Out of Choices - Chapter 10
Title: Out Of Choices
Chapter 10: Overreaction (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph,
6. Discernment, 7. Attachments, 8. Monster, 9. Overreaction)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,392
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's POV...
10. Unpredictability
“You’re going to kill Bella Swan?” Alice yelled at me as soon as the car door closed. Honestly, I didn’t think she was even capable of yelling at that loud a volume with that soprano voice of hers. That would be why it came out several octaves lower and almost like a roar. Something must have changed in her visions that made Bella’s face visible now. I was surprised because I didn’t think she even knew the girl. I knew for a fact that they didn’t have any classes together.
“You cannot kill her Edward. She’s my friend. If you harm one hair on her head so help me… Brother or no brother you will pay!”
“Alice, relax. I didn’t even know that you knew Bella.”
“Well I do,” she assured me curtly.
“And just how do you know her?” I demanded. My emotions whirled inside of me. I wasn’t ready to share Bella yet, not even with Alice.
“You could have told me who she was Edward.”
“Why Alice? So you could be even more tortured by the visions? So you could put a face on the dead body and make it more real? So you could see her every day at school and be reminded of the idea of her death at your brother’s hands? Why Alice? Please tell me what the benefit of having you know the girl’s identity is?”
“So I could help you? So I would know you trusted me enough to keep your secret?”
“This isn’t about trust Alice. It’s my problem, not yours. I was simply trying to spare you and keep the situation from getting any more complicated than it already is.” I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to look. It was Bella, standing in front of my car staring back at me with those secretive brown eyes, looking as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She blushed when our eyes locked and a delicious flush took over her cheeks. I was overcome and the monster in me engaged. My body coiled and lurched forward and I grabbed the steering wheel for control. She looked away so quickly I was sure I scared her.
“Edward, stop it!” Alice yelled.
Alice’s head was down, eyes closed, caught up in a burst of visions of me killing Bella. They were so much more harrowing and tortuous with Bella’s face visible. I could see the horror in Bella’s eyes and the fear on her face as she realized what had come for her.
“It’s not as if I can control this Alice,” I seethed at her. “And you’re not helping with your thoughts.”
“Well at least try and control yourself!”
“I am,” I barked, angry at her insinuation that this was a choice and not an instinct, angry with myself for being weak, angry at the entire situation. That’s when it clicked what Bella was doing at school so late and how Alice knew her. “Bella is your mentoring partner?” I bellowed, horrified and trembling with anger.
“Yes,” she whispered, her upper lip quivering a little.
I let a few moments pass while I worked to calm myself. “Sorry Alice.” I looked at her with remorseful eyes. “It just that…I didn’t know…I wish I had known.” My voice strained against the absurdity of it all. So much turmoil everywhere I looked.
“Why would I tell you Edward? I had no reason to believe that she would be the same girl you were having trouble with. I’m sorry Edward, I didn’t know.”
We drove home in silence. No talking. No radio. No sharing of visions. No mind reading. She did everything to keep me out of her thoughts and I did everything I could to stay out of them. We both had a lot to think about.
*****
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and covered my face with my hands. Today had been an absolute disaster from top to bottom. Even after racking my brain the only angle I could come up with to get at Bella was music. I ran home at lunch to grab my iPod but I debated so long on whether or not to bring it up with Bella that I landed up being late for class. I could tell she was less than impressed by my late arrival and it started us off on the wrong foot. Not that we had a right foot. I was able to engage her using the iPod but then out of nowhere she was whispering obscenities at me and making accusations that I treated her like she was stupid. I was completely caught off guard by it.
The direction of the conversation wavered after that but her remarks left little doubt in my mind that she despised me. What made no sense to me was the degree of passion with which that hate consumed her. It was irrational for such an apathetic girl, irrational for the handful of exchanges and limited amount of contact we’d had. After all I had only been talking to her. I hadn’t insulted her or purposely irritated her, as I normally would have. Her reaction today was much too grandiose for the situation. Perhaps something else was bothering her?
By the end of the argument Bella fell short of being able to show me how I had done the things she had accused me of but I felt no vindication in it. I expected her to be angry with me for proving her accusations incorrect but of course she did not react as expected. How many times did she have to prove to me that she never reacted in a normal fashion before I would stop expecting her to react like other humans? Her actual reaction was much worse than what I had anticipated. She shut down on me, completely shut me out and refused to answer anything I asked. And as I poked and prodded her trying to get her to open back up I made an error. I used her name. I had heard her correct almost every person on campus when she was called Isabella. It’s how I knew that calling her by her full name would bother her. Another instance where my mask of humanity slipped and I revealed too much information to the one person I could not afford to give any leeway too.
