Fic : Demons Part 28
Title: When Demons Come a Calling - Part 28
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 28
Sara turned her head to gaze at her slumbering bedmate. It was three in morning and she should be sleeping but a couple of days ago she’d finally convinced the older woman that she really didn’t need a whole pain pill anymore. It seemed that without the full dose her natural sleeping habits were reasserting themselves at record speed. That in and of itself didn’t bother her. She had long ago gotten accustomed to surviving on four or five hours of sleep a day. What she wasn’t used to was lying in bed with nothing to occupy her mind, which was why she found herself watching the moonlight turn Catherine’s hair into a shining halo and her skin to alabaster. One of the masters couldn’t have sculpted a more perfect angel.
Sara knew she was allowing herself to become too attached to the blonde, but she just couldn’t seem to help herself. No one in her life had ever really taken care of her the way Catherine was. Her parents had always been loathed to get her medical attention when she needed it and they had never taken her back for follow up visits. She couldn’t even imagine her mother sitting in a waiting room for four hours to get stitches removed. Laura had always done that herself, sometimes taking them out too early so that the wound reopened, but usually leaving them in too long so that they pulled painfully as they were ripped out of Sara’s tender skin. Catherine though had never once complained the entire time they were at the hospital; she had simply held her hand and placed soft kisses in her hair every time the doctor had caused her to wince. Then the older woman had allowed Sara to do the same when her own stitches were taken out.
It was strange for her to open up so much to someone, to trust someone this way. In her experience trust had always led to disappointment and pain. But Sara couldn’t bring herself to doubt Catherine, not after all they had gone through and everything the older woman had done for her. Even the department shrink had agreed that having the blonde’s support was probably the reason Sara was doing as well as she was. Of course having prior knowledge of her past had probably helped the doctor come to that conclusion.
She didn’t know if it was by accident or design but somehow she’d found herself sitting on her former PEAP counselor’s couch. Sara had known that Dr. Ruth Burton was a full fledged psychologist but she had assumed the portly salt and pepper haired woman limited her participation in the Police Employee’s Assistance Program to the drug and alcohol counseling services. It had made it a lot easier on her though, she didn’t have to explain her background to someone new.
A groan interrupted her thoughts and Sara focused on the woman beside her. Even in the dim light coming through the curtains the brunette could see the fear marring the blonde’s face as she struggled within the nightmare. She scooted over as close as she could and ran her hand up and down Catherine’s arm in an effort to ease the older woman out of the dream.
The blonde relaxed almost immediately and Sara sighed in relief. She knew Catherine was losing sleep every night because of the brunette’s own nightmares and she wanted to make sure the woman was well rested for her return to the lab tomorrow. She didn’t know how she was going to handle trying to sleep on her own, but she couldn’t say anything. It would only upset the older woman and that was the last thing she wanted to do. Cath needed to be able to focus on work, not on whether or not Sara was afraid to be by herself.
As the blonde settled back into peaceful slumber Sara moved back toward her side of the bed. She knew she was probably just being paranoid, and she didn’t think Catherine would mind her touching her like that when she was asleep, but she didn’t want to take the chance that the woman would wake up and be offended. Anything that might drive a wedge into their newly established friendship was something she wanted to stay as far away from as possible.
Closing her eyes, the brunette tried to relax. She didn’t know what she was going to do with herself for the next few hours if she couldn’t get back to sleep. Lying there in the dark with nothing but her thoughts to occupy her was extremely unappealing but she didn’t want to leave in case the blonde’s sleep was disturbed again.
As if the brunette’s thoughts had called back Catherine’s demons from whatever abyss they had briefly retreated to, a whimper, low and mournful, escaped from the woman. Sara reached for the blonde once more but before she could touch the silky skin, she found herself being used as a human pillow. This was a first. The few times she’d woken up before Cath, the brunette usually found the blonde’s hand resting lightly on her stomach or over her heart, as if the woman had wanted contact but was being careful and protective of her even in sleep. But this was the first time the woman had practically climbed on top of her. Luckily she had healed enough so that as the lithe body snuggled into her own the groan that escaped her lips was only partially due to physical discomfort.
Sara’s libido suddenly roared back to life as Catherine’s furnace like petite body wiggled and slid against hers in an effort to find a more comfortable position and an elegant hand brushed across a very sensitive part of her anatomy. Pulling out a mental two by four, she beat her hormones into submission. This was definitely not the time or place for feelings she had believed long gone to resurface. It was pointless to go down that road again. All it would get her was another unrequited love for another unattainable person, and that was the last thing she needed. Because this time she was sure that was what it would be, love. Not some little crush, not merely a physical attraction but full blown, heart stealing, mind consuming, life eclipsing love.
The first time around it had been more an appreciation of the older woman’s outer beauty and forceful personality, more lust than crush. But now that she knew the real Catherine Willows, the caring, supportive, compassionate, hug giving, top of the head kissing, protecting her from herself woman, it was so hard to keep patching the chips in her walls that the blonde kept knocking out. But she had to. If she let those heavy stones around her fall, her heart was going to be obliterated and she didn’t know if she would be able to recover from that.
