Beautiful Lie [to Believe in] | 21/24 | AoixRuki, UruhaxRuki
Title: Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter: 21/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I kept on torturing you with these updates XD
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Takanori's worst nightmare (finally) comes true.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 21
There was a euphoria I felt this morning that drove me to do stuff I wouldn’t normally approve myself doing, especially not on a school day like today. Opening my eyes I found my heart beating a little harder than usual, and when I saw Yuu’s face in front of me I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him-and I did. Without a second thought I slid closer and leaned down to kiss him. Being a light sleeper, Yuu woke up with a start as soon as I pressed my lips on his but if he was upset because I woke him up, he never showed it. Instead he responded to the kiss and wound his arms around me. In the end we were making out in bed despite the time and it was wholly my fault.
Yuu asked what the hell had gotten into me when we got into his car. He was confused, but also clearly amused. I had never been the kind of person that liked to initiate any sort of intimacy in the morning, not to mention on a school day like today.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Ever since we got home from the hospital last night my heart felt like it was going to burst-but in a good way. And I’ve been having this… what is it called? This urge that keeps driving me to do crazy things I would never even think of doing at some other times.”
“I see,” Yuu smiled and proceeded to put his hands on the wheel.
It’s odd that he seemed like he actually understood what I meant while I myself had no idea what I was talking about. On the way over to school I contemplated where this sudden glee had come from, and finally concluded that it was all thanks to the rendezvous I had with Mom last night. Of course I should be happy and maybe even feel a little bit delirious; it had been so long that I had been waiting for the day when Mom would see me like her son instead of a burden she needed to carry.
It made a lot of sense to me now. But along with the understanding came a disturbing thought. This euphoria couldn’t possibly last forever could it? Like people said, life is like a wheel; sometimes you’re on top where everything is nice and pleasant, but inevitably some other times you’re on the bottom where everything is awful and unbearable. It is only natural that good and bad things come in successions in one’s life.
Did that mean I needed to get ready to face something bad soon?
I didn’t have the time to think about it any further because all of a sudden we had already reached the curb where Yuu used to drop me-it’s a habit of ours; I would always get off the car at this curb and continued my way to school by foot. I didn’t want any of the students or teachers to notice us together. There would definitely be questions and I just didn’t have the intention or willpower to answer them. Not to mention there was Uruha and Mitsui to worry about…
Shrugging off the thought before it went any further, I leaned over and kissed Yuu’s lips. It was only when I pulled back that I realized what I had done. There was a shocked expression on Yuu’s face-an expression that I knew was etched on my own face. What did I just do? This too must have been because of this silly euphoria I felt in me because normally I would never have done something this rash and spontaneous. My face felt like it was on fire when I rushed out of the car. I’m sure Yuu was grinning, watching me from inside the car as I dashed off towards school, but my pride didn’t let me look back and check.
The bell had already rung when I reached my class but from what I could see the teacher hadn’t shown up yet. I walked in a rush, strutting toward my seat. I sat down and struggled to regain my breath; I never liked sports of any kind, so running all the way from the streets to the second floor and into my class had been a little too much for my lungs to handle. It was only when my vision stopped spinning that the uncomfortable realization that I was being watched sank in. I lifted my gaze from the table to the rest of the room and soon found that my instincts were accurate. Some kids were averting their gazes when I looked at them, but I couldn’t have been mistaken. What was more unnerving was the sight of a group of girls on the corner of the room whispering to one another while sparing a glance or two at me.
What the hell…?
I wasn’t the sort of kid who used to draw attention at school. In fact, nobody really noticed me except a few, and I had always liked it that way. I always found it uncomfortable being the center of people’s attention. I hated any task that required me to stand in front of the class and do something. I didn’t like art classes because sometimes the teacher asked us to perform or sing in front of everyone; most of the times I ended up embarrassing myself. Straining what little confidence that I had was nearly impossible for me to do so I would like to stay away from any situation that might put me in that position.
So that’s why I became very self-conscious whenever someone or a bunch of people were looking at me-like right now.
I felt my nerves become tense; I tried to sink into my chair or act invisible. I was usually good at it but right now it didn’t seem to be working too well. They were still staring at me, whispering behind my back.
What is going on here? Do I have something on my face? Or is there something wrong with my clothes?
It would have been so much easier to deal with had it only been a speck on my face or a wayward thread coming out of my shirt. But this fear that was rising up in me told me it was nothing like that; it had nothing to do with my appearance this morning. The ugly thoughts that had plagued my brain earlier when I was in Yuu’s car came rushing back to me, like a hunch that told me that something really bad was going to happen.
I didn’t know what made me look over my shoulder, but once I did, my worries grew even greater. Across the room, Mitsui Aki was staring at me; her expression was as unreadable as ever. She had her cellphone in her hands acting as if it was the most normal thing anyone would do in the morning, but I knew exactly what the gesture meant.
Confirming my anxiety, our English teacher walked in and stood in front of the class. He wasted no time greeting the class but went straight to addressing my name. “Matsumoto Takanori,” he said, an uncomfortable look gracing his face. “Headmaster wants to see you right now in his office. You are excused from my class.”
