Beautiful Lie [to Believe in] | 14/?? | AoixRuki, UruhaxRuki
Title: Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter: 14/??
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: When Uruha makes things even more complicated than Ruki thinks he could handle.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 14
“I’m in love with you my dear nephew. I’m so deeply, irreversibly in love with you.”
For the last couple of days I couldn’t seem to get those words out of my head, not even for a second. It was like a ghost haunting the space inside my head that wouldn’t let me live one moment in peace; distracting me from everything I was doing and driving me out of focus. I couldn’t remember half of the things I had been doing since that night… the night when Yuu looked at me straight in the eye and told me he loved me. There, see? Just thinking about that particular night got my heart throbbing madly until I thought it was trying to tear my chest from the inside. This was happening all the time. And more often than not, Yuu’s face would also appear in my head, swarming the darkness inside my eyelids. In the end my mind would simply shut itself from all other thoughts and Yuu became the only person I could think of.
Why was it bothering me more than I was comfortable with? Well alright, it’s not like everyday I get to hear my uncle telling me he was in love with me. That sounded so wrong… Yuu was not my uncle I suppose since Dad shared no genes with me as I had only recently discovered. Sadly that did not make this situation any less confusing. For years now I had been thinking of him as my uncle, my teacher, the person whom I had consensual sex with just because the both of us couldn’t find any other-healthier, more socially-acceptable-way to relieve our stress. And suddenly he told me he was in love with me… How was I supposed to react to that?
I hadn’t said anything in response to what he had said. That night I couldn’t make my mouth to move, let alone to form a decent sentence. Despite knowing that Yuu deserved some kind of a reply after everything he had revealed to me, I hadn’t had the slightest idea of what to say. My brain had seemed to be lost somewhere in the depth of my belly or some other place I just couldn’t pinpoint where. I had only gaped at him randomly expecting him to laugh in that sinister way he used to laugh, smack me on the head and tell me it was a joke, especially the part where he told me he loved me. But no, that never happened. Yuu hadn’t broken eye contact, not even for one second, firmly proving just how serious he was… and how doomed I was from that moment onward.
So what had I said that night? Nothing. I hadn’t said a goddamn word. I had simply laid down and held him until I thought he had fallen asleep. The seconds had ticked away while Yuu’s breath had begun to sway in gentle rhythm, slowly, until it was suddenly dawn. I realized then that I hadn’t slept at all, not even for a minute.
Thankfully it hadn’t gotten awkward-I mean the interaction between Yuu and me. The morning after that night we had talked like we used to, done each of our morning routines like usual. Except… well, it wasn’t that easy to ignore the slightly more attentive way Yuu had become in the manner of treating me. All the small touches and the brief kisses here and there… it was like we had already become lovers. Was that how Yuu looked at our relationship, after everything he had told me that night? Was I his lover now?
Right now, I myself couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know whether I should confirm it or deny it. I know it might sound odd but I couldn’t determine how I truly felt toward Yuu. Yes, I felt most comfortable being around him simply because I knew he had seen all sides of me, the good side I had as well as the bad side. When I was with him I didn’t have to pretend I was a different person, I didn’t have to hide what I was truly feeling inside. Yuu was someone whom I could always count on and despite his tendency to act cynical all the time, I knew I could ask him for any favor and he would do whatever he could to help me out. Taking me in to live with him after I got kicked out of Dad’s house was proof enough that he really cared. I was more than grateful for everything he had done for me so far.
But was it love? Was this feeling I felt-whatever it was-enough to make me accept Yuu as someone special… in other word, a lover? I didn’t know. I was confused; all this thinking was making me feel like I was going to explode and-
“Oi! Shorty!”
My thoughts were promptly cut off at the sound of a man’s voice along with the rather hard slap on my back. I turned around to find Uruha standing there behind me, grinning wide from ear to ear.
“I’ve been calling your name at least ten times, didn’t you hear me?” Uruha said, shaking his head. A look of amusement mixed with disbelief adorned his face.
“No, I’m sorry, I was just busy… thinking,” I watched him as he sidled up to me and leaned against the wall beside me. It wasn’t hard to guess what he was thinking about; I could almost see the questions etched on his brain, questions he wished to ask me.
“Thinking, huh?” Uruha chuckled. “More like spacing out. You were completely out of it. And not just today; it’s been like two or three days. It seems as if you’re physically here, but your mind is somewhere far, far away. What’s wrong, Ruki?”
‘God I hate how observant Uruha could be most of the times.’
I shrugged, my brain automatically conjuring up a lie. “Yeah well, there are a lot of things to think about right now… like how everything is at home, how’s Dad, Mom, and Yutaka doing.”
Uruha seemed to be taking my reasoning without objection; his softening expression gave me assurance that he believed what I told him. It was much less riskier to tell him that I had been ‘spacing out’-like he had so kindly put it-because I had been thinking about the family I no longer had now, and not about a certain teacher who had just confessed his love to me.
