Map of your head (chapter 20)
Title: Map of your head
Fandom: U-KISS
Characters & Pairings: Elvin, Xander, OFC, other possible episodic characters
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Humor, Drama
Summary: "Because the language confuses, like computers refuse to understand how I'm feeling today."
Eli is new to this world. Kevin makes him feel like home.
Disclaimer: The title belongs to English rock-band Muse, as well as the lyrics, extracted from their 2002 album entitled ”Hullabaloo”. I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with the named group, or any characters presented in this writing. No copyright infringement intended.
Read: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19
Month three. Day ten.
Although no major incidents occurred for the next few days, Eli still had to endure painful encounters with Kiseop wherever he went, because apparently he had built some sort of inner radar that allowed him to know where Eli was, in any moment of the day and make his life miserable by showing up during the most inconvenient times. He was there when Eli wanted to take a break and drink a glass of water, he came from around the corner just as Eli was about to take the long way around, just to avoid passing through the first floor and simply had to make an entrance wherever the older had business to attend to. He didn’t know if he was doing it intentionally or not, but Eli was fairly sure he was enjoying it just as much as he hated it.
To make matters worse, Kevin didn’t seem to be too bothered by his wall-to-wall presence, although he’d still restrain himself from talking to Kiseop. Eli believed he was only doing it because he asked him to, since whenever they’d meet by accident on the corridors or in the library, Kevin hesitated in walking away and seemed like he just wanted to go over him. Even if he did indeed distant himself in the end, he’d look back until he lost sight of him and that upset Eli to no extent.
He didn’t know why Kevin appeared to be so unsure of the promise he’d made to Eli, that of avoiding Kiseop by any cost, since they’ve talked about it countless times and the younger assured him he wanted him gone just as much as Eli did. Yet still, he couldn’t help but notice the look of yearning plastered on his face each time he saw Kiseop, even if it was from afar.
Alexander advised him to just let things be as they were, as Kevin wouldn’t do anything to hurt him and that should be enough for him. It was then when Eli realized he had turned into one of those jealous boyfriends he had seen during dramas that he hated so much and wondered why the feeling seemed to possess him more and more with each passing day.
Without really wanting to, Alexander had sort of turned into his friend and Eli was pleasantly surprised to realize that the older’s company didn’t bother him anymore. Maybe it was because he was now feeling threatened by Kiseop too much to occupy his mind with unfounded romantic feelings between him and Kevin, but it sure felt gratifying to finally have an ally in whom he could confide. He told him they had spent the night together at his place and, even though Alexander flipped at first and reacted pretty much the same way Eli had predicted, he said they should be extra careful next time, as another breaking of the rules like that would get him fired.
Eli quickly took notice of the ‘next time’ mixed in the sentence and felt assured that his superior wouldn’t tell on them, despite the hassling and moral speech he had gotten so used to by then.
‘You’re lucky we don’t have surveillance cameras, like other institutions do.’ Alexander went on, pouring hot tea in two cups. He gave one to Eli, took a sip of his own, then continued. ‘This last place I worked at, had. There were two on each corridor and one in each bathroom.’
‘Wait, you had cameras in the bathroom?’ Eli asked, taken aback.
‘Yeah, but not in stools. Only the general aerial view, you know. And once a week, usually on Fridays, the director would check all the tapes and take new measurements according to them.’
‘Measurements for what?’
‘All sort of stuff. This one time, I almost got penalized for walking too slowly and he told me I should get used to pacing faster. ‘This isn’t a park.’ He deepened his voice as he said that. ‘After a few days I was so used to it, I couldn’t even walk to the supermarket without pushing people around, like it was about to close any second.’ He laughed.
‘Remind me to never go there.’ Eli shook his head, as he drank from the cup.
‘Listen, though. About you and Kevin.’ Alexander said cautiously.
‘God, not this again.’ Eli rolled his eyes, noticing the sudden change in his tone. ‘We’ve been through it already, I get it. I’m going to let you know next time I take him out, happy?’
‘I wasn’t going to repeat myself.’ He replied matter-of-factly. ‘I do need to say this, though - Kevin must really love you, if he’s comfortable enough around you to accept these kind of things.’
‘Accepts and requests.’ Eli corrected him softly. ‘I don’t even have to ask anymore, I just have to wait until he says he wants to sleep at my place.’
‘My point exactly.’ Alexander smiled. ‘I mean, if he went to the point in which he’s taking his clothes off in front of you, he must really be attached.’
Eli almost chocked on his tea.
‘He never even undressed in front of me, he always kicked me out of the room before even daring to say it out loud.’ He added, ignoring Eli’s reaction. ‘That’s why I’m assuming he must really care about you. Don’t disappoint him.’
‘Jesus.’ Eli exclaimed. ‘Are we really going to go through this again? Remember we have had the exact same conversation for at least three times in these past few months?’
‘I know, I know.’ The older raised a hand in defense. ‘And this time I’m not accusing you of anything. You just have to understand I’d kill me to see him hurt, and even though I don’t believe you’ll leave him anymore, I just can’t help but feel worried.’
‘Well don’t be.’ Eli said, lowering his voice this time. ‘He’ll be safe while he’s with me and you’d better let that sip inside your brain once and forever.’
Alexander looked around his office, before inhaling and speaking again.
‘You guys are having regular… right?’ he asked hesitantly.