===
It felt like my worst nightmare coming true. No, it felt worse than that. It felt like the world that I knew was coming to an end, crumbling from the inside out, and I was actually walking straight to the core of it. Every step I took was heavy, as if my feet had turned to iron; every beat of my heart seemed like it was the last, hurting my chest every time I drew in a breath. My skin was prickling with the realization that in every class that I walked past, every kid had their eyes on me, following my every movement. I heard faint whisperings; my name came in between the words “disgusting” and “shocking”.
It was horrible, and all I wanted was to run-run as fast as I could and leave this place behind. I wanted to be somewhere far and safe; somewhere I didn’t have to worry about people looking at me, judging me for things I had done. But something inside me told me I couldn’t do that; I had to deal with the consequences of my own doing before I could start thinking about making my way out of here. With that in mind, I fought to ignore those eyes and those gossiping mouths. Lowering my head, I sped up my pace.
The faster I get this over with, the better.
The door to the Headmaster’s office loomed before me, dark and menacing. I couldn’t help but think that behind this door lay the doom that would end my life, waiting for me to step in and walk right into its trap. It took every ounce of willpower that I had just to raise my hand and knock on the door’s wooden surface. The sound resounded inside my head, urging my heart to thump faster, louder.
It seemed to take forever but finally the door creaked open. Sakamoto-sensei, my homeroom teacher, showed up from behind the door. I didn’t think it was a surprise that he was there; he was, in a way, responsible for the behavior of his students, including me. He looked pale and sweaty, and he refused to look at me straight in the eye. Well, I don’t suppose it’s easy to be standing face to face with your student; the one who has committed fornication-with a male teacher nonetheless. I couldn’t blame him really. I couldn’t have blamed him even if he had slapped me across the face and called me names.
“Takanori, come in. Headmaster is waiting for you,” he said. It was hard not to notice the awkward way he pronounced my name; it was as if he had to swallow a handful of dirt and was forced to say that it tasted good.
I said nothing; I simply nodded and proceeded to enter the room. I felt unnerved for not knowing what to expect-well I did have my ideas; things like me getting expelled, or at the very least a detention. I supposed Headmaster would give me a mile-long speech as well about what was appropriate for a student to do or not to do, although I doubted it would do me any good now that what’s done was done. Whatever I thought I would meet in the Headmaster’s office, I certainly wasn’t expecting to see Yuu sitting there on the chair in front of the Headmaster’s desk.
My heart sank in an instant. It felt like it was throbbing in my stomach, giving me the worst nausea I had ever felt in my whole life. There was no mistaking what this was about now with Yuu being here as well.
I tried not to falter when Yuu and I looked at each other. We shared like one brief second of eye contact before I broke away, but in that brief second I thought I could hear him whispering an apology in my ears, telling me that our lives were screwed from this moment on. Funny, but I felt like laughing at the moment because it almost sounded real, like I could really hear him talking in that cynical voice of his with a sad grin on his face.
The Headmaster was a middle-aged man with a body like a shriveled tree. He was thin, wrinkled, and I always believed he had a problem with his brows muscles because they kept twitching. Under his twitching eyebrows were his beady, black eyes. He could intimidate people with those eyes. I couldn’t explain why; something in his glare could make people feel uncomfortable, although his posture was far from intimidating. In my opinion he looked way too much like a lizard or maybe an iguana thanks to his wrinkled skin.
Imagine an iguana sitting on a chair, its slick eyes staring unblinkingly at you. You’ll understand how uncomfortable I feel right now.
“Um… You wanted to see me, Sir?” I spoke up, suddenly realizing how dry my throat felt. My voice sounded embarrassingly like a mouse’s squeak.
“Yes,” Headmaster nodded his head. “Matsumoto Takanori, I called you because I wanted to clear up an urgent matter. You see, this morning there is a hideous gossip spread among students and teachers. This gossip has caused quite an uproar that I simply cannot sit still and do nothing. Oh but please, take a seat first.”
At first I thought I preferred standing up, but on second thought I didn’t think my knees would be able to sustain me once we got the core of the problem. So then I sat down on the chair right next to Yuu fighting against the urge to reach out to Yuu and grasp his hand as hard as I could.
“Very good,” Headmaster said once I was seated. “Now, about the gossip, I believe it was triggered by a bunch of photos that were shared through cellphones. I’m not sure if you’ve seen them, so I’ll just… Sakamoto-sensei, if you please?”
Headmaster motioned for Sakamoto-sensei to approach. I saw my homeroom teacher approaching us from where he had been standing near the door; in his outstretched hand he was clutching a cellphone. Dread washed over me at the sight of the phone. I didn’t have to ask why the Headmaster had asked for Sakamoto-sensei’s phone; I also didn’t have to see what was in it to know what kind of trouble I was in right now.
“Sakamoto-sensei here has managed to get a hold of the photos I was talking about,” Headmaster explained as he got a hold of Sakamoto-sensei’s phone. “Now where did you save them to…? Oh here they are. Come closer, Takanori, I want you to see these.”
I bit my lip in apprehension. Deep inside I wanted to tell the Headmaster that I would rather skip the invitation; I had seen those photos beforehand and I didn’t think I needed to look at them to know who were featured in those photos. But I couldn’t exactly tell the Headmaster the whole deal behind this, who was actually responsible for taking those photos and spreading them, so I finally leaned forward and took the phone from Headmaster’s hand.