Uruha hummed, nodding his head. “How is Yutaka doing?” he asked. “Have you had another contact with him?”
“Have I had another contact with him? Yes, quite often actually. He wouldn’t stop calling me or sending me text messages at the most inappropriate moments.” I sighed, recalling the time when Yutaka called me while I was in the shower, or that other time when I was busy writhing underneath Yuu, rolling around upon his bed…
“He’s only worried,” Uruha said. “Despite everything that had happened in your family, I don’t think he has ever stopped thinking about you. You guys are brothers after all.”
“Half-brothers,” I corrected.
“Brothers nonetheless!” Uruha insisted. “Ruki, being a family is not limited to whether or not you and Yutaka share the same blood. It’s greater, deeper than that. It’s about how much you care for each other. And the way I see it, Yutaka cares a lot about you.”
I looked away to the ground in a distance below us, pondering about what Uruha had just told me while watching people swarming the school yard like ants crowding around breadcrumbs. He had a good point. Yutaka was still my brother despite the fact that Dad wasn’t my biological father. This consideration surfaced not because we had the same mother, but it was because of the way he had been treating me. Ever since I was born he had been nothing less than protective over me, making sure I got what I needed, and taking me under his care every time I got hurt. He couldn’t fight against Dad, I knew that. But he had done the only thing that he could’ve done, which was to stay by my side when I felt the night was too heavy and suffocating for me to fall asleep all by myself.
Yutaka couldn’t have made the pain of Dad beating me up and Mom pretending I didn’t exist any less unbearable, but at least with him around I knew I hadn’t been truly alone in that house.
‘Yeah, I had Yutaka. I still have him now and maybe forever… my brother.’
“You’re right,” I spoke after a moment. “Yutaka is probably the most innocent thing you can ever find in that house.”
I turned my sight back to Uruha just in time to catch him smiling at me. It wasn’t a mocking kind of smile, or the kind that concealed the words “Didn’t I tell you so?” underneath it. It was just his usual, radiant smile.
“What brought you here anyway?” I asked him, curious. “I thought you were having lunch downstairs.”
A full blown grin appeared on Uruha’s face in an instant. He lifted his right hand and that was when I noticed the blue plastic box he was clutching. There was no doubt that it was his lunch box; I had seen it often times before. Only proving my presumption, Uruha opened the box revealing a pleasant looking arrangement of rice and several kinds of dishes.
I grinned widely. “Fantastic. My stomach just growled.”
===
The sky was remarkably blue, bluer than it had been the whole week as far as I could remember. There were hardly any clouds hovering above my head, except some faint white streaks passing by once in a while. The breeze was calming, gentle, tempting me to give in to the sleepiness that had begun to take over my entire body and mind.
I knew I was supposed to be in class right now, listening to whatever Kazama-sensei had had to talk about. Instead I was dozing off up here on the rooftop. Honestly speaking, I didn’t particularly despise English, the subject that Kazama-sensei taught. In fact, I think I was pretty good at it. I scored good grades at exams, did my homework quite diligently. It’s just that, at this moment, nothing could be better than the weather, the view, the peaceful surrounding-especially not two whole hours of being stuck at my desk, scratching words that didn’t match the syntaxes on pages and pages of my English textbook.
‘I can just stay here for hours… except if it’s raining all of a sudden.’
The sleepiness grew even stronger by the minute; I figured the lack of sleep that I had been suffering for the last few days was finally catching up to me. It hadn’t been easy to sleep properly with Yuu being there all the time, an actual, life-sized reminder of his confession to me, and of my obligation to respond to said confession. The thought alone was enough to make me insomniac, and after having to go through the same tension day after day, I didn’t think it was so weird that this moment now, this place right here, felt like heaven.
I yawned, and at the same time, Uruha suddenly broke his silence.
“Hey Ruki, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
There was an odd, doubtful undertone in Uruha’s voice that made me frown and turn my head to face him. As I could see he looked somewhat nervous with his furrowed brows and tight lips, as if he wasn’t sure if he should ask the question he was thinking about.
My heart skidded before it pumped quickly, throbbing inside my chest. Somehow, before Uruha even said a word, I knew what he was going to ask me; or at least what it would be about. It must have had something to do with the night I had spent at his place… yes, including the kiss and the awkward situation that followed afterward.
I took a deep breath bracing myself before I finally gave him permission. “Yeah, sure. Go ahead and ask.” ‘Let’s just get this over with.’
A tense moment of pause stretched between us before Uruha opened his mouth and popped his question. “I was just wondering… Are you in a relationship-I mean a romantic one-with anyone at the moment?”
The tentative, almost reluctant tone with which Uruha spoke made something inside me tremble uncomfortably. It grew worse with the realization that it was finally here, the topic that I had been dreading of. I knew now that I couldn’t have prepared myself for this no matter what I tried. But I couldn’t have avoided it either; I had to deal with it sooner or later. And for Uruha to have been the one to have brought it up first, I suppose I should be grateful. I wasn’t sure I could handle the tension if it was delayed much longer.