Eli paused the hand in which he was holding the cup mid-way to his mouth, slowly raised his gaze and stared at him for a second, uncertain by the swift question.
‘What is this, an interview?’ he finally said, trying not to seem rude. ‘I mean please don’t get offended, but I think that’s only between him and me.’
‘Eli, this is not high-school anymore. I’m not going to go on about it, but if you two are indeed intimate, then use protection.’
‘Yes, mother.’ Eli muttered, suddenly feeling their initial normal conversation turned into an agonizingly uncomfortable one.
He left his office before Alexander could say something even more vexatious and headed towards the end of the corridor, to Kevin’s room. What the older had said about Kevin loving him had really struck him, although he tried his best to hide in front of his superior, so that he wouldn’t have to give him another topic of discussion.
Eli had thought about it countless times before, reflected if what they had was indeed love or just a very pronounced attraction. The need to see him had began growing on him since the day he had met Kevin and the desire of not wanting to leave when he was together with him was even greater, so maybe it exceeded the level of just physical longing. Then again, they never said ‘I love you’ to each other, albeit Eli couldn’t blame Kevin, as he knew how hard it must have been for him those past few years. Sure he had fantasized about it and wished the first time they’d say it to each other could be special, although not sloppy like he had seen on television. Maybe those things simply required time.
Eli had never said those words to anyone else, even if two of his past girlfriends had. They didn’t mean anything, though, as they were pronounced inarticulately during various stages of drunkenness. He was fairly positive Kevin hadn’t told them to anybody else, either, not even his parents -and with a mother and father like his, it wasn’t to be expected- and was dying to know if he had given so much thought to it as Eli had. If maybe they were both waiting for the right opportunity.
Of course his mind would then float to Kiseop and frustration would take control over him. Frustration of not knowing the truth, of not having been there to witness exactly what happened between them, of allowing himself to be too emotionally involved to take his mind away from it. In the end, seeing how Kiseop returned after so many years for Kevin made him sure that he had probably said to Kevin, but the fact that the younger had given himself to Eli signified that he never said it back and Eli was fine with that.
He entered Kevin’s room, expecting him to be there, but the small, white range was empty. He wasn’t in the library either, when Eli checked, so all that was left to do until he’d come across him was to take Kyung Hee out for a walk in the garden, since the girl had been begging him to save her from her supervisor at least once, for days. They walked outside and took her hand into his own, knowing how animated she could be when given permission to stroll around freely.
As they began walking aimlessly on the unending path, Eli’s attention was immediately caught by the couple that was occupying a bench in the far distance, standing close to each other, apparently whispering something. He instantly recognized them as being Kevin and Kiseop, who were too engaged in their conversation to notice anyone else around them. Judging by the serious expressions on both of their faces, Eli could tell they were disputing over something serious and felt a sudden urge to go over there and pull his lover away from Kiseop.
Kyung Hee went on talking about birds, though, which reminded Eli she was there and he wasn’t allowed to leave a patient while supervising her. Even if he could hear her, he wasn’t listening, as the thought of Kevin meeting him behind his back made him ache inside. Obviously it was important, since it had required them searching for a place to talk far away from everyone else, but even though he trusted Kevin with his life and knew the feeling was mutual, Eli couldn’t help but undergo a strong perception of betrayal.
‘…and how nice it would be to be able to fly like them, right?’ Kyung Hee asked excitedly, awakening Eli from his contemplation.
‘Yeah, I agree.’ He responded absentmindedly, before motioning to her to keep on walking until they’d vanish round the corner; that way he wouldn’t have to see them standing so close anymore.
In the end, Eli replayed Alexander’s words in his mind and settled himself by thinking he shouldn’t give so much thought to it. After all, he did trust Kevin and knew he’d get an explanation later on anyway, so he went on with completing his daily tasks without letting their image interfere in his trail of thoughts.
A few hours later, after packing up his stuff and getting ready to go home, he went to check on Kevin. He was in his room this time, solving a puzzle on his bed.
‘Busy?’ Eli asked after entering.
Kevin jumped up and was immediately by his side, with tangled arms around his neck and soft kisses placed all over his face.
‘Not at all.’ He smiled. ‘You finished your shift?’
‘Yeah, I was about to go home, but I wanted to see you before leaving. We haven’t talked all day.’ He hugged him, dropping is backpack in the middle of the room.
‘I know, I couldn’t really find you. Xander told me you took on some extra tasks and that you were occupied.’ He gave him a peck on the lips.
‘Well, I saw you once, this morning. With Kiseop.’
Eli watched his reaction and didn’t like the way he almost froze, before recomposing himself.
‘Why didn’t you come over?’ he asked.
‘I was with Kyung Hee, I couldn’t just leave her.’
‘Oh. Right.’ He looked down.
‘Why did you talk to him?’ Eli asked, trying to keep a steady tone of voice.
‘I just had to, but please don’t be upset.’ Kevin looked him pleadingly in the eyes and Eli knew he couldn’t get mad at him, although he didn’t like the answer. ‘I had to do something to make him understand this isn’t going to work and that what he wants is pretty impossible.’
‘You sure talked a lot.’
‘Eli, years ago we were friends before anything else.’ He started cautiously and Eli didn’t savor the direction this was going to. ‘I know we had a certain involvement together, but besides Xander, he was my only confider. Even if we’ve been together at some point, we weren’t close because of that, but because we could talk openly with each other and share stuff.’
