Fic : Demons Part 16
Title: When Demons Come a Calling - Part 16
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 16
Nurse Cooper gave the assembled group one more looked and then glanced back at the clock. They had been standing in front of her for the last fifteen minuets waiting to see her newest patient, and making a general nuisance of themselves. They had tried to talk her into letting them in early but she had told them in no uncertain terms that visiting hours started at six o’clock and not a second before. Now it was six on the dot. “All right you can go in one at a time for ten minutes. No exceptions. Miss Sidle is in room 12. The rest of you stop hovering around my desk and go take a seat in the waiting room.”
Grissom didn’t bother to ask who was going first, he simply started in the direction the nurse had pointed. The journey was short, no more than fifty steps, but it felt like fifty miles. He stopped at the open door and just looked at the brunette for a moment in shock. Most of her body was covered by a light blue hospital blanket, hiding the biggest extent of her injuries, but what he could see looked even worse under the bright sterile lights than the brief glimpse he’d had the day before. The bruises on her neck and arms were even darker, if that was possible, and her cheeks were sunken and sallow.
The wan figure on the bed was a perfect example of how fragile and fleeting life was, and that he had already wasted too much time. He moved quickly to the side of her bed, grasped her hand, and waited for her to acknowledge his presence. When she failed to move or even blink he leaned over her and found his voice though it sounded more like a strangled cry than a greeting. “Sara.”
She had of course noticed him the second he had come to the door but she wasn’t ready to face him, to tell him what had happened. Sara knew she would have to but everything was still too fresh, the guilt to heavy, the cuts to her soul too deep. So she ignored him even when it seemed he was going to sob over her.
“Sara I am so sorry. I’ve been such a fool, such a damn fool. I know I’m not a people person. I don’t deal well with the human element. I’ve let my fear rule me, let it stop me from admitting my feelings. When I found out that you were gone I realized that I could lose you forever and that scared me more than you will ever know. I know I hurt you but I’m asking you to please forgive me, to give me another chance. I promise you this time I won’t turn away, I won’t ignore your feelings or my own. I love you.” Grissom stared at her face waiting for something, anything, to show. He had just laid his heart at her feet and he had no idea if she was going to pick it up and hold it close, or crush it.
Sara almost wanted to cry, and she might have, if she wasn’t so angry. So he knew he had hurt her, huh? She really didn’t think he had a clue. All the little smiles, the discrete touches, standing just a bit closer than was necessary, all the little comments that had given her hope only to have him snatch it away again. Of course she had to lay a bit of the blame on herself. After all, she had allowed him to do it time and time again, she always went back for more.
It was an effort but she kept her eyes on the ceiling and her face impassive. If she let go of the tight reign she had on her emotions now she might not get them back under control. And Sara didn’t want to give him anything, not even her anger.
‘Since when do you care about beauty?’ ‘Since I met you.’
‘Honey this doesn’t look good.’
‘Do you want a copy?’ ‘I don’t need one. I have you.’
‘I haven’t seen you in awhile, have I?’ ‘You see me every day.’
‘Do you want to have dinner with me?’ ‘Noooo.’ ‘Why not, let’s go to dinner. See where this goes.’ ‘I don’t know what to do about…this.’
‘Someone young and beautiful comes along, someone you could love but you have to risk everything to have her. I couldn’t do it, but you did.’
Why the hell did he have to pick now to pull his head out of his ass and figure out what to do about this? Why now, when she was more fucked up than she had ever been in her life, did he decide she was worth the risk? She could almost feel sorry for him if she didn’t hate him so much right now.
If he had said these things to her a year ago it would have been different. Now she knew what her hero worship, her schoolgirl crush, really was. He was an older man that had shown an interest in her, in her mind and abilities. He had treated her kindly, asked her opinion of things and listened to her. Even though she hadn’t realized it at the time she had still been desperately trying to prove to her parents that she was worthy of being treated like a human being, worthy of being loved. No matter how much they had hurt her or how much they had despised her she, like any child, had desperately craved their love and attention. She had sought in him what she had never had in her parents and had convinced herself she was in love with him. With the help of her PEAP councilor, she knew better now. He had kept them both from making a terrible mistake.
Grissom made his way back to toward the waiting room when his time was up feeling all of his fifty years and then some. He didn’t stop to speak or even look at the others he just kept walking, needing to get away from that tiny room and the pain he had opened himself up to.
Catherine watched her former supervisor come out and walk past them in a daze. He looked absolutely crushed. She told the others to go ahead and went after Grissom. While she was desperate to talk to the brunette she had been the only one allowed to see her the night before and they needed to see Sara, touch her, to reassure themselves that she was alive and going to make it.
She found the entomologist in the hall, using the drinking fountain to splash water on his face. Putting her hand on his shoulder Cath turned him around to face her. “Are you okay?”
