The art of distortion
Fandom: U-KISS
Pairing: Elvin
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Kevin finds telling the truth difficult.
2,739 words
It was okay when Eli sat next to him, because there was no sweat. It was relatively alright when they accidentally touched, or when they would bump against each other on the way to the bathroom, because not a single drop would be wasted. But then Eli flashed his perfect smile at him and Kevin would feel like he had just come out of a pool, or underwent torrential rain, since his smile always had this whirl-like effect on his mind and made him imagine scenarios that would never occur in real life.
It had been like that for as long as Kevin can remember, since they had first been grouped together and forced to engage in small talk. He immediately noticed how Eli had that certain secure way of being, how despite the awkwardness floating between them, he was still capable of pulling a joke and make everyone around him laugh. He wasn’t bothered by the fact that his Korean was poor and didn’t seem to care that he could barely understand less than a few phrases, because no matter the uncomfortable situation he’d be in, he could somehow slide out of it like a fish in the water and turn the tables in his favor. Kevin noticed he gesticulated with his hands a lot and liked wearing specific-American clothing, which gave him an air of not belonging and made him stand out. It was like from the beginning, without even trying, Eli knew how to establish his role of a trendsetter and still keeps that title nowadays.
While the others began conversing in all languages possible and tried knowing each other better, Kevin blurted out -before he could stop himself- a casual lunch invitation to Eli, who, despite being visibly surprised at first, accepted without adding much thought to it. They managed to bond inexplicably fast, simply because they could use their own mother tongue and not some incomprehensible language they barely had the grip on. They talked for hours about how much they missed home, with its busy streets and skyscrapers, while munching on their sandwiches and making fun of the weird English accents Asians had. They were the only ones laughing loudly in the café, albeit those around gave them stern looks.
Soon enough, their small (and at the beginning meaningless) conversations turned into proper hangouts, with them chatting the day away when they weren’t practicing, while their band mates were either uninvited, or turned down whenever they wanted to join in. It wasn’t like they didn’t all get along, because it was a commonly know fact how much Eli enjoyed working out with Soohyun, for endless sessions at the gym, or how Kevin liked joking around with Kibum and getting into one of their artificial fights. But the others knew that they should leave the duo alone when they saw them together, because they seemed to enjoy each other’s company too much to just interfere and ruin everything.
It had always been like that, with the two of them acting and thinking like one and looking back, Kevin wouldn’t even dream of changing a thing. He trusted Eli with all of his secrets and confided in him with all of his quirks, even if sometimes the older didn’t really know how to open up. He wasn’t irked by the fact that Eli mostly kept it to himself, but wished he would let him be a bigger part of his life. After all, they were always relying on each other for comfort and moral support, one of them always making sure to pick up the pieces when the other was breaking down, offering a soothing word and encouraging smile whenever a performance didn’t exactly go as planned and just being there, ready to partake and endure the same hardships, the same joys and the same air.
Oftentimes they shared a bed and Soohyun had complained many times of how he had to be kicked out of his own room late at night (he had shared it with Eli in the beginning, but the arrangements quickly changed after a few months), so that Kevin could overtake his spot and make himself comfortable beside Eli, snuggling into him until the older began complaining of how warm he was and how he was making him too hot. At some point, he also mentioned something about blankets being colder than him, yet still, he never drove Kevin away and allowed all of his little sleep knacks, like twisting several times until he got the covers all to himself, or going to the bathroom too many times.
When Eli asked him about his constant desire of sleeping together, Kevin lied and said that his bed was far too uncomfortable and the mattress was way too hard for him to rest on, even if that was far from stating the truth. He had am indescribable fascination with watching Eli’s face up close and liked following all those lines around his eyes and all the curves around his mouth, that seemed to know how to create the flawless shapes. He was well aware he wouldn’t be allowed to examine him this thoroughly otherwise, so he took all the advantage he could during the night, even if he couldn’t distinguish much in the dark.
