Beautiful Lie [to Believe in] | 20/24 | AoixRuki, UruhaxRuki
Title: Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter: 20/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Theme: 045: Suicide Note (Janne de Arc)
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I'm sorry for all the trouble m(_ _)m
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: What happened to Takanori's Mom.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 20
The entire corridor elapsed in a blur; I couldn’t tell the difference between all the people I passed by, be it doctors, nurses, patients or visitors. The lamps over my head distorted into snake-like shapes of white lights, vanishing in the edge of my sight as quickly as I blinked. I kept on running ignoring the sounds of complaints directed at me. Right now I didn’t care if I was violating a dozen hospital rules; I just wanted to get to where I was headed as soon as possible.
I turned on a corner and suddenly realized that I didn’t have any idea where I was going. I stopped abruptly, looking around. I had never been in this hospital before so I wasn’t familiar with all these corridors or where they were leading to. But before I had a chance to panic, I felt someone touching my shoulder. Turning around I saw Yuu, and without a word, he grabbed my hand and led me forward. I sighed in relief thanking the gods that Yuu had insisted to come along to the hospital-because really, what would I do without him? I was a wreck deep inside; there were so many things going on in my head I could barely think clearly.
It turned out that the ICU wasn’t too hard to find. It would have been easier to get there and a shorter walk if we had gone in from the ER but since we had taken the visitor’s entrance, we had to go through all those corridors to reach it. What I had failed to notice was the signs installed at strategic places, like intersections and the walls in the corridors. I was too busy with my own worries to read all those directions and understand what they meant.
We stopped right in front of a door. On the door were painted large white letters, ‘Intensive Care Unit’. I knew Yutaka had informed me earlier that Mom had been stabilized when they moved her from ER to the ICU, but that didn’t stop me from feeling so worried. My heart was throbbing so fast inside my chest it actually hurt. I didn’t know what to expect if I opened that door and walked inside-I didn’t know if I could handle the impact of knowing what had really happened. What if it was bad? What if it was really, really bad? What if Mom was seriously hurt? What if she’s-
“Come on,” Yuu tugged my hand, drawing me away from my mounting worries. He smiled gently, which I took as his way to encourage me. I knew he couldn’t promise me anything-being just as clueless as I was-but at least he would give me the support I needed.
We walked through the door and entered a corridor that smelled distinctly of disinfectants and a faint hint of lemony fragrance. I cringed suddenly missing the moldy but homely smell of Yuu’s room. I didn’t know why they had to make a hospital seem so unwelcoming, but then maybe it was just me. I was so tense I couldn’t possibly feel comfortable here or anywhere else in the world.
Passing through the white-walled corridor, I tried to guess where and in which room I could find Mom. I contemplated on giving Yutaka a call but before I had time to reach into my pocket to get my phone, I saw Yutaka a few feet ahead. He was standing with his back against the wall, beckoning us over the distance. I let go of Yuu’s hand and strutted ahead feeling anxious to know what exactly had happened.
“Takanori,” Yutaka hugged me briefly and nodded toward Yuu. “You got here pretty quickly.”
“Yeah,” I replied, not wishing to reveal to my brother the rather maniacal way Yuu had driven us all the way from home to the hospital. “What happened to Mom, Yutaka?”
“She’s…” Yutaka took a deep breath-I had only noticed how shaky he was-before he continued, “I found her unconscious in front on the TV. I thought she had been drinking too much. Lately she couldn’t stay away from her stash of liquor, so inevitably my first suspicion was that she had gotten too drunk to get herself to bed and had passed out in the living room instead. But she wouldn’t wake up or react no matter what I did to rouse her. And then… and then I saw her bottle of sleeping pills right next to her. It was empty.”
I felt a cold dread running down my spine as I listened to Yutaka’s explanation. What was Mom thinking? The words ‘overdosed’ and ‘attempted suicide’ nagged at my brain, but I did what I could to ignore them. It’s not the first time since I was a child that I was bothered with worries over what Mom would do or if she was edging too close to her limits. There were times when I feared Mom would finally give up on her life and try to end it. Life with Dad in the same house had not been easy for either of us. I had managed to survive by finding the nearest escape which coincidentally happened to be Yuu; but Mom… All she had were her bottles of liquor and her sleeping pills. She had no one she could turn to, especially since Yutaka was busy with his internship that he had just started earlier this year.
However difficult life had been for all of us in that house, I had continuously refused to believe that Mom would abandon us, her children, and try to kill herself. I had always thought that whatever happened she would be there, whether she’d be drunk or sober; her presence a reminder that I would not be alone despite everything that Dad put me through. That was before I moved out and lived with Yuu, but the truth is back then I had always been constantly afraid of Mom leaving me alone to deal with Dad’s torture.
Is that the case this time? Has she finally given up now that I am out of the house? Has Dad pushed her far enough to the edge?
At the thought, anger boiled slowly inside my head, but before it got the chance to grow too hot, distraction came in the form of a middle aged man walking out of the ICU. I immediately turned my full attention to this stern-faced man. I didn’t have to ask if he was a doctor; the white blazer he was wearing confirmed my guess without me having to say it out loud.
“Matsumoto Mayumi’s family?” the man asked straight forwardly.
All three of us confirmed, even Yuu. The Doctor nodded. He didn’t look like the type of guy who would do chitchats before getting down to business. I seriously hoped he would tell us soon what had become of my Mom.
