Dear Diary, part twenty
July 2nd
Whew! I've finally got my own place! It seemed to take forever to me, but it's only been a few weeks. Jeannie said that's a lot sooner than normal, but my being pregnant helped to hurry my application along. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.
But I've now moved in, and I have my own place. They know I have some money (but not how much), and that I'm pretty independent. I can cook and clean and take care of myself, and I need space for the baby when it comes. So I don't have to share an apartment with anyone, or even a house. They helped me find a house, and part of the rent is paid for by them or the city, so it's cheaper for me. It's pretty small, with just one bedroom, but it's bigger than the trailer that the drunk had.
It was mostly furnished, and they helped me get a few other things, and I bought a few things after everyone left. There aren't too many people around here, but I like that. I don't know if the drunk will find me or not, but I guess it's good that he can't hide in someone else's yard.
I don't really go out that much, I feel safer staying at home. I get my groceries delivered, and Jeannie comes to see me and check up on me.
She's been really great to me, I'm so lucky that she found me and rescued me. And she says that I should be able to get back into school soon. She's helped me enrol online into a bridging course, which will help me catch up on stuff I missed, and test me to see what level I'm up to, so I know what grade I can go into. I've still got lots to catch up on, but Mrs Goodie really helped me a lot with the stuff she taught me. I'm lucky she lived next to us.
There's a forum for other students to chat on and get help with the homework, and I don't talk to the others there that much, but I like to read what they have to say. It makes me feel like I'm part of the conversation, even if I don't say much. I'm getting to know a few of them, but other people scare me a little at the moment. Most of them are a lot older than me, they're adults who dropped out of school and want to finish studying. It's a bit weird at times, but there aren't really any other options for me.
And I keep throwing up. UGH. Morning sickness that lasts all day is horrible. I am so scared about having a baby. I don't want to go through it all alone, but I don't know if I can go find mama now. What if she gets mad that I was stupid and got knocked up? I don't know if I'll make a good mother.
I've been reading the parenting books that Jeannie gave me, but it's so scary! There is just so much to know. How can a kid like me do it??
It doesn't help that I know other people think that too. That Bella woman came over yesterday, and started lecturing me, telling me that I had to give my baby up for adoption. She'd had her baby and given it away and said it was the best decision she'd ever made. She said that I was too young to know what I was doing, and that even she was too young.
That made me feel so horrible and angry. I'm not saying I won't consider adoption, I'm still in shock that I'm pregnant! And she was so out of line talking to me like that. I don't need strangers to lecture me. What business is it of hers??
I don't know what I'm going to do, or where I'm going to go, but right now, I'm glad I have my own place. I want to be happy again.
Landy.
July 18th
Jeannie told me something scary last night, and I can't stop thinking about it.
She told me about an incident that had happened in "that" park a few weeks ago, but she only heard about it recently, and that she was glad she got me out of there.
One of the girls had a client, and he didn't want a full service, which is fine by them, I guess, and not that uncommon. Apparently a lot of men think they're not cheating if it's just a blow job. But, whatever.
He tried to charm her into letting him not pay for it. He apparently said she should be so lucky to be able to do it to him, and that he just wanted information about where his daughter was.
She told him to fuck off, that he better pay her, and that even if she knew what he was on about she wouldn't tell him, because he was just some loser who couldn't get laid without paying for it.
Well, he then hit her, she hit him, and he then beat her up pretty bad, before running off.
The way Jeannie told me about it makes me think that she thinks it's the drunk. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if it was.
I hope it wasn't...but it's the sort of thing he'd do.
And that scares me.
Landy
July 29th
I love the internet. I ordered myself a violin. I spent a lot of time playing it in the refuge, and I decided that I needed to have something that I loved, a hobby. Something that's just mine. I know that sounds silly, because I live by myself. But it's...it's like I'm having a conversation. When I play, and make music, it's like I'm talking to a friend.
And I feel closer to mama. I remember listening to her play.
I also need to keep busy, and off the computer. I can't spend all day on there, even if I am doing homework and studying most of the time. I bought an exercise bike, and I'm making sure I'm spending time on it every day. The baby books said being fit really makes giving birth and parenting easier, and I want everything to be as easy as possible.
