Fic: Steady As She Goes (31/86), Blue Cortina, dakfinv
Title: Steady As She Goes (31/86)
Author: dak
Word Count: 1254 this part; [55,278 overall]
Summary for Whole: After an accidental shooting at the station, Gene struggles to keep his team from tearing themselves apart.
Summary this Part: Oh noes.
Rating: still Blue-ish Cortina, uhm, what's slightly darker than blue?
Warnings: angst, swearing, violence, violent imagery, minor drug use, mild sexual situations, self-harm for whole
Spoilers: none here; see each chapter for specific spoiler warnings
Pairing: mild Sam/Annie, Sam/Maya
Disclaimer: Belongs to BBC/Kudos
A/N: Just remember it has to get worse before it can get better...
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69 Part 70 Part 71 Part 72 Part 73 Part 74 Part 75 Part 76 Part 77 Part 78 Part 79 Part 80 Part 81 Part 82 Part 83 Part 84 Part 85 Part 86
The door opened softly and was shut just as quietly. Sam knew who it was without even looking up. Granted, he didn’t know anyone else who wore white loafers like those but that wasn’t how he knew it was Gene.
Sam stared at the blood trickling down his left wrist, little rivulets emerging from under the bandage. It wasn’t much, no more than an innocent scratch would produce. Sam knew he should get someone in to look at it nonetheless, however his throat had closed on Gene’s return. The nurse hadn’t been in yet to check his stitches. Either Merrick had lied or someone had distracted him. Gene’s entrance proved the latter without necessarily disproving the former.
Gene didn’t sit down this time. He stayed stoically by the door. Sam could picture him without even looking. Shoulders back, hands in his pockets, hair messy, green eyes boring into their target. Sam knew he was the target and hated it.
Gene stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity. Sam quickened his breathing in order to fill the room with sound. After another minute he realized he was no longer in control of his lungs. He was hyperventilating and this made him panic all the more. Gene remained by the door. There was no comforting hand on Sam’s shoulder. No calming words whispered through smoky, whiskey-laced breath. Not this time.
Sam knew he had to fix this himself. He wouldn’t let himself be strapped to the bed anymore. He clenched his eyes shut and focused on happy memories. His mum. The first time he saw Maya. The first time he saw Annie. The rugby game in which he broke his arm holding back Stevie Clemens so that Bobby could score and win them the match. Mum had been furious. The team had been elated. Sam had done something good, something right. The lads had fought over who’d get to sign the cast first, then had paid for Sam’s ice cream at the shop. He’d been sixteen and it was the first time Sam had ever felt truly accepted by his peers.
He finished replaying the memory and noticed his breathing had returned to normal. He opened his eyes. The white loafers hadn’t moved from the door. Sam cautiously lifted his head taking in the brown pants, the pale green shirt tucked into the waistband, the ever-present camel coat.
Sam had been wrong, though. Gene’s arms were folded across his chest, not stuffed in his pockets. His eyes, too, Gene’s gaze was colder than Sam could ever have imagined. Sam’s tired hazel eyes locked onto Gene’s harsh green pair. Sam suddenly knew he was pleading with Gene. Begging for understanding, for forgiveness, for...
"I just lied through my teeth for you."
Before Sam could comprehend Gene’s words the Guv spoke again, his voice no more than a whisper.
"The second you’re out of here I’m sending you back to Hyde. I can’t have this on my team."
The door opened as softly as before and closed just the same. Sam lowered his head and watched the blood dry on his arm.
Sam knew he had to fix this himself.
*
Gene finished beating the shit out of his steering wheel and collapsed his head onto his outstretched arms. He swallowed back the pain and slouched down against the seat, pulling out his pack of Marlboro’s, extracting the last cigarette from the packaging.
As the lighter clicked and the cigarette glowed Gene inhaled deeply and knew. He knew no amount of nicotine or alcohol could replace what he just lost.
But damned if he wasn’t going to try.
*
Ray, Chris, and Annie were finishing up the paperwork on the burglarized grocers. It had been surprisingly simple. A few older kids trying to impress a few disinterested girls by pretending to be tough. When all the police cars, uniformed officers, and forensics teams and arrived they panicked and confessed, terrified of being imprisoned with real convicts. The fact they had confessed to Chris only made the situation even more amusing.
The general feeling of goodwill in CID evaporated when they heard Gene enter his office. He’d used the back entrance, the one directly accessible from the corridor, but he wasn’t attempting to go unnoticed. Everyone clearly heard him yank open cabinet doors, followed by the sound of clinking glass. A bottle and a tumbler dropped onto the desk. Gene didn’t care they knew he was there. He just hadn’t wanted to see them.
Annie snatched up her purse and jacket and whispered to Ray and Chris. "I’m going to check on Sam."
The men nodded in unison and Annie was out the door as the sound of Gene pouring himself another drink echoed through the silent office.
*
"Oh thank goodness!"
