Out of Choices - Chapter 13
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 13: Ignorance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,618
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Bella's POV...
13. Ignorance
I was sure I was dead. Everything hurt, from my eyelashes to my toenails. I had no desire to open my eyes, sure I would find myself tucked neatly into a coffin wearing some fucking ugly dress that I’d have never willingly put on unless I was dead. I had to be dead. It was impossible to hurt this much and still be alive, of that much I was sure. I slowly opened one eyelid. The drab light that filtered through the curtains from the sunless sky burned my eyes and made my head pound. I shuddered to think about what bright sunlight would feel like. I wasn’t dead, so I concluded must be on my deathbed, in the final moments of my life, waiting for the grim reaper to come and get me. What the hell was wrong with me?
And then I remembered - six bottles of orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods, in probably 60 minutes of time. I decided I had to rename it - orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods that makes you feel like ass the next day. In fact, I think I felt worse than ass. Ass would have been an improvement over how I felt.
My head was pounding and there would be no getting rid of the pain without taking something for it. I gingerly sat myself up. The whole room shifted and my stomach lurched. I hated puking, with a passion. And I had just thrown up yesterday, so I begged the universe to stop the gagging and promised to feel like shit for the whole day as penance for my stupidity in lieu of the puking. I stumbled to the bathroom and found some acetaminophen in the medicine cabinet for my head. The cool water from the tap felt good in my mouth.
I peeked into Charlie’s room but he was already gone. It was Saturday and I knew he had plans to fish with a couple of his buddies. I was glad for his absence. I didn’t need a witness to my hangover. And it’s not that I didn’t deserve the very stern and serious lecture he would have given me, it’s just that I didn’t want to fucking hear it. Because I needed to forget the rest of the world existed last night. It’s not every day a girl falls in love for the first time…with a boy who is perfect in every way…who hates her…who she has zero chance of a future with. Or maybe it was? But it wasn’t for me.
I plodded downstairs to find something to drink. I briefly considered breakfast but decided not to risk it. I would sacrifice my Cheerios to the gods of puking in lieu of their blessing, or as a sign of good faith to them, or whatever it was that would make them look positively on me and keep me from not tossing my cookies.
I sat down at the kitchen table with my glass of water, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them to hold my legs to my chest. The sight of my truck at the curb caught my attention through the window and I felt my stomach churn again. How the fuck was my truck here? That’s when I realized I had no fucking idea how I got home last night? The last thing I could clearly remember was hallucinating Edward in the middle of the goddamn forest with me, drinkologically speaking of course. But how the hell did I get home? Normally I would have just passed out right there and woken up with twigs and shit in my hair. But I never drove drunk. Never. I could be as big a dumbass as the next teenager with my own life but I would never drive drunk. So who the hell brought me home?
I ran through the list of possible candidates. It was short. Super fucking short. And that would be because I had no friends and liked it that way. Still I’d seen a few familiar faces - Mike, Angela - okay two familiar faces. Maybe Alice had shown up after the fact and driven me home? Of course she would have had to find me first since I was in the middle of the freaking forest. Or maybe I’d wandered back to the party? God I hoped I hadn’t done that. I would say anything when I was drunk. It was painfully embarrassing. I would just go on and on with complete candour and zero tact - total fucking verbal diarrhea. My mind flooded with all the horrible possibilities. Friday was definitely the worst fucking day ever! And though I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out the events of last night, I still could not remember how I got home.
I spent the day catching up on laundry and cleaning and pretty much avoiding anything and everything that had to do with the outside world. I also took a really long hangover-induced-crappy-sleep nap because well, I’d slept like crap because I was drunk. Sunday was wasted on homework and perhaps more cleaning that I’d already fucking done but did again anyway to avoid Charlie. He was in a rare sharing mood, offering me every opportunity to tell him all the details of the day-to-day shit of my life. I’d told him there was nothing to tell but I don’t think he believed me. Was I that fucking transparent that even Charlie had picked up on my stupid ass fall for Edward too? I was actually looking forward to Monday and getting back to school to get away from his questions and that was just really friggen wrong. Forks was not good for me. It was just more proof.
On my way out the door Monday morning I shoved my hand into the pocket of my raincoat for my keys but came up empty. I went back into the house and searched the table in the entryway, the kitchen counter and even the laundry room. They were nowhere to be found. I tore my backpack apart. No keys. I questioned Charlie thinking maybe he’d borrowed them for something and he assured me he hadn’t. So where the fuck had I put them? I grabbed the extra set in frustration and left with a grumble. It wasn’t like me to misplace things. I was beginning to think that falling in love had completely fried my brain.
I pulled into the lot at school irritated and frustrated, running through places where I might have set my keys down, not really paying attention to anything around me while I parked the truck. Edward’s silver Volvo caught my eye when I stretched to grab my backpack, parked just a few spots down from mine. He was leaned back against the car, one leg bent with his foot resting on the car door looking every bit the relaxed gorgeous prick that he was. I started up the sidewalk after locking up the truck and he was fucking openly staring at me with his smug little lopsided smirk, not the least bit embarrassed by his behaviour or trying to hide it.
“Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck,” I yelled. That’s what I would have yelled at him last week if he’d done that. No need to change my behaviour just because I fell in love with the asshole.
His expression warped in the strangest fucking way. Almost like confusion. I laughed out loud and kept walking. It wasn’t my fault if he couldn’t understand plain English.
I had no idea what I was going to say to him in biology and still hadn’t figured anything out by the time lunch arrived. I grabbed an apple and a bottle of water and headed to a little used table off to the side of the cafeteria, not in the fucking mood to put up with the inane chatter of the regular crowd I sat with. I was too worried about fucking up in biology to make small talk. I opened my textbook and pretended to read while I pondered what the hell I should say to Edward. A tray slid onto the table across from me.
“Bella, you got us a table.” Joy was practically effusing from him.
“No Mike. I got me a table.” I hoped he could hear the emphasis in my words.
“You don’t wanna sit alone do you?” I’m sure he intended his tone to be sweet and sincere and for it probably to be hard to say no to. Poor Mike, ever the Jack Russell chasing his tail.
“No actually I do, thus the table by myself,” I explained. “Hey Mike did you have fun with Jessica on Friday night?”
He looked at me surprised. “Ah…yeah…I guess so. How did you find out about that? Did Jessica tell you?”
“I think everyone knows,” I offered cruelly and dishonestly. Then again, given Jessica’s gigantic mouth everyone probably did know. If you make out with a slut who had a penchant for gossiping, people are going to find out.
“Shit,” he mumbled, scooping his tray. “I’d better go do some damage control. See you around Bella.”
I nodded and smiled to myself as he left. Like candy to a baby.
So how was I going to handle the whole Edward thing? First I had the embarrassing look at him and blush problem. And of course there was the all-consuming, pesky in love with him problem. And not to be out done, the problem that the last time I’d spoken to him he’d told me he didn’t want to be friends with me after pegging me pretty damn accurately with some painful but truthful character assessments. At this point it would have just been easier to cut biology for the rest of the semester and take the fail. An ‘f’ on my transcripts had to be better than facing him day after day. I was a strong girl but rejection kind of grows old after a few dozen encounters.
“Hi Bella.”
I lifted my head at the familiar voice. “Hi Alice. What are you doing over here? Still worried about me from Friday?” I wondered.
She smiled, brightly and genuinely. “No. I just wanted to say hi…see how you were doing…if you had a good weekend?”
“Pretty boring really,” I assured her. She seemed confused by my answer. “What?”
“Oh nothing,” she offered, “nothing. I’ll see you later.” She whirled around on her heel and headed off towards the table that she shared with her family. I watched her leave and noticed Edward staring at me again. I could feel the blush starting, the little sparkles of stinging the predisposed the flash of colour. I shot him the finger and looked down. Fuck you Edward. Fuck you and your perfectness and your friggen perfect family and my goddamn blushing instinct that I can’t get a hold of. Fuck you all.
Biology was going to be like a firing squad. I may as well get it over with. I dumped my food and stalked off to class. No time like the present to get your ass riddled with bullets. I sat down and laid my head on my arms and waited to be killed.
“Hello.”
His voice startled me out of my wallowing. I looked up at him and waited for the comment that would inevitably follow - my full name, some crappy comment about my life or some such fuckery. I waited and waited but he said nothing.
“Hi.” It came out sounding all defeated and shit. I needed to stop wallowing and work harder not to sound so fucking desperate.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” His casual inquiry seemed really misplaced, especially given the harsh words we’d parted on.
“Does it matter?”
“In hindsight I suppose there isn’t much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter.” Leave it to Edward to find a way to negate what I said.
“Why does it matter?” It shouldn’t matter and we both knew that.
“It’s polite conversation Bella. It’s what friends talk about.” I could hear the tiniest amount of petulance in his voice as he worked to sound casual.
“You said you didn’t want to be friends,” I reminded him. Remember Friday? The stab and dash - me with my secrets on display for all to see and you running away?
“Yes...well…” His voice trailed off and I waited for him to turn on me and point out it was my fault. I picked the fight and I doubted that he would let it go without pointing that out to me. “I never said that I didn’t want to be friends and I’m sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear.”
Rude? That’s the best you can fucking do? You make me fall in love with you and then call me out and rude is the best you can do? You don’t know from rude!
“You didn’t hurt my feelings,” I lied. “I’m a lot tougher than a few insults.”
“I’m sure you are.”
His voice was sincere and it made me want to slap him. Since I was pretty sure Mr. Banner wouldn’t want me to start a brawl I did the next best thing and picked a fight, subtly of course. Edward hated any statement that wasn’t full disclosure and I used that fact to my advantage.
“You’re not fooling me Cullen.”
“I’m sure I’m not, nor was I trying to.” He didn’t even sniff at the bone I’d dropped in his lap. His voice was as unaffected as I’d ever heard it and it irked me.
“Then why are you agreeing with everything I’m saying?” I prodded with a cold glare.
“Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?” he offered politely.
“No,” I spat, “and I’m sure we don’t.”
“You might be surprised.” He was quietly confident that he was correct, not the least bit put off by my anger.
“Like what Cullen?”
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?”
What a strange trio of shit to put together! I looked at him in complete misunderstanding. Was this his attempt to get to know me? Or was he making some kind of veiled insult that I just didn’t understand? Maybe he was taking a shot at my truck or telling me he thought I was a slob.
“You’re seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends.”
“I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we’ll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we’d have no commonality. It’s something, don’t you think?” The change in his demeanour was startling compared to last week. He was patient and calm and undaunted, like he was so confident in himself that he could not be provoked.
“I don’t know what.” I tried to make it sound I like I thought his statement was fucking ridiculous but even I could he hear my confusion. Could he?
“Yes, but still something,” he said decisively with a smile. “Do you like to dance Bella?”
“No,” I blurted. “I don’t dance.”
“That’s a pity really. It can be quite intoxicating with the right partner.”
I shot him a glare wondering what the fuck he was getting at. I’d already told him I didn’t dance.
“I’m sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You’re turning all the girl’s heads.”
“No more heads than you’re turning Bella. You’d be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you.”
“How would you know?”
“People are easy to read,” he smirked and then corrected himself. “Well, most people.”
“So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?” I wanted to change the subject away from me.
“Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family.”
“And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?”
“No, I got it out of my system before we left.”
What the fuck was that supposed to mean? And then suddenly I understood. He must have a girlfriend.
“And here I thought you’d never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?”
He smiled again, complacently. “No, she’s not a model.”
My face fell. I tried to hide it but I don’t think I did a very good job. “A University student then because we both know you’d never date anyone in the student body here.”
“No University student,” he assured me.
“You’re dating a high school student?” I feigned horror while I stole as much information as I could from him.
“We’re not dating right now. Just dancing.” The smile never left his face.
“Poor girl. She’s probably got her heart set on you and you’re just going to leave her in the dust.”
“Quite the contrary actually. I don’t think her heart is set at all.”
“Then maybe she has time to get away from you.”
“Maybe.”
“Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning.”
He laughed quietly and it made my stomach flutter and that made me exceedingly angry. The blushing was bad enough. I didn’t need other parts of my body mutinying.
“I don’t kiss and tell Bella.” And he laughed again, harder, at some private joke that I didn’t understand.
The idea of him kissing someone made me feel like shit. Just like I figured, this whole loving him crap was going to make it impossible for me to be my regular self with him and it was going to make his insensitive comments sting like a son of a bitch. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
“A gentleman never does.”
I shot him a disgusted look and turned away from him to finish the lab. I’d given him too much attention already. I was only making it harder on myself by encouraging his bullshit. I would do better tomorrow now that I knew what to expect from him.
“Did you really expect me to tell you?” he whispered pointedly.
I did my best to ignore him although I was dying to call him on it. Maybe he was embarrassed of her or she was as ugly as a horse’s ass or dumb as a post?
“Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?” he wondered quietly, his tone punctuated with a hint of disgust. If he only knew what I thought he’d have never posed the question. He’d be too busy running for the hills. No, honest and I weren’t friends when it came to dealing with Edward Cullen. Honest and I made a three-way with reality though. And where Edward was involved, honesty kept me firmly grounded in reality and made sure I knew that hope could never join the party.
I bolted when the bell rang. Only Edward could make the prospect of gym seem like a treat. It wasn’t at treat of course, only mildly better than say having a tooth pulled but at least I had some inspiration for the pass drills. I pictured the face of Edward’s perfect model girlfriend and shoved the ball at her ugly fucking mug with all my strength. And eventually I got benched for roughness because my class was full of wussies, and my outlet for my irritation was discontinued. All the gloom and misery of Edward kissing someone else descended on me again so I sat there and daydreamed every girl on the court an STD to cheer myself. I had a sick mind and I never said I didn’t.
Today was my last day with Alice. I didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand it was great to have my afternoons back but I also lost my closest link to Edward. And if I was being honest which I was rather tired of being today, I liked her. Not that we were friends or anything, more that I didn’t hate her. And she made me laugh. And she was pretty freaking nice to me on the shittiest day in the history of shitty days, also known as Friday. Ok fine we were friends. Goddamn it. Now I needed two people, and from the same friggen family. Was I a stupid fuck or what?
Alice was already waiting for me, looking rather impatient for my arrival.
“Where have you been?” she accused.
“Changing out of my stinky fucking gym clothes. I didn’t realize we were on a strict schedule,” I complained.
“So?” she wondered.
“So?” I repeated, shaking my head at her and waiting for the punch line.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Bella!” she scolded.
“Alice I don’t have a friggen idea what you’re getting at.”
“Seriously?”
“Dead fucking seriously Alice. And I’ve had a crappy day. So why don’t you just spit out whatever the fuck you want to ask because I’m in no fucking mood to guess?”
“I don’t think I should say anything,” she mumbled.