Of course given her observant nature she noticed that I had called her Bella, but rather than ask me how I knew to call her that as I predicted, she had the strangest reaction to it. She told me it was the first bit of respect I’d shown her. And while I started to refute it I couldn’t, because she was right. Since day one I had done nothing but treat her with disrespect. As if it was not bad enough that I wanted to kill her, I had disrespected her opinions, her person and most of all her character. I did not know Bella Swan but a little and yet I treated her with less respect than I treated other humans. It wasn’t even an accident. I had made a conscious choice to treat her like an annoyance. Yes, she was rough around the edges, apathetic at times and often angry, but beyond knowing she’d lost her mother what did I know of her life? And herein lies the conundrum. Today for the first time I treated her with respect and tried to get to know her and her reaction was to shut down on me. It bothered me to no end that she wouldn’t let me in and I couldn’t even blame it on my need to control her. I simply didn’t want her to be closed off with me. And now I was stuck maneuvering within the delicate balance of trying to find a way in and upsetting her and having her pull farther away from me.
Nothing turned out like I expected it to today. I was left with more questions than answers and feeling incredibly frustrated. What made Bella so different from every other human I’d ever come across? Moreover, why couldn’t she just behave in a predictable way? Most humans were so easy to predict and manipulate. All you needed to do was use the correct tone and volume for your voice, smile a lot, make a small amount of eye contact, and act like you were paying very close attention to everything said as if it was all of the utmost importance, and they’d do whatever you wanted them to do. Why couldn’t Bella be that easy? The truth was nothing about Bella and I was easy - not my reaction to her, not her reaction to me - and it was time I stopped wishing for simplicity. We were plagued by impossible situations but I refused to let them beat me. I would find a way in to Bella’s closed mind and I would find a way to control her.
I didn’t know what to think about Alice knowing everything. This was exactly the sort of thing I wanted to avoid putting on Alice, and yet here she was right in the middle of my problem. I wondered if Alice was feeling the duplicity of her new found knowledge, loyalty to a brother and to a friend who were both in danger. Could I depend on her as a sister and a best friend to help me with Bella or was that asking too much of her to use her relationship with a friend in that capacity? The only potentially bright spot I could see in all of this was the hope that Alice might have more success at getting through Bella’s walls than I’d had. Perhaps Alice could help me isolate the one elusive detail about Bella, some hidden secret or personality quirk that would give me the control I sought so fiercely. I knew Alice. She would be concentrating on Bella’s future very decidedly now, watching out for obstacles and any uncertainty or danger in her visions to protect her friend. That could only work to my advantage, giving me an early warning to any potential problems. It might even give me the edge to not only play the game better, but also win it.
*****
I went to class extra early, determined to get there before Bella. I had eavesdropped on Alice’s mind as much as I could since last night to make sure I would be paying attention when she looked for Bella’s future. She had discussed music with Bella yesterday and I was convinced that I could use music to break Bella down. I was resolved to make it work. I left my iPod displayed openly on desk and waited for Bella’s arrival.
Not to be thwarted, I’d taken it upon myself to ensure that we would be given ample time to interact. I chuckled under my breath when the substitute teacher entered the classroom. Understandably shaken, poor Mr. Banner didn’t make it into school today, having woken up to four slashed tires and a broken windshield, no doubt the work of some soulless cold-hearted vandals. Or perhaps just one stonehearted one. I’d left money under the visor to pay for the repairs and his tires were bald anyway. I was simply doing him a service and keeping him safe.
Bella arrived shortly after the substitute, shuffling her feet with her head down, and made her way to our table. I was almost giddy with the anticipation of my victory.
“Substitute,” I informed her, nodding my head once towards the front of the classroom.
“I do have eyes you know?” she snarked.
“Lovely ones,” I agreed with a smile. She blushed instantly under the compliment but I didn’t flinch. The monster was tightly bound today and my thirst was well satiated after a gluttonous hunt last night. I needed to know if Bella would be vulnerable to my allure today. It appeared that she would be.
“Whatever Cullen.” Her tone and expression were very controlled indifference but her blush told me otherwise. Quite a handy tool actually that blushing instinct, at least in Bella’s case.
“Alright class,” the substitute began, writing his name in large block letters on the board. “My name is Mr. Martinez. Your teacher Mr. Banner couldn’t make it in today so in the absence of a lesson plan you each have a free period. All I ask it that you keep it down to a dull roar.” And with that he sat down and cracked open his spy novel and I was free to put my plan into action.
“So did you bring something else to do today?” I wondered nonchalantly.
“Why are you going to fucking entertain me today Cullen?” she retorted snidely.
“If you’d like me to.”
“And if I want you to leave me alone?” I could tell from her tone that she wanted exactly that. It was a shame that I would have to disappoint her.
“Then I would say that you might be disappointed in my plans.”
“Seriously though, I have a test I need to study for. I could use the extra time,” she said sincerely. She looked up at me through her lashes and I was momentarily distracted by her deep brown eyes. Apparently I wasn’t the only one with allures today. There wasn’t much I would fall prey to, but those eyes held all the secrets I wanted to unfold and consequently it was quite easy to catch me in them. I would not be put off today though.
“It’s Friday Bella. You have all weekend to study.” I tried to sound persuasive rather than intimidating. I didn’t want her to think I was being a bully.
“It’s next hour.”
