Fic : Demons Part 27
Title: When Demons Come a Calling - Part 27
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 27
Catherine ran her hand over the younger woman’s dark chestnut mane, one last bit of contact before she was forced to leave Sara to face the wolves alone. “We’ll be right outside if you need us.”
The brunette looked up at Catherine and gave her a weak smile. Sara wished that the blonde or Brass were allowed to stay with her but since they were both involved they couldn’t. The two of them had coached her all morning, right up until they had pulled into the parking lot. Yes or no, don’t elaborate unless asked. Keep it simple. Don’t volunteer information, they don’t want or need to know the details of her personal life. It wasn’t the Spanish Inquisition, just something that had to be done for procedures sake. And none of that made it any easier because she was still afraid she was going to slip up and say something neither she nor Cath wanted on the record.
As her friends exited the two men that had been waiting just inside the door settled themselves behind the large oak desk. Sara took a deep breath to try to calm her nerves. She didn’t want, maybe couldn’t afford, to look weak in front of these men. If either of them sensed she wasn’t being truthful, that she was hiding something, the consequences could be catastrophic.
“Ms. Sidle before we get started I would like to offer the department’s deepest sympathies for what happened to you. As much leave time as you need will be made available to you, full benefits of course. Your job will be right here waiting for you.” Brian Mobley was still doing damage control over the entire fiasco. Two cops dead, two CSI’s abducted from under their noses, it was a PR nightmare. So far they’d been able to keep most of the details out of press which was good, but if the woman across from him decided to sue everything would come out and his chances for reelection would pretty much be in the toilet.
“My name is Keith Toler, Ms. Sidle. I’m a lieutenant with Internal Affairs. This is really just a formality. From statements taken from Captain Brass and Catherine Willows and the forensic evidence gathered at the scenes we already know a good deal of what happened. All we need is for you to fill in the holes.” The short blonde man didn’t really agree with how the whole case was being handled, two officers and a suspect were dead, someone should be held at least partly responsible. But word had come down from the top of the political food chain and he knew for the sake of his career that it was better not to question it.
“Before we officially get started would you care for anything? Water? Coffee?” Brian tried to put the obviously uncomfortable woman at ease.
“Uh, no thank you.” Sara still wasn’t sure why they were being so solicitous but decided to go with Brass’s explanation that they just want to sweep the entire thing under the rug as quickly as possible.
Toler placed a portable tape recorder on the table and glanced at the room’s other two occupants before pressing the button. “This is Lieutenant Keith Toler IAB along with Sheriff Brian Mobley, interviewing CSI3 Sara Sidle.”
In the back of Sara’s mind, she heard the IAB cop giving the date, time, file number and a brief synopsis of the case but her focus was on the tiny wheels turning inside the recorder. She despised lying and here she was about to do it on tape. Her words were going to be magnetically encoded onto a thin plastic strip coated with ferric oxide powder. Later it would be transcribed and entered into a computer where it would be saved to a hard drive. Maybe not an indelible record of her duplicity, but it was damn close. Could she live with that? A lie of omission was still a lie. But did she have a choice at this point? As much as she hated lying, she hated breaking promises more. And she had made a promise to Catherine and Jim.
“Miss Sidle lets begin with Officer Hankins death.”
Sara snapped back to the present and swallowed the bile threatening to slide up her throat. As she opened her mouth she caught sight of a small figurine and felt her nerves settle a bit. The little bear was the perfect avatar for the man that normally sat behind the desk. Jim Brass was a papa bear if ever she had seen one, to her at least, and seeing this representation of him was almost like having the burley detective there with her. “I’m not really sure what time it was, but I think it was close to four when…”
Xxx
“Do you think she’s okay?” Catherine’s eyes were locked on the glass door to the homicide captain’s office. Sara’s interview had only started five minutes ago, and the blonde was already fighting the desire to pace the floor or rush back into the room.
Jim reached up and lightly patted the woman’s shoulder. He knew exactly how she was feeling. “I think she’ll be fine. But if she’s not, she’s got both of us to help her. At least I got them to agree to do the interview in my office instead of one of the interview rooms. Sara’s familiar with it and it’s nowhere near as intimidating as sitting on the wrong side of an interrogation table.”
“Yeah but why call her in here on Sunday? Why couldn’t they at least give her another day and do this tomorrow?” Cath knew that the only reason they had agreed to wait as long as they had was because she had raised a stink. She was lucky they hadn’t called the brunette down there the second she stepped out of the hospital’s front door.