“I am Doctor Amano, the one in charge of Matsumoto-san,” the man introduced himself while we listened anxiously. “Her condition is stable for the moment, but she still needs some time to recover before she can be admitted out of the hospital.”
He eyed us quietly for a moment-I could almost see his mind going over many possibilities that might have caused Mom to have gotten herself in her current condition. Fortunately he didn’t say a word even if he did suspect anything unusual in the way we behaved.
He continued, “We have managed to wash out the contents of her stomach. Luckily she was brought in fast so we could treat her before the drugs’ effect took over; otherwise we would be dealing with a different case by now.”
I heard a distinct tone in Doctor Amano’s voice that told me I would have been standing here listening to bad news if only Yutaka had gone home a few hours too late. I gave Yutaka a fleeting look; he looked too distressed to acknowledge me looking at him. But I knew he was also relieved that Mom was no longer in fatal danger.
“You can come in and see her,” said Doctor Amano. “But make sure you don’t wake her up if she’s asleep.”
“How long does she need to stay here, Doctor?” Yutaka asked.
“Two or three days, probably,” the Doctor answered, “Depends on whether or not she responds to the treatment we give her. Personally I think she will be just fine.” He paused for a moment staring at us sternly before he continued, “However, I do suggest a rehabilitation program or therapy to get her off of her addiction. This can happen again in the future, and under a more unfortunate situation, if you don’t put a stop to it.”
Doctor Amano might have not used a harsh tone, but I still felt like he had just scolded me. Being scolded by someone you were not familiar with always felt harder than if it had been by someone you actually knew. What made it felt even worse was that this man was an expert, a doctor; he knew what he was talking about. He wasn’t just trying to scare us. If this happened again, there was no guarantee that Mom would make it out alright.
Can we gamble with our mother’s life? No, no matter how awful she has been as a mother, she is still our mother. We can’t just let her destroy herself like this.
I looked at Yutaka, and as if in cue, he turned and looked at me. Neither of us said anything but I could tell that he was thinking the same thing as I was. It would not be easy to get Mom to a rehabilitation program; not because she would refuse, but because it would be useless. She had been using alcohol and sedatives as her way out from Dad and from all the problems he had caused in the house. As long as she was still sharing the same place with Dad, I didn’t think any kind of rehabilitation program would do any good.
She needed to move out of the house-or to get Dad to leave the house. Either choice sounded impossible to me right now.
But that was a problem we had to think about later, once we made sure Mom was alright and that she could leave the hospital without further problems. Not wasting another minute lingering on the corridor, we followed Doctor Amano inside. And in the room lying unmoving on the bed, was Mom.
I couldn’t really describe how I felt the moment I walked into the room and saw her with my own eyes. It had not been that long since the last time I saw her, which was the day when I took off from home. That was a month ago, more or less, but in such a short moment she had changed quite a lot. The first thing I couldn’t help but notice was that she had gotten much skinnier than how I remembered her to be. I was scared to think of how much weight she had lost since the day I left home. She also looked paler now, as if all colors had drained off of her face and body. Her skin was like used oil paper, white, wrinkled and nearly transparent. She had dark shadows under her eyes that told me of those sleepless nights she had gone through.
The feeling was complex; somewhere between anger, sadness, and regret. It was like someone had just reached deep into my chest and crushed my heart inside their grip. It hurt, but in the same time I knew I couldn’t have done anything to prevent whatever had happened to her.
Yutaka approached the bed while I lingered close to the door. I didn’t know why but my legs couldn’t seem to move. I knew I wanted to check on Mom, but at the same time I didn’t think I was ready to face the true severity of the situation. It was almost like being forced to open my eyes and see reality when all I really wanted was to keep dreaming.
For the past few weeks I had been living in a completely different world than the one I used to live in; a world that only consisted of Yuu and me. This was a peaceful world we’re living in, where I didn’t have to worry about anyone coming to drag me out of my room and beat the hell out of me. Mom was, quite unfortunately, not a part of this world.
It was so difficult because whenever I saw Mom, I would immediately associate her with the house she came from, the house where I had spent almost all my life being abused and ignored. I wanted to erase those days; I wanted to get rid of everything that would possibly remind me of my pain and tears. It was regrettable that Mom had also become one I had been trying to avoid coming close to. I knew this made me sound like an ungrateful child, considering that she is my mother no matter what had happened between us. She had carried me in her womb for nine months and had risked her life giving birth to me. Despite so, I still couldn’t control how my mind would automatically shut off all thoughts about that house-including Dad, Mom, and everything that had happened there.
I felt my nerves jolt when someone touched my back. I turned to see Yuu; his eyes were radiating with concern and empathy. He didn’t say a word but I could easily read the words swarming his mind.
“I know,” I sighed. “I just need a moment… It’s been a while, you know?”
Yuu nodded in understanding. His hand on my back was rubbing me gently; giving me the encouragement I needed without making his effort seem pushy.
He let go of me when I finally found some courage and moved forward. I almost wished that he would stay by my side, accompany me to face my own mother, but then I realized that would be silly. This was one matter into which I couldn’t drag Yuu along with me. This was something I had to deal with all by myself.
Doctor Amano excused himself from the room leaving us with a word or two regarding the hospital rules about guests who wished to stay over. I was standing two feet away from the bed, eyeing Yutaka who was busy fussing over Mom’s hair-as if she would give a damn about how she looked like at the moment. Yutaka, sensing my presence behind him, turned around.