Another reason for distorting the truth was the feeling of warmth and closeness he gained amid their nights together. The feeling of Eli’s breath on his neck and the sensation driven from the tender embraces were enough for Kevin to make him want more, to wish for those hours to last longer and for the days to end faster.
But he couldn’t tell all of those to Eli, he couldn’t confess the avalanche of mixed feelings that was going on inside him whenever they were that close, because they were band mates and best friends before they could be anything else, and everything seemed so right and felt so good each time that Kevin couldn’t break things apart so easily.
By then, the others had gotten used to their quaint little habits of eating side by side, sharing one bottle of water, or even sitting together in the back of the van each time their manager drove them around to performances. Their actions screamed they were glued to one another, but that didn’t seem to bother anybody, as they appeared so carefree in a common universe that only belonged to them. They even left the seats empty on purpose, because they knew that sooner or later they would show up tugging on each other’s sleeve, pushing playfully from behind, or dragging by the hood of their jackets. Then they would occupy the places that were furthest in the back and speak during the entire ride, until whoever was driving had to turn on the radio to cover their blaring laughs.
They never established that particular placing intentionally. One day everybody was in such a rush, that each of them sat wherever there was a free spot and waited for their manager to take off. Kevin was the last to arrive and he noted Eli sitting all by himself in the back and, despite he could have taken any vacant seat near Dongho or Kibum, he decided not to leave Eli alone and joined him without hesitation. He kept the placement ever since.
When they weren’t talking so loudly that they could have woken up the dead and make them all commit suicide, Kevin would fall asleep with his head rested on Eli’s chest and a hand on his stomach. Eli’s entire body went numb each time he would doze off like that, but curiously enough, he never uttered a sound about it. Kevin knew how cramped it might have felt, but didn’t dare to bring it up, afraid the older would admit and they’d have to cease. Their band mates never noticed, but Kevin always hurled himself on Eli’s left side and frantically refused to sit on the other one. When Eli asked him why, he shifted uneasily and said that he enjoyed listening to his heartbeat, as it had a tranquilizing rhythm and it helped him fall asleep faster. Eli smirked all-knowingly at that remark, but didn’t add anything else, which made the younger freak out even more and assure him there was no secret meaning or reason behind it. When he was young, he had a nightstand clock that would tick annoyingly even when it was broken and, even though his sister tried getting rid of it on several occasions, Kevin would save it each time and keep it to aid him rest better.
Of course that was a lie, just like the other dozens of lies he had conveyed on so many occurrences. Not few times had he used the excuse of little space within the van to rest his hand on Eli’s leg, to snuggle deeper into him, or to let himself be embraced by his strong, protective arms.
All of these gradually piled up, to the point in which Kevin had to ask himself what his relationship with Eli really consisted of. It made him have doubts about their friendship and his true feelings, it made him agonize over the thought that he might have fallen for him a long time ago, without even realizing. He didn’t have a clue when it all started, when his heart took over his body and impeded his brain to think logical. And if he was indeed right, there was nothing he could do about it, because that would have meant risking his entire career.
There were times when he truly believed he was just trying too hard - trying to open Eli’s eyes, to make him realize how much he longed to hold him without fear of being judged, how he deeply wished to love him like no one ever had before and no one ever will. He wanted to shout to the world and let the echo travel a hundred miles, before it returned to him with a solution to his chaos.
Then again, Kevin could barely think straight around Eli, let alone come up with a coherent answer to his unending chain of questions.
Maybe Eli did in fact conceived his behavior, but he simply refused to respond to it. After all, he knew how much he had to endure before being allowed to debut and he wasn’t going to throw away all those years of burden on something that didn’t even seem right. Perhaps he was deliberately acting oblivious, to give Kevin a signal that he should back off before both of them would commit the biggest mistake of their lives.
Kevin was almost reassured of this, after a brief discussion he had with Kibum, one late evening on an empty corridor inside their company’s building. Much to his surprise, Kibum asked him directly about his feelings towards Eli, but tried his best to remain as diplomatic as possible and discharged any sign of accusation from his voice. Albeit he received it as if the ceiling had crashed upon him and felt his knees go weak, Kevin denied it like he had been in the lying business for years and Kibum seemed fairly convinced.
