Map of your head (chapter 21)
Title: Map of your head
Fandom: U-KISS
Characters & Pairings: Elvin, Xander, OFC, other possible episodic characters
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Humor, Drama
Summary: "Because the language confuses, like computers refuse to understand how I'm feeling today."
Eli is new to this world. Kevin makes him feel like home.
Disclaimer: The title belongs to English rock-band Muse, as well as the lyrics, extracted from their 2002 album entitled ”Hullabaloo”. I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with the named group, or any characters presented in this writing. No copyright infringement intended.
Read: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20
Month three. Day ten.
-part two-
Eli had been wandering the streets for hours, looking frantically in all directions, trying desperately to establish a connection between the world around him and what was actually happening, only to find how hard it was to keep his gaze focused on just one spot for more than a fraction of a second.
Without really knowing the direction he wanted to follow, he first headed straight to the nearest parking lot he had been to last time, hoping to find the same driver that helped him search for Kevin when he had run away more than a month before. Much to his disappointment, this time there weren’t any cabs waiting to pick someone up, though, so all Eli could do was to keep running down the boulevard, asking people along the way if they had seen two young boys that might have carried some luggage with them, but received the same negative answer each time. He knew they could have left hours before, probably when it was still dark outside and exited the city while most people walking on those streets then were still asleep at home, but couldn’t refrain himself from stopping every two passers-by, with an distraught expression on his face. That usually caused them to get scared of Eli and walk away hurriedly, even if he felt more hopeful with each question and more disillusioned with each answer.
He didn’t even know if he was giving the right description of them, since Kevin could have left without any baggage at all. As he stopped running, he sat on a nearby fence to catch his breath and took his phone out. He dialed Alexander’s number, then waited anxiously for him to pick up.
‘Where are you?’ he heard after a few seconds.
‘I’m not sure, about two miles from the hospital.’ Eli looked around.
‘Any news?’
‘I’ve just talked to the police, who told me they’ve last been seen in Cheongju about an hour and a half ago. Take the bus and go there.’ He talked fast.
‘Got it. Listen, did Kevin take his stuff with him?’
‘I guess so, his room seemed empty this morning. Although I have no idea in what he might be carrying his clothes.’
‘Alright. Keep me posted.’ Eli hung up, then lifted himself from the cold, metal bar and hightailed for the nearest bus station. As he kept walking, he couldn’t help but notice he was approaching his own house more and more.
Soon after his arrival, he checked the time table that was glued on the placard hung above the seats, then occupied a place and waited. According to the schedule, he had to wait fifteen more minutes before the next bus would arrive, then spend another twenty-five on the ride. He was losing precious time and he didn’t like it, but having no other option he jammed himself into one of the plastic chairs and eagerly awaited.
As he leered around, his mind metamorphosed itself from its previous blank state into an unsettling analyzing mode, aiding Eli into taking the entire situation logically for the first time since he had received the news.
He wasn’t sure how he felt. He was so hurting like he hadn’t been in a long time -or ever, for that matter-, because he felt as if the person he loved the most had suddenly died. He could feel Kevin was still alright, he had always possessed the capacity of somehow knowing if he was safe or not, even without being near him, but now it made no difference. Vanishing without a trace had been like taking a piece of Eli with him and it felt agonizingly painful.
Eli was mad and even that was an understatement. He had never been angry at Kevin before, simply because he could never really bring himself up to hating on someone for extended periods of time, regardless of what they did. Sure the two of them had fought a couple of times, but the usually-five-minutes-long quarrels had been insignificant and normally ended with a kiss. He was more than infuriated with Kiseop, though, and didn’t even want to calm himself down. He felt like he had to keep the anger intact for when he met him, so that when than moment came, he could let it all out like a torrent during a hurricane. This time, however, Eli didn’t know what he would do if he saw Kevin all of a sudden; he was so confused, he’d probably either drag him back to the hospital by force and then never speak to him again, or clasp him into an embrace so tight, the younger would feel as if the air in his lungs was pulled out of him.
Then again, would he really force Kevin back? The only reason Eli deciphered from his letter was that he had had enough of the setting he lived in, which the older understood. He knew that even with all the love Eli was giving him, it was probably still not enough, since he had felt like a prisoner all those years and longed to have freedom. The lack of independence had made his staying there a living hell and Eli was ready to support his decision - after all, he clearly remembered how, at some point, he had also wanted to run away with him, just to make him happy again.
But, regardless of how much he was trying to see things from his point of view, Eli couldn’t accept the fact that he had ran away with Kiseop. He couldn’t accept that Kevin had once rejected his offer, but when his past confidant came back, he ran into his arms without hesitation and didn’t even stop to consider the consequences he was so strong about. Out of all the people in the world, he had to pick the one Kevin knew Eli hated the most, crushing his feelings like they were insects. He told him he loved him, but had to express it in writing. He told him he didn’t have eyes for anybody but him, then took off with someone else.
The hatred he was feeling for Kiseop in that moment was insurmountable and Eli was pretty sure that no other emotion known by mankind could equal what he was going through. If Kiseop had been there that instant, Eli would have been capable of killing him with his bare hands and he wasn’t surprised to realize that. Even if Kevin did indeed run away with him because he chose to, he didn’t care. If it landed him in prison, he didn’t care. All he was hoping for was to find them as quickly as possible, so that he could somehow release his entire heap of feelings on him.
