Out of Choices - Chapter 28
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 28: Acceptance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 6,380
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
28. Acceptance
A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the piece of me that is obsessed with it.
Thanks for the reviews guys. You guys rock hardcore! Seriously, I feel so lucky that you guys are reading this story. I’m grateful.
This chapter is brimming with…little to nothing. It’s really Edward’s thoughts on Jessica, his conversation with Carlisle and then a parting thought that foreshadows further into the story that every last one of you was expecting. I feel like it’s not much to offer since it advances the plot little. It’s rather like an arc I suppose. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. Have at it. I’m done with it LOL. That sounded rather unenthusiastic didn’t it?
From Edward’s POV…
“Cool?” I asked, completely shocked.
“Fuck yeah it’s cool!” she assured me, with a large child-like smile on her face. “As long as I’m under the radar then it’s awesome!” I was stunned. All the time I’d spent worrying that she would be unable to accept my gift had been wasted. All the energy I’d expended trying to justify keeping it from her to protect myself from losing her had been in vain.
“Just so I’m completely clear here, you really don’t care that I can read people’s minds?” I had to check again, in plain English, just to soothe my nerves. Her easy acceptance seemed so far out of the realm of possibility for the two of us that I was having trouble taking it at face value. Nothing between Bella and I was ever easy.
“Tell me what that lady is saying!” she exclaimed, pointing to a woman crossing the street with her son.
“She’s wondering if her husband will be home on time for supper, and if he’d like pork or chicken for dinner.” I chuckled quietly, still trying to shake off the surprise.
“Oh…”
“Oh?” I questioned, worried it had finally sunk in. I braced myself for the backlash of expected objection.
“That’s kind of boring,” she laughed. I smiled and let the relief wash over me again.
“So much of what I hear is boring and unimportant.” She turned to look at me.
“You really can’t hear my mind?” she wondered, a cunning smile on her beautiful lips.
“Not a single word.”
“What am I thinking?” she pressed disbelievingly.
“That I’m a freak?” I guessed, laughing.
“I thought that a long time ago,” she teased.
“You really don’t care?”
“No,” she shook her head, grinning. “And you didn’t tell me what I’m thinking.”
“You have to help me out. You have no idea how it kills me that I can’t hear your thoughts.”
“I told you I was broken,” she retorted.
“I prefer to see it as special,” I corrected, winking at her.
“So do you want to know what I was thinking?”
“Very much, please.”
“I was thinking I’d like you to kiss me.” She reached out for my jacket and pulled herself towards me awkwardly, hampered by her cast. I let her have her way and wiggle towards me, leaning into her to make it easier. She puckered her beautiful lips and pressed them against mine sweetly. I had no idea what the appropriate response to her unfettered acceptance of my strange talent should be. If she had asked for a new car or a trip around the world I’d have given it to her. Granting her a kiss was my pleasure, but it didn’t seem like enough to say thank you to the precious bit of understanding that she’d just bestowed on me.
“You’re going to hurt yourself if you twist like that,” I whispered, reluctantly pulling back from her lips.
“You always know the most romantic things to say,” she murmured, taking my top lip into her mouth and sucking gently on it.
“I didn’t say I don’t want to kiss you. I’d just like to find you a more comfortable position so you don’t hurt your leg.”
“You worry far too fucking much,” she informed me between kisses.
“One of us has to care about your health,” I charged, moving back in to kiss her again as soon as the words left my mouth.
“My health is just fine. My lips on the other hand…” She kissed me again, a little more forcefully, making my worries about her leg hard to remember in opposition to the exquisite pressure of her lips.
“You really won’t be happy until you get the better of both of us, will you?” I murmured, trying to refocus on what she needed since she wouldn’t. She pulled back from me with a pout and was about to complain when I laid my finger on her lips to quiet her. I got out of the car and went around to her side, scooping her up in my arms before opening the back door and sliding into the seat with her on my lap. I pulled the door closed and stared down at her shocked face with a smirk. “What? You think just because I can’t read your mind that I don’t know what you’re thinking? You were going to complain that I didn’t want to kiss you, wearing that pretty little pout on your lips to make me feel badly.”
“But you said…” she stammered, shocked.
“I said I couldn’t read your mind. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand how it works or what you want Bella,” I smiled, bending forward to kiss her softly. My arms encircled her waist and I gently pulled her closer. “It’s not hard when we want the same things.”
“You want to skip biology and spend the next few hours making out in the backseat too?” she snarked, wrapping her arms around my neck and setting me off again. There was something about her tiny hands on my neck, the impetus of so many loving instincts in me, some caring, some carnal.
“You’re looking to spend some after school time with Alice again, are you?” I teased, pressing my lips into hers before she could answer. She tightened her hands around my neck and urged my head towards hers, pushing her tongue into my mouth. Just as I responded, she pulled back slightly, sucking a little on my bottom lip before fully letting me go.
“Not unless Alice wants to watch us,” she murmured, staring up at me with smouldering wanting eyes. She came back at me with vigor, and I could feel the desperation of her emotion in the way her tongue fought against mine and the way she pulled my face even closer to hers by weaving her tiny fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. In a different situation, this sort of conspicuous display of emotion from Bella would worry me. She was just the sort of soul to hide her worry in some distracting activity so she could pretend to be happy when she was the exact opposite. She was so in the moment however, so caught up in the kiss, that I knew it was only her love for me that was driving her. There was no distraction in her efforts or lapses in her vivaciousness. She was fully present in every movement, sound and touch, and what I wanted more than anything was to return it all to her tenfold.
I poured all of my energy and focus into kissing her, letting her guide me in what she wanted, passionate and driven when the edges of her desperation seemed to fray, and soft and slow when our connection alone was enough to make her content. She ran her fingers through my hair, twirling small bits around her fingers at times, soothingly massaging my scalp at others. I let my hand loosely roam her back and side, following the curves of her body like a road map. We just held one another and kissed, enjoying the closeness and affection and privacy. A parked car was far from private, but at least it was away from the nosey students at school. I hated having to pull back from her and take away what she desired, but I didn’t want her to get in trouble, with the school or with Charlie.
“We need to get back to school,” I revealed in a hushed tone. I barely moved my mouth away from hers, leaving only enough room for my lips to speak the words, hating to interrupt our closeness.
“All I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah blah,” she breathed, kissing me another time.
“Bella,” I scolded sweetly, “did you want to get caught skipping?” She stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed at her. “That doesn’t work on me.”
“What doesn’t work on you?” she wondered.
“Sticking your tongue out. It’s neither disparaging or disdainful, or even mocking for that matter. In fact, if anything, it’s kind of sexy.”
“I think all this kissing has turned your brain to mush,” she laughed.
“Perhaps,” I agreed, “but we still have to get back.”
“Killjoy!”
“Guilty, but you’ll thank me later, once gym is finished and you can come straight back into my arms without having to attend another of Alice’s ‘how to be a good student’ seminars or having any more face time with the principal.”
“You think you know me so well,” she mocked.
“That’s because I do,” I assured her.
“I could deny it,” she threatened.
“But we both know you’d be lying.”
“Are you going to let me get in the front seat, or make me ride back here like a gimp?”