I had to take a deep breath before I had enough courage to look at the phone’s screen. When I finally did see what the Headmaster wanted me to see, I felt… Well. I’m not sure I had the words to explain just how exactly I felt; how would one feel when one was being stripped naked and thrown into a mob of strangers? I suppose the feeling was close to that. There was shame, a large dose of it in fact. There was regret as well. But surprisingly there was also a strange kind of detachment, as if I knew-had known all along that there was nothing I could do to help myself. People were staring, judging, mocking, but I couldn’t find a will to try to cover myself or to run and hide. I thought that if I just closed my eyes and pretended all this wasn’t happening to me but to someone else, it would all soon be over.
The photos were exactly the ones that Mitsui Aki had taken and shown me a few days ago. Some of them I hadn’t seen yet, but all of them were of the same scene, the same ‘actors’-Yuu and me. It was quite admirable how, with such a minimum lighting and odd angle, she had managed to capture our faces so that no one could really mistaken them for different people. I almost loathed watching how obvious my face was in the focus of some of the photos. Was it really me? I had never really seen myself so completely out of control, so lost in the moment… so thoroughly debauched.
And then I thought about the fact that the entire school, every last one of the students and teachers, had probably seen these photos. They had seen me having sex with Yuu. They had seen the darkest secret in my life that I had ever had to hide. They all knew about this now…
Well isn’t this fabulous… All my greatest fears have come to life in one unprecedented moment. Everything I have struggled so hard to hide is now free for public consumption. Strange though, I don’t feel as bothered as I thought I would be. Yes, I do feel horrible, but it’s not so bad. I knew I’ve felt something worse than this at some point in my life-when Dad said I wasn’t his son, for instance.
But then why should I be so bothered anyway? I’ve known all along that if this secret gets leaked, it’s the end of me. I’ve accepted that fact a long time ago. Maybe I never realized it before, but I do now.
Right now there really is nothing much left for me to do.
After a few moments I finally reached the last file in the folder. Somehow, at the moment, the shame I had felt earlier had now completely transformed into ignorance; maybe I had inevitably reached my peak. Whatever the reason was, I knew that panicking wouldn’t bring me any benefit, so I mentally resolved to wait and see whatever happened next.
It was odd how clear and calm my voice was when I asked the Headmaster. “What do you want me to say about these photos, Sir?”
I saw Headmaster’s eyebrows twitching a few times; the rest of his expression was hardly readable. I’m not sure if he was shocked by my apathetic reaction. Maybe I should have acted a little less cold, probably freak out a bit. I wondered what they-Headmaster, Sakamoto-sensei, and even Yuu-thought about me being so at ease despite the situation. But I supposed there’s no point in pretending to feel something I wasn’t really feeling. So then quietly I placed Sakamoto-sensei’s phone on the table and waited for Headmaster-or anyone at all-to say something.
Headmaster sighed, clasped his hands together and began eyeing me like I had failed all my exams and needed to repeat my entire second year in high school. The thought was funny, I must say. It would have been much easier to deal with if all this shit had been nothing more but some sort of an academic problem; although the idea of repeating second year was almost as dreadful as failing school completely.
“Takanori,” Headmaster spoke up. I could easily sense the half-pity, half-desperateness in his voice. “I need to know if the student in these photos is really you.”
There it is-the big question.
I didn’t know if it was because of my current mental state-this strange indifference I was feeling-but I didn’t have any intention to deny the accusation. I could easily lie and tell everyone that it wasn’t me; some kid must be having a serious hate issue against Yuu as a teacher and had decided to frame him. It was just very unfortunate that I happened to be the one who had gotten victimized. I could make up all sorts of stories to cover up the truth, but I just didn’t have the urge to do that. I realized I was tired, so tired of being in denial. And now that everything was already out in the open I knew I only had one way to go.
I sat up straight in my seat, lifted my gaze and looked at Headmaster right in the eye. “Yes,” I answered steadily. “Yes, that’s me in those photos.”
I could hear an appalled gasp coming from behind me, which was followed by a faint mumbling of something about ‘morality’ and ‘disgrace’. Well, I didn’t expect someone like Sakamoto-sensei to take a matter of this level so lightly. He was, in my opinion, a guy who would flip out if ever he saw his students do anything remotely sexual. It was hard to imagine he had gone through teenage-days if I looked at the way he was now.
Headmaster himself seemed a lot more composed than Sakamoto-sensei had been. He did look surprised that I hadn’t objected, but afterward he simply nodded. For a moment he shifted his gaze at Yuu. I could see him shaking his head but I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. He turned his eyes back to me and said something I was definitely not prepared to hear.
“I see. But surely, my dear child, surely you didn’t get involved in this atrocious act on your own free will. You must have gone through some sort of a… um… what’s the word? Coercion?”
I frowned. Coercion? What the hell…? “Excuse me, Sir. I don’t think I quite understand what you meant with…”
“What I’m saying is, Shiroyama-sensei forced you to do it, didn’t he?” Headmaster elaborated his earlier question. “He made you do it with him. He put you in a position where you couldn’t refuse-”
At hearing what the Headmaster said, anger like I had never felt before blew up in me and consumed me in such a short notice; the next thing I knew I was standing up and I was shouting, my voice rising up a few notch. “No!!! No, he didn’t force me to do anything!”
“Now, now, young man-” the Headmaster raised his hands like an effort to calm me down. I didn’t find it to be working, not after what he had said.
“It is a completely mutual-a fully requited, consensual act. Do you understand what that means?” I continued, barely paying attention at how loud I was. “It means I wanted it to happen just as much as Yuu-Shiroyama-sensei did. No one was forcing anyone to do anything. So don’t give me that ‘coercion’ nonsense like you know everything about us!”