When the bus finally arrived, Eli was glad to notice it was half-empty and sat in the far back, cursing for the fact that the driver was going too slow. He had already lost valuable time with all the waiting and knew they were probably deviating farther and farther away with each passing minute.
He wasn’t even sure where exactly they were heading to. After checking Kiseop’s medical file many weeks before, Eli had found out that he had a permanent residence somewhere up north, near the border, but they were obviously not going to his house, since he was taking Kevin in the opposite direction. Eli didn’t know if he had any plans at all or if he had just decided to go with the flow and escape to wherever he thought others couldn’t find them, which scared him. He was only hoping that the fool knew how to take care of Kevin properly and that he’d be aware of the crucial attention he needed. With all the concerning, Eli was sure of one thing, though: if taking a cab ride to his house with Kevin had been such a burdensome task all those times, he couldn’t even conceive what all the driving around did to his boyfriend. And if Kiseop failed to take care of him, Eli would make sure he never saw the light of day again.
Boyfriend… that word didn’t sound right anymore. Were they still together? Eli didn’t want to think they weren’t, but the bitter reality was that Kevin had left him for someone else. Sure he didn’t have the guarantee he had already accepted Kiseop’s relationship request, but by the looks of it, he was planning to. And if that was the case, then maybe Kevin had indeed toyed with him all those months, probably waiting for the right opportunity to make a run for his own goal in life.
When the ride finally stopped, Eli got down with the speed of light and looked around disoriented. The place looked more like a train station than a bus one, with passengers running around frenziedly, shouts for relatives everywhere and ‘Welcome home!’ sings wherever he looked. It was like everybody knew what direction to head to and what courses to take next, except him. He went by a pillar, took his phone out again and dialed Alexander’s number. It only rang once before he answered.
‘Please tell me you’re doing better than the others.’ He spoke prompt.
‘Sorry to disappoint. I just arrived in Cheongju, where should I go next?’ Eli asked, staring at a woman who had trouble carrying her bags.
‘The police think they’re heading further south, although they haven’t been seen again since last time. They showed me a map and explained the possible course they have in mind, but I was too preoccupied to pay attention.’
‘Well, great. Should I take the highway or a train?’
‘Train, there’s usually traffic on the highway this hour of the day, not to mention trucks. But hey, at least you have an advantage.’
‘How come?’
‘You’re not being slowed down by luggage.’
‘They don’t have much to carry, either.’ Eli said, noticing how a woman had begun looking at him with curiosity. ‘I mean, I doubt he made Kevin bring much and to be honest, he didn’t even have that many things.’
‘Well go, before we lose even more time.’
After the line disconnected and Eli began walking towards the nearest taxi, the woman from earlier approached him and gently patted his arm. He turned around to look at her, as she cleared her throat and spoke. The smoke coming from the lit cigarette between her fingers bothered Eli to no extent, but he didn’t move away.
‘Excuse me,’ she began, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.’
That’s what they all say, Eli thought.
‘I was wondering if you were taking about the two boys that got off a few hours ago.’
‘You saw them?’ Eli asked surprised. ‘One of them was blonde and really thin, while the other was about an inch taller and had light-brown hair.’
She puffed into her cigar as he nodded, before letting out a trail of smoke right in Eli’s face.
‘Yes, yes, that’s it. You’re looking for them, right?’
‘I am. Did they arrive here long ago?’
Her brows furrowed in disorientation, as she made a thinking face and inhaled another gasp.
‘Two hours, give or take a few minutes. But I must say, the young one looked awfully sick.’ Eli’s heart almost sunk at that. ‘The other one was holding him, like he was about to collapse any second.’
‘Did you see where they went? Or did you hear what they were talking about?’ he questioned impatiently.
‘That way, into the city.’ She motioned with her chin somewhere behind him. ‘They weren’t talking as far as I could see, though.’
‘Thank you very much.’ Eli bowed his head quickly, before spinning around and exiting through the main gates in a hurry. He still wasn’t feeling like he had any support or base to work with whatsoever, but at least he had been given a direction and he was willing to follow it blindly.
Just as he reached a silver taxi and opened its door, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He made a sign to the driver to wait and answered.
‘Eli? Come back here immediately.’ Alexander voiced with on a somehow chocked tone.
‘What’s wrong?’ Eli glared ahead and narrowed his eyes.
‘Don’t ask questions and get back.’ He said, this time much more tense, like he was about to have a panic attack. Eli couldn’t figure out if he was crying or not.
‘Listen, are you sure? Did anybody find them? Because someone just told me she saw them some time ago and I was about to-’
‘For God’s sake, just get the hell back here and stop asking questions. You’ll see why.’ Alexander snapped, then hung up without adding anything else.
Eli stood there looking at his phone in dismay, while a hand was still resting on the open door of the cab. He excused himself to the driver, who sighed in annoyance, then shut the door closed and revolved back towards the gates of the station. The woman from earlier still hadn’t finished her cigar and was now gazing at him questioningly, but Eli didn’t stop to explain. He went by the panel posted at the entrance, checked for a bus that would take him back to Seoul and ran all the way to the other side of the parking range. He hoped in one of the white coaches waiting to depart and, twenty minutes later, he was on his way back to the asylum.
