Shelter for the frail
Fandom: U-KISS
Pairing: Elvin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Summary: In the end someone has to find out.
6,332 words
Eli wasn’t the type to make friends instantly. It was as if everyone around him had some sort of inner device that helped them locate and target someone that was compatible with them, or some kind of people scanner that helped them track down a possible friend, except him. He didn’t particularly have a problem with it, although there had been times when he wished he could be more open towards new, more sociable than those individuals who sat home on a Saturday evening, in front of the TV or the computer, with a bag of chips and a soda and simply refused going out for whatever reason.
Truth being told, he was. He was exactly one of those people he knew others generally avoided, and nothing more. He preferred being left alone when he was upset, instead of going to a friend in whom he could confess all of his troubles. The only stores in his city that he had ever visited his entire life were the supermarket, the audio one and, long time ago, the mall. He hated having to walk around aisles in search for clothes, but he liked running errands for his mother. He didn’t like reading much, but every once in a while he would find himself with a police novel in his hands. He ate all the fast-food he could think of because when the situation presented itself, ordering was inevitable, but then hated himself and quickly took on some sports to lose all the extra weight.
He never had a complicated life unaffectedly because he couldn’t bother with it and he had always been perfectly fine with that.
Things had to change for the worse -Eli still wasn’t sure if he could call them worse, but they were so different, it sometimes scared him- after he moved to Korea and began training under an entertainment company. He felt forced into having to deal with a new language he had never heard before, the striking difference in mentality and customs, the even more unusual change in the east-Asian food and how people generally thought they could dominate and take charge over every aspect of one’s life. It was impossible to be alone there, if he was seen alone on the streets people automatically assumed that he must have someone at home waiting for him, or that he was carrying those heavy bags for his family. If Eli had any piece of jewelry upon him, people would start interrogating him about it with the same eagerness an eagle stalks his prey, as if it sure must have been gifted. And since they never believed him when he told them otherwise, he always ended up lying and admitting he had in fact received it as a birthday gift.
On one side, maybe things weren’t so bad. Eli had finally achieved a weird sense of belonging, like he was at last succeeding at something he liked and his trainers kept him busy from morning to evening. As if he was finally doing something useful with his time and gave up fooling around. Sure his personal life had vanished the minute he set foot in that company, but who cared. If it hadn’t been for that chance, he wouldn’t have had a clue as to what to do with his future.
On the other hand, his much more meaningful reason for not wanting to leave Korea, despite the hardships he was now obliged to face, was Kevin. They met shortly after their manager decided the new music group formation and the blond-head drew his attention from the beginning.
Probably because they were complete opposites.
Kevin was like a magnet that drew people close to him without even being aware of it. They all wanted to be his friend, his best friend, his gym partner, his confider, his everything. When Kevin said ‘no’, others would immediately back off like it was the most precious command and when Kevin wanted something, those who happened to be around would leave whatever they were doing and hurry up to fetch it for him. He didn’t even have to move a finger, because he was always treated like a prince. It was as if he had bred all of them in an incubator and, because they had been given life by him, they were now obliged to follow his orders without questioning.
Eli hated that at first.
He hated the fact that someone could gather all this attention without even a drop of sweat and he despised the way he walked around with such elegance, it made heads turn. He hated how his hands looked so delicate and white, while still keeping a certain masculine vibe. Eli then looked at his own hands and couldn’t even see a slight resemblance, even if he squinted his eyes. Kevin had the hands of an artist and Eli had just hands.
But Kevin either seemed not to notice the spotlight, or deliberately decided to ignore it from the beginning, because he never responded to any attempts of approach, not even the most innocent ones. That made Eli question his background and previous relationships with people, and because curiosity had always been a major part in Eli’s life like the sky and the sun, he decided not to let his resentful feelings in the way and approached Kevin. It surprised him when Kevin responded positively to all of his advancements and made others jealous, since the younger was known for blocking people away from his life like they carried deadly viruses. However, he had been allowed to be a significant part of Kevin’s life from the very beginning and looking back, he didn’t know what he had done otherwise.
He soon discovered the mass of reasons behind Kevin’s lack of wanting to open up, just like Kevin knew how to read Eli like an open book from the very first contact. It had always been like an unspoken agreement to allow each other to intrude into their private lives without fear of being rejected. One’s feelings, emotions and most inner thoughts were like a clear mirror for the other, an unstained surface that never got obscured by dirt or steam. They were each other’s personal diary and Eli soon found out that it was a very pleasant feeling.
Once the closeness had been established though, he had been quite taken aback by Kevin’s insecurities. They were irrational, Eli believed, as someone as close to supremacy as Kevin couldn’t possibly have any. And if he did, they were for sure untenable.
Kevin often thought he was too skinny. He wouldn’t act like one of those people who spent ages in front of the mirror, pondering over their weight and getting all sullen because of it, but every once in a while, whenever they passed in front of a shop window or the marble walls of their company’s corridors, Kevin would slow down the pace and watch his reflection in the shiny surface, and Eli could always notice a sign of dissatisfaction on his face. He then moved on and reapplied his smile like an automated robot, who knew how to function its system properly, so that it can please the owner. The older knew what was going to shelter inside his head after that, though, even if he never admitted it out loud. His insecurities were probably the only thing Kevin didn’t share with Eli and that sort of bothered him.
Kevin also didn’t like his legs, because he thought they looked too thin and it made him resemble a walking skeleton. He tried to cover that at first by wearing jeans two sizes larger, but when he realized they just appeared baggy on him, he gave up the thought and began working out in the gym, to build a substantial mass of muscles. His gym frenzy piled up after people around him started making remarks about how fragile he seemed and now he needed being taken care of. Kibum once joked on his behalf and said that if Kevin ever got a girlfriend, she would have to take care of him and not vice versa. Then, on their wedding night, she’d have to carry him over the threshold and lay him on the bed like a disabled princess. Kevin laughed it off and joined the others in joking about this subject, but Eli didn’t think it was funny for a second, as he caught the look of insecurity on his face.
Ever since, Kevin had refused listening to Eli when he told him he was overworking himself too much, denied their manager’s request of taking a break every once in a while and didn’t listen to anybody who dared telling him he was trying too hard. It was like he had grown allergic to these types of conversations.
Eli wanted to show him how his so-called weakness made him look stunningly beautiful. He wanted to be able to open his eyes and make him see himself for who he was. He wanted to prove that his fragility, combined with the smoky makeup their staff sometimes painted their faces, made him rank higher than anybody else on the beauty scale, whether it was male or female. He wanted to make him realize how irreplaceably gorgeous he was, even when he performed the most dull of tasks, such as eating -the way Kevin licked his lips after every bite- or changing a shirt -how Eli couldn’t stop himself from staring at his nipples whenever he took his clothes off. He had imagined, countless times, how his long and slim fingers caressed his entire body without pause. They had been the object of Eli’s most ardent fantasies for nights in a row, as he imagined himself being touched, petted and scratched by his dainty hands. How it would feel to have his manhood grabbed in Kevin’s palm and how he’d let him pump up and down in repetitive motions, until he drained all life out of him.