Grissom had long ago grown use to hiding his feelings, burying them deep where they couldn’t interfere with his life. Now the dam had broken and he wasn’t sure if he could repair it. “She’s so broken Catherine and I don’t know what to do. She didn’t even seem to realize I was there. She just stared at the ceiling.”
Catherine rubbed the portly man’s arm trying to give him a little comfort. “Gil you have to give her time. She’s been through hell and back, you can’t just expect her to bounce back from that overnight.”
“I’ve been such a monumental idiot all these years and I nearly lost her Cath. Why did it take this for me to see it? Why did I wait so long to tell her?” Grissom backed away from his friend to gauge her reaction. But what he really wanted was for her to tell him he wasn’t too late, that there was still hope.
Catherine was struck speechless for a moment. Did he mean what she thought he did? “Oh god Gil what did you do?”
“I told her I was sorry I had hurt her. I told her I loved her.” He was confused. When Sara had wanted to take that leave of absence wasn’t Catherine the one that had told him to do something, to make a move? All he had been able to give Sara at the time was a plant, even though he had wanted to.
Cath was enraged. How the hell could he be that stupid? She pushed him backward, barely resisting the urge to slap him for his insensitivity. “You really have no clue do you? Damn it Grissom that was the last thing she needed to hear. You have played with her for years, stringing her along and then pushing her away. The man that raped her just tortured her for days and you want to tell her now that you love her? What did you expect, that she would just fall into your arms? Just because Thomas didn’t rape her this time doesn’t mean she wasn’t violated. How can you be that damn self-centered? Go home. Just go home and leave her alone for a while.”
Grissom stared at Catherine’s retreating back stunned. He hadn’t expected that reaction. Was what he had done truly so awful? He needed to think. Walking out of the hospital without a word to anyone Gil went to the one place he and Sara had in common, the one place he felt truly connected to her, the lab.
Catherine stormed back into the waiting room. She took a seat away from the others not wanting to be around anyone just yet. She needed to calm down before she saw Sara. The last thing the younger woman needed was to see her boiling mad. She didn’t want Sara any more distressed than she already had been by that emotional midget. She was going to need to have a long talk with Grissom, once she could look at him without wanting to punch him.
The waiting was endless as each one of her co-workers went in, stayed their ten minutes and came out all with the same story. Sara didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t even seem to know they were there. Catherine was getting more and more agitated as her turn approached. Greg was the last one and his time was almost up. The second the former DNA tech reentered the waiting room the blonde was on her feet. She didn’t wait to hear what he had to say, she was sure she already knew.
Sara was exhausted. She never knew ignoring people could be so tiring. Nick and Warrick’s visits had been almost identical. They had both told her how much they loved her like a sister, how sorry they were that they hadn’t had much time to see her lately and how they would be there whenever she needed them. She realized pretty quickly that they didn’t know what had happened, otherwise they wouldn’t have been there saying those things to her. Once they found out what she had done they would turn their backs on her faster than a speeding bullet.
Greg had tried every trick in the book to get her to react. He had told her inappropriate jokes, made goofy faces at her and basically acted the clown. He had definitely made it tough for her. The only thing that had kept her silent was the thought of how he would look at her when he found out the truth about her. He had become like the kid brother she had never had and she knew that when he eventually turned disappointed and disgusted eyes on her it would break her heart.
When Catherine entered the room she found the brunette just as the others had said. She knew that it was an act because she had seen what Sara truly looked like when she wasn’t really there. The blonde shuddered at the memory and shoved it into the back of her mind, she didn’t want to think about that right now. “Hey Sidle I know you’re not one for small talk but don’t you think you could have at least said hello to the guys?”
Willows waited for nearly a minute before she got fed up with the silent treatment. She wasn’t just going to stand there and let Sara hide from her. She leaned over the bed, not realizing she was mimicking Grissom’s actions, and looked directly into the younger woman’s chocolate eyes. “Sara don’t you dare try to shut me out, not after everything we’ve been through. I know you can hear me so talk to me damn it!”
Sara couldn’t imagine why the older woman hadn’t shown up with a uniform to place her under arrest. How could she stand to be anywhere near her, much less act like she cared about her? Her resolve was breaking in the wake of Catherine’s impassioned plea and she had to close her eyes to stop herself from answering.
Catherine wanted to cry as the first tears spilled from the corners of Sara’s eyes. She hadn’t meant to upset the brunette. She just wanted to be let in. The blonde reached up and began to stroke the dark hair fanned across the pillow trying to sooth the younger woman. “Its okay sweetheart, please don’t cry. Shh, I’m sorry I raised my voice.”