“Come, Takanori,” he beckoned softly. “She misses you, you know.”
Something clenched around my heart tightly when I heard what Yutaka said. Was he joking? I couldn’t think of any reason why he would crack up a joke at a time like this. But what he said, to take it seriously was not something I could do very easily. I couldn’t let go of the memories of how Mom had been treating me while we were still living in the same house-she had practically acted as if I was a bug that she would rather bat at or ignore completely. There had been moments when I thought she cared, like when I was younger and she would check up on me after Dad had punished me. She would bring me food or just stand there by the door in silence. She would be staring at me with a look in her eyes that I could never read, but whatever she did she had never said a word to comfort me. But as I grew older and as Dad’s torment had gotten harsher, she had stopped doing that. She had put up a distance between us that I could not cross, making me think that I had been mistaken thinking that she ever cared at all.
“I…” I stuttered doubtfully, but before I could manage saying another word, the person on the bed stirred.
“Taka…” Mom’s voice was faint and breathless, but there was no way I could have missed hearing my name leaving her mouth.
I felt like all of a sudden every single muscle in my body ceased to function. I stepped closer to the bed before I could stop myself, and the next thing I knew I was standing right next to the bed, my eyes unblinkingly staring at Mom’s face.
“Takanori…” Mom murmured again, her eyelids fluttering weakly.
I took a quick glance to the side to where Yutaka was. He gave me an encouraging smile and patted my shoulder. And then I looked across the room to Yuu. He too nodded to assure me that it would be alright. I bit my lip uncertain if their support would really give me the courage I needed, but I proceeded anyways.
It took almost all of my willpower just to let out my voice. “Yes, Mom.”
Her reaction was fast, as if the sound of my voice had shocked her. She opened her eyes wide and her hand rose up shakily toward me. I took her hand and held it; it felt so cold, so lack of vigor.
It was unnerving, to say the least, to be looking into her eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I was staring at her so closely like I was doing now. I had never had the guts to come too close to her, fearing I would only annoy her with my presence. Now it seemed as if I was holding the hand of a person I hadn’t met for a very long time, a person I had longed to be close to.
“Takanori,” she repeated, seeming as if she couldn’t believe I was truly there before her.
“I’m right here, Mom,” I convinced her. She suddenly made a move to rise from the bed, but I hurriedly stopped her. “Please don’t get up. You need to rest.”
With a slight discomfort showing on her face, she did what I told her to do. She lay back down on the bed but she didn’t let go of my hand. In fact, I felt her clutching me even tighter. For a moment I was afraid that she would pull me, slap my face, and yell at me. How dare I show my face before her now after I disappeared without a word?
But she didn’t do anything that I feared she would do. Seconds passed and she was still staring at me, clutching my hand. I myself wished I knew what to do; after all these years I thought I had a million things I would want to ask her, but now that I actually had the chance to, my mind was blank. I couldn’t find anything to say, not even one question even though I had been wondering how she had been after I left.
Neither of us said anything for at least a whole minute. Just when I began thinking that I should let go and step back, she finally spoke up.
“I’m sorry, Takanori,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart could not help but break at hearing her words. Something hot and unbearable bubbled up my throat, suffocating me.
Is this really happening? Or am I just dreaming again?
I had lost count of how many times exactly I woke up from a dream where Mom was talking to me, holding my hand like this. After all this time, I had given up hope that such an event would happen, but here I was with her. And the first thing she said to me just had to be an apology.
Tears melted down my cheeks without me being able to hold them back. The pressure in my chest grew so great I could no longer contain it, and the next thing I knew I was sobbing. I was sobbing so hard I would have found it embarrassing if I had been able to see myself.
“Yes, go on, my boy,” Mom whispered, “I at least deserve this. I deserve much, much more from you.”
I didn’t know if it was her words that prompted me to or if these tears had been long overdue, but I cried so hard like I had never cried before. It was as if the dam that had contained all this pain inside had fallen apart, and now its content had spilled forth, flooding the whole place. I put my hand over my face stupidly thinking I could block the tears somehow but they overflowed and streamed down my face, wetting my jacket.
I should stop crying. I should say something. I’m sorry Mom, I really didn’t mean to come here and cry before you. I need to stop… I want to stop; but I can’t.
It took quite some time until I finally managed to stop crying. When the sobbing subsided, I brought down my hand and suddenly felt so self-conscious; with the sleeve of my jacket, I tried to wipe my face clean. Apparently I wasn’t doing a very good job because when I looked at Yuu he was smirking. I quickly averted my eyes to Mom while quietly making an oath to myself that I would give Yuu a piece of my mind when we got home later.
The look on Mom’s face brought me back to the situation at hand. She looked so broken and so sad, simply looking at her made me feel like a large chunk of my heart was being ripped away from me by force. I wanted to reach out and hold her, but I wasn’t sure if she’d appreciate me doing that. After all, we hadn’t had what you would call a normal mother-and-son relationship. In the end I only stood there still holding her hand not knowing what to do or say.
But it turned out I didn’t have to worry about what to say, because Mom had a few to say for herself.
“Takanori, my son,” she began; her voice sounded so frail as if she hadn’t used it for ages. “Apologies alone can’t be enough, not to compensate all the things I’ve put you through. I can understand if you blame me for everything, or even if you hate me. You must hate me. God, even I hate myself…”
I wanted to argue her; in all honesty I didn’t blame her, and I certainly did not hate her. There was never once when I thought Mom was the cause of all my misery. I had always believed that it was me and no one else’s fault-I just didn’t belong in that house. Mom couldn’t have been responsible for how Dad felt about me, or at least that’s what I had always thought. It was quite a surprise to find out that Mom had been suffering from this self-hatred, up to the point where she had nearly gotten herself killed.