I was panting. My hands were balled into fists at my sides, shaking from anger. I was too far gone to notice anyone’s reaction; how the Headmaster responded, what Sakamoto-sensei was mumbling behind me. I wasn’t even too aware of Yuu’s hand touching my arm, probably an effort to calm me down. But at the moment I was beyond any kind of persuasion. The Headmaster had crossed the limits; there was no way I could just let that go without saying anything.
“Sit down Takanori, please,” Headmaster said. “What you need to know is that this is a very serious matter. I, as the headmaster of this school, cannot oversee this problem and do nothing about it.”
“I know where you’re going with this,” I growled. “You’re looking for someone to blame and you want it to be Yuu. You’re going to make him the culprit and let the entire school see him as this perverted, immoral teacher who violated his student.”
“But that’s the truth, he-”
“That is NOT the truth!” I yelled. Even the Headmaster gasped in shock at witnessing me losing control of myself. “I told you it was consensual! You can’t blame Yuu without blaming me too!”
Headmaster shook his head; I could see discomfort dawning on his face, seeming to add even more wrinkles around his eyes. “You don’t know what you’re saying, child. What-what will your father say if he finds out about this?”
Something seemed to freeze inside my chest-my heart, probably. It hadn’t crossed my mind before that this matter would inevitably reach Dad’s ears. The thought of him knowing what had happened today was frightening. We might have already severed all father-and-son ties, but I knew he would not be very happy with me giving the family a bad name in this school. Dad was an alumnus of this high school, and besides that, almost every year his company donated a large sum of money to the school board as an action of charity. The Headmaster knew him quite well-he had once told me that when he was a teacher here in this school, Dad was an honor student. I guess he expected me to be as respectable as my Dad was, or even more than him.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, Sir. But you see, I’m not Dad’s son. We don’t share the good genes, or even the bad ones.
“Please understand, Takanori, that I cannot let Shiroyama-sensei off without doing anything,” Headmaster continued while I was silent, trying hard not to bite my own tongue off. “The scandal has spread far and wide. I doubt anyone in this school hasn’t seen those photos. I can’t just let something like this pass unattended-I have rules to follow, the school board to worry about. I need to set up an example so that no one else follows the wrong path that you both have gone to.
“It pains me to tell you this, but you see… in this kind of situation, Shiroyama-sensei is in a very uncompromising position because he is an adult while you are underage. Do you know the term for an adult who takes advantage of an underage? A pedophile. We have very severe laws regarding pedophiles in this country, Takanori. I cannot be seen as a person who allows that kind of thing in this school.”
The Headmaster’s words pierced through my brain like millions of needles giving me a sudden migraine. It all sounded so complicated-I can’t say I was a big fan of the topic when it came to a discussion about law, but I knew Headmaster wasn’t lying when he said there would be a harsh consequence for Yuu if this got out to public-wait, this had gone out to public. People had seen what we had been doing behind their backs; people were already making their own judgments.
I guess in the end that’s what all this came to: society’s opinion. Yuu and I had been placed under the spotlight like a pair of impaired creatures on a freak show and people were now watching us, spewing their thoughts out loud. It never really mattered how we felt. We could be humiliated, offended, or hurt beyond anything we had ever felt in our lives, but people didn’t give a damn about that. All they cared about was that they were having a good show, something they could talk about afterward with one another.
Honestly, I was fed up with all this. Hadn’t I already lived a whole lifetime worrying about what Mom and Dad thought about me and the things I did? Hadn’t I already fought a long and tiresome battle just to live up to other people’s expectations? Nothing I had done was ever enough, so what else did they want me to do now?
I looked at Headmaster, at the anticipation displayed on his face. You want me to agree with you, don’t you? You want me to let Yuu suffer all the blame alone so that you can get a good name as the Headmaster who has gotten rid of the perverted teacher and protected this victimized student?
I gritted my teeth. “No fucking way…” I murmured.
“What was that?” Headmaster asked.
“I said, no-fucking-way!” I repeated myself, louder and clearer this time. “You will not blame Yuu for this. You want this school’s reputation to remain clean? Fine. We’re both out of here.”
In a flash I grabbed Yuu’s hand and began dragging him out of the room, ignoring his surprised yelp, and barely listening to the shouts of outrage and disbelief coming from Headmaster and Sakamoto-sensei. Before I got to the door, I stopped and turned around. A smirk grew on my face as I watched the Headmaster’s face-it was the first time ever that I had seen him looking so agitated.
“And about telling that man-my so-called father-about this,” I said, “Well you go ahead and do that. I’d love to see how he’ll react to the notion that his bastard son has been sleeping with his own brother.”
The looks on Headmaster and Sakamoto-sensei’s faces were precious but I didn’t wait to see if they had figured out what I meant with what I said-about me being a bastard son, and Yuu, Dad’s brother. I bet the whole thing was too complicated for their righteous minds to process.