The detective gave the blonde a grin. He really loved how protective she was of Sara these days. “Look at it this way. When was the last time you saw Ecklie come in on the weekend for anything other than a chance to kiss ass or to prove what a good little toady he is?”
Catherine had to smile at that. At least Sara would be spared having to deal with that sanctimonious little snake. “And let me guess, someone conveniently forgot to tell him her interview was today?”
“Damn, I knew there was something else I was supposed to do. Oh well, I guess he’ll just have to read the report.”
Xxx
“What the hell is taking so long?” Catherine was sure she had worn a rut in the plain tile floor outside the detective’s office.
“Relax Cath, these things take time.” The truth was Brass was getting a little nervous himself, but he wanted to keep the blonde as calm as possible.
“They’ve been in there over an hour! Don’t they understand how hard it is to have to relive everything that happened?” It had to be a hundred times worse for Sara than it had been for her and every minute that went by added to the CSI’s worry. It was taking everything Catherine had not to march into that room and pull the brunette out of there.
“A lot happened to her, it’s going to take a while to go through it all. But you need to calm down because you are not going to be any good to her when she comes out of there if you’re upset. Why don’t we go grab a cup of bad coffee while we’re waiting?” Jim hated that Sara had to go through this but she didn’t have a choice.
“No I told her we’d be right here and I’m not leaving.” Catherine leaned against the far wall and tried to get herself under control. Brass was right, Sara didn’t need to see her scared and nervous, she needed her to be strong.
Xxx
“Thank you Ms. Sidle, we know this was difficult and we appreciate your cooperation.” Lt. Toler nodded to the woman as he stood. Now that he really understood what had happened, in graphic detail, he was more than happy to write this case off and bury it in the darkest corner of the LVPD basement that he could find.
“I want you to know that all the department’s resources are at your disposal. Whatever you need will be made available to you.” Sheriff Mobley rose to stand next to the IAB officer. “Would you like some help out?”
“Oh no, thank you. I think I’m just going to sit here for a few minutes.” Sara watched the two men leave with detachment. She was surprised that it was over so quickly. Then again she couldn’t remember most of the interview so her sense of time might be a little off.
The beginning had been as horrible as she had feared. All the terror, all the pain, had come rushing at her like an enraged bull charging a matador. Even knowing Catherine and Jim were just outside, even seeing that tiny figurine on the detective’s desk that had given her strength at first, hadn’t helped once she had actually started talking and describing everything she had suffered. But it soon changed.
She didn’t know when it started, hadn’t noticed the slow withdrawal, but at some point Sara’s mind had simply left her body even as the words continued to pour out of her mouth. It was almost like the defense mechanism she had used as a small child when she would lose herself in her head to escape the pain or the fighting.
The brunette had been vaguely aware of herself. It was like she was floating outside herself, an ethereal being, able to see pale images around her but not hear or feel. She was smoke, and nothing could touch her. But now she had rematerialized and every last lingering ache of her battered body was returning. Her mind however was still numb and Sara was suddenly very tired.
Xxx
As Brian Mobley shook the IAB officer’s hand and bade him goodbye he noticed the two obviously concerned people hovering just at the edge of what would be considered an appropriate distance from a private conversation. He waited until the blonde man turned and walked away before he addressed the woman. “Catherine, I understand that Miss Sidle is staying with you?”
The blonde silently cursed the sheriff’s sudden need to make small talk. Catherine had no interest in chatting with him, she just wanted to get to Sara and make sure the brunette was all right. “She can’t stay by herself right now and since I’m on medical leave as well I thought it best.”
“Good, that’s good. If she hasn’t already, I think you should convince her to start counseling as soon as possible. Sidle has one of the best solve rates in the department and I’d hate to lose her.” The brunette’s almost mechanical answers had concerned him. He hadn’t had much contact with Sara, and when he did she had always seemed to be on the periphery, the entomologist and the new swing-shift supervisor always taking the spotlight. Mobley had been a little surprised to learn that the brunette was second only to Gil Grissom when it came to successfully closing cases.
This debacle had given Brian the opportunity to study Sara’s file in depth. While she had a few disciplinary actions in her jacket, no more than most and less than some, she was a dedicated investigator that went the extra mile to solve her cases. As her overtime every month clearly attested to. You didn’t just let people like that go if there was anything you could do to keep them.
“We both have appointments with the department psychologist this week.” Catherine confided absently as she edged toward the open office door.
“Excellent. I’m glad you’re looking out for her and yourself. Now if you’ll excuse me I have another meeting I need to get to.”
