Beautiful Lie [to Believe in] | 19/?? | AoixRuki, UruhaxRuki
Title: Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter: 19/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I'm sorry for all the trouble m(_ _)m
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Takanori is finally having a heart-to-heart talk with Yuu. (This is a rather mushy chapter. LOL~)
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 19
I stood leaning against the doorframe, biting my lip in apprehension. My eyes could not leave the sight of Yuu perched on what he liked to call as his ‘throne of hell’, which basically consisted of a chair, a desk in front of it, and also a computer on top of the desk. It was the spot where Yuu used to sit and work on the assignments he brought home from school. I had become accustomed to seeing this routine of his. Usually after dinner he would go to his seat and immerse himself in stacks of his students’ homework, or sometimes he would be fully preoccupied with the computer, typing quiz or test problems. He liked to joke about having to put up passwords for his folders in the computer now since I was living here, thus having the opportunity to access his computer; he didn’t want to risk me taking a peek into one of his test problems. I couldn’t say that I was not tempted to, but in the few weeks that I had been living here I had never actually touched Yuu’s computer.
He was a diligent man-that’s what I always thought whenever I saw him sitting there completely focused with his job. He seemed like he actually liked being a teacher, despite his poor ability of talking in front of the class. I think he was more of a private teacher type. When there was just the two of us, he was actually quite good in explaining lots of things; he made the subjects I asked him sound easy. But in class, he simply sucked. I didn’t think any of the students in my class ever enjoyed his method of teaching. This was of course something I had never bothered to tell Yuu; I didn’t have the heart to offend him.
Normally I would find myself grinning feeling amused every time I watched Yuu sitting on his chair. I thought he looked so nerdy and awkward when he had switched on his ‘working’ mode; I found the sight really funny to watch. But tonight, instead of feeling amused, there was a constricting feeling in my chest that grew stronger the longer I stood here staring at him. I didn’t want to think of this as a foreboding, a bad hunch or some sort, but it was becoming too solid to ignore. Without an obvious cause, my mind was suddenly full of the thought about the day when Yuu had to let go of this job, and I knew that when this happened, the main reason would be me. It was painful to realize how awful it would be for him, especially because he seemed to love his job. After everything that we had gone through, the last thing I ever planned to do was to drive Yuu away from the life he had built from scratch.
I didn’t want to hurt him. But as time went by, it was obvious that hurting Yuu was what I would eventually do.
“You know you’re still not getting a sneak peak of tomorrow’s test no matter how long you wish to stand there staring at me, Taka,” Yuu spoke, startling me out of my thoughts. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of the computer screen but I could see a smile appearing on his lips.
I smiled despite my troubled mind. “Not even a glimpse?” I replied.
Yuu chuckled, stopping the nimble movements of his fingers on the keyboard and turned his head to face me. Something throbbed rather painfully inside my chest when I saw the bright glimmer in his eyes as he smiled at me. “You need help with your homework again?” he asked.
I shook my head. Oh how I wished I was only there to consult my homework; any kind of homework would have been easier to deal with than this predicament I had in my mind right now. “I need to talk to you about… something,” I said. “But I think it can wait until you’re done typing your test.”
The smile on Yuu’s face faltered slightly. He probably had caught the frustration in my voice. “Alright, you can wait in the bedroom,” he said, nodding in assurance. “I’ll be done in a moment.”
===
I had been staring listlessly at the dark, almost starless sky outside the window when Yuu finally walked into the room. With a slight start I turned over in bed and was immediately met with Yuu’s solemn gaze. He sat down beside me, the bed’s surface dipped under the combination of our weights. I looked up at him; he was silent as if he already knew that something ugly would be brought forth tonight. But then I suppose it didn’t take a genius to be able to guess it from the way I had been behaving tonight.
“Are you okay?” Yuu asked; his voice dripping with concern.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered, not wanting to tell him the truth that I actually felt as horrible as one would after a completely fucked up day. “Come lay with me, Yuu.”
