Past Mistakes

[teine]

I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm

Comments

Re: ~~#~~

[teine]

I really appreciate your response - you gave me the direct honesty I wanted from my friends.. and I'm still processing this, and the other responses.

I do however believe that K was right to be so angry (at the 4week silence), withdrawing from a connection is not an option in any relationship you hope to either further or envelope.

I did just want to say that this is one of the bits I changed somewhat, because what really happened was widely discussed amoung mutual friends etc, and I'm trying to protect people's identities. The core feelings are the same though..

I asked her if we could have distance, of a particular sort, to give me space to work though things. She got angry with me for asking. We were unable to discuss alternatives because feelings were already too raw.

I did handle that badly, and I do accept that it was an unacceptable thing to expect of her. But I didn't expect it to be granted, only to be able to ask.. For various reasons, it didn't feel wrong to ask at the time, although I did expect her to say "I can't do X... can we try and find something else that will work?"
But whatever, and however, I asked, I now know I upset her so much she was unable to think clearly and discuss the situation with me. It's something I've regretted ever since.

On the other hand, if a new partner was ever to ask me for that sort of space.. I'd give it to them gladly. Because although it would be hard to do, I also know how much it can mean to someone to have the space to work through the issues without the outside pressure.

But of course, there is a world of difference between offering that, and being asked for it.

Re: ~~#~~

[lilpandoraa]

I have to say that if I think K maybe over reacted at that point. If you care about someone in a poly situation you also care that their primary relationship doesn't suffer. I think space or compromise and further discussion about needed space should have happened. Sometimes you need that breather to think things through rationally and logically.

It does sound like it was a difficult situation. :/

Re: ~~#~~

[teine]

It was difficult, and at that point in my life, K was the one with all the poly experience, who I counted on somewhat to help me untangle complexities.

But to be fair to her, I'm still not presenting a clear picture here. My point was to illustrate my own mistakes, not anyone elses. Please don't judge anyone else by my words here, because things were even more complex than I described.

Re: ~~#~~

[lilpandoraa]

I'm not meaning to be judgemental of other people. Just sorta examining how you reacted/ acted within the context of the other people and their actions/reactions. Does that make sense?