Catherine didn’t bother to acknowledge his farewell or the fact that he hadn’t waited for her or Brass to respond, she was already halfway across the hall. Something about the way he had mentioned therapy for Sara had set her on edge. As she entered the office the sight that greeted her caught the blonde by surprise. The lanky brunette wasn’t crying or shaking, she was simply slumped in her chair, starring off into space. She came around the younger woman and knelt down so that she was at eye level with her. “Sara are you okay?”
“Fine, I’m fine. It went better than I thought it would.” She didn’t remember most of the session, but given how it ended it must have gone well.
“Are you sure kiddo? You look a little pale.” Jim kept his voice as soft. He didn’t like the pallor of the brunette’s face or the slightly hollow look in her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m good but I’d like to go home now. I’m kind of tired.” Sara shifted her gaze between her two friends. She could see the worry in their eyes and hated the fact that she had put it there, yet again. But she had no way to explain to them what had happened without sounding a little crazy. How do you tell someone that you became a ghost for a little while without them calling the nice men in white coats to come take you to a nice padded room?
Catherine stood and moved to the brunette’s side and the detective mirrored her actions. Together they helped the woman up and out of the building. After getting Sara into the back seat of Brass’s non-descript sedan, the blonde climbed in and pulled the younger woman close to her body. She wasn’t sure what to do, there were no tears to dry, no tremors to sooth, no obvious fears to chase away, nothing to do but hold the disturbingly quite woman and hope it was enough.
Xxx
Catherine glanced over at the brunette, still surprised at the serene expression on her face. The moment they had walked into the house something in the younger woman seemed to awaken, to come back to life. Now Sara was sitting on the sofa with her daughter watching some stupid show on MTV, smiling down at the girl snuggled up to her side. She had tried to put the lanky woman to bed when they returned but the second Lindsey had come barreling into the room, the brunette claimed she was feeling fine and let the youngest Willows drag her into the living room barely taking the time to say goodbye to Jim as he left to get some sleep before his shift.
From the corner of her eye, Sara watched the older woman watch her. She could tell Cath was confused by the sudden turnaround but to her it was so simple. Halfway back to the blonde’s house, she realized she had asked to be taken home and she hadn’t been referring to her apartment. She had spent the rest of the ride thinking about what that might mean but it really only became clear when she stepped through the front door.
In two days Catherine’s house had come to feel more like a home than her small apartment ever had. It had quickly become a sanctuary, a refuge. But it wasn’t the building that made her feel that way, it was the people within it. For the first time in what seemed forever she felt like someone genuinely cared about her, like she almost had a family that wanted her. It was a heady feeling for someone who had been denied that most of her life and she didn’t want to miss a second of it.
“Lindsey have you finished your homework yet?” The day was half gone and Catherine didn’t want the girl to have to rush to get it done before bed. She also wanted a few minutes to talk to Sara without a pair of sharp little ears listening in.
“Do I have to? I don’t have that much and another episode is coming on.” Lindsey really didn’t care about the show. She just didn’t want to give up her spot next to the lanky brunette.
“Yes you have to. Now go.” Catherine turned the mom voice on her daughter, letting her know that she wasn’t in the mood to argue.
Lindsey didn’t bother to try and plead her case. She knew it was useless when her mother used that tone. After a quick kiss to Sara’s cheek she stomped off to her room leaving the two women alone.
Catherine waited until she heard the girl’s door slam before she took the place her daughter had vacated. “Sara, are you sure you’re all right? When we left PD you seemed so out of it and now your sitting here laughing and cutting up with Linds.”
The brunette reached over and took the blonde’s hand, entwining their fingers. “During the interview I sort of blanked out. I’m not really sure what I said in there because it’s mostly a blur, but from the way the sheriff and the guy from IAB acted when they left I’m pretty sure it went okay. They didn’t fire me on the spot anyway.” Sara didn’t want Catherine to worry about her but she wasn’t sure she could adequately describe what had happened. So she had to settle for the simplified version.
“They’re not going to either. Mobley wanted to make sure that you had set up counseling sessions because he didn’t want to lose such a valuable asset to the lab. He’s very impressed with your solve rate by the way.” Catherine thought it was a little dehumanizing, to be thought of only as a set of statistics and not a person but she also understood it from a management point of view.
“He looked that up?” The brunette shook her head. It wasn’t really that important, all that mattered was that she wasn’t going to lose her job. “You know I’ve always hated shrinks, especially when I was a kid. How can they tell you how you’re supposed to feel about something that they’ve never experienced, never lived through? The only times I’ve ever gone to one was because I was forced. And I really don’t want to go now but I will because I want to go back to work. I want my life back and that’s the only way to do it.”
