Dear Diary, part fourteen
March 1st
Dear Diary,
It's been almost a month since my babies were stolen from me.
How can time keep moving on like this? How can they just have disappeared?
I haven't been coping well at all. I'm slowly getting my head together, but...I don't want to.
When I'm having my "episodes", as Damon calls them, I feel...free. Free from the worry, free from the pain.
I can hide from reality in them. I don't know exactly what I do during them, Damon won't tell me. But I feel safe.
I know that that safety isn't real, I know that I can't stay like that forever. I have Vincent here, I need to be here for him. So I've been seeing my therapist more, and he's been helping me learn some coping mechanisms. I have to face reality. My bastard ex-husband stole my children to hurt me.
I know I will get my children back. I won't let Alfred win
My therapist says spending time with my flowers, creating something beautiful, will help me more.
That it will help me feel in control of myself, my situation. That if I start with this one small piece of my life, I can expand that feeling of control out, until I feel like myself again. I said that I won't feel like myself until I have my children back and Alfred and Nina are taken care of, but he said that I can't wait until then to focus on myself.
I know he's right. But that doesn't make it easier to accept.
Z
May 17th
Dear Diary,
I just haven't felt like writing since my last entry. I just go through my days, trying not to think about the children too much, trying not to wonder about what they're doing, how he's treating them, what he's told them. The police still haven't found them, and I do not understand why.
But I'm coping better, I think.
Damon is just as loving as ever. I know it's been hard on him too, but I think we're doing ok. With everything I'm going through, I couldn't cope with losing him as well.
Especially now. I don't know how I didn't realise for so long, but somehow, I'm pregnant again. I guess I put everything I was feeling down to stress. Damon is thrilled that we're having another baby. I think he hopes that this child will fill that hole in my heart just a little.
I don't know if it will do that, but having another little one to care for will give me more focus.
I guess I feel more awake lately, like I'm coming out of a long, troubled sleep. Damon has been paying me more attention, and has been more loving, both in and out of the bedroom.
That has helped a lot, it really has.
But some days...I go into Yolanda's room, and I just lose it. I give myself this time to cry it out.
My therapist suggested that I let myself cry, but only for a set time, no longer than 15 minutes a day. In that time, I cry heart out, and then I make myself stop.
I hated it at first. But then...
I realised that it really did help me feel better. I'm not so overwhelmed by my grief. I'm in control of it. I'm still allowed to feel sad and angry and upset, but it's not controlling me.
Sometimes Damon joins me. He doesn't cry enough, but when we cry together like this, I feel so close to him. Having him hold me as we cry, I know I'm not alone.
Having him there with me helps so much.
I know he doesn't always know what to say, especially when he's said everything before.
But I just like having him there with me, supporting me, loving me.
My therapist said that I should write in you more, my dear diary, so I will make an effort to do just that.
love always,
Zady.
May 22nd
Dear Diary,
I had a surprise visit from Kaylynn yesterday, and it was a surprise in more than one way.
I haven't spent too much time with my friends lately, though they do keep inviting me over and calling. I just don't feel like socialising.
But Kaylynn finally had enough of my excuses, and came over to visit me.
Well! Not only were we wearing the exact same dress, but she was pregnant too! I hadn't told anyone but Damon about this pregnancy, it's too hard to share that. Kaylynn hadn't been sure how to bring it up with me, knowing what I was going through.
She and Darren are thrilled, they didn't think they could have any more children. Dilbert's a teen now, and they'd been trying for years. We're due about the same time, which I think is sweet.
Kaylynn told me that Dirk, Darren's first son, would've been old enough to have children of his own by now, if he and Darren's first wife hadn't died in a car accident, all those years ago, when Kaylynn was still Darren's maid.
She made it a point to mention that I still have hope of seeing my children again, if not getting them back. Darren will never see Dirk again, and he lives with that every day. That it is possible to live with grief.
I know she's right, and I know we all cope differently. I think, I hope I'm over the worst of it.
I think Damon is doing well, too, though he is working a lot. His boss has been very understanding, but won't let Damon slack off at work. If he's there, he has to do it. I think Damon likes the distraction.
I'm so lucky to have him and Kaylynn in my life.
Z
May 30th
Dear Diary,
I'm so upset right now, I'm shaking. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.
Kaylynn came over again today, she says we have to make the effort to spend more time together.
While she was here, I had to go to the toilet, and while I was in there, the phone rang.
So she answered it, which is something I would've done for her.
She said the person on the other end had muffled their voice, and didn't say who they were, but they said they knew where the children were.
She asked who it was, and where they were, but all that they said was "they're closer than you think, the bitch's sister knows" before hanging up.
I don't know who they were or what they were getting at. We reported it to the police, but they couldn't do much. The call came from a phone booth Downtown, so we won't know who made it. But they will step up their investigation, focusing on Dina Goth. Who else would the "bitch's sister" be?