Eli knew there was a sea of unspoken something between them and he got certified of this so many times, he had lost count. He couldn’t remain oblivious to all of this, as Kevin was sometimes so suggestive that it made the older wonder if he was doing it on purpose just to get his attention.
Sometimes they just liked lazing around the living room of their dorm when the others were out, talking about all sorts of trifles, with Eli on the floor, leaned against the sofa and Kevin comfortable settled between his legs, resting on his chest. They could have used the couch behind, but it was like this little ritual defined them for who they were and reminded them it was a habit only for them to know and experience. It was their personal way of getting closer and sharing intimacy in a way others could only dream of. Occasionally, when the conversation turned to a questioning point, Kevin would swing his head to look at Eli closely, as if seeking for reassurance or some other feeling he didn’t know how to name. His gazes always carried a secret meaning, he couldn’t not notice the way they were filled with a strange combination of longing and affection, the way Kevin seemed to want to stare into his eyes longer. Of course he had to interrupt the contact after a while to avoid the awkwardness, but always repeated the gesture after a few seconds and made sure to prolong it each time.
They never had communication issues while spending time together, as unbroken dialogues came naturally to them when they were alone, until Eli came out of the shower one day with just a towel around his waist and bumped into Kevin, who had just come out of his room, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. The surprise on their faces revealed how both of them had thought they were alone in the house, before Kevin smiled at him and settled on one of the cushioned chairs.
‘I thought you were at the gym with Soohyun.’ He said sleepily, resting his head in his palm and placing his elbow on the armrest.
‘Soohyun went home to his family this weekend and I don’t like going alone.’ Eli grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat next to him, on the couch.
‘Right, because the big, scary monsters might come while you’re working out.’ Kevin teased. Eli could have sworn he noticed him shifting a little away from him, but didn’t comment about it.
‘Well, you know me. If I don’t have my knight in shining armor with me, I don’t even dare to go out.’
‘True, true.’
He was sure of Kevin’s moving the second time, as he clearly saw him scooting to the right, a few more inches away from Eli. He was looking down, apparently extremely interested in his socks and a slight blush had crept on his face.
‘Are you feeling alright?’ Eli asked, rattled by his sudden switch in behavior.
‘Fine. I couldn’t really sleep well, that’s all. Good thing we have the day off.’ Kevin quickly replied, still avoiding to look up at him. Eli leaned in -the younger almost squirmed in his chair- and placed the back of his hand on his forehead. Kevin held his breath at the unexpected contact, but kept his composure.
‘I think you have a fever. Drink some ice-tea.’
‘I’m fine, really. It’s not a big deal.’
In a situation like this Eli would normally go inside his room and get dressed before allowing anybody else to talk to him. He never really liked how other celebrities his age performed topless, or spoke in front of the cameras with almost nothing on and he couldn’t imagine himself doing the same thing. There was something going on there, however, like a sudden unheard voice ordering him to stay in place and see how far he could cross the line. It was as if this ability of intimidating had suddenly swept over him and made him play along its game.
Scarily enough, he was enjoying it. He had a feeling Kevin was acting like this because he displayed his torso without concern and didn’t want to put an end to it. Why, he had no idea.
He surged from his chair the same time Kevin did and forced him to look him in the eye by placing two fingers under his chin and lifting his head. Kevin focused, unsure at first, then indescribably yearning. He lowered his gaze once more on his chest and placed his palm upon it, right in the middle. As he began tracing lines with the tip of his fingers all across his bare skin, he followed the path made by his hand and breathed heavily. Eli did so too, as his chest began rising and lowering much faster than before, in an attempt to slower his paced heart rhythm.
They both knew what was going on, it was too out there not to know. The closeness, the warmth, the alluring scent of each other’s skin was too strong not to realize they were slowly closing the distance, prepared for and anticipating whatever was about to happen. They were both conscious how dangerous it was, how someone could have walked in at any moment and stumbled across a scene hard to explain, but the temptation for maintaining the tenderness was too strong to resist.
Just as Eli was about to completely cease the distance, Kevin pressed his hand firmer against his chest and gently pushed him away. He muttered an almost unheard ‘Sorry’ and rushed out the door without looking back. Eli had been left there standing, with his face flushed and his head in an utter daze. He couldn’t wrap his thoughts around what had just happened, couldn’t yet fully comprehend the meaning behind it. He felt inert for a few seconds, as he let reality seep into him and made him even more confused. He felt puzzled, but happy. Scared, but excited. Unsure, but hopeful.
The next few days passed without incidents, as they were so busy preparing for their future performances, they barely had any time left for themselves. The continuous training and endless Japanese lessons meant all there was left to do was eat and sleep. Because of their incapability to exchange words anymore, Eli watched Kevin closely during their practice, hoping for at least one sign that everything was still alright between them and that the younger wouldn’t bail out on him now. The apology he received after their last share of intimacy had him lose good hours of sleep and made him replay the scene over and over again in his head. He didn’t know what Kevin had meant by that ‘Sorry’, couldn’t make out if he was regretting what had happened or he was apologizing in advance for the fact that he wouldn’t return any gesture like that anymore. Eli felt like he was about to go insane, as the younger wouldn’t even shoot him a look to reassure him everything was still running smoothly between them and that the moment didn’t equal the end of their relationship.
Before the first performance in a line of many others to come, Eli deliberately stayed behind with Kevin, as they were all waiting near the stage, for the green light that would announce them the instant to go on. He took advantage of the fact that their band mates were too busy making jokes in front of the camera and went near Kevin. He squeezed his hand and waited, but he didn’t react, even though Eli felt a sudden tremor at the touch.
‘Kev.’
He kept his gaze straight, expressionless, although he squeezed back. It was tight. Eli smiled at that and felt his heart settling a bit.
‘It doesn’t have to be like this, you know.’ He went on, entwining their fingers. Kevin closed his eyes for a second, visibly enjoying the warm contact, which made Eli undergo a strange sensation in his stomach.
He couldn’t add anything else, as the staff emboldened them to get line and get ready for their performance. Eli let go before anyone else could notice their closeness and went at the back of the row, almost unwilling to let go of his hand. He had been sure, though, before breaking the contact, that Kevin felt the same thing, as he lingered for a few seconds on his grasp before completely letting go.
The gig ran smoothly and it would have been a miracle not to, considering how hard they’ve trained for those past few days. Eli had mentally cursed himself for allowing his vision to constantly move from the camera to Kevin. He was sure the fans, who were known for having the eyes of a raptor, would catch the moments while watching the recording later and would issue an entire topic about it on discussion boards, as it usually happened. He couldn’t help himself, though, as Kevin’s curves even caught the attention of those who weren’t their fans, with his unique way of gracefully sliding across the stage like it was owned by him.
Kevin had been born to be in the flashlight, Eli thought, as he made his way to the bathroom and let out a relieved breath after noting no one was inside. He needed to get away from everything for a moment, needed to release himself from the screaming audience and blinding lights, needed a moment to live for his sake and not for the publicity. As he let his hands grab the edge of the sink, his head fell between his shoulders and he inhaled deeply. He took a few sips of water and was about to get back out, when he screen door opened and Kevin barged in, obviously as distracted and in dire need for a pause as he was. He stopped with a halt after seeing Eli and seemed to hesitate between going back and entering.