Sara vividly remembered the first psychiatrist she’d had to see after her father’s death. The beady-eyed little bald man had been clueless and condescending and after the second visit she’d refused to go back and no matter how much her social worker and foster parents had insisted, and later threatened, nothing could persuade her to change her mind.
Catherine turned to face the younger woman. It seemed that Sara had purposely skipped over part of her original question and she didn’t want her to evade it again. “Okay, I can understand all that. What I don’t get is why you suddenly perked up the moment we got home and acted like there was nothing wrong.”
Sara broke eye contact with Catherine as a dark blush bloomed on her cheeks and she silently prayed that she wasn’t about to say too much. She didn’t want the blonde to feel obligated to her in any way, or put the older woman off by how much she’d come to depend on her. “Because once we pulled into the driveway, there wasn’t. Being here with you and Lindsey makes me feel safe, like nothing bad can touch me.”
“Yeah well I feel a lot safer with you here too. One, I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not getting yourself into trouble trying to do things before you’re ready. And two, after watching you jump on Thomas’ back, black and blue from head to toe with a hole in your shoulder, I wouldn’t be scared even if the devil himself showed up at the front door because I know you would kick his ass.” Although it sounded like she was joking, Catherine had never been more truthful. She knew firsthand that Sara would fight for her with her last breath.
“I could use my cast as a club and beat him over the head with it.” Sara could hear the sincerity in the blonde’s voice and fought back the tears suddenly welling in her eyes with humor. She managed a crooked grin for the older woman even though her chest had become almost painfully tight at Catherine’s faith in her.
The blonde didn’t miss the moisture gathering in the corners of the brunette’s soulful eyes. She threw her arm over the back of the couch and let it settle over Sara’s thin, but strong shoulders. “I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but are you sure you’re all right?”
Sara took the silent invitation and rested her head in the hollow of the blonde’s neck and sighed as willowy arms surrounded her. It was hard not to be okay when on the receiving end of one of Catherine’s hugs. “I’m good. I promise.” She left the ‘as long as you’re here’ that suddenly popped into her head unspoken. It would only embarrass her and it might make the blonde uncomfortable.
Catherine turned her head and pressed her lips lightly to the silky chestnut locks of Sara’s head, taking in the lingering scent of lavender from the shampoo she’d used to wash the thick hair. As the younger woman snuggled closer to her, the blonde sighed and settled back. She had touched Sara more in the last week than she had in the previous five years combined and it was still a little amazing to her that they could be so physical and so comfortable with each other.
Two weeks ago she would have never dreamed of holding the normally aloof woman like this and now she didn’t even like thinking about not being able to do it because she got as much comfort from it as brunette did. There was something about putting her arms around the younger woman’s lanky form that put her at ease and made things seem better. She hated to think what was going to happen when Sara eventually went back to her own home or if the brunette crawled back into her shell and reverted back to her standoffish ways. Because even though Catherine hated the way it had come about, she definitely liked this new friendship and closeness with the younger woman and would do all she could to keep it.
Lily retreated back to her room as quietly as she could. The slamming of her granddaughter’s door had brought her out just in time to witness the exchange between her daughter and the brunette from the beginning. Since Sara had come to stay with them she had tried to keep an eye on the two women but hadn’t had a real chance to observe them alone until now. So she had grabbed the opportunity and what the older blonde had seen and heard caused her more than a twinge of concern.
Catherine had always been a tactile person so Lily hadn’t been too worried about the small touches that passed between the two women. What she had just seen though, the tenderness in the way her daughter caressed and kissed the brunette’s hair and held her close caused a tiny red flag to go up. That wasn’t something you did with causal friends. Maybe her granddaughter’s assertion that the two were attracted to each other wasn’t as far fetched as she had first thought.
Her daughter had been incredibly lucky thus far. Catherine had put herself through school all while raising a child and stripping every night. She’d been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to start over and the blonde had grabbed it with both hands. She was now a respected woman in a male dominated field and Lily didn’t want to see her throw it all away. The backlash of a same-sex relationship in a good ole boys club might not just destroy her career; it could be physically dangerous as well. And then there was Lindsey to think about.
Linds thought it was cool now, but once her friends started calling her and her mother names and making fun of her, she knew it would hurt the girl. Her granddaughter already been through so much with the death of her father that Lily didn’t want to see her in any unnecessary pain when it was completely avoidable. She’d have to wait until she could get Cath alone to talk to her though. Because even though she disapproved of where their relationship might be going, she was still grateful to the brunette for saving her daughter’s life. She didn’t want to hurt Sara but she also couldn’t allow the young woman to hurt Catherine or Lindsey either.