“I can put you back into the front seat if you like?” I teased. She rolled her eyes at me.
“If you’re making me go back to school then at least let me limp and have my dignity,” she snarked. I opened the door for her and helped her slide off my lap, keeping her hand in mine even when she tried to pull it out of my grasp. “What? Are you keeping my hand as a souvenir?”
“No, but I thought I’d help you. If I let go of your hand, you’ll do it all yourself.” I slid from the car, moving my free hand to her hip to hold her still, smirking and snickering under my breath when she tried to wiggle away. “You are the most stubborn creature,” I murmured against her ear as I reached past her to open the passenger door for her.
“It’s part of my charm.” I chuckled and took her hand, persuading her towards the open door.
“You’re very good at allowing me to take care of you even when you’re difficult, in spite of your stubbornness,” I noted after starting the car and turning back towards the school.
“Hey, I just thought of something.”
“What?”
“Were you listening for my conversation with Jessica?” I looked at her, unsure how to answer. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or upset the ease of our lunch hour. “How does it work exactly?”
“Close your eyes,” I instructed her, rolling down the window a small amount. Once her eyes were closed, I continued. “Tell me what you hear.”
“I hear the engine?”
“Good, keep listening. Describe each sound to me.”
“I hear the wind from the open window, the noise from other cars, the car stereo…a bird squawking…the sound of the tires on the road.”
“Good, now imagine hearing all of those things all at once, and being able to pick out each sound distinctly, without having to ignore the others.”
“All at the same time?” she asked, astounded, her eyes popping open in surprise.
“Yes,” I admitted. “There is constant white noise in my head, a spate of voices from anyone I’m near.”
“How near do you have to be? I mean if you could hear what happened between Jessica and I, you must have some pretty good distance with that sucker?” I laughed at her casual objectification of my talent.
“I have to be relatively near to the person, but there is an allowable distance that permits me to still hear. The more familiar I am with someone’s mental voice the easier it is to pick it out, and the greater the distance I can hear it as well.” I felt a strange relief in finally being able to share such personal details with her, in being able to share more of who I was.
“What’s a mental voice, like the person’s crazy say anything voice or something? If that’s the case then I’m glad you can’t hear mine,” she laughed.
“It’s much like the voice you would hear someone speak with, only it’s what they are thinking instead of speaking.”
“Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t want you to hear what goes on up here,” she agreed, tapping her temple with her finger.
“It’s such a strange thing to hear nothing from you that way, when I hear it from everyone else.”
“Like Jessica…”
“Believe me, I block Jessica’s voice from my head as much as possible.”
“Why’s that?” she wondered, smiling sideways at me. “Because of the notes?”
“The notes were the easy part.”
“Come on! You can’t just say that. You’ve got to give me details!”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything! Anything! You heard what she said to me…wait. You heard what she said to me.” Her head dropped and she covered her face with her hands as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
“What is it Bella?” I asked softly.
“You heard what she said to me…so you know,” she murmured quietly.
“Know what? That Jessica’s behaviour is unpalatable…that her thoughts are unimaginative, jejune and tiresome?”
“No…I mean yes.” She paused, filling the space with nervous laughter. “What she said about me…it doesn’t bother you?”
“It bothers me a great deal. She had no right to speak so disrespectfully to you or to slander you so unduly.”
“It’s not slander if it’s true.” She looked away from me, out the window, but from her profile I could see that she was feeling ashamed. I ran the conversation in my mind again, trying to determine the source of her embarrassment.
“I already told you Bella. You are not a freak, nor do I believe you to be dark and broken, simply misunderstood.”
“That’s not what I was talking about,” she informed me quietly. I quickly went over Jessica’s asinine thoughts again. She’d called Bella frigid, which was clearly not the case. Bella was neither unresponsive nor inhibited when she was with me, almost to my detriment, as she made it very hard for me to control my actions in the way she reacted to my touch. The only other thing that Jessica had challenged was the notion of Bella being promiscuous, which was ludicrously false.
“I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit dense and I’m not sure of what you’re referring to…her parting comment about frigidity or the notion of you being promiscuous?” She looked over at me, anxious and upset. “Because I don’t think you’re either. Not at all.”
“It doesn’t bother you that I’m a…well you know,” she whispered, staring at her hands in her lap. I wished she’d finished her thought for me. She was obviously upset and I didn’t want to have to pull the answer from her and upset her further. That she was what? A once more through the conversation she had with Jessica gave me one last hint at what might be bothering her, something that she might feel uncomfortable saying in front of me. How to approach it discreetly?
“Does it bother you that I am?”
“You are?” she asked, shocked.
“I told you that you were the only girl I’ve ever asked out.”
“I know, but I thought you were just pulling my leg.”
“No, I was quite serious. Do you really think that I am the sort of man to be indiscriminate or unchaste?”
“No, I don’t think that, but sometimes things just happen.”
“I can appreciate that.” I reached out to her lap and picked up one of her hands, lacing my fingers through hers. “But they’ve never ‘just happened’ to me. I quite sincerely admit to you that you are the only woman who has ever stirred these feelings in me, and I can’t fathom that sort of intimacy with anyone I wasn’t in love with. I hope that doesn’t bother you, my inexperience I mean?”
“No,” she blurted, almost relieved. “I mean, it would have been fine if you had. It’s not like I could have done shit to change it, but I think it’s cool that it was important to you to wait. I respect that it’s not some frivolous activity to pass the time to you.”
“I feel the same way in regards to how you see it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me either way, although I’m not going to pretend that I’m not pleased that it’s worked out this way for both of us.”
“Pleased?” Her eyes looked up at mine finally. I could see confusion there, and surprise.
“Something we can figure out together…” I hesitated, unsure about continuing my thoughts. I wasn’t intending to bring it up with her today, even though it had been on my mind. “I can’t speak for you, but I have thought about it…about being with you.”
“Me too,” she agreed softly. “A lot.” I smiled and squeezed her hand.
“It will work out, if and when it’s meant to…when the time is right.” She squeezed my hand softly in response, her way of wordlessly telling me she agreed.
“Can I ask you an inappropriately nosey question?” she wondered.
“Of course,” I granted, hoping I would actually be able to answer it truthfully.
“So a girl like Jessica, who is decent looking and obviously more than willing to hook up with you, and you were never even tempted by the idea of a freebie?”
“Not in the slightest, by anyone, and especially not by her.” I shuddered at the thought of even being in the same room as her.
“What happened between the two of you?” she asked, fishing for more details. I couldn’t quite pinpoint if it was curiosity or jealousy.
“Nothing at all. She’s my Mike Newton.”
“Ahhh, I see,” she laughed.
“Those abhorrent notes she wrote were so full of drivel they were almost insulting. She had us joined at the hip before she even knew my last name.” The more Bella laughed at what I said, the more I said. I wanted her to know that when it came to Jessica Stanley there was nothing to be jealous of. “You can’t even imagine what I had to put up with in terms of her twisted fantasies, right down to the white dress and the cake.”
“Seriously?” she asked disbelievingly.
“She was picking out names for our children, a boy and a girl of course.” I rolled my eyes at Jessica’s predictability and lack of imagination. “And you can imagine how much worse it was since I could hear her thoughts as well as what she spoke to me. I was never so glad when she finally got over her obsessive crush.”