“You have a test in gym?” I questioned quizzically.
Her face puckered in frustration. “How do you know I have gym next period?”
I shook my head. “Bella, this is a very small school and we don’t get many new students here. Have you not realized that everyone knows everything there is to know about you?” I was not at all sure this was the right direction to lead her in. I know she did not like extra attention. She was a very private keep-to-herself sort of person.
She furrowed her brow indecisively and then shrugged. “Well then you all really need to get a fucking life if you have nothing better to do than memorize my schedule,” she chided.
“Indeed,” I agreed in mock repugnance.
“And Alice should really learn to keep her damn mouth shut.”
I smirked, completely unsurprised that she’d figured out my source. “I didn’t know that you knew my sister.”
“It was more of a forced punishment,” she admitted with a chuckle.
“Forced punishment?” I wondered.
“Alice didn’t give you the details?” She seemed genuinely surprised that I wasn’t fully informed.
“Beyond telling me that she was in the mentoring program with you, no.” Truthfully I hadn’t even thought to ask Alice why Bella landed in the program. I was too shocked at the irony of the matchup.
“I got my ass caught skipping classes and was assigned to Alice’s capable hands.”
“She seems to like you very much.” The words slipped out without my permission and I was sure that Bella would not appreciate my commentary.
“She’s cool. I have no complaints.” Considering Bella’s indifference to life in general that seemed like a strong compliment towards Alice. Did she have complaints about me?
“She’s my best friend,” I informed her thoughtfully. Bella had once told me that she had no friends. She would do well to have a friend like Alice.
“You know, that’s really fucking hard to believe. You two don’t seem alike at all.”
“People don’t have to be alike to be friends,” I proposed. “They do say opposites attract.”
“Still, Alice is so…” She searched carefully for the right word. “Nice.”
“And I’m not.” I finished her thought smugly, sure of what she was implying with her tone.
“No, you’re not.” Her agreement in my assessment was whole-hearted. I had definitely done some damage to my relationship with Bella with all of my attempts at irritation.
“Neither are you.” We were alike in that way if in no other.
“True,” she conceded.
“But in an effort to be better behaved I brought my iPod today.” I slid the player across the desk at her.
“Alice mentioned you liked music,” she murmured. Alice and Bella had discussed me? Alice was obviously keeping me out of her thoughts quite amply, more than I’d realized certainly.
“I do,” I agreed, “which is why I asked about the iPod thing yesterday. It seemed to upset you for some reason. I’m sorry if I said something that offended you.” I hoped the apology would keep us on the right track, or at least in forward motion.
“Ummm…” she hesitated, deciding something in her head before she spoke. “Bad fucking day,” she volunteered sincerely. It wasn’t a strict apology but I think it was as close as Bella Swan probably got to one.
“Water under the bridge,” I declared.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have some weird friggen expressions? You say shit that sounds like crap my grandmother used to say.”
Her unparalleled observational skills had caught me again. Rather than feel discouraged by all of things in my nature that she noticed that others were oblivious to, I felt challenged to try harder, more determined to stay on my toes and tried to feel invigorated that I had finally found someone who rose above the average monotony and predictability of humans. I did not allow her remark to register in my expression, keeping it smooth and unaffected, smiling convincingly at her.
“Private school. Too much time with the nuns.”
Her fingers ran along the edge of my iPod softly, almost longingly, her face reverent. She was appreciating it, perhaps even coveting it. It was a part of her personality I had not witnessed before, the desire for more than what she had and a true admiration and appreciation for something she understood the worth of. It was fascinating to me that something so trivial as an iPod would provide me with a window into the true Bella. I was in awe as I observed her closely.
“Let’s have at it,” she mumbled.
Her fingers pressed the button and I could see excitement bloom in her eyes as the screen came to life.
“Ok that’s friggen cool. The display is fucking huge.” She tipped it sideways and the screen responded in turn by flipping the display ninety degrees. “So cool,” she murmured. I wasn’t the only one in awe. She perused the options and fingered the music button. “Let’s see what artists you have on this puppy.”
I was thoroughly amused watching her investigation. I had completely underestimated the importance of music to Bella. It was easy to see that it was a big part of her life observing the enthusiasm she attacked my playlist with. She nodded and smiled and furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes and even laughed out loud once as she scanned the screen in front of her. I wanted to ask her each time she reacted to something what the cause was but I was too caught up in her reactions to stop her.
“So?” I eventually prodded, growing impatient with her silence.
“Keep your shirt on,” she ordered gruffly. “I’m almost done.”
I laughed softly. She was enjoying herself and I had interrupted her fun. The idea made me inexorably happy.
“Not bad Cullen…not bad at all.”
“May I see yours?” I requested politely, far beyond curious how it would compare with my own.
“I’m not sure you can handle my outdated technology,” she smirked.
“I’ll be fine,” I assured her sarcastically.
She dug into her backpack and fished out her iPod, a small silver older generation nano and handed it to me. “Be careful. She’s sensitive.”
“Sensitive?” I asked curiously, not following her logic.