‘Don’t go.’ Eli said, taking note of his unsure expression. Kevin moved from the doorframe and inched forward, then began approaching him with slow steps.
The older turned from the mirror and faced him, although he didn’t move from his spot. He wanted to know Kevin’s exact thoughts in that moment, wanted to guide him until he’d be nothing more than a puppet in his strings. Kevin continued walking before stopping right in front of him, then carefully spread his hands to rest on his shoulders. Eli gave him an encouraging smile, as if trying to tell him it was alright to touch him and proceeded with grabbing his hands and moved them further up, to the point in which they were tangled behind his neck. Kevin smiled back and pressed his body against Eli’s, knowing what they were doing and what it meant, but without trying to stop it.
Eli placed his hands on his waist and tugged playfully at the hem of his jacket, trying to make him understand how much he wanted this and how pleasurable it felt. He pressed his forehead against Kevin and, albeit the younger didn’t reject the closeness, he talked shakily for the first time in the last three days.
‘This is not good.’ He whispered.
Eli felt like struck by lightning, but had to admit he was probably right. Yet still, how can something that felt so precious be so wrong?
‘Don’t do this.’ Eli said back gently. ‘Please don’t do this.’
‘We both know what’s happening here.’
‘Do we? Because I’m not even sure what I feel anymore. You make me confused.’
‘Like you’re the one to talk.’ Kevin laughed faintly.
The noise outside seemed to distant itself, as they stood in a warm embrace, with their bodies glued together. It felt like the most normal thing in the world and Eli wished they wouldn’t have to come back out at some point.
‘You don’t want this?’ Eli asked, not sure himself what ‘this’ meant, but hoping Kevin would understand.
‘I don’t know what I want.’ Kevin buried his nose in the blade of his shoulder and closed his eyes. Eli placed his hand on his hair and held him tighter with the other one, as he was trying to hide the feeling of fright that was slowly building itself inside him.
Unable to take the burning fear within him any longer, he cupped Kevin’s face and kissed him longingly, trying to pour in it all of his feelings and hopes. Kevin immediately let his tongue make its way through and sucked on it eagerly, before playing with it in a mass of twirls and whimpers. It felt so good, finally being able to kiss him without restriction, as Eli held him so close to his body they would soon become one. It was an indescribable sensation, as they let their heads go blank and enjoyed the wet, full of tender kiss. Eli liked the way he would occasionally turn his head to allow deeper contact, or how he clanged onto him like his life depended on it.
Right then, it truly felt like their lives were controlled by that one sole moment.
Eli felt him retreating slowly, then took a step back and looked at him worriedly. He was waiting for him to say something, but Kevin simply stared down, brushed his hand through his hair nervously and walked out, not before assuring Eli they were going to talk later about it.
Later proved to be never, because even though they continued sharing secret kisses over the course of the next few weeks, that was all their relationship resumed to and Kevin didn’t approach the subject again. Eli saw how eager he was to be alone with him each time, how he gave everything of him in a kiss, how he wasn’t restraining himself from caressing any side of Eli his hands could reach and was very satisfied by it. The feeling one got when the person one loves responds back positively is unimaginably heavenly, yet still, Eli felt like something was missing.
For once, Kevin vehemently refused to let someone see them together, even for a split second. It bothered Eli, as he hadn’t had this problem before, but their hidden love -was it truly love?- had somehow made Kevin paranoid and he was now dissenting even the slightest displays of affection public. The older knew how important it was for them to keep things unveiled, but he was also aware how miserable it made both of them. Even if Kevin increased their intimate moments together, he almost completely diminished the open ones and Eli could see how unsatisfied he was with the situation.
There was also a mass of unclear phrases between them, phrases they both wanted to express, but didn’t dare to. They never labeled their relationship, not before and not after the kiss, because each of them unyieldingly believed that the other would be driven away if that was brought up. Deep inside, though, Eli was the only one to know how strongly he wanted Kevin to call him his boyfriend and how ardently he dreamed of walking down the streets with him holding hands.
Eli had always known how to cope against storms, he knew how to fight against torrential rain and how to defeat blistering winds. That was because he always had a rigid dependence that allowed him to stay strong and not let emotions get to him, even things got really messy. But know, after realizing how helpless the entire situation was, he felt like he just had to stay still and let the torrent float his confidence away. He was a mere spectator in front of frustration’s theatre and there was nothing he could do about it.
Apparently Kevin was also beginning to feel remorse about the position they were both in, because one late evening he waited until their members left and went into Soohyun and Eli’s room, where his lover was responding to fan mail on his laptop. He closed the door behind him and stopped in front of the closet. Eli immediately got up from his bed, where he had been sitting front down, with a pillow under his chin and went by his side.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ he asked, grabbing Kevin’s hand into his own. ‘You didn’t go out with the others.’
‘I didn’t feel like it.’ He responded, shifting their positions so that Eli was now pressed against the wooden closet. He gave him a few pecks on the lips, until Eli went for a proper long kiss. Kevin moaned with pleasure when the older lifted his shirt and began caressing his back, drawing him so close there wasn’t any space left between them.
When Eli thought it couldn’t go any better, he felt Kevin’s erection through his jeans, as the younger was so tightly glued to him, it would have been impossible not to sense it. He buried his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and cupped his bottom firmly, motioning for him to start moving faster. Kevin did and, as he started rubbing against him, Eli was beginning to feel his own erection grow in anticipation. They were both breathing heavily through interrupted kisses, as if they were gasping for air every few seconds.
Kevin increased the speed of his movements and commenced a slight thrust onto Eli’s pelvic area, which turned the older on even more and made him ask himself how come they hadn’t done something like that before. Kevin began kissing his neck and nibbled at his earlobe, before moving to licking the jaw line and applying sloppy kisses all over his chest. His fingers were tangled kind of painfully in Eli’s hair, but he couldn’t complain, as the amount of sensations his body was experiencing was beyond anything he had imagined. The younger then moved his hand upper down, until it stopped between their pelvises and unzipped both of their jeans frantically. That was infinitely better, as all that was standing in between their hard erections were two thin straps of material. They didn’t stop until Kevin came first with a loud sigh, closely followed by Eli, whose entire body shuddered at the holy feeling.
They remained embraced for a few moments, waiting to come down from their high, before Kevin lazily pushed himself away and zipped his pants back up. Eli did the same, smiling at him and not daring to believe that his innocent, usually restrained Kevin had waited God-knows how long to do something like that.
‘I need to shower.’ The younger finally mumbled, blushing and looking down. Eli laughed and grabbed his hand, then let themselves fall onto the bed, on their sides. He took Kevin in his arms and caressed him, not understanding how something so bland as stroking someone can feel so loving.
‘Let’s never get up from here again.’ Kevin talked after a while.
‘What about when the others come back? They’re probably going to bang down the door and barge in with a fire extinguisher.’
