Dear Diary, part twelve
December 22nd
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow we will get our family portraits done. I spent all day getting the yard set up for it.
I was really happy with the decorations I was able to get, especially being so close to Christmas.
Things between Damon and I have been a bit strained, but I brushed it off as being stress from planning Christmas. I do want this Christmas to be magical, but my emotions are all over the place.
We've been spending time with each other, but doing our own things. I've been able to vent a lot out with my exercise bike, which helps me keep somewhat calm.
I don't think the kids have picked up on it, though. The twins have been as happy as ever, babbling away to each other in a language that I don't understand.
I'm sure it's making sense to them!
I've found that by spending more time with the kids, I'm not as stressed. I guess because I can't worry about things too much when I need to pay attention to them.
And that's so easy to do, they're so wonderful and adorable, even if I do say so myself.
Though not all children are as wonderful. Yolanda had a friend from school visit, Olivia Trouser, and oh WOW she had a temper on her. I guess that home life isn't that good for her, because she had tantrum after tantrum, and they were all over nothing at all! I guess that's the only way she knows how to get attention.
Yolanda says that Olivia has six siblings, including her twin, and her quadruplet half-siblings! No wonder she acts out.
But after a talk from our nanny, Olivia seemed to calm right down.
I can't help but feel that Olivia was a bit scared of her, though I don't see what there is to be frightened of. She's just a nanny!
I made sure I paid extra attention to Yolanda after Olivia left. Things have been so crazy around here, it's easy for our one on one time to slip through the cracks.
I am not happy about that, and am doing my best to rectify that.
I love all of my children, but the younger ones are so much more demanding of my attention. I know that all too soon Yolanda will be a teenager (which is a scary thought!) and probably won't want to spend as much time with me.
That makes me feel a bit sad, but that won't be for some time. No point worrying about the future, when the present has enough troubles!
Z.
December 23rd
Dear Diary,
Tonight was portrait night! I was so excited about having it done. Damon got off work early for it, too, which was a good gesture.
We tried a few different poses, because with so many kids, it was hard to get them all looking in the right direction! But we got some magic happening, and quite quickly, too. Which was great, given that we weren't dressed for the weather!
Our photographer, Jodie Larson, was fantastic. Kaylynn recommended her, and boy, she was spot on.
She knew how to get the kids to look in the right way, she suggested different poses for us to try, and she was so friendly.
I also got some individual portraits done, at Jodie's suggestion.
The kids will only be this little for such a short time, so I might as well get proof of it!
Plus, they all looked so adorable, and I am so glad they enjoyed it. It was cold out there, but they didn't fuss at all!
Damon and I got our portrait done with Vincent, and Jodie suggested a very romantic pose for us. She said it looked lovely, and Damon enjoyed it.
But I felt a little uncomfortable with it.
But on the upside, I do like my new look, which I got done just for tonight. I feel so much more grown up. The four kids didn't do that - a new hair style did!
Zady the lady.
December 24th
Dear Diary,
The gossip mill is running fast in town today! I received a call from Officer Demi Love, the police officer who took my statement when Alfred beat me up, and who was in the room when I visited him in jail. She's kept in contact with me since then, to make sure I'm ok, which I think is sweet of her.
she wanted me to hear the story of what went on today first, partly because it was good gossip, and also because it might affect me.
Nina went to visit Alfred today, and was very obviously pregnant. From my calculations, she was either due or just overdue, but it's hard to know for sure.
She was very affectionate with him, and he lapped it right up. I suppose he's a bit starved for it in there.
But her condition was bound to come up, and he wasn't happy about it.
He accused her of cheating on him, that he'd heard the rumours, and now here she is, very pregnant, so it must be true.
She told him he didn't know what he was talking about, that she had not cheated on him - cheating has to be consensual.
She then told him - and I cannot believe that she even tried this! - that she had not been seeing anyone else, so she must have been abducted by aliens and impregnated by them.
SERIOUSLY?? Who would believe such garbage?? I mean, sure, there's also some wacko claiming aliens visit us, and abduct people for weird experiments, but who'd believe that??
Demi said that Nina swore up and down she had not been unfaithful, that yes, she had male friends, but she was faithful to Alfred. Aliens are the only excuse she can think of.
I'm sure Alfred knows the truth, but what's he going to do? He's stuck in jail, and she'll probably run off with all his money and possessions if he breaks up with her.
She apparently apologised for not telling him sooner, but she was "so ashamed" of what had happened, and didn't know if anyone would believe her.
And THEN the waterworks started! Oh, she has all the moves.
So he accepted her apologies and promised he wasn't going to break up with her. How crazy!