It made him wonder, though, if he had been that obvious all that time.
Because if he had indeed, that meant Eli must have also caught on and rejected the idea of playing along. It was a clear sign that he didn’t approve of them being like this and wouldn’t do anything to support it.
Eli wasn’t always indifferent to him or his actions, though. He often hugged him when Kevin least expected it, squeezing from behind when they had to wake up early, as a morning greeting. He liked blowing air in his ear, because he knew how much Kevin hated it and how he would squirm with a high-pitched sound. Whenever the group had a day off, they indulged in squatting around the living room to watch movies and Eli never let anybody occupy the place near him, because he knew it was destined for Kevin. The younger would then rest his head either on his shoulder, or in his lap and let himself be caressed on his hair by steady and bland hand strokes. The others made fun of it at first and called them names, but they soon got so used to it that it quickly became perfectly normal.
What added to Kevin’s confusion was that sometimes Eli acted more than just friendly to him. When the younger started a fight with Soohyun -which was really a rare thing to see, since they usually got along like puzzle pieces- Eli stood up and placed himself between the two, trying to convince Soohyun that it wasn’t Kevin’s fault for whatever happened. He sat there, watching Eli raging at his friend for minutes, looking like he was about to punch him in the face at any given time. Before leaving the room in a rush, he warned Soohyun to choose his words carefully next time, otherwise it might end up bad for both of them. Later that evening, when Kevin asked him about the reason behind his defending, Eli plainly stated that he had to do it, since he couldn’t stand watching his loved ones being treated like dirt.
That was the episode that made Kevin wonder if Eli liked pushing things one step further each time, just for the heck of it, if he did enjoy playing with his feelings to the point in which there would be nothing left of Kevin but a puddle of emotional mess.
If he started playing with his fingers, simply out of boredom or distraction, Eli took his entire hand into his own and held it like that until both of their palms became sweaty. If he was tired after practice and felt the need to lean on someone, Eli would be there to offer him a long, mild hug and didn’t let go until Kevin asked to - he secretly regretted interrupting the embraces each time, but knew there should be a limit to everything. If he wanted to be alone, Eli would respect his wish and leave the room, but Kevin knew he always quietly stood by, in case he changed his mind and sought comfort. It was just the way things were and neither of them wanted to end any of it, even if Kevin had always felt like there was an unspoken something between them, something Eli was also aware of but wasn’t ready to accept.
Sometimes he doubtlessly believed that the older was toying with him on purpose, that he enjoyed teasing him until his inner self would explode with fireworks. Then he imagined him sitting back, watching the display of colors with amusement, while thinking of new, torturing ways to distort his essence. He liked experimenting on him the same way a scientist did research on lab rats.
That was probably because Eli was the only person who knew how to enter directly into Kevin’s soul without even struggling, like he had broken the password years ago and now hacked him on a daily basis. He knew to explore and unveil every little corner and detail of his most well-kept box of emotions and took full advantage of it. He made Kevin realize certain things about him that he wasn’t even aware about himself, which was a frightening thought.
Whenever a girl flirted with Kevin, (and there had been many cases, since meeting new people everyday was inevitable to them) he would quickly make her understand he wasn’t interested, even if some of them didn’t lack neither looks, nor brain. It was as if his inner self functioned like an automated machine, sorting and refusing close contact. Examining and rejecting any attempt at getting to know people better. Maybe it was because he had gotten so used to having Eli around, so accustomed with his constant presence that others seemed highly unnecessary.
He didn’t know what to believe anymore. He didn’t know if he would ever muster up the courage to tell Eli everything, to yell how much he loved him out loud, to be the one for him.
But they were still young and many things awaited ahead. And, who knows, maybe one day in the near future, Kevin will be able to proudly state that he has the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world.