Again I took a deep breath and then answered his question. “No, at the moment, no.”
At least I hadn’t started off with a lie. It’s true that I was not in any relationship right now. Whatever I had with Yuu was nothing official; we were living together and we had done many things that lovers did, Yuu had even confessed to me, but he hadn’t asked me to establish a certain relationship or the sort. So it was fair enough to say that I was not involved with him or anyone else as of now.
“No girlfriend?” Uruha asked again.
“Nope,” I answered without hesitation. Honestly I couldn’t see myself with a girlfriend now or in any near future.
Uruha paused, biting his lower lip between his front teeth. Once again I had a hunch of what would come out of his mouth next, and soon enough my hunch was proven accurate.
“What about… a boyfriend?” murmured Uruha. He sounded uncertain, and I could only assume he was trying so hard not to offend me.
Carefully, I turned my sight at him. His brown eyes were staring at me, partially concealed by some streaks of his dark hair that went astray covering his face. I could see the faint glint in his eyes but I couldn’t guess what it meant. Most likely I was about to find out.
“No,” I replied as calmly as I could manage. “No boyfriends either.”
Quite amusingly, Uruha looked as if he was caught off guard. He began stuttering, explaining his sudden need to ask me all these questions. “I-I’m so sorry, Ruki. I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. I’m just curious… I’ve known you for years but I’ve never heard you talking about your love life. I hope I’m not being too nosy…”
I smiled despite my heart throbbing telling me that I might have to risk exposing a small bit of my secrets in order to satisfy Uruha’s curiosity. I wasn’t offended with Uruha suddenly wanting to know about my love life-in fact, I think I might have already seen it coming. Just like he said, we had been friends for quite a while and throughout that time I had learned so much about him, I dare say even more than any of his other friends. Uruha had never hesitated in telling me all of his problems, down to the most embarrassing ones. Yet I had hardly ever told him anything more than the problem I had between me, Mom, and Dad. I wasn’t being fair was I? But I knew that Uruha would be better off not knowing some of the things I had been dealing with in my life. I mean who could tell how he would react if I told him I had let our Biology teacher have sex with me? Or if I told him I was currently living with said Biology teacher?
No, no I don’t think Uruha would take it too well.
So now it was up to me to sort out the things I could tell Uruha without scaring him away.
“It’s okay Uruha, you’re not being rude,” I assured him. “I guess I should’ve been more open to you about my love life. But really there’s not much to tell because practically I don’t have a love life. I’ve never had a lover in my entire life,” I spoke carefully, measuring each and every word I said, all the while watching Uruha’s face. “I’ll just be honest with you. I… prefer men than women. But I suppose you already knew that…?”
I deliberately let my words hang where I ended them expecting the realization to dawn in Uruha’s mind pretty soon. And when it did, I swear I could see a rather pinkish shade coloring his usually pale cheeks.
“I hope you have no problem with that…” I mumbled slowly.
“No, no!” Uruha quickly sat up from his slouching position, his eyes large like a doe’s caught in the headlights. “I have absolutely no problem with that. You may prefer whomever you want. In fact I…” he froze for a split second, and then continued, “It doesn’t matter either way for me. You’re still you, Ruki.”
I smiled as something inside of me felt like melting. ‘I guess I know now why I’ve stuck around by your side for all this time, Uruha…’
“Thank you,” I said. “That means a lot, really. I have never told anyone about this… except you now.”
“You don’t have to hide anything from me,” he said. “Nothing is going to change how I feel about you.”
‘Nothing, Uruha? I doubt that. There are so many things that I haven’t told you that will very likely make you hate me so much, you will wish you’ve never known me at all.’
My eyes gazed up at Uruha’s face looming over me. He had such beautiful hair, always looking so soft and shiny, making me think he never had a single bad hair day in his life. It framed his face perfectly, swaying along with the smallest movement he made. Almost unconsciously my hand rose up to touch the streak of hair closest to his left cheek, relishing the pleasant feeling that emerged when the soft strands glide smoothly between my fingers.
It’s a little unfair how anyone could be so flawless, even to the very last strand of hair on his head.
I hadn’t even begun describing the details of his face, which had become a main attraction among many students in this school. I felt like I had been unfair to him when I first called him ‘Uruha’, which I had liberally taken from the word 麗しい or ‘lovely’. Now I found out that ‘lovely’ just couldn’t quite capture the whole beauty that Uruha was made of. But back then I had run out of other more suitable vocabularies-‘Uruha’ had been the only thing I could think of when I saw his bright eyes, his perfect nose, and his lush lips. ‘Uruha’ had sounded so perfect to name the loveliest person I had ever met in my life.
My hand had somehow found its’ way to Uruha’s cheek and stayed there; my fingers stroking his soft skin. He responded by slightly tilting his head sideway letting my hand cradle his face. His eyes fluttered briefly before the dark orbs inside of them caught my gaze and held it unwaveringly. I saw him biting his lower lip for a second before releasing it; the flesh looked dark pink and slightly moist.