‘Let them. I don’t want to move. They’ll have to carry me. I don’t mind.’
‘I can carry you.’ Eli kissed his exposed shoulder.
‘I wouldn’t mind that either.’
The sound of the key being turned into the doorknob was quickly heard and they both got up with the speed of light. Kevin kissed him gently one more time before leaving, then went straight into the living room to greet the others and pretend to be excited about their new clothes. Eli came out soon after that and joined the silly excitement about Kiseop’s new sneakers, while allowing Kevin to sit on his lap. For the first time in many weeks, the younger didn’t reject the closeness, instead he happily lay there, under the eyes of everybody.
After a few months, just when Eli was beginning to feel less bothered about their hiding and just as Kevin was starting to be more comfortable with him around their band mates, Dongho walked in on them as they were kissing on the bed. They had taken advantage of the fact that it was Sunday morning and their company was celebrating something out on a barbecue, and decided to stay in a few more minutes to savor each other’s company before joining the others. What they hadn’t expected, though, was for anybody to return that early. It had been too late to part and pretend like nothing happened, when the youngest had clearly saw them sharing a long, tongue-tangling kiss, as he stopped in the doorframe and looked at them with a paralyzed expression on his face.
‘Oh, God.’ Kevin immediately said, getting up and turning towards the window. He grabbed his hair with his hands and stood like that for an instant, while Eli simply stared at Dongho in horror. He was taking turns to look at them and didn’t know what to say, even though he was visibly trying his best to articulate a few syllables.
‘Dongho, listen.’ Eli quickly voiced. ‘It’s not what it looks like.’
‘Please don’t misunderstand.’ Kevin added rapidly, turning to face him.
‘I…’ Dongho began, before swallowing hard and going for a second try. ‘Soohyun forgot something and I was thirsty, so I also came here to grab it for him.’ He finished, obviously having forced those words out.
‘Dongho.’ Kevin spoke again.
‘I’ll be going now.’ Was all he added, before turning and getting ready to leave the room. Eli snapped in surprise, got up and reached for his wrist before making him come back and closing the door. He told him to sit on the bed, because they had to clarify some things.
‘But before I go on, please keep in mind you have to let me finish. Then you can say or ask anything you’d like.’
Dongho looked at him unsure and waited until Kevin also sat next to him, then he spoke before Eli got a chance to give his speech.
‘Listen.’ He stopped him by slightly raising his hand. ‘This is… you don’t have to explain because I know what I saw. So please don’t try coming up with some excuse that’ll make me believe otherwise. It’s just…’ he stopped mid-phrase, unsure of how to continue. ‘I mean, are you two…?’
‘Yes.’ Kevin answered softly, not daring to look into his eyes. Eli had been half expecting him to deny, or at least try a different, less direct approach, but didn’t object anything. He knew it wasn’t the time, but he couldn’t help feel his heart flutter a little at his candid disclosure.
‘And ehm, for how long have you…?’ Dongho tried again, apparently incapable of bringing himself up to completing the sentence.
‘A few months. Half a year, maybe.’
‘Seven, actually.’ Eli whispered. ‘Counted.’
Kevin looked at him guiltily, then stared back at his hands.
‘This is not…’ Dongho attempted again. ‘Does anybody else know?’
‘Nobody.’ Kevin said. ‘And please, we’re begging you, don’t tell anyone. We know how dangerous this is, but please don’t judge us and keep it a secret.’
‘Who said I was going to judge you?’ Dongho asked, looking at both of them. Eli hadn’t expected that. ‘I was just surprised, that’s all. And yeah, don’t worry. No one else will find out.’
Despite trying to act indifferent and cool towards the whole situation, Eli could see how slightly uncomfortable he was being. He couldn’t blame him and albeit he felt very grateful for his accepted silence, he still wasn’t feeling extremely secure about it. Dongho was, after all, a teenager and even if he was known for being a good secret-keeper, this was more than just a juvenile, childhood code.
‘Thank you.’ Eli said. ‘But please, please, don’t just say that. We know how this is freaking you out and we’re not blaming you, it’s just that this is really important to us and we wouldn’t want to have to break apart because of this. We’ll be extra careful from now on, but I’m begging you to understand how important it is for us to keep this silent.’
Kevin smiled and began playing with his fingers. Dongho noticed that and tried his best to smile back, although he couldn’t form a full curve of the lips.
‘I know.’ The youngest said. ‘Trust me, I’m not going to say anything. But to be honest, now that I’ve managed to let it sip within, it doesn’t seem as shocking.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kevin asked.
‘Well, I noticed how close you two were, although I would have never imagined it was actually this close. I’m not sure if I was ever expecting you to end up like this, but it was sort of inevitable, I guess.’ Dongho stated calmly.
‘Do you think the others will catch on? Should we be less obvious?’ Eli questioned, startled at what he was hearing.
‘No, I think you should continue acting the way you do now, even in front of them. Otherwise they’ll start suspecting something’s wrong. I mean, we all know you’re close, but it doesn’t go to the point of suspicion or anything.’
They didn’t say anything for a while, before Dongho looked up again.
‘How long were you thinking of keeping it, anyway?’ he questioned.
‘Longer than this.’ Kevin laughed miserably.
‘God, this conversation was awkward.’ Dongho declared after a while.
In the end he suggested they’d get back to their crew, before they start asking questions and Soohyun would beat him up with the barbecue grill for being so late with his phone. Eli wasn’t particularly surprised at his maturity of handling the situation, since he had known Dongho was perfectly capable of dealing with things beyond his reach, despite his young age. He was still worried, not to mention freaked out by the fact that someone knew, but for then, he’d just have to find a way to cope with the situation.
On the day of their one year anniversary, Eli and Kevin decided to tell the others about their relationship. They had organized a small gathering in the living room and, with sweaty palms and heads that prayed not to be judged, they told everyone how it all started and tried to explain, as best and calm as possible, careful not to omit any details, the evolution of their relation. Alexander and Soohyun stared at them in disbelief, Kiseop forgot to close his mouth and frowned, but neither of them seemed exceedingly bothered by it. At some point, after the initial shock had passed, Kibum joked and asked how many days they had going. Eli coughed and told him what they were actually celebrating that day and that closed his mouth, determining him to be unable of muttering another word for the entire evening. When Dongho was asked how come he wasn’t reacting in any way and he confessed he had known for months, the others moved their gaze for the first time that night from the couple to him.
Maybe having told them wasn’t such a bad idea, Eli thought a few days after the incident. Sure Soohyun and Kibum avoided looking at them when they were standing close together, as they were probably expecting a kiss to happen and didn’t know how they’d react if that materialized. And sure Kiseop wasn’t really good at love talk when Kevin told him stuff about him and Eli and he’d try to politely change the subject. Even more sure, Alexander and
Dongho seemed to be the only ones not bothered in the least by the situation, although they’d leave the room if they ever saw Kevin and Eli alone in it.
But at least now, after so much trying and playing hide-and-seek, they were finally able to state out loud how much they truly loved each other. And who knew, perhaps they’d be able to say the same thing after many more years to come.