“Oh come on!” I yelled, totally fucking irritated. “You can’t just say that and not tell me. Are you trying to make me lose my fucking mind?”
“It’s not my secret to tell Bella,” she asserted.
I really didn’t give a shit who’s secret it was. “Well you obviously know the secret so just spill.”
“He really didn’t tell you anything?” she wondered, surprised.
“Who didn’t tell me anything?” I asked, but then it sank in. Edward. “No he didn’t tell me anything. Come on Alice!!!” I begged.
“I can’t Bella. It’s not my secret.”
“Yeah, not yours to tell, just yours to rub in and hold over me.”
“I would never do that Bella. It’s just that he has to tell you…when he’s ready I guess…and I guess he’s not ready.”
“Not ready for what?” This was so goddamn frustrating.
“Did he give you something today?” she asked.
“No, nothing,” I assured her.
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I’m sorry Bella, I can’t…”
“Can’t or wont?”
“Are you sure he didn’t say anything? Like maybe some little comment that maybe seemed strange at the time?”
I searched my mind for some hint. Edward was constantly evasive with me, and me with him, so what could he have said today that was somehow different, not evasive but subtle or suggestive? Nothing glaringly stuck out because he’d said a lot of strange things to me, like the comment about opinions we might have in common. What had he said - driving or dancing or making a bed? He seemed so sure that we had some opinions in common too, like it was a fact or some shit. And then out of nowhere he asked me if I liked to dance, which seemed like a really fucking strange thing to ask me in hindsight. After that our conversation shifted to his girlfriend. He hadn’t come right out and said she was a high school student but he sure as hell intimated it. And then he told me he didn’t kiss and tell. But none of that shit applied to me. I looked up at Alice completely confused. She was looking back at me like she was willing me the secret silently.
“Your brother said all kinds of shit to me today Alice but none of it has anything to do with me, some shit about someone he was dating and bullshit about him not kissing and telling.” Her eyes widened a little but she remained silent. “Something about dancing with her.” Alice’s eyes dropped to the table. “And some stupid crap about us having the same opinions on driving and dancing and making a bed.” Alice wouldn’t look at me. I had it all there in front of me but I couldn’t put the pieces together. Why the fuck couldn’t I put the pieces together? The only reason I could think of was that I didn’t have all the pieces, and the only reason for that would have been because I wasn’t paying attention. And I always paid attention… except when I was drunk, like I’d been on Friday night. I had a big block of time from that night that made no sense at all, in particular how I’d gotten home and how my truck landed up parked in front of my house.
I reached out and grabbed Alice’s shoulder and shook it a bit. “Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?”
She shook her head, still not meeting my gaze.
I couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together because I was too fucking drunk to remember them. And there was only one reason Alice would know anything about that if she didn’t drive me home.
“Alice,” I spoke her name in a hollow whisper as an explanation for Friday night that I had not considered began to take shape. “I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?”
She nodded in agreement. I got up, a bit unsteady on my feet but forced myself to move. I had to know. I walked to the parking lot and out the doors, straight towards the Volvo. There were no words that I would believe from him, no version of the story that I would take as axiom. There was only one thing that would give me the proof I was after before I would put one iota of belief into the story. I began to feel panicked as I reached the driver’s side door. I didn’t trust my voice or know what to say so I held my hand out, palm up and waited. The window rolled down. My gaze stayed fixed on my palm, I couldn’t look at his face. Edward’s hand reached out and dropped my truck keys into my hand. My eyes widened but stayed locked on my keys as my body froze. It just wasn’t possible. After what seemed like an eternity I raised my eyes to Edward’s face. His smug smile was absent, as was any sign of the pompous prick that I had labelled him as for my own sanity. His expression was full of concern…for me.
“But how did you…” I couldn’t choke the rest of the question out. My throat closed up and prevented any further words.
“Bella, I…” he began solemnly.
I shook my head. This could not be happening. Of all the people on Earth for me to run across drunk it had to be him?
“Please let me finish,” he petitioned softly.
I put my hand up to tell him stop. I didn’t want to hear his explanations. My mind flooded with all of the embarrassing and personal things I could have said to him. I turned and ran for my truck.
“Bella, wait!” I heard him yell after me. “Please!”
I slammed the door behind me and started the truck, grateful for the deafening roar of the engine that drowned out his voice. Before I could pull away he was tapping on my window. I ignored him and gunned the engine. It was better I knew nothing. The truth could only hurt me. I slammed the truck into gear and took off before he could stop me.
Chapter 13: Ignorance (Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,618
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Bella's POV...
13. Ignorance
I was sure I was dead. Everything hurt, from my eyelashes to my toenails. I had no desire to open my eyes, sure I would find myself tucked neatly into a coffin wearing some fucking ugly dress that I’d have never willingly put on unless I was dead. I had to be dead. It was impossible to hurt this much and still be alive, of that much I was sure. I slowly opened one eyelid. The drab light that filtered through the curtains from the sunless sky burned my eyes and made my head pound. I shuddered to think about what bright sunlight would feel like. I wasn’t dead, so I concluded must be on my deathbed, in the final moments of my life, waiting for the grim reaper to come and get me. What the hell was wrong with me?
