Dear Diary, part nine
February 1st
Dear Diary
It's been a very, very trying time for me. We're back at home now, and I'm incredibly grateful that Grandmother and Kaylynn were able to organise the repair and redecoration of the house for me. It just wasn't something I felt I was up to. They decided to redecorate the entire house, instead of just the kitchen. I think they were hoping the new interior would make it easier to cope with mother's passing.
I'll always be grateful to Kaylynn and Darren for the help they've given me, but I'm glad to be out of there, and back in my own home. It was very cramped at their house, and I didn't want to overstay my welcome.
Damon's doctor suggested he spend more time on his hobbies, so he's taken up pottery. After everything we've been through, he's decided a change of career was in order, and managed to a job at popular record label, scouting for bands. This means he's out of the house most nights, and not out of bed til midday, but the money is good and he seems happy.
He's really enjoying his pottery (which does seem somewhat out of character for him...but he hasn't quite been the same since Alfred knocked him out), though he tried to tell me that when he finally got the hang out of it, and made a beautiful plate, that there were all these sparkles and flowers bursting out of it, like he'd created something magical.
I can't help but feel this is part of his head injury, and I really, really hope it goes away soon. He doesn't think it was a hallucination, he swears it was real. That scares me.
But it's a minor thing, really and doesn't interfere with our lives that much, so I try to overlook that, and his mood swings. I'm getting the knack of taking care of two babies along with Yolanda, though it isn't easy.
It's worth it, but some days, it's incredibly difficult, especially when Damon's working. We don't need the money, but he has a need to work.
Yolanda seems to be coping with all these changes pretty well. She likes to draw a lot, which I guess helps her try to 'voice' some of her frustrations.
I spend as much time with her as possible, but some days I feel like she doesn't get as much attention as she should.
I do my best to entertain her and appreciate her (on top of her usual care, of course!), which is all I can do, I guess.
Sometimes, I get it wrong.
And at those times, I feel like the world's worst mother. I know that no one gets it right all the time, but I know I need to do better. I've been thinking about getting a nanny. I know that's crazy, seeing as I'm not working! But with Damon out at nights...it's hard.
I know that Yolanda forgives me my mistakes, and loves me all the same.
Her smiles, hugs and kisses certainly help brighten my day.
And because it seemed to work so well for Damon, I decided to indulge in my creative side, and took up the violin again. I haven't touched it since I was about 15, but it's all coming back to me. Yolanda likes to dance when I play, and it seems to soothe the twins. I know I feel more relaxed afterwards, so I guess everybody wins.
Z.
February 15th
Dear Diary,
Yesterday was my first Valentine's Day as a married woman! While we didn't go out for it, we did have a lovely meal together.
Damon took care of the kids, gave them their baths, fed them and put them to bed, which was a really nice change.
He and Yolanda are so close, it melts my heart.
While he did that, I indulged in a long bubble bath, and gussied myself up. I was feeling quite pretty, even though I wasn't dressed up at all. I felt I looked pretty, too.
Once the kids were in bed and asleep (early, even!), it was time for our delicious dinner.
It was so nice to sit there, holding hands, kissing, talking, as we ate. It wouldn't have been any more romantic if we'd gone out to the fanciest restaurant in town.
And if we'd gone to a fancy restaurant, we wouldn't have been able to 'celebrate' straight away!
I feel so naughty when we do it in the lounge room!
I know he loves me, even if he doesn't act like himself at times.
And I love him, more than I thought I possibly could. It was a wonderful Valentine's Day.
And the one thing that made this night even more amazing?
Alfred was sentenced to jail today! He's been given a four year term, three if he makes parole.
I heard from Kaylynn (who heard from Darren who knows one of the guards) that Nina lost it when she went in to see Alfred. She was screaming and crying and telling him that she'll wait for him.
She apparently calmed down after a while (the guard couldn't hear what they were saying once she'd stopped screaming), but it looked like they were plotting something. What, I have no idea - he's not going anywhere for a LONG time. That makes me ecstatic!
I hope he rots there!
An ecstatic Zady :)
March 21st
Dear Diary,
I've been feeling a bit off lately. Physically and emotionally. I should go see Dr Kimberly, but I just haven't found the time to see her. But I need to, I know I do.
I've tried to hide how I've been feeling from Damon, I don't want to worry him. He's going for a promotion at work, and he's feeling a bit stressed. To help him unwind, I've been encouraging him to play the piano more. I love to dance around in my underwear to his music!
Even though I'm really not very good at dancing! But I have fun, and, well, he does like to see me in my underwear!
Earlier tonight, though, something happened that I haven't told him, and I really, really don't want to. I was feeling light headed and queasy, and thought it was maybe the hot dogs we'd eaten.
But When I was outside...I fainted. Damon was inside watching some game on tv, and the kids were sleeping. I have no idea how long I was out for, but I was incredibly cold when I came around.
I have to see her soon. I'll see if I can get an appointment tomorrow.
Z.
March 26th
Dear Diary,
I should've gone to see Dr Kimberly straight after I fainted, I know that. But I didn't. I didn't see her until yesterday, and then, oh it scares me, but by then it was almost too late.