‘So what you’re saying is, you missed him.’ Eli concluded, taking a step back to look at him.
‘No, I didn’t. At least, not for the past few years. But I just wanted to know how he’d been after leaving and where he is now. I was just curious about his whereabouts, to put it more simply. We just talked for old time’s sake, but I swear it had no secret connotation whatsoever.’
‘You told me you talked because you had to explain the situation to him.’ Eli was beginning to get irascible, but he didn’t want to let it show.
‘And I did. That’s why I accepted his request in the first place. And after I’ve made sure he understood I want nothing from him, we settled to peace and continued talking, but nothing more happened.’
‘I know nothing more happened, but what, now you’re friends?’ he asked annoyed. He wasn’t sure if he was more annoyed at himself for getting so emotionally involved, at Kiseop for trying to take away the one thing he loved most, or at Kevin for almost lying to him and attempting to conceal it.
‘I’m not sure what we are, but he’ll be leaving soon anyhow, so I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference.’
‘How soon?’
‘Less than a month.’
Eli sighed and went to sit on the edge of the bed. Kevin followed sheepishly and placed himself near him, then rested his hand around his shoulder. In that moment Eli didn’t feel like being so close to him, but didn’t shake it off. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly.
‘What is he expecting from you now?’
‘What do you mean?’ Kevin furrowed his brows.
‘Is it going to be like this until he leaves? Am I going to see you less and less for the next few weeks, because you’ll be too busy with him?’
‘No.’ the younger instantly shook his head. ‘God, no. He knows we’re together and he wouldn’t dare to blend in that.’
‘That hasn’t stopped him before, remember?’ Eli asked sarcastically.
‘Listen to me.’ Kevin placed the other hand on his inner thigh and scooted closer. ‘I explained to him that it’s pointless even trying to get back together, because now I have you and what happened is already in the past. And frankly, I don’t care if he’ll take notice of it or not, but while you’re around, I’m not setting eyes on anyone else.’
He blushed after saying that and Eli couldn’t refrain himself from smiling, even if the mixed mess of feelings inside him was telling him not to. He allowed Kevin to burry his face in his chest and held him tight for a few seconds. He raised his chin with his index finger and kissed him longingly, refusing to interrupt it even when Kevin had to switch his position because his neck hurt. He sat on his legs, with his knees brought up to either side of Eli’s waist and continued kissing him while holding his face steady in his palms. It was one of those dominating moments that they both loved, regardless of who was leading it.
**
The next morning, Eli returned with grapes he had just bought on his way to the asylum and, after bundling Kevin in the warmest sweater he owned (‘It’s not even that cold, I’m gonna melt.’), they went outside in the far back of the yard, where there were nothing but trees and a few bushes decorating the place. Eli had to make sure they wouldn’t be seen, since late autumn had marked its territory and the crowns that were once green were now leafless, making it possible for anybody standing by a window to have full view of the back garden. To avoid sitting directly onto the hard, cold ground, he spread a blanket and sat down, guiding Kevin to do the same until he rested his head on Eli’s lap. He began feeding him grape beans and mentally thanked the skies above that Kiseop was nowhere to be seen.
He quickly discovered that Kevin thoroughly enjoyed being given food like a child, as he caressed his hair and let him revise the books he had been reading. He missed it, Eli realized, he missed just laying around, talking about whatever crossed their minds, as they blocked the world around them and enjoyed each other’s company without a single care. Kevin couldn’t get enough of their little escapade, as he giggled each time Eli took a bean in his mouth and then fed it to him, watching him chew on it lazily as he asked for more.
By evening, Eli’s activity for that day had finished and he was about to return to his apartment, when he made a quick stop to Kevin’s room.
‘You here?’ he asked as he peeked his head through the doorframe.
While entering, Kevin looked up and quickly closed the notebook he had been writing in, then put it away and smiled at him. Eli was under the impression that he was hiding it from him.
‘Oh, hey.’ He greeted, getting up to his feet to kiss him. ‘You’re leaving early tonight.’ He pointed to his backpack.
‘Yeah, just finished arranging the archives and I’m on my way now. What’s that?’ Eli asked, pointing with his head towards the grey notebook that had been tossed on the nightstand. Kevin turned to look at it for a second, before answering promptly.
‘Oh, just some notes I was making for Xander. It’s some novels I liked and he asked me to recommend some to him.’ He gestured with his hands.
Eli felt like he was forcing a calm tone and watched him closely for a minute, but didn’t add anything else to it.
‘Alright. Want to come with me? I was thinking we could watch a movie tonight.’
Kevin looked away, then breathed in.
‘I’m kind of tired, actually.’ He said gently. ‘I’d rather stay here this time.’
‘We’ll just sleep, I promise.’ Eli laughed. ‘Am I that much of a maniac, you expect sex from me each time?’
Kevin also let out a laugh and Eli couldn’t help but notice it was faked. He felt uneasy.
‘Not that I’d mind.’ The younger replied, kissing him on the nose. ‘I’m just worn out, really. I don’t feel like getting dressed again and waking up at five in the morning.’
‘Alright. But promise me you’ll come tomorrow.’
‘I promise.’ Kevin smiled. It still seemed forced to Eli and he was on the verge of asking about it, when the younger caught his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it. He then licked his lips slowly, before turning it into a full kiss, which Eli felt deeper and more emotional than ever before. It was as if Kevin had been waiting the entire day to pour his entire soul into this one proof of affection and he felt a little alarmed by it.