Sara couldn’t take it. She didn’t deserve compassion, not from this woman, not after what she had done to the blonde and what Catherine had suffered because of her. It didn’t stop her wanting it though and in the end her need overwhelmed her good judgment and she wrapped her arms around Catherine, not caring about the pain of her abused muscles or the sharp agony from the overstretched stitches. Pulling the older woman down, she buried her face in soft blonde hair and sobbed out her guilt.
Catherine gladly sank into the embrace and let her tears mingle with Sara’s. The injured woman might not be talking but at least she was interacting. The blonde would take what she could get at this point. She just had to remember her own advice and not push the brunette, to give her time.
Cath pulled away long minutes later when she felt Sara’s arms go slack and then fall away. For a moment she was afraid the brunette was just into herself again, until she noticed that the lanky woman was asleep. She sighed and pulled a chair close to the bed and started running her fingers through the younger woman’s hair just to stay in physical contact. Sara looked so much younger than her thirty-four years when her face was relaxed in sleep and it brought out Catherine’s protective nature.
How could she have taken so long to see what an incredible person Sara was? Why did it take something like this for her to realize that she had totally dismissed the brunette without really getting to know her? Sara had been willing to give her life for someone that had made her life difficult from the first moment they had met. True they often managed to get along, sometimes for weeks at a time, but something always seemed to set them at odds again. They were both strong willed, passionate women, they were going to have differences of opinion. But somehow it always seemed to end up getting personal with them. But now that she knew she had been adding to the pain the younger woman had been put through most of her life, Catherine vowed that she would never throw another callous remark Sara’s way even if she had to bite the end of her tongue off to keep from doing it.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a nurse shooing her out so that the brunette’s bandages could be changed. Catherine leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Sara’s forehead before making her way back out to the waiting room. The others had already left to get a few more hours rest or take care of personal business before their shifts so she was alone for the time being.
“Hey Catherine, how’s she doing?” Brass gave himself a metal slap as the blonde jumped at the sound of his voice. After what she had been through sneaking up on her definitely wasn’t a good idea.
Cath had been staring out the window and hadn’t seen or heard the homicide captain’s approach. She looked up into his soulful eyes and gave him a sad grin. “Physically, as well as can be expected. Emotionally, she’s not doing so well. Jim, she wouldn’t say a word or even look at the guys. I managed to get her to make eye contact with me but she wouldn’t speak. I’m worried about her.”
“Sara’s strong and she has all of us to help her through this. We just have to convince her to let us.” Jim was gratified to see so much concern from Willows for the brunette. Catherine had never been one of Sara’s biggest supporters. She was nearly as stubborn as her younger co-worker though, so if she set her mind on helping Sidle, she would do it.
“I know she’s strong Jim, she’s so much stronger than any of us ever knew, but she’s been through so goddamn much. How many blows can one soul take before it shatters?” Catherine couldn’t help but think that this could be the thing that broke Sara. She didn’t know if they would be able to put her back together if that happened.
“You know something I don’t. Spill it Catherine.” It was obvious to the seasoned detective that the blonde wasn’t just talking about the rape Sara had survived all those years ago. There was something else.
“I’m sorry I can’t. It’s for Sara to tell when and if she’s ready. How did the shooting review go?” Catherine wanted to get his mind away from the subject at hand before he had a chance to ask more questions. The knowledge she now held was weighing heavily on her heart and as much as she wanted to lighten the load a little she couldn’t betray Sara that way.
Brass knew a diversionary tactic when he heard one but he decided to let it go, for the moment. “About the way I expected it to. Seems the higher ups want this to go away as quickly as possible. Two dead cops and two kidnapped CSI’s makes the lab and the sheriff’s office look bad. They’re trying to keep it quite with the media as well.”
“I got a call last night from Ecklie insisting that I come in today to give my statement. When I asked what the rush was since Thomas was dead, all he would say was they needed to close out the case. Then he had the nerve to ask me when I thought Sara would be able to give hers.” Catherine was still fuming at the arrogant little toad’s insensitivity.
“And you told him to go to hell.” Jim surmised by the angry and disgusted look on the blondes face.
“In a manner of speaking, yes. I think the exact words I used were ‘If you even try to talk to her before she’s released from the hospital I will rip your lips off.’ I don’t know if he’ll listen because all he said was that I was on mandatory two weeks leave and would have to see the department shrink before I could come back to work.” The way Ecklie had acted like she hadn’t said a word had made Cath see red. She had been about to tear into him when Lindsey had walked into the room and she had closed her mouth with an audible snap. Her daughter didn’t need to hear her use those kinds of words. If the man wouldn’t listen then she would just sit guard outside Sara’s room to make sure he stayed away from her.