Yuu did what I asked him to do without a word, lying down next to me until we came face to face. He was worried, it was clear in his eyes. Seeing his concern the constricting feeling around my heart grew even stronger, more painful, but I knew no matter what I did it wouldn’t get any better. In fact, it would just get worse.
I took a deep breath and tried to quench the discomfort inside my chest. I need to do this. If I ever want to be sure about what I feel and, simultaneously, what I will have to do in the near future, I need to talk to Yuu right now.
“Yuu,” I began, still quite unsure of how to begin. “Before you told me that… you loved me, have you considered the consequences? I mean if we’re ever, you know, going to have a relationship or whatever?”
I saw a brief flicker of movement on Yuu’s brows before he answered my question.
“Of course,” he said. “I’ve thought of it long before you came to stay here.”
“Aren’t you afraid?” I asked further. “After what happened with Kazuki, aren’t you afraid that you’ll risk losing this-” My eyes rolled around to take the sight of the room, “-this life, your job, and everything else you’ve struggled to build for all these years?”
Unexpectedly, Yuu smiled. “If your question had come from Kazuki, and this had been in college some few years ago, I would have answered yes. Yes, I am afraid-in fact, I’m terrified. I can’t tell what the future brings and it’s scaring the shit out of me,” he said. “But you’re not him, and this is a completely different time. I am no longer burdened by the thought of disappointing my family-I’ve already done that long ago. Their opinion doesn’t matter to me anymore and I don’t have much else to worry about.
“The job, yes, there’s a risk of me losing it if the school board finds out what I’ve been doing with you. But to tell you the truth, I don’t really care what they might think or do. If it should ever come to the point where they have to release me from my position at the school, so be it. I don’t want to dwell on the thought of losing a career, or a life-like what you’ve just said; I can always build a new one somewhere else. Sure there will be more struggling to do, some adapting to overcome, but I’ve done that before; so why can’t I do it again?
“But on top of everything I will never be sorry for telling you I love you, Takanori, because I do. There’s no use denying my own feelings. But please don’t think too much of it. I have no intention to force you into having a relationship. I told you I love you just for the sake of letting you know how I feel.”
I took a moment to mull over Yuu’s words. It’s true that he hadn’t actually asked me for a response or anything after his unpredicted confession. I had always thought that it was an obligation for a person who had just received a confession to reply, either it was a yes or no; ‘yes, I love you too,’ or ‘no, sorry but I don’t love you the way you love me.’ That’s why I had been troubled by the thought of having to come up with an answer. I found it difficult because I wasn’t sure about how I felt. But now after Yuu explained, I knew that his confession was just an expression of fact; it needed to be let out but it didn’t require a response-not immediately, at least.
“But don’t you want me to tell you I love you too?” I asked slowly feeling rather bashful.
Yuu laughed. He probably didn’t mean to offend me, but still it wasn’t easy to stop myself from feeling slightly upset for being laughed at. “I’m sorry,” Yuu apologized quickly once he saw the look on my face. He kissed the tip of my nose gently, and somehow I forgot all about being offended.
“Yes, of course I want you to tell me you love me too,” he said. “I’ll be so happy, probably happier than I’ve ever been all my life, if you ever do say you love me.” The grin on his face eased into a gentle smile; there was also a hint of sadness lingering underneath his expression that I could not help but to notice. “But I am never going to pressure you into saying that, if the truth is you don’t love me. I’ve made the mistake of hoping too much for the person I loved to love me back as much as I did him; I can’t do that now. I can’t deal with the same pain ever again.”
Unavoidably my mind went through the story of Yuu and Kazuki, of how Kazuki had thrown everything that they had ever had between them in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t imagine the pain Yuu must have felt at that moment as he stared into Kazuki’s eyes and watched the man he loved crushing his hopes to pieces. It was logical that Yuu wouldn’t want to experience the same disappointment. No one would like to have their hopes ruined, or their trust betrayed.
I dare say I knew that reluctance, that doubt that he felt in letting anyone breach through his defenses and enter his heart; after all, wasn’t that the exact reason why I was having problems in trusting anyone throughout my whole life? I didn’t want to harbor any kind of hope if I could not see the outcome of it.
