Fic : Demons Part 20
Title: When Demons Come a Calling - Part 20
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 20
“Hey girl, how’re you feeling?”
Warrick’s soft voice and softer green eyes pulled Sara out of her musings. “Kind of numb, I just got another shot of pain meds. You look tired.” The nurse had come in only seconds after Nick had left, like she had been hovering just outside the door waiting to pounce. It had taken a little convincing but just that morning she had talked her doctor into lowering the dose. She hated the way they knocked her out, it was nearly impossible to pull herself out of her nightmares.
“Yeah well with both shifts being shorthanded we’re all working on Sidle time.” Brown was exhausted. The past week had been hell on all of them and the mental and emotional fatigue was just as debilitating as the physical, if not more.
“Nick told me about his Catwoman wannabe. What about you, any interesting cases?”
“Naw just the run of the mill cases.” Warrick wished he had something he could share with her but his night had brought nothing but death and depravity and she didn’t need to here about that.
As they fell into a stilted silence Sara understood from the look in his eyes what the man wasn’t saying. The things he had investigated last night were the kind of cases she hated, the kind of case she had become.
“There’s this new Jazz club that opened a few weeks ago, when you’re feeling better maybe we can go check it out.” Music was one of the few things that they really had in common besides the job and Warrick had missed talking about it the brunette since the team had been split up. During long cases they would often discus their diverse and sometimes eclectic tastes. They’d even gone to the odd club or two when someone they both liked had been playing, but that along with a lot of others things had been dropped by the wayside thanks to Ecklie.
“I’d really like that.”
Xxx
As Sara peered through the glass walls of the ICU, she couldn’t help but be reminded of the lab. They both had the same feeling of living inside a fishbowl, you could see everyone, and everyone could see you. So it was no surprise when she spotted Greg walking toward her room.
Just before he got to the door he suddenly disappeared and the brunette at first thought that he had fallen, until he slid around the door frame low to the ground. As the young CSI’s eyes darted furtively around the room and back to the hall she could hear that he was humming the unmistakable theme to Mission Impossible.
As Greg formed his fingers into the shape of a gun and rushed into the room, practically diving behind one of the large pieces of medical equipment, Sara had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at his antics. When he rolled across the floor though, coming to rest on one knee, she lost the battle. “What are you doing?”
Sanders smiled to himself, his plan was working perfectly. He stood and walked toward the bed as if he hadn’t just entered the room like a pack of rabid ninjas could be hiding behind every piece of machinery and in every shadow. He wasn’t finished yet though, as he reached the brunette he turned his back on her and spoke softly out the side of his mouth. “The long haired man has a new pair of shoes.”
“Greg, have you been using that caffeinated water to brew your coffee again?” There was a reason the spiky haired goofball was one of Sara’s favorite people in the lab. The only time he couldn’t make her smile was when she was in the grip of her darkest moods.
“I’m sorry the correct response was ‘The duck is wearing purple plaid pants.’. I guess I’ll just have to destroy these.” Greg took the travel sized toothbrush, toothpaste and hairbrush out from under his shirt and waved them in front of the brunette’s face.
“Nooo, gimme!” Just the thought of getting the taste of decomposing weasel out of her mouth was enough to almost get Sara to beg. Almost.
Greg took several long moments to make it appear as though he was seriously considering it before shaking his head. “These are very valuable items, I can’t just give them away. I’m going to need something in return for risking life and limb to get them to you.”
“Hand ‘em over Secret Agent Double O Geek or you will live to regret it.” Sara smiled at the adorable ex-lab rat.
“Oh you wound me M’lady. I guess I have no choice.” Greg opened the packages and handed the contents to her with an overly dramatic flourish.
“Thank you Greg.” It was more than a little awkward, with a cast on one arm and a bullet hole in the other, but she managed to get some paste on the brush. “Can you hand me a cup of water please?”
Sanders grinned at the brunette’s stubborn nature. She was gripping the tooth brush with three fingers of her splinted arm and squeezing the tube with the one weakened by her gunshot wound. Sara was the most fiercely independent person he had ever met. And the second she asked for water he hurried to retrieve it happy to be allowed to assist her even a little.
Sara dipped the toothbrush into the cup before bringing it to her mouth. It was a slow and uncomfortable process but she managed to finally to get the thick shag carpet off her teeth and it made her feel a hundred percent better. Trying to get the tangles out of hair however was going to be a different story altogether.
Greg watched as long as he could as the brunette tried first with one hand and then the other to brush out her hair. Unlike the toothbrush she couldn’t seem to get a strong enough grip with her splinted hand to pull it through the snarled knots. When she tried to use the other arm he could see how much it hurt her to lift it. He knew he was risking pulling back a bloody stump but he just couldn’t stand to see her suffering for something so trivial. Putting his hand over Sara’s, to still her attempts, he took the brush and began the detangling process as gently as he could.
Sara fought back tears as Greg tenderly took care of her without a word. It was so different from the last time someone had done this to her. After coming home from a trip to the beach she had gone straight to her room to read without a second thought to her appearance. It wasn’t until she had come downstairs to fix herself something for dinner that her mother had spotted the windblown tangles.