Jim chuckled to himself at the mental image the blonde’s words conjured up. He could just imagine Ecklie’s clenched jaw as he bit back a retort to that threat. The man might be an egotistical jackass but it seemed he wasn’t stupid enough to cross Catherine Willows when she got her Irish up. He was going to tease her a bit but the arrival of a nurse telling Cath she could go back in to see Sara halted the words before he could open his mouth.
“You go ahead Jim, you haven’t seen her yet. I’ll go back in when you’re done. She’s in room 12.” Catherine offered the captain. She knew he had been extremely worried about the brunette, it was etched deeply into the lines on his face.
“Yeah I think I’ll do that. You take care of yourself and don’t let Ecklie get to you too much.” Jim gave Catherine’s shoulder a careful pat before making his way to the young CSI’s room.
At first glance he thought the battered figure on the bed was asleep until he stopped by her side and her deep brown eyes slowly blinked open. The second they settled on him though the brunette quickly closed them, eyebrows knotting tightly together. He couldn’t tell though if she was in pain or was unhappy to see him. “Hey there kiddo. I hear you’re not in a real talkative mood, but that’s okay. You and me we’re a lot alike you know, the strong silent type. But I got to tell ya I really can’t keep quiet about this.”
Sara knew that it was all over. Brass was going to read her her rights and cuff her to the hospital bed until she could be transferred to a secure ward. Of course she had expected it but she had hoped for a little more time. At least she was in Nevada and wouldn’t have to worry about being in the same prison as her mother.
“You gave me one hell of scare young lady and it got me thinking. This thing we have has worked for us up until now, but after the last three days I can’t go back to the way it was. You have a father and I have a daughter, even though she can’t stand to even be in the same city as me. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your dad cause I can’t remember you ever talking about him. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love ya kid, like you were my own. So if the position is open I’d like to put in an application and if not, well that’s fine too. I can just be the favorite uncle or something. That is if you can forgive me for not doing enough to protect you.” Brass watched as Sara’s eyes snapped back open to stare at him in disbelief. It was pretty clear that she wasn’t expecting that little speech. He just hoped he hadn’t been misreading her all this time and that the deep affection he felt for her was returned.
Sara couldn’t believe her ears. Jim wanted to be her dad? He loved her like his own daughter? Even her own father had never wanted her. Her parents had told her often enough that she had been an accident and was lucky to be alive. By the time they had figured out her mother was pregnant she was so far along that even the back alley butchers wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot long coat hanger. They already had their son, what could they possibly want with a useless brat like her?
Never before had someone wanted her just for her. Even if tomorrow he came to slap the cuffs on her and tell her what a monster she had allowed herself to become this was one memory she would treasure forever. Whatever darkness engulfed her in the future she would look back at this single moment of light with joy, someone had once loved her and hadn’t been afraid to tell her.
Jim was mortified as first Sara’s bottom lip began to quiver and then tears formed at the corners of her deep coffee colored eyes. “Hey come on now, you know I can’t stand to see a woman cry.”
Sara reached for his hand, squeezing it as hard as she was able to in her weakened condition. Jim had always shown her such quite concern, had always looked out for her without making it seem like that was what he was doing. She’d had no idea his feelings for her ran so deep though. She wanted to tell him that she would be proud to call him Dad and that he had come to mean more to her than her real father ever had. But the sudden lump in her throat prevented her from saying anything at all. Perhaps it was better that way, it would hurt him less when the truth came out.
They sat quietly for a while, it was enough just to be together. Neither one noticed the nurse until she emptied a syringe into Sara’s IV. “It’s time for your pain meds Ms. Sidle. You better wrap up your visit because you’re going to be out like a light in a few minutes.”
Brass thought the young woman’s estimate was a bit optimistic. Sara’s eyelids were already drooping and though she was fighting to stay awake she was losing the battle. He sat with her until her eyes failed to open again. He brought his new ‘daughter’s’ hand up and rested it over his heart for a few seconds before placing it gently back on her stomach and exiting the room, his heart a little lighter.
Catherine resumed her vigil at Sara’s bedside after speaking with Jim for moment when he returned from his visit. He had seemed upbeat and had even had a little smile playing at his lips, but all he would say was that he thought everything was going to turn out all right. She hoped so. The brunette was long past due for some peace and happiness in her life.
She knew that she didn’t have much longer before someone came to kick her out until the afternoon visiting hours. She needed this time with Sara though to prepare herself for the ordeal she was about to face. Just thinking about having to relive the horror they had been through made her heart race. Catherine reached up and began stroking the brunette’s hair, using the contact to ground and sooth herself. It was amazing how quickly the action brought her heart rate back to normal.
When a nurse finally came to tell Cath her time was up, she placed a tender kiss on Sara’s forehead in what was quickly becoming a ritual for her. With a quietly whispered promise to see the brunette later she left to go face the questions she wasn’t sure she was ready to answer.