But then we’re human, aren’t we? Is it even possible to stop ourselves from hoping every once in a while?
My hand hovered upon Yuu’s chest before I placed it over his beating heart. I couldn’t see it with my own eyes, but I had an abstract idea of how maimed it was now after everything it had to endure. There must have been a lot of effort needed to heal it-if it had ever been healed at all. Taking that into consideration, what was I supposed to do now? Should I add another wound to an already broken heart? Was there anything I could do to help him mend it?
Right now it seemed I didn’t have any other choice but to carve a new scar onto his heart. The sooner I told him what I intended to tell him, the better. It would hurt him probably; but as they all said, make sure the crash is harsh and swift, and it will be over before you know it. Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and began speaking.
“Yuu, do you know Takashima Kouyou?”
Yuu nodded. “Of course I know him. I’ve seen you around him often.”
“Well, the thing is…” I paused, trying to find the right words to tell Yuu.
“He’s in love with you?” Yuu quipped.
I looked at him baffled. “How did you know that?”
“I didn’t know,” Yuu shrugged. “I just guessed.”
Yuu seemed to have put on that stolid face that I couldn’t read through. The tone of his voice didn’t reveal anything either. Was he, in any way, hurt in knowing about Uruha? But no matter how long I searched his face for a hint of emotion, all I could see was expectance and measured composure.
Well, I suppose since he had already guessed it, my only choice was to tell him the rest of the story.
“Yes, Kouyou loves me,” I continued, carefully watching Yuu’s face. “I just found out today. We had a little talk. He said he saw us at the convenience store last Saturday. He was angry, and I panicked; I thought he would be able to guess what was going on between us. So I had to tell him that you’re my uncle… well, half-uncle, since your brother is not really my father. I told him that you’re the one who had taken me in after I ran away from home.
“I explained who you were, but he was still angry. I didn’t understand what the hell was wrong with him. Why was he so upset just because I hadn’t told him about you being my uncle? I asked him that, and beyond my expectation, he told me why my secrecy bothered him… it was because he loved me.
“I ran away after he told me that. I don’t quite understand why… I guess I just couldn’t bear with the thought that the person I have always considered as my best friend was now in love with me. My friendship with him was one amongst some very few things in my life that I always treasured, but now, after he confessed, I felt like I’ve lost it.”
I tried to shrug the memory of Uruha and his untimely confession, but like a tumor it wouldn’t leave my brain. It was clinging to me stubbornly, forcing me to keep hearing his voice inside my head.
“The truth is, Yuu,” I continued slowly. “Before he ever told me he loved me, we’ve… he… it’s just… it’s really just a kiss-well, kisses, but…”
“Are you in love with him?” Yuu cut me off.
I found myself gaping; my mind suddenly went blank. Yuu had successfully blown everything I had carefully planned out to say by cutting me off in the middle of speaking. I wanted to protest, tell him he’s being rude for cutting me off while I was trying to talk, but seeing the look in his eyes, I couldn’t say anything.
But then what did I expect? I could have spent a lot of time telling Yuu all the details, every little thing that had happened between Uruha and me, but in the end, this was what it would all come to. Those days of confusion were headed down to this. The main question was forever there; more important than all the trivial little incidents that took place along the way.
Who did I love? Was it Uruha, or was it Yuu?
I scrunched my eyes closed feeling nauseated with the way my mind was whirling inside my head. The question might be simple, but finding the answer to that turned out to be far from simple. Why was it so hard for me to figure out my own feelings? It felt like trying to see through a nine-inch thick concrete wall with my bare eyes. I knew that both Yuu and Uruha were precious for me; that much was obvious. But who was more important than the other? Who would I trust my heart to?
“No, forget I asked, Taka,” Yuu said, wheeling me away from my own thoughts just as they were about to become very frustrating. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you-”
“No, no, you have the right to ask. I’m not being fair to you-to either of you. I should have made my choice.”