Pairing: Elvin
Rating: G
Genre: Angst, Romance
Summary: Kevin finds telling the truth difficult.
2,739 words
It was okay when Eli sat next to him, because there was no sweat. It was relatively alright when they accidentally touched, or when they would bump against each other on the way to the bathroom, because not a single drop would be wasted. But then Eli flashed his perfect smile at him and Kevin would feel like he had just come out of a pool, or underwent torrential rain, since his smile always had this whirl-like effect on his mind and made him imagine scenarios that would never occur in real life.
It had been like that for as long as Kevin can remember, since they had first been grouped together and forced to engage in small talk. He immediately noticed how Eli had that certain secure way of being, how despite the awkwardness floating between them, he was still capable of pulling a joke and make everyone around him laugh. He wasn’t bothered by the fact that his Korean was poor and didn’t seem to care that he could barely understand less than a few phrases, because no matter the uncomfortable situation he’d be in, he could somehow slide out of it like a fish in the water and turn the tables in his favor. Kevin noticed he gesticulated with his hands a lot and liked wearing specific-American clothing, which gave him an air of not belonging and made him stand out. It was like from the beginning, without even trying, Eli knew how to establish his role of a trendsetter and still keeps that title nowadays.
While the others began conversing in all languages possible and tried knowing each other better, Kevin blurted out -before he could stop himself- a casual lunch invitation to Eli, who, despite being visibly surprised at first, accepted without adding much thought to it. They managed to bond inexplicably fast, simply because they could use their own mother tongue and not some incomprehensible language they barely had the grip on. They talked for hours about how much they missed home, with its busy streets and skyscrapers, while munching on their sandwiches and making fun of the weird English accents Asians had. They were the only ones laughing loudly in the café, albeit those around gave them stern looks.
Soon enough, their small (and at the beginning meaningless) conversations turned into proper hangouts, with them chatting the day away when they weren’t practicing, while their band mates were either uninvited, or turned down whenever they wanted to join in. It wasn’t like they didn’t all get along, because it was a commonly know fact how much Eli enjoyed working out with Soohyun, for endless sessions at the gym, or how Kevin liked joking around with Kibum and getting into one of their artificial fights. But the others knew that they should leave the duo alone when they saw them together, because they seemed to enjoy each other’s company too much to just interfere and ruin everything.
It had always been like that, with the two of them acting and thinking like one and looking back, Kevin wouldn’t even dream of changing a thing. He trusted Eli with all of his secrets and confided in him with all of his quirks, even if sometimes the older didn’t really know how to open up. He wasn’t irked by the fact that Eli mostly kept it to himself, but wished he would let him be a bigger part of his life. After all, they were always relying on each other for comfort and moral support, one of them always making sure to pick up the pieces when the other was breaking down, offering a soothing word and encouraging smile whenever a performance didn’t exactly go as planned and just being there, ready to partake and endure the same hardships, the same joys and the same air.
Oftentimes they shared a bed and Soohyun had complained many times of how he had to be kicked out of his own room late at night (he had shared it with Eli in the beginning, but the arrangements quickly changed after a few months), so that Kevin could overtake his spot and make himself comfortable beside Eli, snuggling into him until the older began complaining of how warm he was and how he was making him too hot. At some point, he also mentioned something about blankets being colder than him, yet still, he never drove Kevin away and allowed all of his little sleep knacks, like twisting several times until he got the covers all to himself, or going to the bathroom too many times.
When Eli asked him about his constant desire of sleeping together, Kevin lied and said that his bed was far too uncomfortable and the mattress was way too hard for him to rest on, even if that was far from stating the truth. He had am indescribable fascination with watching Eli’s face up close and liked following all those lines around his eyes and all the curves around his mouth, that seemed to know how to create the flawless shapes. He was well aware he wouldn’t be allowed to examine him this thoroughly otherwise, so he took all the advantage he could during the night, even if he couldn’t distinguish much in the dark.