She apparently saw him just in time, because Kaylynn called me earlier tonight, saying that she'd heard Nina had gone into labour once she got home from seeing Alfred!
Maybe the stress of telling such huge whoppers freaked the baby out, and she had no choice but to get out!
Kaylynn's friends up at the hospital said that Nina had a girl, who she called Bethany, and left as soon as the doctors said she could. And Bethany does not look alien-like at all. Unless Don Lothario is an alien!
Nina is the least maternal person I've ever come across, so I'm sure it was a mistake for her to have left the hospital so soon.
I don't know if she's even held a baby before this!
I guess we all have to start somewhere.
Z.
December 25th
Dear Diary,
Last night, I baked some special Christmas cookies for Yolanda. She insisted we leave some out for Santa, because she knew he'd be hungry when he got here. She's so precious!
She was so excited about it being Christmas Eve, that I'm surprised I was able to get her to bed at all!
I let her stay up a bit later than normal, but I get her to bed finally. Once all the presents were out, I crashed. I was so exhausted!
I found out this morning that someone had sneaked out of bed, because she was far too excited to sleep. She has such a vivid imagination! She says she saw Santa!
I don't know whether to be worried or pleased about her imagination, so I'm choosing to be cautiously amused.
She did manage to go back to bed, but she woke me up right on 6am - the earliest I said it was ok for us to get up to open presents.
She was so eager to rip off the paper and dive inside the boxes to see what she'd been given. How could I not feel excited by her excitement?
Even the twins were thrilled with all the sparklies and new things to play with.
Damon liked the presents we got for him, and he did give me some lovely jewellery and perfume, but...I still felt a bit distant. I know I'm keeping myself at arm's length, but I feel I need to.
The best present he got for me, though, was a florist's station. He knows that I've been wanting to do more with my life. I don't need to work for money, so being able to learn a new skill that I could turn into a career later on is a great gift.
Especially once the kids are all in school. I'd much rather work for myself, doing something I enjoy.
All in all, it was a wonderful Christmas, and I'm very happy with it.
Now I just need to talk to Damon.
Z.
December 30th
Dear Diary,
As a belated Christmas present, we finally gave into Yolanda's pleading, and installed a ballet barre in the exercise/crafts room. She's been bugging me to get one for months. They do ballet at school,and since she's doing so well there, we thought we'd encourage that at home, as well. She'll spend hours at a time practising her moves! I think we might have a budding prima ballerina on our hands!
We got our portraits delivered today, and I put them up in the hallway downstairs. They look so amazing! I am so happy with them. I am going to be recommending Jodie Larson to anyone who asks. And maybe to some who don't!
Z
January 2nd
Dear Diary,
I got a huge shock today, with a visit from Nina. And surprisingly...that wasn't the biggest shock.
Damon was at work, so I had to talk to her alone. Even though it was freezing outside, I didn't want to invite her in.
She said that now we're family, and she is step mother to my children, she wants to get to know them, and for them to get to know her daughter. That Alfred won't be in jail forever (unfortunately), and he'll want to spend time with them. That she would be ok with visiting them here to start with, but ideally, to have them over on weekends when Alfred is out.
I was stunned. I really don't know if I should let her, let alone him, see them. He's never raised a hand to Yolanda, but what he did to me and to Damon? Does he deserve that?
I think maybe I'm too forgiving for my own good. I don't know if I should say no because I hate them, or say yes because my children deserve to know their father.
I told Nina I would discuss it with Damon, and I'd let her know, that it wasn't a decision I could jump into lightly. Letting them stay at his house, for a whole weekend?
I have a bad feeling about this, but I want to do what's right.
Z
January 4th
Dear Diary,
Last night, I had The Talk with Damon. Oh, what a roller coaster.
I started out by talking about Nina's proposal. He wasn't too keen on it, but said he would stand by my decision.
That he loves them like they were his own, but understands that Alfred is their father and as long as he behaves like a normal person, shouldn't be denied the chance to get to know them.
He pointed out that Alfred will be in jail for a few more years, and that by the time he gets out, the kids will be old enough to make their own decisions about him. So we let them visit him in jail once or twice, and let Nina come over with her "alien" baby. He thinks it can't do that much harm.
That made my eyes well up. After what Alfred did to him, because of me...for him to be so forgiving. Oh, it made what came next so much harder.
I had to take a deep breath, and really compose myself. I told him that I knew he'd been seeing Marissa Trouser, that I will not put up with him cheating on me. I told him that if he wanted to see other women, he could - but that he wouldn't be seeing me as well.