“That’s my point exactly, Takanori. You don’t have to make a choice, not if you don’t want to,” Yuu countered. “You see, back then, I was so certain that Kazuki would choose me over everything else, even his family and his future. All the promises we had spoken to one another made me confident that whatever happened, we were never going to be apart; he would never leave me. That was why I was so disappointed and brokenhearted when he did leave me. I was unprepared for that, and I felt like the whole world including the person I loved was participating in ruining my dreams; my vision of a perfect future. What I didn’t realize was that I had played a big part in disappointing myself.
“I had always believed that love meant that I had to possess that special person. It seemed like the most logical thing to do when you’re in love. I mean, isn’t it common perception that loving is possessing? But I was wrong. It was my selfishness taking hold of me, controlling my mind and my feelings, making me think I was doing the right thing when the truth is I wasn’t. I learned too late but now I know. Love is not about possessing, Takanori. Love is about sacrifice. Love is doing whatever you can to make sure your loved one is content and safe. Love is about having the courage to give up what you have, whatever it takes to ensure your loved one’s happiness.
“And that’s what makes love a very complicated thing to deal with,” he ended with a smile; a rather sad smile, at that. “But still, that doesn’t stop me from loving you.”
Something did a back-flip inside of me as a reaction to Yuu’s words. And suddenly I just couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to pull Yuu closer, and kiss him hard on the lips. I didn’t know what had spurred me to do that; I still wasn’t sure how I felt toward Yuu, but the things that he told me tonight moved something in me and made me realize just how far he would go for my sake.
“What will you give up for me, Yuu?” I asked breathlessly, gazing into his eyes.
“Everything,” he answered confidently. “I will even let you go, if that is really what it takes to make you happy.”
I scrunched my eyes tightly closed holding back the warmth that was threatening to spill out, and threw my cautions out the window. My lips found their way back onto Yuu’s lips, kissing him with the same rhythm that my heart was throbbing inside my chest. I felt like I was going to burst.
The first time Yuu told me he loved me, it had felt very overwhelming. He had made a great impact in me being the first person in my life who had ever told me he loved me-yes, I had never even heard my own family, or the people whom I had considered as my family, told me they loved me. Tonight, Yuu’s feelings crossed through a boundary I hadn’t realized existed until just now when he said he would give up everything for me. Confessing his love for me was one thing, but telling me what he would do for my sake was something else completely. It made me feel like he had reached deep down into me and grabbed a vicious hold of my heart, forcing it to pump frantically in order to keep me breathing.
I couldn’t foresee if he was serious about what he said; but I knew I would hate to see the day when he was faced with no other choice but to let me go for my sake. I had to admit that it was scary to think of how I would be able to survive without him. Despite having spent the first few months of our relationship-whatever kind of relationship it had been-thinking of him as nothing but an escape from loneliness and from Dad’s aggression, I realized that Yuu had become the only person I could count on. The only person I could trust.
How can you think I will be able to go on if you ever let me go to live on my own, Yuu?
With a sudden, unexplainable desperation I grabbed onto Yuu’s neck, pulling myself closer to him although there really wasn’t much air left between our bodies. He responded by taking a fierce grip on my waist, a rather obsessive gesture in my opinion, but I couldn’t find my will to complain. And then we kissed again, again, and again; all talk of Uruha became forgotten, and the sound of his voice that had been haunting me persistently was now pushed back into the back of my mind.
And that was when the phone rang.
I pulled back from Yuu, still panting, when I glared at the ringing object. An odd hunch, kind of like déjà-vu because I knew this had happened before, told me that it was Yutaka calling me. I had learned from many experiences that he had developed a funny habit of calling me at the most inappropriate moment. And tonight he had decided to call me out of impulse, just like in many chances before, most likely to talk about how I had been doing, and if Yuu had been taking care of me properly.
Gingerly I picked up the phone, and soon found my guess was accurate. It was Yutaka on the other end of the line. But he didn’t dial my number to ask me how I was doing.
Sounding flustered and shaky, Yutaka spoke. “Takanori, can you come over to the hospital? Mom is in ER right now.”