‘Oh God, it’s happening again…’
I was fully aware of what was happening, or rather what was going to happen, and I also knew I should put a stop to it. Severe consequences were making themselves known through my logics, drilling holes into my brain. Despite so, I couldn’t stop what I was doing. I couldn’t pull my own hand away from Uruha’s face. I couldn’t tell myself no when my thumb began touching his lips, gliding against their fleshy surface, following the curves.
When Uruha grabbed my hand and stopped my finger from moving any further, all sensible reasons vanished like a puff of smoke blown away in a blizzard.
My mind went blank when Uruha’s lips descended on mine gently. It felt almost like a touch of warm cotton, soothing, comforting. It felt good; even the pounding sensation inside my head, although it was mostly dizzying, it also felt incredibly good. I was no longer thinking about what was right and what was wrong. All I knew was that kissing Uruha felt amazing, addictive, and I just couldn’t stop myself.
Uruha’s lips were moving slowly, languidly against mine as if he was trying to defy the rapid rhythm of my heartbeat. I had my eyes half-lidded, never truly closed. I didn’t know why, maybe I needed to constantly reassure myself that I was kissing Uruha and Uruha kissing me with my own eyes. He was just as beautiful if not even more beautiful up close like this. I could see the tips of his eyelashes touching his upper cheek, his hair flowing down like raindrops on my face.
It seemed to take forever before I felt a tentative touch of Uruha’s tongue sneaking out briefly just to make its’ presence known before it slipped back into his mouth. At that instant, something snapped inside of me causing my wall of defenses to crumble apart. I grabbed the back of Uruha’s neck and pulled him down, sucking his upper lip into my mouth. Uruha gasped, opening a gap between his lips, and I took that as a chance to slip my tongue into his mouth, rubbing and curling unrestrainedly when it found Uruha’s tongue.
I felt Uruha’s hand somewhere on my body, gripping so tight until it was nearly painful. It was hardly my main focus as I continued kissing Uruha, lavishing his mouth with all my might.
There was no way of telling how long the kiss was, but when I finally found some sanity and pulled back from Uruha, the both of us were panting. My eyes caught the sight of Uruha’s lips, noticing how red, wet and swollen they had become. Tearing my eyes from those luscious lips, I fought the urge to kiss him again and settled on trying to catch my breath instead.
The realization of what I had done came thundering into my conscience, but this time I knew I had gone too far to pretend it had been a mistake. There was no way I could tell Uruha that I hadn’t meant to kiss him, not after all that. But what was I supposed to say now? What was I supposed to do to prevent the friendship I treasured so much from falling apart?
‘Well, how silly of me… If I did treasure this friendship so much, I wouldn’t have French-kissed Uruha like I did just now. If I did have the smallest bit of respect for Uruha, I wouldn’t have lost control over myself. I would have stopped things before they went too far.’
But too late was too late. All that was left for me to do was to face my penalty.
I wasn’t even close to deciding what would be best for me to do, when Uruha leaned in and planted his lips firmly on mine once again. I froze and was just about to rationalize what was going on when Uruha pulled back. The glow I saw in his eyes made me feel queasy for some reason I could not explain; unnerving me so much that I began to feel desperate, wishing I could zap myself to somewhere far, far away from here, far away from Uruha. But it turned out that Uruha’s glare was not what I should be disturbed with… it was what he told me afterward.
“I’m not going to apologize this time, Ruki,” he said. His voice was nothing more but a whisper but with the tension I could sense in it, he might as well be yelling right in front of my face. “I’m not sorry for kissing you, not that night, not now. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m not going to lie about it anymore.”
The fear was choking me, killing me slowly when Uruha kissed me again, again and again.
There could be no going back from this point. Everything was ruined.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: First of all, the kanji above is read as 'uruwashii'. I suppose everyone already knew that Uruha took his name from that word?
Well here's that extra drama I promised you, but do you really think that's all there is? There is mooooorrreee!!! *recalls the moment when my beta tweeted and told me she got so upset while reading chapter 15 ROFL* I'm torturing Takanori too much, don't you think so as well? LOL~
Okay then, comments please!
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[ Chapter 01 ] [ Chapter 02 ] [ Chapter 03 ] [ Chapter 04 ] [ Chapter 05 ] [ Chapter 06 ] [ Chapter 07-a ] [ Chapter 07-b ] [ Chapter 08 ] [ Chapter 09 ] [ Chapter 10 ] [ Chapter 11 ] [ Chapter 12 ] [ Chapter 13 ]
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Chapter: 14/??
Author: akichuu
Fandom: the GazettE
Pairing: AoixRuki, RukixAoi, UruhaxRuki
Rating: R
Genre: AU (highschool), angst
Warnings: Yaoi, (slight) pedophilia, incestuous relationship, domestic abuse, possible violence. Not comfortable with those issues? Save yourselves and DON'T read this. I'm serious.