The ride felt like an eternity. Alexander’s startled voice scared him and he tried restraining himself from formulating the worst scenarios in his head. The fact that he hadn’t been given more details unsettled him and it was hard trying to make himself stop thinking about it. Eli wiggled his leg the entire time and couldn’t halt himself from drumming on the armrest with the tips of his fingernails, making those around him roll their eyes in exasperation. At least the driver was faster than the previous one.
Half an hour later, he shouldered his way through the mob as he got off, causing the passengers to remind him how disrespectful he was. He was pretty sure he heard an old man commenting about how young people these days forgot what respect truly meant, but began running towards the hospital without apologizing. He would have taken a cab, but he was also out of money and Eli had no other choice but to take deep breaths of air every few seconds and impede his legs from stopping.
The sight of the asylum’s tall, metal gates hadn’t felt like a bigger blessing for Eli than in that moment, as he entered into the empty yard and went straight for the double door. He flew up the stairs and found himself in front of Alexander’s office a few minutes later, just as a police officer was coming out. He didn’t seem to notice Eli, instead he was looking over some papers with a frown. The place had lost its agitation, although two doctors were talking with a low, whispered voice a few feet away.
He entered without knocking and was instantly greeted by Alexander’s brought down posture. He was sitting in his leather chair, leaned against the backrest with his fingers entwined in his lap, staring lifeless into space. His eyes were red and swollen, like he had been rubbing at them for too long and his shoulders were hunched down. He raised his gaze to Eli slowly, but his expression remained the same.
‘What happened?’ Eli asked, feeling a shiver running down his spine as he stared into that blank peer. ‘Why did you call me back?’
The older made a light sign with his head to sit down, but didn’t say anything. Eli felt like something terrible was about to hit him, similar to those tornado warnings he used to get back home. He waited for Alexander to say something, but it looked like he was having trouble formulating the sentence. In the end he took a deep breath and opened his mouth.
‘The policeman who just left made me write a declaration.’ He said miserably and Eli felt scared by his hoarse voice. ‘Like it matters anymore.’
‘What do you mean? What did he say?’ he shifted in his seat.
His superior kept his gaze on some invisible point on his desk, then continued speaking with a low, steady voice.
‘He told me his patrols managed to get an idea of where they might have gone and went after them. They found out that Kiseop had arranged with someone to drive them away further south, towards the coast, although no one had any idea what they were going to do from that point on.’
He sniffed his nose and made a brief pause before going on. Eli felt like he was about to explode.
‘They were on the main highway. The driver -the guy Kiseop knew- was going too fast. They’re not sure when it happened, but at some point he apparently lost control of the wheel.’ He stated with grief. Eli felt his heart racing, as he kept his eyes fixed on Alexander’s inanimate face.
‘They had an accident.’ He said simply after a while. ‘The car caught fire. The police haven’t figured out the details yet, because the whole thing is a mess and the bodies are deeply buried under the wrecks.’ He finished with a shaky voice.
A long silence followed. A car honked somewhere outside and a few nurses passed by the door, talking loudly. Alexander looked straight ahead, before analyzing Eli’s face, then gazed back down.
Eli was staring at him. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t moving, he was just watching him with such penetrating eyes, it was like he wasn’t opaque anymore and he was looking right through him. He felt sweat covering his back and shook his head. Once, twice, a couple more times until he stopped and his hands and legs began trembling. He still wasn’t breathing heavily, although he knew his heart was speeding and felt his stomach go all the way up his throat. He swallowed hard, as it seemed like the room around him was slowly disappearing and actually noticed Alexander had been there for the past few minutes. The older was still taking turns in looking at him, then at his desk, waiting for a reaction.
Eli’s eyes stung, then felt a tear tickling his cheek. He brought his hand up and swept it off, before sensing the other one turning wet as well. He hadn’t realized he had started crying, as he started rubbing furiously at his cheeks until they hurt and turned red. He still couldn’t grasp the information, didn’t want to understand and refused to believe it was true.
Of course it wasn’t true, he thought. Of course it was just a misunderstanding and things were going to be fine soon. They had to be, because anything involving Kevin was too good to have a bad ending. Kevin was out there. Probably tired and wandering the streets, but out there. He was regretting having left and was now thinking of a way back to Eli, because they belonged together and he loved him too much to let go like that. Eli just had to be patient and wait for another police official to come in and announce that they had made a mistake and Kevin had been found and they were now bringing him back. He just had to wait because there wasn’t any other way.
There wasn’t, really.
He slowly got up from his chair and went by the window, wiping another tear along the way. He looked outside, then back at Alexander, who had been watching him wordlessly the entire time. The older was now supposed to say it was a joke. Or that he had misheard the officer and all they had to do was wait for the right outcome. He stared at him expectantly, knowing he must say it sooner or later. He looked and looked, until seconds turned into minutes and minutes seemed to stretch without ending. Alexander glared back, eyes dark and indecipherable.
When he finally understood what was the signal Eli was waiting for and shook his head in sorrow, the younger broke apart.
