Past Mistakes

Sep 06, 2004 13:40

I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm all to aware there are more mistakes out there just waiting for me.

Specific thoughts at the weekend, and a text message this morning, brought one particular time strongly to mind - and I thought I'd share that, as an example of things-gone-wrong, how I dealt with that, and perhaps, reflect with hindsight.


(I'm vague in a few places in this story, largely because I don't have anyone else involved's permission to tell it, and because details dont add to what I'm trying to say. I've also changed a few details, just to protect identities on the off-chance anyone knows the people involved. But the core story is there, untouched

Quite a few years ago, I was in a long-term relationship which in theory was polyamorous, but in practice had been very monogamous for some time. Then I met someone online - and there was such strong chemistry, that even without hope of meeting up in person, something special started to grow between us. She was in a triad (married to one bisexual man, and another bisexual man living in, with the two of them). We had some wonderful conversations about polyamory, triads, how it all worked - and my own relationship. I got to know her husband too, and we got along like a house on fire.. there were sparks there too, although those never went beyond conversation and wry smiles.

My partner was quite comfortable with my online relationship with K (as I'll call her now) - and it grew to the point where I would have said we were in love, although we'd never met. And still, everything felt good all round. I spoke to her boyfriend online, and made sure I knew he was comfortable -- K spoke to my partner, and made sure she was OK. There were niggles, and concerns, yes, but we talked them through.

Then, one summer, K's husband was invited to a conference in Holland; and I was invited to the same conference. K asked if I'd like her to come along with him, so we could meet, and see how we connected in person. Before we even decided to meet, I discussed it at length with my partner, and she with hers, and everyone said they were OK.

A couple of weeks before we left, it became clear that K and I were likely to want to express what we felt physically. We weren't entirely sure what our partners would think, so we asked.. Her boyfriend said "go, have fun, just come back to me afterwards". Her husband was more wary, he said.. "Let me meet him first, and we'll see, but snuggle and talk as much as you like". My partner said, a little warily, "I'm Ok with it, up to these boundaries.. Stick within those, and then if you meet again, I might be open to more happening, I want to see how I feel, first".

It all seemed very reasonable, and honestly we didn't care if we couldnt do more than snuggle and talk, but the potential was there, and that felt good. Right before I left, I checked with my partner again.. and she still said, "Yes, its OK, you know where my boundaries are, just respect them."

So, I went to Holland. I met K and her husband. For the first 3 days, we hang out with three of us, talked, laughed and hugged. On the last of those days, her husband said to me "K wants some time alone with you. She wants to sleep in your room with you, and I'm OK with that, if you want to". We discussed that a bit more, and he said.. "I trust you, just be nice to her, and have fun".

So, K and I ended up in bed together. There was so much sexual tension in the air it felt hard to breathe. We both wanted each other. It was a struggle to put feelings aside for long enough to talk through boundaries, safe sex, and all those other things we knew we should.. but we did. And while we did, I realised my gut was telling me that the boundaries my partner had set were too much for her, that she would indeed be upset if I walked up to that line, even without crossing it.

I had to go for a walk and cool off. I remember Eric Clapton's acoustic version of Layla playing as I walked along the side of a canal. In the end, I decided to phone my partner and check. If she confirmed my gut feelings, then I would play safe, and not risk hurting her. But she never answered. Nor on her mobile. I went back and explained to K, and we just snuggled a bit longer.. then I tried again, still no answer. It was unheard of for my partner not to answer her phone, not to return messages.. but on this occasion she didnt.

Since I couldn't get through to her, I explained to K.. "This is what boundaries I agreed with my partner, but.. my gut is telling me that I should pull those back a bit, and just stick in this space.. ". She didn't understand, I think - she said "if you've agreed boundaries, then just stick to what you've agreed".. and I was very tempted to do so.. but I said no.

At least, then I said no. What followed was 24 hours, pretty much non-stop, of snuggling, teasing, and foreplay.. with no real chance to let go. K pushed me, constantly nudged at the boundary I'd set. And I teased her right back. The energy was incredible, I've honestly never felt as wound up since. But I could resist anything K did.. until she whispered in my ear, and told me how much she wanted me.
That was more than I could take. And I cracked. I said, "OK, I'll stick to what i actually agreed.. "

By this point it was the morning of the day we were due to go home - and the tension and the lack of remaining time combined to build into one of the most intense, charged and exciting sexual experiences either of us had ever had.

I didn't feel bad afterwards, either.. I felt "I stuck to what I said I would do, and it'll be OK". K also felt her partners would be clearly OK with what happened.

So, we all went home. And things were NOT OK.

Firstly - my partner did indeed decide that what she'd said was OK, wasn't. She was very upset, and angry, and said I should have known it wouldnt have been OK, even if she'd said it would be. That's pretty hard to argue with, especially when your heart is prodding you and saying "told you so".

Secondly, K's boyfriend wasn't happy either. She said some things that made him feel vulnerable and he got upset and angry as well. Her husband was fine, though - and very supportive to everyone.

My partner said she'd get over this in time, and it would be OK. But she needed her time and space to react, and that she couldn't help not knowing how she would feel. Again, I didn't, couldn't, disagree. She asked me if I would talk to K, and ask if K and I would please agree to stay out of touch for 4 weeks, to allow she and I a chance to reconnect, and mend hurts.
I thought it was a good idea - it was very clear this wasn't going to turn into a permanent "dont talk to each other".. so, I asked K.

K exploded. She was furious, and angry, and said that my partner had no right to ask that. She said I had no right to ask it. She told lots of mutual friends what had happened, and told them I had no right to ask it. She wouldn't listen, or reason, she wouldn't discuss alternatives; all she would do is be angry that I had asked. In the end, she stopped talking to me.

I decided to focus on my partner, and try and fix what I could there, while checking in with K every few days to see if she would talk.. about anything. My partner and I did manage to get things worked out. Two weeks later, K was still ignoring me, so I kept focussing on my partner.. Four weeks later, K was gone.. and didn't speak to me for a couple of years.

K and I are still in touch now, but talk only occasionally. She's a different person now, and so am I. I think both of us remember the amazing connection we had, and how wonderfully we expressed it physically.. but like to brush aside the pain that followed.


Although I have made this mistake a couple of times more since - I have learned to listen to those gut instincts. To me, if I ignore that, and go with what someone else has previously said is OK without opening up communication and checking, then I'm in the wrong. (interestingly, I raised that point in a workshop on Ethical Sluts at BiCon, and just about everyone disagreed with me, and said 'if someone says something is OK, then you can't be blamed for going along with that, even if you felt it was wrong to do so').

Sometimes, when someone makes it hard to communicate with them about something - even in a simple way like not answering the phone - that's the time you most need to talk to them.

When there's a conflict between a long-standing relationship, and a new one -- you really need to focus on the long-standing relationship, and resolve the issues there. (I'm still looking for a good way to tell the new-relationship person.. "I need some space here, but I will come back and talk to you soon").

Intimate experiences can knock you right off your feet, and affect you much more than you expected them to. This isn't a bad thing, but sometimes getting to your feet needs a little time, or a friendly hand to hold onto. If a lover is over-reacting, they may just need time to express fully what they are feeling, and be listened to. They may not be able to reason until the tidal-wave of feelings has subsided.

Being stuck in the middle between two people you have very strong feelings for is horrible. If I'm ever the person not stuck in the middle again, I hope I will be able to accomodate and understand that better than I have done in the past.

Any thoughts? Feel free to kick hell out of decisions I made all that time ago, or tell me what I did right. It's ancient history now, and you can't hurt my feelings by commenting bluntly.
Previous post Next post
Up
[]