Disclaimer: Title is taken from 30 Seconds to Mars's song, Beautiful Lie. the GazettE belongs to themselves and, yes, the Almighty PSC. I, well I own this story. It's fiction, meaning IT'S NOT REAL and I'm making no profit from it (except my 15 minutes of fame). Yes, mind that.
Beta: izumi_luvsjrock. Thank you~ ♥
Summary: He was an outcast, an unwanted child that was thrown away, even by his own family. He was taught by life not to trust anyone, especially those who came to him offering the thing called 'love'. 'Love' was just a small part of his dream, and dreams, as far as he knew, weren't real and could never be real.
In this case, Shiroyama Yuu was definitely not an exception.
Comment: When Uruha makes things even more complicated than Ruki thinks he could handle.
Beautiful Lie [to Believe in]
Chapter 14
“I’m in love with you my dear nephew. I’m so deeply, irreversibly in love with you.”
For the last couple of days I couldn’t seem to get those words out of my head, not even for a second. It was like a ghost haunting the space inside my head that wouldn’t let me live one moment in peace; distracting me from everything I was doing and driving me out of focus. I couldn’t remember half of the things I had been doing since that night… the night when Yuu looked at me straight in the eye and told me he loved me. There, see? Just thinking about that particular night got my heart throbbing madly until I thought it was trying to tear my chest from the inside. This was happening all the time. And more often than not, Yuu’s face would also appear in my head, swarming the darkness inside my eyelids. In the end my mind would simply shut itself from all other thoughts and Yuu became the only person I could think of.
Why was it bothering me more than I was comfortable with? Well alright, it’s not like everyday I get to hear my uncle telling me he was in love with me. That sounded so wrong… Yuu was not my uncle I suppose since Dad shared no genes with me as I had only recently discovered. Sadly that did not make this situation any less confusing. For years now I had been thinking of him as my uncle, my teacher, the person whom I had consensual sex with just because the both of us couldn’t find any other-healthier, more socially-acceptable-way to relieve our stress. And suddenly he told me he was in love with me… How was I supposed to react to that?
I hadn’t said anything in response to what he had said. That night I couldn’t make my mouth to move, let alone to form a decent sentence. Despite knowing that Yuu deserved some kind of a reply after everything he had revealed to me, I hadn’t had the slightest idea of what to say. My brain had seemed to be lost somewhere in the depth of my belly or some other place I just couldn’t pinpoint where. I had only gaped at him randomly expecting him to laugh in that sinister way he used to laugh, smack me on the head and tell me it was a joke, especially the part where he told me he loved me. But no, that never happened. Yuu hadn’t broken eye contact, not even for one second, firmly proving just how serious he was… and how doomed I was from that moment onward.
So what had I said that night? Nothing. I hadn’t said a goddamn word. I had simply laid down and held him until I thought he had fallen asleep. The seconds had ticked away while Yuu’s breath had begun to sway in gentle rhythm, slowly, until it was suddenly dawn. I realized then that I hadn’t slept at all, not even for a minute.
Thankfully it hadn’t gotten awkward-I mean the interaction between Yuu and me. The morning after that night we had talked like we used to, done each of our morning routines like usual. Except… well, it wasn’t that easy to ignore the slightly more attentive way Yuu had become in the manner of treating me. All the small touches and the brief kisses here and there… it was like we had already become lovers. Was that how Yuu looked at our relationship, after everything he had told me that night? Was I his lover now?
Right now, I myself couldn’t answer that. I didn’t know whether I should confirm it or deny it. I know it might sound odd but I couldn’t determine how I truly felt toward Yuu. Yes, I felt most comfortable being around him simply because I knew he had seen all sides of me, the good side I had as well as the bad side. When I was with him I didn’t have to pretend I was a different person, I didn’t have to hide what I was truly feeling inside. Yuu was someone whom I could always count on and despite his tendency to act cynical all the time, I knew I could ask him for any favor and he would do whatever he could to help me out. Taking me in to live with him after I got kicked out of Dad’s house was proof enough that he really cared. I was more than grateful for everything he had done for me so far.
But was it love? Was this feeling I felt-whatever it was-enough to make me accept Yuu as someone special… in other word, a lover? I didn’t know. I was confused; all this thinking was making me feel like I was going to explode and-
“Oi! Shorty!”
My thoughts were promptly cut off at the sound of a man’s voice along with the rather hard slap on my back. I turned around to find Uruha standing there behind me, grinning wide from ear to ear.
“I’ve been calling your name at least ten times, didn’t you hear me?” Uruha said, shaking his head. A look of amusement mixed with disbelief adorned his face.
“No, I’m sorry, I was just busy… thinking,” I watched him as he sidled up to me and leaned against the wall beside me. It wasn’t hard to guess what he was thinking about; I could almost see the questions etched on his brain, questions he wished to ask me.