The older Sidle woman had already been drinking for several hours by that time and the second Sara heard the slurred demand for her to get the brush she knew she was in for pain. She had sat as quietly as she could as her mom had pulled, yanked and tore the knots out of her hair, sometimes taking bits of scalp with them. Laura’s sharp voice had only added to the tears the pain had brought to her eyes, ‘Filthy little brat, seven years old and you can’t even keep your hair combed. Disgusting.’. After that day she had made certain that her hair was brushed before her mother saw her.
As the younger CSI finished working out the last tangle and began long strokes the length of her brunette locks Sara allowed herself to relax and enjoy it. She couldn’t quite believe that she was letting Greg Sanders of all people brush her hair, but she had to admit he was good at it.
When he finally let his hand fall away, the strange intimacy of the moment began to crowd in on her and Sara felt a need to distance herself from it. “Maybe tomorrow you can paint my toenails.”
Greg had to bite his tongue to keep the comment his mind dredged up from the gutter, about preferring to her give her a sponge bath instead, from spilling out. Even he knew that would be inappropriate under the circumstances. He also understood her need to make light of what had he had done, she wasn’t blowing him off or ungrateful she just didn’t like people to think of her as weak or vulnerable. “I could borrow some stuff from Cath and we could do a whole makeover.”
“You actually know how to give someone a makeover?” Sara didn’t know if she should be impressed or disturbed.
“I was an only child, and my parents were extremely over-protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to play sports or ride bikes with the boys from the neighborhood. They were terrified I’d hurt myself. There were twin girls a year older than me that lived next though and my mom had deemed them safe playmates. Needless to say I got used as a guinea pig a lot.” Sanders’ defense of his manhood was slightly tarnished by the rather large smile spreading across his face. The Densen twins had been really really cute.
“Well I think we should wait until after I get out of the hospital, or at least until they let me take a shower first and then we’ll, discuss it.” Sara was pretty certain that a snowball had a better chance in hell then her young friend had of painting up her face. She was sure that she would either come out of it looking like a clown or a two dollar hooker.
“It’s a date.” Greg smirked at her as he rose to leave. “I’ll see you this afternoon.”
Sara rolled her eyes at his back as he walked to the door. “See you later. And Greg, thanks, for everything.”
Xxx
Catherine cursed under her breath as she rushed through the waiting room towards the nurse’s station. She was incredibly late and could only hope that Sara didn’t think that she had abandoned her. She was so focused on her destination that she didn’t see the quirky former DNA tech until she nearly plowed over him. She was actually glad to see him, if he was just leaving then that meant that the brunette hadn’t been alone.
“Sorry about that Greg. How’s she doing?” Willows couldn’t help but notice the huge grin on the young man’s face.
“Huh? Oh no problem Cath. She’s doing good, better, I think. What about you?” Sanders tried to pull his mind away from the brunette down the hall and concentrate on the blonde in front of him. He was just so thrilled that Sara had let him help her and had had a smile on her beautiful face almost the entire visit. He knew perfectly well that even though he still harbored a bit of a crush on her that she would never feel the same way about him. But he would gladly take her friendship and any tiny bone she might throw his way.
Catherine self-consciously ran a hand through her hair, lightly grazing over the stitches on the back of her head. She had forgone the bandage, hating the way it drew people’s attention, if someone was going to stare at her she would rather it be for her looks. It was also better if Sara wasn’t reminded that she’d been injured at all. “I’m good thanks. What’s got that smile plastered on your face?”
“Oh well, umm nothing. Listen I’ve got to go catch a few z’s, I’ll see you later.” His face was on fire. It wasn’t that Greg had anything to hide, it was just he didn’t think Sara would appreciate him sharing something so personal. If she wanted Catherine to know, she would tell her.
Cath watched the red faced, Cheshire cat grinning, man hurry away before signing her name on the visitors log sheet and making her way to Sara’s room. She was so confused by his strange behavior that she forgot to be mad at him for avoiding her question.
“So what did you do to Greg?” Catherine inquired as she bent over and brushed her lips against the brunette’s forehead.
“I didn’t do anything to him. Why?” Sara was again surprised by the blonde’s affectionate gesture but she tried not to let it show. She couldn’t help but wonder if Catherine’s mothering nature would still show itself to her once she was out of the hospital. The brunette desperately hoped so, now that she had seen that side of her co-worker she didn’t want to even think about going back to the way things were before.
“He had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that I have ever seen and was blushing harder than a nun in a strip joint.” Catherine arched one perfectly shaped eyebrow as a deep crimson flush, bright enough to rival the one Sanders had been sporting, crawled up the brunette’s cheeks. Now she knew something was up.
“I didn’t actually do anything to him, it was…well it was more like…ah crap…it was what he did to me.” Sara didn’t know why she was having such a hard time getting it out of her mouth, it hadn’t been anything major, just one friend brushing another’s hair. Maybe it was because he had been so incredibly sweet about it, not even flirting with her. Maybe it was just the fact that it was Greg, but it was probably because she had needed help at all.