TBC
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 27
Catherine ran her hand over the younger woman’s dark chestnut mane, one last bit of contact before she was forced to leave Sara to face the wolves alone. “We’ll be right outside if you need us.”
The brunette looked up at Catherine and gave her a weak smile. Sara wished that the blonde or Brass were allowed to stay with her but since they were both involved they couldn’t. The two of them had coached her all morning, right up until they had pulled into the parking lot. Yes or no, don’t elaborate unless asked. Keep it simple. Don’t volunteer information, they don’t want or need to know the details of her personal life. It wasn’t the Spanish Inquisition, just something that had to be done for procedures sake. And none of that made it any easier because she was still afraid she was going to slip up and say something neither she nor Cath wanted on the record.
As her friends exited the two men that had been waiting just inside the door settled themselves behind the large oak desk. Sara took a deep breath to try to calm her nerves. She didn’t want, maybe couldn’t afford, to look weak in front of these men. If either of them sensed she wasn’t being truthful, that she was hiding something, the consequences could be catastrophic.
“Ms. Sidle before we get started I would like to offer the department’s deepest sympathies for what happened to you. As much leave time as you need will be made available to you, full benefits of course. Your job will be right here waiting for you.” Brian Mobley was still doing damage control over the entire fiasco. Two cops dead, two CSI’s abducted from under their noses, it was a PR nightmare. So far they’d been able to keep most of the details out of press which was good, but if the woman across from him decided to sue everything would come out and his chances for reelection would pretty much be in the toilet.
“My name is Keith Toler, Ms. Sidle. I’m a lieutenant with Internal Affairs. This is really just a formality. From statements taken from Captain Brass and Catherine Willows and the forensic evidence gathered at the scenes we already know a good deal of what happened. All we need is for you to fill in the holes.” The short blonde man didn’t really agree with how the whole case was being handled, two officers and a suspect were dead, someone should be held at least partly responsible. But word had come down from the top of the political food chain and he knew for the sake of his career that it was better not to question it.
“Before we officially get started would you care for anything? Water? Coffee?” Brian tried to put the obviously uncomfortable woman at ease.
“Uh, no thank you.” Sara still wasn’t sure why they were being so solicitous but decided to go with Brass’s explanation that they just want to sweep the entire thing under the rug as quickly as possible.
Toler placed a portable tape recorder on the table and glanced at the room’s other two occupants before pressing the button. “This is Lieutenant Keith Toler IAB along with Sheriff Brian Mobley, interviewing CSI3 Sara Sidle.”
In the back of Sara’s mind, she heard the IAB cop giving the date, time, file number and a brief synopsis of the case but her focus was on the tiny wheels turning inside the recorder. She despised lying and here she was about to do it on tape. Her words were going to be magnetically encoded onto a thin plastic strip coated with ferric oxide powder. Later it would be transcribed and entered into a computer where it would be saved to a hard drive. Maybe not an indelible record of her duplicity, but it was damn close. Could she live with that? A lie of omission was still a lie. But did she have a choice at this point? As much as she hated lying, she hated breaking promises more. And she had made a promise to Catherine and Jim.
“Miss Sidle lets begin with Officer Hankins death.”
Sara snapped back to the present and swallowed the bile threatening to slide up her throat. As she opened her mouth she caught sight of a small figurine and felt her nerves settle a bit. The little bear was the perfect avatar for the man that normally sat behind the desk. Jim Brass was a papa bear if ever she had seen one, to her at least, and seeing this representation of him was almost like having the burley detective there with her. “I’m not really sure what time it was, but I think it was close to four when…”
Xxx
“Do you think she’s okay?” Catherine’s eyes were locked on the glass door to the homicide captain’s office. Sara’s interview had only started five minutes ago, and the blonde was already fighting the desire to pace the floor or rush back into the room.
Jim reached up and lightly patted the woman’s shoulder. He knew exactly how she was feeling. “I think she’ll be fine. But if she’s not, she’s got both of us to help her. At least I got them to agree to do the interview in my office instead of one of the interview rooms. Sara’s familiar with it and it’s nowhere near as intimidating as sitting on the wrong side of an interrogation table.”
“Yeah but why call her in here on Sunday? Why couldn’t they at least give her another day and do this tomorrow?” Cath knew that the only reason they had agreed to wait as long as they had was because she had raised a stink. She was lucky they hadn’t called the brunette down there the second she stepped out of the hospital’s front door.
The detective gave the blonde a grin. He really loved how protective she was of Sara these days. “Look at it this way. When was the last time you saw Ecklie come in on the weekend for anything other than a chance to kiss ass or to prove what a good little toady he is?”