And then I remembered - six bottles of orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods, in probably 60 minutes of time. I decided I had to rename it - orangey delicious numb-your-soul nectar of the gods that makes you feel like ass the next day. In fact, I think I felt worse than ass. Ass would have been an improvement over how I felt.
My head was pounding and there would be no getting rid of the pain without taking something for it. I gingerly sat myself up. The whole room shifted and my stomach lurched. I hated puking, with a passion. And I had just thrown up yesterday, so I begged the universe to stop the gagging and promised to feel like shit for the whole day as penance for my stupidity in lieu of the puking. I stumbled to the bathroom and found some acetaminophen in the medicine cabinet for my head. The cool water from the tap felt good in my mouth.
I peeked into Charlie’s room but he was already gone. It was Saturday and I knew he had plans to fish with a couple of his buddies. I was glad for his absence. I didn’t need a witness to my hangover. And it’s not that I didn’t deserve the very stern and serious lecture he would have given me, it’s just that I didn’t want to fucking hear it. Because I needed to forget the rest of the world existed last night. It’s not every day a girl falls in love for the first time…with a boy who is perfect in every way…who hates her…who she has zero chance of a future with. Or maybe it was? But it wasn’t for me.
I plodded downstairs to find something to drink. I briefly considered breakfast but decided not to risk it. I would sacrifice my Cheerios to the gods of puking in lieu of their blessing, or as a sign of good faith to them, or whatever it was that would make them look positively on me and keep me from not tossing my cookies.
I sat down at the kitchen table with my glass of water, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them to hold my legs to my chest. The sight of my truck at the curb caught my attention through the window and I felt my stomach churn again. How the fuck was my truck here? That’s when I realized I had no fucking idea how I got home last night? The last thing I could clearly remember was hallucinating Edward in the middle of the goddamn forest with me, drinkologically speaking of course. But how the hell did I get home? Normally I would have just passed out right there and woken up with twigs and shit in my hair. But I never drove drunk. Never. I could be as big a dumbass as the next teenager with my own life but I would never drive drunk. So who the hell brought me home?
I ran through the list of possible candidates. It was short. Super fucking short. And that would be because I had no friends and liked it that way. Still I’d seen a few familiar faces - Mike, Angela - okay two familiar faces. Maybe Alice had shown up after the fact and driven me home? Of course she would have had to find me first since I was in the middle of the freaking forest. Or maybe I’d wandered back to the party? God I hoped I hadn’t done that. I would say anything when I was drunk. It was painfully embarrassing. I would just go on and on with complete candour and zero tact - total fucking verbal diarrhea. My mind flooded with all the horrible possibilities. Friday was definitely the worst fucking day ever! And though I spent a good deal of time trying to figure out the events of last night, I still could not remember how I got home.
I spent the day catching up on laundry and cleaning and pretty much avoiding anything and everything that had to do with the outside world. I also took a really long hangover-induced-crappy-sleep nap because well, I’d slept like crap because I was drunk. Sunday was wasted on homework and perhaps more cleaning that I’d already fucking done but did again anyway to avoid Charlie. He was in a rare sharing mood, offering me every opportunity to tell him all the details of the day-to-day shit of my life. I’d told him there was nothing to tell but I don’t think he believed me. Was I that fucking transparent that even Charlie had picked up on my stupid ass fall for Edward too? I was actually looking forward to Monday and getting back to school to get away from his questions and that was just really friggen wrong. Forks was not good for me. It was just more proof.
On my way out the door Monday morning I shoved my hand into the pocket of my raincoat for my keys but came up empty. I went back into the house and searched the table in the entryway, the kitchen counter and even the laundry room. They were nowhere to be found. I tore my backpack apart. No keys. I questioned Charlie thinking maybe he’d borrowed them for something and he assured me he hadn’t. So where the fuck had I put them? I grabbed the extra set in frustration and left with a grumble. It wasn’t like me to misplace things. I was beginning to think that falling in love had completely fried my brain.
I pulled into the lot at school irritated and frustrated, running through places where I might have set my keys down, not really paying attention to anything around me while I parked the truck. Edward’s silver Volvo caught my eye when I stretched to grab my backpack, parked just a few spots down from mine. He was leaned back against the car, one leg bent with his foot resting on the car door looking every bit the relaxed gorgeous prick that he was. I started up the sidewalk after locking up the truck and he was fucking openly staring at me with his smug little lopsided smirk, not the least bit embarrassed by his behaviour or trying to hide it.
“Shake your fucking head Cullen. Your eyes are stuck,” I yelled. That’s what I would have yelled at him last week if he’d done that. No need to change my behaviour just because I fell in love with the asshole.
His expression warped in the strangest fucking way. Almost like confusion. I laughed out loud and kept walking. It wasn’t my fault if he couldn’t understand plain English.