“From the moment I knew I was carrying you in my womb, I could already tell bad things were about to happen,” Mom continued. “But I couldn’t just let you go… You’re my baby, there’s no way I could give up on you. I took my chances and kept you even though my family mocked me and he-Yutaka’s father-threatened to leave me.
“I had no idea… it was just beyond me that he would divert all his hatred and grudge toward you, Takanori. You were just a baby when the torment began. At first I thought he was just trying to punish me by hurting you, but as time went by it became a habit to him. He started with small, easy-to-miss incidents that didn’t leave any mark, but gradually these incidents became harder to ignore.
“I wanted to stop him from hurting you from the very beginning. I wanted to say something because you didn’t deserve the way he treated you. But when I tried, he said… he said he would get rid of you. He would take you away from me. What was I supposed to do then? I didn’t want to lose you…
“So I started to make some distance from you,” she kept on going; her voice sounded heavy. “I know it might not be the wisest thing that a mother should do to her son but I was totally out of ideas. I thought that maybe if I acted ignorant, my husband would tire himself out. But I was wrong. God I was so wrong. He never stopped; he just kept on hurting you and I couldn’t say a thing against it for fear of him sending you away. I didn’t realize it back then that getting you out of the house was probably the best choice I got if I really wanted to keep you safe…”
Mom’s words were cut off as she began to choke up crying. I instantly forgot all about being hesitant and bent over the bed to try to soothe her down.
“Don’t cry, Mom,” I whispered, unsure if I could trust my voice to speak out loud. I ran my hand through her hair; my heart ached from watching the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Mom is crying, I thought. Mom is crying for me. I had never thought I would live to see the day that this was happening. I didn’t mean that it was a pleasant kind of feeling to see my mother crying for me, but at least now I could see that she actually cared for me; cared enough to say the things that she just said, and cared enough to cry the way she was crying at the moment. Before tonight, the image I had had of my mother had been an aloof, untouchable woman that I could only respect but not love. I had always been afraid just to approach her, let alone to talk to her about anything. I had grown up learning how to live without being dependant toward anyone, not even my parents.
Tonight it was as if someone had shed a different light so that I could see Mom’s true face; the face that she had kept hidden under a mask for as long as I had known her. I was grateful that I could finally see this side of her; somehow it made the pain that resided inside my heart a lot easier to bear with.
“You look healthier than I’ve seen for a while,” Mom said all of a sudden. Her eyes studied me slowly. “… Healthier and happier.”
“Well…” I unconsciously shifted my gaze toward Yuu. My mind was telling me that if I was really healthy or happy then it was all because of Yuu. I might not have been completely aware of it most of the times, but life was a lot easier ever since I was living with Yuu. I had been eating properly, sleeping well, and I certainly hadn’t had to be afraid someone might come and kick my stomach for something I might have done wrong.
“Ah, Yuu-kun,” Mom’s voice drew my attention back to her. She seemed to have noticed Yuu’s presence in the room and, not so subtly, understanding dawned on her face. “Thank you for taking care of Takanori,” she said to my surprise.
“No problem,” Yuu replied, smiling. “Your son has been the best company I could ever ask for.”
===
Twenty minutes after nine, Doctor Amano reentered the room. He hadn’t said a word but I knew he was here to remind us that Mom still needed her rest. I felt like he was invading our privacy; our conversation hadn’t exactly progressed after Mom made her apology, but even if we weren’t saying anything I felt like we were sharing more than what we had ever shared before in our lives. It was the first time that I felt comfortable being in the presence of my mother, as opposed to the fear I used to feel whenever she came near. It was the first time since a long while that I felt at peace; and I wished the doctor hadn’t barged in to ruin it.
However, I knew that it was for my mother’s own good. Reluctantly I took my leave after I greeted her good night, asked her to get some rest, and promised her to come again tomorrow. I had wanted to stay over but since tomorrow both Yuu and I had to go to school, I couldn’t. Yutaka said he would call the company and ask for a leave so that he could stay and accompany Mom tonight.
I tried not to feel too bitter as Yutaka walked us to the door, leaving Doctor Amano in the room to check up on Mom’s condition.
“Takanori,” Yutaka stopped me right after we got to the corridor. “About Mitsui… I haven’t-well, you see, with all this chaos going on, there really was no time for me to think about her, let alone make contact with her. I know I promised you, and I really don’t want her to cause anymore trouble for you. I’m sorry…”
I smiled. “It’s okay. Don’t fret too much about it. It’s not like anything is going to happen tomorrow, right?”
I walked away from Yutaka trying not to think about what he had just told me and how I had responded. Probably that was overconfident of me to brush off the notice so easily; but then at the moment there was Mom to think about and she seemed much more important than whatever Mitsui was planning to do. After all, the girl hadn’t shown me any sign that she was actually serious about her threat, apart from the photo she had sent to my phone and the conversation we had shared in the cafeteria a few days ago.