“Don’t fucking break her. I can’t afford a new one.”
“I’ll be very careful,” I promised. “And if I break it then you can have mine.”
“Well then,” she laughed, “be as fucking careless as you want to be then. Drop it. Throw it. Crush it in your big man hands.” If only she knew how easily I could do just that she would have never made the joke.
“I’m not looking to buy you a new iPod,” I informed her, “but I would certainly replace it if I broke yours. It would only be fair if it died at my hand.” More irony. If only she knew…
“My iPod looks ridiculous in your fucking hands.”
She was right. The machine was dwarfed by the size of my hands and looked more like a toy than anything else nestled in my palm. I thumbed the dial gently, clicking through the menu options and choosing artists. I scanned the list quickly and was genuinely surprised at the number of bands our playlists had in common. I had not anticipated having musical tastes in common. We were so unalike that I expected our music to reflect those differences.
“Not bad Swan,” I mocked.
She laughed, the same light-hearted laugh I’d heard her give Charlie over dinner. Genuine. Content. Unguarded. I had gotten through those godforsaken walls of hers and actually made her happy and the realization was as horrifying as it was awesome. I was elated, almost heady, and I felt an incredible surge of nervous, chaotic energy bursting forth in a very uncontrolled way. I struggled against it, trying to channel it and contain while I picked at the edges of it trying to understand it. It was confounding and bewildering and staggering and I was completely inundated by the rush. I was barely able to remain sitting, let alone still.
“It’s better than yours. You may have more space but you’ve got a lot of shit on there. There is definitely room for improvement.”
“I need to enrol in the Bella Swan School of Music Appreciation, do I?” I quipped. Could she see the joy I was working so hard to hide from her? Could she sense the change in the dynamic as I could?
Her expression twisted strangely and I did not understand it. “Ah, no,” she declared.
“The classes are all full?” I teased, working furiously to untangle the snared message in her eyes. My mind shot off in a hundred directions at once, replaying our conversation and trying to affiliate her reaction with something that had been said.
I watched her as her shoulders stiffened and her face hardened. The silence was deafening. And when she finally lifted her head to look at me the obvious joy in her once alive eyes was gone and replaced by darkness and deadness. I was at a loss to understand the change.
“Cullen, we may have some music in common, but we aren’t friends.”
My reaction to her statement was instantaneous, sudden like a bursting bubble, violent like a stabbing knife, final like a bullet. Everything I had been feeling just seconds earlier ceased to subsist, gone like it had never existed and before I had a chance to understand it. My heart sank. I was reeling in shock and disbelief and disappointment and my anger spawned exponentially. Rather than admit what her words had done to me, my defensive response sprang into action. “Of course we aren’t friends. You’re completely self-sufficient. You don’t need anyone and certainly not a friend like me.” My words rang with resentment and disgust.
“I don’t.” It was all very matter-of-fact to her and her apathy only made the sting of rejection worse.
“Then perhaps you should tell Alice that you’re wholly incapable of making friends. You don’t know my sister but she’s already counting on you. The disappointment will kill her.”
I tried to recover from the recoil that her words had caused and hide my wounded pride. It was easier to shift the conversation away from myself than provide my anger with a direct avenue for expression. No good would come out of the fury that echoed in my brain. Besides, Bella had no idea the degree of hurt that Alice would feel if she was intentionally misleading Alice by allowing her to put stock in the validity of their friendship.
“Leave Alice out of this,” she spat.
“Oh, I see,” I mused bitterly. “This is about me. You don’t want to be friends with me?”
“Wow, you’re quick.”
So bitter. So masked. So deceptive. The girl who stood before me was the polar opposite of the one I was with only moments before. I shook my head angrily. Why did she always do this? Why did she push and push and push until there was nothing else I could do? I had two options, surrender or come out fighting and I had no intention of going down without a fight.
“I feel sorry for you Bella Swan. You are so content in your life of misery, so sure that you have everything that you need. You hide behind your anger and bitterness for protection and use sarcasm like a shield to keep everything and everyone away. You won’t even try to step outside of your comfort zone to see the world that exists beyond your stringent boundaries.” She was openly glaring at me now and I met her eyes with a new fierceness. “No, we are most certainly not friends, and you don’t know how thankful I am for that.”
I grabbed my iPod off the desk and then my bag and left. I did not look back. I checked myself out of biology and out of Spanish and ran. I ran before my sister and her inevitable questions could find me. I ran from Bella, from her anger and her indifference and her unpredictability. And I ran from myself, from my anger and emotions and the chaos in my head.
There were things in my head that I didn’t recognize right now and they frightened me more than the thought of killing Isabella Swan ever had.
