Word vomit.
I am having a really hard time accepting the realization that as I get older, friends become less important and my relationship rules my world. Not that friends are less important, I suppose, but that I haven't the energy to maintain multiple close friendships, a happy and stable romantic/sexual relationship, putting in serious effort at work, my own mental health, and keeping a clean, stocked, horror-free house(hold). I always used to talk about how I didn't want to be "That Guy" as in "One-Half of That Couple", the irritating ones who are attached to one another's hips and make decisions as a Hive Mind. But now I'm realizing more and more that it is impossible to be any other way without seriously jeopardizing either my relationship itself, or my actual personal stability. Is this normal? Is this co-dependance? What gives?
It's not that we spend every waking moment together. In fact, it's the opposite. We both work full-time. He goes to school, I to taekwondo. One of us sees the therapist weekly, alternating Mondays. He has 5 to 7 hours of homework a week, I have equal amounts of housework and cleaning that need to get done to retain my sanity and both our health. When we have time off, we watch Stargate in an exhausted stupor, play Magic: The Gathering (as of about a week ago; more on that later), sex, or hang out with a very small, rotating group of 3 or 4 mutual friends. I simply lack the energy, after those dues are paid, to maintain relationships with the other people who deserve my attention by virtue of mutual affection.
It's exhausting, and numbing, and really fucking frustrating. Because invariably my excuse for things is "I'm sorry, I need to spend some time with Jon", and since that's a large percentage of my limited spare time, to outsiders it must feel like that is all I do, and I am constantly ignoring them in favor of a romantic relationship that has swallowed me whole and allows no exits. This is a warped perception, of course, but it seems to be what the surface shows.
This comes to mind tonight because of Griffin's going-away party. He is leaving the country for an indeterminate amount of time. I asked him out for a drink a few weeks ago but it never worked out due to conflicting schedules; but today he is having a party and I am not going. He texted me today and asked what I was doing tonight; I told him I couldn't make it. It's complicated. He asked what my "wonderful excuse" was, and I told him that not only did I have prior plans, but I am, well, not on the sober wagon but at the very least walking alongside it (long story) and between that and not knowing anyone else at the party, would be a terrible guest. I would be nothing but a sober, wallflowering downer.
Also. There are other things. I shall not speak of them now. But suffice it to say...THINGS.
Oof.
This is really hard. I feel like a wrung out sponge. I don't have the energy for this! I am not a master juggler. I cannot poosibly keep so many balls in the air without dropping some.
Okay.
On the Brighter Side:
I have been getting a lot of reading done, and have an impressive stack of library books waiting for me. Finished Middlesex and Children of the Mind (OMG FINALLY), and am halfway through A Feast for Crows (in anticipation of the DWD release, obv). The stack currently consists of: The Golden Key (re-read), No Country for Old Men, Oryx and Crake, Starship Troopers, Hidden Empire, and The Green and the Grey.
It's not that we spend every waking moment together. In fact, it's the opposite. We both work full-time. He goes to school, I to taekwondo. One of us sees the therapist weekly, alternating Mondays. He has 5 to 7 hours of homework a week, I have equal amounts of housework and cleaning that need to get done to retain my sanity and both our health. When we have time off, we watch Stargate in an exhausted stupor, play Magic: The Gathering (as of about a week ago; more on that later), sex, or hang out with a very small, rotating group of 3 or 4 mutual friends. I simply lack the energy, after those dues are paid, to maintain relationships with the other people who deserve my attention by virtue of mutual affection.
It's exhausting, and numbing, and really fucking frustrating. Because invariably my excuse for things is "I'm sorry, I need to spend some time with Jon", and since that's a large percentage of my limited spare time, to outsiders it must feel like that is all I do, and I am constantly ignoring them in favor of a romantic relationship that has swallowed me whole and allows no exits. This is a warped perception, of course, but it seems to be what the surface shows.
This comes to mind tonight because of Griffin's going-away party. He is leaving the country for an indeterminate amount of time. I asked him out for a drink a few weeks ago but it never worked out due to conflicting schedules; but today he is having a party and I am not going. He texted me today and asked what I was doing tonight; I told him I couldn't make it. It's complicated. He asked what my "wonderful excuse" was, and I told him that not only did I have prior plans, but I am, well, not on the sober wagon but at the very least walking alongside it (long story) and between that and not knowing anyone else at the party, would be a terrible guest. I would be nothing but a sober, wallflowering downer.
Also. There are other things. I shall not speak of them now. But suffice it to say...THINGS.
Oof.
This is really hard. I feel like a wrung out sponge. I don't have the energy for this! I am not a master juggler. I cannot poosibly keep so many balls in the air without dropping some.
Okay.
On the Brighter Side:
I have been getting a lot of reading done, and have an impressive stack of library books waiting for me. Finished Middlesex and Children of the Mind (OMG FINALLY), and am halfway through A Feast for Crows (in anticipation of the DWD release, obv). The stack currently consists of: The Golden Key (re-read), No Country for Old Men, Oryx and Crake, Starship Troopers, Hidden Empire, and The Green and the Grey.