TBC
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 16
Nurse Cooper gave the assembled group one more looked and then glanced back at the clock. They had been standing in front of her for the last fifteen minuets waiting to see her newest patient, and making a general nuisance of themselves. They had tried to talk her into letting them in early but she had told them in no uncertain terms that visiting hours started at six o’clock and not a second before. Now it was six on the dot. “All right you can go in one at a time for ten minutes. No exceptions. Miss Sidle is in room 12. The rest of you stop hovering around my desk and go take a seat in the waiting room.”
Grissom didn’t bother to ask who was going first, he simply started in the direction the nurse had pointed. The journey was short, no more than fifty steps, but it felt like fifty miles. He stopped at the open door and just looked at the brunette for a moment in shock. Most of her body was covered by a light blue hospital blanket, hiding the biggest extent of her injuries, but what he could see looked even worse under the bright sterile lights than the brief glimpse he’d had the day before. The bruises on her neck and arms were even darker, if that was possible, and her cheeks were sunken and sallow.
The wan figure on the bed was a perfect example of how fragile and fleeting life was, and that he had already wasted too much time. He moved quickly to the side of her bed, grasped her hand, and waited for her to acknowledge his presence. When she failed to move or even blink he leaned over her and found his voice though it sounded more like a strangled cry than a greeting. “Sara.”
She had of course noticed him the second he had come to the door but she wasn’t ready to face him, to tell him what had happened. Sara knew she would have to but everything was still too fresh, the guilt to heavy, the cuts to her soul too deep. So she ignored him even when it seemed he was going to sob over her.
“Sara I am so sorry. I’ve been such a fool, such a damn fool. I know I’m not a people person. I don’t deal well with the human element. I’ve let my fear rule me, let it stop me from admitting my feelings. When I found out that you were gone I realized that I could lose you forever and that scared me more than you will ever know. I know I hurt you but I’m asking you to please forgive me, to give me another chance. I promise you this time I won’t turn away, I won’t ignore your feelings or my own. I love you.” Grissom stared at her face waiting for something, anything, to show. He had just laid his heart at her feet and he had no idea if she was going to pick it up and hold it close, or crush it.
Sara almost wanted to cry, and she might have, if she wasn’t so angry. So he knew he had hurt her, huh? She really didn’t think he had a clue. All the little smiles, the discrete touches, standing just a bit closer than was necessary, all the little comments that had given her hope only to have him snatch it away again. Of course she had to lay a bit of the blame on herself. After all, she had allowed him to do it time and time again, she always went back for more.
It was an effort but she kept her eyes on the ceiling and her face impassive. If she let go of the tight reign she had on her emotions now she might not get them back under control. And Sara didn’t want to give him anything, not even her anger.
‘Since when do you care about beauty?’ ‘Since I met you.’
‘Honey this doesn’t look good.’
‘Do you want a copy?’ ‘I don’t need one. I have you.’
‘I haven’t seen you in awhile, have I?’ ‘You see me every day.’
‘Do you want to have dinner with me?’ ‘Noooo.’ ‘Why not, let’s go to dinner. See where this goes.’ ‘I don’t know what to do about…this.’
‘Someone young and beautiful comes along, someone you could love but you have to risk everything to have her. I couldn’t do it, but you did.’
Why the hell did he have to pick now to pull his head out of his ass and figure out what to do about this? Why now, when she was more fucked up than she had ever been in her life, did he decide she was worth the risk? She could almost feel sorry for him if she didn’t hate him so much right now.
If he had said these things to her a year ago it would have been different. Now she knew what her hero worship, her schoolgirl crush, really was. He was an older man that had shown an interest in her, in her mind and abilities. He had treated her kindly, asked her opinion of things and listened to her. Even though she hadn’t realized it at the time she had still been desperately trying to prove to her parents that she was worthy of being treated like a human being, worthy of being loved. No matter how much they had hurt her or how much they had despised her she, like any child, had desperately craved their love and attention. She had sought in him what she had never had in her parents and had convinced herself she was in love with him. With the help of her PEAP councilor, she knew better now. He had kept them both from making a terrible mistake.
Grissom made his way back to toward the waiting room when his time was up feeling all of his fifty years and then some. He didn’t stop to speak or even look at the others he just kept walking, needing to get away from that tiny room and the pain he had opened himself up to.
Catherine watched her former supervisor come out and walk past them in a daze. He looked absolutely crushed. She told the others to go ahead and went after Grissom. While she was desperate to talk to the brunette she had been the only one allowed to see her the night before and they needed to see Sara, touch her, to reassure themselves that she was alive and going to make it.
She found the entomologist in the hall, using the drinking fountain to splash water on his face. Putting her hand on his shoulder Cath turned him around to face her. “Are you okay?”