Sara forced herself to calm down. She could do this. Cath was more important than her momentarily confused feelings. She could hold the older woman in her arms and allow the blonde to get a good night’s rest, after all the kind-hearted woman had done so much more than that for her. All she had to do was keep reminding herself that she wasn’t in love Catherine Willows, she was her friend and physiological responses to pleasurable stimuli meant nothing at all. Nope, it didn’t mean a thing. She continued to repeat that simple statement like a mantra until sleep eventually reclaimed her.
Xxx
Catherine woke slowly, easily. There was no pre-teen yelling, no phone ringing, no alarm clock blaring, just a blissful silence and a warm soft pillow under her head. There was such a sense of peace and tranquility within her that she hadn’t felt in such a long time, she was reluctant to open her eyes because she just knew the second she did something was going to demand her attention.
She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so rested and she just wanted that feeling to last a little longer before she had to wrangle her daughter out of bed and convince her that, yes she really had to go to school today. A few more minutes before her mother stumbled out of her room and started complaining about how much time Cath spent at work, how she never saw Lindsey, how she was ruining both their lives. A second or two before Lily started the latest tactic in her campaign to drive Catherine insane. Lately it seemed like every time she turned around her mom was there watching her, scrutinizing her every move. It was driving her up the wall. She just wanted a few more moments to enjoy the arms wrapped so protectively around her before she had to deal with any of it. Was that to much to ask?
Arms? That wasn’t right. The blonde’s eyes flew open and she propelled backward when she realized that not only was her head resting on Sara’s chest but her hand was grasping the woman’s breast. She would have ended up in a heap on floor if not for the impossibly long toned legs entwined with her own. Catherine’s heart was beating faster than a humming bird’s wings as she looked up into sleepy and confused brown eyes. “Oh god Sara I’m sorry! Are you all right? I didn’t hurt you did I?”
Sara stared at the blonde in confusion. No one could ever accuse her of being a morning person and since she had only been awake for a matter of seconds she was a little disoriented. “Huh?”
Catherine was torn between embarrassment because she’d been draped rather intimately over the younger woman and concern that she might have harmed Sara in her unconscious search for a cuddle buddy. “Why didn’t you wake me up and tell me to get off you?”
“Um, because I was asleep?” Although Sara hadn’t had her first cup of coffee yet, it seemed like a pretty good explanation. “Its fine, I’m fine. No harm no foul.”
Unconscious or not, Catherine was completely mortified that she had been groping the injured woman. She needed to get away from Sara before she caused herself any more humiliation. “I should go make sure Lindsey’s up. I don’t want her to be late for school.”
Sara was suddenly wide awake and her heart clinched painfully in her chest as the blonde rushed out of the room and away from her. How could she have been so stupid? No matter how she had rationalized it, holding the older woman without her permission or knowledge was the wrong thing to do. Obviously she had been right to be hesitant to touch Catherine the night before, the blonde wasn’t as comfortable with her as she’d pretended to be.
Yes blonde seemed fine when she was the one initiating contact, but then she was the one in control. Not that Sara blamed her one bit. She would have a hard time trusting anyone who had nearly assaulted her, whether they had been tortured and drugged or not. Catherine had been more than amazing throughout this whole ordeal, but she had just gone and ruined it. And of course the annoyingly fatalistic voice in her head that sounded a lot like her mother decided to throw its two cents in to add to her misery.
‘You see! That’s what you get. You should know better by now than to let anyone close. No one has ever given a damn about you and they never will. She couldn’t get away from you fast enough you waste of air.’
There was only one thing she could think of to fix the situation. It wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done before the older woman decided that she completely hated her.
Xxx
Catherine absently flipped the last pancake onto a plate and placed it on the table in easy reach of her daughter. The entire time she had been cooking she had expected Sara to make an appearance but so far she had seen neither hide nor hair of the brunette. That meant the younger woman wasn’t as ok with what had happened as she had said. She could just absolutely kick herself.
The last thing Sara needed was any sort of sexual contact, even if it had been completely innocent and unintentional. Hell, hadn’t she ripped Grissom a new one just for telling the woman about his feelings when everything the brunette had gone through was still so fresh and raw? How was she supposed to look her in the face after she had practically mauled her? What the hell had changed last night that she couldn’t keep her damn hands to herself? Cath had been so careful up till now to stay on her side of the bed and only keep one hand on Sara to reassure herself that the battered woman was actually there, alive and safe.
The blonde had always loved to snuggle while sleeping. It was one of the only things she actually missed about being married to Eddie. With the relationships she’d had after her divorce, it just hadn’t been an option. She didn’t bring her boyfriends to her house and she couldn’t really sleep over at their place because she needed to be home for Lindsey as much as she could. It had been a rather lonely existence most of the time but she had gladly endured it to keep her daughter from being exposed to the losers and creeps that she seemed to attract.
