Fic : Demons Part 23
Title: When Demons Come a Calling - Part 23
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 23
“You don’t have to do this, you know. I can run up and pack your things while you wait in the car.” Catherine looked from the stairs to the woman beside her. When they had left the hospital Sara had insisted on going to her place to pick up some clothes and nothing she or Brass said had dissuaded her. She had been a little surprised when the brunette had insisted on calling the detective but the moment he had come through the door the soft smiles on the both their faces began to clue her in too how close the two were.
The first thought that had popped into her head as she watched the interaction between the two, was that the real reason Sara no longer wanted Gil was because she had found someone to replace him. The tender way Jim held her hand and brushed his lips over her cheek seemed to reinforce that idea until the lanky CSI had smirked up at him and ‘Dad’ and ‘kiddo’ got thrown back and forth. Cath had only been able to stare at them.
She hadn’t had the opportunity to observe them together away from the job since long before she and Sara had been abducted. And after the brunette had been admitted to the hospital, Jim’s visits had been mostly at night when Catherine had been at home with her daughter. The blonde wondered if this was a new development in their relationship or if they had been so close before. And if they had, why hadn’t she known about it? It was something she was definitely going to have to ask the younger woman about once they were alone.
“Or you can both wait down here and I can go.” Jim was glad he had insisted that Sara call him when she was released from the hospital. She had told him about agreeing to stay with Catherine, but he’d had a feeling she’d want to come here after a few comments about not being able to wait to wear her own things. He just didn’t think she was ready to be pushing herself so soon.
Sara kept here eyes on the stairs. She knew her friend and her surrogate father were concerned about her health, but they didn’t understand. She had to do this, had to see. “Thanks guys, but I’ll be okay. I’ve had six days to lie around and they gave me a Lortab right before we left. Besides it’s just a couple flights of stairs.”
Looking at the stubborn set to her friend’s features, Catherine knew they had lost round two but she had to give one last ditch effort to talk the brunette out of it. “Yes you had six days where you barely got out of bed. You don’t have all your strength back yet and you shouldn’t be climbing all those stairs and straining something.”
Brass could see the argument brewing in Sara’s chocolate eyes and decided that it might be a good idea to defuse the situation before the storm broke. “You just don’t want us poking around in your drawers. You know I was married, I have seen women’s underwear before.”
The rising anger Sara had felt in her gut as they tried to deter her melted away as she grinned over at the man that had taken her into his heart and carved out a place for himself in hers. She didn’t even know why she was mad, they were just trying to protect her. “Yes but you haven’t seen mine and I prefer to keep it that way, thank you very much. Come on lets go, journey of a thousand steps and all that.”
As Sara took a deep breath and started up Catherine moved as close to her as she could, putting her hand on the small of the brunette’s back. She wished that she could carry the stubborn woman to her destination but would have to settle for making sure that the lanky CSI didn’t fall backwards. The blonde looked over at the burly detective as he mirrored her move and gave him a tight smile. If they couldn’t talk Sara out of it, they could at least support her.
The going was slow and as they neared her landing Sara slowed down even more. The sweat beading on her forehead, the frightened-rabbit beating of her heart, the cold clammy hands, the icy claws wrapped around her lungs had little to do with the climb though, the pain pill had worked its numbing magic well. It was the proximity to her own front door that had her in near full panic mode. She had thought she was ready for this but as Brass stepped around her to unlock the door, only the warmth of Catherine’s hand on her back kept Sara upright as the crushing weight of guilt fell onto her shoulders.
As Catherine was about to follow Jim into the apartment she felt the body under her hand begin to tremble. She looked over at the brunette and was immediately concerned by the pale sweat-soaked skin and wide eyes. “Sara, what’s wrong sweetie?”
The brunette squeezed her eyes closed, trying to block out the ghost that was currently stalking her, but she could still see it in all it’s grotesque glory. “That’s where he killed him. He just slit his throat and the blood was spraying all over the walls. God that wet gurgling sound as he tried to breathe, I can still hear it. He died right there and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
Catherine pulled the taller woman to her and wrapped her arms around Sara. Almost immediately the blonde felt hot tears that were not her own sliding down her neck. She hadn’t known that one of the officers had been killed inside the brunette’s apartment, only that both of the uniforms assigned to guard her had been murdered. If she had known she would have fought harder to keep the younger woman away for as long as possible. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll come back later and get your clothes.”
Sara pulled back from the embrace but didn’t break it. She wanted to look the blonde in the eyes, to make her understand, but not lose contact. “No. I have to do this. If I don’t go in there now, I’ll never be able to step foot in my own home again.”
Now that she knew this little trip really had little to nothing to do with clothing Catherine was a little upset that Sara hadn’t told her the truth, but the pleading look in the taller woman’s molten brown eyes wouldn’t allow her to actually be mad though. And the stubborn set of the younger CSI’s jaw told the blonde that trying to talk her out of it was pretty much pointless. She would just have to support her and be there if Sara needed her. “Ok, but we do it together.”
Sara leaned in until her forehead rested against the blonde’s and she whispered her gratitude. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but you should have told me from the start.” Catherine tightened her grip on the younger woman’s hips when she felt her start to twitch away. While Sara had started opening up to her a lot more, it was still hard for the brunette to remember that she didn’t have to face everything alone anymore.
Jim smiled at the tender way the blonde handled brunette as she scolded and comforted her. Sara had tried to explain the changes in her relationship with Catherine during his late night visits but he hadn’t had a chance to actually see it with his own eyes until today.
