Past Mistakes
I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm
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I think the main aspect that comes across to me is one of guilt, though it all sounds like it was open it 'feels' (best word to describe) as though there is a huge chunk of unspoken emotion and hurt on your part. And I don't mean guilt in the sense of you are guilty but personal guilt you are weighing on yourself, like a weight you have tied around your shoulders.
Though it may well appear to be like a person A, person B, person C account it reeks like an open wound. I don't understand polyamory or monogamy because they aren't things I would truly say I have experienced. So the tumultous emotions and physcial connections are not parallel to my own, I only know unbelievable desire and the strenght of such love.
I do however believe that K was right to be so angry (at the 4week silence), withdrawing from a connection is not an option in any relationship you hope to either further or envelope. Your partner should have specified boundaries she knew she could cope with, or perhaps it was that she believed you would stay within unspoken confines. Though I do not find her anger justified or her request to silence conversation with K, I can truly understand where it comes from, the heart is a delicate thing and though the saying goes "If you love someone let them go..." letting them go lays your trust & heart on the line, it can be as destructive as it can be constructive.
On your part if you knew, gut-feeling or not that the boundaries weren't the ones she would have specified if she was there with you, I do not understand why you crossed that personal barrier of your own making. Yes I know how hard it can be to say no when it's all you want but no you should've said.
It's like if I had this cake and told you, you could eat it if you wanted and then went out. The cake smells so good so you cut a silce, then another and another and it gets to the point where you've eaten most of the cake and you think to yourself, I know she'd want me to save her some cake, your gut says it but you go ahead and eat it all anyway. I come home and yeah, I'm disappointed. I could have told you to save me a little piece and I didn't so why am I bothered? But it's not directly at you but at the unspoken connection between us, that had I thought you'd know to save me a little bit. Now that's just my way of seeing it, multiply it by love, passion, complications, distance and the time you spent and you're still not even close to the emotions that you describe above.
If the shoe was on the other foot and I was the one left with the cake, would I eat it all? My instincts say no because I've not been tempted thus far and because I have been the cake maker with the sad smile.
But as you say it's ancient history... still it effected you enough to bring it up at BiCon. Anywho.. I've babbled on enough.
Dream Deep.
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I do however believe that K was right to be so angry (at the 4week silence), withdrawing from a connection is not an option in any relationship you hope to either further or envelope.
I did just want to say that this is one of the bits I changed somewhat, because what really happened was widely discussed amoung mutual friends etc, and I'm trying to protect people's identities. The core feelings are the same though..
I asked her if we could have distance, of a particular sort, to give me space to work though things. She got angry with me for asking. We were unable to discuss alternatives because feelings were already too raw.
I did handle that badly, and I do accept that it was an unacceptable thing to expect of her. But I didn't expect it to be granted, only to be able to ask.. For various reasons, it didn't feel wrong to ask at the time, although I did expect her to say "I can't do X... can we try and find something else that will work?"
But whatever, and however, I asked, I now know I upset her so much she was unable to think clearly and discuss the situation with me. It's something I've regretted ever since.
On the other hand, if a new partner was ever to ask me for that sort of space.. I'd give it to them gladly. Because although it would be hard to do, I also know how much it can mean to someone to have the space to work through the issues without the outside pressure.
But of course, there is a world of difference between offering that, and being asked for it.
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It does sound like it was a difficult situation. :/
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But to be fair to her, I'm still not presenting a clear picture here. My point was to illustrate my own mistakes, not anyone elses. Please don't judge anyone else by my words here, because things were even more complex than I described.
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And yes, it was wrong of me to ignore my own instincts.. If I know something is wrong, and I do it anyway, then no matter what is agreed, it's wrong. Not knowing and sticking by what is agreed is one thing; knowing it's wrong and doing it anyway is another.
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