Grissom had long ago grown use to hiding his feelings, burying them deep where they couldn’t interfere with his life. Now the dam had broken and he wasn’t sure if he could repair it. “She’s so broken Catherine and I don’t know what to do. She didn’t even seem to realize I was there. She just stared at the ceiling.”
Catherine rubbed the portly man’s arm trying to give him a little comfort. “Gil you have to give her time. She’s been through hell and back, you can’t just expect her to bounce back from that overnight.”
“I’ve been such a monumental idiot all these years and I nearly lost her Cath. Why did it take this for me to see it? Why did I wait so long to tell her?” Grissom backed away from his friend to gauge her reaction. But what he really wanted was for her to tell him he wasn’t too late, that there was still hope.
Catherine was struck speechless for a moment. Did he mean what she thought he did? “Oh god Gil what did you do?”
“I told her I was sorry I had hurt her. I told her I loved her.” He was confused. When Sara had wanted to take that leave of absence wasn’t Catherine the one that had told him to do something, to make a move? All he had been able to give Sara at the time was a plant, even though he had wanted to.
Cath was enraged. How the hell could he be that stupid? She pushed him backward, barely resisting the urge to slap him for his insensitivity. “You really have no clue do you? Damn it Grissom that was the last thing she needed to hear. You have played with her for years, stringing her along and then pushing her away. The man that raped her just tortured her for days and you want to tell her now that you love her? What did you expect, that she would just fall into your arms? Just because Thomas didn’t rape her this time doesn’t mean she wasn’t violated. How can you be that damn self-centered? Go home. Just go home and leave her alone for a while.”
Grissom stared at Catherine’s retreating back stunned. He hadn’t expected that reaction. Was what he had done truly so awful? He needed to think. Walking out of the hospital without a word to anyone Gil went to the one place he and Sara had in common, the one place he felt truly connected to her, the lab.
Catherine stormed back into the waiting room. She took a seat away from the others not wanting to be around anyone just yet. She needed to calm down before she saw Sara. The last thing the younger woman needed was to see her boiling mad. She didn’t want Sara any more distressed than she already had been by that emotional midget. She was going to need to have a long talk with Grissom, once she could look at him without wanting to punch him.
The waiting was endless as each one of her co-workers went in, stayed their ten minutes and came out all with the same story. Sara didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t even seem to know they were there. Catherine was getting more and more agitated as her turn approached. Greg was the last one and his time was almost up. The second the former DNA tech reentered the waiting room the blonde was on her feet. She didn’t wait to hear what he had to say, she was sure she already knew.
Sara was exhausted. She never knew ignoring people could be so tiring. Nick and Warrick’s visits had been almost identical. They had both told her how much they loved her like a sister, how sorry they were that they hadn’t had much time to see her lately and how they would be there whenever she needed them. She realized pretty quickly that they didn’t know what had happened, otherwise they wouldn’t have been there saying those things to her. Once they found out what she had done they would turn their backs on her faster than a speeding bullet.
Greg had tried every trick in the book to get her to react. He had told her inappropriate jokes, made goofy faces at her and basically acted the clown. He had definitely made it tough for her. The only thing that had kept her silent was the thought of how he would look at her when he found out the truth about her. He had become like the kid brother she had never had and she knew that when he eventually turned disappointed and disgusted eyes on her it would break her heart.
When Catherine entered the room she found the brunette just as the others had said. She knew that it was an act because she had seen what Sara truly looked like when she wasn’t really there. The blonde shuddered at the memory and shoved it into the back of her mind, she didn’t want to think about that right now. “Hey Sidle I know you’re not one for small talk but don’t you think you could have at least said hello to the guys?”
Willows waited for nearly a minute before she got fed up with the silent treatment. She wasn’t just going to stand there and let Sara hide from her. She leaned over the bed, not realizing she was mimicking Grissom’s actions, and looked directly into the younger woman’s chocolate eyes. “Sara don’t you dare try to shut me out, not after everything we’ve been through. I know you can hear me so talk to me damn it!”
Sara couldn’t imagine why the older woman hadn’t shown up with a uniform to place her under arrest. How could she stand to be anywhere near her, much less act like she cared about her? Her resolve was breaking in the wake of Catherine’s impassioned plea and she had to close her eyes to stop herself from answering.
Catherine wanted to cry as the first tears spilled from the corners of Sara’s eyes. She hadn’t meant to upset the brunette. She just wanted to be let in. The blonde reached up and began to stroke the dark hair fanned across the pillow trying to sooth the younger woman. “Its okay sweetheart, please don’t cry. Shh, I’m sorry I raised my voice.”