I am so scared. I feel like someone dangled my children in front of me, then pulled them away again.
Z.
June 4th
Dear Diary,
The police have questioned Dina and Mortimer, but haven't come up with any more leads. They're trying to get the court's permission to tap their phones, but the evidence on them is flimsy at best.
I've spent a lot of time sleeping lately, especially in Yolanda's room.
I know I'm leaving the bulk of Vincent's care to the nanny and Damon, but I don't think Damon minds all that much.
I don't want to have a relapse, but that phone call shook me to my core.
Kaylynn came over when I was napping today, and Damon said he tried to wake me, but apparently I just mumbled something and stayed asleep.
He said Kaylynn stayed for a short while, and they sat around chatting, but it looked like I'd be out of it for a while, so she decided to head home.
Damon said she was just worried about me, and that they're looking out for me.
He did tell me that he's been planning a surprise get away for us, but he won't tell me where it is! I'm really looking forward to some time away.
Z.
June 7th
Dear Diary,
Yesterday we were meant to fly out to Three Lakes, where Damon's company owns a holiday house.
I'd never been to the beach, and he knows that I've always wanted to.
But at the last minute, his work had some major crisis at the studio, and he had to get down there to help fix it up.
I was really looking forward to the three of us going away, but he insisted that I still go, and he would join me in a day or so.
He did suggest that I go by myself and leave Vincent here with the nanny, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't leave him for that long.
So Damon waited with us for the shuttle to come pick us up, and promised he would be there as soon as he could.
I wasn't sure about going with just Vincent, but he insisted. I suppose I do need a break still.
The flight was long and uncomfortable, but it was so worth it. The house is beautiful, and right on the edge largest lake.
Even though the sky turned overcast soon after we got here, I was glad to be here.
Damon's even lined up a nanny for me. I'm a bit hesitant to leave Vincent with a stranger, but the agency we use has a branch here, and they vouch for the one that Damon's hired for me.
I hope that I'm able to unwind while I'm here.
I hope Damon can get here soon, too. I miss him.
Z.
~*~*~*~
April 2 poo poo poo
I still don't like stupid Bluewater Village much, but Daddy says I have to be nice.
But I don't wanna be nice. Especially not to him. He makes me so cranky sometimes.
And Mama Nina doesn't want to spend time with me. She keeps shooing me away so she can talk on the phone. I think it's Aunty Dina but she always kicks me out of the room when she talks. RUDE. What if I wanted to talk to Aunty Dina?
She doesn't like the twins much, either. It's all Bethie Bethie Bethie. Bethie's just a baby. She only screams and sleeps and poos and spits up.
I miss my baby Vincent. He was cuter.
Mama Nina just looks at the twins funny. But they look at her funny too. I think they've forgotten Mama. They call Mama Nina Mama now. I don't like that.
I don't like the stupid new nanny they got either. She's as scary as my last nanny.
She's an alien, but no one believes me. No one believed me when I said the last one was a zombie. I don't know why no one believes me. I don't know why they keep getting scary nannies.
And this nanny doesn't like us, either. She and Mama Nina ignore us, even when the twins play outside.
I don't know what Mama Nina does exactly when she leaves us with the nanny. Daddy says she has a shop now, but she doesn't have to go in every day.
I don't know why Daddy works making burgers if Mama Nina has a shop. I don't understand them. Grown ups are weird.
They won't even let me go see the shop. I like going shopping! They don't bring me home presents, either. Poopoo heads.
Yolanda Panda
April 27th
Dear Diary Dingle Dangle
Daddy bought me a new violin! It's much better than my old one, which XanderChris broke when his baby bottom sat on it. That's what Mama Nina said happened, anyway.
She doesn't like me playing it, she says it gives her a headache. But Daddy says I have to keep playing if I wanna be good, and I do. And Mama loved to play hers, so I like playing it and Mama Nina can't stop me. Daddy will just buy me another one if she breaks it.
Mama Nina is weird. She's married to my daddy, but she still has boyfriends. She says it's ok, but that it's adult stuff and it's not my place to ask about it or talk about it and that I should not tell Daddy about it.
I don't think what she's doing is right, and I don't like keeping secrets from Daddy, but Mama Nina can be a bit scary sometimes.
Daddy isn't home too much anyway, so I don't get much of a chance to talk to him. And when I do, she is there.
I like spending time with Daddy, but she takes him up to their room for 'adult stuff' and makes me watch the babies. I'm too little to watch all of them!
But I've heard them make funny noises from the bathroom and their bedroom, and I don't want to know what they're doing.
Landy Pandy Poo.
May Twenty One Bum Bum
I got straight As on my report card! I wish I could show Mama, I know she'd be proud of me.
I was going to write her a letter, and see if the FeMailMan could mail it for me, but I don't remember our old address. I feel bad that I don't remember where Mama lives. I don't know if she's still there. Daddy said she didn't want me any more, but I don't think that's true. Mama loved me and the twins.