Sara made her feel safe though and she had relaxed her guard enough to end up in this morning’s embarrassing position. But as awkward as that had been, the way she had woken up didn’t weigh as heavily on her mind as the fact that she had enjoyed it. For those few moments before she realized what she was doing Catherine had felt so secure and comfortable, it had felt so right, that she had relished the contact. But it was so very wrong. She had selfishly used the brunette and it made her sick to her stomach to think she was capable of that. It also seemed that the department shrink was off in his assessment that she was more concerned about Sara than she was herself.
“Catherine, I understand that Sara went through a horrible ordeal, but I’d like to hear more about what happened to you. How you felt, how you’re dealing with everything, how you’re sleeping.”
“I already told you I’m fine. I don’t know what else you want me to say. That I was scared? Well I wasn’t, I was terrified. I was terrified that my daughter was going to grow up without me there, that she was going to be an orphan. I was terrified I was going to raped and murdered. But when Sara started screaming…there’s no way I can describe that sound adequately to make you understand what it was like. I’ve never heard anything like it and I pray to god that I never hear it again. But what was worse was I never knew when she stopped if it was because he was letting her rest, she passed out, or because she was dead.
Then after everything she’s been through, she tried to sacrifice herself, not once but twice to save my life. She’s survived so much and it took her almost dying for me to really see her. So yes, maybe I am a little preoccupied with Sara but under the circumstances I think you can see why.” The urge to snap at the rotund man finally beat the last shred of Catherine’s patience into the ground. She knew she was being defensive and unreasonable but she didn’t want to be there and she was worried about how the brunette’s session was going down the hall. It had taken a little doing to get both their appointments at the same time, but she hadn’t wanted Sara to have to sit by herself even for an hour.
“I think I see what the problem is. You’re suffering from a form of survivor’s guilt.” Dr. Delanco held up his hand to forestall the protest he could see his patient was about to make. “Just hear me out. Sara endured torture after torture at the hands of that man, and yet you came through it virtually unscathed. So even though she didn’t die, she was so severely injured physically, mentally and emotionally that it is almost as devastating. But you are not responsible for her pain just because you didn’t suffer. Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t help her or look after her, from the sound of things she probably needs that more than anything right now. But I do want you to start thinking about yourself. There’s no need for you to feel guilty if you put yourself first. Now tell me how you’ve been sleeping.”
After their session, Catherine had been surprised when he told her he didn’t see any reason she couldn’t go back to work. Of course he told her if she had any problems to make another appointment with him, but she knew that she wouldn’t. There was no way he could really understand and talking to him wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.
There was only one person she needed to talk to and if she didn’t gather her courage and do it now there was a chance that she could ruin their new relationship. Leaving her daughter wolfing down pancakes, Catherine made her way back toward her bedroom, trepidation keeping her steps timid. The door loomed in front of her. It was a flimsy, hollow pressed-wood barrier that a small child could probably knock down, but at the moment it seemed to be an impenetrable barricade that she needed to breach.
As her hand hovered millimeters from the handle, she realized that the door’s strength wasn’t in the material from which it was made but in the possibilities of what lay behind it. What if Sara hated her? What if she was in there, feeling betrayed by the trust she had given? There were so many ‘what ifs’ running through her mind that the blonde couldn’t even identify them all.
Catherine stared at her trembling hand and wondered when she had become such a coward. Never regret, never look back. She had once told Grissom that that was how she lived her life. But was that still true? After everything that had happened, could she still say that? Was she not now regretting a momentary lack of control to the point that her stomach was tied in knots and her heart had a strangle hold on her throat at the thought of what the consequences might be?
The only way she was going to find the answer was to open that door. Taking a deep breath, Catherine closed the miniscule distance to the knob and turned it. The sight that greeted her as the door swung open stole the air from her lungs. “You’re leaving?”
Sara’s head snapped up from her almost full suitcase at the strangled cry and just as quickly looked away. She couldn’t bear to see what Catherine might feel about her now. “Under the circumstances I think it’s for the best. I stepped over the line and I am so sorry Cat. I know I shouldn’t have touched you but you were having a nightmare and I just wanted to make sure you got a good night’s sleep since you go back to work tomorrow. I should have gotten up immediately. Please don’t hate me.”
The quiet desperation in the brunette’s voice drove the blonde forward. Catherine gathered the younger woman in her arms and pulled her close. “Sara, no sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was embarrassed and worried that you were upset with me for grabbing onto you like that. I could never hate you.”
Sara sank into the embrace, relief flooding her body and forcing the fear out of its way. “So we’re ok? You’re not mad at me?”
Catherine leaned back and brought her hands up to cup the younger woman’s face. “No I’m not mad. As long as you’re good, I’m good. You are ok, aren’t you? I understand if you’re upset with me after I uh… you know.”