Chapter 10: Overreaction (Previous Chapters: 1. Aloneness, 2. Fracture, 3. Escape, 4. Defeat, 5. Triumph,
6. Discernment, 7. Attachments, 8. Monster, 9. Overreaction)
Author:JCAddict/picklewinkle/Sher
Fandom: Twilight
Word Count: 4,392
Rating: R/M, for sex and language
Story Summary: An angry young woman is forced to move to the town of Forks, Washington and decides that alone is the best way to be. She buries her heart and puts on a tough façade that very few people are able to break through. Can the love of a teenage vampire get through to the lost girl inside? AU (alternative universe) and OOC (out of character). Bella is uber OOC. Edward, not so much.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all of its characters. I'm just manipulating them like imaginary playdoh so I feel like I have some power over them **snorts**
From Edward's POV...
10. Unpredictability
“You’re going to kill Bella Swan?” Alice yelled at me as soon as the car door closed. Honestly, I didn’t think she was even capable of yelling at that loud a volume with that soprano voice of hers. That would be why it came out several octaves lower and almost like a roar. Something must have changed in her visions that made Bella’s face visible now. I was surprised because I didn’t think she even knew the girl. I knew for a fact that they didn’t have any classes together.
“You cannot kill her Edward. She’s my friend. If you harm one hair on her head so help me… Brother or no brother you will pay!”
“Alice, relax. I didn’t even know that you knew Bella.”
“Well I do,” she assured me curtly.
“And just how do you know her?” I demanded. My emotions whirled inside of me. I wasn’t ready to share Bella yet, not even with Alice.
“You could have told me who she was Edward.”
“Why Alice? So you could be even more tortured by the visions? So you could put a face on the dead body and make it more real? So you could see her every day at school and be reminded of the idea of her death at your brother’s hands? Why Alice? Please tell me what the benefit of having you know the girl’s identity is?”
“So I could help you? So I would know you trusted me enough to keep your secret?”
“This isn’t about trust Alice. It’s my problem, not yours. I was simply trying to spare you and keep the situation from getting any more complicated than it already is.” I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to look. It was Bella, standing in front of my car staring back at me with those secretive brown eyes, looking as surprised to see me as I was to see her. She blushed when our eyes locked and a delicious flush took over her cheeks. I was overcome and the monster in me engaged. My body coiled and lurched forward and I grabbed the steering wheel for control. She looked away so quickly I was sure I scared her.
“Edward, stop it!” Alice yelled.
Alice’s head was down, eyes closed, caught up in a burst of visions of me killing Bella. They were so much more harrowing and tortuous with Bella’s face visible. I could see the horror in Bella’s eyes and the fear on her face as she realized what had come for her.
“It’s not as if I can control this Alice,” I seethed at her. “And you’re not helping with your thoughts.”
“Well at least try and control yourself!”
“I am,” I barked, angry at her insinuation that this was a choice and not an instinct, angry with myself for being weak, angry at the entire situation. That’s when it clicked what Bella was doing at school so late and how Alice knew her. “Bella is your mentoring partner?” I bellowed, horrified and trembling with anger.
“Yes,” she whispered, her upper lip quivering a little.
I let a few moments pass while I worked to calm myself. “Sorry Alice.” I looked at her with remorseful eyes. “It just that…I didn’t know…I wish I had known.” My voice strained against the absurdity of it all. So much turmoil everywhere I looked.
“Why would I tell you Edward? I had no reason to believe that she would be the same girl you were having trouble with. I’m sorry Edward, I didn’t know.”
We drove home in silence. No talking. No radio. No sharing of visions. No mind reading. She did everything to keep me out of her thoughts and I did everything I could to stay out of them. We both had a lot to think about.
*****
I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and covered my face with my hands. Today had been an absolute disaster from top to bottom. Even after racking my brain the only angle I could come up with to get at Bella was music. I ran home at lunch to grab my iPod but I debated so long on whether or not to bring it up with Bella that I landed up being late for class. I could tell she was less than impressed by my late arrival and it started us off on the wrong foot. Not that we had a right foot. I was able to engage her using the iPod but then out of nowhere she was whispering obscenities at me and making accusations that I treated her like she was stupid. I was completely caught off guard by it.
The direction of the conversation wavered after that but her remarks left little doubt in my mind that she despised me. What made no sense to me was the degree of passion with which that hate consumed her. It was irrational for such an apathetic girl, irrational for the handful of exchanges and limited amount of contact we’d had. After all I had only been talking to her. I hadn’t insulted her or purposely irritated her, as I normally would have. Her reaction today was much too grandiose for the situation. Perhaps something else was bothering her?
By the end of the argument Bella fell short of being able to show me how I had done the things she had accused me of but I felt no vindication in it. I expected her to be angry with me for proving her accusations incorrect but of course she did not react as expected. How many times did she have to prove to me that she never reacted in a normal fashion before I would stop expecting her to react like other humans? Her actual reaction was much worse than what I had anticipated. She shut down on me, completely shut me out and refused to answer anything I asked. And as I poked and prodded her trying to get her to open back up I made an error. I used her name. I had heard her correct almost every person on campus when she was called Isabella. It’s how I knew that calling her by her full name would bother her. Another instance where my mask of humanity slipped and I revealed too much information to the one person I could not afford to give any leeway too.