That night at the hospital, I had no idea how doomed I was. I had absolutely no idea.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: 21 will be up soon (I hope). Ahahahah~
Previous:
[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ] [ Chapter 19 ]
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Chapter: 20/24
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Theme: 045: Suicide Note (Janne de Arc)
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥ I'm sorry for all the trouble m(_ _)m
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: What happened to Takanori's Mom.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 20
The entire corridor elapsed in a blur; I couldn’t tell the difference between all the people I passed by, be it doctors, nurses, patients or visitors. The lamps over my head distorted into snake-like shapes of white lights, vanishing in the edge of my sight as quickly as I blinked. I kept on running ignoring the sounds of complaints directed at me. Right now I didn’t care if I was violating a dozen hospital rules; I just wanted to get to where I was headed as soon as possible.
I turned on a corner and suddenly realized that I didn’t have any idea where I was going. I stopped abruptly, looking around. I had never been in this hospital before so I wasn’t familiar with all these corridors or where they were leading to. But before I had a chance to panic, I felt someone touching my shoulder. Turning around I saw Yuu, and without a word, he grabbed my hand and led me forward. I sighed in relief thanking the gods that Yuu had insisted to come along to the hospital-because really, what would I do without him? I was a wreck deep inside; there were so many things going on in my head I could barely think clearly.
It turned out that the ICU wasn’t too hard to find. It would have been easier to get there and a shorter walk if we had gone in from the ER but since we had taken the visitor’s entrance, we had to go through all those corridors to reach it. What I had failed to notice was the signs installed at strategic places, like intersections and the walls in the corridors. I was too busy with my own worries to read all those directions and understand what they meant.
We stopped right in front of a door. On the door were painted large white letters, ‘Intensive Care Unit’. I knew Yutaka had informed me earlier that Mom had been stabilized when they moved her from ER to the ICU, but that didn’t stop me from feeling so worried. My heart was throbbing so fast inside my chest it actually hurt. I didn’t know what to expect if I opened that door and walked inside-I didn’t know if I could handle the impact of knowing what had really happened. What if it was bad? What if it was really, really bad? What if Mom was seriously hurt? What if she’s-
“Come on,” Yuu tugged my hand, drawing me away from my mounting worries. He smiled gently, which I took as his way to encourage me. I knew he couldn’t promise me anything-being just as clueless as I was-but at least he would give me the support I needed.
We walked through the door and entered a corridor that smelled distinctly of disinfectants and a faint hint of lemony fragrance. I cringed suddenly missing the moldy but homely smell of Yuu’s room. I didn’t know why they had to make a hospital seem so unwelcoming, but then maybe it was just me. I was so tense I couldn’t possibly feel comfortable here or anywhere else in the world.
Passing through the white-walled corridor, I tried to guess where and in which room I could find Mom. I contemplated on giving Yutaka a call but before I had time to reach into my pocket to get my phone, I saw Yutaka a few feet ahead. He was standing with his back against the wall, beckoning us over the distance. I let go of Yuu’s hand and strutted ahead feeling anxious to know what exactly had happened.
“Takanori,” Yutaka hugged me briefly and nodded toward Yuu. “You got here pretty quickly.”
“Yeah,” I replied, not wishing to reveal to my brother the rather maniacal way Yuu had driven us all the way from home to the hospital. “What happened to Mom, Yutaka?”
“She’s…” Yutaka took a deep breath-I had only noticed how shaky he was-before he continued, “I found her unconscious in front on the TV. I thought she had been drinking too much. Lately she couldn’t stay away from her stash of liquor, so inevitably my first suspicion was that she had gotten too drunk to get herself to bed and had passed out in the living room instead. But she wouldn’t wake up or react no matter what I did to rouse her. And then… and then I saw her bottle of sleeping pills right next to her. It was empty.”
I felt a cold dread running down my spine as I listened to Yutaka’s explanation. What was Mom thinking? The words ‘overdosed’ and ‘attempted suicide’ nagged at my brain, but I did what I could to ignore them. It’s not the first time since I was a child that I was bothered with worries over what Mom would do or if she was edging too close to her limits. There were times when I feared Mom would finally give up on her life and try to end it. Life with Dad in the same house had not been easy for either of us. I had managed to survive by finding the nearest escape which coincidentally happened to be Yuu; but Mom… All she had were her bottles of liquor and her sleeping pills. She had no one she could turn to, especially since Yutaka was busy with his internship that he had just started earlier this year.
However difficult life had been for all of us in that house, I had continuously refused to believe that Mom would abandon us, her children, and try to kill herself. I had always thought that whatever happened she would be there, whether she’d be drunk or sober; her presence a reminder that I would not be alone despite everything that Dad put me through. That was before I moved out and lived with Yuu, but the truth is back then I had always been constantly afraid of Mom leaving me alone to deal with Dad’s torture.
Is that the case this time? Has she finally given up now that I am out of the house? Has Dad pushed her far enough to the edge?
At the thought, anger boiled slowly inside my head, but before it got the chance to grow too hot, distraction came in the form of a middle aged man walking out of the ICU. I immediately turned my full attention to this stern-faced man. I didn’t have to ask if he was a doctor; the white blazer he was wearing confirmed my guess without me having to say it out loud.
“Matsumoto Mayumi’s family?” the man asked straight forwardly.
All three of us confirmed, even Yuu. The Doctor nodded. He didn’t look like the type of guy who would do chitchats before getting down to business. I seriously hoped he would tell us soon what had become of my Mom.
“I am Doctor Amano, the one in charge of Matsumoto-san,” the man introduced himself while we listened anxiously. “Her condition is stable for the moment, but she still needs some time to recover before she can be admitted out of the hospital.”