“Thinking, huh?” Uruha chuckled. “More like spacing out. You were completely out of it. And not just today; it’s been like two or three days. It seems as if you’re physically here, but your mind is somewhere far, far away. What’s wrong, Ruki?”
‘God I hate how observant Uruha could be most of the times.’
I shrugged, my brain automatically conjuring up a lie. “Yeah well, there are a lot of things to think about right now… like how everything is at home, how’s Dad, Mom, and Yutaka doing.”
Uruha seemed to be taking my reasoning without objection; his softening expression gave me assurance that he believed what I told him. It was much less riskier to tell him that I had been ‘spacing out’-like he had so kindly put it-because I had been thinking about the family I no longer had now, and not about a certain teacher who had just confessed his love to me.
Uruha hummed, nodding his head. “How is Yutaka doing?” he asked. “Have you had another contact with him?”
“Have I had another contact with him? Yes, quite often actually. He wouldn’t stop calling me or sending me text messages at the most inappropriate moments.” I sighed, recalling the time when Yutaka called me while I was in the shower, or that other time when I was busy writhing underneath Yuu, rolling around upon his bed…
“He’s only worried,” Uruha said. “Despite everything that had happened in your family, I don’t think he has ever stopped thinking about you. You guys are brothers after all.”
“Half-brothers,” I corrected.
“Brothers nonetheless!” Uruha insisted. “Ruki, being a family is not limited to whether or not you and Yutaka share the same blood. It’s greater, deeper than that. It’s about how much you care for each other. And the way I see it, Yutaka cares a lot about you.”
I looked away to the ground in a distance below us, pondering about what Uruha had just told me while watching people swarming the school yard like ants crowding around breadcrumbs. He had a good point. Yutaka was still my brother despite the fact that Dad wasn’t my biological father. This consideration surfaced not because we had the same mother, but it was because of the way he had been treating me. Ever since I was born he had been nothing less than protective over me, making sure I got what I needed, and taking me under his care every time I got hurt. He couldn’t fight against Dad, I knew that. But he had done the only thing that he could’ve done, which was to stay by my side when I felt the night was too heavy and suffocating for me to fall asleep all by myself.
Yutaka couldn’t have made the pain of Dad beating me up and Mom pretending I didn’t exist any less unbearable, but at least with him around I knew I hadn’t been truly alone in that house.
‘Yeah, I had Yutaka. I still have him now and maybe forever… my brother.’
“You’re right,” I spoke after a moment. “Yutaka is probably the most innocent thing you can ever find in that house.”
I turned my sight back to Uruha just in time to catch him smiling at me. It wasn’t a mocking kind of smile, or the kind that concealed the words “Didn’t I tell you so?” underneath it. It was just his usual, radiant smile.
“What brought you here anyway?” I asked him, curious. “I thought you were having lunch downstairs.”
A full blown grin appeared on Uruha’s face in an instant. He lifted his right hand and that was when I noticed the blue plastic box he was clutching. There was no doubt that it was his lunch box; I had seen it often times before. Only proving my presumption, Uruha opened the box revealing a pleasant looking arrangement of rice and several kinds of dishes.
I grinned widely. “Fantastic. My stomach just growled.”
===
The sky was remarkably blue, bluer than it had been the whole week as far as I could remember. There were hardly any clouds hovering above my head, except some faint white streaks passing by once in a while. The breeze was calming, gentle, tempting me to give in to the sleepiness that had begun to take over my entire body and mind.
I knew I was supposed to be in class right now, listening to whatever Kazama-sensei had had to talk about. Instead I was dozing off up here on the rooftop. Honestly speaking, I didn’t particularly despise English, the subject that Kazama-sensei taught. In fact, I think I was pretty good at it. I scored good grades at exams, did my homework quite diligently. It’s just that, at this moment, nothing could be better than the weather, the view, the peaceful surrounding-especially not two whole hours of being stuck at my desk, scratching words that didn’t match the syntaxes on pages and pages of my English textbook.
‘I can just stay here for hours… except if it’s raining all of a sudden.’
The sleepiness grew even stronger by the minute; I figured the lack of sleep that I had been suffering for the last few days was finally catching up to me. It hadn’t been easy to sleep properly with Yuu being there all the time, an actual, life-sized reminder of his confession to me, and of my obligation to respond to said confession. The thought alone was enough to make me insomniac, and after having to go through the same tension day after day, I didn’t think it was so weird that this moment now, this place right here, felt like heaven.
I yawned, and at the same time, Uruha suddenly broke his silence.
“Hey Ruki, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
There was an odd, doubtful undertone in Uruha’s voice that made me frown and turn my head to face him. As I could see he looked somewhat nervous with his furrowed brows and tight lips, as if he wasn’t sure if he should ask the question he was thinking about.
My heart skidded before it pumped quickly, throbbing inside my chest. Somehow, before Uruha even said a word, I knew what he was going to ask me; or at least what it would be about. It must have had something to do with the night I had spent at his place… yes, including the kiss and the awkward situation that followed afterward.