I was giving Wanda her bath, and she was really enjoying it, splashing about and giggling. Xander tends to cry and wriggle away during his, so I admit to liking bathing Wanda more.
But during her bath, I started feeling light headed again.
I felt like I was about to faint, and I was gripped with these sudden agonising pains in my stomach. I managed to get Wanda dressed and put her on the floor without dropping her, though that was hard. I was going to splash some water on my face to wake me up a bit...
I did wonder if I was pregnant again. It all started to make sense. The nausea, the dizziness, not feeling myself. I haven't really been keeping track of my periods, I've just been too busy.
But then...I'm not really sure what happened. I know I couldn't see properly, everything was going black.
I remember calling out for Damon, but I wasn't sure I was loud enough.
He later told me that he did hear me, and that he came in to see what it was I wanted, and he found me lying on the ground, next to Wanda, and that I was barely breathing. That I might have actually stopped breathing.
He said that the room felt really cold, a lot colder than it normally does, but it didn't really register at the time. He was so shocked he barely noticed that Wanda was there with me.
Luckily, Calista heard his screams, and she ran in to see what had happened. She told him to start mouth-to-mouth while she ran and called for an ambulance.
He started trying to get me breathing stronger...and this is where it starts to get weird for him. He said it felt like he had a choice. That his actions would dictate whether I lived or died. "There was only one choice," he told me.
He was pleading with me, begging me not to leave him.
He said he started sobbing once my breathing was stronger, and colour started coming back into my cheeks.
It was about then that he noticed Wanda lying next to me, quiet as could be.
And then I came to. I was able to get to my feet with a bit of help. I couldn't help but notice how cold the room was, too...
He was just so happy to see that I was ok.
I don't ever plan on telling him what I remember from that. I just don't feel like I could share it, that I should share it.
Like I said, I remember starting to faint, but almost immediately, I was standing up again. I felt good, better than I have in years. So light. I was in the bathroom still, but there was this surreal quality. It was peaceful, so quiet, so light.
It took a moment or two to orient myself, I was just filled with the serenity of it all. Wanda wasn't there, I was all alone. I couldn't hear Damon or Yolanda or Xander, which took a minute to sink in as to why it was weird.
Then I remembered them, that they should be with me. And then I saw I wasn't alone any more.
Mother was there, like she was waiting for me.
She smiled at me and hugged me. I don't remember us hugging like that while she was alive, but it felt so warm and loving that it made up for everything we missed.
She was glowing, like how an angel would.
"You have a choice, darling," she said. I remember that clearly. I asked her what she meant.
"This could be your time to pass on, if you want to go. If you want to move on, I will take you there," she told me. "But if you want to stay, then I understand."
I felt so at ease, that I was home. I felt like this was where I should be. I felt ready to "move on".
I could feel Death was breathing down my neck...and I didn't mind. I almost relished it. An ending to all the pettiness and upsets life has to offer...
Mother urged me to think carefully, that a choice like this couldn't be undone once made. She wanted me to be with her, but that meant leaving everyone else behind.
I chose to stay. I couldn't leave Damon or my children. Their love was worth a thousand Alfreds in my life. Though I almost didn't, the urge to go with mother was just so strong.
I know that I definitely could never tell Damon this next part...but Death, I saw him! He stood in front of me, and took my hand. He promised me a long, healthy life, that he wouldn't come for me any time soon.
He then said he was giving me a gift, by letting me return to life. He said he was giving me the gift of life, one to cherish.
I assumed he meant by letting me live again, but then he reached down, and lay his hands on my belly, and I realised I was very, very pregnant!
"This child is special," he said. "Cherish this child and all that he shall bring."
I was stunned. What could that mean??
I then saw Death take mother into his arms, hugging like they were long time friends. There was a sense of familiarity between them.
And that was when I woke up, and noticed how cold the bathroom was. I'm sure that Death was still there, watching over me.
I know I will cherish those moments I had with mother.
By then, the ambulance had arrived, and the paramedics came rushing in. I'm sure that I'll be the talk of the neighbourhood for a while, seeing as Lucy and Calista were here at the time, and Dagmar and Marylena were outside. That's four gossips in the one place as drama happens!
They checked me over, and called for Dr Kimberly to make an emergency house call. They couldn't find anything wrong with me, but Dr Kimberly did discover that I was indeed pregnant.
That wasn't a surprise to me.
The paramedics did give me a small lecture about taking better care of myself, and to not pushy myself so hard.
Dr Kimberly suggested I get a nanny, because I would need to be careful during this pregnancy, and to get lots of bed rest.
So far, the pregnancy is progressing as normal, and I hope it stays that way.
Zady.
NOTES:
- It wasn't in my storyline for Zady to die like that! I was busy doing something else in the house when I realised (too late!) I'd been neglecting her needs and working her too hard. OOPS. But it fits with the storyline, so I'm happy with it. Damon did save her, after all!
- I should have another update ready to post either tomorrow or the day after!
Previous entries:
[ part one][ part two][ part three][ part four][ part five][ part six][ part seven][ part eight]