Sam looked up from the case file to see Annie’s shocked, yet relieved, face appear in the doorway.
"I thought you were dead! Or unconscious again." She closed the door and sat by the bed, dropping her purse to the floor. "Chris an’ Ray’ll be so relieved. Well, Chris will be anyway."
Sam kept reading the file. "Gene went back to the station, did he?"
"You two have an argument?"
Sam stopped staring at the file, his eyes lost in thought. "Annie. You don’t think I’m crazy do you?"
Annie squirmed in her seat. "I don’t think this is the time, sir..."
"I know I say odd things. My methods are unorthodox by...today’s standards, anyway. I know I’m a man but I still know how to cook chicken with fruit. But I’m not mad." He finally looked at Annie and she’d never seen him that focused.
"I think you’re easily stressed, a bit neurotic sometimes, but...even what you told me about Hyde...no. I don’t think you’re completely mad."
Sam let out a small laugh and went back to the file. "The Guv doesn’t agree with you."
"Well you two never see eye to eye on anything..."
"He knows about Hyde. About where I said I’m really from."
Sam could hear Annie gasp as she covered her mouth with her hand.
"How?"
"Apparently I’m quite talkative in a febrile state."
"Oh Sam..."
Sam flipped a page in the file completely disinterested in the conversation. Annie knew what he was doing. He was doing what Sam always did - focusing on work to forget about the pain. Not entirely healthy but better than the alternative. More like his old self at least.
"He wants to transfer me back to Hyde. As soon as I’m well enough--"
"He can’t!" Annie cut him off.
"He can, actually. He is my DCI. If he doesn’t want me..."
Annie saw a crack in Sam’s calm facade, which he quickly hid by staring harder at the file. "I don’t want to go. To that Hyde anyway."
"But when the Guv sets his mind on something..."
"I know. Which is why I’m reading this." Sam held up the file. It was a copy of Sam’s kidnapping. The copy, without photos, Chris had made for the Guv to bring to Sam. "Gene’s right. I’m the best chance of finding them. I just...I need to remember something, anything, that can help us."
"You think if you find them, the Guv won’t transfer you?"
Sam shrugged. "I think it couldn’t hurt."
"How are you going to find them, stuck in here?"
Sam flashed Annie a smile. That smile that convinced her every time he really was human. It happened so rarely nowadays.
"Well I could always use a little help from the outside."
_________
Part 32
Author: dak
Word Count: 1254 this part; [55,278 overall]
Summary for Whole: After an accidental shooting at the station, Gene struggles to keep his team from tearing themselves apart.
Summary this Part: Oh noes.
Rating: still Blue-ish Cortina, uhm, what's slightly darker than blue?
Warnings: angst, swearing, violence, violent imagery, minor drug use, mild sexual situations, self-harm for whole
Spoilers: none here; see each chapter for specific spoiler warnings
Pairing: mild Sam/Annie, Sam/Maya
Disclaimer: Belongs to BBC/Kudos
A/N: Just remember it has to get worse before it can get better...
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45 Part 46 Part 47 Part 48 Part 49 Part 50 Part 51 Part 52 Part 53 Part 54 Part 55 Part 56 Part 57 Part 58 Part 59 Part 60 Part 61 Part 62 Part 63 Part 64 Part 65 Part 66 Part 67 Part 68 Part 69 Part 70 Part 71 Part 72 Part 73 Part 74 Part 75 Part 76 Part 77 Part 78 Part 79 Part 80 Part 81 Part 82 Part 83 Part 84 Part 85 Part 86
The door opened softly and was shut just as quietly. Sam knew who it was without even looking up. Granted, he didn’t know anyone else who wore white loafers like those but that wasn’t how he knew it was Gene.
Sam stared at the blood trickling down his left wrist, little rivulets emerging from under the bandage. It wasn’t much, no more than an innocent scratch would produce. Sam knew he should get someone in to look at it nonetheless, however his throat had closed on Gene’s return. The nurse hadn’t been in yet to check his stitches. Either Merrick had lied or someone had distracted him. Gene’s entrance proved the latter without necessarily disproving the former.
Gene didn’t sit down this time. He stayed stoically by the door. Sam could picture him without even looking. Shoulders back, hands in his pockets, hair messy, green eyes boring into their target. Sam knew he was the target and hated it.
Gene stood motionless for what seemed like an eternity. Sam quickened his breathing in order to fill the room with sound. After another minute he realized he was no longer in control of his lungs. He was hyperventilating and this made him panic all the more. Gene remained by the door. There was no comforting hand on Sam’s shoulder. No calming words whispered through smoky, whiskey-laced breath. Not this time.
Sam knew he had to fix this himself. He wouldn’t let himself be strapped to the bed anymore. He clenched his eyes shut and focused on happy memories. His mum. The first time he saw Maya. The first time he saw Annie. The rugby game in which he broke his arm holding back Stevie Clemens so that Bobby could score and win them the match. Mum had been furious. The team had been elated. Sam had done something good, something right. The lads had fought over who’d get to sign the cast first, then had paid for Sam’s ice cream at the shop. He’d been sixteen and it was the first time Sam had ever felt truly accepted by his peers.