Of course given her observant nature she noticed that I had called her Bella, but rather than ask me how I knew to call her that as I predicted, she had the strangest reaction to it. She told me it was the first bit of respect I’d shown her. And while I started to refute it I couldn’t, because she was right. Since day one I had done nothing but treat her with disrespect. As if it was not bad enough that I wanted to kill her, I had disrespected her opinions, her person and most of all her character. I did not know Bella Swan but a little and yet I treated her with less respect than I treated other humans. It wasn’t even an accident. I had made a conscious choice to treat her like an annoyance. Yes, she was rough around the edges, apathetic at times and often angry, but beyond knowing she’d lost her mother what did I know of her life? And herein lies the conundrum. Today for the first time I treated her with respect and tried to get to know her and her reaction was to shut down on me. It bothered me to no end that she wouldn’t let me in and I couldn’t even blame it on my need to control her. I simply didn’t want her to be closed off with me. And now I was stuck maneuvering within the delicate balance of trying to find a way in and upsetting her and having her pull farther away from me.
Nothing turned out like I expected it to today. I was left with more questions than answers and feeling incredibly frustrated. What made Bella so different from every other human I’d ever come across? Moreover, why couldn’t she just behave in a predictable way? Most humans were so easy to predict and manipulate. All you needed to do was use the correct tone and volume for your voice, smile a lot, make a small amount of eye contact, and act like you were paying very close attention to everything said as if it was all of the utmost importance, and they’d do whatever you wanted them to do. Why couldn’t Bella be that easy? The truth was nothing about Bella and I was easy - not my reaction to her, not her reaction to me - and it was time I stopped wishing for simplicity. We were plagued by impossible situations but I refused to let them beat me. I would find a way in to Bella’s closed mind and I would find a way to control her.
I didn’t know what to think about Alice knowing everything. This was exactly the sort of thing I wanted to avoid putting on Alice, and yet here she was right in the middle of my problem. I wondered if Alice was feeling the duplicity of her new found knowledge, loyalty to a brother and to a friend who were both in danger. Could I depend on her as a sister and a best friend to help me with Bella or was that asking too much of her to use her relationship with a friend in that capacity? The only potentially bright spot I could see in all of this was the hope that Alice might have more success at getting through Bella’s walls than I’d had. Perhaps Alice could help me isolate the one elusive detail about Bella, some hidden secret or personality quirk that would give me the control I sought so fiercely. I knew Alice. She would be concentrating on Bella’s future very decidedly now, watching out for obstacles and any uncertainty or danger in her visions to protect her friend. That could only work to my advantage, giving me an early warning to any potential problems. It might even give me the edge to not only play the game better, but also win it.
*****
I went to class extra early, determined to get there before Bella. I had eavesdropped on Alice’s mind as much as I could since last night to make sure I would be paying attention when she looked for Bella’s future. She had discussed music with Bella yesterday and I was convinced that I could use music to break Bella down. I was resolved to make it work. I left my iPod displayed openly on desk and waited for Bella’s arrival.
Not to be thwarted, I’d taken it upon myself to ensure that we would be given ample time to interact. I chuckled under my breath when the substitute teacher entered the classroom. Understandably shaken, poor Mr. Banner didn’t make it into school today, having woken up to four slashed tires and a broken windshield, no doubt the work of some soulless cold-hearted vandals. Or perhaps just one stonehearted one. I’d left money under the visor to pay for the repairs and his tires were bald anyway. I was simply doing him a service and keeping him safe.
Bella arrived shortly after the substitute, shuffling her feet with her head down, and made her way to our table. I was almost giddy with the anticipation of my victory.
“Substitute,” I informed her, nodding my head once towards the front of the classroom.
“I do have eyes you know?” she snarked.
“Lovely ones,” I agreed with a smile. She blushed instantly under the compliment but I didn’t flinch. The monster was tightly bound today and my thirst was well satiated after a gluttonous hunt last night. I needed to know if Bella would be vulnerable to my allure today. It appeared that she would be.
“Whatever Cullen.” Her tone and expression were very controlled indifference but her blush told me otherwise. Quite a handy tool actually that blushing instinct, at least in Bella’s case.
“Alright class,” the substitute began, writing his name in large block letters on the board. “My name is Mr. Martinez. Your teacher Mr. Banner couldn’t make it in today so in the absence of a lesson plan you each have a free period. All I ask it that you keep it down to a dull roar.” And with that he sat down and cracked open his spy novel and I was free to put my plan into action.
“So did you bring something else to do today?” I wondered nonchalantly.
“Why are you going to fucking entertain me today Cullen?” she retorted snidely.
“If you’d like me to.”
“And if I want you to leave me alone?” I could tell from her tone that she wanted exactly that. It was a shame that I would have to disappoint her.
“Then I would say that you might be disappointed in my plans.”
“Seriously though, I have a test I need to study for. I could use the extra time,” she said sincerely. She looked up at me through her lashes and I was momentarily distracted by her deep brown eyes. Apparently I wasn’t the only one with allures today. There wasn’t much I would fall prey to, but those eyes held all the secrets I wanted to unfold and consequently it was quite easy to catch me in them. I would not be put off today though.
