The great debate: how do I better change my mind/mentality if my mind struggles with the fact that I am still seen as a male to myself and others if i am not careful in how i present it to those strangers ( Read more... )

I finished crying a little while ago. Been a long time since I cried that much and usually never cry much in my life. I think it is due to my upbringing (family, friends, and general society) of learning to hold most of my emotions inside. Maybe 2 years since the last time this happened, but I remember that night still.

If I could accept my body as it is, then my life would probably be easier. I could then start learning to like myself. I could no longer see that man in the mirror or in new pictures ( Read more... )

I really don't like myself. That is pretty simple (hence my low self esteem). I occassionally get very envious of various other people. Over the last 6 months or so, majority of the times I see another trans woman post a video or set of pictures about their progression of changes on hormones, I get extremely envious and distraught. I hate my body ( Read more... )

but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I can't remember the last time I cried.

With most of my coming outs going relatively well, work being informed about my transition, and I suppose you could say general passing in public (even though I get stared at occasionally I feel), I feel that I should be happier about it all than I actually am (maybe I am just depressed today though so maybe that is why I feel like that).
( Read more about why I feel this way if you wish )

I don't know what to do anymore. I am getting to the point in my transition that I will start living full-time, and I just can't find the courage or belief or optimism that it will be ok. It is pathetic that I still haven't gone out in public yet. It is pathetic that I can't feel comfortable in buying clothes by myself. It is pathetic that I can't ( Read more... )

On Friday, I had my appointment with my endocrinologist. Other than him taking my blood, I felt like it was mainly a waste of time and my money ( Read more... )

I got a call at work today from my endocrinologist. First time that he ever called me in person to talk to me. He told me that he just got back my lab results from my blood like a little over a week ago. My results were "unusual". Basically, he told me that my testosterone was unusually high. Even higher than most men. He said that he is not sure ( Read more... )

All I want to do for the last couple of days is just hide myself or wear a bag. I just want to crawl away into a dark corner. I am having trouble working or concentrating on other things (hence me posting this while at work). I am ashamed.

I know that I am not the only one with issues, but I can't stop loathing myself either.