I had no idea what I was going to say to him in biology and still hadn’t figured anything out by the time lunch arrived. I grabbed an apple and a bottle of water and headed to a little used table off to the side of the cafeteria, not in the fucking mood to put up with the inane chatter of the regular crowd I sat with. I was too worried about fucking up in biology to make small talk. I opened my textbook and pretended to read while I pondered what the hell I should say to Edward. A tray slid onto the table across from me.
“Bella, you got us a table.” Joy was practically effusing from him.
“No Mike. I got me a table.” I hoped he could hear the emphasis in my words.
“You don’t wanna sit alone do you?” I’m sure he intended his tone to be sweet and sincere and for it probably to be hard to say no to. Poor Mike, ever the Jack Russell chasing his tail.
“No actually I do, thus the table by myself,” I explained. “Hey Mike did you have fun with Jessica on Friday night?”
He looked at me surprised. “Ah…yeah…I guess so. How did you find out about that? Did Jessica tell you?”
“I think everyone knows,” I offered cruelly and dishonestly. Then again, given Jessica’s gigantic mouth everyone probably did know. If you make out with a slut who had a penchant for gossiping, people are going to find out.
“Shit,” he mumbled, scooping his tray. “I’d better go do some damage control. See you around Bella.”
I nodded and smiled to myself as he left. Like candy to a baby.
So how was I going to handle the whole Edward thing? First I had the embarrassing look at him and blush problem. And of course there was the all-consuming, pesky in love with him problem. And not to be out done, the problem that the last time I’d spoken to him he’d told me he didn’t want to be friends with me after pegging me pretty damn accurately with some painful but truthful character assessments. At this point it would have just been easier to cut biology for the rest of the semester and take the fail. An ‘f’ on my transcripts had to be better than facing him day after day. I was a strong girl but rejection kind of grows old after a few dozen encounters.
“Hi Bella.”
I lifted my head at the familiar voice. “Hi Alice. What are you doing over here? Still worried about me from Friday?” I wondered.
She smiled, brightly and genuinely. “No. I just wanted to say hi…see how you were doing…if you had a good weekend?”
“Pretty boring really,” I assured her. She seemed confused by my answer. “What?”
“Oh nothing,” she offered, “nothing. I’ll see you later.” She whirled around on her heel and headed off towards the table that she shared with her family. I watched her leave and noticed Edward staring at me again. I could feel the blush starting, the little sparkles of stinging the predisposed the flash of colour. I shot him the finger and looked down. Fuck you Edward. Fuck you and your perfectness and your friggen perfect family and my goddamn blushing instinct that I can’t get a hold of. Fuck you all.
Biology was going to be like a firing squad. I may as well get it over with. I dumped my food and stalked off to class. No time like the present to get your ass riddled with bullets. I sat down and laid my head on my arms and waited to be killed.
“Hello.”
His voice startled me out of my wallowing. I looked up at him and waited for the comment that would inevitably follow - my full name, some crappy comment about my life or some such fuckery. I waited and waited but he said nothing.
“Hi.” It came out sounding all defeated and shit. I needed to stop wallowing and work harder not to sound so fucking desperate.
“Did you have a nice weekend?” His casual inquiry seemed really misplaced, especially given the harsh words we’d parted on.
“Does it matter?”
“In hindsight I suppose there isn’t much that can be done to change it, but yes, I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter.” Leave it to Edward to find a way to negate what I said.
“Why does it matter?” It shouldn’t matter and we both knew that.
“It’s polite conversation Bella. It’s what friends talk about.” I could hear the tiniest amount of petulance in his voice as he worked to sound casual.
“You said you didn’t want to be friends,” I reminded him. Remember Friday? The stab and dash - me with my secrets on display for all to see and you running away?
“Yes...well…” His voice trailed off and I waited for him to turn on me and point out it was my fault. I picked the fight and I doubted that he would let it go without pointing that out to me. “I never said that I didn’t want to be friends and I’m sorry if what I said on Friday hurt your feelings. It was rude of me to speak so candidly and then disappear.”
Rude? That’s the best you can fucking do? You make me fall in love with you and then call me out and rude is the best you can do? You don’t know from rude!
“You didn’t hurt my feelings,” I lied. “I’m a lot tougher than a few insults.”
“I’m sure you are.”
His voice was sincere and it made me want to slap him. Since I was pretty sure Mr. Banner wouldn’t want me to start a brawl I did the next best thing and picked a fight, subtly of course. Edward hated any statement that wasn’t full disclosure and I used that fact to my advantage.
“You’re not fooling me Cullen.”
“I’m sure I’m not, nor was I trying to.” He didn’t even sniff at the bone I’d dropped in his lap. His voice was as unaffected as I’d ever heard it and it irked me.
“Then why are you agreeing with everything I’m saying?” I prodded with a cold glare.
“Has it never occurred to you that you and I might have the same opinions on some things?” he offered politely.
“No,” I spat, “and I’m sure we don’t.”
“You might be surprised.” He was quietly confident that he was correct, not the least bit put off by my anger.
“Like what Cullen?”
