I feel like I should be more satsified
With most of my coming outs going relatively well, work being informed about my transition, and I suppose you could say general passing in public (even though I get stared at occasionally I feel), I feel that I should be happier about it all than I actually am (maybe I am just depressed today though so maybe that is why I feel like that).
Some reason my body image issues are cropping up in force lately, mainly in extreme dread about thinking how my body has not changed and probably never will. I have taken a low steady dose of hormones for like 2+ years, and I have yet to see any real change in my body proportions (trust me, I have kept track of my measurements because I am also find it fascinating to document). I have inches across the body, but it is across the whole body due to weight loss. My breasts have not grown one tiny bit in my opinion. I might have developed a bit more glandular tissue, but my boobs are basically the same size if not smaller now. Sadly, they were probably bigger in late college before any hormones.
I get so depressed. I keep thinking that this is as good as it may get. If it truly is, that sucks. A lot. I will be forced to do plastic surgery in the future if that is the case. I have gotten extremely impatient, and I anxiously await any results. We are currently changing my hormones (1.5 weeks in), so MAYBE something will actually happen for once. Gosh I hope so. I am so desperate. Since I am such a negative person, I am already going to predict nothing new will happen on the new meds, but I would love to be proven wrong. It is so hard for me to read now about other trans girls who talk about how drastically their body changes while taking hormones. I see those picture slideshows or videos demonstrating that they basically changed drastically. I usually get so jealous, and they drive me to sadness and frustration with my own body now when I see most of those pictures or videos. My friends Nicole and Yumi may think sometimes that they didn't change much while taking hormones, but from my personal observations, they have changed quite a bit. They also have some stories of how people could not event recognize them either. I doubt that I will have stories like that. Most people who knew me will probably point at me and go, "O yeah, see that person is Garrett. That is obviously Garrett." Since my body has not changed to me, I still the same body I have seen for the last 15 years or so in the mirror, which is why I need to see noticeable changes in my body for once otherwise I will probably continue to refuse that my body is feminine. I still cannot really see my body in much of a feminine way. I still think that I look like a guy in girl clothes.
Multiple people (including myself) feel with my large, wide, big shouldered body frame stucture, I need to have more noticeable curves. My boobs are too small for my body and need to be much bigger. My general proportions can't be seen really. I have to hope that something good will actually happen and fill out my boobs and hips/butt. I use to think since my mom and sister (who is only 20 years old) are each like DD cups each (not overweight either) that my boobs should get closer to their size because many people say that trans women will usually get within one or 2 cups sizes of their family. I was so jealous for years that my sister got big boobs (which was one reason that she admitted to me that made her pretty popular at school). I was happy though because I figured that one day I would fill out just like them with hormones since I am in my 20s or worst case be a C cup. Well, my boobs have not grown at all yet and starting to sadly and slowly resign myself that implants are my only option. Either that, or accept my body won't change period, and I will have to make due with my current masculine body. I know that there are many different types of bodies and everything, but I don't want to accept that I have to look as terrible as I do. I know that many trans women struggle with their body images as well. I have learned to accept that I can't change my bone structure and such (even though I wish I could), I am (kinda) losing weight because I can't accept how fat I am. I look better than I use to, but I have a long way to go.
Also, I am extremely depressed concerning the great question of love and find that special someone. I came to the conclusion about 1 year or so ago that I will die alone. Last night I dreamt that I would die alone. I know relationships are complicated. I guess that I am pan-curious, but I lean mostly toward being more attracted to women (both cis and trans). My self esteem is so awful right now (well, it has been for as long as I can remember). I remember a girl in the 7th grade asking me if I thought I was ugly cause she thought I was. I sadly agreed with her. She laughed in surprise while walking away because I depressingly agreed with her. I don't know if I will ever find anyone. Maybe I won't. Being a non-attractive, tall, large, fat, masculine-looking trans woman who is not that social or outgoing won't exactly open many options for me either. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I remember the days when I lived alone at my last apartment the highlight and was excited for each week was getting to see my friends Nicole and Yumi once a week (until they came, I could go a few days in a row without extended human contact).
Heh, you can definitely say my body image and self esteem are pretty screwed up. I feel guilty complaining about my issues. I know we all have our problems we face, and I hope you all figure them out or accept them.
Tomorrow I will probably come out to my parents. I know that I promised other posts too, and eventually I will write them.