Catherine had to smile at that. At least Sara would be spared having to deal with that sanctimonious little snake. “And let me guess, someone conveniently forgot to tell him her interview was today?”
“Damn, I knew there was something else I was supposed to do. Oh well, I guess he’ll just have to read the report.”
Xxx
“What the hell is taking so long?” Catherine was sure she had worn a rut in the plain tile floor outside the detective’s office.
“Relax Cath, these things take time.” The truth was Brass was getting a little nervous himself, but he wanted to keep the blonde as calm as possible.
“They’ve been in there over an hour! Don’t they understand how hard it is to have to relive everything that happened?” It had to be a hundred times worse for Sara than it had been for her and every minute that went by added to the CSI’s worry. It was taking everything Catherine had not to march into that room and pull the brunette out of there.
“A lot happened to her, it’s going to take a while to go through it all. But you need to calm down because you are not going to be any good to her when she comes out of there if you’re upset. Why don’t we go grab a cup of bad coffee while we’re waiting?” Jim hated that Sara had to go through this but she didn’t have a choice.
“No I told her we’d be right here and I’m not leaving.” Catherine leaned against the far wall and tried to get herself under control. Brass was right, Sara didn’t need to see her scared and nervous, she needed her to be strong.
Xxx
“Thank you Ms. Sidle, we know this was difficult and we appreciate your cooperation.” Lt. Toler nodded to the woman as he stood. Now that he really understood what had happened, in graphic detail, he was more than happy to write this case off and bury it in the darkest corner of the LVPD basement that he could find.
“I want you to know that all the department’s resources are at your disposal. Whatever you need will be made available to you.” Sheriff Mobley rose to stand next to the IAB officer. “Would you like some help out?”
“Oh no, thank you. I think I’m just going to sit here for a few minutes.” Sara watched the two men leave with detachment. She was surprised that it was over so quickly. Then again she couldn’t remember most of the interview so her sense of time might be a little off.
The beginning had been as horrible as she had feared. All the terror, all the pain, had come rushing at her like an enraged bull charging a matador. Even knowing Catherine and Jim were just outside, even seeing that tiny figurine on the detective’s desk that had given her strength at first, hadn’t helped once she had actually started talking and describing everything she had suffered. But it soon changed.
She didn’t know when it started, hadn’t noticed the slow withdrawal, but at some point Sara’s mind had simply left her body even as the words continued to pour out of her mouth. It was almost like the defense mechanism she had used as a small child when she would lose herself in her head to escape the pain or the fighting.
The brunette had been vaguely aware of herself. It was like she was floating outside herself, an ethereal being, able to see pale images around her but not hear or feel. She was smoke, and nothing could touch her. But now she had rematerialized and every last lingering ache of her battered body was returning. Her mind however was still numb and Sara was suddenly very tired.
Xxx
As Brian Mobley shook the IAB officer’s hand and bade him goodbye he noticed the two obviously concerned people hovering just at the edge of what would be considered an appropriate distance from a private conversation. He waited until the blonde man turned and walked away before he addressed the woman. “Catherine, I understand that Miss Sidle is staying with you?”
The blonde silently cursed the sheriff’s sudden need to make small talk. Catherine had no interest in chatting with him, she just wanted to get to Sara and make sure the brunette was all right. “She can’t stay by herself right now and since I’m on medical leave as well I thought it best.”
“Good, that’s good. If she hasn’t already, I think you should convince her to start counseling as soon as possible. Sidle has one of the best solve rates in the department and I’d hate to lose her.” The brunette’s almost mechanical answers had concerned him. He hadn’t had much contact with Sara, and when he did she had always seemed to be on the periphery, the entomologist and the new swing-shift supervisor always taking the spotlight. Mobley had been a little surprised to learn that the brunette was second only to Gil Grissom when it came to successfully closing cases.
This debacle had given Brian the opportunity to study Sara’s file in depth. While she had a few disciplinary actions in her jacket, no more than most and less than some, she was a dedicated investigator that went the extra mile to solve her cases. As her overtime every month clearly attested to. You didn’t just let people like that go if there was anything you could do to keep them.
“We both have appointments with the department psychologist this week.” Catherine confided absently as she edged toward the open office door.
“Excellent. I’m glad you’re looking out for her and yourself. Now if you’ll excuse me I have another meeting I need to get to.”
Catherine didn’t bother to acknowledge his farewell or the fact that he hadn’t waited for her or Brass to respond, she was already halfway across the hall. Something about the way he had mentioned therapy for Sara had set her on edge. As she entered the office the sight that greeted her caught the blonde by surprise. The lanky brunette wasn’t crying or shaking, she was simply slumped in her chair, starring off into space. She came around the younger woman and knelt down so that she was at eye level with her. “Sara are you okay?”