He finished replaying the memory and noticed his breathing had returned to normal. He opened his eyes. The white loafers hadn’t moved from the door. Sam cautiously lifted his head taking in the brown pants, the pale green shirt tucked into the waistband, the ever-present camel coat.
Sam had been wrong, though. Gene’s arms were folded across his chest, not stuffed in his pockets. His eyes, too, Gene’s gaze was colder than Sam could ever have imagined. Sam’s tired hazel eyes locked onto Gene’s harsh green pair. Sam suddenly knew he was pleading with Gene. Begging for understanding, for forgiveness, for...
"I just lied through my teeth for you."
Before Sam could comprehend Gene’s words the Guv spoke again, his voice no more than a whisper.
"The second you’re out of here I’m sending you back to Hyde. I can’t have this on my team."
The door opened as softly as before and closed just the same. Sam lowered his head and watched the blood dry on his arm.
Sam knew he had to fix this himself.
*
Gene finished beating the shit out of his steering wheel and collapsed his head onto his outstretched arms. He swallowed back the pain and slouched down against the seat, pulling out his pack of Marlboro’s, extracting the last cigarette from the packaging.
As the lighter clicked and the cigarette glowed Gene inhaled deeply and knew. He knew no amount of nicotine or alcohol could replace what he just lost.
But damned if he wasn’t going to try.
*
Ray, Chris, and Annie were finishing up the paperwork on the burglarized grocers. It had been surprisingly simple. A few older kids trying to impress a few disinterested girls by pretending to be tough. When all the police cars, uniformed officers, and forensics teams and arrived they panicked and confessed, terrified of being imprisoned with real convicts. The fact they had confessed to Chris only made the situation even more amusing.
The general feeling of goodwill in CID evaporated when they heard Gene enter his office. He’d used the back entrance, the one directly accessible from the corridor, but he wasn’t attempting to go unnoticed. Everyone clearly heard him yank open cabinet doors, followed by the sound of clinking glass. A bottle and a tumbler dropped onto the desk. Gene didn’t care they knew he was there. He just hadn’t wanted to see them.
Annie snatched up her purse and jacket and whispered to Ray and Chris. "I’m going to check on Sam."
The men nodded in unison and Annie was out the door as the sound of Gene pouring himself another drink echoed through the silent office.
*
"Oh thank goodness!"
Sam looked up from the case file to see Annie’s shocked, yet relieved, face appear in the doorway.
"I thought you were dead! Or unconscious again." She closed the door and sat by the bed, dropping her purse to the floor. "Chris an’ Ray’ll be so relieved. Well, Chris will be anyway."
Sam kept reading the file. "Gene went back to the station, did he?"
"You two have an argument?"
Sam stopped staring at the file, his eyes lost in thought. "Annie. You don’t think I’m crazy do you?"
Annie squirmed in her seat. "I don’t think this is the time, sir..."
"I know I say odd things. My methods are unorthodox by...today’s standards, anyway. I know I’m a man but I still know how to cook chicken with fruit. But I’m not mad." He finally looked at Annie and she’d never seen him that focused.
"I think you’re easily stressed, a bit neurotic sometimes, but...even what you told me about Hyde...no. I don’t think you’re completely mad."
Sam let out a small laugh and went back to the file. "The Guv doesn’t agree with you."
"Well you two never see eye to eye on anything..."
"He knows about Hyde. About where I said I’m really from."
Sam could hear Annie gasp as she covered her mouth with her hand.
"How?"
"Apparently I’m quite talkative in a febrile state."
"Oh Sam..."
Sam flipped a page in the file completely disinterested in the conversation. Annie knew what he was doing. He was doing what Sam always did - focusing on work to forget about the pain. Not entirely healthy but better than the alternative. More like his old self at least.
"He wants to transfer me back to Hyde. As soon as I’m well enough--"
"He can’t!" Annie cut him off.
"He can, actually. He is my DCI. If he doesn’t want me..."
Annie saw a crack in Sam’s calm facade, which he quickly hid by staring harder at the file. "I don’t want to go. To that Hyde anyway."
"But when the Guv sets his mind on something..."
"I know. Which is why I’m reading this." Sam held up the file. It was a copy of Sam’s kidnapping. The copy, without photos, Chris had made for the Guv to bring to Sam. "Gene’s right. I’m the best chance of finding them. I just...I need to remember something, anything, that can help us."
"You think if you find them, the Guv won’t transfer you?"
Sam shrugged. "I think it couldn’t hurt."
"How are you going to find them, stuck in here?"
Sam flashed Annie a smile. That smile that convinced her every time he really was human. It happened so rarely nowadays.
"Well I could always use a little help from the outside."
_________
Part 32