He eyed us quietly for a moment-I could almost see his mind going over many possibilities that might have caused Mom to have gotten herself in her current condition. Fortunately he didn’t say a word even if he did suspect anything unusual in the way we behaved.
He continued, “We have managed to wash out the contents of her stomach. Luckily she was brought in fast so we could treat her before the drugs’ effect took over; otherwise we would be dealing with a different case by now.”
I heard a distinct tone in Doctor Amano’s voice that told me I would have been standing here listening to bad news if only Yutaka had gone home a few hours too late. I gave Yutaka a fleeting look; he looked too distressed to acknowledge me looking at him. But I knew he was also relieved that Mom was no longer in fatal danger.
“You can come in and see her,” said Doctor Amano. “But make sure you don’t wake her up if she’s asleep.”
“How long does she need to stay here, Doctor?” Yutaka asked.
“Two or three days, probably,” the Doctor answered, “Depends on whether or not she responds to the treatment we give her. Personally I think she will be just fine.” He paused for a moment staring at us sternly before he continued, “However, I do suggest a rehabilitation program or therapy to get her off of her addiction. This can happen again in the future, and under a more unfortunate situation, if you don’t put a stop to it.”
Doctor Amano might have not used a harsh tone, but I still felt like he had just scolded me. Being scolded by someone you were not familiar with always felt harder than if it had been by someone you actually knew. What made it felt even worse was that this man was an expert, a doctor; he knew what he was talking about. He wasn’t just trying to scare us. If this happened again, there was no guarantee that Mom would make it out alright.
Can we gamble with our mother’s life? No, no matter how awful she has been as a mother, she is still our mother. We can’t just let her destroy herself like this.
I looked at Yutaka, and as if in cue, he turned and looked at me. Neither of us said anything but I could tell that he was thinking the same thing as I was. It would not be easy to get Mom to a rehabilitation program; not because she would refuse, but because it would be useless. She had been using alcohol and sedatives as her way out from Dad and from all the problems he had caused in the house. As long as she was still sharing the same place with Dad, I didn’t think any kind of rehabilitation program would do any good.
She needed to move out of the house-or to get Dad to leave the house. Either choice sounded impossible to me right now.
But that was a problem we had to think about later, once we made sure Mom was alright and that she could leave the hospital without further problems. Not wasting another minute lingering on the corridor, we followed Doctor Amano inside. And in the room lying unmoving on the bed, was Mom.
I couldn’t really describe how I felt the moment I walked into the room and saw her with my own eyes. It had not been that long since the last time I saw her, which was the day when I took off from home. That was a month ago, more or less, but in such a short moment she had changed quite a lot. The first thing I couldn’t help but notice was that she had gotten much skinnier than how I remembered her to be. I was scared to think of how much weight she had lost since the day I left home. She also looked paler now, as if all colors had drained off of her face and body. Her skin was like used oil paper, white, wrinkled and nearly transparent. She had dark shadows under her eyes that told me of those sleepless nights she had gone through.
The feeling was complex; somewhere between anger, sadness, and regret. It was like someone had just reached deep into my chest and crushed my heart inside their grip. It hurt, but in the same time I knew I couldn’t have done anything to prevent whatever had happened to her.
Yutaka approached the bed while I lingered close to the door. I didn’t know why but my legs couldn’t seem to move. I knew I wanted to check on Mom, but at the same time I didn’t think I was ready to face the true severity of the situation. It was almost like being forced to open my eyes and see reality when all I really wanted was to keep dreaming.
For the past few weeks I had been living in a completely different world than the one I used to live in; a world that only consisted of Yuu and me. This was a peaceful world we’re living in, where I didn’t have to worry about anyone coming to drag me out of my room and beat the hell out of me. Mom was, quite unfortunately, not a part of this world.
It was so difficult because whenever I saw Mom, I would immediately associate her with the house she came from, the house where I had spent almost all my life being abused and ignored. I wanted to erase those days; I wanted to get rid of everything that would possibly remind me of my pain and tears. It was regrettable that Mom had also become one I had been trying to avoid coming close to. I knew this made me sound like an ungrateful child, considering that she is my mother no matter what had happened between us. She had carried me in her womb for nine months and had risked her life giving birth to me. Despite so, I still couldn’t control how my mind would automatically shut off all thoughts about that house-including Dad, Mom, and everything that had happened there.
I felt my nerves jolt when someone touched my back. I turned to see Yuu; his eyes were radiating with concern and empathy. He didn’t say a word but I could easily read the words swarming his mind.
“I know,” I sighed. “I just need a moment… It’s been a while, you know?”
Yuu nodded in understanding. His hand on my back was rubbing me gently; giving me the encouragement I needed without making his effort seem pushy.
He let go of me when I finally found some courage and moved forward. I almost wished that he would stay by my side, accompany me to face my own mother, but then I realized that would be silly. This was one matter into which I couldn’t drag Yuu along with me. This was something I had to deal with all by myself.
Doctor Amano excused himself from the room leaving us with a word or two regarding the hospital rules about guests who wished to stay over. I was standing two feet away from the bed, eyeing Yutaka who was busy fussing over Mom’s hair-as if she would give a damn about how she looked like at the moment. Yutaka, sensing my presence behind him, turned around.
“Come, Takanori,” he beckoned softly. “She misses you, you know.”