I found some good fitness tips online, and came up with an exercise dance routine I can do, too. It gives me something else to do, and keeping my mind on the routine helps keep my mind off my morning sickness.
I'm also teaching myself how to cook fancier meals, Jeannie dropped around a pile of books the other day, so I'm working my way through them. It's kind of fun to make a whole meal from scratch, even though I'm the only one who eats them.
L.
August 12th
I'm so lonely. I'm starting to look forward to school start, if only so I can see people. I know I could go out to the movies or shopping, but I don't feel safe in those places. If I go to school, the bus will pick me up and drop me off. I could walk there, but I'd rather get the bus.
Jeannie's the only one who visits me, and the people I talk to online just aren't the same thing. I miss being around people. It feels like forever since I had someone to hang around with.
I've tried talking to some of them on the phone,
but they're either really boring or weird. I think I've forgotten how to make friends.
Jeannie also brought over a cot for the baby, which is very sweet of her. I'm not due for ages, but I suppose I have to start getting ready soon.
I still find it hard to believe I'm having a baby. It just doesn't feel real yet.
I'm sure that once my belly grows more, and I can feel the baby move, it will, but right now? It feels like I'm just playing pretend.
Landy.
July 17th
Dear Diary,
I haven't written about it before, but I had been worried about Xander and Wanda. Because they were born early, I knew they'd be a little delayed with some of their development. The care - and I use that term loosely - that they received while with Alfred and Nina did nothing to help, either, I'm sure. But their doctor said they would catch up in their own time, and I'm glad to say that they have.
Seeing them like this is so bitter-sweet. I'm so happy to see them developing and growing so strong and healthy...but every time I look at them, I see Yolanda's face. they look so much like her, it's heartbreaking.
And unfortunately, that means I also see Alfred's face, as they all look like him. Sometimes I have trouble seeing myself in their faces at all.
But they're great kids, who adore their siblings, and even if they have a mile wide cheeky streak, I love them to pieces. I'm so glad that I have them back.
Once Yolanda comes home, I'll feel whole again.
Being with Stephan certainly helps. Tamara has been helping out when she can, looking after the kids so that Stephan and I can go on actual dates. DATES. I've never been on a proper date before I met Stephan! Sure, Damon and I went out together, but that was after we were married.
I love being able to spend so much time with him, just the two of us. It's such a luxury. He's so sweet and romantic, always complimenting me, and telling me he's so lucky to have met someone like me.
He took me to his favourite park for the afternoon the other day, and he convinced me to throw a football around with him. Never in a million years would I have thought something like that could be fun! But it was! He laughed when I missed or dropped it, but he laughed even harder when he did.
I was getting pretty good, too! Well, for me, I guess!
I find myself thinking about him all the time. He's so handsome, intelligent, witty and caring.
I think I could really fall for him, but I've been burnt so badly, that I'm cautious. He knows where I live, but I'm not ready to introduce him to my kids yet. I need to be sure.
I haven't told him much about Damon and Alfred, though he knows I've been married twice and have children. I haven't even told him how many I've got, because then I'd have to explain why Yolanda isn't with us, and that just hurts so much to think about.
I'm going to take this slow, I can't risk getting hurt again. I need to be sure. I want to sleep with him, his kisses are amazing, and his hands like to roam when we fool around, which also feels great, but he's very respectful of my wishes and hasn't once pushed me or tried to pressure me to go further than what I want.
He makes me dizzy with desire, and I am so tempted to just jump into bed with him.
But I need to be sure.
Z.
July 29th
Dear Diary,
Stephan took me out to the movies today. I can't think when the last time I went to the movies was! I have been before, haven't I? These days, everything just blurs together. If I didn't have you to write in, I'd probably forget my children's names!
I get butterflies in my stomach when I'm with him, and a tingling in my pants. I love it.
We had some time to wait before the movie started, so we sat at a table with our snacks, and just talked and held hands.
I've been slowly opening up to him more about my relationships, and he knows that I have quite a few children. I still can't bear to tell him how many, but he's understanding. He only moved to town last year, otherwise he'd know about Alfred and Yolanda.
But he knows that Damon cheated on me with my now former best friend, and that they're together. He said he thought it was despicable how Damon acted, and that he's never cheated on anyone before, and has no intention of doing that. He was engaged once before, but they broke it off when they realised they'd fallen out of love with each other. They had busy schedules and took each other for granted, he said, and that he promised himself he'd never do that again.