Maybe I should ask the FeMailMan about getting a letter back to where we used to live. She'd know.
Mama Nina doesn't care about my grades. She kicked me and the twins outside today, because she had her boyfriend over. She doesn't call him that, but I know what a boyfriend is. It's someone you kiss a lot and make those smoochy faces at and you're not married to them. My friend Tammy from school says that you can't have a boyfriend once you're married, but I don't know what else to call them.
Grown ups are WEIRD.
Andylay.
June 4
Dear Diary
Things are Not Good here. Daddy came home from work early and I was playing the piano. I was trying to make as much noise as I could.
Because Mama Nina was in the bathroom with her boyfriend and they were making all sorts of silly yucky noises.
And Daddy heard the noises too, and when he asked me what they were, I just said I wasn't supposed to tell. WELL, he went in there, and he found Mama Nina with her boyfriend, and I heard Daddy use ALL the naughty words. LOTS of times.
Then Daddy hit the naked man (and I could tell he was naked because they left the door open) again and again and then the naked man hit Daddy a lot. Mama Nina got dressed and tried to get me to go upstairs, but I didn't want to. I wanted to know what was happening!
So Mama Nina dragged me into the bathroom to make me watch. She also called me a stupid bitch and I'm not stupid. I'm not a bitch! She's the bitch.
I didn't want to see my Daddy fighting and getting hurt, but I wanted to know what was going on.
Daddy kicked the boyfriend out of the house, but he let him get dressed first. It was really, really scary.
And then Daddy and Nina started yelling at each other. Daddy called her a whore and a slut (and I'm not sure what they mean, but she got really mad at him) and said that she was disrespecting him and that he'd kick her out.
And then Mama Nina laughed at him. She LAUGHED. And she said something like there's no way he'd dare kick her out, not if he knows what's good for him and she asked if he wanted to go to jail.
That's when they saw I was there, and they made me go upstairs.
But after they tucked me into bed, they kept fighting out in the hallway!
I got really scared. I remembered when I was really little, when Daddy would come around and yell at Mama and hit her. I'd forgotten he used to do that.
They were both yelling so much, and Mama Nina was telling Daddy he was a loser and that he couldn't divorce her and she had him by his...boy bits. And he better do what she wanted.
I didn't know she could be so MEAN.
I didn't want to hear them, but they were right outside my door.
I thought if I went out to ask them what was happening, they might stop, but Daddy shoved Nina hard and told me to go to my room before I got a smack too.
I was so upset and scared and hurt. Daddy had never talked to me like that before.
I got so mad at him.
And then they yelled for some more, and I think Nina fell over, because I heard a thump, and she was crying. And then, I'm not sure what happened.
But it sounded like they were making those yucky noises they make in their bedroom, and what she did with the naked man. But she was crying this time.
I got too scared to go back out there, so I had to write it down. I want my Mama back.
June 5
Daddy took me on a holiday today! It's just me and him! He woke me up really early and told me to pack my bag, we were going to the beach! I had to sneak you in, because I didn't want Mama Nina to find you if I left you behind.
Mama Nina came out to say goodbye to us, though Daddy didn't talk to her. I think he's still mad. She told me she'd look after the twins while we were gone.
We're in a place called Three Lakes, and there's lots of stuff to do here. I am so excited! Daddy says we need a break from life for a little bit, and that he and Mama Nina need some time away from each other so that they can sort stuff out. I don't know how you sort it out if you're away, but like I say a lot, grown ups are weird.
There aren't many kids here yet, but Daddy says that's because we got here early. But the guy at the desk said that BIG FOOT is meant to be in the mountains. Oh that would be so cool if we get to see him! Not that Daddy will believe it.
But I get to have lots of time with Daddy and that makes me very very very happy.
Notes:
- Damon and Kaylynn did that by themselves! I know I'm not very nice to Zady, but those two started it, I just took the photos.
- Alfred wasn't really upset about Nina cheating on him, but that's what happens when two Romance sims get together! I poked him with a sharp stick and put bees in his pants until he got with the plot, though.
- I was a bit hesitant about ending the fight between Alfred and Nina that way, but I think that's something he'd do. Don't worry, he'll get his...eventually.
- The next chapter will be up in the next few days, I've got plenty of pictures for it, and yes, Zady and Yolanda's paths will cross, but you'll have to wait to find out how much.
- After the next update I'll probably do another outtakes post, though as a teaser, you can enjoy this one, which you may have already seen if you're a sim_spam member. So, yes, Yolanda will find Big Foot. That much I'll give away!
- Oh, and Nina's boyfriend was Steven Trouser, one of Connor's many children.
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][ part five]
[ part six][ part seven][ part eight][ part nine][ part ten]
[ part eleven][ part twelve]
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