Sara’s brow furrowed in confusion as the blonde’s eyes suddenly found something off to the left very interesting and a rosy blush spread over her pale cheeks . “No, I don’t know Cath. I’m not exactly very coherent until I’ve had my first cup of coffee.”
The blonde let her hands fall away from the brunette’s face and moved to stand in front of the window. Catherine didn’t think Sara would want her touch after she had confessed, but she had to tell her. “When I woke up… it was just so comforting… safe… it took me a few seconds to realize that I was grabbing your uh… your chest.”
“I don’t…my chest? I don’t get it. Why would…Oh my chest.” Sara eyes went wide as the proverbial light bulb turned on above her head. No wonder the blonde took off like her ass was on fire. Taking in Catherine’s slumped shoulder’s, the brunette knew that now wasn’t the time to be timid or second guess what she was about to do.
Three long strides put Sara directly behind the older woman. Her arms moved almost without volition and wrapped themselves around the petite blonde’s slender waist. “Cat you were asleep, you weren’t in control of your actions. How could I be upset about that? Please don’t let it bother you. It’s really not a big deal.”
Catherine covered the brunette’s arms with her own and leaned back into the tall lithe body. Just saying thank you seemed inadequate but the slight tightening of the long limbs around her waist told her the younger woman understood all that she wanted to say. It was amazing that someone so tenderhearted and caring as Sara was, could come from such a barren and abusive environment. “I left Ecklie a message yesterday. I told him I wanted to take some of my vacation time. If you’re hungry I made pancakes.”
Sara held on as the blonde tried to move away from her. “You shouldn’t be using that time for me. You need to save it and spend it with your daughter Catherine.”
Cath had figured that Sara would object, that was why she had waited till practically the last minute to tell her. It was part of the brunette’s nature to put other people’s happiness and wellbeing before her own. “I have plenty of vacation days saved up, not as many as you, but enough. I need to do this Sara, for you, me and Lindsey. You start physical therapy in a few days, Linds is still anxious about me leaving the house and I don’t think I’m ready to go to work for ten or twelve hours a day when my mind will be here. I don’t just want to stay home, I need to.”
“If it’s for you and Lindsey then you should take the time off. I just don’t want you to waste your days on me.” Sara already felt guilty enough for taking up so much of the blonde’s time, she didn’t want to be responsible for Catherine missing out on a real vacation with her daughter too.
Catherine twisted in the brunette’s now loose embrace, bringing them almost nose to nose. “Even if I used every last second of it doing nothing but sitting and watching you breathe it wouldn’t be a waste. You are important to me and one of these days I’m going to get it through that thick skull of yours.”
The warm hand that came up to gently cup her cheek softened the brusqueness of the blonde’s fierce tone. “I’m sorry I’m just not used to having someone who really cares about me.”
“Well you better get used to it because I’m not going anywhere.” Catherine pulled the taller woman into her arms and held on as tightly as she dared trying to convey something with her touch that she couldn’t even make sense of in her own mind.
“Thank you.” Sara rested her head against the blonde’s. This was what she had been missing her entire life. It didn’t matter that only minutes ago she had been packing. It had been a stupid misunderstanding on both their parts, but it had been resolved and a tremendous weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Catherine held the embrace for a few moments after the brunette’s whispered words of gratitude trying to get the sudden surge of anger under control. She pulled back so that she could look directly into Sara’s soulful mahogany eyes. “Don’t you ever thank me or anyone else for caring about you. Don’t thank someone for giving you what you deserve.”
There was so much anger in the blonde’s crystalline blue eyes that Sara wanted to look away in shame, but there was also something in the fathomless depths that she had never seen before and it ensnared her. It was like she was drowning in a warm sapphire sea, floating on gentle waves that cradled her in their watery embrace. For the first time in her life she felt completely and absolutely safe. Whatever that unknown element was it was pulling her closer and Sara felt a shiver of fear mixed with excitement travel the length of her spine. But before she could even begin to examine it or figure out what was going on a slamming door broke the moment and snapped her back to reality.
Catherine took a step back, uncertain what had just happened. Something had passed between them, or been on the verge of it, but for the life of her she didn’t know what. She had a feeling it was important but whatever it was would have to wait though, her mother was obviously up and Lindsey was still in the kitchen most likely stuffing her face. “If you’re hungry we’d better hurry before the black hole that masquerades as my daughter sucks all the pancakes into that bottomless pit she calls a stomach.”
As the older woman started for the door, Sara gave herself a hard mental shake. She was obviously still a little off balance by the morning’s little drama because she was seeing things. Yeah that had to be it, her imagination was working overtime. There couldn’t have been some mystery emotion in the blonde’s eyes. It was just the same warmth and compassion she’d seen every day since their rescue. Anything else was just her own confusion surfacing.
Moving to follow Catherine to the kitchen, Sara nodded her head. She was just confused. That had to be it. Her mind was just playing tricks on her. This time tomorrow, everything would be back to normal.
