I am scared
The great debate: how do I better change my mind/mentality if my mind struggles with the fact that I am still seen as a male to myself and others if i am not careful in how i present it to those strangers?
So inter-woven, I don't know how to make myself feel better mentally if i can't overlook that. If I would want to better improve myself mentally, I have to exhibit some confidence. I don't think I can do that if I am overly concerned with how others perceive me or how I perceive myself. So it is always easy when people say you should be "x" to get to "y".
One of the few things I want to know is what it was like for girls who went through changes through their puberty. Trans women who take hormones usually experience those changes. I don't know what it is like to have a sore chest from when your breasts start to grow. When u see and read about so many trans for so many years that talk about the same changes (breast growth, fat distribution to new "feminine" areas, etc), I just wanted to know what it was like too, and admittedly I came to expect that because I thought I am not much different. It depresses me to think that I may never experience those same change. It makes me feel incomplete. Sadly, I am almost powerless to do anything about it, and I may be stuck in this same masculine body structure and composition for the rest of my life. My only faint hope is that higher doses of hormones for a long period of time can change that for once. Is it sad that i am putting so much hope into my hormones?
When you see your body as the same masculine form it has more or less basically always, you get desperate for change. I just want to see myself differently. So I no longer see myself as a man in the mirror. So I can finally move on.
To my friends, I'm sorry for my depressing and negative behavior lately.
I'm an idiot.
I'm scared. That is what it boils down to really.
I'm scared. I am scared about the future. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of loneliness. I am scared things will not change. I am scared that I will never be happy.
So inter-woven, I don't know how to make myself feel better mentally if i can't overlook that. If I would want to better improve myself mentally, I have to exhibit some confidence. I don't think I can do that if I am overly concerned with how others perceive me or how I perceive myself. So it is always easy when people say you should be "x" to get to "y".
One of the few things I want to know is what it was like for girls who went through changes through their puberty. Trans women who take hormones usually experience those changes. I don't know what it is like to have a sore chest from when your breasts start to grow. When u see and read about so many trans for so many years that talk about the same changes (breast growth, fat distribution to new "feminine" areas, etc), I just wanted to know what it was like too, and admittedly I came to expect that because I thought I am not much different. It depresses me to think that I may never experience those same change. It makes me feel incomplete. Sadly, I am almost powerless to do anything about it, and I may be stuck in this same masculine body structure and composition for the rest of my life. My only faint hope is that higher doses of hormones for a long period of time can change that for once. Is it sad that i am putting so much hope into my hormones?
When you see your body as the same masculine form it has more or less basically always, you get desperate for change. I just want to see myself differently. So I no longer see myself as a man in the mirror. So I can finally move on.
To my friends, I'm sorry for my depressing and negative behavior lately.
I'm an idiot.
I'm scared. That is what it boils down to really.
I'm scared. I am scared about the future. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of loneliness. I am scared things will not change. I am scared that I will never be happy.