When he had walked in the door the blonde was sitting on the bed, one hand resting lightly on the younger woman’s stomach while the other tucked some stray hair behind Sara’s ear. It was such a tender moment that he hated to make his presence known. Unfortunately it was taken out of his hands when an orderly dropped a stack of metal trays in the hall and drew their attention towards him. Jim had put on a smile and quickly made his way to the bed to give the young brunette his customary greeting.
They talked for a few minutes until Sara began to get antsy and started complaining about hospital bureaucracy and taking forever just to print out a couple of stupid pieces of paper. Catherine had smiled indulgently and planted a kiss on the top of the younger woman’s head before going to find out what the hold up was. When Brass had shot a questioning look at her, Sidle had shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. Apparently over the last week this had become some sort of routine for the two of them and neither one of them thought anything of it. He just hoped for his girl’s sake that nothing happened to drive a wedge between them. Sara more than needed, she deserved, the kind of friendship and care Willows was giving her and if that was taken away it could set her back further than he would like to think about.
“You ready?” Catherine asked softly as she reached up to brush away the brunette’s tears.
“No, but I need to do it anyway.” Sara smiled sadly at the blonde before turning back toward her door. She tried to move forward but her feet suddenly seemed to be glued to the floor. She knew she had to do this. A cop, a fellow law enforcement officer who had been assigned to protect her, had lost his life in her foyer and she felt that if she didn’t acknowledge and face it she was somehow trivializing his death. It wasn’t until she felt a thin strong arm encircle her waist and warmth from the blonde’s lithe body leeching into her own that the brunette regained command of her legs though. One step, then two, three, a pause at the threshold and she was inside.
“The blood’s gone.” For the first time since she had stepped onto the landing outside her apartment Sara saw through the specters of Michael Thomas and Officer William Hankins.
“Ecklie actually had an almost-human moment and released the place to crime scene clean up a little early.” Brass had nearly had a heart attack when he had heard the assistant director had done it. Of course nothing was ever really as it seemed where the former day shift supervisor was concerned, Jim just hadn’t figured out his angle yet.
“I’ll uh, have to send him a thank you card or something.” Sara frowned at the unusual move. It was no secret to her that after she had told Ecklie exactly what she thought of him that he would like nothing more than to get rid of her. He had to have an ulterior motive, but right now she just didn’t feel like thinking about it.
Catherine was thinking along the same lines as the others and like them decided that it could wait until later. She had other things to deal with at the moment, like getting Sara away from the door and memories it contained. A gentle pressure on the brunette’s back had them moving further into the apartment and as they stepped out of the short hallway, the blonde got her first look at the younger woman’s living space.
The older CSI was so surprised by the décor that she barely heard the lanky woman ask Jim to help her get a suitcase, or noticed as the two of them disappeared into the other room. Whenever she had spared a thought about where Sara lived, Catherine had always imagined bare stark white walls, utilitarian furniture and a mini lab in the middle of the living room complete with microscopes, Bunsen burners and beakers. In other words she had expected to walk into a cold sterile shell. She would have never guessed the brunette to be surrounded by rich and soothing purple walls, beautiful black and white landscapes, intricately carved wood screens and an overstuffed couch and chair. It was cozy and warm and Willows now knew that it reflected perfectly the woman that lived there.
There was one thing in the room that she wasn’t surprised to see though. A large bookcase dominated one corner and was practically bursting it was stuffed so full. Catherine made her way over and began pursuing the titles and found that at least one of her preconceptions had been right on the money. All sorts of textbooks filled the shelves, from physics to ballistics and entomology to anatomy. Their glossy spines spoke of Sara’s dedication to and passion for her profession, but one volume drew the blonde’s eye only because it seemed to be out of place. The thin faded and cracked yellow book called out to Cath’s curiosity and she couldn’t help but investigate.
The blonde couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped when she pulled the thin tome out and turned it over. This was something she couldn’t see Sara reading, much less owning and keeping nestled among her collection of textbooks.
“What’s so funny?” Brass had left Sara alone in her bedroom at her insistence so she could pack her unmentionables in private and began his own inspection of the brunette’s home. He had come almost full circle when he heard an uncharacteristic tittering from the blonde.
Catherine turned toward the detective holding the book up for him to see. His reaction was much the same as hers, although in a much more manly tone.
Sara could hear laughter from the other room. Since she couldn’t remember if she had left out anything potentially embarrassing, she dropped the t-shirt she had been trying unsuccessfully to fold and walked quickly into the living room. Jim’s back was to her and Catherine was looking down, presumably at whatever was currently amusing the two of them, so she was able to get right up next to them without either noticing her.
The brunette let out a tiny sigh of relief when she saw what her friends had found so funny. It wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it was. Sara reached between the blonde and the cop and gently took the book out of Catherine’s hands. "Hey don't laugh. This book got me a full scholarship to Harvard."
"Curious George got you into college?" Catherine shot a smirk tinged with doubt at the brunette.
If it had been anyone else Sara would have snatched the treasured book from their hands and tossed them out on their ears. Luckily for the blonde and her surrogate father she trusted them more than she had anyone in her life. And since they already had the largest and darkest chunks of her past the brunette found she was okay sharing this small slice of herself. "The first day of kindergarten I was scared out of my mind. I had never been allowed around kids my own age and here I was trapped in a room full of them with absolutely no idea how to relate to them. My brother is eight years older than me and the only game he ever played with me was hide and go seek. I figured out later that the only reason he agreed to that was so that he could get rid of me until I got tired of hiding which usually took an hour or two.