TBC
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 28
Sara turned her head to gaze at her slumbering bedmate. It was three in morning and she should be sleeping but a couple of days ago she’d finally convinced the older woman that she really didn’t need a whole pain pill anymore. It seemed that without the full dose her natural sleeping habits were reasserting themselves at record speed. That in and of itself didn’t bother her. She had long ago gotten accustomed to surviving on four or five hours of sleep a day. What she wasn’t used to was lying in bed with nothing to occupy her mind, which was why she found herself watching the moonlight turn Catherine’s hair into a shining halo and her skin to alabaster. One of the masters couldn’t have sculpted a more perfect angel.
Sara knew she was allowing herself to become too attached to the blonde, but she just couldn’t seem to help herself. No one in her life had ever really taken care of her the way Catherine was. Her parents had always been loathed to get her medical attention when she needed it and they had never taken her back for follow up visits. She couldn’t even imagine her mother sitting in a waiting room for four hours to get stitches removed. Laura had always done that herself, sometimes taking them out too early so that the wound reopened, but usually leaving them in too long so that they pulled painfully as they were ripped out of Sara’s tender skin. Catherine though had never once complained the entire time they were at the hospital; she had simply held her hand and placed soft kisses in her hair every time the doctor had caused her to wince. Then the older woman had allowed Sara to do the same when her own stitches were taken out.
It was strange for her to open up so much to someone, to trust someone this way. In her experience trust had always led to disappointment and pain. But Sara couldn’t bring herself to doubt Catherine, not after all they had gone through and everything the older woman had done for her. Even the department shrink had agreed that having the blonde’s support was probably the reason Sara was doing as well as she was. Of course having prior knowledge of her past had probably helped the doctor come to that conclusion.
She didn’t know if it was by accident or design but somehow she’d found herself sitting on her former PEAP counselor’s couch. Sara had known that Dr. Ruth Burton was a full fledged psychologist but she had assumed the portly salt and pepper haired woman limited her participation in the Police Employee’s Assistance Program to the drug and alcohol counseling services. It had made it a lot easier on her though, she didn’t have to explain her background to someone new.
A groan interrupted her thoughts and Sara focused on the woman beside her. Even in the dim light coming through the curtains the brunette could see the fear marring the blonde’s face as she struggled within the nightmare. She scooted over as close as she could and ran her hand up and down Catherine’s arm in an effort to ease the older woman out of the dream.
The blonde relaxed almost immediately and Sara sighed in relief. She knew Catherine was losing sleep every night because of the brunette’s own nightmares and she wanted to make sure the woman was well rested for her return to the lab tomorrow. She didn’t know how she was going to handle trying to sleep on her own, but she couldn’t say anything. It would only upset the older woman and that was the last thing she wanted to do. Cath needed to be able to focus on work, not on whether or not Sara was afraid to be by herself.
As the blonde settled back into peaceful slumber Sara moved back toward her side of the bed. She knew she was probably just being paranoid, and she didn’t think Catherine would mind her touching her like that when she was asleep, but she didn’t want to take the chance that the woman would wake up and be offended. Anything that might drive a wedge into their newly established friendship was something she wanted to stay as far away from as possible.
Closing her eyes, the brunette tried to relax. She didn’t know what she was going to do with herself for the next few hours if she couldn’t get back to sleep. Lying there in the dark with nothing but her thoughts to occupy her was extremely unappealing but she didn’t want to leave in case the blonde’s sleep was disturbed again.
As if the brunette’s thoughts had called back Catherine’s demons from whatever abyss they had briefly retreated to, a whimper, low and mournful, escaped from the woman. Sara reached for the blonde once more but before she could touch the silky skin, she found herself being used as a human pillow. This was a first. The few times she’d woken up before Cath, the brunette usually found the blonde’s hand resting lightly on her stomach or over her heart, as if the woman had wanted contact but was being careful and protective of her even in sleep. But this was the first time the woman had practically climbed on top of her. Luckily she had healed enough so that as the lithe body snuggled into her own the groan that escaped her lips was only partially due to physical discomfort.
Sara’s libido suddenly roared back to life as Catherine’s furnace like petite body wiggled and slid against hers in an effort to find a more comfortable position and an elegant hand brushed across a very sensitive part of her anatomy. Pulling out a mental two by four, she beat her hormones into submission. This was definitely not the time or place for feelings she had believed long gone to resurface. It was pointless to go down that road again. All it would get her was another unrequited love for another unattainable person, and that was the last thing she needed. Because this time she was sure that was what it would be, love. Not some little crush, not merely a physical attraction but full blown, heart stealing, mind consuming, life eclipsing love.
The first time around it had been more an appreciation of the older woman’s outer beauty and forceful personality, more lust than crush. But now that she knew the real Catherine Willows, the caring, supportive, compassionate, hug giving, top of the head kissing, protecting her from herself woman, it was so hard to keep patching the chips in her walls that the blonde kept knocking out. But she had to. If she let those heavy stones around her fall, her heart was going to be obliterated and she didn’t know if she would be able to recover from that.