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: This took a while, huh? Sorry about that. Some e-mail problem occured. LOL~ Okay. Hopefully I can get some vigor back to write the next chapter. *gets shot* Hope you enjoy! ^^
Previous:
[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ]
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Chapter: 19/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I'm sorry for all the trouble m(_ _)m
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: Takanori is finally having a heart-to-heart talk with Yuu. (This is a rather mushy chapter. LOL~)
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 19
I stood leaning against the doorframe, biting my lip in apprehension. My eyes could not leave the sight of Yuu perched on what he liked to call as his ‘throne of hell’, which basically consisted of a chair, a desk in front of it, and also a computer on top of the desk. It was the spot where Yuu used to sit and work on the assignments he brought home from school. I had become accustomed to seeing this routine of his. Usually after dinner he would go to his seat and immerse himself in stacks of his students’ homework, or sometimes he would be fully preoccupied with the computer, typing quiz or test problems. He liked to joke about having to put up passwords for his folders in the computer now since I was living here, thus having the opportunity to access his computer; he didn’t want to risk me taking a peek into one of his test problems. I couldn’t say that I was not tempted to, but in the few weeks that I had been living here I had never actually touched Yuu’s computer.
He was a diligent man-that’s what I always thought whenever I saw him sitting there completely focused with his job. He seemed like he actually liked being a teacher, despite his poor ability of talking in front of the class. I think he was more of a private teacher type. When there was just the two of us, he was actually quite good in explaining lots of things; he made the subjects I asked him sound easy. But in class, he simply sucked. I didn’t think any of the students in my class ever enjoyed his method of teaching. This was of course something I had never bothered to tell Yuu; I didn’t have the heart to offend him.
Normally I would find myself grinning feeling amused every time I watched Yuu sitting on his chair. I thought he looked so nerdy and awkward when he had switched on his ‘working’ mode; I found the sight really funny to watch. But tonight, instead of feeling amused, there was a constricting feeling in my chest that grew stronger the longer I stood here staring at him. I didn’t want to think of this as a foreboding, a bad hunch or some sort, but it was becoming too solid to ignore. Without an obvious cause, my mind was suddenly full of the thought about the day when Yuu had to let go of this job, and I knew that when this happened, the main reason would be me. It was painful to realize how awful it would be for him, especially because he seemed to love his job. After everything that we had gone through, the last thing I ever planned to do was to drive Yuu away from the life he had built from scratch.
I didn’t want to hurt him. But as time went by, it was obvious that hurting Yuu was what I would eventually do.
“You know you’re still not getting a sneak peak of tomorrow’s test no matter how long you wish to stand there staring at me, Taka,” Yuu spoke, startling me out of my thoughts. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of the computer screen but I could see a smile appearing on his lips.
I smiled despite my troubled mind. “Not even a glimpse?” I replied.
Yuu chuckled, stopping the nimble movements of his fingers on the keyboard and turned his head to face me. Something throbbed rather painfully inside my chest when I saw the bright glimmer in his eyes as he smiled at me. “You need help with your homework again?” he asked.
I shook my head. Oh how I wished I was only there to consult my homework; any kind of homework would have been easier to deal with than this predicament I had in my mind right now. “I need to talk to you about… something,” I said. “But I think it can wait until you’re done typing your test.”
The smile on Yuu’s face faltered slightly. He probably had caught the frustration in my voice. “Alright, you can wait in the bedroom,” he said, nodding in assurance. “I’ll be done in a moment.”
===
I had been staring listlessly at the dark, almost starless sky outside the window when Yuu finally walked into the room. With a slight start I turned over in bed and was immediately met with Yuu’s solemn gaze. He sat down beside me, the bed’s surface dipped under the combination of our weights. I looked up at him; he was silent as if he already knew that something ugly would be brought forth tonight. But then I suppose it didn’t take a genius to be able to guess it from the way I had been behaving tonight.
“Are you okay?” Yuu asked; his voice dripping with concern.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered, not wanting to tell him the truth that I actually felt as horrible as one would after a completely fucked up day. “Come lay with me, Yuu.”
Yuu did what I asked him to do without a word, lying down next to me until we came face to face. He was worried, it was clear in his eyes. Seeing his concern the constricting feeling around my heart grew even stronger, more painful, but I knew no matter what I did it wouldn’t get any better. In fact, it would just get worse.