He let out a deep sob and slid against the wall, before bursting out in an uncontrollable cry. To say it was the worst possible feeling was far from stating the truth and the cutting pain inside his chest tightened to such degree, it made it almost unbearably hard to breathe. He brought his knees up and rested his chin on them, as his fingers gripped his hair firmly. He began calling Kevin’s name over and over again, as he was trying not to pass out. When everything became too horrific for him to handle, it hit him.
Kevin was dead.
He would never see him again, he would never hear him laugh and he could never hold him in his arms for the rest of his life. Kevin was no more. Kevin was nothing but a bundle of burned flesh and crushed bones, somewhere on a desolated highway.
Eli didn’t know how to act or think as he looked around the room in terror. He didn’t know what to feel or what to do with his hands, wasn’t sure how much painful it was going to get over the course of the next hours and how he was going to cope with everything. He felt like someone came and ripped him apart in numerous, uneven pieces. The worst part was that he was crying so hard he soon became nauseous and, before he could refrain himself, he grabbed the trashcan nearby and puked. He didn’t even know what he was throwing up, since he hadn’t eaten anything for the past twelve hours, but felt as if he was unable to stop.
Alexander immediately got up and helped him rise on his feet, then guided him out of the office and towards the nearest bathroom. He locked the door behind them and aided him in washing his face, then cleaned up the mess on his shirt with some damp paper towels and made him rest against the cold wall. Eli wasn’t feeling better, although he motioned a fainted ‘Thanks’ with his head and fluttered his eyelashes a few times, before closing his eyes completely for the next minutes. When he opened them, Alexander was looking at him with concern on his face.
He let Eli lay there, as he held him soothingly and allowed him to cry even more in his shoulder. He was trying implausibly hard not to burst out in tears himself and attempted saying something calming a few times, before realizing there was nothing he could add to make the situation less painful.
‘Come on.’ He whispered after a while, emboldening Eli to get up. ‘Listen, go home and try to rest. Eat something. Take a few days off and come back when you feel ready. I’ll take care of the committee and explain the situation to them. I’ll call you later, okay?’
Eli nodded and hugged him, before heading towards the locker room to grab his things.
On his way out he passed in front of Kevin’s room.
The door was closed.
**
The routine Eli had fallen into for the next few days numbed all of his pain.
He was sleeping more than he had ever slept in his life, out of the sole reason that he was tired and drained of energy any time of the day. He hadn’t eaten anything for the first twenty-four hours after arriving home, but quickly after, his stomach started cramping to a severe degree and forced Eli to munch on some bread and drink lots of water. Then he’d get back in bed and force his eyes shut, in a desperate attempt to keep reality away. He would always wake up with a startle, after having dreamed all sorts of scenarios that involved Kevin’s car crash and the last moments of his life.
He’d kick himself each time for imagining the worst and most painful scenes, as they involuntarily played in his head over and over again. He had soon lost count of the number of sleeping pills he swallowed and the hours spent on gazing blankly outside the window.
He was disgusted with himself, as the only use of the bathroom he had been acquainted with was the usage of the toilet. He hadn’t touched the shower, or his toothbrush ever since locking himself inside his house, but didn’t even feel the need to. Everything was so disorganized -the wrinkled bed sheets, the dusty furniture, the pieces of garbage disposed at random places on the floor- that it looked like a storm had swept the entire house and nobody bothered to clean up after it. What was the point of tidying anymore, Eli asked himself. It wasn’t like he had someone to invite over.
Alexander had called several times, asking if he was feeding himself properly and if he was keeping the windows open, to let fresh air sip in. He’d then question, on a more motherly tone, if he was still hanging on and that if he needed more time, he could take as long as he thought. Eli lied each time, assuring him he was fine, but still wasn’t ready to get back out there, then hung up and climbed back in bed. The older’s voice didn’t sound any better than his, although Eli admired how strong he had to force himself to be, if he had still been at the hospital all that time, handling everything.
Despite the entire mess, there was only one thing Eli was fine with and didn’t feel guilty for finding comfort in it. Kiseop had also died. Normally he’d be disgusted at himself for even daring to think about something like that, but he could sincerely state he didn’t feel bad about it at all. If he had somehow managed to survive and Kevin had been the only one to pass away, Eli would have made sure to find and kill him instead.
As he was looking outside at the busy streets of the city with a cup of steaming tea in his hands, scratching the wooden frame with his nails, he heard a knock on the door. It surprised him, since Alexander had just called half an hour before and wouldn’t have had any reasons to come over. He was definitely not expecting visitors, either.
Almost regretting not having taken a shower in so long and hoping whoever it was wouldn’t be repelled by his appearance, he got up and went to open.
There, barely standing on his feet, with his clothes almost tore apart and a few burns on his left arm, covered in dirt and wearing a drained expression on his face, was the most real illusion Eli had ever seen.
It was Kevin.
THE END
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Notes: To make things clear, Kevin had been the only survivor of the accident, although Kiseop and their driver did indeed die. He spent a few more years at the asylum, before recovering completely and being allowed to take part in the society again. He and Eli moved back to the States soon after, where they bought a new house and began a new life together. As for Alexander, he got promoted in the end to director of the hospital and continued living in Korea.
That’s pretty much it. Let me just say ‘Thank you’ for having patience with my updates and supporting, for reading, commenting and linking the story to others. It’s not a big thing, but I seriously really enjoyed writing this and if there are aspects that are still unclear, speak.