Sara forced herself to calm down. She could do this. Cath was more important than her momentarily confused feelings. She could hold the older woman in her arms and allow the blonde to get a good night’s rest, after all the kind-hearted woman had done so much more than that for her. All she had to do was keep reminding herself that she wasn’t in love Catherine Willows, she was her friend and physiological responses to pleasurable stimuli meant nothing at all. Nope, it didn’t mean a thing. She continued to repeat that simple statement like a mantra until sleep eventually reclaimed her.
Xxx
Catherine woke slowly, easily. There was no pre-teen yelling, no phone ringing, no alarm clock blaring, just a blissful silence and a warm soft pillow under her head. There was such a sense of peace and tranquility within her that she hadn’t felt in such a long time, she was reluctant to open her eyes because she just knew the second she did something was going to demand her attention.
She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so rested and she just wanted that feeling to last a little longer before she had to wrangle her daughter out of bed and convince her that, yes she really had to go to school today. A few more minutes before her mother stumbled out of her room and started complaining about how much time Cath spent at work, how she never saw Lindsey, how she was ruining both their lives. A second or two before Lily started the latest tactic in her campaign to drive Catherine insane. Lately it seemed like every time she turned around her mom was there watching her, scrutinizing her every move. It was driving her up the wall. She just wanted a few more moments to enjoy the arms wrapped so protectively around her before she had to deal with any of it. Was that to much to ask?
Arms? That wasn’t right. The blonde’s eyes flew open and she propelled backward when she realized that not only was her head resting on Sara’s chest but her hand was grasping the woman’s breast. She would have ended up in a heap on floor if not for the impossibly long toned legs entwined with her own. Catherine’s heart was beating faster than a humming bird’s wings as she looked up into sleepy and confused brown eyes. “Oh god Sara I’m sorry! Are you all right? I didn’t hurt you did I?”
Sara stared at the blonde in confusion. No one could ever accuse her of being a morning person and since she had only been awake for a matter of seconds she was a little disoriented. “Huh?”
Catherine was torn between embarrassment because she’d been draped rather intimately over the younger woman and concern that she might have harmed Sara in her unconscious search for a cuddle buddy. “Why didn’t you wake me up and tell me to get off you?”
“Um, because I was asleep?” Although Sara hadn’t had her first cup of coffee yet, it seemed like a pretty good explanation. “Its fine, I’m fine. No harm no foul.”
Unconscious or not, Catherine was completely mortified that she had been groping the injured woman. She needed to get away from Sara before she caused herself any more humiliation. “I should go make sure Lindsey’s up. I don’t want her to be late for school.”
Sara was suddenly wide awake and her heart clinched painfully in her chest as the blonde rushed out of the room and away from her. How could she have been so stupid? No matter how she had rationalized it, holding the older woman without her permission or knowledge was the wrong thing to do. Obviously she had been right to be hesitant to touch Catherine the night before, the blonde wasn’t as comfortable with her as she’d pretended to be.
Yes blonde seemed fine when she was the one initiating contact, but then she was the one in control. Not that Sara blamed her one bit. She would have a hard time trusting anyone who had nearly assaulted her, whether they had been tortured and drugged or not. Catherine had been more than amazing throughout this whole ordeal, but she had just gone and ruined it. And of course the annoyingly fatalistic voice in her head that sounded a lot like her mother decided to throw its two cents in to add to her misery.
‘You see! That’s what you get. You should know better by now than to let anyone close. No one has ever given a damn about you and they never will. She couldn’t get away from you fast enough you waste of air.’
There was only one thing she could think of to fix the situation. It wouldn’t be easy but it had to be done before the older woman decided that she completely hated her.
Xxx
Catherine absently flipped the last pancake onto a plate and placed it on the table in easy reach of her daughter. The entire time she had been cooking she had expected Sara to make an appearance but so far she had seen neither hide nor hair of the brunette. That meant the younger woman wasn’t as ok with what had happened as she had said. She could just absolutely kick herself.
The last thing Sara needed was any sort of sexual contact, even if it had been completely innocent and unintentional. Hell, hadn’t she ripped Grissom a new one just for telling the woman about his feelings when everything the brunette had gone through was still so fresh and raw? How was she supposed to look her in the face after she had practically mauled her? What the hell had changed last night that she couldn’t keep her damn hands to herself? Cath had been so careful up till now to stay on her side of the bed and only keep one hand on Sara to reassure herself that the battered woman was actually there, alive and safe.
The blonde had always loved to snuggle while sleeping. It was one of the only things she actually missed about being married to Eddie. With the relationships she’d had after her divorce, it just hadn’t been an option. She didn’t bring her boyfriends to her house and she couldn’t really sleep over at their place because she needed to be home for Lindsey as much as she could. It had been a rather lonely existence most of the time but she had gladly endured it to keep her daughter from being exposed to the losers and creeps that she seemed to attract.