As the younger woman stammered Catherine felt her blood pressure rising. A thousand different scenarios were flashing like lightning through her mind and the blonde was seriously considering running after the spiky-haired kid and strangling him. “What exactly did he do?”
Sara blinked rapidly at the older woman’s clinched jaw and the cold fire raging in her icy blue eyes. Uh oh, she knew what that look meant. No matter how embarrassed she was, the brunette was going to have to tell Catherine if she wanted to save Greggo’s neck. “I let him brush my hair.”
Her hair? He brushed her hair? Cath couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up. She was relieved Sara hadn’t been hurt yet again but at the same time she was chagrined that her new protective streak for the brunette would have her ready to chase down Greg and do him great bodily harm. “We were about to be permanently short a CSI you know?”
“Yeah I figured, what with the smoke coming out of your ears and all.” Sara grinned at the other woman as she gently teased her. She had seen that momma bear side of the blonde come out a few times before but it had never once been on her behalf before. She liked it.
“I have to say I’m a little surprised. I know you’re not a touchy-feely kind of person and shy away from …”
“That’s not true.” Sara interrupted the blonde before she could finish. Out of all the misconceptions about her around the lab that one refused to die. “I crave human contact just as much as the next person.”
“Sara we’ve all seen you back away from people and even flinch and tense up when they touch you. I completely understand why now, after everything you’ve been through in your life it’s a natural reaction.” It was one of the things about the brunette that had put her off in the beginning. The few times she had tried to put a hand on the small of her back or her shoulder the younger woman had become so stiff that the blonde had been convinced Sara would snap in two if she applied the least bit of pressure. Cath was a very tactile person and for someone to reject her that way bruised her ego and in turn made her distance herself even further from the enigmatic brunette.
“When I don’t know someone, yes I admit I do that, I can’t help it. It takes me a long time to be able to trust someone enough to comfortably allow them that close. Of course by the time I am, they’ve usually given up.” For Sara it was something of a curse. She wanted to get close to people but her fear kept them at arms distance until they were convinced she hated physical contact.
Willows lowered her head in shame, she had done exactly that. “I’m so sorry. I should have realized sooner, all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them.”
“Cath please don’t apologize, I didn’t exactly make it easy. I was so desperate to prove that I deserved to be there, personally handpicked by Grissom, I let it go to my head. Combined with all my other issues it made me hard to get along with. So let’s just forget about it, please?” Sara gave a self-depreciating laugh. During her first year in Vegas she really had done everything she could to keep people at arms length while she got to know them. It was a defense mechanism to keep herself safe until she could trust them. The guys had managed to break through slowly and become her friends but she and the blonde had never gotten past being casual acquaintances.
Catherine wasn’t ready to let it go. Last week she wouldn’t have thought twice about it but now she wanted to clear the air. “Sara you are one of the best investigators I’ve ever worked with, Grissom included, and we were lucky to get you. You being difficult to get along with doesn’t excuse some of the things I’ve said to you. The thought that my words reminded you of your abusive mother, that they hurt you, makes me sick.”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. The teachers used to tell us that when one kid started making fun of another. I wonder if they know how full of shit it is. Bruises fade, cuts heal and bones mend, but words can stay with you a lifetime. Yes, the stuff my mother said to me were horrible things no child should hear coming from a parent, or anyone else for that matter. Yes, you said some mean things to me but believe me they don’t even begin to compare. I’m not denying that they hurt at the time but I got over them. I’m not innocent either. I’ve said more than a few things that were out of line to you. Now can we please just let it go?” Sara knew she wasn’t being completely honest but Catherine didn’t need to know that in her darker moments she dredged up the blonde’s words to torment herself with and give her feelings of worthlessness credence. She wanted to put their past behind them and they couldn’t do that if the older woman was constantly beating herself up about it.
Willows wasn’t sure if she should believe Sara or not but she didn’t want to upset her and it was clear that this conversation was distressing her. She’d have to drop it for now, but she wasn’t about to forget it. “Ok, I have something I need to talk to you about anyway. When you’re released I want you to come and stay with Lindsey and me during your recovery.”
Sara couldn’t explain the icy spike of fear that coursed through her at the request. The thought of being in the same house as the two blondes, night and day, was sending her heart into overdrive. Suddenly she couldn’t breath, couldn’t see, couldn’t move. It was as if her entire body had suddenly locked up.
With the brunette’s monitors going crazy in the background Cath tried to sooth Sara as she waved off the nurse that came running to see what was wrong. “Sweetheart calm down, you’re having a panic attack. Take deep breaths, in, out.” The second she had asked her to recuperate at their house, the younger woman had gone pale and freaked out. She certainly hadn’t expected that reaction, flat out stubborn refusal yes, terror no.
The hand carding through her hair, nails scratching gently against her scalp, slowly helped Sara to get her body back under control. As the darkness lifted she looked up into worried blue eyes and felt her face flush hotly in embarrassment. Why the hell did she lose it like that over one little question? What was it about staying with the blonde that scared the hell out of her?
