Past Mistakes

[teine]

I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm

Comments

~~#~~

[webkat]

Reading that through the first time the person I most identified with was K, maybe due to the whole online thing I can't be sure. Second time I tried to read it without feeling any kind of attachment to any of the people involved

Re: ~~#~~

[teine]

I really appreciate your response - you gave me the direct honesty I wanted from my friends.. and I'm still processing this, and the other responses.

I do however believe that K was right to be so angry (at the 4week silence), withdrawing from a connection is not an option in any relationship you hope to either further or envelope.I did just want to say that this is one of the bits I changed somewhat, because what really happened was widely discussed amoung mutual friends etc, and I'm trying to protect people's identities. The core feelings are the same though

Re: ~~#~~

[lilpandoraa]

I have to say that if I think K maybe over reacted at that point. If you care about someone in a poly situation you also care that their primary relationship doesn't suffer. I think space or compromise and further discussion about needed space should have happened. Sometimes you need that breather to think things through rationally and logically.

It does sound like it was a difficult situation. :/

Re: ~~#~~

[teine]

It was difficult, and at that point in my life, K was the one with all the poly experience, who I counted on somewhat to help me untangle complexities.

But to be fair to her, I'm still not presenting a clear picture here. My point was to illustrate my own mistakes, not anyone elses. Please don't judge anyone else by my words here, because things were even more complex than I described.

[f_l_i_r_t]

In all seriousness, I have rarely met anyone who can truly commit to a polyamourous relationship. In my mind there are few issues here, one, I do not believe that human beings are naturally monogamous creatures, so I feel it is inherent to want to experience others throughout our lives pathway. Another is that most people are lacking in self-confidence in one area of who they are, if not many, this lack of confidence makes them more suseptible to jealousy. Also, in most relationships, there is usually one person more dominant then the other, so they usually will speak up talk about their needs whilst the more submissive one either remains quiet, or tried to please the dominant partner by agreeing things they aren't entirely comfortable with

[teine]

Again, thank you for the blunt honesty. Just what I wanted!
I've got more to think through here too, but just wanted to answer this one point.

I agree with those that spoke up in the ethical sluts seminar. If someone tells you to your face after numerous times, then you should take it at face value.As I said in the seminar - this isn't something I would expect everyone to want as a moral or ethical standard, but to me.. if my gut is telling me something is wrong, and I consciously choose to ignore that, I accept the consequences of that choice

[f_l_i_r_t]

I think it is fantastic that you are self-controlled and strong willed enough to be able to listen to your inner voice and not do as much as you are 'given' th ok to, if your inner voice tells you it isn't ok.

I guess the aim of a compatible, good relationship is both of you having this inner voice. But, saying this, I would hope, if you did go through with an approved activity, didn't get any of those niggling doubts, went ahead with it and your partner got upset, that your partner would understand it was their issue, work through it with you rather then getting upset. see what I mean?

I just think most of the human race, probably including myself, are selfish and would just go for the temptation, especially when given a green light, even when hearing inner doubts, as I said you are an amazing person to be able to do this.

[teine]

I think it is fantastic that you are self-controlled and strong willed enough to be able to listen to your inner voice and not do as much as you are 'given' th ok to, if your inner voice tells you it isn't ok.

Thank you.. but if I managed to always do that, I'd have made a lot less mistakes than I have.. I aspire to listen to that inner voice, but sometimes I go deaf to it.

[ketzl]

I have learned to listen to those gut instincts. To me, if I ignore that, and go with what someone else has previously said is OK without opening up communication and checking, then I'm in the wrong. (interestingly, I raised that point in a workshop on Ethical Sluts at BiCon, and just about everyone disagreed with me, and said 'if someone says something is OK, then you can't be blamed for going along with that, even if you felt it was wrong to do so').

I don't know about right & wrong & blame, but I do know that I and most people I talk to are not wholly conscious of their own feelings, and thus often they can't be trusted to logically reason about them or make commitments based on how they think they might feel. I agree that you can't be *blamed* but for me it's not about blame, it's about what works. If you can read your partner on a gut instinct level and that helps you avoid hurt, then good! Taking the most conservative of stated limits+gut feelings sounds like a solid approach. Lessons learned & all that.

[teine]

I agree that you can't be *blamed* but for me it's not about blame, it's about what works. If you can read your partner on a gut instinct level and that helps you avoid hurt, then good! Taking the most conservative of stated limits+gut feelings sounds like a solid approach

Yup, thats exactly what I meant.

That said, I know only too well that sometimes I get neither words, nor gut-instinct warning.

Sometimes you can agree something is OK, it can feel OK, and then after the event.. it just isnt OK. There is always a risk there are boundaries you didn't, and couldn't know about.

Thats when you need to fall back on that strong communication, and talk things through. But it's not easy.

Those who think polyamory is an easy option are seriously deluding themselves, IMNSHO. :)

[elf_master]

We are not always as strong against our desires as we'd like to be. That is my beef against the first two comments. Humans are strongly programmed to over-weight short term concerns. It's a bit like breaking an addiction "just don't do what your body is screaming for" - easier said than done

[teine]

I wish I could say I've been good about doing all that. Hopefully we will in the future - things have been going right recently.

At least you know what are red flags for you. That's half the battle, knowing the warning signs. Then all you need is the self-control to heed your own warnings :)

[deepfire]

I once found myself in a similar situation. I can't say exact, of course because each experience is so individual to all those involved

[teine]

when you speak with her, do you ever feel like something is missing or lost?

I'm afraid, yes, I do. Something died back then, even if it was just a possibility, and we both feel it, I think. I'm glad we're in touch, but we're both so different now. She's not the person I used to know, I'm not the person she used to know.

We stay in touch because we still care deeply for each other, but the magic died back then when we couldn't find a way to communicate.