Past Mistakes
I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm
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In my case it was a situation where I was the one who had the gut instinct not to...and I managed to stick by that. But aparently even the teasing that happened was too much for his partner when all was said and done. When he told me he needed space I was hurt, but I thought I understood. I tried to abide by it, but in my head I couldn't help playing through the different scenarios that could have happened as well as what did happen. I tried to contact him before the agreed upon time simply to ease my worries, to ask the questions that were driving me crazy. I figured a simple email to ask my questions wouldn't be bad and he could answer just as simply and leave it at that.
Things exploded. I never did get my answers, and even though I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong since I didn't go past where my instincts said to go, I still felt guilty. It took me a long time to work it out in my head that he most likely was feeling guilty for what did happen and for what he wanted to happen, despite what his partner said we could do and what we didn't do. I don't think he could handle that guilt (and I'm sure his partner was pushing him to agree it was all my fault as well) so it was easier to blame me and not talk to me again.
I'm very glad that I stuck by what my gut said, and I really feel bad for him that he didn't know how to deal with what happened as well as what didn't. I still wonder from time to time if things could have been different, but in the end I know I didn't do anything wrong...and even if we had taken things further, I still wouldn't have done anything wrong. It was not my fault the other parties involved couldn't handle what they thought they could, and it isn't my fault that the emotional and physical bond I had with him threatened those around us. His partner could have said no, she didn't want us to meet at any time before we did.
In the end the only thing you can do is be true to yourself. As long as you feel comfortable with what you have or have not done. You can't change unexpected reactions, and if some one overreacts to what happened when they agreed to it, perhaps it's time to sit down and really re-evaluate the trust in the relationship.
I agree that perhaps you should have spent some time working on your relationship with your partner, but I think it was a bit much for her to ask you to not speak to your friend. I'm sure that your friend was in just as vulnerable a state as your partner and to ask for a 4 week break after sharing something so intense probably came across as cruel and unfeeling...perhaps made her feel quite used...part of a cruel game.
I'm glad that you have managed to work things out with your friend and still communicate with her, but I have to wonder...when you speak with her, do you ever feel like something is missing or lost? That's been my worry about tracking down my friend, I don't want to open up the old wounds if it is going to make things awkward or feel like something is missing.
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I'm afraid, yes, I do. Something died back then, even if it was just a possibility, and we both feel it, I think. I'm glad we're in touch, but we're both so different now. She's not the person I used to know, I'm not the person she used to know.
We stay in touch because we still care deeply for each other, but the magic died back then when we couldn't find a way to communicate.
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