‘Hey.’ Eli said after pulling apart. ‘Are you alright?’
‘I’m fine.’ Kevin tried to smile, but looked down when he couldn’t fully simulate one. Eli cupped his face and forced him to focus into his eyes.
‘You’re not.’ He said simply. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’
‘I’m just tired, I swear. Go, I’ll also go to bed and things will be better tomorrow.’
‘It’s not Kiseop, is it?’
‘It’s not him, we haven’t even talked today. Honestly.’ He stood on the tip of his toes to give him another peck on the lips.
‘Okay. Have a good rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Eli kissed him on the forehead, before leaving the room.
As he walked towards the exit, he couldn’t help but feel weirdly unsettled.
**
When Eli returned the next morning, the first image he’d been greeted by was the frantic running around of the staff. The patients were nowhere to be seen, but his co-workers made it look like the hospital had been built for them and not for the residents. One nurse ran right past him, dodging him in the shoulder without even realizing and another doctor was checking files desperately, as he was almost tarring the pieces of paper apart. It wasn’t noisy, but the ravishing movements made the place look like it was one of those early, black-and-white mute films.
Eli walked straight into Alexander’s office puzzled, where he found him on the phone with a concerned expression on his face. As soon as he saw him entering, he told whoever was on the other line that he’d have to call back and put the phone down.
‘Thank God you’re here, what took you so long?’ he roared.
‘I’m twenty minutes early.’ Eli replied confused. ‘What happened?’
‘Kevin and Kiseop are nowhere to be found.’ He spoke hasty and agitated. ‘I went to check on Kevin this morning, but he wasn’t in his room. A few minutes later a nurse came by and told me she couldn’t find Kiseop, either.’
‘What?’ Eli wailed, feeling the ground underneath him gone.
‘Read this. And fast.’ He continued, giving him an unopened letter. It had Eli’s name on it, written in black, cursive letters. ‘I found it this morning on his nightstand.’
Eli felt like he was about to puke, but opened the envelope with trembling fingers and began reading, while the older watched him aggravated. He immediately recognized Kevin’s delicate handwriting.
‘Eli,
I apologize. I apologize for how I know you must feel right now and for putting you through this. For departing without saying goodbye and leaving nothing but a letter behind, like a coward. Please don’t be mad at me and understand why I had to do it. This was my only chance at freedom that I could have probably ever hoped for and I wasn’t going to waste it. If we’re never going to see each other again, then I want you to know how much I love you, and how I regret never having said it out loud.
I hope you can forgive me one day. Please continue living your life happily and don’t let this stand in your way.
Forever yours,
Kevin’
Eli stared. He stared at the letter, at the spacing between the paragraphs, at the little curves only Kevin knew how to do, at his name and then the letters again. He felt his vision getting blurry.
‘Well?’ Alexander asked with shaky hands. ‘What does it say?’
He couldn’t have, Eli thought. He wouldn’t do this to him. He wouldn’t just bail on him like that, not for a second time and not knowing how bad the first one went.
‘For God’s sake’. Alexander exclaimed, grabbing the paper from his hand. He began reading through the lines rapidly, as Eli sat down to calm his nausea and weary legs. He gazed blankly into space, trying to understand what was going on. He felt a strong sting in his chest.
After he finished reading, Alexander looked at him in horror, but kept his composure. The expression of pity and fear on his face made Eli feel even worse.
‘We think they might have ran away together, but hell knows when this happened.’ He continued softly, visibly shaken. ‘Probably sometimes during the night. We’ve already called securities and they’re looking for them, but they could have gotten anywhere in a matter of hours.’
‘Fuck, how come no one saw them departing?!’ Eli shouted, suddenly getting up and feeling as if he was about to collapse any minute. He couldn’t even wrap his thoughts around the idea that Kevin might be in danger, or injured. He didn’t even take a second to think about Kiseop, all his brain could conceive was Kevin’s being in that moment.
‘That’s because we don’t have guards at the gates. You two also left countless times and no one knew, let’s not forget that. Crap!’ Alexander smacked his desk and took a few deep breaths. ‘Did you have any clue this would happen?’ he looked at Eli alarmed. ‘Did he say something yesterday, or maybe, I don’t know, gave you any indication whatsoever?’
‘Nothing. I thought he seemed distracted and I asked him what was wrong, but he said he just felt tired.’
As he began pacing the room, he felt his eyes getting watery. The pain within didn’t allow him to control his emotions and before he knew it, a tear escaped his eyes.
‘Shit.’ He whispered to himself. Alexander placed a hand on his back.
‘We’re going to find them. You’ll see.’
‘Them?’ he screamed, turning to look at him. The older took a step back. ‘I couldn’t care less about that piece of crap, he could be dead for all I care.’
‘Eli…’
‘No. I don’t wanna hear it. You know just as well as I do things were going fine before he had to come back and make everything a mess.’
‘I know. Listen, stop yelling or others will hear you.’
‘Well let them.’
‘You know we can’t do that.’ He said gently. ‘What about you go look for him? You were the one to find him last time and, who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky this time as well.’
‘I’m going.’ Eli immediately said, turning around. ‘And if he’s with Kevin, I’m killing him before bringing the body back.’ He stated, before exiting and smashing the door behind him.
He felt like his entire world was about to crash any minute.
----------------
Note: The next chapter will be the last one.
