All worry, all the time. My stomach is clenched and hollow even though I just ate. I close my eyes while I walk, imagining that I could just fall asleep. Every exhale feels deeper and heavier than before.

"Distance" was my word of the last week. What felt like half my time was consumed by what spinpsychle accurately described as "sitting in a chair and ( Read more... )

So, this is what's happening ( Read more... )

There's a lot in my head that I want to write about. I've been swinging a lot between stomach-clenching worry and rage face-worthy carefree happiness. The subject of the worry changes day by day, but it's always obsessive and rather pathetic ( Read more... )

So...New Year's. Normally I do well at collating and categorizing the previous 12 months, laying out the highs and lows very neatly, altogether. I don't know if this year will be quite as easy. It's been a blur from start to finish ( Read more... )

So something we talked about in therapy last night is how I, like my father, tend to put situations and emotions and reactions "on the shelf" or in "lockdown" in order to not deal with it. I claim that I will deal with it later and then never do (or at least not usually). It's not even blinders, per se, just..."I don't know how to deal with this, ( Read more... )

Okay, I just need to remind myself. This is not my problem; I've done my damnedest to keep it from going this far, to absolutely no avail, and it's now out of my hands. Anger is useless, worry even moreso. I just need to turn off my phone tomorrow and let it all fall on the person who IS responsible ( Read more... )

When I was 7 or 8 I had trouble sleeping because I was sure that at any minute I might wake up and find that I was actually a baby, or an old person, and my life was not mine at all. I've been having the same feeling lately; not at bedtime, but almost all the time. Tonight I even had a premonition that I would die tomorrow...get hit by a car or ( Read more... )

Sometimes I wish it could just be easy. But things that are worth doing are worth fighting for.

"What does a scanner see? he asked himself. I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner like they used to use or a cube-type holo-scanner like they use these days, the latest thing, see into me-into us-clearly or darkly? I hope it does, he thought, see clearly, because I can’t any longer these days see ( Read more... )

I am having a really hard time accepting the realization that as I get older, friends become less important and my relationship rules my world. Not that friends are less important, I suppose, but that I haven't the energy to maintain multiple close friendships, a happy and stable romantic/sexual relationship, putting in serious effort at work, my ( Read more... )