Another reason for distorting the truth was the feeling of warmth and closeness he gained amid their nights together. The feeling of Eli’s breath on his neck and the sensation driven from the tender embraces were enough for Kevin to make him want more, to wish for those hours to last longer and for the days to end faster.
But he couldn’t tell all of those to Eli, he couldn’t confess the avalanche of mixed feelings that was going on inside him whenever they were that close, because they were band mates and best friends before they could be anything else, and everything seemed so right and felt so good each time that Kevin couldn’t break things apart so easily.
By then, the others had gotten used to their quaint little habits of eating side by side, sharing one bottle of water, or even sitting together in the back of the van each time their manager drove them around to performances. Their actions screamed they were glued to one another, but that didn’t seem to bother anybody, as they appeared so carefree in a common universe that only belonged to them. They even left the seats empty on purpose, because they knew that sooner or later they would show up tugging on each other’s sleeve, pushing playfully from behind, or dragging by the hood of their jackets. Then they would occupy the places that were furthest in the back and speak during the entire ride, until whoever was driving had to turn on the radio to cover their blaring laughs.
They never established that particular placing intentionally. One day everybody was in such a rush, that each of them sat wherever there was a free spot and waited for their manager to take off. Kevin was the last to arrive and he noted Eli sitting all by himself in the back and, despite he could have taken any vacant seat near Dongho or Kibum, he decided not to leave Eli alone and joined him without hesitation. He kept the placement ever since.
When they weren’t talking so loudly that they could have woken up the dead and make them all commit suicide, Kevin would fall asleep with his head rested on Eli’s chest and a hand on his stomach. Eli’s entire body went numb each time he would doze off like that, but curiously enough, he never uttered a sound about it. Kevin knew how cramped it might have felt, but didn’t dare to bring it up, afraid the older would admit and they’d have to cease. Their band mates never noticed, but Kevin always hurled himself on Eli’s left side and frantically refused to sit on the other one. When Eli asked him why, he shifted uneasily and said that he enjoyed listening to his heartbeat, as it had a tranquilizing rhythm and it helped him fall asleep faster. Eli smirked all-knowingly at that remark, but didn’t add anything else, which made the younger freak out even more and assure him there was no secret meaning or reason behind it. When he was young, he had a nightstand clock that would tick annoyingly even when it was broken and, even though his sister tried getting rid of it on several occasions, Kevin would save it each time and keep it to aid him rest better.
Of course that was a lie, just like the other dozens of lies he had conveyed on so many occurrences. Not few times had he used the excuse of little space within the van to rest his hand on Eli’s leg, to snuggle deeper into him, or to let himself be embraced by his strong, protective arms.
All of these gradually piled up, to the point in which Kevin had to ask himself what his relationship with Eli really consisted of. It made him have doubts about their friendship and his true feelings, it made him agonize over the thought that he might have fallen for him a long time ago, without even realizing. He didn’t have a clue when it all started, when his heart took over his body and impeded his brain to think logical. And if he was indeed right, there was nothing he could do about it, because that would have meant risking his entire career.
There were times when he truly believed he was just trying too hard - trying to open Eli’s eyes, to make him realize how much he longed to hold him without fear of being judged, how he deeply wished to love him like no one ever had before and no one ever will. He wanted to shout to the world and let the echo travel a hundred miles, before it returned to him with a solution to his chaos.
Then again, Kevin could barely think straight around Eli, let alone come up with a coherent answer to his unending chain of questions.
Maybe Eli did in fact conceived his behavior, but he simply refused to respond to it. After all, he knew how much he had to endure before being allowed to debut and he wasn’t going to throw away all those years of burden on something that didn’t even seem right. Perhaps he was deliberately acting oblivious, to give Kevin a signal that he should back off before both of them would commit the biggest mistake of their lives.