“Fine, I’m fine. It went better than I thought it would.” She didn’t remember most of the session, but given how it ended it must have gone well.
“Are you sure kiddo? You look a little pale.” Jim kept his voice as soft. He didn’t like the pallor of the brunette’s face or the slightly hollow look in her eyes.
“Yeah, I’m good but I’d like to go home now. I’m kind of tired.” Sara shifted her gaze between her two friends. She could see the worry in their eyes and hated the fact that she had put it there, yet again. But she had no way to explain to them what had happened without sounding a little crazy. How do you tell someone that you became a ghost for a little while without them calling the nice men in white coats to come take you to a nice padded room?
Catherine stood and moved to the brunette’s side and the detective mirrored her actions. Together they helped the woman up and out of the building. After getting Sara into the back seat of Brass’s non-descript sedan, the blonde climbed in and pulled the younger woman close to her body. She wasn’t sure what to do, there were no tears to dry, no tremors to sooth, no obvious fears to chase away, nothing to do but hold the disturbingly quite woman and hope it was enough.
Xxx
Catherine glanced over at the brunette, still surprised at the serene expression on her face. The moment they had walked into the house something in the younger woman seemed to awaken, to come back to life. Now Sara was sitting on the sofa with her daughter watching some stupid show on MTV, smiling down at the girl snuggled up to her side. She had tried to put the lanky woman to bed when they returned but the second Lindsey had come barreling into the room, the brunette claimed she was feeling fine and let the youngest Willows drag her into the living room barely taking the time to say goodbye to Jim as he left to get some sleep before his shift.
From the corner of her eye, Sara watched the older woman watch her. She could tell Cath was confused by the sudden turnaround but to her it was so simple. Halfway back to the blonde’s house, she realized she had asked to be taken home and she hadn’t been referring to her apartment. She had spent the rest of the ride thinking about what that might mean but it really only became clear when she stepped through the front door.
In two days Catherine’s house had come to feel more like a home than her small apartment ever had. It had quickly become a sanctuary, a refuge. But it wasn’t the building that made her feel that way, it was the people within it. For the first time in what seemed forever she felt like someone genuinely cared about her, like she almost had a family that wanted her. It was a heady feeling for someone who had been denied that most of her life and she didn’t want to miss a second of it.
“Lindsey have you finished your homework yet?” The day was half gone and Catherine didn’t want the girl to have to rush to get it done before bed. She also wanted a few minutes to talk to Sara without a pair of sharp little ears listening in.
“Do I have to? I don’t have that much and another episode is coming on.” Lindsey really didn’t care about the show. She just didn’t want to give up her spot next to the lanky brunette.
“Yes you have to. Now go.” Catherine turned the mom voice on her daughter, letting her know that she wasn’t in the mood to argue.
Lindsey didn’t bother to try and plead her case. She knew it was useless when her mother used that tone. After a quick kiss to Sara’s cheek she stomped off to her room leaving the two women alone.
Catherine waited until she heard the girl’s door slam before she took the place her daughter had vacated. “Sara, are you sure you’re all right? When we left PD you seemed so out of it and now your sitting here laughing and cutting up with Linds.”
The brunette reached over and took the blonde’s hand, entwining their fingers. “During the interview I sort of blanked out. I’m not really sure what I said in there because it’s mostly a blur, but from the way the sheriff and the guy from IAB acted when they left I’m pretty sure it went okay. They didn’t fire me on the spot anyway.” Sara didn’t want Catherine to worry about her but she wasn’t sure she could adequately describe what had happened. So she had to settle for the simplified version.
“They’re not going to either. Mobley wanted to make sure that you had set up counseling sessions because he didn’t want to lose such a valuable asset to the lab. He’s very impressed with your solve rate by the way.” Catherine thought it was a little dehumanizing, to be thought of only as a set of statistics and not a person but she also understood it from a management point of view.
“He looked that up?” The brunette shook her head. It wasn’t really that important, all that mattered was that she wasn’t going to lose her job. “You know I’ve always hated shrinks, especially when I was a kid. How can they tell you how you’re supposed to feel about something that they’ve never experienced, never lived through? The only times I’ve ever gone to one was because I was forced. And I really don’t want to go now but I will because I want to go back to work. I want my life back and that’s the only way to do it.”