/siiiiigghhh
Fandom: U-KISS
Characters & Pairings: Elvin, Xander, OFC, other possible episodic characters
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Fluff, Humor, Drama
Summary: "Because the language confuses, like computers refuse to understand how I'm feeling today."
Eli is new to this world. Kevin makes him feel like home.
Disclaimer: The title belongs to English rock-band Muse, as well as the lyrics, extracted from their 2002 album entitled ”Hullabaloo”. I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with the named group, or any characters presented in this writing. No copyright infringement intended.
Read: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20
Month three. Day ten.
-part two-
Eli had been wandering the streets for hours, looking frantically in all directions, trying desperately to establish a connection between the world around him and what was actually happening, only to find how hard it was to keep his gaze focused on just one spot for more than a fraction of a second.
Without really knowing the direction he wanted to follow, he first headed straight to the nearest parking lot he had been to last time, hoping to find the same driver that helped him search for Kevin when he had run away more than a month before. Much to his disappointment, this time there weren’t any cabs waiting to pick someone up, though, so all Eli could do was to keep running down the boulevard, asking people along the way if they had seen two young boys that might have carried some luggage with them, but received the same negative answer each time. He knew they could have left hours before, probably when it was still dark outside and exited the city while most people walking on those streets then were still asleep at home, but couldn’t refrain himself from stopping every two passers-by, with an distraught expression on his face. That usually caused them to get scared of Eli and walk away hurriedly, even if he felt more hopeful with each question and more disillusioned with each answer.
He didn’t even know if he was giving the right description of them, since Kevin could have left without any baggage at all. As he stopped running, he sat on a nearby fence to catch his breath and took his phone out. He dialed Alexander’s number, then waited anxiously for him to pick up.
‘Where are you?’ he heard after a few seconds.
‘I’m not sure, about two miles from the hospital.’ Eli looked around.
‘Any news?’
‘I’ve just talked to the police, who told me they’ve last been seen in Cheongju about an hour and a half ago. Take the bus and go there.’ He talked fast.
‘Got it. Listen, did Kevin take his stuff with him?’
‘I guess so, his room seemed empty this morning. Although I have no idea in what he might be carrying his clothes.’
‘Alright. Keep me posted.’ Eli hung up, then lifted himself from the cold, metal bar and hightailed for the nearest bus station. As he kept walking, he couldn’t help but notice he was approaching his own house more and more.
Soon after his arrival, he checked the time table that was glued on the placard hung above the seats, then occupied a place and waited. According to the schedule, he had to wait fifteen more minutes before the next bus would arrive, then spend another twenty-five on the ride. He was losing precious time and he didn’t like it, but having no other option he jammed himself into one of the plastic chairs and eagerly awaited.
As he leered around, his mind metamorphosed itself from its previous blank state into an unsettling analyzing mode, aiding Eli into taking the entire situation logically for the first time since he had received the news.
He wasn’t sure how he felt. He was so hurting like he hadn’t been in a long time -or ever, for that matter-, because he felt as if the person he loved the most had suddenly died. He could feel Kevin was still alright, he had always possessed the capacity of somehow knowing if he was safe or not, even without being near him, but now it made no difference. Vanishing without a trace had been like taking a piece of Eli with him and it felt agonizingly painful.
Eli was mad and even that was an understatement. He had never been angry at Kevin before, simply because he could never really bring himself up to hating on someone for extended periods of time, regardless of what they did. Sure the two of them had fought a couple of times, but the usually-five-minutes-long quarrels had been insignificant and normally ended with a kiss. He was more than infuriated with Kiseop, though, and didn’t even want to calm himself down. He felt like he had to keep the anger intact for when he met him, so that when than moment came, he could let it all out like a torrent during a hurricane. This time, however, Eli didn’t know what he would do if he saw Kevin all of a sudden; he was so confused, he’d probably either drag him back to the hospital by force and then never speak to him again, or clasp him into an embrace so tight, the younger would feel as if the air in his lungs was pulled out of him.
Then again, would he really force Kevin back? The only reason Eli deciphered from his letter was that he had had enough of the setting he lived in, which the older understood. He knew that even with all the love Eli was giving him, it was probably still not enough, since he had felt like a prisoner all those years and longed to have freedom. The lack of independence had made his staying there a living hell and Eli was ready to support his decision - after all, he clearly remembered how, at some point, he had also wanted to run away with him, just to make him happy again.
But, regardless of how much he was trying to see things from his point of view, Eli couldn’t accept the fact that he had ran away with Kiseop. He couldn’t accept that Kevin had once rejected his offer, but when his past confidant came back, he ran into his arms without hesitation and didn’t even stop to consider the consequences he was so strong about. Out of all the people in the world, he had to pick the one Kevin knew Eli hated the most, crushing his feelings like they were insects. He told him he loved him, but had to express it in writing. He told him he didn’t have eyes for anybody but him, then took off with someone else.
The hatred he was feeling for Kiseop in that moment was insurmountable and Eli was pretty sure that no other emotion known by mankind could equal what he was going through. If Kiseop had been there that instant, Eli would have been capable of killing him with his bare hands and he wasn’t surprised to realize that. Even if Kevin did indeed run away with him because he chose to, he didn’t care. If it landed him in prison, he didn’t care. All he was hoping for was to find them as quickly as possible, so that he could somehow release his entire heap of feelings on him.