Pairing: Elvin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Summary: In the end someone has to find out.
6,332 words
Eli wasn’t the type to make friends instantly. It was as if everyone around him had some sort of inner device that helped them locate and target someone that was compatible with them, or some kind of people scanner that helped them track down a possible friend, except him. He didn’t particularly have a problem with it, although there had been times when he wished he could be more open towards new, more sociable than those individuals who sat home on a Saturday evening, in front of the TV or the computer, with a bag of chips and a soda and simply refused going out for whatever reason.
Truth being told, he was. He was exactly one of those people he knew others generally avoided, and nothing more. He preferred being left alone when he was upset, instead of going to a friend in whom he could confess all of his troubles. The only stores in his city that he had ever visited his entire life were the supermarket, the audio one and, long time ago, the mall. He hated having to walk around aisles in search for clothes, but he liked running errands for his mother. He didn’t like reading much, but every once in a while he would find himself with a police novel in his hands. He ate all the fast-food he could think of because when the situation presented itself, ordering was inevitable, but then hated himself and quickly took on some sports to lose all the extra weight.
He never had a complicated life unaffectedly because he couldn’t bother with it and he had always been perfectly fine with that.
Things had to change for the worse -Eli still wasn’t sure if he could call them worse, but they were so different, it sometimes scared him- after he moved to Korea and began training under an entertainment company. He felt forced into having to deal with a new language he had never heard before, the striking difference in mentality and customs, the even more unusual change in the east-Asian food and how people generally thought they could dominate and take charge over every aspect of one’s life. It was impossible to be alone there, if he was seen alone on the streets people automatically assumed that he must have someone at home waiting for him, or that he was carrying those heavy bags for his family. If Eli had any piece of jewelry upon him, people would start interrogating him about it with the same eagerness an eagle stalks his prey, as if it sure must have been gifted. And since they never believed him when he told them otherwise, he always ended up lying and admitting he had in fact received it as a birthday gift.
On one side, maybe things weren’t so bad. Eli had finally achieved a weird sense of belonging, like he was at last succeeding at something he liked and his trainers kept him busy from morning to evening. As if he was finally doing something useful with his time and gave up fooling around. Sure his personal life had vanished the minute he set foot in that company, but who cared. If it hadn’t been for that chance, he wouldn’t have had a clue as to what to do with his future.
On the other hand, his much more meaningful reason for not wanting to leave Korea, despite the hardships he was now obliged to face, was Kevin. They met shortly after their manager decided the new music group formation and the blond-head drew his attention from the beginning.
Probably because they were complete opposites.
Kevin was like a magnet that drew people close to him without even being aware of it. They all wanted to be his friend, his best friend, his gym partner, his confider, his everything. When Kevin said ‘no’, others would immediately back off like it was the most precious command and when Kevin wanted something, those who happened to be around would leave whatever they were doing and hurry up to fetch it for him. He didn’t even have to move a finger, because he was always treated like a prince. It was as if he had bred all of them in an incubator and, because they had been given life by him, they were now obliged to follow his orders without questioning.
Eli hated that at first.
He hated the fact that someone could gather all this attention without even a drop of sweat and he despised the way he walked around with such elegance, it made heads turn. He hated how his hands looked so delicate and white, while still keeping a certain masculine vibe. Eli then looked at his own hands and couldn’t even see a slight resemblance, even if he squinted his eyes. Kevin had the hands of an artist and Eli had just hands.
But Kevin either seemed not to notice the spotlight, or deliberately decided to ignore it from the beginning, because he never responded to any attempts of approach, not even the most innocent ones. That made Eli question his background and previous relationships with people, and because curiosity had always been a major part in Eli’s life like the sky and the sun, he decided not to let his resentful feelings in the way and approached Kevin. It surprised him when Kevin responded positively to all of his advancements and made others jealous, since the younger was known for blocking people away from his life like they carried deadly viruses. However, he had been allowed to be a significant part of Kevin’s life from the very beginning and looking back, he didn’t know what he had done otherwise.
He soon discovered the mass of reasons behind Kevin’s lack of wanting to open up, just like Kevin knew how to read Eli like an open book from the very first contact. It had always been like an unspoken agreement to allow each other to intrude into their private lives without fear of being rejected. One’s feelings, emotions and most inner thoughts were like a clear mirror for the other, an unstained surface that never got obscured by dirt or steam. They were each other’s personal diary and Eli soon found out that it was a very pleasant feeling.
Once the closeness had been established though, he had been quite taken aback by Kevin’s insecurities. They were irrational, Eli believed, as someone as close to supremacy as Kevin couldn’t possibly have any. And if he did, they were for sure untenable.
Kevin often thought he was too skinny. He wouldn’t act like one of those people who spent ages in front of the mirror, pondering over their weight and getting all sullen because of it, but every once in a while, whenever they passed in front of a shop window or the marble walls of their company’s corridors, Kevin would slow down the pace and watch his reflection in the shiny surface, and Eli could always notice a sign of dissatisfaction on his face. He then moved on and reapplied his smile like an automated robot, who knew how to function its system properly, so that it can please the owner. The older knew what was going to shelter inside his head after that, though, even if he never admitted it out loud. His insecurities were probably the only thing Kevin didn’t share with Eli and that sort of bothered him.
Kevin also didn’t like his legs, because he thought they looked too thin and it made him resemble a walking skeleton. He tried to cover that at first by wearing jeans two sizes larger, but when he realized they just appeared baggy on him, he gave up the thought and began working out in the gym, to build a substantial mass of muscles. His gym frenzy piled up after people around him started making remarks about how fragile he seemed and now he needed being taken care of. Kibum once joked on his behalf and said that if Kevin ever got a girlfriend, she would have to take care of him and not vice versa. Then, on their wedding night, she’d have to carry him over the threshold and lay him on the bed like a disabled princess. Kevin laughed it off and joined the others in joking about this subject, but Eli didn’t think it was funny for a second, as he caught the look of insecurity on his face.
Ever since, Kevin had refused listening to Eli when he told him he was overworking himself too much, denied their manager’s request of taking a break every once in a while and didn’t listen to anybody who dared telling him he was trying too hard. It was like he had grown allergic to these types of conversations.
Eli wanted to show him how his so-called weakness made him look stunningly beautiful. He wanted to be able to open his eyes and make him see himself for who he was. He wanted to prove that his fragility, combined with the smoky makeup their staff sometimes painted their faces, made him rank higher than anybody else on the beauty scale, whether it was male or female. He wanted to make him realize how irreplaceably gorgeous he was, even when he performed the most dull of tasks, such as eating -the way Kevin licked his lips after every bite- or changing a shirt -how Eli couldn’t stop himself from staring at his nipples whenever he took his clothes off. He had imagined, countless times, how his long and slim fingers caressed his entire body without pause. They had been the object of Eli’s most ardent fantasies for nights in a row, as he imagined himself being touched, petted and scratched by his dainty hands. How it would feel to have his manhood grabbed in Kevin’s palm and how he’d let him pump up and down in repetitive motions, until he drained all life out of him.