I took a deep breath bracing myself before I finally gave him permission. “Yeah, sure. Go ahead and ask.” ‘Let’s just get this over with.’
A tense moment of pause stretched between us before Uruha opened his mouth and popped his question. “I was just wondering… Are you in a relationship-I mean a romantic one-with anyone at the moment?”
The tentative, almost reluctant tone with which Uruha spoke made something inside me tremble uncomfortably. It grew worse with the realization that it was finally here, the topic that I had been dreading of. I knew now that I couldn’t have prepared myself for this no matter what I tried. But I couldn’t have avoided it either; I had to deal with it sooner or later. And for Uruha to have been the one to have brought it up first, I suppose I should be grateful. I wasn’t sure I could handle the tension if it was delayed much longer.
Again I took a deep breath and then answered his question. “No, at the moment, no.”
At least I hadn’t started off with a lie. It’s true that I was not in any relationship right now. Whatever I had with Yuu was nothing official; we were living together and we had done many things that lovers did, Yuu had even confessed to me, but he hadn’t asked me to establish a certain relationship or the sort. So it was fair enough to say that I was not involved with him or anyone else as of now.
“No girlfriend?” Uruha asked again.
“Nope,” I answered without hesitation. Honestly I couldn’t see myself with a girlfriend now or in any near future.
Uruha paused, biting his lower lip between his front teeth. Once again I had a hunch of what would come out of his mouth next, and soon enough my hunch was proven accurate.
“What about… a boyfriend?” murmured Uruha. He sounded uncertain, and I could only assume he was trying so hard not to offend me.
Carefully, I turned my sight at him. His brown eyes were staring at me, partially concealed by some streaks of his dark hair that went astray covering his face. I could see the faint glint in his eyes but I couldn’t guess what it meant. Most likely I was about to find out.
“No,” I replied as calmly as I could manage. “No boyfriends either.”
Quite amusingly, Uruha looked as if he was caught off guard. He began stuttering, explaining his sudden need to ask me all these questions. “I-I’m so sorry, Ruki. I didn’t mean to be rude or anything. I’m just curious… I’ve known you for years but I’ve never heard you talking about your love life. I hope I’m not being too nosy…”
I smiled despite my heart throbbing telling me that I might have to risk exposing a small bit of my secrets in order to satisfy Uruha’s curiosity. I wasn’t offended with Uruha suddenly wanting to know about my love life-in fact, I think I might have already seen it coming. Just like he said, we had been friends for quite a while and throughout that time I had learned so much about him, I dare say even more than any of his other friends. Uruha had never hesitated in telling me all of his problems, down to the most embarrassing ones. Yet I had hardly ever told him anything more than the problem I had between me, Mom, and Dad. I wasn’t being fair was I? But I knew that Uruha would be better off not knowing some of the things I had been dealing with in my life. I mean who could tell how he would react if I told him I had let our Biology teacher have sex with me? Or if I told him I was currently living with said Biology teacher?
No, no I don’t think Uruha would take it too well.
So now it was up to me to sort out the things I could tell Uruha without scaring him away.
“It’s okay Uruha, you’re not being rude,” I assured him. “I guess I should’ve been more open to you about my love life. But really there’s not much to tell because practically I don’t have a love life. I’ve never had a lover in my entire life,” I spoke carefully, measuring each and every word I said, all the while watching Uruha’s face. “I’ll just be honest with you. I… prefer men than women. But I suppose you already knew that…?”
I deliberately let my words hang where I ended them expecting the realization to dawn in Uruha’s mind pretty soon. And when it did, I swear I could see a rather pinkish shade coloring his usually pale cheeks.
“I hope you have no problem with that…” I mumbled slowly.
“No, no!” Uruha quickly sat up from his slouching position, his eyes large like a doe’s caught in the headlights. “I have absolutely no problem with that. You may prefer whomever you want. In fact I…” he froze for a split second, and then continued, “It doesn’t matter either way for me. You’re still you, Ruki.”
I smiled as something inside of me felt like melting. ‘I guess I know now why I’ve stuck around by your side for all this time, Uruha…’
“Thank you,” I said. “That means a lot, really. I have never told anyone about this… except you now.”
“You don’t have to hide anything from me,” he said. “Nothing is going to change how I feel about you.”
‘Nothing, Uruha? I doubt that. There are so many things that I haven’t told you that will very likely make you hate me so much, you will wish you’ve never known me at all.’
My eyes gazed up at Uruha’s face looming over me. He had such beautiful hair, always looking so soft and shiny, making me think he never had a single bad hair day in his life. It framed his face perfectly, swaying along with the smallest movement he made. Almost unconsciously my hand rose up to touch the streak of hair closest to his left cheek, relishing the pleasant feeling that emerged when the soft strands glide smoothly between my fingers.
It’s a little unfair how anyone could be so flawless, even to the very last strand of hair on his head.