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe driving…or dancing…or the proper way to make a bed?”
What a strange trio of shit to put together! I looked at him in complete misunderstanding. Was this his attempt to get to know me? Or was he making some kind of veiled insult that I just didn’t understand? Maybe he was taking a shot at my truck or telling me he thought I was a slob.
“You’re seriously weirding me out here Edward. And if those are the things we share opinions on then I think we are pretty much never going to be friends.”
“I was merely giving you examples. I suppose in the course of sharing our microscope we’ll stumble on to things we have in common, like our music for instance. I was genuinely surprised at how many artists we had in common on our playlists. Honestly, I figured we’d have no commonality. It’s something, don’t you think?” The change in his demeanour was startling compared to last week. He was patient and calm and undaunted, like he was so confident in himself that he could not be provoked.
“I don’t know what.” I tried to make it sound I like I thought his statement was fucking ridiculous but even I could he hear my confusion. Could he?
“Yes, but still something,” he said decisively with a smile. “Do you like to dance Bella?”
“No,” I blurted. “I don’t dance.”
“That’s a pity really. It can be quite intoxicating with the right partner.”
I shot him a glare wondering what the fuck he was getting at. I’d already told him I didn’t dance.
“I’m sure they are lining up to dance with you Edward. You’re turning all the girl’s heads.”
“No more heads than you’re turning Bella. You’d be surprised at how many boys would like to dance with you.”
“How would you know?”
“People are easy to read,” he smirked and then corrected himself. “Well, most people.”
“So what about you Edward? Did you have a good weekend?” I wanted to change the subject away from me.
“Yes, thank you. I went camping with my family.”
“And did you do a lot of dancing when you were camping?”
“No, I got it out of my system before we left.”
What the fuck was that supposed to mean? And then suddenly I understood. He must have a girlfriend.
“And here I thought you’d never come across anyone that you found better looking than you find yourself. Did you get a pretty little model for you arm?”
He smiled again, complacently. “No, she’s not a model.”
My face fell. I tried to hide it but I don’t think I did a very good job. “A University student then because we both know you’d never date anyone in the student body here.”
“No University student,” he assured me.
“You’re dating a high school student?” I feigned horror while I stole as much information as I could from him.
“We’re not dating right now. Just dancing.” The smile never left his face.
“Poor girl. She’s probably got her heart set on you and you’re just going to leave her in the dust.”
“Quite the contrary actually. I don’t think her heart is set at all.”
“Then maybe she has time to get away from you.”
“Maybe.”
“Well who is she Cullen? I would be happy to give her a warning.”
He laughed quietly and it made my stomach flutter and that made me exceedingly angry. The blushing was bad enough. I didn’t need other parts of my body mutinying.
“I don’t kiss and tell Bella.” And he laughed again, harder, at some private joke that I didn’t understand.
The idea of him kissing someone made me feel like shit. Just like I figured, this whole loving him crap was going to make it impossible for me to be my regular self with him and it was going to make his insensitive comments sting like a son of a bitch. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore.
“A gentleman never does.”
I shot him a disgusted look and turned away from him to finish the lab. I’d given him too much attention already. I was only making it harder on myself by encouraging his bullshit. I would do better tomorrow now that I knew what to expect from him.
“Did you really expect me to tell you?” he whispered pointedly.
I did my best to ignore him although I was dying to call him on it. Maybe he was embarrassed of her or she was as ugly as a horse’s ass or dumb as a post?
“Honestly Bella, what must you think of me?” he wondered quietly, his tone punctuated with a hint of disgust. If he only knew what I thought he’d have never posed the question. He’d be too busy running for the hills. No, honest and I weren’t friends when it came to dealing with Edward Cullen. Honest and I made a three-way with reality though. And where Edward was involved, honesty kept me firmly grounded in reality and made sure I knew that hope could never join the party.
I bolted when the bell rang. Only Edward could make the prospect of gym seem like a treat. It wasn’t at treat of course, only mildly better than say having a tooth pulled but at least I had some inspiration for the pass drills. I pictured the face of Edward’s perfect model girlfriend and shoved the ball at her ugly fucking mug with all my strength. And eventually I got benched for roughness because my class was full of wussies, and my outlet for my irritation was discontinued. All the gloom and misery of Edward kissing someone else descended on me again so I sat there and daydreamed every girl on the court an STD to cheer myself. I had a sick mind and I never said I didn’t.
Today was my last day with Alice. I didn’t know how to feel about it. On one hand it was great to have my afternoons back but I also lost my closest link to Edward. And if I was being honest which I was rather tired of being today, I liked her. Not that we were friends or anything, more that I didn’t hate her. And she made me laugh. And she was pretty freaking nice to me on the shittiest day in the history of shitty days, also known as Friday. Ok fine we were friends. Goddamn it. Now I needed two people, and from the same friggen family. Was I a stupid fuck or what?
Alice was already waiting for me, looking rather impatient for my arrival.
“Where have you been?” she accused.
“Changing out of my stinky fucking gym clothes. I didn’t realize we were on a strict schedule,” I complained.