When the bus finally arrived, Eli was glad to notice it was half-empty and sat in the far back, cursing for the fact that the driver was going too slow. He had already lost valuable time with all the waiting and knew they were probably deviating farther and farther away with each passing minute.
He wasn’t even sure where exactly they were heading to. After checking Kiseop’s medical file many weeks before, Eli had found out that he had a permanent residence somewhere up north, near the border, but they were obviously not going to his house, since he was taking Kevin in the opposite direction. Eli didn’t know if he had any plans at all or if he had just decided to go with the flow and escape to wherever he thought others couldn’t find them, which scared him. He was only hoping that the fool knew how to take care of Kevin properly and that he’d be aware of the crucial attention he needed. With all the concerning, Eli was sure of one thing, though: if taking a cab ride to his house with Kevin had been such a burdensome task all those times, he couldn’t even conceive what all the driving around did to his boyfriend. And if Kiseop failed to take care of him, Eli would make sure he never saw the light of day again.
Boyfriend… that word didn’t sound right anymore. Were they still together? Eli didn’t want to think they weren’t, but the bitter reality was that Kevin had left him for someone else. Sure he didn’t have the guarantee he had already accepted Kiseop’s relationship request, but by the looks of it, he was planning to. And if that was the case, then maybe Kevin had indeed toyed with him all those months, probably waiting for the right opportunity to make a run for his own goal in life.
When the ride finally stopped, Eli got down with the speed of light and looked around disoriented. The place looked more like a train station than a bus one, with passengers running around frenziedly, shouts for relatives everywhere and ‘Welcome home!’ sings wherever he looked. It was like everybody knew what direction to head to and what courses to take next, except him. He went by a pillar, took his phone out again and dialed Alexander’s number. It only rang once before he answered.
‘Please tell me you’re doing better than the others.’ He spoke prompt.
‘Sorry to disappoint. I just arrived in Cheongju, where should I go next?’ Eli asked, staring at a woman who had trouble carrying her bags.
‘The police think they’re heading further south, although they haven’t been seen again since last time. They showed me a map and explained the possible course they have in mind, but I was too preoccupied to pay attention.’
‘Well, great. Should I take the highway or a train?’
‘Train, there’s usually traffic on the highway this hour of the day, not to mention trucks. But hey, at least you have an advantage.’
‘How come?’
‘You’re not being slowed down by luggage.’
‘They don’t have much to carry, either.’ Eli said, noticing how a woman had begun looking at him with curiosity. ‘I mean, I doubt he made Kevin bring much and to be honest, he didn’t even have that many things.’
‘Well go, before we lose even more time.’
After the line disconnected and Eli began walking towards the nearest taxi, the woman from earlier approached him and gently patted his arm. He turned around to look at her, as she cleared her throat and spoke. The smoke coming from the lit cigarette between her fingers bothered Eli to no extent, but he didn’t move away.
‘Excuse me,’ she began, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.’
That’s what they all say, Eli thought.
‘I was wondering if you were taking about the two boys that got off a few hours ago.’
‘You saw them?’ Eli asked surprised. ‘One of them was blonde and really thin, while the other was about an inch taller and had light-brown hair.’
She puffed into her cigar as he nodded, before letting out a trail of smoke right in Eli’s face.
‘Yes, yes, that’s it. You’re looking for them, right?’
‘I am. Did they arrive here long ago?’
Her brows furrowed in disorientation, as she made a thinking face and inhaled another gasp.
‘Two hours, give or take a few minutes. But I must say, the young one looked awfully sick.’ Eli’s heart almost sunk at that. ‘The other one was holding him, like he was about to collapse any second.’
‘Did you see where they went? Or did you hear what they were talking about?’ he questioned impatiently.
‘That way, into the city.’ She motioned with her chin somewhere behind him. ‘They weren’t talking as far as I could see, though.’
‘Thank you very much.’ Eli bowed his head quickly, before spinning around and exiting through the main gates in a hurry. He still wasn’t feeling like he had any support or base to work with whatsoever, but at least he had been given a direction and he was willing to follow it blindly.
Just as he reached a silver taxi and opened its door, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He made a sign to the driver to wait and answered.
‘Eli? Come back here immediately.’ Alexander voiced with on a somehow chocked tone.
‘What’s wrong?’ Eli glared ahead and narrowed his eyes.
‘Don’t ask questions and get back.’ He said, this time much more tense, like he was about to have a panic attack. Eli couldn’t figure out if he was crying or not.
‘Listen, are you sure? Did anybody find them? Because someone just told me she saw them some time ago and I was about to-’
‘For God’s sake, just get the hell back here and stop asking questions. You’ll see why.’ Alexander snapped, then hung up without adding anything else.
Eli stood there looking at his phone in dismay, while a hand was still resting on the open door of the cab. He excused himself to the driver, who sighed in annoyance, then shut the door closed and revolved back towards the gates of the station. The woman from earlier still hadn’t finished her cigar and was now gazing at him questioningly, but Eli didn’t stop to explain. He went by the panel posted at the entrance, checked for a bus that would take him back to Seoul and ran all the way to the other side of the parking range. He hoped in one of the white coaches waiting to depart and, twenty minutes later, he was on his way back to the asylum.