Anyway, at nap time the teacher pulled out this book and started reading to us. No one had ever read to me before and I was fascinated. It was like watching tv in my head. I was never allowed to touch the television set and on the rare occasion my parents let me stay in the room while they watched a show, it was usually something that was over my head. This was something that if I could learn to do I would have some tiny bit of control, and it lit a fire in me.”
As the brunette stroked the front of the book reverently the blonde quietly raged at the childhood, or rather the lack of, which Sara had had. Catherine had loved reading to Lindsey, painting magical fairytale kingdoms for her, igniting her imagination and starting her solidly on the path of her future school career. How someone as intelligent and gifted as Sara could have come out of such a stagnant and hostile environment with no encouragement or care whatsoever, was a miracle.
Jim knew that he had failed his own daughter, sinking into the job and the bottom of a bottle. But during the early years, whenever he was home at bedtime, he was at Ellie’s side reading to her. It was one of the few things they had bonded over. He couldn’t imagine any parent not wanting to have that.
“Once all the other kids had fallen asleep, I just laid there staring at that book. Mrs. Ortega noticed I was awake and asked me what was wrong. I don’t know where I got the courage, speaking up in my house usually got me nothing but pain, but I told her I wanted to learn to read. She very kindly told me that was taught in first grade, kindergarten was where we learned our letters and numbers.
After a couple of weeks of watching me spend every recess and nap time trying to figure it out on my own, for some reason she decided to help me. I soaked up everything she told me and at the end of the year she gave me this book. I had never gotten a birthday or a Christmas present before so it became my most prized possession. I even managed to get the social worker to go back into the house and get it for me.” Growing up in a world of hand me downs and castoffs the first thing she had ever been given brand new and just for her had made the book all the more precious to Sara. Her mother had refused to buy her new clothes, saying that such a filthy child didn’t deserve them and would only ruin them so there was no sense wasting the money. Everything she had worn had either come from second hand stores, good will or things her brother had long ago outgrown. Even the toys she had played with had been her brother’s at one time.
The more she learned about Sara’s parents the more Catherine absolutely hated them and the more amazed she was by the brunette. Children should always be shown they were loved and cherished everyday, but especially on their birthdays. They should have parties surrounded by friends and families with cake and ice cream and gifts. Even that one year Lindsey had insisted she didn’t want a party just so she could spend time alone with her mom, the girl had gotten a ton of presents not only from her father and Cath but from the all guys as well. Everyone, except the brunette.
The blonde groaned to herself as she remembered what an ass she had been. ‘What’s the rule? How long do I have to be here before I start kicking in for gifts?’ Sara had only been with them a few months and the question on top of the frustration and uncertainty she’s felt at Lindsey’s determination not to have a party and Catherine had gone from zero to bitch in less than two seconds. ‘When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never.’
If she hadn’t been so wrapped up in herself she would have taken more notice of the flash of hurt in the younger woman’s eyes, but she had been too self-absorbed to care. It was entirely possible the lanky brunette had asked not because she was trying to be a smart ass, but because she really had no idea. It was one more thing, one more cutting remark, Catherine had to make up for.
“I’d better go finish packing.” Sara started to place the book back in its place on the shelf but then changed her mind. She wouldn’t be returning to the apartment for some time and she didn’t like the thought of leaving it behind. The simple children’s book had become something like a security blanket for her over the years, a reminder of what she had accomplished because one person had seen something in her worth their time when her own parents hadn’t.
Catherine watched the neglected and battered woman turn toward her bedroom, book clutched awkwardly against her chest. As Sara paused to gaze at her front door the blonde felt her heart lurch painfully against her chest. The brunette had taken the death of every one of Thomas’ victims hard but watching Hankins die in front of her eyes had been particularly traumatic.
“She didn’t react like this to the parking lot.” Brass had been the one to tell the brunette about the other officer after her move to a private room. He hadn’t wanted to add to her pain but she had a right to know and he’d wanted her to have as much time to prepare as possible. Catherine had been pretty pissed off at him but when he’d asked her if she’d rather Ecklie tell Sara when she gave her statement the blonde had agreed that it was better that it come from one of them.
“She didn’t watch him kill Jensen, she didn’t even know about him until a few days ago. I’m going to see if she’s about ready to go.” Catherine was still a little upset that the detective had told the brunette. He was right of course, it had to be done. She just wished she had been there when he’d done it. Sara had still been upset the next day and she had spent most of the morning just holding the younger woman’s hand and trying to comfort her.
When she stepped into the brunette’s bedroom, Catherine was once again shocked at the difference between what she had imagined Sara to be and the reality. With dark sienna walls, a burnished gold comforter draped across the large cherry wood bed and ivory candles of various shapes and sizes scattered around the room, it was sensual and sophisticated while still being cozy and comfortable. It seemed Ms. Sidle had a hidden talent. “Damn girl, you’ve been holding out on me.”
As Sara’s head snapped up with a confused frown on her face and Catherine waved her arm to indicate the room. “It’s beautiful, the whole place is. I need to hire you to do my house. I still have the same boring beige walls as when I moved in.”
“Uh thanks. You think you could give me hand closing this thing? I gave up folding as a lost cause and just threw everything in, but now I can’t get it latched.” Sara pointed at the overstuffed suitcase as she brushed off Catherine’s comments about her apartment. Having people in her private space, poking around in her things, trying to dissect her, made her nervous. At least Brass had kept any thoughts about her décor to himself.
Cath decided to allow the deflection since Sara, who was usually a miser with personal information had just shared a very significant turning point in her life. The blonde moved in front of the brunette and began rearranging the clothes, smiling softly when a slightly tattered yellow book corner was reveled. “I could have done this for you from the beginning you know. I’m going to see it all when I do laundry anyway. That’s what a good wife does isn’t it?”