Fandom: U-KISS
Characters & Pairings: Elvin, Xander, OFC, other possible episodic characters
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Humor, Drama
Summary: "Because the language confuses, like computers refuse to understand how I'm feeling today."
Eli is new to this world. Kevin makes him feel like home.
Disclaimer: The title belongs to English rock-band Muse, as well as the lyrics, extracted from their 2002 album entitled ”Hullabaloo”. I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with the named group, or any characters presented in this writing. No copyright infringement intended.
Read: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19
Month three. Day ten.
Although no major incidents occurred for the next few days, Eli still had to endure painful encounters with Kiseop wherever he went, because apparently he had built some sort of inner radar that allowed him to know where Eli was, in any moment of the day and make his life miserable by showing up during the most inconvenient times. He was there when Eli wanted to take a break and drink a glass of water, he came from around the corner just as Eli was about to take the long way around, just to avoid passing through the first floor and simply had to make an entrance wherever the older had business to attend to. He didn’t know if he was doing it intentionally or not, but Eli was fairly sure he was enjoying it just as much as he hated it.
To make matters worse, Kevin didn’t seem to be too bothered by his wall-to-wall presence, although he’d still restrain himself from talking to Kiseop. Eli believed he was only doing it because he asked him to, since whenever they’d meet by accident on the corridors or in the library, Kevin hesitated in walking away and seemed like he just wanted to go over him. Even if he did indeed distant himself in the end, he’d look back until he lost sight of him and that upset Eli to no extent.
He didn’t know why Kevin appeared to be so unsure of the promise he’d made to Eli, that of avoiding Kiseop by any cost, since they’ve talked about it countless times and the younger assured him he wanted him gone just as much as Eli did. Yet still, he couldn’t help but notice the look of yearning plastered on his face each time he saw Kiseop, even if it was from afar.
Alexander advised him to just let things be as they were, as Kevin wouldn’t do anything to hurt him and that should be enough for him. It was then when Eli realized he had turned into one of those jealous boyfriends he had seen during dramas that he hated so much and wondered why the feeling seemed to possess him more and more with each passing day.
Without really wanting to, Alexander had sort of turned into his friend and Eli was pleasantly surprised to realize that the older’s company didn’t bother him anymore. Maybe it was because he was now feeling threatened by Kiseop too much to occupy his mind with unfounded romantic feelings between him and Kevin, but it sure felt gratifying to finally have an ally in whom he could confide. He told him they had spent the night together at his place and, even though Alexander flipped at first and reacted pretty much the same way Eli had predicted, he said they should be extra careful next time, as another breaking of the rules like that would get him fired.
Eli quickly took notice of the ‘next time’ mixed in the sentence and felt assured that his superior wouldn’t tell on them, despite the hassling and moral speech he had gotten so used to by then.
‘You’re lucky we don’t have surveillance cameras, like other institutions do.’ Alexander went on, pouring hot tea in two cups. He gave one to Eli, took a sip of his own, then continued. ‘This last place I worked at, had. There were two on each corridor and one in each bathroom.’
‘Wait, you had cameras in the bathroom?’ Eli asked, taken aback.
‘Yeah, but not in stools. Only the general aerial view, you know. And once a week, usually on Fridays, the director would check all the tapes and take new measurements according to them.’
‘Measurements for what?’
‘All sort of stuff. This one time, I almost got penalized for walking too slowly and he told me I should get used to pacing faster. ‘This isn’t a park.’ He deepened his voice as he said that. ‘After a few days I was so used to it, I couldn’t even walk to the supermarket without pushing people around, like it was about to close any second.’ He laughed.
‘Remind me to never go there.’ Eli shook his head, as he drank from the cup.
‘Listen, though. About you and Kevin.’ Alexander said cautiously.
‘God, not this again.’ Eli rolled his eyes, noticing the sudden change in his tone. ‘We’ve been through it already, I get it. I’m going to let you know next time I take him out, happy?’
‘I wasn’t going to repeat myself.’ He replied matter-of-factly. ‘I do need to say this, though - Kevin must really love you, if he’s comfortable enough around you to accept these kind of things.’
‘Accepts and requests.’ Eli corrected him softly. ‘I don’t even have to ask anymore, I just have to wait until he says he wants to sleep at my place.’
‘My point exactly.’ Alexander smiled. ‘I mean, if he went to the point in which he’s taking his clothes off in front of you, he must really be attached.’
Eli almost chocked on his tea.
‘He never even undressed in front of me, he always kicked me out of the room before even daring to say it out loud.’ He added, ignoring Eli’s reaction. ‘That’s why I’m assuming he must really care about you. Don’t disappoint him.’
‘Jesus.’ Eli exclaimed. ‘Are we really going to go through this again? Remember we have had the exact same conversation for at least three times in these past few months?’
‘I know, I know.’ The older raised a hand in defense. ‘And this time I’m not accusing you of anything. You just have to understand I’d kill me to see him hurt, and even though I don’t believe you’ll leave him anymore, I just can’t help but feel worried.’
‘Well don’t be.’ Eli said, lowering his voice this time. ‘He’ll be safe while he’s with me and you’d better let that sip inside your brain once and forever.’
Alexander looked around his office, before inhaling and speaking again.
‘You guys are having regular… right?’ he asked hesitantly.
Eli paused the hand in which he was holding the cup mid-way to his mouth, slowly raised his gaze and stared at him for a second, uncertain by the swift question.