We went to a midday session, timed to coincide with nap time, which meant the cinema wasn't crowded.
I loved it. Every time I get uncertain or nervous, he reassures me that it's ok, but without making me feel like I'm being needy or clingy or that's he's just saying it to placate me. He knows I have trust issues, and I know he's doing what he can to prove that he is trustworthy, by being trustworthy.
I really think I can fall in love with him.
Zady.
August 6th
Dear Diary,
I no longer have any babies in the house! Well, not baby babies, but they're all my babies, if that makes sense. But my girls, they remind me so much of Damon. Why can't I see any of myself in any of my babies?
Unity has mercurial mood changes, not unlike her father.
While Tilly looks so much like him it's heartbreaking. I don't like being reminded of Damon and Alfred so much when I look at my children, but I love my children with all my heart, and it's not their fault their fathers are dirtbags. I can't hold it against them!
I took the big step of inviting Stephan over to meet my children. I feel really positive about this relationship, he's told me that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, and that from the moment he met me he hasn't even looked at another woman. And I really believe him. I do.
But I had to warn him about how many kids I had. I told him that Yolanda was living with her father, but I didn't go into details before he came over.
He loves children, and wants his own desperately - and that was something that scared me. But he was injured in a car accident when he was younger, and as a result, he's unable to father his own children. I can't imagine how that would be, to want to have your own so much, but to be unable to. I admit to feeling relief, though, knowing that I don't have to make the choice about whether to have more or not.
He was great with my kids, though Vincent made it hard for him, but that's Vincent, he likes to test people.
He wasn't very fond of Blossom at first, but now he adores her.
Speaking of Blossom, she's now crazy into sewing. I bought her a sewing machine for her birthday, which she went nuts over, bouncing up and down with glee.
She complains about the patterns and the fabric, and pretty much all of it, but she loves making her own clothes again. Since she left home for university, she hasn't been able to. I am so grateful to her for all she's done for me, it was the least I could do.
But back to Stephan. Once the younger kids were down for a nap, we went into the backyard for some privacy. I wanted to really open up to him, in a place that I felt safe. I wanted to tell him about Alfred, and his abuse, and his cheating, and how he stole my children.
I was incredibly nervous, so we walked around the yard for a bit as I worked up to it, and then it all came spilling out.
He was so horrified and upset by what Alfred had done, he had tears in his eyes.
I was so nervous about sharing it, really talking about it, and about how he might react.
He pulled me onto his lap and held me tight, promising me that he would never disrespect me like that, that real men don't behave like that.
And that he loves me.
I told him that I love him too. I got such a giddy, girly rush from saying it, from hearing it.
Dear diary, darling diary, I am in love. And he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. I'm still not emotionally ready to sleep him him, but I don't need to do that to know that I'm in love.
And love is grand!
Zady.
August 20th
Dear Diary,
Life just throws some weird balls at me, doesn't it?
Last night, Stephan took me out to dinner, and he asked that I wear the dress that I was wearing the night we met.
He looked so handsome all dolled up.
We had some champagne between dinner and dessert, and he told me how much he loved me, how much joy and pleasure I'd brought into his life.
After our dessert arrived, he said that he had never known a love like this,
and that he wanted to get old and stupid with me. He wanted us to be sitting on our front porch while our grandkids puked on our shoes.
And then he proposed!
I had thought something was going on, but I hadn't been expecting that!
The ring was gorgeous, it really was.
I could see that he was incredibly nervous, waiting for my answer.
But I'm not ready.
I put it on, just to see, but I couldn't accept it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I love him, I truly do, and I do want to be with him forever, but...I couldn't say yes. Not yet, anyway.
I felt so awkward, so I put the ring back in the box, and slid it across the table to him. I told him that I loved him and wanted to have him in my life always, but I wasn't ready for that sort of commitment yet.
He buried his head in his arms, and dessert, as it turned out, and said something about being embarrassed, and that he'd stay there like that until I left the table, if I wanted to go.
I told him not to be silly, I wasn't going anywhere. I loved him, I just wasn't ready to be engaged again. Even if it was a long engagement, I just didn't feel ready that.