He tried to deny it first, telling me that Marissa was an old friend, that he saw her through their work.
I told him that I wasn't stupid, that I know it was more than that.
I told him I had suspected something had been going on for a while now, that he was a cheating bastard who doesn't respect me or his marriage.
I was so furious that he denied it. Tamara wouldn't lie to me, and certainly not about something like this! Plus, he'd been with her in public, there were plenty of other people that would've seen them!
He started yelling about how my lack of trust is like a slap in the face to him, that he's stuck by me through all that crap with Alfred, been put in hospital, had his life turned upside down, and now I question his behaviour? Now I'm calling him a liar?
I told him, yes, I was calling him a liar if he denied he had been having an affair with Marissa, if he denied that it had been going on for months.
I told him that if he didn't admit to it, then there was no hope for us. I said if he wanted to be with me and our children, then we can work through this, but if he was going to deny the truth...then there was no hope.
I was so mad at him for lying to my face like that!
And even madder when he tried to blame me for Alfred's actions!
THAT didn't work. I don't know when I got so strong, but I told him that it was HIS decision to be in a relationship with me, that he knew my history with Alfred, that he chose to stay with me after what happened at the wedding. But that was NOT my fault. Alfred abused me, I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it. I KNOW that now.
I told him I will not put up with being treated badly, by him or by Alfred, by any one. That I had given him the benefit of the doubt for months now, but his actions and street gossip all pointed back to the one thing - that he was cheating on me.
That I would kick his ass out if he couldn't respect me enough to admit to this.
I guess he could see that I really meant it (and boy, did I!), because he folded. He started apologising, telling me that yes, he had been seeing her, that he hadn't meant for any of it to happen, that it was a chance for the two of them to escape their lives for a bit.
He started crying, apologising over and over and over for hurting me. That he never meant to hurt me or disrespect me, that he didn't want us to break up.
It was so hard to know what to think. He finally admitted he'd been cheating...but that didn't make me feel good. It made me feel worse.
I didn't know if I should kick him out anyway, out of principal.
But I love him. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, and I know he loves me. Unlike with Alfred, I think we might be able to work through this.
Z.
January 10th
Dear Diary,
Things between Damon and me have been a bit strained. We've talked and talked and talked. About our relationship, about what had been going on, about what we wanted in life, in our relationship, with our children.
We're going to make it work. He knows he was acting like an idiot, and I can't help but put it down to the head injury. It makes me feel better to think it was something that was influenced by something he couldn't control. I don't know whether that's true or not, and I may be delusional and far too optimistic, but I have to cling to some hope.
So, we're making an effort to spend more time together as a family, but more importantly, to have more 'us' time.
And last night, that involved some naked time in the hot tub, even though there was still snow on the ground!
It felt so naughty, being naked outside, though I know that no one could see us. It also felt romantic, with just the lights from the hot tub.
I know we can make our relationship work, because at moments like those, I am so full of love for him, it's amazing.
As was what we got up to! I had never fooled around in the hot tub before, and now I know what I was missing!
And it wasn't just outside! We were both a bit cold when we got out, so we decided we needed to warm up in a nice hot shower...together.
I don't know why this is something we haven't done before! There's plenty of room for the two of us in there, after all.
And it was so romantic and sexy to be making out under the hot water.
I do love him.
I don't want to lose him.
Zady.
January 12th
Dear Diary,
I guess that it may be Damon's way of trying to show me he's serious, but we have been having SO much amazing sex lately! It's so hot, it's so good, that I'm blushing just thinking about it!
He has been more romantic and tender than ever,
which just makes it all the hotter, because I've become quite the vixen!
Who would've thought that I could feel like this hot, this sexy, this horny, after having four children?
It's not just the sex, no matter how wonderful that is. I do feel we can get through this, and be strong again.
Z.
Notes:
- Damon didn't want to have his picture taken during the portraits, he kept going off to do other things, despite being told to pose!
- Nina claiming she was impregnated by aliens makes me laugh.
- I really like the twist of having the zombie nanny and Santa be from Yolanda's over active imagination. It makes things easier to explain!
- Zady and Damon were arguing about the weather. They were getting very heated about the sun...maybe global warming?
- She also almost froze after being in the hot tub, but I got her inside in time.
- I am ridiculously pleased with the shower scene, and it's not because they're naked! Though they are pretty to look at. They fought the placement, but I got them there in the end.
- There will be another bloopers post, but not just yet.
- The family tree is posted here, and will be updated when needed.
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][ part five]
[ part six][ part seven][ part eight][ part nine][ part ten]
[ part eleven]
[ family tree]