Something clenched around my heart tightly when I heard what Yutaka said. Was he joking? I couldn’t think of any reason why he would crack up a joke at a time like this. But what he said, to take it seriously was not something I could do very easily. I couldn’t let go of the memories of how Mom had been treating me while we were still living in the same house-she had practically acted as if I was a bug that she would rather bat at or ignore completely. There had been moments when I thought she cared, like when I was younger and she would check up on me after Dad had punished me. She would bring me food or just stand there by the door in silence. She would be staring at me with a look in her eyes that I could never read, but whatever she did she had never said a word to comfort me. But as I grew older and as Dad’s torment had gotten harsher, she had stopped doing that. She had put up a distance between us that I could not cross, making me think that I had been mistaken thinking that she ever cared at all.
“I…” I stuttered doubtfully, but before I could manage saying another word, the person on the bed stirred.
“Taka…” Mom’s voice was faint and breathless, but there was no way I could have missed hearing my name leaving her mouth.
I felt like all of a sudden every single muscle in my body ceased to function. I stepped closer to the bed before I could stop myself, and the next thing I knew I was standing right next to the bed, my eyes unblinkingly staring at Mom’s face.
“Takanori…” Mom murmured again, her eyelids fluttering weakly.
I took a quick glance to the side to where Yutaka was. He gave me an encouraging smile and patted my shoulder. And then I looked across the room to Yuu. He too nodded to assure me that it would be alright. I bit my lip uncertain if their support would really give me the courage I needed, but I proceeded anyways.
It took almost all of my willpower just to let out my voice. “Yes, Mom.”
Her reaction was fast, as if the sound of my voice had shocked her. She opened her eyes wide and her hand rose up shakily toward me. I took her hand and held it; it felt so cold, so lack of vigor.
It was unnerving, to say the least, to be looking into her eyes. I couldn’t remember the last time I was staring at her so closely like I was doing now. I had never had the guts to come too close to her, fearing I would only annoy her with my presence. Now it seemed as if I was holding the hand of a person I hadn’t met for a very long time, a person I had longed to be close to.
“Takanori,” she repeated, seeming as if she couldn’t believe I was truly there before her.
“I’m right here, Mom,” I convinced her. She suddenly made a move to rise from the bed, but I hurriedly stopped her. “Please don’t get up. You need to rest.”
With a slight discomfort showing on her face, she did what I told her to do. She lay back down on the bed but she didn’t let go of my hand. In fact, I felt her clutching me even tighter. For a moment I was afraid that she would pull me, slap my face, and yell at me. How dare I show my face before her now after I disappeared without a word?
But she didn’t do anything that I feared she would do. Seconds passed and she was still staring at me, clutching my hand. I myself wished I knew what to do; after all these years I thought I had a million things I would want to ask her, but now that I actually had the chance to, my mind was blank. I couldn’t find anything to say, not even one question even though I had been wondering how she had been after I left.
Neither of us said anything for at least a whole minute. Just when I began thinking that I should let go and step back, she finally spoke up.
“I’m sorry, Takanori,” she said. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart could not help but break at hearing her words. Something hot and unbearable bubbled up my throat, suffocating me.
Is this really happening? Or am I just dreaming again?
I had lost count of how many times exactly I woke up from a dream where Mom was talking to me, holding my hand like this. After all this time, I had given up hope that such an event would happen, but here I was with her. And the first thing she said to me just had to be an apology.
Tears melted down my cheeks without me being able to hold them back. The pressure in my chest grew so great I could no longer contain it, and the next thing I knew I was sobbing. I was sobbing so hard I would have found it embarrassing if I had been able to see myself.
“Yes, go on, my boy,” Mom whispered, “I at least deserve this. I deserve much, much more from you.”
I didn’t know if it was her words that prompted me to or if these tears had been long overdue, but I cried so hard like I had never cried before. It was as if the dam that had contained all this pain inside had fallen apart, and now its content had spilled forth, flooding the whole place. I put my hand over my face stupidly thinking I could block the tears somehow but they overflowed and streamed down my face, wetting my jacket.
I should stop crying. I should say something. I’m sorry Mom, I really didn’t mean to come here and cry before you. I need to stop… I want to stop; but I can’t.
It took quite some time until I finally managed to stop crying. When the sobbing subsided, I brought down my hand and suddenly felt so self-conscious; with the sleeve of my jacket, I tried to wipe my face clean. Apparently I wasn’t doing a very good job because when I looked at Yuu he was smirking. I quickly averted my eyes to Mom while quietly making an oath to myself that I would give Yuu a piece of my mind when we got home later.
The look on Mom’s face brought me back to the situation at hand. She looked so broken and so sad, simply looking at her made me feel like a large chunk of my heart was being ripped away from me by force. I wanted to reach out and hold her, but I wasn’t sure if she’d appreciate me doing that. After all, we hadn’t had what you would call a normal mother-and-son relationship. In the end I only stood there still holding her hand not knowing what to do or say.
But it turned out I didn’t have to worry about what to say, because Mom had a few to say for herself.
“Takanori, my son,” she began; her voice sounded so frail as if she hadn’t used it for ages. “Apologies alone can’t be enough, not to compensate all the things I’ve put you through. I can understand if you blame me for everything, or even if you hate me. You must hate me. God, even I hate myself…”
I wanted to argue her; in all honesty I didn’t blame her, and I certainly did not hate her. There was never once when I thought Mom was the cause of all my misery. I had always believed that it was me and no one else’s fault-I just didn’t belong in that house. Mom couldn’t have been responsible for how Dad felt about me, or at least that’s what I had always thought. It was quite a surprise to find out that Mom had been suffering from this self-hatred, up to the point where she had nearly gotten herself killed.