“I’ve got news for you buddy. She ain’t over shit,” she laughed.
“Well a decrease of the smallest degree was a welcomed change. Every time I turned around she was throwing herself at me. The time she told you about when she ‘ran into’ Emmett and me? She and a couple of her friends followed us. Followed us!” I repeated, remembering my annoyance from that day. “Emmett thought we could loose them if we went deep into the forest on our hike, but that backfired on us because they got lost and we had to help them find their way back. That was the couple of hours that we ‘hung out’ that she referred to.”
“Wow, she did some truth stretching there, didn’t she?”
“Everything she says stretches the truth. The girl lives in a constant state of non-reality.”
“Too bad she lives in our reality,” she lamented, rolling her eyes.
“She has her sights set on Mike now. Almost makes me feel badly for him…almost.”
“Maybe they’ll be a perfect match? They can each obsess over the other and drive each other batty.”
“If there is any karma in this world, they will be,” I laughed, cheered by the notion of the satisfaction of payback.
“So you weren’t even the tiniest bit tempted is what you’re saying?” she teased awkwardly. She still had doubts, hiding her feelings of inadequacy.
“Never. You are the only one I’ve ever felt anything for, the only one I ever loved.” I paused and she looked up at me. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes when I spoke. “She is your opposite, so far beneath you in every way that matters.”
“You’re just saying that to ensure that you can get me into your backseat again.” Forever my Bella, uncomfortable with my compliment and hiding behind her sarcasm.
“I’m saying it because it’s true. Even if you never again honoured me with another kiss, you would still be everything I’ve ever wanted.” I could tell my words had finally gotten through to her mind because she had no reply, no sarcastic retort or redirection of my thoughts. She just squeezed my hand a small amount and then lifted it to her mouth and kissed it softly, before laying it back in her lap. There was so much emotion in her that she buried, hiding just below the surface of her carefully crafted persona. I was a lucky man to be included in her life, a very lucky man indeed.
*****
My mind wandered during biology. I was feeling rather providential, almost charmed, after my lunch with Bella. There was freedom in the knowledge that she was truly unruffled by what she’d learned about me, and in that freedom, hope, that perhaps if she were to ever learn about what I was she could look past it. In fact, the last twenty-four hours were defined by freedom and my conversation with my parents was another example of my good fortune. Last night my brothers and sisters went to see a movie, and I used the rare opportunity for privacy to approach my parents about Bella.
“I’d like to speak with you both, if that’s okay?” I inquired, knowing they would relish the chance to learn more about what had been on my mind.
“Of course,” Carlisle allowed. His mind was focused on my recent happiness and wondering how much it had to do with Bella. I knew he would intuitively understand my connection to her, even if he did not yet know the full extent of it.
“Please come sit Dear,” Esme coaxed, patting the couch lightly beside her to emphasize her point. I sat down beside her to make her happy and her hand instantly reached out for mine. She squeezed it soothingly. There were no specific thoughts in her head, just a general pleasure and happiness in regard to my well-being.
“A week or two ago, when I spoke to the family about Bella, I wasn’t entirely forthcoming with everything I said. There is more to the situation with Bella than I let on.”
“What is it Son?” Carlisle wondered. He knew me well enough to understand the gravity of my admission. He was already suspecting that my feelings were more than what I’d eluded to that night. Esme was waiting patiently, her mind neither worried nor content, simply open, and ready to take in what I was going to tell her. I turned towards her smiling. She would be happy to hear my news.
“I love her,” I whispered thoughtfully, watching the smile on Esme’s face widen gleefully. She thought only of my happiness, not a single reservation or doubt. “And she loves me too.”
“Edward, that’s wonderful,” she effused warmly. “Why didn’t you want to tell us?”
“It’s not that I was trying to keep the truth from you, more that I wasn’t prepared for the others to know. As you can imagine, they don’t exactly approve, and I respect their reservations. I think that both of you can also understand how this has changed me personally though.”
“Perhaps they just need some time to get used to the idea?” Carlisle offered compassionately. He understood their reservations as easily as he understood the depth of my bond to Bella, and was torn between the two. His mind was not as clear as Esme’s. He was considering the difficulties of a relationship with a human, the problems it could cause to me personally, given my nature, as well as problems that would touch our family.
“I assure you my thirst is well controlled,” I explained to Carlisle, hoping to ease his doubts. “Not that I don’t understand your concerns. She is indeed human after all, and I’m not going to say she never tempted me.” I was ashamed to even allude to the danger Bella’s blood had put us all in, Bella included. Carlisle’s mind went to my impromptu trip to Alaska. “Yes, she is the reason I went to Denali,” I admitted.
“I’m going to leave you to talk to your Father, Edward.” Esme squeeze my hand softly and stood up, quickly bending over to kiss my cheek. When she pulled back, she laid her hand gently on my cheek. “It really is wonderful Edward. You know well how I have longed for this for you. I don’t care if she’s human. If you love her, and she loves you, that’s good enough for me. Be happy.” She smiled affectionately at me and then turned towards Carlisle with a knowing glance. Even after so many years together, I could still see the love in their eyes when they looked at one another. She disappeared without another word. Her heart was so pure. The world would be a better place if we could all love like Esme. Every thought in her head revolved around the joy that I had found someone to love after so long alone.
“I know you probably think I’m crazy, and maybe I am. I know that loving Bella is risky for us all.” It was easier for me to say it out loud than to let him wonder silently about it.
“I am happy for you, Edward. God knows you’ve wandered this Earth alone long enough, but I have to think of our family too. I can’t downplay your reaction to her before you left for Denali.” His mind went to his memory of my horrified face that day and I felt ashamed again.
“From the moment I fell in love with her, perhaps even before I consciously realized it, I haven’t felt the urge…what I mean to say is that side of my nature is very well caged. I feed more frequently. I wouldn’t think of putting Bella at any risk. If there were even the slightest doubt that I might hurt her because of what I am, then I would leave again. Her safety is my biggest concern.” Carlisle was carefully considering my words. There was a strange swelling of emotion in him, pride and joy and amazement, as he tried to put the pieces together.
“Edward, of all of us, only you are capable of this kind of challenge.” He considered my sacrifices to be greater than his own, was proud of me for showing such strength, even thought of me as courageous.
“It’s not courage that drives me Carlisle, and none of us is more practised or strong than you. If I might aspire to have even a small bit of your control,” I wished.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Edward. I’ve seen the change in you. Love is an amazing thing, capable of changing us in ways that you probably can’t even imagine,” he offered sincerely. He truly believed me incapable of hurting Bella intentionally.
“That is one thing I wanted to speak to you about,” I mentioned awkwardly. “Being near her, kissing her…it’s made me feel things I didn’t think I was even capable of…human things…desires…” I wasn’t even sure if I was making sense of the jumbled mess of questions in my head.
“Our human natures are buried in transformation, but not forgotten. I think what you are feeling is very normal within the bonds of love, new and strange to you perhaps, but perfectly normal for love.” His thoughts progressed on a purely emotional level.