Eli knew there was a sea of unspoken something between them and he got certified of this so many times, he had lost count. He couldn’t remain oblivious to all of this, as Kevin was sometimes so suggestive that it made the older wonder if he was doing it on purpose just to get his attention.
Sometimes they just liked lazing around the living room of their dorm when the others were out, talking about all sorts of trifles, with Eli on the floor, leaned against the sofa and Kevin comfortable settled between his legs, resting on his chest. They could have used the couch behind, but it was like this little ritual defined them for who they were and reminded them it was a habit only for them to know and experience. It was their personal way of getting closer and sharing intimacy in a way others could only dream of. Occasionally, when the conversation turned to a questioning point, Kevin would swing his head to look at Eli closely, as if seeking for reassurance or some other feeling he didn’t know how to name. His gazes always carried a secret meaning, he couldn’t not notice the way they were filled with a strange combination of longing and affection, the way Kevin seemed to want to stare into his eyes longer. Of course he had to interrupt the contact after a while to avoid the awkwardness, but always repeated the gesture after a few seconds and made sure to prolong it each time.
They never had communication issues while spending time together, as unbroken dialogues came naturally to them when they were alone, until Eli came out of the shower one day with just a towel around his waist and bumped into Kevin, who had just come out of his room, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. The surprise on their faces revealed how both of them had thought they were alone in the house, before Kevin smiled at him and settled on one of the cushioned chairs.
‘I thought you were at the gym with Soohyun.’ He said sleepily, resting his head in his palm and placing his elbow on the armrest.
‘Soohyun went home to his family this weekend and I don’t like going alone.’ Eli grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat next to him, on the couch.
‘Right, because the big, scary monsters might come while you’re working out.’ Kevin teased. Eli could have sworn he noticed him shifting a little away from him, but didn’t comment about it.
‘Well, you know me. If I don’t have my knight in shining armor with me, I don’t even dare to go out.’
‘True, true.’
He was sure of Kevin’s moving the second time, as he clearly saw him scooting to the right, a few more inches away from Eli. He was looking down, apparently extremely interested in his socks and a slight blush had crept on his face.
‘Are you feeling alright?’ Eli asked, rattled by his sudden switch in behavior.
‘Fine. I couldn’t really sleep well, that’s all. Good thing we have the day off.’ Kevin quickly replied, still avoiding to look up at him. Eli leaned in -the younger almost squirmed in his chair- and placed the back of his hand on his forehead. Kevin held his breath at the unexpected contact, but kept his composure.
‘I think you have a fever. Drink some ice-tea.’
‘I’m fine, really. It’s not a big deal.’
In a situation like this Eli would normally go inside his room and get dressed before allowing anybody else to talk to him. He never really liked how other celebrities his age performed topless, or spoke in front of the cameras with almost nothing on and he couldn’t imagine himself doing the same thing. There was something going on there, however, like a sudden unheard voice ordering him to stay in place and see how far he could cross the line. It was as if this ability of intimidating had suddenly swept over him and made him play along its game.
Scarily enough, he was enjoying it. He had a feeling Kevin was acting like this because he displayed his torso without concern and didn’t want to put an end to it. Why, he had no idea.
He surged from his chair the same time Kevin did and forced him to look him in the eye by placing two fingers under his chin and lifting his head. Kevin focused, unsure at first, then indescribably yearning. He lowered his gaze once more on his chest and placed his palm upon it, right in the middle. As he began tracing lines with the tip of his fingers all across his bare skin, he followed the path made by his hand and breathed heavily. Eli did so too, as his chest began rising and lowering much faster than before, in an attempt to slower his paced heart rhythm.
They both knew what was going on, it was too out there not to know. The closeness, the warmth, the alluring scent of each other’s skin was too strong not to realize they were slowly closing the distance, prepared for and anticipating whatever was about to happen. They were both conscious how dangerous it was, how someone could have walked in at any moment and stumbled across a scene hard to explain, but the temptation for maintaining the tenderness was too strong to resist.
Just as Eli was about to completely cease the distance, Kevin pressed his hand firmer against his chest and gently pushed him away. He muttered an almost unheard ‘Sorry’ and rushed out the door without looking back. Eli had been left there standing, with his face flushed and his head in an utter daze. He couldn’t wrap his thoughts around what had just happened, couldn’t yet fully comprehend the meaning behind it. He felt inert for a few seconds, as he let reality seep into him and made him even more confused. He felt puzzled, but happy. Scared, but excited. Unsure, but hopeful.
The next few days passed without incidents, as they were so busy preparing for their future performances, they barely had any time left for themselves. The continuous training and endless Japanese lessons meant all there was left to do was eat and sleep. Because of their incapability to exchange words anymore, Eli watched Kevin closely during their practice, hoping for at least one sign that everything was still alright between them and that the younger wouldn’t bail out on him now. The apology he received after their last share of intimacy had him lose good hours of sleep and made him replay the scene over and over again in his head. He didn’t know what Kevin had meant by that ‘Sorry’, couldn’t make out if he was regretting what had happened or he was apologizing in advance for the fact that he wouldn’t return any gesture like that anymore. Eli felt like he was about to go insane, as the younger wouldn’t even shoot him a look to reassure him everything was still running smoothly between them and that the moment didn’t equal the end of their relationship.
Before the first performance in a line of many others to come, Eli deliberately stayed behind with Kevin, as they were all waiting near the stage, for the green light that would announce them the instant to go on. He took advantage of the fact that their band mates were too busy making jokes in front of the camera and went near Kevin. He squeezed his hand and waited, but he didn’t react, even though Eli felt a sudden tremor at the touch.
‘Kev.’
He kept his gaze straight, expressionless, although he squeezed back. It was tight. Eli smiled at that and felt his heart settling a bit.
‘It doesn’t have to be like this, you know.’ He went on, entwining their fingers. Kevin closed his eyes for a second, visibly enjoying the warm contact, which made Eli undergo a strange sensation in his stomach.
He couldn’t add anything else, as the staff emboldened them to get line and get ready for their performance. Eli let go before anyone else could notice their closeness and went at the back of the row, almost unwilling to let go of his hand. He had been sure, though, before breaking the contact, that Kevin felt the same thing, as he lingered for a few seconds on his grasp before completely letting go.
The gig ran smoothly and it would have been a miracle not to, considering how hard they’ve trained for those past few days. Eli had mentally cursed himself for allowing his vision to constantly move from the camera to Kevin. He was sure the fans, who were known for having the eyes of a raptor, would catch the moments while watching the recording later and would issue an entire topic about it on discussion boards, as it usually happened. He couldn’t help himself, though, as Kevin’s curves even caught the attention of those who weren’t their fans, with his unique way of gracefully sliding across the stage like it was owned by him.
Kevin had been born to be in the flashlight, Eli thought, as he made his way to the bathroom and let out a relieved breath after noting no one was inside. He needed to get away from everything for a moment, needed to release himself from the screaming audience and blinding lights, needed a moment to live for his sake and not for the publicity. As he let his hands grab the edge of the sink, his head fell between his shoulders and he inhaled deeply. He took a few sips of water and was about to get back out, when he screen door opened and Kevin barged in, obviously as distracted and in dire need for a pause as he was. He stopped with a halt after seeing Eli and seemed to hesitate between going back and entering.