The ride felt like an eternity. Alexander’s startled voice scared him and he tried restraining himself from formulating the worst scenarios in his head. The fact that he hadn’t been given more details unsettled him and it was hard trying to make himself stop thinking about it. Eli wiggled his leg the entire time and couldn’t halt himself from drumming on the armrest with the tips of his fingernails, making those around him roll their eyes in exasperation. At least the driver was faster than the previous one.
Half an hour later, he shouldered his way through the mob as he got off, causing the passengers to remind him how disrespectful he was. He was pretty sure he heard an old man commenting about how young people these days forgot what respect truly meant, but began running towards the hospital without apologizing. He would have taken a cab, but he was also out of money and Eli had no other choice but to take deep breaths of air every few seconds and impede his legs from stopping.
The sight of the asylum’s tall, metal gates hadn’t felt like a bigger blessing for Eli than in that moment, as he entered into the empty yard and went straight for the double door. He flew up the stairs and found himself in front of Alexander’s office a few minutes later, just as a police officer was coming out. He didn’t seem to notice Eli, instead he was looking over some papers with a frown. The place had lost its agitation, although two doctors were talking with a low, whispered voice a few feet away.
He entered without knocking and was instantly greeted by Alexander’s brought down posture. He was sitting in his leather chair, leaned against the backrest with his fingers entwined in his lap, staring lifeless into space. His eyes were red and swollen, like he had been rubbing at them for too long and his shoulders were hunched down. He raised his gaze to Eli slowly, but his expression remained the same.
‘What happened?’ Eli asked, feeling a shiver running down his spine as he stared into that blank peer. ‘Why did you call me back?’
The older made a light sign with his head to sit down, but didn’t say anything. Eli felt like something terrible was about to hit him, similar to those tornado warnings he used to get back home. He waited for Alexander to say something, but it looked like he was having trouble formulating the sentence. In the end he took a deep breath and opened his mouth.
‘The policeman who just left made me write a declaration.’ He said miserably and Eli felt scared by his hoarse voice. ‘Like it matters anymore.’
‘What do you mean? What did he say?’ he shifted in his seat.
His superior kept his gaze on some invisible point on his desk, then continued speaking with a low, steady voice.
‘He told me his patrols managed to get an idea of where they might have gone and went after them. They found out that Kiseop had arranged with someone to drive them away further south, towards the coast, although no one had any idea what they were going to do from that point on.’
He sniffed his nose and made a brief pause before going on. Eli felt like he was about to explode.
‘They were on the main highway. The driver -the guy Kiseop knew- was going too fast. They’re not sure when it happened, but at some point he apparently lost control of the wheel.’ He stated with grief. Eli felt his heart racing, as he kept his eyes fixed on Alexander’s inanimate face.
‘They had an accident.’ He said simply after a while. ‘The car caught fire. The police haven’t figured out the details yet, because the whole thing is a mess and the bodies are deeply buried under the wrecks.’ He finished with a shaky voice.
A long silence followed. A car honked somewhere outside and a few nurses passed by the door, talking loudly. Alexander looked straight ahead, before analyzing Eli’s face, then gazed back down.
Eli was staring at him. He wasn’t blinking, he wasn’t moving, he was just watching him with such penetrating eyes, it was like he wasn’t opaque anymore and he was looking right through him. He felt sweat covering his back and shook his head. Once, twice, a couple more times until he stopped and his hands and legs began trembling. He still wasn’t breathing heavily, although he knew his heart was speeding and felt his stomach go all the way up his throat. He swallowed hard, as it seemed like the room around him was slowly disappearing and actually noticed Alexander had been there for the past few minutes. The older was still taking turns in looking at him, then at his desk, waiting for a reaction.
Eli’s eyes stung, then felt a tear tickling his cheek. He brought his hand up and swept it off, before sensing the other one turning wet as well. He hadn’t realized he had started crying, as he started rubbing furiously at his cheeks until they hurt and turned red. He still couldn’t grasp the information, didn’t want to understand and refused to believe it was true.
Of course it wasn’t true, he thought. Of course it was just a misunderstanding and things were going to be fine soon. They had to be, because anything involving Kevin was too good to have a bad ending. Kevin was out there. Probably tired and wandering the streets, but out there. He was regretting having left and was now thinking of a way back to Eli, because they belonged together and he loved him too much to let go like that. Eli just had to be patient and wait for another police official to come in and announce that they had made a mistake and Kevin had been found and they were now bringing him back. He just had to wait because there wasn’t any other way.
There wasn’t, really.
He slowly got up from his chair and went by the window, wiping another tear along the way. He looked outside, then back at Alexander, who had been watching him wordlessly the entire time. The older was now supposed to say it was a joke. Or that he had misheard the officer and all they had to do was wait for the right outcome. He stared at him expectantly, knowing he must say it sooner or later. He looked and looked, until seconds turned into minutes and minutes seemed to stretch without ending. Alexander glared back, eyes dark and indecipherable.
When he finally understood what was the signal Eli was waiting for and shook his head in sorrow, the younger broke apart.