“You okay?” Catherine asked as Sara relaxed. When the brunette nodded she gestured to the nurse that it was okay for her to leave before she turned her attention back to the younger woman. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I’m not sure what happened.” That was the truth. Sara had just reacted, but she wasn’t sure why. All she knew was that the idea had struck a cord of fear deep within her.
“Is it because you still feel responsible for what happened? Because we discussed that and I thought you agreed with me that it wasn’t you and you can’t be held accountable for anything?” Catherine had known that it would take more than one conversation to get the brunette past her feelings of culpability and guilt but she thought that they had at least made a dent in them.
“I know that, I do. Jim came to see me last night and told me bout the tox results. I know what happens to someone on PCP. This was something different.” As far as Sidle was concerned it was the truth. She had begun to let go of some of her guilt, not completely, that would never happen as far she was concerned. But what had triggered this little episode was not the same.
“Does it maybe have something to do with what Michael Thomas said, about your… feelings… for me?” Cath had been too scared at the time to think much about it when their captor had said it but now that death wasn’t staring her in the face and the brunette was beginning to physically recover, she could. It was the only other thing she could think of that might account for Sara’s extreme reaction.
There it was, the giant pink and purple polka dotted elephant that she had hoped had been a figment of her drug and pain addled mind. Of course she couldn’t get that lucky. And now that Catherine had brought it up she couldn’t avoid it either. Well, after everything she had been through, the blonde deserved as honest an answer as she could give her. “I had a… a small…crush on you… for a while. I guess he made me tell him about it, or figured it out on his own, and tried to use it to get me to do what he wanted. But I don’t think it’s that either.”
Catherine shook her head as the younger woman looked away from her. That wasn’t the impression she had gotten from Thomas. “Had? As in you don’t anymore?”
Sara was convinced that she was going to end up with third degree burns on her face from blushing so hard for so long. This was not something she had ever planned on discussing with Catherine. “You were still married when I came onboard, had a daughter, and after the divorce a boyfriend, and then another one after that. You made it pretty clear that while we might work well together, when our personalities weren’t clashing, we were never going to be friends much less anything else. So even though I still found you attractive I got over the crush part, unlike my stupid Grissom obsession.”
Catherine wasn’t sure why but she didn’t like the sound of Sara just ‘getting over’ her. It wasn’t that she wanted the brunette to still be carrying a torch for her, the brunette been hurt more than enough by one unrequited love but she couldn’t help feel a little cheated. Gil had known Sara had feelings for him, had the chance to accept it but instead had thrown it away time and time again, she had been denied the opportunity to even consider it.
In a way she had been worse than him, she had been completely blinded by her preconceived notions and territoriality and had never even known the brunette had more than friendly feelings for her until a madman used it against the younger woman in an attempt to corrupt her. Now Grissom was going to get yet another chance and for some reason she felt a little bitter about that. She might not have wanted a romantic relationship with Sara but as far as she was concerned he didn’t deserve one after everything he had put her through. “Well it looks like your obsession is going to pay off. He told me what he said to you during his visit.”
“Yeah, great. I finally understand that what I thought was love was really an over-inflated case of hero worship mixed in with some other stuff and he decides that I’m finally worth the risk. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t go back to being like I was before. It was killing me.” Now that they were no longer on the subject of her feelings for the older woman Sara felt the heat in her cheeks recede a bit and she could almost look Catherine in the eye.
“Well after my talk with Gil this morning you have some time to figure out what, if anything, you want to do. He said he would back off and wait until you were ready. The ball is in your court now Sara, you have to be the one to decide what’s right for you. But we’re kind of getting away from the reason for your panic attack. If it’s not what happened in that room and it’s not your past feelings for me, then why the freak out?” Catherine needed to understand so she could help Sara get over whatever it was that was scaring her. If she could get her through it then the brunette might agree to stay with her and then the blonde could fulfill the need she felt to protect and take care of the younger woman.
“I don’t know Cath, I wish I did. It’s like there’s something in the back of my mind trying to get out but there’s a wall that’s keeping me from seeing it.” Sara sighed in frustration. She wasn’t really good at the whole introspective thing, what she was good at was dwelling on her failure, her faults. She could tear herself down so easily but she had the hardest time building herself back up.
Catherine could see Sara was getting agitated and reached out run her fingers through the prone woman’s chestnut locks. “Don’t try to force it, you won’t be getting out of here for a while so we have time to figure it out. Just promise me you’ll think about staying at my place?”
“I’ll think about it.” It was all she could give the blonde until she could understand why she had reacted the way she did. Sara knew it was something important, something that she needed to remember that could potentially affect them both. She just didn’t have the first clue as to what it might be.
TBC
Author: Kimmi
Fandom: CSI
Pairing: Sara/Catherine
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I only wished I owned Sara and Catherine. Unfortunately CBS does, I’m just borrowing them.
Summary: When Sara’s past comes back to haunt her it arrives with a vengeance.