‘Don’t go.’ Eli said, taking note of his unsure expression. Kevin moved from the doorframe and inched forward, then began approaching him with slow steps.
The older turned from the mirror and faced him, although he didn’t move from his spot. He wanted to know Kevin’s exact thoughts in that moment, wanted to guide him until he’d be nothing more than a puppet in his strings. Kevin continued walking before stopping right in front of him, then carefully spread his hands to rest on his shoulders. Eli gave him an encouraging smile, as if trying to tell him it was alright to touch him and proceeded with grabbing his hands and moved them further up, to the point in which they were tangled behind his neck. Kevin smiled back and pressed his body against Eli’s, knowing what they were doing and what it meant, but without trying to stop it.
Eli placed his hands on his waist and tugged playfully at the hem of his jacket, trying to make him understand how much he wanted this and how pleasurable it felt. He pressed his forehead against Kevin and, albeit the younger didn’t reject the closeness, he talked shakily for the first time in the last three days.
‘This is not good.’ He whispered.
Eli felt like struck by lightning, but had to admit he was probably right. Yet still, how can something that felt so precious be so wrong?
‘Don’t do this.’ Eli said back gently. ‘Please don’t do this.’
‘We both know what’s happening here.’
‘Do we? Because I’m not even sure what I feel anymore. You make me confused.’
‘Like you’re the one to talk.’ Kevin laughed faintly.
The noise outside seemed to distant itself, as they stood in a warm embrace, with their bodies glued together. It felt like the most normal thing in the world and Eli wished they wouldn’t have to come back out at some point.
‘You don’t want this?’ Eli asked, not sure himself what ‘this’ meant, but hoping Kevin would understand.
‘I don’t know what I want.’ Kevin buried his nose in the blade of his shoulder and closed his eyes. Eli placed his hand on his hair and held him tighter with the other one, as he was trying to hide the feeling of fright that was slowly building itself inside him.
Unable to take the burning fear within him any longer, he cupped Kevin’s face and kissed him longingly, trying to pour in it all of his feelings and hopes. Kevin immediately let his tongue make its way through and sucked on it eagerly, before playing with it in a mass of twirls and whimpers. It felt so good, finally being able to kiss him without restriction, as Eli held him so close to his body they would soon become one. It was an indescribable sensation, as they let their heads go blank and enjoyed the wet, full of tender kiss. Eli liked the way he would occasionally turn his head to allow deeper contact, or how he clanged onto him like his life depended on it.
Right then, it truly felt like their lives were controlled by that one sole moment.
Eli felt him retreating slowly, then took a step back and looked at him worriedly. He was waiting for him to say something, but Kevin simply stared down, brushed his hand through his hair nervously and walked out, not before assuring Eli they were going to talk later about it.
Later proved to be never, because even though they continued sharing secret kisses over the course of the next few weeks, that was all their relationship resumed to and Kevin didn’t approach the subject again. Eli saw how eager he was to be alone with him each time, how he gave everything of him in a kiss, how he wasn’t restraining himself from caressing any side of Eli his hands could reach and was very satisfied by it. The feeling one got when the person one loves responds back positively is unimaginably heavenly, yet still, Eli felt like something was missing.
For once, Kevin vehemently refused to let someone see them together, even for a split second. It bothered Eli, as he hadn’t had this problem before, but their hidden love -was it truly love?- had somehow made Kevin paranoid and he was now dissenting even the slightest displays of affection public. The older knew how important it was for them to keep things unveiled, but he was also aware how miserable it made both of them. Even if Kevin increased their intimate moments together, he almost completely diminished the open ones and Eli could see how unsatisfied he was with the situation.
There was also a mass of unclear phrases between them, phrases they both wanted to express, but didn’t dare to. They never labeled their relationship, not before and not after the kiss, because each of them unyieldingly believed that the other would be driven away if that was brought up. Deep inside, though, Eli was the only one to know how strongly he wanted Kevin to call him his boyfriend and how ardently he dreamed of walking down the streets with him holding hands.
Eli had always known how to cope against storms, he knew how to fight against torrential rain and how to defeat blistering winds. That was because he always had a rigid dependence that allowed him to stay strong and not let emotions get to him, even things got really messy. But know, after realizing how helpless the entire situation was, he felt like he just had to stay still and let the torrent float his confidence away. He was a mere spectator in front of frustration’s theatre and there was nothing he could do about it.
Apparently Kevin was also beginning to feel remorse about the position they were both in, because one late evening he waited until their members left and went into Soohyun and Eli’s room, where his lover was responding to fan mail on his laptop. He closed the door behind him and stopped in front of the closet. Eli immediately got up from his bed, where he had been sitting front down, with a pillow under his chin and went by his side.
‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ he asked, grabbing Kevin’s hand into his own. ‘You didn’t go out with the others.’
‘I didn’t feel like it.’ He responded, shifting their positions so that Eli was now pressed against the wooden closet. He gave him a few pecks on the lips, until Eli went for a proper long kiss. Kevin moaned with pleasure when the older lifted his shirt and began caressing his back, drawing him so close there wasn’t any space left between them.
When Eli thought it couldn’t go any better, he felt Kevin’s erection through his jeans, as the younger was so tightly glued to him, it would have been impossible not to sense it. He buried his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and cupped his bottom firmly, motioning for him to start moving faster. Kevin did and, as he started rubbing against him, Eli was beginning to feel his own erection grow in anticipation. They were both breathing heavily through interrupted kisses, as if they were gasping for air every few seconds.
Kevin increased the speed of his movements and commenced a slight thrust onto Eli’s pelvic area, which turned the older on even more and made him ask himself how come they hadn’t done something like that before. Kevin began kissing his neck and nibbled at his earlobe, before moving to licking the jaw line and applying sloppy kisses all over his chest. His fingers were tangled kind of painfully in Eli’s hair, but he couldn’t complain, as the amount of sensations his body was experiencing was beyond anything he had imagined. The younger then moved his hand upper down, until it stopped between their pelvises and unzipped both of their jeans frantically. That was infinitely better, as all that was standing in between their hard erections were two thin straps of material. They didn’t stop until Kevin came first with a loud sigh, closely followed by Eli, whose entire body shuddered at the holy feeling.
They remained embraced for a few moments, waiting to come down from their high, before Kevin lazily pushed himself away and zipped his pants back up. Eli did the same, smiling at him and not daring to believe that his innocent, usually restrained Kevin had waited God-knows how long to do something like that.
‘I need to shower.’ The younger finally mumbled, blushing and looking down. Eli laughed and grabbed his hand, then let themselves fall onto the bed, on their sides. He took Kevin in his arms and caressed him, not understanding how something so bland as stroking someone can feel so loving.
‘Let’s never get up from here again.’ Kevin talked after a while.
‘What about when the others come back? They’re probably going to bang down the door and barge in with a fire extinguisher.’