“It’s Friday Bella. You have all weekend to study.” I tried to sound persuasive rather than intimidating. I didn’t want her to think I was being a bully.
“It’s next hour.”
“You have a test in gym?” I questioned quizzically.
Her face puckered in frustration. “How do you know I have gym next period?”
I shook my head. “Bella, this is a very small school and we don’t get many new students here. Have you not realized that everyone knows everything there is to know about you?” I was not at all sure this was the right direction to lead her in. I know she did not like extra attention. She was a very private keep-to-herself sort of person.
She furrowed her brow indecisively and then shrugged. “Well then you all really need to get a fucking life if you have nothing better to do than memorize my schedule,” she chided.
“Indeed,” I agreed in mock repugnance.
“And Alice should really learn to keep her damn mouth shut.”
I smirked, completely unsurprised that she’d figured out my source. “I didn’t know that you knew my sister.”
“It was more of a forced punishment,” she admitted with a chuckle.
“Forced punishment?” I wondered.
“Alice didn’t give you the details?” She seemed genuinely surprised that I wasn’t fully informed.
“Beyond telling me that she was in the mentoring program with you, no.” Truthfully I hadn’t even thought to ask Alice why Bella landed in the program. I was too shocked at the irony of the matchup.
“I got my ass caught skipping classes and was assigned to Alice’s capable hands.”
“She seems to like you very much.” The words slipped out without my permission and I was sure that Bella would not appreciate my commentary.
“She’s cool. I have no complaints.” Considering Bella’s indifference to life in general that seemed like a strong compliment towards Alice. Did she have complaints about me?
“She’s my best friend,” I informed her thoughtfully. Bella had once told me that she had no friends. She would do well to have a friend like Alice.
“You know, that’s really fucking hard to believe. You two don’t seem alike at all.”
“People don’t have to be alike to be friends,” I proposed. “They do say opposites attract.”
“Still, Alice is so…” She searched carefully for the right word. “Nice.”
“And I’m not.” I finished her thought smugly, sure of what she was implying with her tone.
“No, you’re not.” Her agreement in my assessment was whole-hearted. I had definitely done some damage to my relationship with Bella with all of my attempts at irritation.
“Neither are you.” We were alike in that way if in no other.
“True,” she conceded.
“But in an effort to be better behaved I brought my iPod today.” I slid the player across the desk at her.
“Alice mentioned you liked music,” she murmured. Alice and Bella had discussed me? Alice was obviously keeping me out of her thoughts quite amply, more than I’d realized certainly.
“I do,” I agreed, “which is why I asked about the iPod thing yesterday. It seemed to upset you for some reason. I’m sorry if I said something that offended you.” I hoped the apology would keep us on the right track, or at least in forward motion.
“Ummm…” she hesitated, deciding something in her head before she spoke. “Bad fucking day,” she volunteered sincerely. It wasn’t a strict apology but I think it was as close as Bella Swan probably got to one.
“Water under the bridge,” I declared.
“Has anyone ever told you that you have some weird friggen expressions? You say shit that sounds like crap my grandmother used to say.”
Her unparalleled observational skills had caught me again. Rather than feel discouraged by all of things in my nature that she noticed that others were oblivious to, I felt challenged to try harder, more determined to stay on my toes and tried to feel invigorated that I had finally found someone who rose above the average monotony and predictability of humans. I did not allow her remark to register in my expression, keeping it smooth and unaffected, smiling convincingly at her.
“Private school. Too much time with the nuns.”
Her fingers ran along the edge of my iPod softly, almost longingly, her face reverent. She was appreciating it, perhaps even coveting it. It was a part of her personality I had not witnessed before, the desire for more than what she had and a true admiration and appreciation for something she understood the worth of. It was fascinating to me that something so trivial as an iPod would provide me with a window into the true Bella. I was in awe as I observed her closely.
“Let’s have at it,” she mumbled.
Her fingers pressed the button and I could see excitement bloom in her eyes as the screen came to life.
“Ok that’s friggen cool. The display is fucking huge.” She tipped it sideways and the screen responded in turn by flipping the display ninety degrees. “So cool,” she murmured. I wasn’t the only one in awe. She perused the options and fingered the music button. “Let’s see what artists you have on this puppy.”
I was thoroughly amused watching her investigation. I had completely underestimated the importance of music to Bella. It was easy to see that it was a big part of her life observing the enthusiasm she attacked my playlist with. She nodded and smiled and furrowed her brow and rolled her eyes and even laughed out loud once as she scanned the screen in front of her. I wanted to ask her each time she reacted to something what the cause was but I was too caught up in her reactions to stop her.
“So?” I eventually prodded, growing impatient with her silence.
“Keep your shirt on,” she ordered gruffly. “I’m almost done.”
I laughed softly. She was enjoying herself and I had interrupted her fun. The idea made me inexorably happy.
“Not bad Cullen…not bad at all.”