Spoilers: Up to Nesting Dolls, after that it takes a sharp left turn.
Authors Notes: This is dark, full of angst and deals with themes of rape and torture, although I don’t think I got too graphic. I also do not have a beta so there will be errors.
Chapters | 1 | 2-3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7-8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 |
Part 20
“Hey girl, how’re you feeling?”
Warrick’s soft voice and softer green eyes pulled Sara out of her musings. “Kind of numb, I just got another shot of pain meds. You look tired.” The nurse had come in only seconds after Nick had left, like she had been hovering just outside the door waiting to pounce. It had taken a little convincing but just that morning she had talked her doctor into lowering the dose. She hated the way they knocked her out, it was nearly impossible to pull herself out of her nightmares.
“Yeah well with both shifts being shorthanded we’re all working on Sidle time.” Brown was exhausted. The past week had been hell on all of them and the mental and emotional fatigue was just as debilitating as the physical, if not more.
“Nick told me about his Catwoman wannabe. What about you, any interesting cases?”
“Naw just the run of the mill cases.” Warrick wished he had something he could share with her but his night had brought nothing but death and depravity and she didn’t need to here about that.
As they fell into a stilted silence Sara understood from the look in his eyes what the man wasn’t saying. The things he had investigated last night were the kind of cases she hated, the kind of case she had become.
“There’s this new Jazz club that opened a few weeks ago, when you’re feeling better maybe we can go check it out.” Music was one of the few things that they really had in common besides the job and Warrick had missed talking about it the brunette since the team had been split up. During long cases they would often discus their diverse and sometimes eclectic tastes. They’d even gone to the odd club or two when someone they both liked had been playing, but that along with a lot of others things had been dropped by the wayside thanks to Ecklie.
“I’d really like that.”
Xxx
As Sara peered through the glass walls of the ICU, she couldn’t help but be reminded of the lab. They both had the same feeling of living inside a fishbowl, you could see everyone, and everyone could see you. So it was no surprise when she spotted Greg walking toward her room.
Just before he got to the door he suddenly disappeared and the brunette at first thought that he had fallen, until he slid around the door frame low to the ground. As the young CSI’s eyes darted furtively around the room and back to the hall she could hear that he was humming the unmistakable theme to Mission Impossible.
As Greg formed his fingers into the shape of a gun and rushed into the room, practically diving behind one of the large pieces of medical equipment, Sara had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at his antics. When he rolled across the floor though, coming to rest on one knee, she lost the battle. “What are you doing?”
Sanders smiled to himself, his plan was working perfectly. He stood and walked toward the bed as if he hadn’t just entered the room like a pack of rabid ninjas could be hiding behind every piece of machinery and in every shadow. He wasn’t finished yet though, as he reached the brunette he turned his back on her and spoke softly out the side of his mouth. “The long haired man has a new pair of shoes.”
“Greg, have you been using that caffeinated water to brew your coffee again?” There was a reason the spiky haired goofball was one of Sara’s favorite people in the lab. The only time he couldn’t make her smile was when she was in the grip of her darkest moods.
“I’m sorry the correct response was ‘The duck is wearing purple plaid pants.’. I guess I’ll just have to destroy these.” Greg took the travel sized toothbrush, toothpaste and hairbrush out from under his shirt and waved them in front of the brunette’s face.
“Nooo, gimme!” Just the thought of getting the taste of decomposing weasel out of her mouth was enough to almost get Sara to beg. Almost.
Greg took several long moments to make it appear as though he was seriously considering it before shaking his head. “These are very valuable items, I can’t just give them away. I’m going to need something in return for risking life and limb to get them to you.”
“Hand ‘em over Secret Agent Double O Geek or you will live to regret it.” Sara smiled at the adorable ex-lab rat.
“Oh you wound me M’lady. I guess I have no choice.” Greg opened the packages and handed the contents to her with an overly dramatic flourish.
“Thank you Greg.” It was more than a little awkward, with a cast on one arm and a bullet hole in the other, but she managed to get some paste on the brush. “Can you hand me a cup of water please?”
Sanders grinned at the brunette’s stubborn nature. She was gripping the tooth brush with three fingers of her splinted arm and squeezing the tube with the one weakened by her gunshot wound. Sara was the most fiercely independent person he had ever met. And the second she asked for water he hurried to retrieve it happy to be allowed to assist her even a little.
Sara dipped the toothbrush into the cup before bringing it to her mouth. It was a slow and uncomfortable process but she managed to finally to get the thick shag carpet off her teeth and it made her feel a hundred percent better. Trying to get the tangles out of hair however was going to be a different story altogether.
Greg watched as long as he could as the brunette tried first with one hand and then the other to brush out her hair. Unlike the toothbrush she couldn’t seem to get a strong enough grip with her splinted hand to pull it through the snarled knots. When she tried to use the other arm he could see how much it hurt her to lift it. He knew he was risking pulling back a bloody stump but he just couldn’t stand to see her suffering for something so trivial. Putting his hand over Sara’s, to still her attempts, he took the brush and began the detangling process as gently as he could.