The glare she tried to shoot the older woman was completely ruined by the smile creeping onto Sara’s face. “Yeah well you know me, stubborn to a fault. And for the record I can do my own laundry, dear.”
“Oh we’re back to that are we?” Catherine smiled back as she closed and latched the suitcase. “Well my house, my appliances, means I cook, clean and do the wash. At least until your cast comes off and then I’m going to put you to work.”
“Hey you started it this time.” Sara smirked at the blonde. She loved being able to tease and laugh with Catherine, it was something she had wanted ever since she had joined the team. Now that she had it she wondered where they would be now if they’d had this sort of relationship from the beginning.
Willows had to concede the younger woman’s point. “Yeah yeah whatever. Come on, we should get going so you can get settled in before Lindsey gets home from school. You know she’s going to be in your face the second she runs through the door.”
As Sara followed Catherine into the living room she thought about how much she was looking forward to spending time with the younger Willows outside of the hospital. While they had started getting to know each other during her visits, the sterile environment tended to put a damper on the atmosphere. She knew once she was in Lindsey’s natural habitat that the real girl in all her angsty preteen glory would be revealed.
When Sara turned toward the door she felt her entire body lock with fear. Intellectually she knew Michael Thomas was dead and there was no way he could be on the other side, but at that moment her heart and mind were at war. As Jim’s hand turned the knob the breath in her lungs froze, and the chill spread outward until even her toes turned to ice. The only warmth left in her body was concentrated in the ends of her fingers.
The brunette tore her eyes away from Brass’ back and looked down. She was surprised to see Catherine’s long elegant hand grasping hers. It was a little awkward because of the cast and the contact was minimal but at that second it was like she had been wrapped up securely in the blonde’s arms. Sara’s gaze traveled up the older woman’s arm until she was snared by crystal blue eyes. The warmth she found there began to spread until her body thawed and she could move again, breath again, live again.
Catherine could see the waves of fear receding from the younger woman’s liquid brown eyes as her body relaxed from its ramrod straight stance. She gripped Sara’s fingers a little tighter and drew her forward. Cath knew that the brunette was strong, that she had an inner core of pure steel, but right now it was brittle, and she needed support until it had hardened again. She hoped that after this trip that could begin to happen and she would do all she could to help.
Sara kept her eyes locked with Catherine’s until they reached the door. She paused for a second at the threshold and sent a silent apology to the officer that had died in that very spot, before letting the older woman pull her outside. She had done almost the same thing in the parking lot when they arrived, but since she had no idea of where Jensen had been when he died, it had been more generalized.
As Brass locked up behind her, the brunette felt a profound sense of relief. She knew the guilt she carried would never truly go away but she felt a little lighter having faced this particular ghost. She couldn’t have done it without the woman still clutching her hand though and not for the first time she marveled at how much she was coming to depend on the fiery blonde. What was even more astounding was that it didn’t make her feel weak to lean on someone else.
The trip down the stairs was quicker than the trip up had been and before Catherine knew it, Brass was putting the brunette’s suitcase into the back of her Denali. “Are you coming to the house Jim?”
“No he’s not.” Sara answered for the detective before he could even open his mouth. “He’s going home to get some sleep before his shift.”
Jim smiled at the protective tone in the brunette’s voice. Over the past week she had been on him to get more rest, even going so far as to try to make him take naps in the chair in her hospital room. “I guess I’m going home.” He pulled Sara to him wrapping her gently in his arms and placing a kiss on her temple. “You need anything kiddo you call me, no matter what time it is.”
“I will. Thanks, Dad.” Sara leaned into him and returned the hug as best she could. It seemed that every time she used the honorary title it became a little less so. The more she said it, the more it solidified in her heart and mind that this man was a real father to her.
Brass stepped back with a smile and handed his girl over to the blonde. He waited until Catherine had buckled Sara securely into the seat before he waved one last time and turned for his own car. He knew the brunette was in good hands.
Xxx
Grissom fumed as he watched the vehicles pull away. He had gone against his very nature for her, done something he found to be utterly repugnant, and this was the thanks he got. Of course Sara had no way of knowing that he’d gone to Ecklie to get her apartment released to crime scene cleanup before she had given her statement and the case had been officially closed. Remembering the smug look on the little bald toad’s face when he asked him for the favor was enough to make his skin crawl all over again.
No one had even bothered to tell him that Sara had been released from the hospital. He’d found out when he’d given up on trying to sleep and had called to get an update on her. Without a seconds thought he had driven over to her apartment desperate to see with his own eyes that she was well enough to go home, desperate just to see her at all, but still keep his promise to give her time and space.
So he’d parked across the street and waited to get even a glimpse of her. Imagine his surprise when Sara, Catherine and Brass had emerged from the building, suitcase in tow. Of course that paled in comparison to the astonishment he felt when the aging detective pulled the brunette into his body and kissed her.
It seemed the real reason Catherine had warned him off and that Sara didn’t want to see him was because she had already replaced him. Why hadn’t she just told him that? Why leave him hanging on, hoping that they could be together? Why did she want to hurt him like this? Was it because he had waited so long? Was she punishing him for his fear and indecisiveness?
A migraine the size of the northern hemisphere was forming behind his eyes at all the unanswered questions. Grissom knew if he didn’t get home and take his medication soon, he wouldn’t be able to function at all. Sara would have to wait until the chainsaw inside his head ran out of gas.