“May I see yours?” I requested politely, far beyond curious how it would compare with my own.
“I’m not sure you can handle my outdated technology,” she smirked.
“I’ll be fine,” I assured her sarcastically.
She dug into her backpack and fished out her iPod, a small silver older generation nano and handed it to me. “Be careful. She’s sensitive.”
“Sensitive?” I asked curiously, not following her logic.
“Don’t fucking break her. I can’t afford a new one.”
“I’ll be very careful,” I promised. “And if I break it then you can have mine.”
“Well then,” she laughed, “be as fucking careless as you want to be then. Drop it. Throw it. Crush it in your big man hands.” If only she knew how easily I could do just that she would have never made the joke.
“I’m not looking to buy you a new iPod,” I informed her, “but I would certainly replace it if I broke yours. It would only be fair if it died at my hand.” More irony. If only she knew…
“My iPod looks ridiculous in your fucking hands.”
She was right. The machine was dwarfed by the size of my hands and looked more like a toy than anything else nestled in my palm. I thumbed the dial gently, clicking through the menu options and choosing artists. I scanned the list quickly and was genuinely surprised at the number of bands our playlists had in common. I had not anticipated having musical tastes in common. We were so unalike that I expected our music to reflect those differences.
“Not bad Swan,” I mocked.
She laughed, the same light-hearted laugh I’d heard her give Charlie over dinner. Genuine. Content. Unguarded. I had gotten through those godforsaken walls of hers and actually made her happy and the realization was as horrifying as it was awesome. I was elated, almost heady, and I felt an incredible surge of nervous, chaotic energy bursting forth in a very uncontrolled way. I struggled against it, trying to channel it and contain while I picked at the edges of it trying to understand it. It was confounding and bewildering and staggering and I was completely inundated by the rush. I was barely able to remain sitting, let alone still.
“It’s better than yours. You may have more space but you’ve got a lot of shit on there. There is definitely room for improvement.”
“I need to enrol in the Bella Swan School of Music Appreciation, do I?” I quipped. Could she see the joy I was working so hard to hide from her? Could she sense the change in the dynamic as I could?
Her expression twisted strangely and I did not understand it. “Ah, no,” she declared.
“The classes are all full?” I teased, working furiously to untangle the snared message in her eyes. My mind shot off in a hundred directions at once, replaying our conversation and trying to affiliate her reaction with something that had been said.
I watched her as her shoulders stiffened and her face hardened. The silence was deafening. And when she finally lifted her head to look at me the obvious joy in her once alive eyes was gone and replaced by darkness and deadness. I was at a loss to understand the change.
“Cullen, we may have some music in common, but we aren’t friends.”
My reaction to her statement was instantaneous, sudden like a bursting bubble, violent like a stabbing knife, final like a bullet. Everything I had been feeling just seconds earlier ceased to subsist, gone like it had never existed and before I had a chance to understand it. My heart sank. I was reeling in shock and disbelief and disappointment and my anger spawned exponentially. Rather than admit what her words had done to me, my defensive response sprang into action. “Of course we aren’t friends. You’re completely self-sufficient. You don’t need anyone and certainly not a friend like me.” My words rang with resentment and disgust.
“I don’t.” It was all very matter-of-fact to her and her apathy only made the sting of rejection worse.
“Then perhaps you should tell Alice that you’re wholly incapable of making friends. You don’t know my sister but she’s already counting on you. The disappointment will kill her.”
I tried to recover from the recoil that her words had caused and hide my wounded pride. It was easier to shift the conversation away from myself than provide my anger with a direct avenue for expression. No good would come out of the fury that echoed in my brain. Besides, Bella had no idea the degree of hurt that Alice would feel if she was intentionally misleading Alice by allowing her to put stock in the validity of their friendship.
“Leave Alice out of this,” she spat.
“Oh, I see,” I mused bitterly. “This is about me. You don’t want to be friends with me?”
“Wow, you’re quick.”
So bitter. So masked. So deceptive. The girl who stood before me was the polar opposite of the one I was with only moments before. I shook my head angrily. Why did she always do this? Why did she push and push and push until there was nothing else I could do? I had two options, surrender or come out fighting and I had no intention of going down without a fight.
“I feel sorry for you Bella Swan. You are so content in your life of misery, so sure that you have everything that you need. You hide behind your anger and bitterness for protection and use sarcasm like a shield to keep everything and everyone away. You won’t even try to step outside of your comfort zone to see the world that exists beyond your stringent boundaries.” She was openly glaring at me now and I met her eyes with a new fierceness. “No, we are most certainly not friends, and you don’t know how thankful I am for that.”
I grabbed my iPod off the desk and then my bag and left. I did not look back. I checked myself out of biology and out of Spanish and ran. I ran before my sister and her inevitable questions could find me. I ran from Bella, from her anger and her indifference and her unpredictability. And I ran from myself, from my anger and emotions and the chaos in my head.
There were things in my head that I didn’t recognize right now and they frightened me more than the thought of killing Isabella Swan ever had.