The next second I was already walking out the door, hand in hand with Yuu. My heart and my steps felt a million times lighter than they had been before I entered the Headmaster’s office. I was walking with my head held up high because I knew that, finally, I had nothing left to lose.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: I'm sorry that it has come to this, but it's kind of inevitable, don't you agree? However, the drama hasn't ended. Please stick around for the next chapter :D
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[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ] [ Chapter 19 ] [ Chapter 20 ]
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Chapter: 21/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I kept on torturing you with these updates XD
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Takanori's worst nightmare (finally) comes true.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 21
There was a euphoria I felt this morning that drove me to do stuff I wouldn’t normally approve myself doing, especially not on a school day like today. Opening my eyes I found my heart beating a little harder than usual, and when I saw Yuu’s face in front of me I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him-and I did. Without a second thought I slid closer and leaned down to kiss him. Being a light sleeper, Yuu woke up with a start as soon as I pressed my lips on his but if he was upset because I woke him up, he never showed it. Instead he responded to the kiss and wound his arms around me. In the end we were making out in bed despite the time and it was wholly my fault.
Yuu asked what the hell had gotten into me when we got into his car. He was confused, but also clearly amused. I had never been the kind of person that liked to initiate any sort of intimacy in the morning, not to mention on a school day like today.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “Ever since we got home from the hospital last night my heart felt like it was going to burst-but in a good way. And I’ve been having this… what is it called? This urge that keeps driving me to do crazy things I would never even think of doing at some other times.”
“I see,” Yuu smiled and proceeded to put his hands on the wheel.
It’s odd that he seemed like he actually understood what I meant while I myself had no idea what I was talking about. On the way over to school I contemplated where this sudden glee had come from, and finally concluded that it was all thanks to the rendezvous I had with Mom last night. Of course I should be happy and maybe even feel a little bit delirious; it had been so long that I had been waiting for the day when Mom would see me like her son instead of a burden she needed to carry.
It made a lot of sense to me now. But along with the understanding came a disturbing thought. This euphoria couldn’t possibly last forever could it? Like people said, life is like a wheel; sometimes you’re on top where everything is nice and pleasant, but inevitably some other times you’re on the bottom where everything is awful and unbearable. It is only natural that good and bad things come in successions in one’s life.
Did that mean I needed to get ready to face something bad soon?
I didn’t have the time to think about it any further because all of a sudden we had already reached the curb where Yuu used to drop me-it’s a habit of ours; I would always get off the car at this curb and continued my way to school by foot. I didn’t want any of the students or teachers to notice us together. There would definitely be questions and I just didn’t have the intention or willpower to answer them. Not to mention there was Uruha and Mitsui to worry about…
Shrugging off the thought before it went any further, I leaned over and kissed Yuu’s lips. It was only when I pulled back that I realized what I had done. There was a shocked expression on Yuu’s face-an expression that I knew was etched on my own face. What did I just do? This too must have been because of this silly euphoria I felt in me because normally I would never have done something this rash and spontaneous. My face felt like it was on fire when I rushed out of the car. I’m sure Yuu was grinning, watching me from inside the car as I dashed off towards school, but my pride didn’t let me look back and check.
The bell had already rung when I reached my class but from what I could see the teacher hadn’t shown up yet. I walked in a rush, strutting toward my seat. I sat down and struggled to regain my breath; I never liked sports of any kind, so running all the way from the streets to the second floor and into my class had been a little too much for my lungs to handle. It was only when my vision stopped spinning that the uncomfortable realization that I was being watched sank in. I lifted my gaze from the table to the rest of the room and soon found that my instincts were accurate. Some kids were averting their gazes when I looked at them, but I couldn’t have been mistaken. What was more unnerving was the sight of a group of girls on the corner of the room whispering to one another while sparing a glance or two at me.
What the hell…?
I wasn’t the sort of kid who used to draw attention at school. In fact, nobody really noticed me except a few, and I had always liked it that way. I always found it uncomfortable being the center of people’s attention. I hated any task that required me to stand in front of the class and do something. I didn’t like art classes because sometimes the teacher asked us to perform or sing in front of everyone; most of the times I ended up embarrassing myself. Straining what little confidence that I had was nearly impossible for me to do so I would like to stay away from any situation that might put me in that position.
So that’s why I became very self-conscious whenever someone or a bunch of people were looking at me-like right now.
I felt my nerves become tense; I tried to sink into my chair or act invisible. I was usually good at it but right now it didn’t seem to be working too well. They were still staring at me, whispering behind my back.
What is going on here? Do I have something on my face? Or is there something wrong with my clothes?
It would have been so much easier to deal with had it only been a speck on my face or a wayward thread coming out of my shirt. But this fear that was rising up in me told me it was nothing like that; it had nothing to do with my appearance this morning. The ugly thoughts that had plagued my brain earlier when I was in Yuu’s car came rushing back to me, like a hunch that told me that something really bad was going to happen.
I didn’t know what made me look over my shoulder, but once I did, my worries grew even greater. Across the room, Mitsui Aki was staring at me; her expression was as unreadable as ever. She had her cellphone in her hands acting as if it was the most normal thing anyone would do in the morning, but I knew exactly what the gesture meant.
Confirming my anxiety, our English teacher walked in and stood in front of the class. He wasted no time greeting the class but went straight to addressing my name. “Matsumoto Takanori,” he said, an uncomfortable look gracing his face. “Headmaster wants to see you right now in his office. You are excused from my class.”
===
It felt like my worst nightmare coming true. No, it felt worse than that. It felt like the world that I knew was coming to an end, crumbling from the inside out, and I was actually walking straight to the core of it. Every step I took was heavy, as if my feet had turned to iron; every beat of my heart seemed like it was the last, hurting my chest every time I drew in a breath. My skin was prickling with the realization that in every class that I walked past, every kid had their eyes on me, following my every movement. I heard faint whisperings; my name came in between the words “disgusting” and “shocking”.