‘What is this, an interview?’ he finally said, trying not to seem rude. ‘I mean please don’t get offended, but I think that’s only between him and me.’
‘Eli, this is not high-school anymore. I’m not going to go on about it, but if you two are indeed intimate, then use protection.’
‘Yes, mother.’ Eli muttered, suddenly feeling their initial normal conversation turned into an agonizingly uncomfortable one.
He left his office before Alexander could say something even more vexatious and headed towards the end of the corridor, to Kevin’s room. What the older had said about Kevin loving him had really struck him, although he tried his best to hide in front of his superior, so that he wouldn’t have to give him another topic of discussion.
Eli had thought about it countless times before, reflected if what they had was indeed love or just a very pronounced attraction. The need to see him had began growing on him since the day he had met Kevin and the desire of not wanting to leave when he was together with him was even greater, so maybe it exceeded the level of just physical longing. Then again, they never said ‘I love you’ to each other, albeit Eli couldn’t blame Kevin, as he knew how hard it must have been for him those past few years. Sure he had fantasized about it and wished the first time they’d say it to each other could be special, although not sloppy like he had seen on television. Maybe those things simply required time.
Eli had never said those words to anyone else, even if two of his past girlfriends had. They didn’t mean anything, though, as they were pronounced inarticulately during various stages of drunkenness. He was fairly positive Kevin hadn’t told them to anybody else, either, not even his parents -and with a mother and father like his, it wasn’t to be expected- and was dying to know if he had given so much thought to it as Eli had. If maybe they were both waiting for the right opportunity.
Of course his mind would then float to Kiseop and frustration would take control over him. Frustration of not knowing the truth, of not having been there to witness exactly what happened between them, of allowing himself to be too emotionally involved to take his mind away from it. In the end, seeing how Kiseop returned after so many years for Kevin made him sure that he had probably said to Kevin, but the fact that the younger had given himself to Eli signified that he never said it back and Eli was fine with that.
He entered Kevin’s room, expecting him to be there, but the small, white range was empty. He wasn’t in the library either, when Eli checked, so all that was left to do until he’d come across him was to take Kyung Hee out for a walk in the garden, since the girl had been begging him to save her from her supervisor at least once, for days. They walked outside and took her hand into his own, knowing how animated she could be when given permission to stroll around freely.
As they began walking aimlessly on the unending path, Eli’s attention was immediately caught by the couple that was occupying a bench in the far distance, standing close to each other, apparently whispering something. He instantly recognized them as being Kevin and Kiseop, who were too engaged in their conversation to notice anyone else around them. Judging by the serious expressions on both of their faces, Eli could tell they were disputing over something serious and felt a sudden urge to go over there and pull his lover away from Kiseop.
Kyung Hee went on talking about birds, though, which reminded Eli she was there and he wasn’t allowed to leave a patient while supervising her. Even if he could hear her, he wasn’t listening, as the thought of Kevin meeting him behind his back made him ache inside. Obviously it was important, since it had required them searching for a place to talk far away from everyone else, but even though he trusted Kevin with his life and knew the feeling was mutual, Eli couldn’t help but undergo a strong perception of betrayal.
‘…and how nice it would be to be able to fly like them, right?’ Kyung Hee asked excitedly, awakening Eli from his contemplation.
‘Yeah, I agree.’ He responded absentmindedly, before motioning to her to keep on walking until they’d vanish round the corner; that way he wouldn’t have to see them standing so close anymore.
In the end, Eli replayed Alexander’s words in his mind and settled himself by thinking he shouldn’t give so much thought to it. After all, he did trust Kevin and knew he’d get an explanation later on anyway, so he went on with completing his daily tasks without letting their image interfere in his trail of thoughts.
A few hours later, after packing up his stuff and getting ready to go home, he went to check on Kevin. He was in his room this time, solving a puzzle on his bed.
‘Busy?’ Eli asked after entering.
Kevin jumped up and was immediately by his side, with tangled arms around his neck and soft kisses placed all over his face.
‘Not at all.’ He smiled. ‘You finished your shift?’
‘Yeah, I was about to go home, but I wanted to see you before leaving. We haven’t talked all day.’ He hugged him, dropping is backpack in the middle of the room.
‘I know, I couldn’t really find you. Xander told me you took on some extra tasks and that you were occupied.’ He gave him a peck on the lips.
‘Well, I saw you once, this morning. With Kiseop.’
Eli watched his reaction and didn’t like the way he almost froze, before recomposing himself.
‘Why didn’t you come over?’ he asked.
‘I was with Kyung Hee, I couldn’t just leave her.’
‘Oh. Right.’ He looked down.
‘Why did you talk to him?’ Eli asked, trying to keep a steady tone of voice.
‘I just had to, but please don’t be upset.’ Kevin looked him pleadingly in the eyes and Eli knew he couldn’t get mad at him, although he didn’t like the answer. ‘I had to do something to make him understand this isn’t going to work and that what he wants is pretty impossible.’
‘You sure talked a lot.’
‘Eli, years ago we were friends before anything else.’ He started cautiously and Eli didn’t savor the direction this was going to. ‘I know we had a certain involvement together, but besides Xander, he was my only confider. Even if we’ve been together at some point, we weren’t close because of that, but because we could talk openly with each other and share stuff.’
‘So what you’re saying is, you missed him.’ Eli concluded, taking a step back to look at him.