“Yes,” I agreed, “the emotions are part of it too, but I was speaking of more primal instincts…of physical desires.”
“Oh!” Carlisle exclaimed as his thoughts fell into place. His mind ran a gamut of possibilities, logistics and safety and a number of other considerations. “It is possible for our kind to share physical love with a human. Of course you know that from the sisters in Denali. Is there something specific you’re worried about?”
“Will I hurt her? She seems more fragile than glass to me, yet as tough as stone at times too.” His mind was pondering asking me if I had tried to touch her and failed. “No, we haven’t tried to be that physically close yet, but I’ve been thinking about it. It’s something I want very much, but I wouldn’t consider it until I spoke with you about it.”
“So you’ve been moving slowly then?” he asked, poorly masking the relief in his voice and thoughts.
“Yes, kissing mainly, and once or twice I’ve touched her skin.”
“It was a powerful sensation for you,” he declared knowingly. He was looking for my acknowledgement, more to rank my control in his mind than out of any sense of nosiness.
“So far, physically, I feel very in control when I’m close to her, but emotionally, the control is less explicit. It’s overwhelming at times, what a simple touch can bring out in me…the surge of emotions, the multiplicity of desires and urges…the feeling that it’s never enough.”
“That’s love Son,” he smiled proudly. He was impressed by my understanding and pleased that I had put so much thought into my own feelings, as well as those of Bella. “It’s a powerful and encompassing emotion. Have you spoken to Bella about a physical relationship?”
“Not yet, and of course I wouldn’t pursue one if it was not something she wanted. I wasn’t even sure if it was something I was capable of, personally. I can’t afford to make a mistake with her. She’s too precious.”
“Tell me more about how you feel when you’re near her,” Carlisle suggested. He was trying to understand where my fear lay.
“She’s rather complicated…stubborn and quite closed off at times. When she lets me in, when she lets me see the real her, I lose control of my emotions. I only want to give her what she wants, to devote all of my energy to whatever she needs. It’s as if I’m helpless to her, like she holds all the power and I hold none. Yet in those moments of powerlessness, I am completely vulnerable to her but feel entirely safe because she is loving me. All of these feelings are amplified when we connect physically. Every way she responds to me, whether it’s a kiss or a touch or a noise, makes me want to give more of myself.”
“And when she touches you?” Carlisle pressed.
“I admit it’s harder to control myself when she touches me. There’s something in our physical connection that is unfettered and primitive, and yet it provides tranquility and calm at the same time. Her touch centers me and brings me back to myself, to the moment, and at the same time it lights me on fire. And on top of that I’m apprehensive, afraid to show her too much and scare her away. She cares little that my skin is cold and hard compared to hers for instance, and I don’t understand why it doesn’t bother her, but I’m grateful nonetheless.”
“Do you think she suspects what you are?”
“I don’t know what to think. She notices everything Carlisle, tiny insignificant things that no other human is quick enough to notice. I can’t pretend to understand why our differences don’t matter to her except to assume that she loves me enough not to care.” His mental tone shifted to worry as he considered what Bella’s motivations might be. “I know it makes little sense and that I shouldn’t base my relationship on assumptions.”
“I don’t know if I’d go as far as saying you’re basing your relationship on assumptions. You obviously care for her very much and I believe she loves you too if she can look past the obvious physical differences between you and her. And as far as why she looks past them, her love for you might very well be the driving force. I have to ask though…” He paused, shuffling his thoughts carefully to find the right words to express his worry. “Do you think she has a right to know what you are before she deepens her relationship with you?” I didn’t know the answer to that. I knew I wanted her to know, even if I couldn’t tell her. I knew that I wanted it not to matter to her, even though it should and likely would. I knew more than anything else I wanted her happiness.
“She loves me, and what I am is part of who I am. I don’t want to know if she couldn’t love that part of me,” I whispered wistfully. “Is it so wrong to just want to hold on to her for as long as I can.”
“The longer you are with her, the more likely she is to notice your differences. Every day she changes, unlike you…” He was trying to delicately lead me down a path I was not prepared to go down. “Have you considered…”
Bella’s voice roused me from my preoccupation. “Are you coming?”
“Coming?” I wondered.
“Class is over. Didn’t you hear the bell?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“What were you so deep in thought about?”
“My conversation with my Father from last night,” I admitted honestly.
“I thought you said that conversation made you happy?”
“It did.” I smiled at her, but I don’t think she was convinced.
“You don’t look happy,” she challenged.
“That’s because I have to give you back for an hour,” I teased lightly. “Would you like to do something after school?”
“Yes,” she smiled. “That is if I make through the next hour with Mike. I wonder how his lip is doing?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the self-satisfied smirk on her face.
“Can I walk you to class?”
“Like you have a choice!”
We walked in silence and I replayed my Father’s words in my head. ‘I think as long as you’re cautious and take things slowly, you have nothing to worry about. I don’t see any problems with a loving physical relationship between you and Bella, just as long as you consider her feelings with regard to what and who you are.’ It was a subtle warning that wasn’t lost on me. Would Bella still want to be with me, would she still love me if she knew I was a vampire? There was no easy answer to that question.
My hand came up to stroke her cheek once we reached the gym doors. “I’ll miss you,” I whispered.
“Kiss me?” she murmured. I leaned into her body and softly kissed her lips, with a hundred different emotions crashing down on me. Was it selfish of me to hide my true nature from the woman I loved to protect her? Was I truly trying to protect her, or myself?
“I love you. I’ll see you in a hour.”
“An hour,” she agreed. I watched her leave, waiting for the door to close behind her before I left for Spanish.
Just like Bella, there were parts of me that were broken. These shattered pieces of the whole had a part in shaping me into the person I had become, parts I despised, parts I wished I could change or ignore the existence of, the monster. He rejoiced in the notion that Bella would never truly be mine, believing that she was incapable of loving a fiend. But against all odds, she did love me. If she knew the monster existed, could she look past him, love him as a part of the whole, as I loved the broken parts in her? The hope born of her easy acceptance of my gift made me believe that she could, but it warred with my reality. Even I couldn’t accept what I was, not with any degree of regard. I loathed the monster that lived inside me, that defined what I was as strongly as loving Bella defined me. How could I expect someone, even someone as special and amazing as Bella, to look past what I could not?
I had too many questions, and most with no certain answers. The only certainty that existed was my love for Bella. It would not change through time and space. Long after she was gone, my love for her would remain. The uncertainty of everything else was overwhelming. Was I willing to risk what I had with her to tell her what I was? She had a right to know. Was I willing to break the only rule of my kind to tell her the truth and put her in grave danger? Or was my fear for her safety simply an excuse to keep my nature hidden so that I might keep her in my life? When it came right down to it, what I feared more than anything else was losing her. Perhaps I was little more than a selfish coward?
It was clear to me that Carlisle was right. I had to determine Bella’s feelings on what I was before I let things between us become any more physical. The question that I needed an answer to was simple on the surface - was it more important that she loves who I am or what I am?
A/N: *sighs*
Such a heavy question in Edward’s brain.
And in mine.
Make me smile. Leave a review.