Sara couldn’t take it. She didn’t deserve compassion, not from this woman, not after what she had done to the blonde and what Catherine had suffered because of her. It didn’t stop her wanting it though and in the end her need overwhelmed her good judgment and she wrapped her arms around Catherine, not caring about the pain of her abused muscles or the sharp agony from the overstretched stitches. Pulling the older woman down, she buried her face in soft blonde hair and sobbed out her guilt.
Catherine gladly sank into the embrace and let her tears mingle with Sara’s. The injured woman might not be talking but at least she was interacting. The blonde would take what she could get at this point. She just had to remember her own advice and not push the brunette, to give her time.
Cath pulled away long minutes later when she felt Sara’s arms go slack and then fall away. For a moment she was afraid the brunette was just into herself again, until she noticed that the lanky woman was asleep. She sighed and pulled a chair close to the bed and started running her fingers through the younger woman’s hair just to stay in physical contact. Sara looked so much younger than her thirty-four years when her face was relaxed in sleep and it brought out Catherine’s protective nature.
How could she have taken so long to see what an incredible person Sara was? Why did it take something like this for her to realize that she had totally dismissed the brunette without really getting to know her? Sara had been willing to give her life for someone that had made her life difficult from the first moment they had met. True they often managed to get along, sometimes for weeks at a time, but something always seemed to set them at odds again. They were both strong willed, passionate women, they were going to have differences of opinion. But somehow it always seemed to end up getting personal with them. But now that she knew she had been adding to the pain the younger woman had been put through most of her life, Catherine vowed that she would never throw another callous remark Sara’s way even if she had to bite the end of her tongue off to keep from doing it.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a nurse shooing her out so that the brunette’s bandages could be changed. Catherine leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Sara’s forehead before making her way back out to the waiting room. The others had already left to get a few more hours rest or take care of personal business before their shifts so she was alone for the time being.
“Hey Catherine, how’s she doing?” Brass gave himself a metal slap as the blonde jumped at the sound of his voice. After what she had been through sneaking up on her definitely wasn’t a good idea.
Cath had been staring out the window and hadn’t seen or heard the homicide captain’s approach. She looked up into his soulful eyes and gave him a sad grin. “Physically, as well as can be expected. Emotionally, she’s not doing so well. Jim, she wouldn’t say a word or even look at the guys. I managed to get her to make eye contact with me but she wouldn’t speak. I’m worried about her.”
“Sara’s strong and she has all of us to help her through this. We just have to convince her to let us.” Jim was gratified to see so much concern from Willows for the brunette. Catherine had never been one of Sara’s biggest supporters. She was nearly as stubborn as her younger co-worker though, so if she set her mind on helping Sidle, she would do it.
“I know she’s strong Jim, she’s so much stronger than any of us ever knew, but she’s been through so goddamn much. How many blows can one soul take before it shatters?” Catherine couldn’t help but think that this could be the thing that broke Sara. She didn’t know if they would be able to put her back together if that happened.
“You know something I don’t. Spill it Catherine.” It was obvious to the seasoned detective that the blonde wasn’t just talking about the rape Sara had survived all those years ago. There was something else.
“I’m sorry I can’t. It’s for Sara to tell when and if she’s ready. How did the shooting review go?” Catherine wanted to get his mind away from the subject at hand before he had a chance to ask more questions. The knowledge she now held was weighing heavily on her heart and as much as she wanted to lighten the load a little she couldn’t betray Sara that way.
Brass knew a diversionary tactic when he heard one but he decided to let it go, for the moment. “About the way I expected it to. Seems the higher ups want this to go away as quickly as possible. Two dead cops and two kidnapped CSI’s makes the lab and the sheriff’s office look bad. They’re trying to keep it quite with the media as well.”
“I got a call last night from Ecklie insisting that I come in today to give my statement. When I asked what the rush was since Thomas was dead, all he would say was they needed to close out the case. Then he had the nerve to ask me when I thought Sara would be able to give hers.” Catherine was still fuming at the arrogant little toad’s insensitivity.
“And you told him to go to hell.” Jim surmised by the angry and disgusted look on the blondes face.
“In a manner of speaking, yes. I think the exact words I used were ‘If you even try to talk to her before she’s released from the hospital I will rip your lips off.’ I don’t know if he’ll listen because all he said was that I was on mandatory two weeks leave and would have to see the department shrink before I could come back to work.” The way Ecklie had acted like she hadn’t said a word had made Cath see red. She had been about to tear into him when Lindsey had walked into the room and she had closed her mouth with an audible snap. Her daughter didn’t need to hear her use those kinds of words. If the man wouldn’t listen then she would just sit guard outside Sara’s room to make sure he stayed away from her.