‘No, I didn’t. At least, not for the past few years. But I just wanted to know how he’d been after leaving and where he is now. I was just curious about his whereabouts, to put it more simply. We just talked for old time’s sake, but I swear it had no secret connotation whatsoever.’
‘You told me you talked because you had to explain the situation to him.’ Eli was beginning to get irascible, but he didn’t want to let it show.
‘And I did. That’s why I accepted his request in the first place. And after I’ve made sure he understood I want nothing from him, we settled to peace and continued talking, but nothing more happened.’
‘I know nothing more happened, but what, now you’re friends?’ he asked annoyed. He wasn’t sure if he was more annoyed at himself for getting so emotionally involved, at Kiseop for trying to take away the one thing he loved most, or at Kevin for almost lying to him and attempting to conceal it.
‘I’m not sure what we are, but he’ll be leaving soon anyhow, so I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference.’
‘How soon?’
‘Less than a month.’
Eli sighed and went to sit on the edge of the bed. Kevin followed sheepishly and placed himself near him, then rested his hand around his shoulder. In that moment Eli didn’t feel like being so close to him, but didn’t shake it off. He rubbed at his eyes tiredly.
‘What is he expecting from you now?’
‘What do you mean?’ Kevin furrowed his brows.
‘Is it going to be like this until he leaves? Am I going to see you less and less for the next few weeks, because you’ll be too busy with him?’
‘No.’ the younger instantly shook his head. ‘God, no. He knows we’re together and he wouldn’t dare to blend in that.’
‘That hasn’t stopped him before, remember?’ Eli asked sarcastically.
‘Listen to me.’ Kevin placed the other hand on his inner thigh and scooted closer. ‘I explained to him that it’s pointless even trying to get back together, because now I have you and what happened is already in the past. And frankly, I don’t care if he’ll take notice of it or not, but while you’re around, I’m not setting eyes on anyone else.’
He blushed after saying that and Eli couldn’t refrain himself from smiling, even if the mixed mess of feelings inside him was telling him not to. He allowed Kevin to burry his face in his chest and held him tight for a few seconds. He raised his chin with his index finger and kissed him longingly, refusing to interrupt it even when Kevin had to switch his position because his neck hurt. He sat on his legs, with his knees brought up to either side of Eli’s waist and continued kissing him while holding his face steady in his palms. It was one of those dominating moments that they both loved, regardless of who was leading it.
**
The next morning, Eli returned with grapes he had just bought on his way to the asylum and, after bundling Kevin in the warmest sweater he owned (‘It’s not even that cold, I’m gonna melt.’), they went outside in the far back of the yard, where there were nothing but trees and a few bushes decorating the place. Eli had to make sure they wouldn’t be seen, since late autumn had marked its territory and the crowns that were once green were now leafless, making it possible for anybody standing by a window to have full view of the back garden. To avoid sitting directly onto the hard, cold ground, he spread a blanket and sat down, guiding Kevin to do the same until he rested his head on Eli’s lap. He began feeding him grape beans and mentally thanked the skies above that Kiseop was nowhere to be seen.
He quickly discovered that Kevin thoroughly enjoyed being given food like a child, as he caressed his hair and let him revise the books he had been reading. He missed it, Eli realized, he missed just laying around, talking about whatever crossed their minds, as they blocked the world around them and enjoyed each other’s company without a single care. Kevin couldn’t get enough of their little escapade, as he giggled each time Eli took a bean in his mouth and then fed it to him, watching him chew on it lazily as he asked for more.
By evening, Eli’s activity for that day had finished and he was about to return to his apartment, when he made a quick stop to Kevin’s room.
‘You here?’ he asked as he peeked his head through the doorframe.
While entering, Kevin looked up and quickly closed the notebook he had been writing in, then put it away and smiled at him. Eli was under the impression that he was hiding it from him.
‘Oh, hey.’ He greeted, getting up to his feet to kiss him. ‘You’re leaving early tonight.’ He pointed to his backpack.
‘Yeah, just finished arranging the archives and I’m on my way now. What’s that?’ Eli asked, pointing with his head towards the grey notebook that had been tossed on the nightstand. Kevin turned to look at it for a second, before answering promptly.
‘Oh, just some notes I was making for Xander. It’s some novels I liked and he asked me to recommend some to him.’ He gestured with his hands.
Eli felt like he was forcing a calm tone and watched him closely for a minute, but didn’t add anything else to it.
‘Alright. Want to come with me? I was thinking we could watch a movie tonight.’
Kevin looked away, then breathed in.
‘I’m kind of tired, actually.’ He said gently. ‘I’d rather stay here this time.’
‘We’ll just sleep, I promise.’ Eli laughed. ‘Am I that much of a maniac, you expect sex from me each time?’
Kevin also let out a laugh and Eli couldn’t help but notice it was faked. He felt uneasy.
‘Not that I’d mind.’ The younger replied, kissing him on the nose. ‘I’m just worn out, really. I don’t feel like getting dressed again and waking up at five in the morning.’
‘Alright. But promise me you’ll come tomorrow.’
‘I promise.’ Kevin smiled. It still seemed forced to Eli and he was on the verge of asking about it, when the younger caught his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it. He then licked his lips slowly, before turning it into a full kiss, which Eli felt deeper and more emotional than ever before. It was as if Kevin had been waiting the entire day to pour his entire soul into this one proof of affection and he felt a little alarmed by it.
