Past Mistakes

[teine]

I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm

Comments

[elf_master]

We are not always as strong against our desires as we'd like to be. That is my beef against the first two comments. Humans are strongly programmed to over-weight short term concerns. It's a bit like breaking an addiction "just don't do what your body is screaming for" - easier said than done.

I can't agree with either the "go to the stated boundary" nor "go with your gut". In your case everything was a mess - conflicting ideas, no contact, lack of time. In the more general case a conflict between the other's statements and your gut is a HUGE red flag to talk.

elf and I have a simple rule which helps with that - everything is off limits until specificly spoken about (and that essentially includes each new person individually). We've learned the hard way, both of us, how important that talk first is. I also feel strongly that being conservative in what you express as a boundary is a good idea. It's better to err on the side of being able to handle - results in less drama.

Being able to trust stated boundaries is very comforting to all involved. That means talking when things don't sound right, and taking it slowly when anyone is uncertain.

I wish I could say I've been good about doing all that. Hopefully we will in the future - things have been going right recently.

[teine]

I wish I could say I've been good about doing all that. Hopefully we will in the future - things have been going right recently.

At least you know what are red flags for you. That's half the battle, knowing the warning signs. Then all you need is the self-control to heed your own warnings :)