“From the moment I knew I was carrying you in my womb, I could already tell bad things were about to happen,” Mom continued. “But I couldn’t just let you go… You’re my baby, there’s no way I could give up on you. I took my chances and kept you even though my family mocked me and he-Yutaka’s father-threatened to leave me.
“I had no idea… it was just beyond me that he would divert all his hatred and grudge toward you, Takanori. You were just a baby when the torment began. At first I thought he was just trying to punish me by hurting you, but as time went by it became a habit to him. He started with small, easy-to-miss incidents that didn’t leave any mark, but gradually these incidents became harder to ignore.
“I wanted to stop him from hurting you from the very beginning. I wanted to say something because you didn’t deserve the way he treated you. But when I tried, he said… he said he would get rid of you. He would take you away from me. What was I supposed to do then? I didn’t want to lose you…
“So I started to make some distance from you,” she kept on going; her voice sounded heavy. “I know it might not be the wisest thing that a mother should do to her son but I was totally out of ideas. I thought that maybe if I acted ignorant, my husband would tire himself out. But I was wrong. God I was so wrong. He never stopped; he just kept on hurting you and I couldn’t say a thing against it for fear of him sending you away. I didn’t realize it back then that getting you out of the house was probably the best choice I got if I really wanted to keep you safe…”
Mom’s words were cut off as she began to choke up crying. I instantly forgot all about being hesitant and bent over the bed to try to soothe her down.
“Don’t cry, Mom,” I whispered, unsure if I could trust my voice to speak out loud. I ran my hand through her hair; my heart ached from watching the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Mom is crying, I thought. Mom is crying for me. I had never thought I would live to see the day that this was happening. I didn’t mean that it was a pleasant kind of feeling to see my mother crying for me, but at least now I could see that she actually cared for me; cared enough to say the things that she just said, and cared enough to cry the way she was crying at the moment. Before tonight, the image I had had of my mother had been an aloof, untouchable woman that I could only respect but not love. I had always been afraid just to approach her, let alone to talk to her about anything. I had grown up learning how to live without being dependant toward anyone, not even my parents.
Tonight it was as if someone had shed a different light so that I could see Mom’s true face; the face that she had kept hidden under a mask for as long as I had known her. I was grateful that I could finally see this side of her; somehow it made the pain that resided inside my heart a lot easier to bear with.
“You look healthier than I’ve seen for a while,” Mom said all of a sudden. Her eyes studied me slowly. “… Healthier and happier.”
“Well…” I unconsciously shifted my gaze toward Yuu. My mind was telling me that if I was really healthy or happy then it was all because of Yuu. I might not have been completely aware of it most of the times, but life was a lot easier ever since I was living with Yuu. I had been eating properly, sleeping well, and I certainly hadn’t had to be afraid someone might come and kick my stomach for something I might have done wrong.
“Ah, Yuu-kun,” Mom’s voice drew my attention back to her. She seemed to have noticed Yuu’s presence in the room and, not so subtly, understanding dawned on her face. “Thank you for taking care of Takanori,” she said to my surprise.
“No problem,” Yuu replied, smiling. “Your son has been the best company I could ever ask for.”
===
Twenty minutes after nine, Doctor Amano reentered the room. He hadn’t said a word but I knew he was here to remind us that Mom still needed her rest. I felt like he was invading our privacy; our conversation hadn’t exactly progressed after Mom made her apology, but even if we weren’t saying anything I felt like we were sharing more than what we had ever shared before in our lives. It was the first time that I felt comfortable being in the presence of my mother, as opposed to the fear I used to feel whenever she came near. It was the first time since a long while that I felt at peace; and I wished the doctor hadn’t barged in to ruin it.
However, I knew that it was for my mother’s own good. Reluctantly I took my leave after I greeted her good night, asked her to get some rest, and promised her to come again tomorrow. I had wanted to stay over but since tomorrow both Yuu and I had to go to school, I couldn’t. Yutaka said he would call the company and ask for a leave so that he could stay and accompany Mom tonight.
I tried not to feel too bitter as Yutaka walked us to the door, leaving Doctor Amano in the room to check up on Mom’s condition.
“Takanori,” Yutaka stopped me right after we got to the corridor. “About Mitsui… I haven’t-well, you see, with all this chaos going on, there really was no time for me to think about her, let alone make contact with her. I know I promised you, and I really don’t want her to cause anymore trouble for you. I’m sorry…”
I smiled. “It’s okay. Don’t fret too much about it. It’s not like anything is going to happen tomorrow, right?”
I walked away from Yutaka trying not to think about what he had just told me and how I had responded. Probably that was overconfident of me to brush off the notice so easily; but then at the moment there was Mom to think about and she seemed much more important than whatever Mitsui was planning to do. After all, the girl hadn’t shown me any sign that she was actually serious about her threat, apart from the photo she had sent to my phone and the conversation we had shared in the cafeteria a few days ago.
That night at the hospital, I had no idea how doomed I was. I had absolutely no idea.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: 21 will be up soon (I hope). Ahahahah~
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[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ] [ Chapter 14 ] [ Chapter 15 ] [ Chapter 16 ] [ Chapter 17 ] [ Chapter 18 ] [ Chapter 19 ]
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