TBC
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 23
“You don’t have to do this, you know. I can run up and pack your things while you wait in the car.” Catherine looked from the stairs to the woman beside her. When they had left the hospital Sara had insisted on going to her place to pick up some clothes and nothing she or Brass said had dissuaded her. She had been a little surprised when the brunette had insisted on calling the detective but the moment he had come through the door the soft smiles on the both their faces began to clue her in too how close the two were.
The first thought that had popped into her head as she watched the interaction between the two, was that the real reason Sara no longer wanted Gil was because she had found someone to replace him. The tender way Jim held her hand and brushed his lips over her cheek seemed to reinforce that idea until the lanky CSI had smirked up at him and ‘Dad’ and ‘kiddo’ got thrown back and forth. Cath had only been able to stare at them.
She hadn’t had the opportunity to observe them together away from the job since long before she and Sara had been abducted. And after the brunette had been admitted to the hospital, Jim’s visits had been mostly at night when Catherine had been at home with her daughter. The blonde wondered if this was a new development in their relationship or if they had been so close before. And if they had, why hadn’t she known about it? It was something she was definitely going to have to ask the younger woman about once they were alone.
“Or you can both wait down here and I can go.” Jim was glad he had insisted that Sara call him when she was released from the hospital. She had told him about agreeing to stay with Catherine, but he’d had a feeling she’d want to come here after a few comments about not being able to wait to wear her own things. He just didn’t think she was ready to be pushing herself so soon.
Sara kept here eyes on the stairs. She knew her friend and her surrogate father were concerned about her health, but they didn’t understand. She had to do this, had to see. “Thanks guys, but I’ll be okay. I’ve had six days to lie around and they gave me a Lortab right before we left. Besides it’s just a couple flights of stairs.”
Looking at the stubborn set to her friend’s features, Catherine knew they had lost round two but she had to give one last ditch effort to talk the brunette out of it. “Yes you had six days where you barely got out of bed. You don’t have all your strength back yet and you shouldn’t be climbing all those stairs and straining something.”
Brass could see the argument brewing in Sara’s chocolate eyes and decided that it might be a good idea to defuse the situation before the storm broke. “You just don’t want us poking around in your drawers. You know I was married, I have seen women’s underwear before.”
The rising anger Sara had felt in her gut as they tried to deter her melted away as she grinned over at the man that had taken her into his heart and carved out a place for himself in hers. She didn’t even know why she was mad, they were just trying to protect her. “Yes but you haven’t seen mine and I prefer to keep it that way, thank you very much. Come on lets go, journey of a thousand steps and all that.”
As Sara took a deep breath and started up Catherine moved as close to her as she could, putting her hand on the small of the brunette’s back. She wished that she could carry the stubborn woman to her destination but would have to settle for making sure that the lanky CSI didn’t fall backwards. The blonde looked over at the burly detective as he mirrored her move and gave him a tight smile. If they couldn’t talk Sara out of it, they could at least support her.
The going was slow and as they neared her landing Sara slowed down even more. The sweat beading on her forehead, the frightened-rabbit beating of her heart, the cold clammy hands, the icy claws wrapped around her lungs had little to do with the climb though, the pain pill had worked its numbing magic well. It was the proximity to her own front door that had her in near full panic mode. She had thought she was ready for this but as Brass stepped around her to unlock the door, only the warmth of Catherine’s hand on her back kept Sara upright as the crushing weight of guilt fell onto her shoulders.
As Catherine was about to follow Jim into the apartment she felt the body under her hand begin to tremble. She looked over at the brunette and was immediately concerned by the pale sweat-soaked skin and wide eyes. “Sara, what’s wrong sweetie?”
The brunette squeezed her eyes closed, trying to block out the ghost that was currently stalking her, but she could still see it in all it’s grotesque glory. “That’s where he killed him. He just slit his throat and the blood was spraying all over the walls. God that wet gurgling sound as he tried to breathe, I can still hear it. He died right there and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
Catherine pulled the taller woman to her and wrapped her arms around Sara. Almost immediately the blonde felt hot tears that were not her own sliding down her neck. She hadn’t known that one of the officers had been killed inside the brunette’s apartment, only that both of the uniforms assigned to guard her had been murdered. If she had known she would have fought harder to keep the younger woman away for as long as possible. “Come on, let’s go. I’ll come back later and get your clothes.”
Sara pulled back from the embrace but didn’t break it. She wanted to look the blonde in the eyes, to make her understand, but not lose contact. “No. I have to do this. If I don’t go in there now, I’ll never be able to step foot in my own home again.”
Now that she knew this little trip really had little to nothing to do with clothing Catherine was a little upset that Sara hadn’t told her the truth, but the pleading look in the taller woman’s molten brown eyes wouldn’t allow her to actually be mad though. And the stubborn set of the younger CSI’s jaw told the blonde that trying to talk her out of it was pretty much pointless. She would just have to support her and be there if Sara needed her. “Ok, but we do it together.”
Sara leaned in until her forehead rested against the blonde’s and she whispered her gratitude. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but you should have told me from the start.” Catherine tightened her grip on the younger woman’s hips when she felt her start to twitch away. While Sara had started opening up to her a lot more, it was still hard for the brunette to remember that she didn’t have to face everything alone anymore.
Jim smiled at the tender way the blonde handled brunette as she scolded and comforted her. Sara had tried to explain the changes in her relationship with Catherine during his late night visits but he hadn’t had a chance to actually see it with his own eyes until today.