Sara fought back tears as Greg tenderly took care of her without a word. It was so different from the last time someone had done this to her. After coming home from a trip to the beach she had gone straight to her room to read without a second thought to her appearance. It wasn’t until she had come downstairs to fix herself something for dinner that her mother had spotted the windblown tangles.
The older Sidle woman had already been drinking for several hours by that time and the second Sara heard the slurred demand for her to get the brush she knew she was in for pain. She had sat as quietly as she could as her mom had pulled, yanked and tore the knots out of her hair, sometimes taking bits of scalp with them. Laura’s sharp voice had only added to the tears the pain had brought to her eyes, ‘Filthy little brat, seven years old and you can’t even keep your hair combed. Disgusting.’. After that day she had made certain that her hair was brushed before her mother saw her.
As the younger CSI finished working out the last tangle and began long strokes the length of her brunette locks Sara allowed herself to relax and enjoy it. She couldn’t quite believe that she was letting Greg Sanders of all people brush her hair, but she had to admit he was good at it.
When he finally let his hand fall away, the strange intimacy of the moment began to crowd in on her and Sara felt a need to distance herself from it. “Maybe tomorrow you can paint my toenails.”
Greg had to bite his tongue to keep the comment his mind dredged up from the gutter, about preferring to her give her a sponge bath instead, from spilling out. Even he knew that would be inappropriate under the circumstances. He also understood her need to make light of what had he had done, she wasn’t blowing him off or ungrateful she just didn’t like people to think of her as weak or vulnerable. “I could borrow some stuff from Cath and we could do a whole makeover.”
“You actually know how to give someone a makeover?” Sara didn’t know if she should be impressed or disturbed.
“I was an only child, and my parents were extremely over-protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to play sports or ride bikes with the boys from the neighborhood. They were terrified I’d hurt myself. There were twin girls a year older than me that lived next though and my mom had deemed them safe playmates. Needless to say I got used as a guinea pig a lot.” Sanders’ defense of his manhood was slightly tarnished by the rather large smile spreading across his face. The Densen twins had been really really cute.
“Well I think we should wait until after I get out of the hospital, or at least until they let me take a shower first and then we’ll, discuss it.” Sara was pretty certain that a snowball had a better chance in hell then her young friend had of painting up her face. She was sure that she would either come out of it looking like a clown or a two dollar hooker.
“It’s a date.” Greg smirked at her as he rose to leave. “I’ll see you this afternoon.”
Sara rolled her eyes at his back as he walked to the door. “See you later. And Greg, thanks, for everything.”
Xxx
Catherine cursed under her breath as she rushed through the waiting room towards the nurse’s station. She was incredibly late and could only hope that Sara didn’t think that she had abandoned her. She was so focused on her destination that she didn’t see the quirky former DNA tech until she nearly plowed over him. She was actually glad to see him, if he was just leaving then that meant that the brunette hadn’t been alone.
“Sorry about that Greg. How’s she doing?” Willows couldn’t help but notice the huge grin on the young man’s face.
“Huh? Oh no problem Cath. She’s doing good, better, I think. What about you?” Sanders tried to pull his mind away from the brunette down the hall and concentrate on the blonde in front of him. He was just so thrilled that Sara had let him help her and had had a smile on her beautiful face almost the entire visit. He knew perfectly well that even though he still harbored a bit of a crush on her that she would never feel the same way about him. But he would gladly take her friendship and any tiny bone she might throw his way.
Catherine self-consciously ran a hand through her hair, lightly grazing over the stitches on the back of her head. She had forgone the bandage, hating the way it drew people’s attention, if someone was going to stare at her she would rather it be for her looks. It was also better if Sara wasn’t reminded that she’d been injured at all. “I’m good thanks. What’s got that smile plastered on your face?”
“Oh well, umm nothing. Listen I’ve got to go catch a few z’s, I’ll see you later.” His face was on fire. It wasn’t that Greg had anything to hide, it was just he didn’t think Sara would appreciate him sharing something so personal. If she wanted Catherine to know, she would tell her.
Cath watched the red faced, Cheshire cat grinning, man hurry away before signing her name on the visitors log sheet and making her way to Sara’s room. She was so confused by his strange behavior that she forgot to be mad at him for avoiding her question.
“So what did you do to Greg?” Catherine inquired as she bent over and brushed her lips against the brunette’s forehead.
“I didn’t do anything to him. Why?” Sara was again surprised by the blonde’s affectionate gesture but she tried not to let it show. She couldn’t help but wonder if Catherine’s mothering nature would still show itself to her once she was out of the hospital. The brunette desperately hoped so, now that she had seen that side of her co-worker she didn’t want to even think about going back to the way things were before.
“He had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face that I have ever seen and was blushing harder than a nun in a strip joint.” Catherine arched one perfectly shaped eyebrow as a deep crimson flush, bright enough to rival the one Sanders had been sporting, crawled up the brunette’s cheeks. Now she knew something was up.