‘Let them. I don’t want to move. They’ll have to carry me. I don’t mind.’
‘I can carry you.’ Eli kissed his exposed shoulder.
‘I wouldn’t mind that either.’
The sound of the key being turned into the doorknob was quickly heard and they both got up with the speed of light. Kevin kissed him gently one more time before leaving, then went straight into the living room to greet the others and pretend to be excited about their new clothes. Eli came out soon after that and joined the silly excitement about Kiseop’s new sneakers, while allowing Kevin to sit on his lap. For the first time in many weeks, the younger didn’t reject the closeness, instead he happily lay there, under the eyes of everybody.
After a few months, just when Eli was beginning to feel less bothered about their hiding and just as Kevin was starting to be more comfortable with him around their band mates, Dongho walked in on them as they were kissing on the bed. They had taken advantage of the fact that it was Sunday morning and their company was celebrating something out on a barbecue, and decided to stay in a few more minutes to savor each other’s company before joining the others. What they hadn’t expected, though, was for anybody to return that early. It had been too late to part and pretend like nothing happened, when the youngest had clearly saw them sharing a long, tongue-tangling kiss, as he stopped in the doorframe and looked at them with a paralyzed expression on his face.
‘Oh, God.’ Kevin immediately said, getting up and turning towards the window. He grabbed his hair with his hands and stood like that for an instant, while Eli simply stared at Dongho in horror. He was taking turns to look at them and didn’t know what to say, even though he was visibly trying his best to articulate a few syllables.
‘Dongho, listen.’ Eli quickly voiced. ‘It’s not what it looks like.’
‘Please don’t misunderstand.’ Kevin added rapidly, turning to face him.
‘I…’ Dongho began, before swallowing hard and going for a second try. ‘Soohyun forgot something and I was thirsty, so I also came here to grab it for him.’ He finished, obviously having forced those words out.
‘Dongho.’ Kevin spoke again.
‘I’ll be going now.’ Was all he added, before turning and getting ready to leave the room. Eli snapped in surprise, got up and reached for his wrist before making him come back and closing the door. He told him to sit on the bed, because they had to clarify some things.
‘But before I go on, please keep in mind you have to let me finish. Then you can say or ask anything you’d like.’
Dongho looked at him unsure and waited until Kevin also sat next to him, then he spoke before Eli got a chance to give his speech.
‘Listen.’ He stopped him by slightly raising his hand. ‘This is… you don’t have to explain because I know what I saw. So please don’t try coming up with some excuse that’ll make me believe otherwise. It’s just…’ he stopped mid-phrase, unsure of how to continue. ‘I mean, are you two…?’
‘Yes.’ Kevin answered softly, not daring to look into his eyes. Eli had been half expecting him to deny, or at least try a different, less direct approach, but didn’t object anything. He knew it wasn’t the time, but he couldn’t help feel his heart flutter a little at his candid disclosure.
‘And ehm, for how long have you…?’ Dongho tried again, apparently incapable of bringing himself up to completing the sentence.
‘A few months. Half a year, maybe.’
‘Seven, actually.’ Eli whispered. ‘Counted.’
Kevin looked at him guiltily, then stared back at his hands.
‘This is not…’ Dongho attempted again. ‘Does anybody else know?’
‘Nobody.’ Kevin said. ‘And please, we’re begging you, don’t tell anyone. We know how dangerous this is, but please don’t judge us and keep it a secret.’
‘Who said I was going to judge you?’ Dongho asked, looking at both of them. Eli hadn’t expected that. ‘I was just surprised, that’s all. And yeah, don’t worry. No one else will find out.’
Despite trying to act indifferent and cool towards the whole situation, Eli could see how slightly uncomfortable he was being. He couldn’t blame him and albeit he felt very grateful for his accepted silence, he still wasn’t feeling extremely secure about it. Dongho was, after all, a teenager and even if he was known for being a good secret-keeper, this was more than just a juvenile, childhood code.
‘Thank you.’ Eli said. ‘But please, please, don’t just say that. We know how this is freaking you out and we’re not blaming you, it’s just that this is really important to us and we wouldn’t want to have to break apart because of this. We’ll be extra careful from now on, but I’m begging you to understand how important it is for us to keep this silent.’
Kevin smiled and began playing with his fingers. Dongho noticed that and tried his best to smile back, although he couldn’t form a full curve of the lips.
‘I know.’ The youngest said. ‘Trust me, I’m not going to say anything. But to be honest, now that I’ve managed to let it sip within, it doesn’t seem as shocking.’
‘What do you mean?’ Kevin asked.
‘Well, I noticed how close you two were, although I would have never imagined it was actually this close. I’m not sure if I was ever expecting you to end up like this, but it was sort of inevitable, I guess.’ Dongho stated calmly.
‘Do you think the others will catch on? Should we be less obvious?’ Eli questioned, startled at what he was hearing.
‘No, I think you should continue acting the way you do now, even in front of them. Otherwise they’ll start suspecting something’s wrong. I mean, we all know you’re close, but it doesn’t go to the point of suspicion or anything.’
They didn’t say anything for a while, before Dongho looked up again.
‘How long were you thinking of keeping it, anyway?’ he questioned.
‘Longer than this.’ Kevin laughed miserably.
‘God, this conversation was awkward.’ Dongho declared after a while.
In the end he suggested they’d get back to their crew, before they start asking questions and Soohyun would beat him up with the barbecue grill for being so late with his phone. Eli wasn’t particularly surprised at his maturity of handling the situation, since he had known Dongho was perfectly capable of dealing with things beyond his reach, despite his young age. He was still worried, not to mention freaked out by the fact that someone knew, but for then, he’d just have to find a way to cope with the situation.
On the day of their one year anniversary, Eli and Kevin decided to tell the others about their relationship. They had organized a small gathering in the living room and, with sweaty palms and heads that prayed not to be judged, they told everyone how it all started and tried to explain, as best and calm as possible, careful not to omit any details, the evolution of their relation. Alexander and Soohyun stared at them in disbelief, Kiseop forgot to close his mouth and frowned, but neither of them seemed exceedingly bothered by it. At some point, after the initial shock had passed, Kibum joked and asked how many days they had going. Eli coughed and told him what they were actually celebrating that day and that closed his mouth, determining him to be unable of muttering another word for the entire evening. When Dongho was asked how come he wasn’t reacting in any way and he confessed he had known for months, the others moved their gaze for the first time that night from the couple to him.
Maybe having told them wasn’t such a bad idea, Eli thought a few days after the incident. Sure Soohyun and Kibum avoided looking at them when they were standing close together, as they were probably expecting a kiss to happen and didn’t know how they’d react if that materialized. And sure Kiseop wasn’t really good at love talk when Kevin told him stuff about him and Eli and he’d try to politely change the subject. Even more sure, Alexander and
Dongho seemed to be the only ones not bothered in the least by the situation, although they’d leave the room if they ever saw Kevin and Eli alone in it.
But at least now, after so much trying and playing hide-and-seek, they were finally able to state out loud how much they truly loved each other. And who knew, perhaps they’d be able to say the same thing after many more years to come.