It was horrible, and all I wanted was to run-run as fast as I could and leave this place behind. I wanted to be somewhere far and safe; somewhere I didn’t have to worry about people looking at me, judging me for things I had done. But something inside me told me I couldn’t do that; I had to deal with the consequences of my own doing before I could start thinking about making my way out of here. With that in mind, I fought to ignore those eyes and those gossiping mouths. Lowering my head, I sped up my pace.
The faster I get this over with, the better.
The door to the Headmaster’s office loomed before me, dark and menacing. I couldn’t help but think that behind this door lay the doom that would end my life, waiting for me to step in and walk right into its trap. It took every ounce of willpower that I had just to raise my hand and knock on the door’s wooden surface. The sound resounded inside my head, urging my heart to thump faster, louder.
It seemed to take forever but finally the door creaked open. Sakamoto-sensei, my homeroom teacher, showed up from behind the door. I didn’t think it was a surprise that he was there; he was, in a way, responsible for the behavior of his students, including me. He looked pale and sweaty, and he refused to look at me straight in the eye. Well, I don’t suppose it’s easy to be standing face to face with your student; the one who has committed fornication-with a male teacher nonetheless. I couldn’t blame him really. I couldn’t have blamed him even if he had slapped me across the face and called me names.
“Takanori, come in. Headmaster is waiting for you,” he said. It was hard not to notice the awkward way he pronounced my name; it was as if he had to swallow a handful of dirt and was forced to say that it tasted good.
I said nothing; I simply nodded and proceeded to enter the room. I felt unnerved for not knowing what to expect-well I did have my ideas; things like me getting expelled, or at the very least a detention. I supposed Headmaster would give me a mile-long speech as well about what was appropriate for a student to do or not to do, although I doubted it would do me any good now that what’s done was done. Whatever I thought I would meet in the Headmaster’s office, I certainly wasn’t expecting to see Yuu sitting there on the chair in front of the Headmaster’s desk.
My heart sank in an instant. It felt like it was throbbing in my stomach, giving me the worst nausea I had ever felt in my whole life. There was no mistaking what this was about now with Yuu being here as well.
I tried not to falter when Yuu and I looked at each other. We shared like one brief second of eye contact before I broke away, but in that brief second I thought I could hear him whispering an apology in my ears, telling me that our lives were screwed from this moment on. Funny, but I felt like laughing at the moment because it almost sounded real, like I could really hear him talking in that cynical voice of his with a sad grin on his face.
The Headmaster was a middle-aged man with a body like a shriveled tree. He was thin, wrinkled, and I always believed he had a problem with his brows muscles because they kept twitching. Under his twitching eyebrows were his beady, black eyes. He could intimidate people with those eyes. I couldn’t explain why; something in his glare could make people feel uncomfortable, although his posture was far from intimidating. In my opinion he looked way too much like a lizard or maybe an iguana thanks to his wrinkled skin.
Imagine an iguana sitting on a chair, its slick eyes staring unblinkingly at you. You’ll understand how uncomfortable I feel right now.
“Um… You wanted to see me, Sir?” I spoke up, suddenly realizing how dry my throat felt. My voice sounded embarrassingly like a mouse’s squeak.
“Yes,” Headmaster nodded his head. “Matsumoto Takanori, I called you because I wanted to clear up an urgent matter. You see, this morning there is a hideous gossip spread among students and teachers. This gossip has caused quite an uproar that I simply cannot sit still and do nothing. Oh but please, take a seat first.”
At first I thought I preferred standing up, but on second thought I didn’t think my knees would be able to sustain me once we got the core of the problem. So then I sat down on the chair right next to Yuu fighting against the urge to reach out to Yuu and grasp his hand as hard as I could.
“Very good,” Headmaster said once I was seated. “Now, about the gossip, I believe it was triggered by a bunch of photos that were shared through cellphones. I’m not sure if you’ve seen them, so I’ll just… Sakamoto-sensei, if you please?”
Headmaster motioned for Sakamoto-sensei to approach. I saw my homeroom teacher approaching us from where he had been standing near the door; in his outstretched hand he was clutching a cellphone. Dread washed over me at the sight of the phone. I didn’t have to ask why the Headmaster had asked for Sakamoto-sensei’s phone; I also didn’t have to see what was in it to know what kind of trouble I was in right now.
“Sakamoto-sensei here has managed to get a hold of the photos I was talking about,” Headmaster explained as he got a hold of Sakamoto-sensei’s phone. “Now where did you save them to…? Oh here they are. Come closer, Takanori, I want you to see these.”
I bit my lip in apprehension. Deep inside I wanted to tell the Headmaster that I would rather skip the invitation; I had seen those photos beforehand and I didn’t think I needed to look at them to know who were featured in those photos. But I couldn’t exactly tell the Headmaster the whole deal behind this, who was actually responsible for taking those photos and spreading them, so I finally leaned forward and took the phone from Headmaster’s hand.