‘Hey.’ Eli said after pulling apart. ‘Are you alright?’
‘I’m fine.’ Kevin tried to smile, but looked down when he couldn’t fully simulate one. Eli cupped his face and forced him to focus into his eyes.
‘You’re not.’ He said simply. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’
‘I’m just tired, I swear. Go, I’ll also go to bed and things will be better tomorrow.’
‘It’s not Kiseop, is it?’
‘It’s not him, we haven’t even talked today. Honestly.’ He stood on the tip of his toes to give him another peck on the lips.
‘Okay. Have a good rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Eli kissed him on the forehead, before leaving the room.
As he walked towards the exit, he couldn’t help but feel weirdly unsettled.
**
When Eli returned the next morning, the first image he’d been greeted by was the frantic running around of the staff. The patients were nowhere to be seen, but his co-workers made it look like the hospital had been built for them and not for the residents. One nurse ran right past him, dodging him in the shoulder without even realizing and another doctor was checking files desperately, as he was almost tarring the pieces of paper apart. It wasn’t noisy, but the ravishing movements made the place look like it was one of those early, black-and-white mute films.
Eli walked straight into Alexander’s office puzzled, where he found him on the phone with a concerned expression on his face. As soon as he saw him entering, he told whoever was on the other line that he’d have to call back and put the phone down.
‘Thank God you’re here, what took you so long?’ he roared.
‘I’m twenty minutes early.’ Eli replied confused. ‘What happened?’
‘Kevin and Kiseop are nowhere to be found.’ He spoke hasty and agitated. ‘I went to check on Kevin this morning, but he wasn’t in his room. A few minutes later a nurse came by and told me she couldn’t find Kiseop, either.’
‘What?’ Eli wailed, feeling the ground underneath him gone.
‘Read this. And fast.’ He continued, giving him an unopened letter. It had Eli’s name on it, written in black, cursive letters. ‘I found it this morning on his nightstand.’
Eli felt like he was about to puke, but opened the envelope with trembling fingers and began reading, while the older watched him aggravated. He immediately recognized Kevin’s delicate handwriting.
‘Eli,
I apologize. I apologize for how I know you must feel right now and for putting you through this. For departing without saying goodbye and leaving nothing but a letter behind, like a coward. Please don’t be mad at me and understand why I had to do it. This was my only chance at freedom that I could have probably ever hoped for and I wasn’t going to waste it. If we’re never going to see each other again, then I want you to know how much I love you, and how I regret never having said it out loud.
I hope you can forgive me one day. Please continue living your life happily and don’t let this stand in your way.
Forever yours,
Kevin’
Eli stared. He stared at the letter, at the spacing between the paragraphs, at the little curves only Kevin knew how to do, at his name and then the letters again. He felt his vision getting blurry.
‘Well?’ Alexander asked with shaky hands. ‘What does it say?’
He couldn’t have, Eli thought. He wouldn’t do this to him. He wouldn’t just bail on him like that, not for a second time and not knowing how bad the first one went.
‘For God’s sake’. Alexander exclaimed, grabbing the paper from his hand. He began reading through the lines rapidly, as Eli sat down to calm his nausea and weary legs. He gazed blankly into space, trying to understand what was going on. He felt a strong sting in his chest.
After he finished reading, Alexander looked at him in horror, but kept his composure. The expression of pity and fear on his face made Eli feel even worse.
‘We think they might have ran away together, but hell knows when this happened.’ He continued softly, visibly shaken. ‘Probably sometimes during the night. We’ve already called securities and they’re looking for them, but they could have gotten anywhere in a matter of hours.’
‘Fuck, how come no one saw them departing?!’ Eli shouted, suddenly getting up and feeling as if he was about to collapse any minute. He couldn’t even wrap his thoughts around the idea that Kevin might be in danger, or injured. He didn’t even take a second to think about Kiseop, all his brain could conceive was Kevin’s being in that moment.
‘That’s because we don’t have guards at the gates. You two also left countless times and no one knew, let’s not forget that. Crap!’ Alexander smacked his desk and took a few deep breaths. ‘Did you have any clue this would happen?’ he looked at Eli alarmed. ‘Did he say something yesterday, or maybe, I don’t know, gave you any indication whatsoever?’
‘Nothing. I thought he seemed distracted and I asked him what was wrong, but he said he just felt tired.’
As he began pacing the room, he felt his eyes getting watery. The pain within didn’t allow him to control his emotions and before he knew it, a tear escaped his eyes.
‘Shit.’ He whispered to himself. Alexander placed a hand on his back.
‘We’re going to find them. You’ll see.’
‘Them?’ he screamed, turning to look at him. The older took a step back. ‘I couldn’t care less about that piece of crap, he could be dead for all I care.’
‘Eli…’
‘No. I don’t wanna hear it. You know just as well as I do things were going fine before he had to come back and make everything a mess.’
‘I know. Listen, stop yelling or others will hear you.’
‘Well let them.’
‘You know we can’t do that.’ He said gently. ‘What about you go look for him? You were the one to find him last time and, who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky this time as well.’
‘I’m going.’ Eli immediately said, turning around. ‘And if he’s with Kevin, I’m killing him before bringing the body back.’ He stated, before exiting and smashing the door behind him.
He felt like his entire world was about to crash any minute.
----------------
Note: The next chapter will be the last one.