Chapter 28: Acceptance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.1, 19.2, 20, 21, 22.1, 22.2, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 6,380
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside, even when his true nature is revealed? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
28. Acceptance
A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the piece of me that is obsessed with it.
Thanks for the reviews guys. You guys rock hardcore! Seriously, I feel so lucky that you guys are reading this story. I’m grateful.
This chapter is brimming with…little to nothing. It’s really Edward’s thoughts on Jessica, his conversation with Carlisle and then a parting thought that foreshadows further into the story that every last one of you was expecting. I feel like it’s not much to offer since it advances the plot little. It’s rather like an arc I suppose. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it. Have at it. I’m done with it LOL. That sounded rather unenthusiastic didn’t it?
From Edward’s POV…
“Cool?” I asked, completely shocked.
“Fuck yeah it’s cool!” she assured me, with a large child-like smile on her face. “As long as I’m under the radar then it’s awesome!” I was stunned. All the time I’d spent worrying that she would be unable to accept my gift had been wasted. All the energy I’d expended trying to justify keeping it from her to protect myself from losing her had been in vain.
“Just so I’m completely clear here, you really don’t care that I can read people’s minds?” I had to check again, in plain English, just to soothe my nerves. Her easy acceptance seemed so far out of the realm of possibility for the two of us that I was having trouble taking it at face value. Nothing between Bella and I was ever easy.
“Tell me what that lady is saying!” she exclaimed, pointing to a woman crossing the street with her son.
“She’s wondering if her husband will be home on time for supper, and if he’d like pork or chicken for dinner.” I chuckled quietly, still trying to shake off the surprise.
“Oh…”
“Oh?” I questioned, worried it had finally sunk in. I braced myself for the backlash of expected objection.
“That’s kind of boring,” she laughed. I smiled and let the relief wash over me again.
“So much of what I hear is boring and unimportant.” She turned to look at me.
“You really can’t hear my mind?” she wondered, a cunning smile on her beautiful lips.
“Not a single word.”
“What am I thinking?” she pressed disbelievingly.
“That I’m a freak?” I guessed, laughing.
“I thought that a long time ago,” she teased.
“You really don’t care?”
“No,” she shook her head, grinning. “And you didn’t tell me what I’m thinking.”
“You have to help me out. You have no idea how it kills me that I can’t hear your thoughts.”
“I told you I was broken,” she retorted.
“I prefer to see it as special,” I corrected, winking at her.
“So do you want to know what I was thinking?”
“Very much, please.”
“I was thinking I’d like you to kiss me.” She reached out for my jacket and pulled herself towards me awkwardly, hampered by her cast. I let her have her way and wiggle towards me, leaning into her to make it easier. She puckered her beautiful lips and pressed them against mine sweetly. I had no idea what the appropriate response to her unfettered acceptance of my strange talent should be. If she had asked for a new car or a trip around the world I’d have given it to her. Granting her a kiss was my pleasure, but it didn’t seem like enough to say thank you to the precious bit of understanding that she’d just bestowed on me.
“You’re going to hurt yourself if you twist like that,” I whispered, reluctantly pulling back from her lips.
“You always know the most romantic things to say,” she murmured, taking my top lip into her mouth and sucking gently on it.
“I didn’t say I don’t want to kiss you. I’d just like to find you a more comfortable position so you don’t hurt your leg.”
“You worry far too fucking much,” she informed me between kisses.
“One of us has to care about your health,” I charged, moving back in to kiss her again as soon as the words left my mouth.
“My health is just fine. My lips on the other hand…” She kissed me again, a little more forcefully, making my worries about her leg hard to remember in opposition to the exquisite pressure of her lips.
“You really won’t be happy until you get the better of both of us, will you?” I murmured, trying to refocus on what she needed since she wouldn’t. She pulled back from me with a pout and was about to complain when I laid my finger on her lips to quiet her. I got out of the car and went around to her side, scooping her up in my arms before opening the back door and sliding into the seat with her on my lap. I pulled the door closed and stared down at her shocked face with a smirk. “What? You think just because I can’t read your mind that I don’t know what you’re thinking? You were going to complain that I didn’t want to kiss you, wearing that pretty little pout on your lips to make me feel badly.”
“But you said…” she stammered, shocked.
“I said I couldn’t read your mind. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand how it works or what you want Bella,” I smiled, bending forward to kiss her softly. My arms encircled her waist and I gently pulled her closer. “It’s not hard when we want the same things.”
“You want to skip biology and spend the next few hours making out in the backseat too?” she snarked, wrapping her arms around my neck and setting me off again. There was something about her tiny hands on my neck, the impetus of so many loving instincts in me, some caring, some carnal.
“You’re looking to spend some after school time with Alice again, are you?” I teased, pressing my lips into hers before she could answer. She tightened her hands around my neck and urged my head towards hers, pushing her tongue into my mouth. Just as I responded, she pulled back slightly, sucking a little on my bottom lip before fully letting me go.
“Not unless Alice wants to watch us,” she murmured, staring up at me with smouldering wanting eyes. She came back at me with vigor, and I could feel the desperation of her emotion in the way her tongue fought against mine and the way she pulled my face even closer to hers by weaving her tiny fingers into the hair at the nape of my neck. In a different situation, this sort of conspicuous display of emotion from Bella would worry me. She was just the sort of soul to hide her worry in some distracting activity so she could pretend to be happy when she was the exact opposite. She was so in the moment however, so caught up in the kiss, that I knew it was only her love for me that was driving her. There was no distraction in her efforts or lapses in her vivaciousness. She was fully present in every movement, sound and touch, and what I wanted more than anything was to return it all to her tenfold.
I poured all of my energy and focus into kissing her, letting her guide me in what she wanted, passionate and driven when the edges of her desperation seemed to fray, and soft and slow when our connection alone was enough to make her content. She ran her fingers through my hair, twirling small bits around her fingers at times, soothingly massaging my scalp at others. I let my hand loosely roam her back and side, following the curves of her body like a road map. We just held one another and kissed, enjoying the closeness and affection and privacy. A parked car was far from private, but at least it was away from the nosey students at school. I hated having to pull back from her and take away what she desired, but I didn’t want her to get in trouble, with the school or with Charlie.
“We need to get back to school,” I revealed in a hushed tone. I barely moved my mouth away from hers, leaving only enough room for my lips to speak the words, hating to interrupt our closeness.
“All I hear is blah, blah, blah, blah blah,” she breathed, kissing me another time.
“Bella,” I scolded sweetly, “did you want to get caught skipping?” She stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed at her. “That doesn’t work on me.”
“What doesn’t work on you?” she wondered.
“Sticking your tongue out. It’s neither disparaging or disdainful, or even mocking for that matter. In fact, if anything, it’s kind of sexy.”
“I think all this kissing has turned your brain to mush,” she laughed.
“Perhaps,” I agreed, “but we still have to get back.”
“Killjoy!”
“Guilty, but you’ll thank me later, once gym is finished and you can come straight back into my arms without having to attend another of Alice’s ‘how to be a good student’ seminars or having any more face time with the principal.”
“You think you know me so well,” she mocked.
“That’s because I do,” I assured her.
“I could deny it,” she threatened.
“But we both know you’d be lying.”
“Are you going to let me get in the front seat, or make me ride back here like a gimp?”