I had to take a deep breath before I had enough courage to look at the phone’s screen. When I finally did see what the Headmaster wanted me to see, I felt… Well. I’m not sure I had the words to explain just how exactly I felt; how would one feel when one was being stripped naked and thrown into a mob of strangers? I suppose the feeling was close to that. There was shame, a large dose of it in fact. There was regret as well. But surprisingly there was also a strange kind of detachment, as if I knew-had known all along that there was nothing I could do to help myself. People were staring, judging, mocking, but I couldn’t find a will to try to cover myself or to run and hide. I thought that if I just closed my eyes and pretended all this wasn’t happening to me but to someone else, it would all soon be over.
The photos were exactly the ones that Mitsui Aki had taken and shown me a few days ago. Some of them I hadn’t seen yet, but all of them were of the same scene, the same ‘actors’-Yuu and me. It was quite admirable how, with such a minimum lighting and odd angle, she had managed to capture our faces so that no one could really mistaken them for different people. I almost loathed watching how obvious my face was in the focus of some of the photos. Was it really me? I had never really seen myself so completely out of control, so lost in the moment… so thoroughly debauched.
And then I thought about the fact that the entire school, every last one of the students and teachers, had probably seen these photos. They had seen me having sex with Yuu. They had seen the darkest secret in my life that I had ever had to hide. They all knew about this now…
Well isn’t this fabulous… All my greatest fears have come to life in one unprecedented moment. Everything I have struggled so hard to hide is now free for public consumption. Strange though, I don’t feel as bothered as I thought I would be. Yes, I do feel horrible, but it’s not so bad. I knew I’ve felt something worse than this at some point in my life-when Dad said I wasn’t his son, for instance.
But then why should I be so bothered anyway? I’ve known all along that if this secret gets leaked, it’s the end of me. I’ve accepted that fact a long time ago. Maybe I never realized it before, but I do now.
Right now there really is nothing much left for me to do.
After a few moments I finally reached the last file in the folder. Somehow, at the moment, the shame I had felt earlier had now completely transformed into ignorance; maybe I had inevitably reached my peak. Whatever the reason was, I knew that panicking wouldn’t bring me any benefit, so I mentally resolved to wait and see whatever happened next.
It was odd how clear and calm my voice was when I asked the Headmaster. “What do you want me to say about these photos, Sir?”
I saw Headmaster’s eyebrows twitching a few times; the rest of his expression was hardly readable. I’m not sure if he was shocked by my apathetic reaction. Maybe I should have acted a little less cold, probably freak out a bit. I wondered what they-Headmaster, Sakamoto-sensei, and even Yuu-thought about me being so at ease despite the situation. But I supposed there’s no point in pretending to feel something I wasn’t really feeling. So then quietly I placed Sakamoto-sensei’s phone on the table and waited for Headmaster-or anyone at all-to say something.
Headmaster sighed, clasped his hands together and began eyeing me like I had failed all my exams and needed to repeat my entire second year in high school. The thought was funny, I must say. It would have been much easier to deal with if all this shit had been nothing more but some sort of an academic problem; although the idea of repeating second year was almost as dreadful as failing school completely.
“Takanori,” Headmaster spoke up. I could easily sense the half-pity, half-desperateness in his voice. “I need to know if the student in these photos is really you.”
There it is-the big question.
I didn’t know if it was because of my current mental state-this strange indifference I was feeling-but I didn’t have any intention to deny the accusation. I could easily lie and tell everyone that it wasn’t me; some kid must be having a serious hate issue against Yuu as a teacher and had decided to frame him. It was just very unfortunate that I happened to be the one who had gotten victimized. I could make up all sorts of stories to cover up the truth, but I just didn’t have the urge to do that. I realized I was tired, so tired of being in denial. And now that everything was already out in the open I knew I only had one way to go.
I sat up straight in my seat, lifted my gaze and looked at Headmaster right in the eye. “Yes,” I answered steadily. “Yes, that’s me in those photos.”
I could hear an appalled gasp coming from behind me, which was followed by a faint mumbling of something about ‘morality’ and ‘disgrace’. Well, I didn’t expect someone like Sakamoto-sensei to take a matter of this level so lightly. He was, in my opinion, a guy who would flip out if ever he saw his students do anything remotely sexual. It was hard to imagine he had gone through teenage-days if I looked at the way he was now.
Headmaster himself seemed a lot more composed than Sakamoto-sensei had been. He did look surprised that I hadn’t objected, but afterward he simply nodded. For a moment he shifted his gaze at Yuu. I could see him shaking his head but I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. He turned his eyes back to me and said something I was definitely not prepared to hear.
“I see. But surely, my dear child, surely you didn’t get involved in this atrocious act on your own free will. You must have gone through some sort of a… um… what’s the word? Coercion?”
I frowned. Coercion? What the hell…? “Excuse me, Sir. I don’t think I quite understand what you meant with…”
“What I’m saying is, Shiroyama-sensei forced you to do it, didn’t he?” Headmaster elaborated his earlier question. “He made you do it with him. He put you in a position where you couldn’t refuse-”
At hearing what the Headmaster said, anger like I had never felt before blew up in me and consumed me in such a short notice; the next thing I knew I was standing up and I was shouting, my voice rising up a few notch. “No!!! No, he didn’t force me to do anything!”
“Now, now, young man-” the Headmaster raised his hands like an effort to calm me down. I didn’t find it to be working, not after what he had said.
“It is a completely mutual-a fully requited, consensual act. Do you understand what that means?” I continued, barely paying attention at how loud I was. “It means I wanted it to happen just as much as Yuu-Shiroyama-sensei did. No one was forcing anyone to do anything. So don’t give me that ‘coercion’ nonsense like you know everything about us!”