He looked so sheepish, and hurt, and I felt bad for hurting his feelings, but I had to be honest with him, because honesty is very important to me. I told him that I wasn't rejecting him, and that he shouldn't get rid of that ring. That I would be ready one day...but that wasn't today. That one day being his wife would be an honour, but it wasn't today. Today, I wanted to just enjoy being in love with a wonderful man. And it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I said yes just to make him happy.
When they cleared away our plates, I asked him to dance. I held him close, and told him that I may not be ready to get married, but I might be ready for other things.
I had already decided that I was ready to move forward with our relationship, but in steps, not leaps and bounds. I was going to tell him on the way home, but it seemed better to tell him then. Though I didn't want him to think I was saying that just to make up for not getting engaged.
He said he understood, and that it made him love me even more.
So I suggested we stop by his favourite park on the way home, because it's a place that has a lot of meaning to him, and it's where I really started to fall for him. Also, it's quite private, and I wanted to make our first time something to remember.
He got down on his knees, and promised to always be faithful to me, to love and respect me, and to treat me like a princess, and that he didn't need a ring to make those vows to me.
So I pulled him to the ground, and we lay there, cuddling and kissing, talking about the future. All the while, hands were roaming, and clothes were slowly coming off.
He has very nimble fingers, let me tell you that.
I love him so much.
And I know he loves me.
And then soon enough, we were naked, and cuddling on the bench,
and OH. MY. I was so impressed, and a little surprised, I've got to say.
He is an amazing - and well endowed - lover.
I can't wait to find out what he's like on a more comfortable surface! It was seriously the best sex I have ever had.
And I swear, the stars looked a little brighter afterwards.
He's coming over tonight...you can bet that I can't wipe this silly grin off my face!
Z.
Notes:
- This was one of the times Bella Goth turned up in the welcome wagon. She also brought along Ben Long and Lucy Burb, but they didn't get to make it into the show. Bella and Landy do NOT get along, and Bella likes to pick on our Landy.
- I discovered that to get a teen to fight with an adult, teen has to be pregnant, so Lauren (the hooker) got knocked up by Alfred so he could beat her up. Since they didn't actually have the sort of sex that would result in a pregnancy, she doesn't get to keep it. I don't think she would have,anyway.
- Zady makes beautiful children. The fact they all bear strong resemblances to their fathers is irrelevant!
- Stephan is a HOTTIE. And they are hot for each other. While trying to shoot the proposal scene, they kept trying to run off and have sex, but since the room they were in didn't have a door, they weren't able to. But once they got to the park, they kept making for the bench. It wasn't where I planned their first time to be, but the really, really insisted.
- I had to do that proposal scene four times to get the rejection! I kept lowering her LTR/STR scores, because I didn't know where the rejection level was, I should probably look that up. But once I had her scores for him in the 60s (his were 100/100 for her), she finally rejected his proposal. I love the faces she made during that.
- And yes, it's true, he can't have children. Because I won't let him! Or her! She is not going to have any more babies. She's on birth control and will be until she's too old to need it. Six is enough!
- I updated my drivers after I finished doing a lot of the pictures that will be in the next update, though I really regressed my drivers, I guess. I read a comment made by quinctia in a post in thesims2 about how she has to have an older driver for her video card, so I thought I'd try it. I also tweaked the smooth edges function a little, and wow, it made so much difference. So far so good, and I hope it sticks! I do plan on buying a new system ASAP, but if this tweak has fixed it, I'll be happy. And it makes sense, because I'm pretty sure I updated my drivers sometime last year, though I don't remember when, but I'll bet Zady's kids it was about the time my graphics started going funny. And genius me didn't put the two together.
- movie theatre props are by raonjenna, posters are by skittlebox ( here) and simgaroop ( here).
- I do have the rest of the story mapped out, with an ending in sight. I'm thinking there'll be somewhere between five and ten parts left to this story, depending on how it all pans out. But you have been warned!
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][ part five]
[ part six][ part seven][ part eight][ part nine][ part ten]
[ part eleven][ part twelve] [ part thirteen] [ part fourteen] [ part fifteen]
[ part sixteen] [ part seventeen] [ part eighteen] [ part nineteen]
[ family tree]