I took a deep breath and tried to quench the discomfort inside my chest. I need to do this. If I ever want to be sure about what I feel and, simultaneously, what I will have to do in the near future, I need to talk to Yuu right now.
“Yuu,” I began, still quite unsure of how to begin. “Before you told me that… you loved me, have you considered the consequences? I mean if we’re ever, you know, going to have a relationship or whatever?”
I saw a brief flicker of movement on Yuu’s brows before he answered my question.
“Of course,” he said. “I’ve thought of it long before you came to stay here.”
“Aren’t you afraid?” I asked further. “After what happened with Kazuki, aren’t you afraid that you’ll risk losing this-” My eyes rolled around to take the sight of the room, “-this life, your job, and everything else you’ve struggled to build for all these years?”
Unexpectedly, Yuu smiled. “If your question had come from Kazuki, and this had been in college some few years ago, I would have answered yes. Yes, I am afraid-in fact, I’m terrified. I can’t tell what the future brings and it’s scaring the shit out of me,” he said. “But you’re not him, and this is a completely different time. I am no longer burdened by the thought of disappointing my family-I’ve already done that long ago. Their opinion doesn’t matter to me anymore and I don’t have much else to worry about.
“The job, yes, there’s a risk of me losing it if the school board finds out what I’ve been doing with you. But to tell you the truth, I don’t really care what they might think or do. If it should ever come to the point where they have to release me from my position at the school, so be it. I don’t want to dwell on the thought of losing a career, or a life-like what you’ve just said; I can always build a new one somewhere else. Sure there will be more struggling to do, some adapting to overcome, but I’ve done that before; so why can’t I do it again?
“But on top of everything I will never be sorry for telling you I love you, Takanori, because I do. There’s no use denying my own feelings. But please don’t think too much of it. I have no intention to force you into having a relationship. I told you I love you just for the sake of letting you know how I feel.”
I took a moment to mull over Yuu’s words. It’s true that he hadn’t actually asked me for a response or anything after his unpredicted confession. I had always thought that it was an obligation for a person who had just received a confession to reply, either it was a yes or no; ‘yes, I love you too,’ or ‘no, sorry but I don’t love you the way you love me.’ That’s why I had been troubled by the thought of having to come up with an answer. I found it difficult because I wasn’t sure about how I felt. But now after Yuu explained, I knew that his confession was just an expression of fact; it needed to be let out but it didn’t require a response-not immediately, at least.
“But don’t you want me to tell you I love you too?” I asked slowly feeling rather bashful.
Yuu laughed. He probably didn’t mean to offend me, but still it wasn’t easy to stop myself from feeling slightly upset for being laughed at. “I’m sorry,” Yuu apologized quickly once he saw the look on my face. He kissed the tip of my nose gently, and somehow I forgot all about being offended.
“Yes, of course I want you to tell me you love me too,” he said. “I’ll be so happy, probably happier than I’ve ever been all my life, if you ever do say you love me.” The grin on his face eased into a gentle smile; there was also a hint of sadness lingering underneath his expression that I could not help but to notice. “But I am never going to pressure you into saying that, if the truth is you don’t love me. I’ve made the mistake of hoping too much for the person I loved to love me back as much as I did him; I can’t do that now. I can’t deal with the same pain ever again.”
Unavoidably my mind went through the story of Yuu and Kazuki, of how Kazuki had thrown everything that they had ever had between them in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t imagine the pain Yuu must have felt at that moment as he stared into Kazuki’s eyes and watched the man he loved crushing his hopes to pieces. It was logical that Yuu wouldn’t want to experience the same disappointment. No one would like to have their hopes ruined, or their trust betrayed.
I dare say I knew that reluctance, that doubt that he felt in letting anyone breach through his defenses and enter his heart; after all, wasn’t that the exact reason why I was having problems in trusting anyone throughout my whole life? I didn’t want to harbor any kind of hope if I could not see the outcome of it.
But then we’re human, aren’t we? Is it even possible to stop ourselves from hoping every once in a while?