“I didn’t actually do anything to him, it was…well it was more like…ah crap…it was what he did to me.” Sara didn’t know why she was having such a hard time getting it out of her mouth, it hadn’t been anything major, just one friend brushing another’s hair. Maybe it was because he had been so incredibly sweet about it, not even flirting with her. Maybe it was just the fact that it was Greg, but it was probably because she had needed help at all.
As the younger woman stammered Catherine felt her blood pressure rising. A thousand different scenarios were flashing like lightning through her mind and the blonde was seriously considering running after the spiky-haired kid and strangling him. “What exactly did he do?”
Sara blinked rapidly at the older woman’s clinched jaw and the cold fire raging in her icy blue eyes. Uh oh, she knew what that look meant. No matter how embarrassed she was, the brunette was going to have to tell Catherine if she wanted to save Greggo’s neck. “I let him brush my hair.”
Her hair? He brushed her hair? Cath couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up. She was relieved Sara hadn’t been hurt yet again but at the same time she was chagrined that her new protective streak for the brunette would have her ready to chase down Greg and do him great bodily harm. “We were about to be permanently short a CSI you know?”
“Yeah I figured, what with the smoke coming out of your ears and all.” Sara grinned at the other woman as she gently teased her. She had seen that momma bear side of the blonde come out a few times before but it had never once been on her behalf before. She liked it.
“I have to say I’m a little surprised. I know you’re not a touchy-feely kind of person and shy away from …”
“That’s not true.” Sara interrupted the blonde before she could finish. Out of all the misconceptions about her around the lab that one refused to die. “I crave human contact just as much as the next person.”
“Sara we’ve all seen you back away from people and even flinch and tense up when they touch you. I completely understand why now, after everything you’ve been through in your life it’s a natural reaction.” It was one of the things about the brunette that had put her off in the beginning. The few times she had tried to put a hand on the small of her back or her shoulder the younger woman had become so stiff that the blonde had been convinced Sara would snap in two if she applied the least bit of pressure. Cath was a very tactile person and for someone to reject her that way bruised her ego and in turn made her distance herself even further from the enigmatic brunette.
“When I don’t know someone, yes I admit I do that, I can’t help it. It takes me a long time to be able to trust someone enough to comfortably allow them that close. Of course by the time I am, they’ve usually given up.” For Sara it was something of a curse. She wanted to get close to people but her fear kept them at arms distance until they were convinced she hated physical contact.
Willows lowered her head in shame, she had done exactly that. “I’m so sorry. I should have realized sooner, all the signs were there but I chose to ignore them.”
“Cath please don’t apologize, I didn’t exactly make it easy. I was so desperate to prove that I deserved to be there, personally handpicked by Grissom, I let it go to my head. Combined with all my other issues it made me hard to get along with. So let’s just forget about it, please?” Sara gave a self-depreciating laugh. During her first year in Vegas she really had done everything she could to keep people at arms length while she got to know them. It was a defense mechanism to keep herself safe until she could trust them. The guys had managed to break through slowly and become her friends but she and the blonde had never gotten past being casual acquaintances.
Catherine wasn’t ready to let it go. Last week she wouldn’t have thought twice about it but now she wanted to clear the air. “Sara you are one of the best investigators I’ve ever worked with, Grissom included, and we were lucky to get you. You being difficult to get along with doesn’t excuse some of the things I’ve said to you. The thought that my words reminded you of your abusive mother, that they hurt you, makes me sick.”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. The teachers used to tell us that when one kid started making fun of another. I wonder if they know how full of shit it is. Bruises fade, cuts heal and bones mend, but words can stay with you a lifetime. Yes, the stuff my mother said to me were horrible things no child should hear coming from a parent, or anyone else for that matter. Yes, you said some mean things to me but believe me they don’t even begin to compare. I’m not denying that they hurt at the time but I got over them. I’m not innocent either. I’ve said more than a few things that were out of line to you. Now can we please just let it go?” Sara knew she wasn’t being completely honest but Catherine didn’t need to know that in her darker moments she dredged up the blonde’s words to torment herself with and give her feelings of worthlessness credence. She wanted to put their past behind them and they couldn’t do that if the older woman was constantly beating herself up about it.
Willows wasn’t sure if she should believe Sara or not but she didn’t want to upset her and it was clear that this conversation was distressing her. She’d have to drop it for now, but she wasn’t about to forget it. “Ok, I have something I need to talk to you about anyway. When you’re released I want you to come and stay with Lindsey and me during your recovery.”
Sara couldn’t explain the icy spike of fear that coursed through her at the request. The thought of being in the same house as the two blondes, night and day, was sending her heart into overdrive. Suddenly she couldn’t breath, couldn’t see, couldn’t move. It was as if her entire body had suddenly locked up.
With the brunette’s monitors going crazy in the background Cath tried to sooth Sara as she waved off the nurse that came running to see what was wrong. “Sweetheart calm down, you’re having a panic attack. Take deep breaths, in, out.” The second she had asked her to recuperate at their house, the younger woman had gone pale and freaked out. She certainly hadn’t expected that reaction, flat out stubborn refusal yes, terror no.