I was panting. My hands were balled into fists at my sides, shaking from anger. I was too far gone to notice anyone’s reaction; how the Headmaster responded, what Sakamoto-sensei was mumbling behind me. I wasn’t even too aware of Yuu’s hand touching my arm, probably an effort to calm me down. But at the moment I was beyond any kind of persuasion. The Headmaster had crossed the limits; there was no way I could just let that go without saying anything.
“Sit down Takanori, please,” Headmaster said. “What you need to know is that this is a very serious matter. I, as the headmaster of this school, cannot oversee this problem and do nothing about it.”
“I know where you’re going with this,” I growled. “You’re looking for someone to blame and you want it to be Yuu. You’re going to make him the culprit and let the entire school see him as this perverted, immoral teacher who violated his student.”
“But that’s the truth, he-”
“That is NOT the truth!” I yelled. Even the Headmaster gasped in shock at witnessing me losing control of myself. “I told you it was consensual! You can’t blame Yuu without blaming me too!”
Headmaster shook his head; I could see discomfort dawning on his face, seeming to add even more wrinkles around his eyes. “You don’t know what you’re saying, child. What-what will your father say if he finds out about this?”
Something seemed to freeze inside my chest-my heart, probably. It hadn’t crossed my mind before that this matter would inevitably reach Dad’s ears. The thought of him knowing what had happened today was frightening. We might have already severed all father-and-son ties, but I knew he would not be very happy with me giving the family a bad name in this school. Dad was an alumnus of this high school, and besides that, almost every year his company donated a large sum of money to the school board as an action of charity. The Headmaster knew him quite well-he had once told me that when he was a teacher here in this school, Dad was an honor student. I guess he expected me to be as respectable as my Dad was, or even more than him.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, Sir. But you see, I’m not Dad’s son. We don’t share the good genes, or even the bad ones.
“Please understand, Takanori, that I cannot let Shiroyama-sensei off without doing anything,” Headmaster continued while I was silent, trying hard not to bite my own tongue off. “The scandal has spread far and wide. I doubt anyone in this school hasn’t seen those photos. I can’t just let something like this pass unattended-I have rules to follow, the school board to worry about. I need to set up an example so that no one else follows the wrong path that you both have gone to.
“It pains me to tell you this, but you see… in this kind of situation, Shiroyama-sensei is in a very uncompromising position because he is an adult while you are underage. Do you know the term for an adult who takes advantage of an underage? A pedophile. We have very severe laws regarding pedophiles in this country, Takanori. I cannot be seen as a person who allows that kind of thing in this school.”
The Headmaster’s words pierced through my brain like millions of needles giving me a sudden migraine. It all sounded so complicated-I can’t say I was a big fan of the topic when it came to a discussion about law, but I knew Headmaster wasn’t lying when he said there would be a harsh consequence for Yuu if this got out to public-wait, this had gone out to public. People had seen what we had been doing behind their backs; people were already making their own judgments.
I guess in the end that’s what all this came to: society’s opinion. Yuu and I had been placed under the spotlight like a pair of impaired creatures on a freak show and people were now watching us, spewing their thoughts out loud. It never really mattered how we felt. We could be humiliated, offended, or hurt beyond anything we had ever felt in our lives, but people didn’t give a damn about that. All they cared about was that they were having a good show, something they could talk about afterward with one another.
Honestly, I was fed up with all this. Hadn’t I already lived a whole lifetime worrying about what Mom and Dad thought about me and the things I did? Hadn’t I already fought a long and tiresome battle just to live up to other people’s expectations? Nothing I had done was ever enough, so what else did they want me to do now?
I looked at Headmaster, at the anticipation displayed on his face. You want me to agree with you, don’t you? You want me to let Yuu suffer all the blame alone so that you can get a good name as the Headmaster who has gotten rid of the perverted teacher and protected this victimized student?
I gritted my teeth. “No fucking way…” I murmured.
“What was that?” Headmaster asked.
“I said, no-fucking-way!” I repeated myself, louder and clearer this time. “You will not blame Yuu for this. You want this school’s reputation to remain clean? Fine. We’re both out of here.”
In a flash I grabbed Yuu’s hand and began dragging him out of the room, ignoring his surprised yelp, and barely listening to the shouts of outrage and disbelief coming from Headmaster and Sakamoto-sensei. Before I got to the door, I stopped and turned around. A smirk grew on my face as I watched the Headmaster’s face-it was the first time ever that I had seen him looking so agitated.
“And about telling that man-my so-called father-about this,” I said, “Well you go ahead and do that. I’d love to see how he’ll react to the notion that his bastard son has been sleeping with his own brother.”
The looks on Headmaster and Sakamoto-sensei’s faces were precious but I didn’t wait to see if they had figured out what I meant with what I said-about me being a bastard son, and Yuu, Dad’s brother. I bet the whole thing was too complicated for their righteous minds to process.
The next second I was already walking out the door, hand in hand with Yuu. My heart and my steps felt a million times lighter than they had been before I entered the Headmaster’s office. I was walking with my head held up high because I knew that, finally, I had nothing left to lose.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: I'm sorry that it has come to this, but it's kind of inevitable, don't you agree? However, the drama hasn't ended. Please stick around for the next chapter :D
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