When he had walked in the door the blonde was sitting on the bed, one hand resting lightly on the younger woman’s stomach while the other tucked some stray hair behind Sara’s ear. It was such a tender moment that he hated to make his presence known. Unfortunately it was taken out of his hands when an orderly dropped a stack of metal trays in the hall and drew their attention towards him. Jim had put on a smile and quickly made his way to the bed to give the young brunette his customary greeting.
They talked for a few minutes until Sara began to get antsy and started complaining about hospital bureaucracy and taking forever just to print out a couple of stupid pieces of paper. Catherine had smiled indulgently and planted a kiss on the top of the younger woman’s head before going to find out what the hold up was. When Brass had shot a questioning look at her, Sidle had shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. Apparently over the last week this had become some sort of routine for the two of them and neither one of them thought anything of it. He just hoped for his girl’s sake that nothing happened to drive a wedge between them. Sara more than needed, she deserved, the kind of friendship and care Willows was giving her and if that was taken away it could set her back further than he would like to think about.
“You ready?” Catherine asked softly as she reached up to brush away the brunette’s tears.
“No, but I need to do it anyway.” Sara smiled sadly at the blonde before turning back toward her door. She tried to move forward but her feet suddenly seemed to be glued to the floor. She knew she had to do this. A cop, a fellow law enforcement officer who had been assigned to protect her, had lost his life in her foyer and she felt that if she didn’t acknowledge and face it she was somehow trivializing his death. It wasn’t until she felt a thin strong arm encircle her waist and warmth from the blonde’s lithe body leeching into her own that the brunette regained command of her legs though. One step, then two, three, a pause at the threshold and she was inside.
“The blood’s gone.” For the first time since she had stepped onto the landing outside her apartment Sara saw through the specters of Michael Thomas and Officer William Hankins.
“Ecklie actually had an almost-human moment and released the place to crime scene clean up a little early.” Brass had nearly had a heart attack when he had heard the assistant director had done it. Of course nothing was ever really as it seemed where the former day shift supervisor was concerned, Jim just hadn’t figured out his angle yet.
“I’ll uh, have to send him a thank you card or something.” Sara frowned at the unusual move. It was no secret to her that after she had told Ecklie exactly what she thought of him that he would like nothing more than to get rid of her. He had to have an ulterior motive, but right now she just didn’t feel like thinking about it.
Catherine was thinking along the same lines as the others and like them decided that it could wait until later. She had other things to deal with at the moment, like getting Sara away from the door and memories it contained. A gentle pressure on the brunette’s back had them moving further into the apartment and as they stepped out of the short hallway, the blonde got her first look at the younger woman’s living space.
The older CSI was so surprised by the décor that she barely heard the lanky woman ask Jim to help her get a suitcase, or noticed as the two of them disappeared into the other room. Whenever she had spared a thought about where Sara lived, Catherine had always imagined bare stark white walls, utilitarian furniture and a mini lab in the middle of the living room complete with microscopes, Bunsen burners and beakers. In other words she had expected to walk into a cold sterile shell. She would have never guessed the brunette to be surrounded by rich and soothing purple walls, beautiful black and white landscapes, intricately carved wood screens and an overstuffed couch and chair. It was cozy and warm and Willows now knew that it reflected perfectly the woman that lived there.
There was one thing in the room that she wasn’t surprised to see though. A large bookcase dominated one corner and was practically bursting it was stuffed so full. Catherine made her way over and began pursuing the titles and found that at least one of her preconceptions had been right on the money. All sorts of textbooks filled the shelves, from physics to ballistics and entomology to anatomy. Their glossy spines spoke of Sara’s dedication to and passion for her profession, but one volume drew the blonde’s eye only because it seemed to be out of place. The thin faded and cracked yellow book called out to Cath’s curiosity and she couldn’t help but investigate.
The blonde couldn’t stop the giggle that escaped when she pulled the thin tome out and turned it over. This was something she couldn’t see Sara reading, much less owning and keeping nestled among her collection of textbooks.
“What’s so funny?” Brass had left Sara alone in her bedroom at her insistence so she could pack her unmentionables in private and began his own inspection of the brunette’s home. He had come almost full circle when he heard an uncharacteristic tittering from the blonde.
Catherine turned toward the detective holding the book up for him to see. His reaction was much the same as hers, although in a much more manly tone.
Sara could hear laughter from the other room. Since she couldn’t remember if she had left out anything potentially embarrassing, she dropped the t-shirt she had been trying unsuccessfully to fold and walked quickly into the living room. Jim’s back was to her and Catherine was looking down, presumably at whatever was currently amusing the two of them, so she was able to get right up next to them without either noticing her.
The brunette let out a tiny sigh of relief when she saw what her friends had found so funny. It wasn’t nearly as bad as she thought it was. Sara reached between the blonde and the cop and gently took the book out of Catherine’s hands. "Hey don't laugh. This book got me a full scholarship to Harvard."
"Curious George got you into college?" Catherine shot a smirk tinged with doubt at the brunette.
If it had been anyone else Sara would have snatched the treasured book from their hands and tossed them out on their ears. Luckily for the blonde and her surrogate father she trusted them more than she had anyone in her life. And since they already had the largest and darkest chunks of her past the brunette found she was okay sharing this small slice of herself. "The first day of kindergarten I was scared out of my mind. I had never been allowed around kids my own age and here I was trapped in a room full of them with absolutely no idea how to relate to them. My brother is eight years older than me and the only game he ever played with me was hide and go seek. I figured out later that the only reason he agreed to that was so that he could get rid of me until I got tired of hiding which usually took an hour or two.