“I can put you back into the front seat if you like?” I teased. She rolled her eyes at me.
“If you’re making me go back to school then at least let me limp and have my dignity,” she snarked. I opened the door for her and helped her slide off my lap, keeping her hand in mine even when she tried to pull it out of my grasp. “What? Are you keeping my hand as a souvenir?”
“No, but I thought I’d help you. If I let go of your hand, you’ll do it all yourself.” I slid from the car, moving my free hand to her hip to hold her still, smirking and snickering under my breath when she tried to wiggle away. “You are the most stubborn creature,” I murmured against her ear as I reached past her to open the passenger door for her.
“It’s part of my charm.” I chuckled and took her hand, persuading her towards the open door.
“You’re very good at allowing me to take care of you even when you’re difficult, in spite of your stubbornness,” I noted after starting the car and turning back towards the school.
“Hey, I just thought of something.”
“What?”
“Were you listening for my conversation with Jessica?” I looked at her, unsure how to answer. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or upset the ease of our lunch hour. “How does it work exactly?”
“Close your eyes,” I instructed her, rolling down the window a small amount. Once her eyes were closed, I continued. “Tell me what you hear.”
“I hear the engine?”
“Good, keep listening. Describe each sound to me.”
“I hear the wind from the open window, the noise from other cars, the car stereo…a bird squawking…the sound of the tires on the road.”
“Good, now imagine hearing all of those things all at once, and being able to pick out each sound distinctly, without having to ignore the others.”
“All at the same time?” she asked, astounded, her eyes popping open in surprise.
“Yes,” I admitted. “There is constant white noise in my head, a spate of voices from anyone I’m near.”
“How near do you have to be? I mean if you could hear what happened between Jessica and I, you must have some pretty good distance with that sucker?” I laughed at her casual objectification of my talent.
“I have to be relatively near to the person, but there is an allowable distance that permits me to still hear. The more familiar I am with someone’s mental voice the easier it is to pick it out, and the greater the distance I can hear it as well.” I felt a strange relief in finally being able to share such personal details with her, in being able to share more of who I was.
“What’s a mental voice, like the person’s crazy say anything voice or something? If that’s the case then I’m glad you can’t hear mine,” she laughed.
“It’s much like the voice you would hear someone speak with, only it’s what they are thinking instead of speaking.”
“Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t want you to hear what goes on up here,” she agreed, tapping her temple with her finger.
“It’s such a strange thing to hear nothing from you that way, when I hear it from everyone else.”
“Like Jessica…”
“Believe me, I block Jessica’s voice from my head as much as possible.”
“Why’s that?” she wondered, smiling sideways at me. “Because of the notes?”
“The notes were the easy part.”
“Come on! You can’t just say that. You’ve got to give me details!”
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything! Anything! You heard what she said to me…wait. You heard what she said to me.” Her head dropped and she covered her face with her hands as her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
“What is it Bella?” I asked softly.
“You heard what she said to me…so you know,” she murmured quietly.
“Know what? That Jessica’s behaviour is unpalatable…that her thoughts are unimaginative, jejune and tiresome?”
“No…I mean yes.” She paused, filling the space with nervous laughter. “What she said about me…it doesn’t bother you?”
“It bothers me a great deal. She had no right to speak so disrespectfully to you or to slander you so unduly.”
“It’s not slander if it’s true.” She looked away from me, out the window, but from her profile I could see that she was feeling ashamed. I ran the conversation in my mind again, trying to determine the source of her embarrassment.
“I already told you Bella. You are not a freak, nor do I believe you to be dark and broken, simply misunderstood.”
“That’s not what I was talking about,” she informed me quietly. I quickly went over Jessica’s asinine thoughts again. She’d called Bella frigid, which was clearly not the case. Bella was neither unresponsive nor inhibited when she was with me, almost to my detriment, as she made it very hard for me to control my actions in the way she reacted to my touch. The only other thing that Jessica had challenged was the notion of Bella being promiscuous, which was ludicrously false.
“I’m sorry. I’m feeling a bit dense and I’m not sure of what you’re referring to…her parting comment about frigidity or the notion of you being promiscuous?” She looked over at me, anxious and upset. “Because I don’t think you’re either. Not at all.”
“It doesn’t bother you that I’m a…well you know,” she whispered, staring at her hands in her lap. I wished she’d finished her thought for me. She was obviously upset and I didn’t want to have to pull the answer from her and upset her further. That she was what? A once more through the conversation she had with Jessica gave me one last hint at what might be bothering her, something that she might feel uncomfortable saying in front of me. How to approach it discreetly?
“Does it bother you that I am?”
“You are?” she asked, shocked.
“I told you that you were the only girl I’ve ever asked out.”
“I know, but I thought you were just pulling my leg.”
“No, I was quite serious. Do you really think that I am the sort of man to be indiscriminate or unchaste?”
“No, I don’t think that, but sometimes things just happen.”
“I can appreciate that.” I reached out to her lap and picked up one of her hands, lacing my fingers through hers. “But they’ve never ‘just happened’ to me. I quite sincerely admit to you that you are the only woman who has ever stirred these feelings in me, and I can’t fathom that sort of intimacy with anyone I wasn’t in love with. I hope that doesn’t bother you, my inexperience I mean?”
“No,” she blurted, almost relieved. “I mean, it would have been fine if you had. It’s not like I could have done shit to change it, but I think it’s cool that it was important to you to wait. I respect that it’s not some frivolous activity to pass the time to you.”
“I feel the same way in regards to how you see it. It wouldn’t have mattered to me either way, although I’m not going to pretend that I’m not pleased that it’s worked out this way for both of us.”
“Pleased?” Her eyes looked up at mine finally. I could see confusion there, and surprise.
“Something we can figure out together…” I hesitated, unsure about continuing my thoughts. I wasn’t intending to bring it up with her today, even though it had been on my mind. “I can’t speak for you, but I have thought about it…about being with you.”
“Me too,” she agreed softly. “A lot.” I smiled and squeezed her hand.
“It will work out, if and when it’s meant to…when the time is right.” She squeezed my hand softly in response, her way of wordlessly telling me she agreed.
“Can I ask you an inappropriately nosey question?” she wondered.
“Of course,” I granted, hoping I would actually be able to answer it truthfully.
“So a girl like Jessica, who is decent looking and obviously more than willing to hook up with you, and you were never even tempted by the idea of a freebie?”
“Not in the slightest, by anyone, and especially not by her.” I shuddered at the thought of even being in the same room as her.
“What happened between the two of you?” she asked, fishing for more details. I couldn’t quite pinpoint if it was curiosity or jealousy.
“Nothing at all. She’s my Mike Newton.”
“Ahhh, I see,” she laughed.
“Those abhorrent notes she wrote were so full of drivel they were almost insulting. She had us joined at the hip before she even knew my last name.” The more Bella laughed at what I said, the more I said. I wanted her to know that when it came to Jessica Stanley there was nothing to be jealous of. “You can’t even imagine what I had to put up with in terms of her twisted fantasies, right down to the white dress and the cake.”
“Seriously?” she asked disbelievingly.