Sara made her feel safe though and she had relaxed her guard enough to end up in this morning’s embarrassing position. But as awkward as that had been, the way she had woken up didn’t weigh as heavily on her mind as the fact that she had enjoyed it. For those few moments before she realized what she was doing Catherine had felt so secure and comfortable, it had felt so right, that she had relished the contact. But it was so very wrong. She had selfishly used the brunette and it made her sick to her stomach to think she was capable of that. It also seemed that the department shrink was off in his assessment that she was more concerned about Sara than she was herself.
“Catherine, I understand that Sara went through a horrible ordeal, but I’d like to hear more about what happened to you. How you felt, how you’re dealing with everything, how you’re sleeping.”
“I already told you I’m fine. I don’t know what else you want me to say. That I was scared? Well I wasn’t, I was terrified. I was terrified that my daughter was going to grow up without me there, that she was going to be an orphan. I was terrified I was going to raped and murdered. But when Sara started screaming…there’s no way I can describe that sound adequately to make you understand what it was like. I’ve never heard anything like it and I pray to god that I never hear it again. But what was worse was I never knew when she stopped if it was because he was letting her rest, she passed out, or because she was dead.
Then after everything she’s been through, she tried to sacrifice herself, not once but twice to save my life. She’s survived so much and it took her almost dying for me to really see her. So yes, maybe I am a little preoccupied with Sara but under the circumstances I think you can see why.” The urge to snap at the rotund man finally beat the last shred of Catherine’s patience into the ground. She knew she was being defensive and unreasonable but she didn’t want to be there and she was worried about how the brunette’s session was going down the hall. It had taken a little doing to get both their appointments at the same time, but she hadn’t wanted Sara to have to sit by herself even for an hour.
“I think I see what the problem is. You’re suffering from a form of survivor’s guilt.” Dr. Delanco held up his hand to forestall the protest he could see his patient was about to make. “Just hear me out. Sara endured torture after torture at the hands of that man, and yet you came through it virtually unscathed. So even though she didn’t die, she was so severely injured physically, mentally and emotionally that it is almost as devastating. But you are not responsible for her pain just because you didn’t suffer. Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t help her or look after her, from the sound of things she probably needs that more than anything right now. But I do want you to start thinking about yourself. There’s no need for you to feel guilty if you put yourself first. Now tell me how you’ve been sleeping.”
After their session, Catherine had been surprised when he told her he didn’t see any reason she couldn’t go back to work. Of course he told her if she had any problems to make another appointment with him, but she knew that she wouldn’t. There was no way he could really understand and talking to him wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference.
There was only one person she needed to talk to and if she didn’t gather her courage and do it now there was a chance that she could ruin their new relationship. Leaving her daughter wolfing down pancakes, Catherine made her way back toward her bedroom, trepidation keeping her steps timid. The door loomed in front of her. It was a flimsy, hollow pressed-wood barrier that a small child could probably knock down, but at the moment it seemed to be an impenetrable barricade that she needed to breach.
As her hand hovered millimeters from the handle, she realized that the door’s strength wasn’t in the material from which it was made but in the possibilities of what lay behind it. What if Sara hated her? What if she was in there, feeling betrayed by the trust she had given? There were so many ‘what ifs’ running through her mind that the blonde couldn’t even identify them all.
Catherine stared at her trembling hand and wondered when she had become such a coward. Never regret, never look back. She had once told Grissom that that was how she lived her life. But was that still true? After everything that had happened, could she still say that? Was she not now regretting a momentary lack of control to the point that her stomach was tied in knots and her heart had a strangle hold on her throat at the thought of what the consequences might be?
The only way she was going to find the answer was to open that door. Taking a deep breath, Catherine closed the miniscule distance to the knob and turned it. The sight that greeted her as the door swung open stole the air from her lungs. “You’re leaving?”
Sara’s head snapped up from her almost full suitcase at the strangled cry and just as quickly looked away. She couldn’t bear to see what Catherine might feel about her now. “Under the circumstances I think it’s for the best. I stepped over the line and I am so sorry Cat. I know I shouldn’t have touched you but you were having a nightmare and I just wanted to make sure you got a good night’s sleep since you go back to work tomorrow. I should have gotten up immediately. Please don’t hate me.”
The quiet desperation in the brunette’s voice drove the blonde forward. Catherine gathered the younger woman in her arms and pulled her close. “Sara, no sweetie, you didn’t do anything wrong. I was embarrassed and worried that you were upset with me for grabbing onto you like that. I could never hate you.”
Sara sank into the embrace, relief flooding her body and forcing the fear out of its way. “So we’re ok? You’re not mad at me?”
Catherine leaned back and brought her hands up to cup the younger woman’s face. “No I’m not mad. As long as you’re good, I’m good. You are ok, aren’t you? I understand if you’re upset with me after I uh… you know.”