Jim chuckled to himself at the mental image the blonde’s words conjured up. He could just imagine Ecklie’s clenched jaw as he bit back a retort to that threat. The man might be an egotistical jackass but it seemed he wasn’t stupid enough to cross Catherine Willows when she got her Irish up. He was going to tease her a bit but the arrival of a nurse telling Cath she could go back in to see Sara halted the words before he could open his mouth.
“You go ahead Jim, you haven’t seen her yet. I’ll go back in when you’re done. She’s in room 12.” Catherine offered the captain. She knew he had been extremely worried about the brunette, it was etched deeply into the lines on his face.
“Yeah I think I’ll do that. You take care of yourself and don’t let Ecklie get to you too much.” Jim gave Catherine’s shoulder a careful pat before making his way to the young CSI’s room.
At first glance he thought the battered figure on the bed was asleep until he stopped by her side and her deep brown eyes slowly blinked open. The second they settled on him though the brunette quickly closed them, eyebrows knotting tightly together. He couldn’t tell though if she was in pain or was unhappy to see him. “Hey there kiddo. I hear you’re not in a real talkative mood, but that’s okay. You and me we’re a lot alike you know, the strong silent type. But I got to tell ya I really can’t keep quiet about this.”
Sara knew that it was all over. Brass was going to read her her rights and cuff her to the hospital bed until she could be transferred to a secure ward. Of course she had expected it but she had hoped for a little more time. At least she was in Nevada and wouldn’t have to worry about being in the same prison as her mother.
“You gave me one hell of scare young lady and it got me thinking. This thing we have has worked for us up until now, but after the last three days I can’t go back to the way it was. You have a father and I have a daughter, even though she can’t stand to even be in the same city as me. I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your dad cause I can’t remember you ever talking about him. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love ya kid, like you were my own. So if the position is open I’d like to put in an application and if not, well that’s fine too. I can just be the favorite uncle or something. That is if you can forgive me for not doing enough to protect you.” Brass watched as Sara’s eyes snapped back open to stare at him in disbelief. It was pretty clear that she wasn’t expecting that little speech. He just hoped he hadn’t been misreading her all this time and that the deep affection he felt for her was returned.
Sara couldn’t believe her ears. Jim wanted to be her dad? He loved her like his own daughter? Even her own father had never wanted her. Her parents had told her often enough that she had been an accident and was lucky to be alive. By the time they had figured out her mother was pregnant she was so far along that even the back alley butchers wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot long coat hanger. They already had their son, what could they possibly want with a useless brat like her?
Never before had someone wanted her just for her. Even if tomorrow he came to slap the cuffs on her and tell her what a monster she had allowed herself to become this was one memory she would treasure forever. Whatever darkness engulfed her in the future she would look back at this single moment of light with joy, someone had once loved her and hadn’t been afraid to tell her.
Jim was mortified as first Sara’s bottom lip began to quiver and then tears formed at the corners of her deep coffee colored eyes. “Hey come on now, you know I can’t stand to see a woman cry.”
Sara reached for his hand, squeezing it as hard as she was able to in her weakened condition. Jim had always shown her such quite concern, had always looked out for her without making it seem like that was what he was doing. She’d had no idea his feelings for her ran so deep though. She wanted to tell him that she would be proud to call him Dad and that he had come to mean more to her than her real father ever had. But the sudden lump in her throat prevented her from saying anything at all. Perhaps it was better that way, it would hurt him less when the truth came out.
They sat quietly for a while, it was enough just to be together. Neither one noticed the nurse until she emptied a syringe into Sara’s IV. “It’s time for your pain meds Ms. Sidle. You better wrap up your visit because you’re going to be out like a light in a few minutes.”
Brass thought the young woman’s estimate was a bit optimistic. Sara’s eyelids were already drooping and though she was fighting to stay awake she was losing the battle. He sat with her until her eyes failed to open again. He brought his new ‘daughter’s’ hand up and rested it over his heart for a few seconds before placing it gently back on her stomach and exiting the room, his heart a little lighter.
Catherine resumed her vigil at Sara’s bedside after speaking with Jim for moment when he returned from his visit. He had seemed upbeat and had even had a little smile playing at his lips, but all he would say was that he thought everything was going to turn out all right. She hoped so. The brunette was long past due for some peace and happiness in her life.
She knew that she didn’t have much longer before someone came to kick her out until the afternoon visiting hours. She needed this time with Sara though to prepare herself for the ordeal she was about to face. Just thinking about having to relive the horror they had been through made her heart race. Catherine reached up and began stroking the brunette’s hair, using the contact to ground and sooth herself. It was amazing how quickly the action brought her heart rate back to normal.
When a nurse finally came to tell Cath her time was up, she placed a tender kiss on Sara’s forehead in what was quickly becoming a ritual for her. With a quietly whispered promise to see the brunette later she left to go face the questions she wasn’t sure she was ready to answer.
TBC