My hand hovered upon Yuu’s chest before I placed it over his beating heart. I couldn’t see it with my own eyes, but I had an abstract idea of how maimed it was now after everything it had to endure. There must have been a lot of effort needed to heal it-if it had ever been healed at all. Taking that into consideration, what was I supposed to do now? Should I add another wound to an already broken heart? Was there anything I could do to help him mend it?
Right now it seemed I didn’t have any other choice but to carve a new scar onto his heart. The sooner I told him what I intended to tell him, the better. It would hurt him probably; but as they all said, make sure the crash is harsh and swift, and it will be over before you know it. Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and began speaking.
“Yuu, do you know Takashima Kouyou?”
Yuu nodded. “Of course I know him. I’ve seen you around him often.”
“Well, the thing is…” I paused, trying to find the right words to tell Yuu.
“He’s in love with you?” Yuu quipped.
I looked at him baffled. “How did you know that?”
“I didn’t know,” Yuu shrugged. “I just guessed.”
Yuu seemed to have put on that stolid face that I couldn’t read through. The tone of his voice didn’t reveal anything either. Was he, in any way, hurt in knowing about Uruha? But no matter how long I searched his face for a hint of emotion, all I could see was expectance and measured composure.
Well, I suppose since he had already guessed it, my only choice was to tell him the rest of the story.
“Yes, Kouyou loves me,” I continued, carefully watching Yuu’s face. “I just found out today. We had a little talk. He said he saw us at the convenience store last Saturday. He was angry, and I panicked; I thought he would be able to guess what was going on between us. So I had to tell him that you’re my uncle… well, half-uncle, since your brother is not really my father. I told him that you’re the one who had taken me in after I ran away from home.
“I explained who you were, but he was still angry. I didn’t understand what the hell was wrong with him. Why was he so upset just because I hadn’t told him about you being my uncle? I asked him that, and beyond my expectation, he told me why my secrecy bothered him… it was because he loved me.
“I ran away after he told me that. I don’t quite understand why… I guess I just couldn’t bear with the thought that the person I have always considered as my best friend was now in love with me. My friendship with him was one amongst some very few things in my life that I always treasured, but now, after he confessed, I felt like I’ve lost it.”
I tried to shrug the memory of Uruha and his untimely confession, but like a tumor it wouldn’t leave my brain. It was clinging to me stubbornly, forcing me to keep hearing his voice inside my head.
“The truth is, Yuu,” I continued slowly. “Before he ever told me he loved me, we’ve… he… it’s just… it’s really just a kiss-well, kisses, but…”
“Are you in love with him?” Yuu cut me off.
I found myself gaping; my mind suddenly went blank. Yuu had successfully blown everything I had carefully planned out to say by cutting me off in the middle of speaking. I wanted to protest, tell him he’s being rude for cutting me off while I was trying to talk, but seeing the look in his eyes, I couldn’t say anything.
But then what did I expect? I could have spent a lot of time telling Yuu all the details, every little thing that had happened between Uruha and me, but in the end, this was what it would all come to. Those days of confusion were headed down to this. The main question was forever there; more important than all the trivial little incidents that took place along the way.
Who did I love? Was it Uruha, or was it Yuu?
I scrunched my eyes closed feeling nauseated with the way my mind was whirling inside my head. The question might be simple, but finding the answer to that turned out to be far from simple. Why was it so hard for me to figure out my own feelings? It felt like trying to see through a nine-inch thick concrete wall with my bare eyes. I knew that both Yuu and Uruha were precious for me; that much was obvious. But who was more important than the other? Who would I trust my heart to?
“No, forget I asked, Taka,” Yuu said, wheeling me away from my own thoughts just as they were about to become very frustrating. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you-”
“No, no, you have the right to ask. I’m not being fair to you-to either of you. I should have made my choice.”