Anyway, at nap time the teacher pulled out this book and started reading to us. No one had ever read to me before and I was fascinated. It was like watching tv in my head. I was never allowed to touch the television set and on the rare occasion my parents let me stay in the room while they watched a show, it was usually something that was over my head. This was something that if I could learn to do I would have some tiny bit of control, and it lit a fire in me.”
As the brunette stroked the front of the book reverently the blonde quietly raged at the childhood, or rather the lack of, which Sara had had. Catherine had loved reading to Lindsey, painting magical fairytale kingdoms for her, igniting her imagination and starting her solidly on the path of her future school career. How someone as intelligent and gifted as Sara could have come out of such a stagnant and hostile environment with no encouragement or care whatsoever, was a miracle.
Jim knew that he had failed his own daughter, sinking into the job and the bottom of a bottle. But during the early years, whenever he was home at bedtime, he was at Ellie’s side reading to her. It was one of the few things they had bonded over. He couldn’t imagine any parent not wanting to have that.
“Once all the other kids had fallen asleep, I just laid there staring at that book. Mrs. Ortega noticed I was awake and asked me what was wrong. I don’t know where I got the courage, speaking up in my house usually got me nothing but pain, but I told her I wanted to learn to read. She very kindly told me that was taught in first grade, kindergarten was where we learned our letters and numbers.
After a couple of weeks of watching me spend every recess and nap time trying to figure it out on my own, for some reason she decided to help me. I soaked up everything she told me and at the end of the year she gave me this book. I had never gotten a birthday or a Christmas present before so it became my most prized possession. I even managed to get the social worker to go back into the house and get it for me.” Growing up in a world of hand me downs and castoffs the first thing she had ever been given brand new and just for her had made the book all the more precious to Sara. Her mother had refused to buy her new clothes, saying that such a filthy child didn’t deserve them and would only ruin them so there was no sense wasting the money. Everything she had worn had either come from second hand stores, good will or things her brother had long ago outgrown. Even the toys she had played with had been her brother’s at one time.
The more she learned about Sara’s parents the more Catherine absolutely hated them and the more amazed she was by the brunette. Children should always be shown they were loved and cherished everyday, but especially on their birthdays. They should have parties surrounded by friends and families with cake and ice cream and gifts. Even that one year Lindsey had insisted she didn’t want a party just so she could spend time alone with her mom, the girl had gotten a ton of presents not only from her father and Cath but from the all guys as well. Everyone, except the brunette.
The blonde groaned to herself as she remembered what an ass she had been. ‘What’s the rule? How long do I have to be here before I start kicking in for gifts?’ Sara had only been with them a few months and the question on top of the frustration and uncertainty she’s felt at Lindsey’s determination not to have a party and Catherine had gone from zero to bitch in less than two seconds. ‘When the spirit moves you, Sara. So, in your case, I guess, never.’
If she hadn’t been so wrapped up in herself she would have taken more notice of the flash of hurt in the younger woman’s eyes, but she had been too self-absorbed to care. It was entirely possible the lanky brunette had asked not because she was trying to be a smart ass, but because she really had no idea. It was one more thing, one more cutting remark, Catherine had to make up for.
“I’d better go finish packing.” Sara started to place the book back in its place on the shelf but then changed her mind. She wouldn’t be returning to the apartment for some time and she didn’t like the thought of leaving it behind. The simple children’s book had become something like a security blanket for her over the years, a reminder of what she had accomplished because one person had seen something in her worth their time when her own parents hadn’t.
Catherine watched the neglected and battered woman turn toward her bedroom, book clutched awkwardly against her chest. As Sara paused to gaze at her front door the blonde felt her heart lurch painfully against her chest. The brunette had taken the death of every one of Thomas’ victims hard but watching Hankins die in front of her eyes had been particularly traumatic.
“She didn’t react like this to the parking lot.” Brass had been the one to tell the brunette about the other officer after her move to a private room. He hadn’t wanted to add to her pain but she had a right to know and he’d wanted her to have as much time to prepare as possible. Catherine had been pretty pissed off at him but when he’d asked her if she’d rather Ecklie tell Sara when she gave her statement the blonde had agreed that it was better that it come from one of them.
“She didn’t watch him kill Jensen, she didn’t even know about him until a few days ago. I’m going to see if she’s about ready to go.” Catherine was still a little upset that the detective had told the brunette. He was right of course, it had to be done. She just wished she had been there when he’d done it. Sara had still been upset the next day and she had spent most of the morning just holding the younger woman’s hand and trying to comfort her.
When she stepped into the brunette’s bedroom, Catherine was once again shocked at the difference between what she had imagined Sara to be and the reality. With dark sienna walls, a burnished gold comforter draped across the large cherry wood bed and ivory candles of various shapes and sizes scattered around the room, it was sensual and sophisticated while still being cozy and comfortable. It seemed Ms. Sidle had a hidden talent. “Damn girl, you’ve been holding out on me.”
As Sara’s head snapped up with a confused frown on her face and Catherine waved her arm to indicate the room. “It’s beautiful, the whole place is. I need to hire you to do my house. I still have the same boring beige walls as when I moved in.”
“Uh thanks. You think you could give me hand closing this thing? I gave up folding as a lost cause and just threw everything in, but now I can’t get it latched.” Sara pointed at the overstuffed suitcase as she brushed off Catherine’s comments about her apartment. Having people in her private space, poking around in her things, trying to dissect her, made her nervous. At least Brass had kept any thoughts about her décor to himself.
Cath decided to allow the deflection since Sara, who was usually a miser with personal information had just shared a very significant turning point in her life. The blonde moved in front of the brunette and began rearranging the clothes, smiling softly when a slightly tattered yellow book corner was reveled. “I could have done this for you from the beginning you know. I’m going to see it all when I do laundry anyway. That’s what a good wife does isn’t it?”