Sara’s brow furrowed in confusion as the blonde’s eyes suddenly found something off to the left very interesting and a rosy blush spread over her pale cheeks . “No, I don’t know Cath. I’m not exactly very coherent until I’ve had my first cup of coffee.”
The blonde let her hands fall away from the brunette’s face and moved to stand in front of the window. Catherine didn’t think Sara would want her touch after she had confessed, but she had to tell her. “When I woke up… it was just so comforting… safe… it took me a few seconds to realize that I was grabbing your uh… your chest.”
“I don’t…my chest? I don’t get it. Why would…Oh my chest.” Sara eyes went wide as the proverbial light bulb turned on above her head. No wonder the blonde took off like her ass was on fire. Taking in Catherine’s slumped shoulder’s, the brunette knew that now wasn’t the time to be timid or second guess what she was about to do.
Three long strides put Sara directly behind the older woman. Her arms moved almost without volition and wrapped themselves around the petite blonde’s slender waist. “Cat you were asleep, you weren’t in control of your actions. How could I be upset about that? Please don’t let it bother you. It’s really not a big deal.”
Catherine covered the brunette’s arms with her own and leaned back into the tall lithe body. Just saying thank you seemed inadequate but the slight tightening of the long limbs around her waist told her the younger woman understood all that she wanted to say. It was amazing that someone so tenderhearted and caring as Sara was, could come from such a barren and abusive environment. “I left Ecklie a message yesterday. I told him I wanted to take some of my vacation time. If you’re hungry I made pancakes.”
Sara held on as the blonde tried to move away from her. “You shouldn’t be using that time for me. You need to save it and spend it with your daughter Catherine.”
Cath had figured that Sara would object, that was why she had waited till practically the last minute to tell her. It was part of the brunette’s nature to put other people’s happiness and wellbeing before her own. “I have plenty of vacation days saved up, not as many as you, but enough. I need to do this Sara, for you, me and Lindsey. You start physical therapy in a few days, Linds is still anxious about me leaving the house and I don’t think I’m ready to go to work for ten or twelve hours a day when my mind will be here. I don’t just want to stay home, I need to.”
“If it’s for you and Lindsey then you should take the time off. I just don’t want you to waste your days on me.” Sara already felt guilty enough for taking up so much of the blonde’s time, she didn’t want to be responsible for Catherine missing out on a real vacation with her daughter too.
Catherine twisted in the brunette’s now loose embrace, bringing them almost nose to nose. “Even if I used every last second of it doing nothing but sitting and watching you breathe it wouldn’t be a waste. You are important to me and one of these days I’m going to get it through that thick skull of yours.”
The warm hand that came up to gently cup her cheek softened the brusqueness of the blonde’s fierce tone. “I’m sorry I’m just not used to having someone who really cares about me.”
“Well you better get used to it because I’m not going anywhere.” Catherine pulled the taller woman into her arms and held on as tightly as she dared trying to convey something with her touch that she couldn’t even make sense of in her own mind.
“Thank you.” Sara rested her head against the blonde’s. This was what she had been missing her entire life. It didn’t matter that only minutes ago she had been packing. It had been a stupid misunderstanding on both their parts, but it had been resolved and a tremendous weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Catherine held the embrace for a few moments after the brunette’s whispered words of gratitude trying to get the sudden surge of anger under control. She pulled back so that she could look directly into Sara’s soulful mahogany eyes. “Don’t you ever thank me or anyone else for caring about you. Don’t thank someone for giving you what you deserve.”
There was so much anger in the blonde’s crystalline blue eyes that Sara wanted to look away in shame, but there was also something in the fathomless depths that she had never seen before and it ensnared her. It was like she was drowning in a warm sapphire sea, floating on gentle waves that cradled her in their watery embrace. For the first time in her life she felt completely and absolutely safe. Whatever that unknown element was it was pulling her closer and Sara felt a shiver of fear mixed with excitement travel the length of her spine. But before she could even begin to examine it or figure out what was going on a slamming door broke the moment and snapped her back to reality.
Catherine took a step back, uncertain what had just happened. Something had passed between them, or been on the verge of it, but for the life of her she didn’t know what. She had a feeling it was important but whatever it was would have to wait though, her mother was obviously up and Lindsey was still in the kitchen most likely stuffing her face. “If you’re hungry we’d better hurry before the black hole that masquerades as my daughter sucks all the pancakes into that bottomless pit she calls a stomach.”
As the older woman started for the door, Sara gave herself a hard mental shake. She was obviously still a little off balance by the morning’s little drama because she was seeing things. Yeah that had to be it, her imagination was working overtime. There couldn’t have been some mystery emotion in the blonde’s eyes. It was just the same warmth and compassion she’d seen every day since their rescue. Anything else was just her own confusion surfacing.
Moving to follow Catherine to the kitchen, Sara nodded her head. She was just confused. That had to be it. Her mind was just playing tricks on her. This time tomorrow, everything would be back to normal.
TBC