couldn’t…” Olivia snorted, “So yeah, some hero I am, leaping into action after he shot Natalia.”
“You did what you had to do. What would have happened if you had not subdued him?”
Olivia shook her head to order her thoughts, when the pieces fell into place and she had to consider what could have been had she not been successful, it turned her stomach. Haltingly she acknowledged, “He would have shot me.” Echoes of her dream came back to haunt her and she continued, her mouth dry, “Emma.”
Dr. Boudreau noted the paleness of Olivia’s face and the troubled look in her eyes, “What would have happened to Natalia if you had been shot too?”
“I can’t think about that…”
Felicia noticed Olivia withdrawing again; she needed to keep her in the moment, no matter how painful it would be. “Olivia if you hadn’t been there to stem the flow of blood, what would have happened to Natalia?”
“Doctor, I…” Olivia couldn’t bear to say the words.
“It’s okay Olivia, you can say it.” Dr. Boudreau insisted.
Olivia spat out the words, “She would have died!” Olivia stumbled toward the chair, unsure if her now weak and shaky legs could continue to hold her.
Seeing the distress her patient was in Dr. Boudreau calmly leaned forward and patted the seat across from her again, silently willing Olivia to sit.
And when Olivia did make it to the chair she carefully eased her body onto it. “Take some deep breaths Olivia. It’s okay, you’re safe.” Without asking Felicia stood and refilled Olivia’s water glass from the pitcher on the shelf and handed the liquid to her patient. This time Olivia’s hands trembled considerably more than before, so much she took the glass with both hands. When her patient had appeared to regain some control Felicia continued, “So maybe things played out exactly as they should have. Natalia didn’t die Olivia. You saved her life.”
Olivia sat across from Dr. Boudreau with tears streaming down her face and for the first time she got it. So lost had Olivia been in her belief she could have changed the course of that night she didn’t realize how integral her part had been.
“If you had been the one shot then you wouldn’t have had the control to subdue Danny, take care of Natalia and make sure Emma was okay. I do know that about you Olivia, you like to be in control. I know you would have given anything to have been able to take Natalia’s pain away but it was her pain, it was never meant for you.”
Olivia sat, stunned silent. The only sounds in the room were the staggered sniffles Olivia couldn’t hold back.
***
“Daddy push higher!” Emma called out from her perch on the swing as Phillip tried to keep up with her demands.
“You’re becoming a little daredevil, you know that?” Phillip said as he gave the swing a huge shove.
Emma laughed and yelled “Weeee” as she rose higher and higher.
Natalia watched from the park bench on the edge of the playground. For what seemed like the hundredth time she glanced at her wrist looking at a non-existent watch, cursed herself for not wearing one then pulled out her phone to check the display. Where are you Olivia? Are you okay? Not even ice cream or watching Emma play could draw her out of her worry for her friend. Natalia rationalized Olivia would have called or met them at the park by now if she had not stayed for a session. In Natalia’s mind that was almost worse because Olivia could be in emotional distress and she wasn’t there to hold her and reassure it would be okay.
“Natalia!”
Natalia looked at her phone and begged it to ring when she heard the little voice calling her name. Emma ran over to her and took Natalia’s hand. “Come play with me on the teeter-totter.”
Natalia allowed herself to be pulled toward the toy as Phillip looked on. He had missed so many of these moments with his daughter. Phillip mentally shook his head and decided not to dwell on what could have been but instead look forward to the future. He would see his daughter grow up. He would have the opportunity now to be there for her when she had challenges to face and he got to share in the joy of watching her be a happy little girl playing in a park. Phillip waved at Emma as she smiled at him and he wiped away the tears stinging at his eyes.
***
“How dare you!” Olivia pushed Rick Bauer against the wall as she stood close enough for him to feel her breath on his face, poking him in the chest with an accusatory finger, “Who do you think you are manipulating me like that?”
Rick pulled away from the wall and smoothed out his shirt, “How are you Olivia?”
“Fuck you Rick!” Olivia yelled.
“Hey!” Rick took the angry woman by the elbow and lead her into his office, “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t use that kind of language in the hallway.” Rick closed the door behind them. “So you’ve spoken to Dr. Boudreau,” Rick looked at the clock on the wall then directly into Olivia’s eyes, “and considering the time, I take it you talked to her for quite awhile? And judging by your bloodshot eyes, she got somewhere?”
Olivia was embarrassed, she turned her head so she could hide her weakness, “You had no right to set me up like that!”
Rick remained calm though he wouldn’t have been surprised if Olivia hauled off and punched him, “I was worried…”
“That’s none of your business!” Olivia interrupted.
“Hey! You’re my patient and I hope my friend. I was worried so I asked Felicia to see if you wanted to talk. It seems you did.”
“That’s not the point and you know it.”
“Maybe I overstepped,” Rick admitted, “but it was for your own good.”
“Why don’t you let me worry about my ‘own good’ thank you? I’d love to stand here and yell at you some more but I need to find Emma and make sure she’s okay.”
Rick nodded, “Fine and remember Olivia you’re doing this for her.”
Olivia spun on Rick and pointed her finger at him, “Don’t you ever use my kid against me again or so help me God…” Olivia let the impending threat hang in the air between them.
Olivia turned and pulled open the office door and as she began to walk through it an unfazed Rick called out, “Answer me this Olivia, when’s your next appointment?”
Olivia let out a low growl then ground out, “Next Monday after Emma’s,” before she slammed the door leaving Rick alone in his office sporting a grin.
***To Be Continued***