Kevin was almost reassured of this, after a brief discussion he had with Kibum, one late evening on an empty corridor inside their company’s building. Much to his surprise, Kibum asked him directly about his feelings towards Eli, but tried his best to remain as diplomatic as possible and discharged any sign of accusation from his voice. Albeit he received it as if the ceiling had crashed upon him and felt his knees go weak, Kevin denied it like he had been in the lying business for years and Kibum seemed fairly convinced.
It made him wonder, though, if he had been that obvious all that time.
Because if he had indeed, that meant Eli must have also caught on and rejected the idea of playing along. It was a clear sign that he didn’t approve of them being like this and wouldn’t do anything to support it.
Eli wasn’t always indifferent to him or his actions, though. He often hugged him when Kevin least expected it, squeezing from behind when they had to wake up early, as a morning greeting. He liked blowing air in his ear, because he knew how much Kevin hated it and how he would squirm with a high-pitched sound. Whenever the group had a day off, they indulged in squatting around the living room to watch movies and Eli never let anybody occupy the place near him, because he knew it was destined for Kevin. The younger would then rest his head either on his shoulder, or in his lap and let himself be caressed on his hair by steady and bland hand strokes. The others made fun of it at first and called them names, but they soon got so used to it that it quickly became perfectly normal.
What added to Kevin’s confusion was that sometimes Eli acted more than just friendly to him. When the younger started a fight with Soohyun -which was really a rare thing to see, since they usually got along like puzzle pieces- Eli stood up and placed himself between the two, trying to convince Soohyun that it wasn’t Kevin’s fault for whatever happened. He sat there, watching Eli raging at his friend for minutes, looking like he was about to punch him in the face at any given time. Before leaving the room in a rush, he warned Soohyun to choose his words carefully next time, otherwise it might end up bad for both of them. Later that evening, when Kevin asked him about the reason behind his defending, Eli plainly stated that he had to do it, since he couldn’t stand watching his loved ones being treated like dirt.
That was the episode that made Kevin wonder if Eli liked pushing things one step further each time, just for the heck of it, if he did enjoy playing with his feelings to the point in which there would be nothing left of Kevin but a puddle of emotional mess.
If he started playing with his fingers, simply out of boredom or distraction, Eli took his entire hand into his own and held it like that until both of their palms became sweaty. If he was tired after practice and felt the need to lean on someone, Eli would be there to offer him a long, mild hug and didn’t let go until Kevin asked to - he secretly regretted interrupting the embraces each time, but knew there should be a limit to everything. If he wanted to be alone, Eli would respect his wish and leave the room, but Kevin knew he always quietly stood by, in case he changed his mind and sought comfort. It was just the way things were and neither of them wanted to end any of it, even if Kevin had always felt like there was an unspoken something between them, something Eli was also aware of but wasn’t ready to accept.
Sometimes he doubtlessly believed that the older was toying with him on purpose, that he enjoyed teasing him until his inner self would explode with fireworks. Then he imagined him sitting back, watching the display of colors with amusement, while thinking of new, torturing ways to distort his essence. He liked experimenting on him the same way a scientist did research on lab rats.
That was probably because Eli was the only person who knew how to enter directly into Kevin’s soul without even struggling, like he had broken the password years ago and now hacked him on a daily basis. He knew to explore and unveil every little corner and detail of his most well-kept box of emotions and took full advantage of it. He made Kevin realize certain things about him that he wasn’t even aware about himself, which was a frightening thought.
Whenever a girl flirted with Kevin, (and there had been many cases, since meeting new people everyday was inevitable to them) he would quickly make her understand he wasn’t interested, even if some of them didn’t lack neither looks, nor brain. It was as if his inner self functioned like an automated machine, sorting and refusing close contact. Examining and rejecting any attempt at getting to know people better. Maybe it was because he had gotten so used to having Eli around, so accustomed with his constant presence that others seemed highly unnecessary.
He didn’t know what to believe anymore. He didn’t know if he would ever muster up the courage to tell Eli everything, to yell how much he loved him out loud, to be the one for him.
But they were still young and many things awaited ahead. And, who knows, maybe one day in the near future, Kevin will be able to proudly state that he has the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world.