“She was picking out names for our children, a boy and a girl of course.” I rolled my eyes at Jessica’s predictability and lack of imagination. “And you can imagine how much worse it was since I could hear her thoughts as well as what she spoke to me. I was never so glad when she finally got over her obsessive crush.”
“I’ve got news for you buddy. She ain’t over shit,” she laughed.
“Well a decrease of the smallest degree was a welcomed change. Every time I turned around she was throwing herself at me. The time she told you about when she ‘ran into’ Emmett and me? She and a couple of her friends followed us. Followed us!” I repeated, remembering my annoyance from that day. “Emmett thought we could loose them if we went deep into the forest on our hike, but that backfired on us because they got lost and we had to help them find their way back. That was the couple of hours that we ‘hung out’ that she referred to.”
“Wow, she did some truth stretching there, didn’t she?”
“Everything she says stretches the truth. The girl lives in a constant state of non-reality.”
“Too bad she lives in our reality,” she lamented, rolling her eyes.
“She has her sights set on Mike now. Almost makes me feel badly for him…almost.”
“Maybe they’ll be a perfect match? They can each obsess over the other and drive each other batty.”
“If there is any karma in this world, they will be,” I laughed, cheered by the notion of the satisfaction of payback.
“So you weren’t even the tiniest bit tempted is what you’re saying?” she teased awkwardly. She still had doubts, hiding her feelings of inadequacy.
“Never. You are the only one I’ve ever felt anything for, the only one I ever loved.” I paused and she looked up at me. I wanted her to see the truth in my eyes when I spoke. “She is your opposite, so far beneath you in every way that matters.”
“You’re just saying that to ensure that you can get me into your backseat again.” Forever my Bella, uncomfortable with my compliment and hiding behind her sarcasm.
“I’m saying it because it’s true. Even if you never again honoured me with another kiss, you would still be everything I’ve ever wanted.” I could tell my words had finally gotten through to her mind because she had no reply, no sarcastic retort or redirection of my thoughts. She just squeezed my hand a small amount and then lifted it to her mouth and kissed it softly, before laying it back in her lap. There was so much emotion in her that she buried, hiding just below the surface of her carefully crafted persona. I was a lucky man to be included in her life, a very lucky man indeed.
*****
My mind wandered during biology. I was feeling rather providential, almost charmed, after my lunch with Bella. There was freedom in the knowledge that she was truly unruffled by what she’d learned about me, and in that freedom, hope, that perhaps if she were to ever learn about what I was she could look past it. In fact, the last twenty-four hours were defined by freedom and my conversation with my parents was another example of my good fortune. Last night my brothers and sisters went to see a movie, and I used the rare opportunity for privacy to approach my parents about Bella.
“I’d like to speak with you both, if that’s okay?” I inquired, knowing they would relish the chance to learn more about what had been on my mind.
“Of course,” Carlisle allowed. His mind was focused on my recent happiness and wondering how much it had to do with Bella. I knew he would intuitively understand my connection to her, even if he did not yet know the full extent of it.
“Please come sit Dear,” Esme coaxed, patting the couch lightly beside her to emphasize her point. I sat down beside her to make her happy and her hand instantly reached out for mine. She squeezed it soothingly. There were no specific thoughts in her head, just a general pleasure and happiness in regard to my well-being.
“A week or two ago, when I spoke to the family about Bella, I wasn’t entirely forthcoming with everything I said. There is more to the situation with Bella than I let on.”
“What is it Son?” Carlisle wondered. He knew me well enough to understand the gravity of my admission. He was already suspecting that my feelings were more than what I’d eluded to that night. Esme was waiting patiently, her mind neither worried nor content, simply open, and ready to take in what I was going to tell her. I turned towards her smiling. She would be happy to hear my news.
“I love her,” I whispered thoughtfully, watching the smile on Esme’s face widen gleefully. She thought only of my happiness, not a single reservation or doubt. “And she loves me too.”
“Edward, that’s wonderful,” she effused warmly. “Why didn’t you want to tell us?”
“It’s not that I was trying to keep the truth from you, more that I wasn’t prepared for the others to know. As you can imagine, they don’t exactly approve, and I respect their reservations. I think that both of you can also understand how this has changed me personally though.”
“Perhaps they just need some time to get used to the idea?” Carlisle offered compassionately. He understood their reservations as easily as he understood the depth of my bond to Bella, and was torn between the two. His mind was not as clear as Esme’s. He was considering the difficulties of a relationship with a human, the problems it could cause to me personally, given my nature, as well as problems that would touch our family.
“I assure you my thirst is well controlled,” I explained to Carlisle, hoping to ease his doubts. “Not that I don’t understand your concerns. She is indeed human after all, and I’m not going to say she never tempted me.” I was ashamed to even allude to the danger Bella’s blood had put us all in, Bella included. Carlisle’s mind went to my impromptu trip to Alaska. “Yes, she is the reason I went to Denali,” I admitted.
“I’m going to leave you to talk to your Father, Edward.” Esme squeeze my hand softly and stood up, quickly bending over to kiss my cheek. When she pulled back, she laid her hand gently on my cheek. “It really is wonderful Edward. You know well how I have longed for this for you. I don’t care if she’s human. If you love her, and she loves you, that’s good enough for me. Be happy.” She smiled affectionately at me and then turned towards Carlisle with a knowing glance. Even after so many years together, I could still see the love in their eyes when they looked at one another. She disappeared without another word. Her heart was so pure. The world would be a better place if we could all love like Esme. Every thought in her head revolved around the joy that I had found someone to love after so long alone.
“I know you probably think I’m crazy, and maybe I am. I know that loving Bella is risky for us all.” It was easier for me to say it out loud than to let him wonder silently about it.
“I am happy for you, Edward. God knows you’ve wandered this Earth alone long enough, but I have to think of our family too. I can’t downplay your reaction to her before you left for Denali.” His mind went to his memory of my horrified face that day and I felt ashamed again.
“From the moment I fell in love with her, perhaps even before I consciously realized it, I haven’t felt the urge…what I mean to say is that side of my nature is very well caged. I feed more frequently. I wouldn’t think of putting Bella at any risk. If there were even the slightest doubt that I might hurt her because of what I am, then I would leave again. Her safety is my biggest concern.” Carlisle was carefully considering my words. There was a strange swelling of emotion in him, pride and joy and amazement, as he tried to put the pieces together.
“Edward, of all of us, only you are capable of this kind of challenge.” He considered my sacrifices to be greater than his own, was proud of me for showing such strength, even thought of me as courageous.
“It’s not courage that drives me Carlisle, and none of us is more practised or strong than you. If I might aspire to have even a small bit of your control,” I wished.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Edward. I’ve seen the change in you. Love is an amazing thing, capable of changing us in ways that you probably can’t even imagine,” he offered sincerely. He truly believed me incapable of hurting Bella intentionally.
“That is one thing I wanted to speak to you about,” I mentioned awkwardly. “Being near her, kissing her…it’s made me feel things I didn’t think I was even capable of…human things…desires…” I wasn’t even sure if I was making sense of the jumbled mess of questions in my head.
“Our human natures are buried in transformation, but not forgotten. I think what you are feeling is very normal within the bonds of love, new and strange to you perhaps, but perfectly normal for love.” His thoughts progressed on a purely emotional level.