“So?” she wondered.
“So?” I repeated, shaking my head at her and waiting for the punch line.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Bella!” she scolded.
“Alice I don’t have a friggen idea what you’re getting at.”
“Seriously?”
“Dead fucking seriously Alice. And I’ve had a crappy day. So why don’t you just spit out whatever the fuck you want to ask because I’m in no fucking mood to guess?”
“I don’t think I should say anything,” she mumbled.
“Oh come on!” I yelled, totally fucking irritated. “You can’t just say that and not tell me. Are you trying to make me lose my fucking mind?”
“It’s not my secret to tell Bella,” she asserted.
I really didn’t give a shit who’s secret it was. “Well you obviously know the secret so just spill.”
“He really didn’t tell you anything?” she wondered, surprised.
“Who didn’t tell me anything?” I asked, but then it sank in. Edward. “No he didn’t tell me anything. Come on Alice!!!” I begged.
“I can’t Bella. It’s not my secret.”
“Yeah, not yours to tell, just yours to rub in and hold over me.”
“I would never do that Bella. It’s just that he has to tell you…when he’s ready I guess…and I guess he’s not ready.”
“Not ready for what?” This was so goddamn frustrating.
“Did he give you something today?” she asked.
“No, nothing,” I assured her.
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I’m sorry Bella, I can’t…”
“Can’t or wont?”
“Are you sure he didn’t say anything? Like maybe some little comment that maybe seemed strange at the time?”
I searched my mind for some hint. Edward was constantly evasive with me, and me with him, so what could he have said today that was somehow different, not evasive but subtle or suggestive? Nothing glaringly stuck out because he’d said a lot of strange things to me, like the comment about opinions we might have in common. What had he said - driving or dancing or making a bed? He seemed so sure that we had some opinions in common too, like it was a fact or some shit. And then out of nowhere he asked me if I liked to dance, which seemed like a really fucking strange thing to ask me in hindsight. After that our conversation shifted to his girlfriend. He hadn’t come right out and said she was a high school student but he sure as hell intimated it. And then he told me he didn’t kiss and tell. But none of that shit applied to me. I looked up at Alice completely confused. She was looking back at me like she was willing me the secret silently.
“Your brother said all kinds of shit to me today Alice but none of it has anything to do with me, some shit about someone he was dating and bullshit about him not kissing and telling.” Her eyes widened a little but she remained silent. “Something about dancing with her.” Alice’s eyes dropped to the table. “And some stupid crap about us having the same opinions on driving and dancing and making a bed.” Alice wouldn’t look at me. I had it all there in front of me but I couldn’t put the pieces together. Why the fuck couldn’t I put the pieces together? The only reason I could think of was that I didn’t have all the pieces, and the only reason for that would have been because I wasn’t paying attention. And I always paid attention… except when I was drunk, like I’d been on Friday night. I had a big block of time from that night that made no sense at all, in particular how I’d gotten home and how my truck landed up parked in front of my house.
I reached out and grabbed Alice’s shoulder and shook it a bit. “Alice did you drive me home on Friday night?”
She shook her head, still not meeting my gaze.
I couldn’t put the pieces of the puzzle together because I was too fucking drunk to remember them. And there was only one reason Alice would know anything about that if she didn’t drive me home.
“Alice,” I spoke her name in a hollow whisper as an explanation for Friday night that I had not considered began to take shape. “I think I need to talk to your brother. Can you wait here please?”
She nodded in agreement. I got up, a bit unsteady on my feet but forced myself to move. I had to know. I walked to the parking lot and out the doors, straight towards the Volvo. There were no words that I would believe from him, no version of the story that I would take as axiom. There was only one thing that would give me the proof I was after before I would put one iota of belief into the story. I began to feel panicked as I reached the driver’s side door. I didn’t trust my voice or know what to say so I held my hand out, palm up and waited. The window rolled down. My gaze stayed fixed on my palm, I couldn’t look at his face. Edward’s hand reached out and dropped my truck keys into my hand. My eyes widened but stayed locked on my keys as my body froze. It just wasn’t possible. After what seemed like an eternity I raised my eyes to Edward’s face. His smug smile was absent, as was any sign of the pompous prick that I had labelled him as for my own sanity. His expression was full of concern…for me.
“But how did you…” I couldn’t choke the rest of the question out. My throat closed up and prevented any further words.
“Bella, I…” he began solemnly.
I shook my head. This could not be happening. Of all the people on Earth for me to run across drunk it had to be him?
“Please let me finish,” he petitioned softly.
I put my hand up to tell him stop. I didn’t want to hear his explanations. My mind flooded with all of the embarrassing and personal things I could have said to him. I turned and ran for my truck.
“Bella, wait!” I heard him yell after me. “Please!”
I slammed the door behind me and started the truck, grateful for the deafening roar of the engine that drowned out his voice. Before I could pull away he was tapping on my window. I ignored him and gunned the engine. It was better I knew nothing. The truth could only hurt me. I slammed the truck into gear and took off before he could stop me.