“That’s my point exactly, Takanori. You don’t have to make a choice, not if you don’t want to,” Yuu countered. “You see, back then, I was so certain that Kazuki would choose me over everything else, even his family and his future. All the promises we had spoken to one another made me confident that whatever happened, we were never going to be apart; he would never leave me. That was why I was so disappointed and brokenhearted when he did leave me. I was unprepared for that, and I felt like the whole world including the person I loved was participating in ruining my dreams; my vision of a perfect future. What I didn’t realize was that I had played a big part in disappointing myself.
“I had always believed that love meant that I had to possess that special person. It seemed like the most logical thing to do when you’re in love. I mean, isn’t it common perception that loving is possessing? But I was wrong. It was my selfishness taking hold of me, controlling my mind and my feelings, making me think I was doing the right thing when the truth is I wasn’t. I learned too late but now I know. Love is not about possessing, Takanori. Love is about sacrifice. Love is doing whatever you can to make sure your loved one is content and safe. Love is about having the courage to give up what you have, whatever it takes to ensure your loved one’s happiness.
“And that’s what makes love a very complicated thing to deal with,” he ended with a smile; a rather sad smile, at that. “But still, that doesn’t stop me from loving you.”
Something did a back-flip inside of me as a reaction to Yuu’s words. And suddenly I just couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to pull Yuu closer, and kiss him hard on the lips. I didn’t know what had spurred me to do that; I still wasn’t sure how I felt toward Yuu, but the things that he told me tonight moved something in me and made me realize just how far he would go for my sake.
“What will you give up for me, Yuu?” I asked breathlessly, gazing into his eyes.
“Everything,” he answered confidently. “I will even let you go, if that is really what it takes to make you happy.”
I scrunched my eyes tightly closed holding back the warmth that was threatening to spill out, and threw my cautions out the window. My lips found their way back onto Yuu’s lips, kissing him with the same rhythm that my heart was throbbing inside my chest. I felt like I was going to burst.
The first time Yuu told me he loved me, it had felt very overwhelming. He had made a great impact in me being the first person in my life who had ever told me he loved me-yes, I had never even heard my own family, or the people whom I had considered as my family, told me they loved me. Tonight, Yuu’s feelings crossed through a boundary I hadn’t realized existed until just now when he said he would give up everything for me. Confessing his love for me was one thing, but telling me what he would do for my sake was something else completely. It made me feel like he had reached deep down into me and grabbed a vicious hold of my heart, forcing it to pump frantically in order to keep me breathing.
I couldn’t foresee if he was serious about what he said; but I knew I would hate to see the day when he was faced with no other choice but to let me go for my sake. I had to admit that it was scary to think of how I would be able to survive without him. Despite having spent the first few months of our relationship-whatever kind of relationship it had been-thinking of him as nothing but an escape from loneliness and from Dad’s aggression, I realized that Yuu had become the only person I could count on. The only person I could trust.
How can you think I will be able to go on if you ever let me go to live on my own, Yuu?
With a sudden, unexplainable desperation I grabbed onto Yuu’s neck, pulling myself closer to him although there really wasn’t much air left between our bodies. He responded by taking a fierce grip on my waist, a rather obsessive gesture in my opinion, but I couldn’t find my will to complain. And then we kissed again, again, and again; all talk of Uruha became forgotten, and the sound of his voice that had been haunting me persistently was now pushed back into the back of my mind.
And that was when the phone rang.
I pulled back from Yuu, still panting, when I glared at the ringing object. An odd hunch, kind of like déjà-vu because I knew this had happened before, told me that it was Yutaka calling me. I had learned from many experiences that he had developed a funny habit of calling me at the most inappropriate moment. And tonight he had decided to call me out of impulse, just like in many chances before, most likely to talk about how I had been doing, and if Yuu had been taking care of me properly.
Gingerly I picked up the phone, and soon found my guess was accurate. It was Yutaka on the other end of the line. But he didn’t dial my number to ask me how I was doing.
Sounding flustered and shaky, Yutaka spoke. “Takanori, can you come over to the hospital? Mom is in ER right now.”
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: This took a while, huh? Sorry about that. Some e-mail problem occured. LOL~ Okay. Hopefully I can get some vigor back to write the next chapter. *gets shot* Hope you enjoy! ^^
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[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ]
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