“Yes,” I agreed, “the emotions are part of it too, but I was speaking of more primal instincts…of physical desires.”
“Oh!” Carlisle exclaimed as his thoughts fell into place. His mind ran a gamut of possibilities, logistics and safety and a number of other considerations. “It is possible for our kind to share physical love with a human. Of course you know that from the sisters in Denali. Is there something specific you’re worried about?”
“Will I hurt her? She seems more fragile than glass to me, yet as tough as stone at times too.” His mind was pondering asking me if I had tried to touch her and failed. “No, we haven’t tried to be that physically close yet, but I’ve been thinking about it. It’s something I want very much, but I wouldn’t consider it until I spoke with you about it.”
“So you’ve been moving slowly then?” he asked, poorly masking the relief in his voice and thoughts.
“Yes, kissing mainly, and once or twice I’ve touched her skin.”
“It was a powerful sensation for you,” he declared knowingly. He was looking for my acknowledgement, more to rank my control in his mind than out of any sense of nosiness.
“So far, physically, I feel very in control when I’m close to her, but emotionally, the control is less explicit. It’s overwhelming at times, what a simple touch can bring out in me…the surge of emotions, the multiplicity of desires and urges…the feeling that it’s never enough.”
“That’s love Son,” he smiled proudly. He was impressed by my understanding and pleased that I had put so much thought into my own feelings, as well as those of Bella. “It’s a powerful and encompassing emotion. Have you spoken to Bella about a physical relationship?”
“Not yet, and of course I wouldn’t pursue one if it was not something she wanted. I wasn’t even sure if it was something I was capable of, personally. I can’t afford to make a mistake with her. She’s too precious.”
“Tell me more about how you feel when you’re near her,” Carlisle suggested. He was trying to understand where my fear lay.
“She’s rather complicated…stubborn and quite closed off at times. When she lets me in, when she lets me see the real her, I lose control of my emotions. I only want to give her what she wants, to devote all of my energy to whatever she needs. It’s as if I’m helpless to her, like she holds all the power and I hold none. Yet in those moments of powerlessness, I am completely vulnerable to her but feel entirely safe because she is loving me. All of these feelings are amplified when we connect physically. Every way she responds to me, whether it’s a kiss or a touch or a noise, makes me want to give more of myself.”
“And when she touches you?” Carlisle pressed.
“I admit it’s harder to control myself when she touches me. There’s something in our physical connection that is unfettered and primitive, and yet it provides tranquility and calm at the same time. Her touch centers me and brings me back to myself, to the moment, and at the same time it lights me on fire. And on top of that I’m apprehensive, afraid to show her too much and scare her away. She cares little that my skin is cold and hard compared to hers for instance, and I don’t understand why it doesn’t bother her, but I’m grateful nonetheless.”
“Do you think she suspects what you are?”
“I don’t know what to think. She notices everything Carlisle, tiny insignificant things that no other human is quick enough to notice. I can’t pretend to understand why our differences don’t matter to her except to assume that she loves me enough not to care.” His mental tone shifted to worry as he considered what Bella’s motivations might be. “I know it makes little sense and that I shouldn’t base my relationship on assumptions.”
“I don’t know if I’d go as far as saying you’re basing your relationship on assumptions. You obviously care for her very much and I believe she loves you too if she can look past the obvious physical differences between you and her. And as far as why she looks past them, her love for you might very well be the driving force. I have to ask though…” He paused, shuffling his thoughts carefully to find the right words to express his worry. “Do you think she has a right to know what you are before she deepens her relationship with you?” I didn’t know the answer to that. I knew I wanted her to know, even if I couldn’t tell her. I knew that I wanted it not to matter to her, even though it should and likely would. I knew more than anything else I wanted her happiness.
“She loves me, and what I am is part of who I am. I don’t want to know if she couldn’t love that part of me,” I whispered wistfully. “Is it so wrong to just want to hold on to her for as long as I can.”
“The longer you are with her, the more likely she is to notice your differences. Every day she changes, unlike you…” He was trying to delicately lead me down a path I was not prepared to go down. “Have you considered…”
Bella’s voice roused me from my preoccupation. “Are you coming?”
“Coming?” I wondered.
“Class is over. Didn’t you hear the bell?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“What were you so deep in thought about?”
“My conversation with my Father from last night,” I admitted honestly.
“I thought you said that conversation made you happy?”
“It did.” I smiled at her, but I don’t think she was convinced.
“You don’t look happy,” she challenged.
“That’s because I have to give you back for an hour,” I teased lightly. “Would you like to do something after school?”
“Yes,” she smiled. “That is if I make through the next hour with Mike. I wonder how his lip is doing?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the self-satisfied smirk on her face.
“Can I walk you to class?”
“Like you have a choice!”
We walked in silence and I replayed my Father’s words in my head. ‘I think as long as you’re cautious and take things slowly, you have nothing to worry about. I don’t see any problems with a loving physical relationship between you and Bella, just as long as you consider her feelings with regard to what and who you are.’ It was a subtle warning that wasn’t lost on me. Would Bella still want to be with me, would she still love me if she knew I was a vampire? There was no easy answer to that question.
My hand came up to stroke her cheek once we reached the gym doors. “I’ll miss you,” I whispered.
“Kiss me?” she murmured. I leaned into her body and softly kissed her lips, with a hundred different emotions crashing down on me. Was it selfish of me to hide my true nature from the woman I loved to protect her? Was I truly trying to protect her, or myself?
“I love you. I’ll see you in a hour.”
“An hour,” she agreed. I watched her leave, waiting for the door to close behind her before I left for Spanish.
Just like Bella, there were parts of me that were broken. These shattered pieces of the whole had a part in shaping me into the person I had become, parts I despised, parts I wished I could change or ignore the existence of, the monster. He rejoiced in the notion that Bella would never truly be mine, believing that she was incapable of loving a fiend. But against all odds, she did love me. If she knew the monster existed, could she look past him, love him as a part of the whole, as I loved the broken parts in her? The hope born of her easy acceptance of my gift made me believe that she could, but it warred with my reality. Even I couldn’t accept what I was, not with any degree of regard. I loathed the monster that lived inside me, that defined what I was as strongly as loving Bella defined me. How could I expect someone, even someone as special and amazing as Bella, to look past what I could not?
I had too many questions, and most with no certain answers. The only certainty that existed was my love for Bella. It would not change through time and space. Long after she was gone, my love for her would remain. The uncertainty of everything else was overwhelming. Was I willing to risk what I had with her to tell her what I was? She had a right to know. Was I willing to break the only rule of my kind to tell her the truth and put her in grave danger? Or was my fear for her safety simply an excuse to keep my nature hidden so that I might keep her in my life? When it came right down to it, what I feared more than anything else was losing her. Perhaps I was little more than a selfish coward?
It was clear to me that Carlisle was right. I had to determine Bella’s feelings on what I was before I let things between us become any more physical. The question that I needed an answer to was simple on the surface - was it more important that she loves who I am or what I am?
A/N: *sighs*
Such a heavy question in Edward’s brain.
And in mine.
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