He let out a deep sob and slid against the wall, before bursting out in an uncontrollable cry. To say it was the worst possible feeling was far from stating the truth and the cutting pain inside his chest tightened to such degree, it made it almost unbearably hard to breathe. He brought his knees up and rested his chin on them, as his fingers gripped his hair firmly. He began calling Kevin’s name over and over again, as he was trying not to pass out. When everything became too horrific for him to handle, it hit him.
Kevin was dead.
He would never see him again, he would never hear him laugh and he could never hold him in his arms for the rest of his life. Kevin was no more. Kevin was nothing but a bundle of burned flesh and crushed bones, somewhere on a desolated highway.
Eli didn’t know how to act or think as he looked around the room in terror. He didn’t know what to feel or what to do with his hands, wasn’t sure how much painful it was going to get over the course of the next hours and how he was going to cope with everything. He felt like someone came and ripped him apart in numerous, uneven pieces. The worst part was that he was crying so hard he soon became nauseous and, before he could refrain himself, he grabbed the trashcan nearby and puked. He didn’t even know what he was throwing up, since he hadn’t eaten anything for the past twelve hours, but felt as if he was unable to stop.
Alexander immediately got up and helped him rise on his feet, then guided him out of the office and towards the nearest bathroom. He locked the door behind them and aided him in washing his face, then cleaned up the mess on his shirt with some damp paper towels and made him rest against the cold wall. Eli wasn’t feeling better, although he motioned a fainted ‘Thanks’ with his head and fluttered his eyelashes a few times, before closing his eyes completely for the next minutes. When he opened them, Alexander was looking at him with concern on his face.
He let Eli lay there, as he held him soothingly and allowed him to cry even more in his shoulder. He was trying implausibly hard not to burst out in tears himself and attempted saying something calming a few times, before realizing there was nothing he could add to make the situation less painful.
‘Come on.’ He whispered after a while, emboldening Eli to get up. ‘Listen, go home and try to rest. Eat something. Take a few days off and come back when you feel ready. I’ll take care of the committee and explain the situation to them. I’ll call you later, okay?’
Eli nodded and hugged him, before heading towards the locker room to grab his things.
On his way out he passed in front of Kevin’s room.
The door was closed.
**
The routine Eli had fallen into for the next few days numbed all of his pain.
He was sleeping more than he had ever slept in his life, out of the sole reason that he was tired and drained of energy any time of the day. He hadn’t eaten anything for the first twenty-four hours after arriving home, but quickly after, his stomach started cramping to a severe degree and forced Eli to munch on some bread and drink lots of water. Then he’d get back in bed and force his eyes shut, in a desperate attempt to keep reality away. He would always wake up with a startle, after having dreamed all sorts of scenarios that involved Kevin’s car crash and the last moments of his life.
He’d kick himself each time for imagining the worst and most painful scenes, as they involuntarily played in his head over and over again. He had soon lost count of the number of sleeping pills he swallowed and the hours spent on gazing blankly outside the window.
He was disgusted with himself, as the only use of the bathroom he had been acquainted with was the usage of the toilet. He hadn’t touched the shower, or his toothbrush ever since locking himself inside his house, but didn’t even feel the need to. Everything was so disorganized -the wrinkled bed sheets, the dusty furniture, the pieces of garbage disposed at random places on the floor- that it looked like a storm had swept the entire house and nobody bothered to clean up after it. What was the point of tidying anymore, Eli asked himself. It wasn’t like he had someone to invite over.
Alexander had called several times, asking if he was feeding himself properly and if he was keeping the windows open, to let fresh air sip in. He’d then question, on a more motherly tone, if he was still hanging on and that if he needed more time, he could take as long as he thought. Eli lied each time, assuring him he was fine, but still wasn’t ready to get back out there, then hung up and climbed back in bed. The older’s voice didn’t sound any better than his, although Eli admired how strong he had to force himself to be, if he had still been at the hospital all that time, handling everything.
Despite the entire mess, there was only one thing Eli was fine with and didn’t feel guilty for finding comfort in it. Kiseop had also died. Normally he’d be disgusted at himself for even daring to think about something like that, but he could sincerely state he didn’t feel bad about it at all. If he had somehow managed to survive and Kevin had been the only one to pass away, Eli would have made sure to find and kill him instead.
As he was looking outside at the busy streets of the city with a cup of steaming tea in his hands, scratching the wooden frame with his nails, he heard a knock on the door. It surprised him, since Alexander had just called half an hour before and wouldn’t have had any reasons to come over. He was definitely not expecting visitors, either.
Almost regretting not having taken a shower in so long and hoping whoever it was wouldn’t be repelled by his appearance, he got up and went to open.
There, barely standing on his feet, with his clothes almost tore apart and a few burns on his left arm, covered in dirt and wearing a drained expression on his face, was the most real illusion Eli had ever seen.
It was Kevin.
THE END
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Notes: To make things clear, Kevin had been the only survivor of the accident, although Kiseop and their driver did indeed die. He spent a few more years at the asylum, before recovering completely and being allowed to take part in the society again. He and Eli moved back to the States soon after, where they bought a new house and began a new life together. As for Alexander, he got promoted in the end to director of the hospital and continued living in Korea.
That’s pretty much it. Let me just say ‘Thank you’ for having patience with my updates and supporting, for reading, commenting and linking the story to others. It’s not a big thing, but I seriously really enjoyed writing this and if there are aspects that are still unclear, speak.
/siiiiigghhh