I am grateful however for my friends Nicole and Yumi. They mean more to me than they will probably ever understand.
Some reason my body image issues are cropping up in force lately, mainly in extreme dread about thinking how my body has not changed and probably never will. I have taken a low steady dose of hormones for like 2+ years, and I have yet to see any real change in my body proportions (trust me, I have kept track of my measurements because I am also find it fascinating to document). I have inches across the body, but it is across the whole body due to weight loss. My breasts have not grown one tiny bit in my opinion. I might have developed a bit more glandular tissue, but my boobs are basically the same size if not smaller now. Sadly, they were probably bigger in late college before any hormones.
I get so depressed. I keep thinking that this is as good as it may get. If it truly is, that sucks. A lot. I will be forced to do plastic surgery in the future if that is the case. I have gotten extremely impatient, and I anxiously await any results. We are currently changing my hormones (1.5 weeks in), so MAYBE something will actually happen for once. Gosh I hope so. I am so desperate. Since I am such a negative person, I am already going to predict nothing new will happen on the new meds, but I would love to be proven wrong. It is so hard for me to read now about other trans girls who talk about how drastically their body changes while taking hormones. I see those picture slideshows or videos demonstrating that they basically changed drastically. I usually get so jealous, and they drive me to sadness and frustration with my own body now when I see most of those pictures or videos. My friends Nicole and Yumi may think sometimes that they didn't change much while taking hormones, but from my personal observations, they have changed quite a bit. They also have some stories of how people could not event recognize them either. I doubt that I will have stories like that. Most people who knew me will probably point at me and go, "O yeah, see that person is Garrett. That is obviously Garrett." Since my body has not changed to me, I still the same body I have seen for the last 15 years or so in the mirror, which is why I need to see noticeable changes in my body for once otherwise I will probably continue to refuse that my body is feminine. I still cannot really see my body in much of a feminine way. I still think that I look like a guy in girl clothes.
Multiple people (including myself) feel with my large, wide, big shouldered body frame stucture, I need to have more noticeable curves. My boobs are too small for my body and need to be much bigger. My general proportions can't be seen really. I have to hope that something good will actually happen and fill out my boobs and hips/butt. I use to think since my mom and sister (who is only 20 years old) are each like DD cups each (not overweight either) that my boobs should get closer to their size because many people say that trans women will usually get within one or 2 cups sizes of their family. I was so jealous for years that my sister got big boobs (which was one reason that she admitted to me that made her pretty popular at school). I was happy though because I figured that one day I would fill out just like them with hormones since I am in my 20s or worst case be a C cup. Well, my boobs have not grown at all yet and starting to sadly and slowly resign myself that implants are my only option. Either that, or accept my body won't change period, and I will have to make due with my current masculine body. I know that there are many different types of bodies and everything, but I don't want to accept that I have to look as terrible as I do. I know that many trans women struggle with their body images as well. I have learned to accept that I can't change my bone structure and such (even though I wish I could), I am (kinda) losing weight because I can't accept how fat I am. I look better than I use to, but I have a long way to go.
Also, I am extremely depressed concerning the great question of love and find that special someone. I came to the conclusion about 1 year or so ago that I will die alone. Last night I dreamt that I would die alone. I know relationships are complicated. I guess that I am pan-curious, but I lean mostly toward being more attracted to women (both cis and trans). My self esteem is so awful right now (well, it has been for as long as I can remember). I remember a girl in the 7th grade asking me if I thought I was ugly cause she thought I was. I sadly agreed with her. She laughed in surprise while walking away because I depressingly agreed with her. I don't know if I will ever find anyone. Maybe I won't. Being a non-attractive, tall, large, fat, masculine-looking trans woman who is not that social or outgoing won't exactly open many options for me either. I just feel so lonely sometimes. I remember the days when I lived alone at my last apartment the highlight and was excited for each week was getting to see my friends Nicole and Yumi once a week (until they came, I could go a few days in a row without extended human contact).
Heh, you can definitely say my body image and self esteem are pretty screwed up. I feel guilty complaining about my issues. I know we all have our problems we face, and I hope you all figure them out or accept them.
Tomorrow I will probably come out to my parents. I know that I promised other posts too, and eventually I will write them.
I am grateful however for my friends Nicole and Yumi. They mean more to me than they will probably ever understand.