I hadn’t even begun describing the details of his face, which had become a main attraction among many students in this school. I felt like I had been unfair to him when I first called him ‘Uruha’, which I had liberally taken from the word 麗しい or ‘lovely’. Now I found out that ‘lovely’ just couldn’t quite capture the whole beauty that Uruha was made of. But back then I had run out of other more suitable vocabularies-‘Uruha’ had been the only thing I could think of when I saw his bright eyes, his perfect nose, and his lush lips. ‘Uruha’ had sounded so perfect to name the loveliest person I had ever met in my life.
My hand had somehow found its’ way to Uruha’s cheek and stayed there; my fingers stroking his soft skin. He responded by slightly tilting his head sideway letting my hand cradle his face. His eyes fluttered briefly before the dark orbs inside of them caught my gaze and held it unwaveringly. I saw him biting his lower lip for a second before releasing it; the flesh looked dark pink and slightly moist.
‘Oh God, it’s happening again…’
I was fully aware of what was happening, or rather what was going to happen, and I also knew I should put a stop to it. Severe consequences were making themselves known through my logics, drilling holes into my brain. Despite so, I couldn’t stop what I was doing. I couldn’t pull my own hand away from Uruha’s face. I couldn’t tell myself no when my thumb began touching his lips, gliding against their fleshy surface, following the curves.
When Uruha grabbed my hand and stopped my finger from moving any further, all sensible reasons vanished like a puff of smoke blown away in a blizzard.
My mind went blank when Uruha’s lips descended on mine gently. It felt almost like a touch of warm cotton, soothing, comforting. It felt good; even the pounding sensation inside my head, although it was mostly dizzying, it also felt incredibly good. I was no longer thinking about what was right and what was wrong. All I knew was that kissing Uruha felt amazing, addictive, and I just couldn’t stop myself.
Uruha’s lips were moving slowly, languidly against mine as if he was trying to defy the rapid rhythm of my heartbeat. I had my eyes half-lidded, never truly closed. I didn’t know why, maybe I needed to constantly reassure myself that I was kissing Uruha and Uruha kissing me with my own eyes. He was just as beautiful if not even more beautiful up close like this. I could see the tips of his eyelashes touching his upper cheek, his hair flowing down like raindrops on my face.
It seemed to take forever before I felt a tentative touch of Uruha’s tongue sneaking out briefly just to make its’ presence known before it slipped back into his mouth. At that instant, something snapped inside of me causing my wall of defenses to crumble apart. I grabbed the back of Uruha’s neck and pulled him down, sucking his upper lip into my mouth. Uruha gasped, opening a gap between his lips, and I took that as a chance to slip my tongue into his mouth, rubbing and curling unrestrainedly when it found Uruha’s tongue.
I felt Uruha’s hand somewhere on my body, gripping so tight until it was nearly painful. It was hardly my main focus as I continued kissing Uruha, lavishing his mouth with all my might.
There was no way of telling how long the kiss was, but when I finally found some sanity and pulled back from Uruha, the both of us were panting. My eyes caught the sight of Uruha’s lips, noticing how red, wet and swollen they had become. Tearing my eyes from those luscious lips, I fought the urge to kiss him again and settled on trying to catch my breath instead.
The realization of what I had done came thundering into my conscience, but this time I knew I had gone too far to pretend it had been a mistake. There was no way I could tell Uruha that I hadn’t meant to kiss him, not after all that. But what was I supposed to say now? What was I supposed to do to prevent the friendship I treasured so much from falling apart?
‘Well, how silly of me… If I did treasure this friendship so much, I wouldn’t have French-kissed Uruha like I did just now. If I did have the smallest bit of respect for Uruha, I wouldn’t have lost control over myself. I would have stopped things before they went too far.’
But too late was too late. All that was left for me to do was to face my penalty.
I wasn’t even close to deciding what would be best for me to do, when Uruha leaned in and planted his lips firmly on mine once again. I froze and was just about to rationalize what was going on when Uruha pulled back. The glow I saw in his eyes made me feel queasy for some reason I could not explain; unnerving me so much that I began to feel desperate, wishing I could zap myself to somewhere far, far away from here, far away from Uruha. But it turned out that Uruha’s glare was not what I should be disturbed with… it was what he told me afterward.
“I’m not going to apologize this time, Ruki,” he said. His voice was nothing more but a whisper but with the tension I could sense in it, he might as well be yelling right in front of my face. “I’m not sorry for kissing you, not that night, not now. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m not going to lie about it anymore.”
The fear was choking me, killing me slowly when Uruha kissed me again, again and again.
There could be no going back from this point. Everything was ruined.
~ TO BE CONTINUED ~
A/N: First of all, the kanji above is read as 'uruwashii'. I suppose everyone already knew that Uruha took his name from that word?
Well here's that extra drama I promised you, but do you really think that's all there is? There is mooooorrreee!!! *recalls the moment when my beta tweeted and told me she got so upset while reading chapter 15 ROFL* I'm torturing Takanori too much, don't you think so as well? LOL~
Okay then, comments please!
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