Past Mistakes

[teine]

I've spent a lot of time since BiCon thinking about polyamory - in my past as well as my future. In my past, it hasn't always been very positive for all involved; I've made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, and have had to learn from that. I think I've been successful in that - in as much as I haven't generally made the same mistake twice, but I'm

Comments

[f_l_i_r_t]

In all seriousness, I have rarely met anyone who can truly commit to a polyamourous relationship. In my mind there are few issues here, one, I do not believe that human beings are naturally monogamous creatures, so I feel it is inherent to want to experience others throughout our lives pathway. Another is that most people are lacking in self-confidence in one area of who they are, if not many, this lack of confidence makes them more suseptible to jealousy. Also, in most relationships, there is usually one person more dominant then the other, so they usually will speak up talk about their needs whilst the more submissive one either remains quiet, or tried to please the dominant partner by agreeing things they aren't entirely comfortable with.

I agree with those that spoke up in the ethical sluts seminar. If someone tells you to your face after numerous times, then you should take it at face value. It is dangerous territory to start trying to second guess someones motives and true feelings. If the relationship is open and honest and the person still cannot be honest, or has not been honest with themselves, how is anyone to know? You guy spoke to you, it is up to you whether you follow it for yourself or not... what do I mean? Basically, if you are feeling alarm bells or worries pop into your head, then they are issues that YOU have, so decide based on your own needs but don't do it on what 'ifs' of your partner. What 'ifs' will only cause resentment in the long run. If you don't do something because you think your partner didn't mean what they said when they did, will you then be resentful for not doing it and hold anger toward them?

Ultimatly the first, primary person in your life is just that, the first and most important and the one you need to be on steady ground with, it is rare, maybe even difficult to find a match, but definitly possible. Two very honest, open and loving people who secure with themselves first and foremost, yeah?

Your situation had so many people involved, and a lot of people that didn't really know their own minds, you cannot try and make assumptions for all of them. Sounds to me you did the best you could. K was just hurt, her feelings for you were probably greater then she ever imagined they could be and I would if I were her, sense it and feel uneasy. Especially if one of my partners was upset about it, and then the person, you, I was with all of sudden pulled back, did not give me support, I would be hurt, and angry, understandable I think.

Polyamoury, when it works must be quite magical. I just get tired of those who use it as an excuse to cheat on their partners, without feeling as though they are cheating. I don't mean you by this, just thoughts that go through my head.

[teine]

Again, thank you for the blunt honesty. Just what I wanted!
I've got more to think through here too, but just wanted to answer this one point.

I agree with those that spoke up in the ethical sluts seminar. If someone tells you to your face after numerous times, then you should take it at face value.

As I said in the seminar - this isn't something I would expect everyone to want as a moral or ethical standard, but to me.. if my gut is telling me something is wrong, and I consciously choose to ignore that, I accept the consequences of that choice.

Every time since I've trusted that feeling, I've been glad, and every time since I've ignored that feeling, I've regretted it.

Yes, I can claim the moral high ground and say "I did what we agreed, I did only what you said was OK", but we're talking about real, fuzzy, warm people here. People don't always know what they want, and if my gut tells me to be more conservative than the exchange of words has, I'll go with that.

Since I don't do casual one-time encounters.. there's usually another chance, after there has been an opportunity to check out my gut feeling.

[f_l_i_r_t]

I think it is fantastic that you are self-controlled and strong willed enough to be able to listen to your inner voice and not do as much as you are 'given' th ok to, if your inner voice tells you it isn't ok.

I guess the aim of a compatible, good relationship is both of you having this inner voice. But, saying this, I would hope, if you did go through with an approved activity, didn't get any of those niggling doubts, went ahead with it and your partner got upset, that your partner would understand it was their issue, work through it with you rather then getting upset. see what I mean?

I just think most of the human race, probably including myself, are selfish and would just go for the temptation, especially when given a green light, even when hearing inner doubts, as I said you are an amazing person to be able to do this.

[teine]

I think it is fantastic that you are self-controlled and strong willed enough to be able to listen to your inner voice and not do as much as you are 'given' th ok to, if your inner voice tells you it isn't ok.

Thank you.. but if I managed to always do that, I'd have made a lot less mistakes than I have.. I aspire to listen to that inner voice, but sometimes I go deaf to it.