The hand carding through her hair, nails scratching gently against her scalp, slowly helped Sara to get her body back under control. As the darkness lifted she looked up into worried blue eyes and felt her face flush hotly in embarrassment. Why the hell did she lose it like that over one little question? What was it about staying with the blonde that scared the hell out of her?
“You okay?” Catherine asked as Sara relaxed. When the brunette nodded she gestured to the nurse that it was okay for her to leave before she turned her attention back to the younger woman. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I’m not sure what happened.” That was the truth. Sara had just reacted, but she wasn’t sure why. All she knew was that the idea had struck a cord of fear deep within her.
“Is it because you still feel responsible for what happened? Because we discussed that and I thought you agreed with me that it wasn’t you and you can’t be held accountable for anything?” Catherine had known that it would take more than one conversation to get the brunette past her feelings of culpability and guilt but she thought that they had at least made a dent in them.
“I know that, I do. Jim came to see me last night and told me bout the tox results. I know what happens to someone on PCP. This was something different.” As far as Sidle was concerned it was the truth. She had begun to let go of some of her guilt, not completely, that would never happen as far she was concerned. But what had triggered this little episode was not the same.
“Does it maybe have something to do with what Michael Thomas said, about your… feelings… for me?” Cath had been too scared at the time to think much about it when their captor had said it but now that death wasn’t staring her in the face and the brunette was beginning to physically recover, she could. It was the only other thing she could think of that might account for Sara’s extreme reaction.
There it was, the giant pink and purple polka dotted elephant that she had hoped had been a figment of her drug and pain addled mind. Of course she couldn’t get that lucky. And now that Catherine had brought it up she couldn’t avoid it either. Well, after everything she had been through, the blonde deserved as honest an answer as she could give her. “I had a… a small…crush on you… for a while. I guess he made me tell him about it, or figured it out on his own, and tried to use it to get me to do what he wanted. But I don’t think it’s that either.”
Catherine shook her head as the younger woman looked away from her. That wasn’t the impression she had gotten from Thomas. “Had? As in you don’t anymore?”
Sara was convinced that she was going to end up with third degree burns on her face from blushing so hard for so long. This was not something she had ever planned on discussing with Catherine. “You were still married when I came onboard, had a daughter, and after the divorce a boyfriend, and then another one after that. You made it pretty clear that while we might work well together, when our personalities weren’t clashing, we were never going to be friends much less anything else. So even though I still found you attractive I got over the crush part, unlike my stupid Grissom obsession.”
Catherine wasn’t sure why but she didn’t like the sound of Sara just ‘getting over’ her. It wasn’t that she wanted the brunette to still be carrying a torch for her, the brunette been hurt more than enough by one unrequited love but she couldn’t help feel a little cheated. Gil had known Sara had feelings for him, had the chance to accept it but instead had thrown it away time and time again, she had been denied the opportunity to even consider it.
In a way she had been worse than him, she had been completely blinded by her preconceived notions and territoriality and had never even known the brunette had more than friendly feelings for her until a madman used it against the younger woman in an attempt to corrupt her. Now Grissom was going to get yet another chance and for some reason she felt a little bitter about that. She might not have wanted a romantic relationship with Sara but as far as she was concerned he didn’t deserve one after everything he had put her through. “Well it looks like your obsession is going to pay off. He told me what he said to you during his visit.”
“Yeah, great. I finally understand that what I thought was love was really an over-inflated case of hero worship mixed in with some other stuff and he decides that I’m finally worth the risk. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t go back to being like I was before. It was killing me.” Now that they were no longer on the subject of her feelings for the older woman Sara felt the heat in her cheeks recede a bit and she could almost look Catherine in the eye.
“Well after my talk with Gil this morning you have some time to figure out what, if anything, you want to do. He said he would back off and wait until you were ready. The ball is in your court now Sara, you have to be the one to decide what’s right for you. But we’re kind of getting away from the reason for your panic attack. If it’s not what happened in that room and it’s not your past feelings for me, then why the freak out?” Catherine needed to understand so she could help Sara get over whatever it was that was scaring her. If she could get her through it then the brunette might agree to stay with her and then the blonde could fulfill the need she felt to protect and take care of the younger woman.
“I don’t know Cath, I wish I did. It’s like there’s something in the back of my mind trying to get out but there’s a wall that’s keeping me from seeing it.” Sara sighed in frustration. She wasn’t really good at the whole introspective thing, what she was good at was dwelling on her failure, her faults. She could tear herself down so easily but she had the hardest time building herself back up.
Catherine could see Sara was getting agitated and reached out run her fingers through the prone woman’s chestnut locks. “Don’t try to force it, you won’t be getting out of here for a while so we have time to figure it out. Just promise me you’ll think about staying at my place?”
“I’ll think about it.” It was all she could give the blonde until she could understand why she had reacted the way she did. Sara knew it was something important, something that she needed to remember that could potentially affect them both. She just didn’t have the first clue as to what it might be.
TBC