Sara vividly remembered the first psychiatrist she’d had to see after her father’s death. The beady-eyed little bald man had been clueless and condescending and after the second visit she’d refused to go back and no matter how much her social worker and foster parents had insisted, and later threatened, nothing could persuade her to change her mind.
Catherine turned to face the younger woman. It seemed that Sara had purposely skipped over part of her original question and she didn’t want her to evade it again. “Okay, I can understand all that. What I don’t get is why you suddenly perked up the moment we got home and acted like there was nothing wrong.”
Sara broke eye contact with Catherine as a dark blush bloomed on her cheeks and she silently prayed that she wasn’t about to say too much. She didn’t want the blonde to feel obligated to her in any way, or put the older woman off by how much she’d come to depend on her. “Because once we pulled into the driveway, there wasn’t. Being here with you and Lindsey makes me feel safe, like nothing bad can touch me.”
“Yeah well I feel a lot safer with you here too. One, I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not getting yourself into trouble trying to do things before you’re ready. And two, after watching you jump on Thomas’ back, black and blue from head to toe with a hole in your shoulder, I wouldn’t be scared even if the devil himself showed up at the front door because I know you would kick his ass.” Although it sounded like she was joking, Catherine had never been more truthful. She knew firsthand that Sara would fight for her with her last breath.
“I could use my cast as a club and beat him over the head with it.” Sara could hear the sincerity in the blonde’s voice and fought back the tears suddenly welling in her eyes with humor. She managed a crooked grin for the older woman even though her chest had become almost painfully tight at Catherine’s faith in her.
The blonde didn’t miss the moisture gathering in the corners of the brunette’s soulful eyes. She threw her arm over the back of the couch and let it settle over Sara’s thin, but strong shoulders. “I don’t mean to sound like a broken record but are you sure you’re all right?”
Sara took the silent invitation and rested her head in the hollow of the blonde’s neck and sighed as willowy arms surrounded her. It was hard not to be okay when on the receiving end of one of Catherine’s hugs. “I’m good. I promise.” She left the ‘as long as you’re here’ that suddenly popped into her head unspoken. It would only embarrass her and it might make the blonde uncomfortable.
Catherine turned her head and pressed her lips lightly to the silky chestnut locks of Sara’s head, taking in the lingering scent of lavender from the shampoo she’d used to wash the thick hair. As the younger woman snuggled closer to her, the blonde sighed and settled back. She had touched Sara more in the last week than she had in the previous five years combined and it was still a little amazing to her that they could be so physical and so comfortable with each other.
Two weeks ago she would have never dreamed of holding the normally aloof woman like this and now she didn’t even like thinking about not being able to do it because she got as much comfort from it as brunette did. There was something about putting her arms around the younger woman’s lanky form that put her at ease and made things seem better. She hated to think what was going to happen when Sara eventually went back to her own home or if the brunette crawled back into her shell and reverted back to her standoffish ways. Because even though Catherine hated the way it had come about, she definitely liked this new friendship and closeness with the younger woman and would do all she could to keep it.
Lily retreated back to her room as quietly as she could. The slamming of her granddaughter’s door had brought her out just in time to witness the exchange between her daughter and the brunette from the beginning. Since Sara had come to stay with them she had tried to keep an eye on the two women but hadn’t had a real chance to observe them alone until now. So she had grabbed the opportunity and what the older blonde had seen and heard caused her more than a twinge of concern.
Catherine had always been a tactile person so Lily hadn’t been too worried about the small touches that passed between the two women. What she had just seen though, the tenderness in the way her daughter caressed and kissed the brunette’s hair and held her close caused a tiny red flag to go up. That wasn’t something you did with causal friends. Maybe her granddaughter’s assertion that the two were attracted to each other wasn’t as far fetched as she had first thought.
Her daughter had been incredibly lucky thus far. Catherine had put herself through school all while raising a child and stripping every night. She’d been given a once in a lifetime opportunity to start over and the blonde had grabbed it with both hands. She was now a respected woman in a male dominated field and Lily didn’t want to see her throw it all away. The backlash of a same-sex relationship in a good ole boys club might not just destroy her career; it could be physically dangerous as well. And then there was Lindsey to think about.
Linds thought it was cool now, but once her friends started calling her and her mother names and making fun of her, she knew it would hurt the girl. Her granddaughter already been through so much with the death of her father that Lily didn’t want to see her in any unnecessary pain when it was completely avoidable. She’d have to wait until she could get Cath alone to talk to her though. Because even though she disapproved of where their relationship might be going, she was still grateful to the brunette for saving her daughter’s life. She didn’t want to hurt Sara but she also couldn’t allow the young woman to hurt Catherine or Lindsey either.
TBC