The glare she tried to shoot the older woman was completely ruined by the smile creeping onto Sara’s face. “Yeah well you know me, stubborn to a fault. And for the record I can do my own laundry, dear.”
“Oh we’re back to that are we?” Catherine smiled back as she closed and latched the suitcase. “Well my house, my appliances, means I cook, clean and do the wash. At least until your cast comes off and then I’m going to put you to work.”
“Hey you started it this time.” Sara smirked at the blonde. She loved being able to tease and laugh with Catherine, it was something she had wanted ever since she had joined the team. Now that she had it she wondered where they would be now if they’d had this sort of relationship from the beginning.
Willows had to concede the younger woman’s point. “Yeah yeah whatever. Come on, we should get going so you can get settled in before Lindsey gets home from school. You know she’s going to be in your face the second she runs through the door.”
As Sara followed Catherine into the living room she thought about how much she was looking forward to spending time with the younger Willows outside of the hospital. While they had started getting to know each other during her visits, the sterile environment tended to put a damper on the atmosphere. She knew once she was in Lindsey’s natural habitat that the real girl in all her angsty preteen glory would be revealed.
When Sara turned toward the door she felt her entire body lock with fear. Intellectually she knew Michael Thomas was dead and there was no way he could be on the other side, but at that moment her heart and mind were at war. As Jim’s hand turned the knob the breath in her lungs froze, and the chill spread outward until even her toes turned to ice. The only warmth left in her body was concentrated in the ends of her fingers.
The brunette tore her eyes away from Brass’ back and looked down. She was surprised to see Catherine’s long elegant hand grasping hers. It was a little awkward because of the cast and the contact was minimal but at that second it was like she had been wrapped up securely in the blonde’s arms. Sara’s gaze traveled up the older woman’s arm until she was snared by crystal blue eyes. The warmth she found there began to spread until her body thawed and she could move again, breath again, live again.
Catherine could see the waves of fear receding from the younger woman’s liquid brown eyes as her body relaxed from its ramrod straight stance. She gripped Sara’s fingers a little tighter and drew her forward. Cath knew that the brunette was strong, that she had an inner core of pure steel, but right now it was brittle, and she needed support until it had hardened again. She hoped that after this trip that could begin to happen and she would do all she could to help.
Sara kept her eyes locked with Catherine’s until they reached the door. She paused for a second at the threshold and sent a silent apology to the officer that had died in that very spot, before letting the older woman pull her outside. She had done almost the same thing in the parking lot when they arrived, but since she had no idea of where Jensen had been when he died, it had been more generalized.
As Brass locked up behind her, the brunette felt a profound sense of relief. She knew the guilt she carried would never truly go away but she felt a little lighter having faced this particular ghost. She couldn’t have done it without the woman still clutching her hand though and not for the first time she marveled at how much she was coming to depend on the fiery blonde. What was even more astounding was that it didn’t make her feel weak to lean on someone else.
The trip down the stairs was quicker than the trip up had been and before Catherine knew it, Brass was putting the brunette’s suitcase into the back of her Denali. “Are you coming to the house Jim?”
“No he’s not.” Sara answered for the detective before he could even open his mouth. “He’s going home to get some sleep before his shift.”
Jim smiled at the protective tone in the brunette’s voice. Over the past week she had been on him to get more rest, even going so far as to try to make him take naps in the chair in her hospital room. “I guess I’m going home.” He pulled Sara to him wrapping her gently in his arms and placing a kiss on her temple. “You need anything kiddo you call me, no matter what time it is.”
“I will. Thanks, Dad.” Sara leaned into him and returned the hug as best she could. It seemed that every time she used the honorary title it became a little less so. The more she said it, the more it solidified in her heart and mind that this man was a real father to her.
Brass stepped back with a smile and handed his girl over to the blonde. He waited until Catherine had buckled Sara securely into the seat before he waved one last time and turned for his own car. He knew the brunette was in good hands.
Xxx
Grissom fumed as he watched the vehicles pull away. He had gone against his very nature for her, done something he found to be utterly repugnant, and this was the thanks he got. Of course Sara had no way of knowing that he’d gone to Ecklie to get her apartment released to crime scene cleanup before she had given her statement and the case had been officially closed. Remembering the smug look on the little bald toad’s face when he asked him for the favor was enough to make his skin crawl all over again.
No one had even bothered to tell him that Sara had been released from the hospital. He’d found out when he’d given up on trying to sleep and had called to get an update on her. Without a seconds thought he had driven over to her apartment desperate to see with his own eyes that she was well enough to go home, desperate just to see her at all, but still keep his promise to give her time and space.
So he’d parked across the street and waited to get even a glimpse of her. Imagine his surprise when Sara, Catherine and Brass had emerged from the building, suitcase in tow. Of course that paled in comparison to the astonishment he felt when the aging detective pulled the brunette into his body and kissed her.
It seemed the real reason Catherine had warned him off and that Sara didn’t want to see him was because she had already replaced him. Why hadn’t she just told him that? Why leave him hanging on, hoping that they could be together? Why did she want to hurt him like this? Was it because he had waited so long? Was she punishing him for his fear and indecisiveness?
A migraine the size of the northern hemisphere was forming behind his eyes at all the unanswered questions. Grissom knew if he didn’t get home and take his medication soon, he wouldn’t be able to function at all. Sara would have to wait until the chainsaw inside his head ran out of gas.
TBC